What do you look for in a new relationship?

What are the signs (red signs too) that you see at the very beginning that makes you question the future of the relationship when it comes to the guy your dating and your children? While protecting my heart from any future pain, I want to protect my children’s heart also. I didn’t date for a while after my separation due to my kiddos. Their father had a girl on the side even when we were still together so the kiddos are use to their dad in another relationship.They don’t like it. They’ve made it clear that they want mommy and daddy back together, but now they understand thats not going to happen they tell me they just want me happy, but now I have this guy in my life and I feel like I’m self sabotaging myself because of my past.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What do you look for in a new relationship?

Is conversation easy? Do you go back and forth with no awkward pauses, talk about lots of topics, get to know each other? (Good) Or does one person talk, then the other, or is he doing all the talking or none of the talking (could be shy or awkward though; see if things improve) Does he talk about people nicely (good) or is he a gossip, disparaging of others, or just negative in general? (Bad) How does he treat wait staff? Does he presume to order for you? (Bad) Insist you eat or drink what he suggests? (Bad) How does he talk about his mother, kids, siblings, friends? Does he smile when he thinks of them? (Good) Does he blame others for perceived shortcomings in his life? (Bad) Or does he take responsibility for his life & actions? (Good)

Is he a gentleman with good manners? I’m a stickler for good grammar, but others aren’t so picky. Is he intelligent? Curious? Willing to listen to other points of view? (Good) Or is he set/stuck in his viewpoints, or get all his info from only one source or questionable sources? (Bad) Or does he pretend to like everything you do? (Bad) It’s nice to have common interests, but if he says “me too” too often and his actions don’t bear it out, that can be a red flag that he’s not being genuine.

Does he try to rush you and move the relationship too quickly? (Bad) Is he reluctant to have you meet his friends and family after a bit? Does he never want you to come to his place? (Red Flag)

Does he have a steady mood (Good) or is he happy one minute, depressed the next, angry the next, euphoric one moment, sullen the next? Does he go from calm to rage in 60 seconds? (Bad—he needs help &/or meds)

Is he somewhat flexible when making plans or rigid? Does he think about what you like or do you always have eat, watch, do , what HE wants? (Bad) Does he balance time between you, friends & family, with lots of overlap? (Good) Or does he only want to see you/engage with him when he wants sex or has nothing better to do? (Bad) Do you each have some separate interests you pursue on your own on occasion (Good) or do either of you think you have to do EVERYTHING together? (Bad & obsessive)

A good guy has lots of good friends and good relationships and good habits. If he seems to enjoy children of all ages (especially his own), that’s a good sign. If he’s patient and even tempered, that’s the kind of person who could be good with your kids. But wait until you know him & his circle of friends and family really well, and make sure he’s truthful before you introduce him as anything more than a casual friend.

For me it was how is he with my kids. Is he patient, involved, treats them and you well? If all those answers are yes go for it. Kids will resist for awhile but once they see mom is happy they kind of settle down a little. I went through the mom guilt too for a bit. We are now almost 2 years into the relationship and my son has come around quite a bit. But I will say he comes back from visits with his father in a much worse mood. Those don’t happen often though so maybe that has something to do with it. And idk what your situation is with your ex but a lot of times they try to get in the way of new relationships too so don’t let that mess with your head. People want what they lost when they see they lost a good thing.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What do you look for in a new relationship? - Mamas Uncut

Honestly you just need to find someone that’s goin to treat you like the Queen :princess: you are!! Communication, honesty and loyalty, a man that accepts eventually your kids become a part of the package deal (so to say).

Have high standards. Let him chase u.
Accept and receive the good memories.
By being worried of heartbreak all the time, u could be ruining ur real moments of joy. Living in fear is killing it.
Do t introduce him to ur kids so soon.
Stay true to self and love urself while u develope this relationship.
Self sabotage is a way to put up walls and ruminant it before he leaves or ruins it first. It fine if he’s a patient guy but it’s kinda like being a drama Queen and it’s old.
So basically u have to be brave. Also put urself out here for love. Cuz u would want him to be all in” so u need to reciprocate what u want.
Focus on what’s going right and don’t allow the children to make adult decisions in ur relationship. It can turn controlling and sabotaging very quick. Ur wise and u know what red flags to look for.
Make it known u want to be exclusive early on if u feel it’s a good match. Don’t tolerate extreme drinking and late night out with his guy friends. Also if he’s a mamas boy is a big red flag. Or narcissistic isn’t ever going to work out.

Just date. Don’t rush. Tell him this.

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Don’t be in a hurry to get in a new relationship. And don’t introduce a new person until you are sure that this new person is good and may be someone who may be a permanent addition in your life.

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If you’re already looking for red signs to question your future of the relationships then it’s time to cut things off and stay single for awhile. I’m saying this because you’re still hurting from your previous relationship and until you can heal from it you’re going to look for flaws or red signs in every single guy you try to have a relationship and you’ll sabotage them each time. Also do not introduce children to any man until you’re 100% sure that the relationship will work out.

Huge red flags I’d say is a man who’s not a provider who just takes and takes. Single mothers cannot be with a man like this cuz you have kids to provide for. Clear consistent communication, kindness and respect are very important. Don’t introduce him to your kids until you know him a really long time. It takes over three months to see what kind of person you’re dealing with. Don’t introduce him unless you think it’s gonna work out in the long run which takes a really long time.