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"So my daughter is 21 and afraid to drive. She can’t get to work, but my bf is mad she has no job and spends her day in the room. I hired drivers at $60 an hour for her and her brother whos 18. Bf kicked his kids out at 17 and he wants her to go. So much so he hasn’t spoken to ME in 3 days because I said I will drive with her until she gets her license. When is enough? When do you stop doing things for them and let them fend for themselves? He said I want them under my thumb, well kinda. They cook and clean and put dishes away and do laundry and stay in the rooms. No drugs no danger no drama. I’m lost. I can do it on my own again, just was hoping this guy was the one that was going to stick around"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Umm how long has boyfriend of yours been around? If u know he has kicked his own kids out at 17 years old that should’ve told u right away he wouldn’t be a good match for you. Your daughter is afraid to drive and it’s obvious her anxiety is so bad she’s terrified of it. Has she been in a car accident before while being a passenger? If there’s no drugs no danger no drama and your children cook and clean and do their own laundry then your boyfriend needs to hush up and step back cause he’s NOT their parent"
"She needs to be driving, period"
"Listen to a mama in the same boat well kinda. All three of my kids don’t have a license one was 25,22,19 at the time this was 2 years ago. I ran my butt off for them to jobs, school functions anything. My 25 yr old was murdered 2 years ago it broke me and I’m still broke. So I really was trying to keep the other two more dependent on me. Until someone said Tracy one day your gonna die ( I’ve had 2 liver transplants) your not helping them at all. They will not know what to do after you're gone. So now I make them pay rent getting their licenses so far only permits but they are doing it and they are so much more prepared for the world now without me. Get her out now set boundaries get a job get a place and license in this amount of time. You gotta do it for their sake."
"My question is… why is she afraid to drive? Did something traumatic happen? If she is 21 and is scared, instead of her being pushed and guilted to get her license maybe she should be in counseling. Otherwise, it is fully acceptable to drive her if she is a respectful and grateful person. You don’t just have kids until they are 18. You are their mother for life. I’m not saying drive her around forever but if she is actively working on getting a license or working on her fear of driving, keep doing what you’re doing! Good luck."
"Coming from someone who was scared to drive, and only got my license because I ended up having kids, help her with her anxiety. She needs to learn to drive for life in case someone can’t drive her but forcing and pushing her won’t do it. Your boyfriend is not a good person to be dating if you had kids, sounds like he didn’t even want his own, you're not even an adult until 18 but he kicked his out at 17. Work with your daughter slowly, kick your boyfriend out. Your kids are going to resent you for keeping such an awful man around them."
"Wow. I’ve gotten 3 kids driving so far but one who is old enough to drive can’t. She is too anxious. Bf would've been out of the house just alluding to me kicking my kids out. What a waste of oxygen. Sorry but I’m not going to choose a man over my kids no matter what their age."
"Actually everybody needs to go. Sounds like an entire codependent situation all the way around."
"Your bf is a dick, he’ll drive a wedge between you and your kids if you let him. Your girl sounds like she may have anxiety, a therapist and possible medication may help with this. She obviously needs help, not kicked out of probably the only place she feels safe. Fuck him off."
"BF, can go now. Kids first, I don’t care if they are adults. If they aren’t being disrespectful and have goals I don’t see the problem. Kicking children out before they are ready is a generational curse, they will forever be struggling. If the goal is to have them independent then get them that way, but don’t kick them out before they are prepared over a man, who still might leave anyway. He’s just looking for a reason"
"Don’t pay $60 an hour for a driver when she can use a driving app to get around. She should be in therapy to deal with her fear of driving in the meantime. You should want what’s best for your kids and spending all of their time sitting in their rooms is not what’s best for them. Help them to become productive members of society and help them to explore their interests and hobbies."
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