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QUESTION:
"I’ve been married for 15 years known him for 21. Recently my husband told me that his cousin had confronted him, he SA her when he was a teen. He said it was true, happened once and he apologized and asked for forgiveness. Now as his wife what am I supposed to do? I can see he is struggling and feels guilty, he has changed dramatically, he is depressed and won’t come out of the bedroom besides work, not eating, not sleeping. I am glad he feels bad, ashamed, and guilty. I feel ashamed, sad, mad, too many emotions, but I have 5 kids I need to take care of. He is the only source of income, I love him and want to help and be with him but not sure what to do, I would also like to talk to his cousin to see how she is doing. How can I help him and how can I help her? He is a good man, and no, I don’t believe he has done anything to his kids, I am a stay at home mom and i’m with all my kids all the time. This happened 30 years ago."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Something this big needs some professional advice. Counseling for everyone. As far as confronting her yourself, not a good idea. She could have been trying to get closure over demons that have haunted her for the past 30 years. It could have been advice from her counselor to confront her aggressor to try to move past this. He knew what he did was wrong and admitted it to you. You’ve already admitted that you’re happy he’s ashamed and feels depressed. You’re disgusted and angry, but mentioned staying with him because he’s your source of income. You will never forget this information. It has permanently changed the way you feel about him. You can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube, once it’s been squeezed out. If you want to stay and make it work, you guys need counseling. It sounds as if you would probably leave, though, if you had the option. Would you be staying if you found out he was a registered sex offender and had gotten caught and punished back then? He knew the entire time, and knows he committed a crime. It was with a family member. No one can make this decision for you. It’s tough and something only you can decide right now. You have this relationship in jeopardy, children to protect, and yourself to protect. You’re not obligated to forgive him right now and pretend nothing has happened. Something big did happen. Even if it was over 30 years ago. You do need to talk to him about it and where you stand right now. He’s withdrawing because he probably feels it’s already over and too late. He definitely needs counseling, no matter what he did in the past, it sounds like he needs professional help. He sounds suicidal. So, yes, this is a very difficult and sensitive time for all of you right now. First step would be counseling and go from there. He could still support you guys and not be under the same roof, too. Maybe a trial separation. You need communication with no more secrets. I hope you can get it figured out and make the right choice."
"Everyone needs therapy. Have the kids heard this talked about? This is a big deal. You have a lot ahead of you, and there’s lots of groups for support for you online as well so it will help. I’m so sorry you had this bombshell hit your life"
"Leave… that trauma is going to be in the back of both of your minds especially if you have girls"
"Intensive therapy for everyone."
"I know it’s easier said than done but… if he sexually assaulted her… he’s a rapist. That’s a lot to take on and you have children. You need to go. You’re married so child support and alimony. Stop making excuses for him. And you have no idea if he did it to any other girls. Even if it was 20 years ago. A rape is a rape. Period."
"First and foremost, I highly suggest therapy. He has been forced to faced a very dark time in his past and pushing it down will only create more darkness. Many men struggle with going to therapy, but as a person that loves and supports him you need to insist on it…his mental health is important to the entire family.
As far as the cousin, I would give everyone a moment to breathe. I know the feeling that you want to assure the cousin that you’re thinking of them. Right now, for the immediate future, you need to focus on getting your husband the help he needs. This should be your main focus right now. If and when he gets to a point where you can talk to him about the situation, you should let him know that you want to reach out to the cousin and simply let them know you are thinking of them. I highly suggest a handwritten letter. You should not apologize for your husband - that is only his apology to give. You can say that you are very sorry to hear of what happened and wouldn’t wish such that on anyone…you hope they are getting the help they need to work through the matter and that you are thinking of them. You are walking a tight-rope and need to show sympathy as though you are not the spouse of the accused. Best Wishes."
"It seems like his guilt/depression is because he has been confronted with his actions and you now have knowledge about what happened… idk, that’s a red flag for me. I’m sorry you are going thru this. Therapy is the only way to move forward… I’d be concerned that there might be other skeletons/secrets that you aren’t aware of."
"As all have said therapy for you and him. I wouldn’t get in touch with her as I’m sure that would cause even more assault on her emotionally. Leave it as is and seek family counseling. God bless."
"Depending on the statute of limitations in your state, there could still be legal consequences. With that being said, you now know it happened and are keeping your children in that situation. If the cousin seeks therapy and gives a name, it WILL be investigated. CPS can become involved because he is regularly around minor children."
"He definitely needs therapy to deal with it and heal. Hopefully she is getting help as well. Whether you can get past it is another thing. Obviously I don’t know the whole story or how he acted before being confronted, but it seems his sudden depression about it is more about being confronted with it as well as you now knowing about it rather than having guilt over it because he would have already had that even without coming out about it. That could be an important difference. It could also mean that he had pushed what happened so deep down he didn’t even think about it like it really happened anymore. He could have experienced trauma as well that caused him at the time to think that was ok behavior and it being brought up now could have brought those memories forward finally. Either way, he needs some serious therapy and probably some family therapy with you as well."
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