What should I do about family holding grudges I didn't even know about?

Looking for some wisdom … I have a 4 and 5-year-old with a great husband. My father in law married a really nice lady about four years ago, and we welcomed her into our kids’ lives as “grandma.” She and my FIL have always lived far from us so it was mainly just a couple of visits and occasional phone calls on holidays to keep the relationship. Just last Christmas, RANDOMLY and all of a sudden, all of these grudges start making their way to the surface…grudges that she had held against me since the day she met me. RIDICULOUS grudges too. Like, she was really mad that I included my husband but not my father in law in a Veterans Day post on FB 2 years ago. Anyways, it got pretty heated and pretty nasty when I tried to confront her because all she did was get defensive, and I was SO confused. I pretty much ended my relationship with her after that because our fight just kept getting more nasty. I figured the kids could still talk to them and all (I didn’t want to deal with her so it was all up to my husband creating communications between all of them at that point). My kids didn’t know all of this was happening and my husband still called and FaceTimed them, I just wasn’t in the background. Anyways, the last straw was when she invited ONLY the kids and my husband out to stay with them in Florida and leave me behind at home. I said no to that idea and actually just said that she lost her privilege in seeing them and that only my father in law could see them. Did I go too far? Would anyone have done the same thing or am I just crazy? (NOTE: they have only seen the kids once in 3 years).


I think your husband should confront his father. If he loves your husband like he should, he’ll deal with his wife so he doesn’t lose his privilege of seeing all of you. She may be the kind of woman that only gets along with men, and she’s overstepping her place in the family. I had 3 stepmothers, trust me I know what I’m talking about here.

If I were you I would one time only be the bigger person and apologize , put things in the past and move forward . If she continues to get upset about petty things then you know something ain’t right . I would try to start again with her with a clean slate and see how it goes. I also think that would put you in a good position with the FIL . Good luck!


Do what you feel needs to be done. Harsh or not. She knows what she’s doing and she shouldn’t think she’s entitled to a relationship with your kids. If she can’t even respect you enough to be civil then she’s also disrespecting your children in the process. She put them right in the middle when it had nothing to do with them instead of being a mature adult. I think you’re doing the right thing.


Def doing the right thing i had to do the same with my husbands family at one point weve been married 9 years and they were out of our lives for 6 years they recently came back into our lives and my kids lives and its better than before took some adjusting for a while cuz i still had my guard up but we can be a family now

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If you dont wanna see me then my babies arent going (and while were on that topic, my fiance wont go anywhere that I’m specifically excluded from either and vice versa). And if you cant/dont respect me then I dont trust you with my babies. I’m sorry but that’s how I am.


You didn’t want anything to do with her, and then was offended when she didn’t want anything to do with you? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?


People who are big on grudges will kind of let them all out at one time, grudges you probably didn’t even know they had.

Was it completely random? If so that’s strange. Like over mashed potatoes she just brings up everything that’s ever bothered her about you in the past 5 years? Or was there a straw that broke the camels back?

Either way, you can’t win with those types of people. It’s wrong if your husband feels it’s wrong. It’s his father and his father’s wife and HIS children as well. He has a say in who they see. If he agrees then by all means, nope not wrong, the lady sounds petty as hell.

You didn’t go to far. She’s rude and disrespectful. Made a fuss over something she shouldn’t have.:neutral_face: Your husband should have your back since he is Your Spouse, so no vacation there with them. She wants to start being disrespectful and “excluding” you. Then no grandkids. Legit wrong on her part. I would do the Same Exact Thing that you are saying. Keep just doing FaceTime and calls. Don’t please everyone else, because in the end relatives are Never Happy. Make your family and yourself Happy. Respect needs to still exist, make excuses and no one will respect you, instead will push you aside and your kids will see it.

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I would just say if I don’t go my kids won’t go. This is an argument that your husband should have with his father and your FIL needs to talk to his wife.


When petty stuff escalates because adults font take responsibility for their actions and are unwilling to discuss things brought up, you are not wrong. Eject negative selfish, childish, poorly mannered people from your life. Dont allow them the opportunity to speak negatively about you to your children.


You ended the relationship with her… but still expected an invite? Maybe they thought they were doing you a favour by not inviting you since all communication is up to your husband now and you’re not “in the background.”


But u ended your relationship with her so why does it matter?


Could you go as a family, stay in a hotel, and allow your husband and children to visit with them, while you pamper yourself? While you’re all there have a family vacation, but allow your husband sometime with his father, step mother and the children?
I would also sit down with your husband, before anything, and calmly talk about everything, and how you feel, and how he feels about the situation. Maybe he and his father could facilitate a family meeting, with set boundaries, for you and the wife to talk things through, with their help, without the children present. Life is too short to hold grudges, regardless of what they may be.


I would say grit your teeth and get back in the background on Facetime, all go to FL together, extend the olive branch. You and your hubs should be absolutely united on this and act as if you’re teflon.


I think that the two of you need to have an adult conversation. Cutting your kids off from contact isn’t fair to them.


I would do the same as you did. Who is she to make you feel left out?! Dont talk to her again it will avoid the fights.

Sounds just like my Dad’s second wife.

What does your husband say? Is he supporting you? He should talk with both of them and get to the bottom of the anger. Then arrange a time, without the kids present for you all to talk.


I would have let my husband deal with the “regrets” for Christmas. Don’t get down to her level.

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I would have done the same thing.

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I personally would be annoyed but not annoyed enough to say they have lost privileges. I would however inform them that we are a package deal when it comes to visits if I’m not going no one is. If they don’t see them that often anyway, then what’s the harm in continued FaceTimes and phone calls. Just my opinion


Your kids, your rules! She isn’t their Grandmother. Best of luck to you!!


If they only saw the kids 1 time in 3 years why does it matter? Clearly the kids are not that high in the totem pole for them.

If you don’t know just ignore it!

I definitely would have done the same, but if I’m not welcome and someone feels very strongly about me in a negative way, my kids don’t go around them either. I dont trust ANYONE these days, and if something happened to my kids because someone doesn’t like me…man

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I agree with some previous posts. I would make my presence known and speak up in an adult manner. I would request a meeting between your husband, father in law, his wife, and yourself. Make it a time that works for all four of you when the kids are not present. Let her speak her peace without interruption, and than request that she give u the same respect while you make ur peace. Let them know that until you all come to an agreement, can be civil adults, and not hold back feelings than there will be no in person visits since you all are a package deal. Let them know you are not saying or doing that to be vindictive, that you just don’t want your kids to question why grandma and grandpa invited them and their dad but not you. Family is a union, blood or not. There is never a good enough reason to hold grudges. In the end it only hurts the kids. Put your pride aside, speak up, apologize, and hopefully she will respect you more for doing so.


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Both of you should apologize an move on with the relationship.
Life is to short. But
Efforts should be made by both parties an if not An the relationship gets toxic. Wish her the best of luck w. Her life.

No you did good. She over stepped!

Maybe your husband should step in and say something to your defense


Maam youre my father in-laws wife. Stop inserting yourself in imaginary beefs!

Absolutely not wrong of you to do. Fiances mother and stepfather have hax their own probelms with me we cut ties for 2 years for some pretty messed up stuff that happened. We just regained communication a few months ago and all wrongs were talked about and in their own way apoligized for and all is going great so far.

Of course this is one side of the whole scenario. How about putting down the swords and shields and arrange to have a proper open and fair discussion between the two of you, even have a neutral mediator if needed. Sort it out now for everyone’s sakes and especially the kids. Be the grownups. Life’s too short for this stuff.

Cut em off like bad bangs :joy::pray:

I’d bring in therapists and mediators to help sort this out. Sounds like you both have dysfunctional ways of communicating and dealing with conflict. You both need to learn how to listen without interrupting and to de-escalate anger. Be role models to the kids (and others) for how to deal with difficult people vs. being examples.

Unless she had done something directly to the kids I wouldn’t be petty and stop her from seeing the kids. Go on the trip and just dont go to her house. I hated my ex mother in law and she hated me. Like everyone knew it. But when she was sick and in a hospital close to my house and 30 minutes away from her kids I went to her and took her things to be comfortable. Not because I cared. But because she loved my kids and that is important to me. Kids relationships with people can be seperate from yours. Honestly you both sound petty and need to grow up :woman_shrugging:


Sooo many people going through these situations , Any way people can be forgiving and in fact I have noticed others saying don’t be bitter and twisted and yet they have issues with their own family that they don’t take their own advice to . You can be the better person and try to work out the differences or you can leave things as they are ? Your husband and kids don’t seem to have had the problem so it isn’t fair on them I notice a lot saying go with them and you stay in a motel that’s a good idea otherwise stay home .

look i have family meme era talking crap about me but nit in my face i have one cousin that’s too damn spiteful and i never knew about it , u know what i did cut ties after i tried and reason with them if they don’t get it well that’s too bad i’ve apologized for shit that was out of my control . so w e i cut ties with cousins , my brothers uncle with his racist remarks and calling cps on us bcs he got bitter, brothers that have hurt me in ways that are unforgivable , we have to do what’s best for us . It’s healthy to live in peace u deserve it. The reason they never come back asking me why we don’t talk it’s the same reason why u cut them off they know why.

Take the high road say your sorry I know you didn’t do anything but someone has to make the first move . Let your kids and hubs go you too if you want . A child’s relationship with their grand parents is so important. If you don’t want to go grab a few of the girls and go somewhere for a girls weekend


This has always been a rule in my house …if I’m not invited noone goes …it one son can’t go neither goes…we either do things as a family or we just don’t do it … PERIOD…


everyone is going through something that doesn’t mean they have to be cruel or fu led up to u. They have no right to be bitter if they don’t let u know why tf they do it. So… cute ties fuck them.