What should I do about what my bonus kids said?

Stay out of it. You can’t believe everything a child said unless you have prof. By spending it all on herself could mean she’s paying the bills to keep a roof over the kids hear, food in his belly and lights on in the house. That’s supporting her child and is in fact using the money for the kid. If the kid is old enough in the eyes of the courts to have a say in where he lives then dad can ask for a change in custody hearing.

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As long as they have a roof over their heads, clothes to wear, water, electricity and food while with their mother, you don’t say anything. If it bothers you so much, mention it to Dad and let him handle it. Kids don’t always see the big picture. The way they see it is that if they’re not getting this or that that they want, then it’s not being spent on them.

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Do not allow children to be in the middle of what the parents have going on financially, none of their business. Encourage a relationship with mom, do not engage in the negatives. No matter how you feel about the kid(s) bio parent, you say good things, they should never look to you, as the adult, to entertain the negatives. Whatever child support gets spent on is none of your husbands, yours or the kids business.

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Just don’t say anything negative about their mother. No matter what they say it is their mother. Listen to them but try not to react. It will be worth it in the long run. As for the money, you really don’t know what she does with it

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The kid might not getting what he wants and saying that. For myself, I added up the bills and divided it by 3. After that, I got about $100 for extra stuff meaning groceries, school stuff, or gas to fun, school or dr appointments. Thankfully he knows he makes double what I make and helps a lot with groceries. Two boy teenagers

You step in as mom for them. And don’t get upset when they turn on you as well.

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Child support is not a child’s business and if they have knowledge of such, then some adult has made them privy to that information. Shame on them!!! What should be said is: “you need to respect your mother, it’s not kind to say such things, mommy loves you very much and any money mommy gets pays for your home.” People are struggling… it’s not too much to ask not to keep breaking one another down with petty, immature nonsense.

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You stay out of it period from a bonus mom for q0 years they are now grown and I know for factual that their support wasn’t used for them but we continued to pay regardless and the child shouldn’t even know when or how much is given you do not put the weight of an adult on a child’s shoulders they are pleasers and they will say and do what they think that parent wants to make that parent happy smh all you do is love them and you let their father and their mother hash out anything that needs hashed out sound to me like someone in your home is throwing comments around and the kids are picking up on those comments

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It’s obvious that someone is involving the kids in adult business.

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This is a hard spot to be in. Yes they may tell you this. However, when around their mom it may be different.

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Do not get in the middle of those kids and their mom. Never talk bad about her to them either no matter how old they are.

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So the bio moms do not have to pay fro food, housing and clothing for the kids?? You and their father sure are generous if you pay the housin, food, clothing and child support!

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My ex was supposed to pay $375 a month plus carry insurance he paid $150 once that was for one kid . Back in 88

Got with another guy he was working and helping pay bills and take care of the one kid at the time I had 2 kids with him then he decided he didn’t wanna wrk didn’t wanna pay bills and pawned everything my kids owned and I had became abusive I was working a good job paying everything even a baby sitter started giving him the money to go pay bills and he never paid the bills he used the money for beer and cigs I left him and he never paid a dime or ins he was a dead beat dad
So if a mom or dad pays CS I really think a lot of them and yea cs goes on stuff for the kids
Goes on rent electric
Gas
Groceries for the kids that’s so the kids have a place to stay and help them out but always make sure the kids have stuff they need first !!!

Why does the kid have knowledge of child support? Did one of you tell them? Kids say things all the time when they don’t get their way. Do you have proof she isn’t being a good mom, or are you just going off of what the kid is saying?

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If she loves them and takes care of them then back her up and tell them they need to respect their mother and explain all she does for them. I don’t see how it’s the kids business what the amount is and I could see if they knew they might get upset if they want things and she tells them no. But if they’re being neglected or abused then take her to court for full custody. Other than that if they’re just upset she’s not spoiling them then be a responsible bonus mom and teach them about the costs of living. My ex is supposed to pay $240/ month. That was set up in 2010 and I’ve never had it raised because me and my husband take care of our kids and he’s thousands behind anyways so what’s the point. But he’s talked plenty of :poop: after he heard I spent the money from the child support card on myself and my family for cheap stuff like fast food and online orders because there’s never enough on there for bills or sports or anything. :sweat_smile: I hope you’re a genuine caring bonus mom and looking out for the best interest of the children and not trying to look better than their actual mother. I got along great with my daughters dad’s exes because they weren’t jealous of me or what I once had with the pos and they knew I was over him and only talked to him about our kid but normally I talked to whatever woman he was with because I can’t stand him.

Look its a commitment that will probably not ladt long if your bonus baby is able to tell you that already just let it happen yes you will pay money but you will gain your kiddo for life because you allow them to see everything the way it is
Sometimes as chikdren we dont like it or we rather not see it but as adults looking back its the key piece to making everything make sence

I know a mom that gets $2000.00 a month and she uses it for her to go on vacations with her bf or goes and meets guys in different states and don’t even use it on her son and her sons is like 6 years old now he tells his dad mom done this or mom done that and he is with the dad more now then he is with mom but dad still has to pay :moneybag: CS.
Until they go to court he’s been keeping track of everything he buys the kid
Every time he has the kid
And etc Dr appointments
What he spends on meds
And all that

I agree with others that CS shouldn’t be a concern of the child’s. CS is money owed to the other parent of the child for the payment of why the kid needs. The child needs rent to be paid, hydro to be paid, groceries to be bought etc. not just Willy nilly “I want this I need this my life will be I’ve did I don’t have this” kind of crap like tv, iPads, gaming things. Kids need clothes, food, outside, the ability to access learning if they need to do it at home, etc.

So it really depends on what the kids thinks they need. Is it actual things they need like toiletries, clothing that fits, outside wear, etc? Then yea by all means have a conversation with your husband about it and he can talk to her. If he doesn’t, politely ask her yourself if there’s anything you can do to help get the things child needs.
Never bad mouth the other parent if the child can even remotely hear you. BUT if they’re telling you how they feel, you can say “I’m so sorry you feel that way, would you like to vent or would you like to talk about it”. And always make sure they know that they are allowed to feel however they feel, their feelings are valid.

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Why does this child know anything about child support and what it’s spent on? Are you complaining around said child?..

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Child support isn’t pocket money for kids lol. It’s to pay bills and SUPPORT them/their expenses. Don’t encourage them bad talking their mom.

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Why is everyone so focused on the bonus mom being bad, how do you know the bio mom isn’t the bad one here, kids know when they’re not wanted in a home.

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Stay out of it. If anyone talks crap on a parent to a kid, they do end up resenting it since their reasoning will be that they are half that parent so must be half scumbag like that parent. Don’t know how the kid knows about the child support but it’s something that should never be discussed around them. Support the kid, raise concerns with the husband when they are warranted, and just stay out of the drama.

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So, if u think it’s wrong (even though it’s none of ur business) just have ur man quit paying. See what happens then!!! :+1::smiley:

I know a few friends that are going through this. You can only ask the courts to reevaluate the living arrangements and child support. If the kids are 13 they can have a voice (in Ohio)

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The friends that I know that are going through this have issues with the kids dressed in rags while the mom’s are getting hair extensions, fake nails and shopping at the buckle. They know the dad’s will buy everything they need and then some. The child support isn’t used to help their children. They don’t even have the kids. The kids want to be with the dads and their wives

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Rent gas and food? It isn’t pocket money for the kids, it’s for their essentials

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I would remind the child/ren that child support money is paid to the custodial parent in order to help provide for the children. ( food. Housing,clothes) and that the amount is based on a percentage of what dad makes.

The children probably think that the money is for them! Oh and don’t forget clothes add up too, especially when they get to the teens. Girls want name brand everything and and boys tear up everything.

And j always told my kids never to HATE anybody or anything. Hate only hurts them as people. Be ask them WHY they are upset with their mother. They might feel like she is responsible for their home life breaking up, or they could be saying that just for your benefit. So,maybe tell them about a time you were angry woth your parents, but that even though you were upset, you still loved them, and that it is ok for them to love their dad bd love their mom.

For years when I was going back & forth with my parents. I never understood how it was that I was feeling. I used the words like hate my life and hate my dad etc. but I think I hated myself the most because I loved both of my parents and I felt like if I loved one I had to hate the other. When I was with my dad I was happy, most of the time. I had a step mom who all I can guess is she was jealous of me. Anyway, I had my life there, sxhool, friends, my stuff. And I loved going to my moms house. It was exciting, I got to see most of my family, it was fun, it was all the things joke wasn’t. I hated going home because it was never long enough, but I secretly wanted to go home because I was back to my normal bed, routine, my friends. Etc.

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Sounds like they have been included in on way too many adult conversations, or been around when conversations that people shouldn’t of been having around them to know anything about support.

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I suspect the child knows about child support because someone has said I pay your mom child support for her to buy you that or I don’t get enough in child support from your dad to buy you that. The child may just be pissed off because they asked for some expensive techy toy and she told them no. He thinks the child support is for that. Mom uses it to help keep a roof over their head, food and clothing. Kids don’t think of those things just that mom said no to what they wanted and dad pays money to her to support them so that money should go for what they (the child) want and not necessities.

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How do they know all this info?

Kids see things differently…that is WHY THEY HAVE NO REASON TO KNOW ABOUT THE FINANCES! Dad may pay $1785/month in child support to mom but that money is to be used to help put a roof over their heads, food on the table, health insurance, clothes/shoes on their backs/feet, child care, school supplies, extra curriculars (such as sports/hobby fees) , and any other necessities they may need. You didn’t mention the ages or how many children that $1785 is supposed to be helping support. Regardless as long as those need are met then neither YOU nor DAD has a right to say anything. The court has a system, a worksheet to determine a fair equal amount that both parents contribute to the care of the children. If Dad doesn’t think the needs of his children are being met then he can petition the court. If mom is blowing the money for herself or other anything other than what it intended for then do it… But I will warn you, make sure you have all your information correct before you do because it may just backfire and raise the amount he is already paying. So think about this …what if the kids are saying all this because maybe by the time mom has paid for all those things there isn’t anything left for that new bike or a PS5 or something like that. Kids don’t understand that child support money is for Dads share of raising them… Sometimes there just isn’t enough for the extras and they don’t understand that because someone has told them that child support is for them…so they think mom is keeping it from them. If parents are so inclined to tell the kids how much is being paid they also need to explain what that money is technically supposed to so for…its not meant to just hand over to the kids for whatever their little hearts desire.

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First and foremost it’s NONE of your business!
Secondly, If the children are clothed, housed, Fed then the Child Support is being spent on THEM. Child support is to PROVIDE the essentials Not to Entertain them.

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My step son is treated like an adult by his mom and he knows everything from her and her truth. So many times we would have loved to correct him on the lies he has been told, but we are waiting for him to see it for himself. People shouldnt assume just because the child has feelings on a situation that the father or step mom is the one telling them.

It’s sad that mother’s will use their child as pawns and for the money they recieve for that child so they don’t have to work themselves. Letting their BF and the government pay for everything for their child so that they have spending money for themselves; purchasing a new 2022 Lincoln suv, a new phone, a new laptop etc. when the only gifts the child receives are from us and our family. He is alienated from everyone but Her family. No schooling outside of the home, the child doesnt have friends, doesnt play outside, but yet the vehicle is to drive the child around?! We supplied all of the school supplies when he was in public school, medical, dental, clothing AND child support. It is disgusting!!!

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If the child has housing, electric, water, food, clothes then the money is being spent on them. If the mom isn’t paying the bills and they are going hungry, homeless, or without their basic needs then there is a problem and the kids are being neglected. In that case the dad needs to step up and get primary custody. If not then she’s probably doing her best with the cost of living and inflation times are hard.

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Depending on their age the children should absolutely be taught about rent/mortgages, how much the bills are, how much it costs to keep groceries in the home, how much clothing costs. How much extras costs. Child support is for the children’s basic needs and their extras (sports, summertime activities, etc) Do not talk bad about the mom to the children but if their needs are not being met or she is just living off child support and not working then I would try to get custody. Thankfully I do not to deal with this and refuse child support as it is my job to take care of my child when she is with me.

Time for dad to file for custody of them then

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Rent could literally take up all of that, and kids don’t understand that needs have to come before wants. Make sure you get your info straight before you do anything.

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Does she provide a roof over their heads? Food in their bellies? Does she drive them around?
Kids don’t need to hear that stuff and its coming from you or their dad because mom isn’t saying it.
What a shitty thing to tell your kids.

How do you know what she spends it on do the kids have a roof over their head, food in their belly. Then you don’t know. It sounds like you are trying to get out of your husband trying to pay support. Grow up the kids don’t know this unless an adult is talking about it. Child support goes to supporting the child doesn’t mean all the money goes to the child

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If she’s using it for bills, food, or even using her own money to buy them things when she doesn’t have his, it’s still technically going to help them.

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All you can do is be better than his mother no need to say a word he sees her for what she is just be there for him and support him.

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It really isn’t anyone business how she spends the money. She is holding down the rent. Groceries and utilities. Cloth and more. Doesn’t matter which side the money comes from. A child shouldn’t ever question the mother about money and how it’s spend. Your place would be to tell the child that her mother is raising her. Providing a roof over her head. Making mom look bad messes up the child’s mind

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Let it go. Disregard and let them make their own decision. Assure that the mother loves them but don’t sway in a negative way

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Sadly and honestly there is nothing you can do. My only advice is never take the bait and never bad mouth. Even if you are frustrated you are part of the tribe that is building her up to be the best adult she can be and that’s your only job

Why are they even aware of the child support situation? They shouldn’t even have knowledge of that….

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I use to say I hated my mom too. :woman_facepalming:t3: I don’t really believe the bit about them knowing the exact amount of child support … but I can definitely hear a child nodding an agreeing when asked if your step mom asked you if mom spends any of that money on you kids. :woman_shrugging: see how easily that can be twisted? I would stay in your lane. Don’t jump in waves you can’t swim and never speak Ill of a mother. Try to be the good guy anytime you are presented with the opportunity. Let dad deal with the negative

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It is my experience that if children are talking about child support it is because someone has put the idea in their mind. I would encourage the children by being positive about their mother. As a mom I ask why they feel comfortable backstabbing their mom to you? Parental alienation is real. And it is very unfair to their mom to believe any other this without proof. Is their dad putting ideas into their heads?

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It’s not up to you to decide how she spends it

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Courts will tell you that you cannot regulate what mom spends the child support on. The only way you’d have a case in court is if the child is abused or neglected. If kids have a home, food, and essentials that is what matters. She does not have to spend the money on a child’s wants.

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Damn… that’s a lot of money.

Thise words sound like someone is telling them that tbh

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Lol how do you know what she does with the money? How do her kids know what she is paying with for each transaction? My child support is direct deposited into my acct, I wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference between my money and the support. If she is the custodial/residential parent (and she is, or he wouldn’t be paying her the support) that means she is responsible for everything those kids need. It’s not meant to buy the kids toys and adventures, it’s meant to support them. Rent, electricity, clothes, shoes, lunch money, art projects, field trips, my kids school “dollar days” me to death, food, shampoo. I’d explain that to my step daughter and only talk good about her mom.

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If she’s paying for a roof over their head, food for their belly, and keeps them clean…she’s spending it on them and none of your business.

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Kids aren’t stupid… they speak what they see. Just reassure them they ARE loved.

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So, they are hungry, naked and sleeping on the curb?

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If you’re that concerned about it, speak to your husband about it. That’s the extent of your involvement. Whatever financial arrangements between your husband and his ex regarding child support is between him, her, and the courts.

His ex is the custodial parent, so she is responsible for all of the living expenses for herself & their children. He provides his share of their children’s living expenses. That includes housing, clothing, food, transportation, medical expenses, utilities, and any expense related to raising those children. I don’t know how many children there are, but less than $2000 a month is hard to support a family. I don’t know why they divorced, or if it was amicable, or why the kids say they hate their mom … but sounds to me like dad needs to have a conversation with the kids & his ex.

I understand that being married to someone who has children with an ex can affect your quality of life, because he has to pay so much out of your current joint income … but you knew he had children before you made the commitment to be with him, and you need to respect his responsibilities to his children. If you are truly concerned about the welfare of the children, talk with your husband and let him handle the situation. As much as you might care for the kids, and that’s admirable, it’s not really your place or your business to get involved.

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She doesn’t have electricity? A place for them to lay their heads? Food? Clothes? Obviously she’s using it to support the child. You don’t do anything about what the kid said because there’s nothing you can do.

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Never say a negative thing about the bio mum, it can be a trap to get you to say bad things. Do not enter into that discussion. Just comfort the child and remind them that they are loved and that they have you as a bonus :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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You’re the step parent dont get yourself involved in the money part unless you see signs of neglect or a abuse. Depending on how old the child is its possible they are trying to manipulate the situation bc maybe they wanted something and mom said no. They somehow were told about the child support or figured it out. So they probably think the money should go completely to them to spend on w.e they want. They obviously dont understand what its for. I might tell the father and have him talk to the child and the mother about it. Otherwise stay out if this particular subject.

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Mind ya business and tell them that they shouldn’t worry about money, plus kids don’t always have the real story, just thier version and sometimes want to manipulate or vent. Don’t participate because you will be in that same end one day being talked about so, listen don’t react, and stay out of it.

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Sounds like the child either seen something or overheard your partner talking.

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Girrrrrll you need to mind your business! That’s the problem….you’re going about this the wrong way!

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First of all the kids should have no clue as to what their dad pays their mom in support and if she is providing a roof over their head and food and clothing then she is spending it on them. Kids have no business talking about their mother to their step mother or anybody for that matter. How sad that the kids know about child support period

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If she’s paying rent,feeding them, clothing them it doesn’t matter.

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never talk bad about a Childs mother, try to find something positive to say to her about how hard it might be for her mom to do all she can, you are not walking in her shoes so you really have no idea what she may be going thru

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Stay out of it
This is between the child’s parents

Stay neutral and always let them know they are welcome with you anytime

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Honestly what a tough situation to be in… That child clearly trusts you with their feelings and very deep feelings at that.
Does dad know?
Has the child spoken to dad?
Not undermining your ability as a bonus mum at all, I feel in this situation dad needs to step in. But if you tell dad will the child be upset?
Can the 3 of you sit together to discuss with each other and the best route to take?
If you get involved it could cause wayyyy more trouble then needs to be.
I don’t know the context etc.
Sounds like the child is smart enough to know what’s going on and needed to let some feelings out. Never bad mouth their mother but keep being their rock and confidant maybe they just need to have their feelings heard and validated too.
Whatever the outcome lead with grace. You’ve clearly bonded with your bonus child because they feel comfortable talking with you about their feelings.

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I would say something like “Well mom has a house for you beds food lights water entertainment etc. Which means she’s paying a lot to keep you safe and healthy. She’s doing her best to take care of you because she loves you so much” or something to that positive effect depending on child’s age and if there are no signs of abuse otherwise and leave it at that. Let them know they can always talk or vent to you and dad but don’t participate in any “shit talk” about mom. I would definitely bring it up to my husband though so he can feel out the situation how he sees fit.

Does she provide a roof over their heads? Electricity? Water? Food? Clothes? Then yes she is spending the money on them. My advice…stay out of it and keep your lip zipped.

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I would ask why they think this and how does it make them feel. Clearly this child or children are feeling unwanted by their mom

Dad needs to do detective work. If they are being truthful he needs to go back to his lawyer to see what can be done. You can’t ignore their comments

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My only questions who is initiating that convo ? You or the kids ?

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Let them know that you can’t tell you how anyone feels but you and you love them. Start bragging about how loves they are so they don’t feel alone

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Does she put a roof over their head, food in their mouth, clothes on their back, shoes on their feet, heat in winter, AC in summer, transportation, medical? Etc… See where I’m going with that?

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You tell them that they shouldn’t say that about their mother that wrong!!
That she love them!!
Don’t get to happy because you will next!!

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So, she’s repeating what you say… lovely.

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I think their mom tells them how she feels

YOU shouldn’t say anything. Their dad can help them through their feelings. You can help him but it’s not your place to say anything when it comes to their mom.

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That bit about only wanting them for dads money sounds like something they heard come out of an adults mouth.

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Ugh the term “Bonus Child” disgusts me so much. I hate that my daughter’s DAD’S gf calls my daughter this. What happened to step daughter or daughter?

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Support is supposed to be just that….support. If they were still together, more than that would be spent to provide for the children. A home, utilities, vehicles, insurance, food, school, clothing……look around you, absolutely everything costs money.

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You tell them to not speak like that about their mother!! How old are they? This sounds like children that are put into the middle of adult issues instead of the parents being adults and speaking to each other. Children aren’t middle men!! I really hope that no matter what your relationship is like with their bio mother, that you don’t speak ill of her to them or around them. Kids then feel like they have to hate the other parent when they’re with the one parent. It’s not fair for them. Have your husband speak to his ex about these issues

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My 2 kids were in grammar school and understood child support.
We received it so inconsistent that if there was a check in the mail, they would call me at my job and asked to open it to see how much it was… yes I let them open it.
I was supposed to get $25 a week. (Early 1980’s)
Once I received $5. We had a little family meeting. Should we not cash it? We did. (I think we went to mcDonalds as a treat)
I worked really hard, and changed jobs for better pay.
By the time the kids were in high school (mid 1990’s), I bought a great house and had a new car.
I received my final support payment when my daughter was married and expecting her first child.
I used that money to fly from Minnesota to Los Angeles to see the new baby.
We lived very lean all those years and the kids to this day still get it.
My moms best advice: Don’t count on Child Support… it will be a surprise.
By the way I never had interference with my x. He lived so far away (Alaska) they never hear from him and still don’t. (They are both hitting 40).

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Doubt a kid would just come out with something like that off their own back… defo sounds to me like they’ve overheard dad or some other adult… an if the kids have a roof over their head, heating, electric, food, clothes, shoes, school supplies ect then it is getting spent on the kids… with my ex, I pay for everything out of my money, and then use his cs for food shopping and any other bills to keep the house running, just cause it’s not getting spent on toys or stuff directly for the kid, don’t mean it’s not providing for them

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Wow- you know to the dollar what he pays her- does this woman pay her bills- water,electric, even gas for appointments? - that’s supporting her children! I wonder why they’re so comfortable talking that way about their mother with y’all……
Shame on you!

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So the mothers get child support and the baby bonus every month?

Blending a family is hard and it takes a lot of work and putting your jealousy and frustrations aside for your kids. My husband came into the picture 9 years ago and my ex husband’s girlfriend came into the picture about a year later…my kids call my husband dad, as well as their bio father dad. They call me mom and they call his girlfriend mom. He does not pay child support as they are struggling I have gone and bought them groceries helped pay bills etc…who cares about the money who cares about the jealousy because ya know what like it or not we are all 1 family now and we have to learn to accept and evolve with it. One day when I am gone I know my kids have a mother still here, and 2;dad’s as well. Get over the money and teach those children love not hurt and resentment. Have family dinners we do at least twice a month show unity and grow up and be a family. It is fairly simple

idk sounds like ppl trying to just secretly address this with everyone else BUT the mom herself! tell DAD to! and lastly i LOVEEEEEEE how everyone is saying for her to NOT ENCOURAGE THEM to “hate” their mom!! :clap::clap::clap::100::earth_americas::heart::white_check_mark:! that part is critical cuz shes already the bad guy & if they hate her then shes obviously been “parenting” (kids usually hate the active parent more & their not the “fun” one)!! they feel comfortable shittalking their real mom to YOU?? not saying it is but that def screams off a problem, i could see telling their dad maybe but this just seems off… if she provides a house & all their needs all day every day then theres where CS is spent!! ppl are tripping if they expect moms to buy toys with it rather then PROVIDE & keep houses, utilities, school, etc. etc all running smooth financially!

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Umm does she pay for the roof over their heads, electricity, food, clothes, shoes etc?!?! That’s where the $1785 goes to :roll_eyes:

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She doesn’t spend ANY of the child support on the kids? Do they have a home? Utilities? Transportation? Toiletries? Food? I’m sure they do. She’s spending it on them. She’s just not buying what they want her to. It really sounds they’re being coached my you & your husband. How does the child know that dad is paying child support? He makes sure they know. Right? You & him probably talk badly about her so they pick up on that & tell you what you want them to say.

If they describe true neglect, abandonment or abuse then call CPS & Dad should get a lawyer. That’s not what’s happening here though. If it were you would’ve said that in the OP.

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