My sons dad has not been in his life since 2017 and that was the last time that he had seen him in person and in 2017 i ended up leaving when he was just about to be 2the relationship with my sons dad was very toxic and abusive and the night that i left him he went to jail and has felony DV charges pending against him and to avoid going to jail he ran to mexico he now has an active warrant for his arrest and hes been in hiding in Mexico ever since, as the years passed and i got older i moved on im engaged i have had more children since, my sons dad will call me on social media from random accounts asking to talk to my son even though we have this still pending case my son has always asked about his dad and wanted to talk to him so if i was able to make it happen i wanted to, my sons dad has been very off and on in his life my son is 5 years old and hes only ever talked to his dad via video chat 6 times he will keep in contact for a few months and then just disappear and the last time he did it back in September i told my self that was it and i was not going to allow the in and out in my sons life anymore because he always gets so emotional and angry when his dad leaves and i have to do damage control and it just wasnt fair to my son anymore so we tried to move on from it ei got him into therapy so he has help to work through his emotions with his dad and he got really better but 3 days ago my sons bio grandfather reaches out to me and wants to talk to my son and i was shocked because he had never once done it before and i have asked through out the years if he ever wanted to video chat the answer was always no and i have sent pictures and stuff i really did anything to keep my sons dads part of the family in his life but i never go any type of effort back so i eventually stopped sending pictures i kinda gave up, his grandfather asked if he could video chat with my son and i said yes i was hesitant but if it meant my son would have some family other then me and my partner then i was willing to do it because my family is not in our life, the video chat went okay my son was kinda shy and i explained to him that this person is your grandpa and he seemed to enjoy the call alot… i was okay with it until i got a message asking me if i would be okay with a 3 way call with my sons father who i had not spoken to in months and i said i would have to think about it talk with my partner and my sons therapist and see if it would be a good idea because i personally didnt want my son to go through as he did last time because his dad has not been consistent ever, it was dropped and he said okay i understand and he asked if he could talk to my son again that night i said sure after dinner would be fine…5 mins into the call he brings up my sons dad and told my son that he really wants to talk to him he misses him i grabbed the phone and flipped out i told him that what he did was not okay and that it was a choice that i needed to make for my sons best interest and i didnt want him to be let down once again because his son cant be consistent i hung up and i have not talked to him since…but now my sons father is calling me and messaging me on all social media asking to talk to my son and i have no idea if i should go with my gut and say no because of the disappointment in the past or hold on hope like i have done every other time and hope that this time will be differant…my son is only 5 and i know hes little but i dont want him to hate me when he gets older but at the same token i dont want him to have to go through what hes gone through every time in the past…what do i do?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should I do?
Honey protect your boy,
Your kid happiness and safety comes first. Follow your gut and talk to the therapist and your partner first.
That’s still his dad. And his dad is reaching out. What a hard situation
I would say no. You guys have a better life without the negativity in it. Move on, when your son is grown he can make his own choices. You shouldn’t be on the receiving end, doing damage control because your ex is wishy washy with being part of his life
Honestly I wouldn’t give ANY of them a chance until they PROVED they wanted to be involved somehow. Ask me how he is, how his day is going, keep in touch regularly. Then after that you can talk to my son. The in/out isn’t good for him and if you keep giving his dad chance after chance to do so, he knows it’s fine if he doesn’t talk to him for awhile because you’ll give him another chance. I’m sorry but no. Either be consistent or don’t be involved at all. Your the adult, you need to protect your son
My sons have a sperm donor too. I let him see them for awhile to be fair. I regret it. My youngest has been diagnosed with major depression now. I say let him have communication IF a judge sees fit/GRANTS visitation. My fams experience with this has only upset the boys his presence never helped them
As someone I know is going through the same thing with her kids dad, it will mess them up big time cause of the father always in and out of the kids life I would so no to letting the dad talk to the kid anymore.
I’ve been through something similar with my daughter. Hold tight to your boundaries. When he’s 18 he can reach out to his dad if he chooses. You are protecting your child and his mental health.
Black them all and move on
You have given them far to many chances in my book and all you got from it was an upset and hurt child who needs therapy for it. I’d never do it again for his sake the poor boy has been through enough. You have to protect him at all costs. Speak to the therapist and tell them what happened with the grandpa so you son can work through that.
Thats hard because you don’t want them to resent you. The dad can easily come back and say well your mom didn’t let me, and it wouldn’t be a lie… which is hard cause the intentions are pure but they might not be seen as that from the child’s perspective if he’s hoping for a relationship with dad. Kids can see who was there and who was their constant regardless. My mom had these issues with my dad when I was younger but let him be a part of what he would. Me and my dad are really close now, and he got better. So really… its hard to say and I’m sorry. I do understand wanting to protect your son.
I have been in the same situation my boys dad’s now out there life through is own choice
what u can do is set up an agreement between yourself and ex and his grandparent and set dates times every week so u can prove to your son when he older that it wasnt you that didnt allow your dad to contact you it was is own choice.
So you clearly set it in stone to him in a written agreement this is is last chance and u want consistency or nothing start of with once a week phone call at a set time and day that suits you and if he does that and sticks to it then build up but for first month don’t tell your child he ringing suprise him so he isnt upset if he doesn’t ring I no people say protect your son I agree but from a mum who has a 17 yrs old and was in this situation if dad is reaching out allow it as it really effected my relationship long term as when my son got older he wanted to see is dad and now does regular.
If cared about his kid he would come back, face his charges and get it over with so he can eventually see him.
Never discredit your gut feeling ! He I only 5 yes but what happens now can definitely affect him later on in life ! You know your son better then anyone and imo I wouldnt allow it at all ! The dad has done enough damage and the more you allow him in and out (which is traumatizing in itself) the more its gonna affect your son. He is only 5 so he doesn’t quiet understand dad being there one minute then disappearing the next ! People saying oh its his dad he is reaching out AND ? He has several times before and let his son down so why allow it to keep happening ?!
I would not let him talk to him any longer (dad or grandpa) when your son gets older and can make his own decisions if he wants them in his life than that’s when it will happen, but I can promise your son will be a lot happier with out the in and out of his life (I personally know this with my oldest who is now 24, and to this day doesnt talk to his “father”)
Shut him out of your life for good. Hes got a warrant he is no good for anyone.
Always go with your gut. He’s on the run, he’s a criminal who isn’t willing to face his responsibilities to his son by coming back and facing charges. Tell dad you’ll be doing everything to turn his son in to the police if he doesn’t stop bothering you. Make a stan and don’t back down. Explain to your son as he gets older that not all men understand what it’s like to be a man,.
I was in a similar situation. Still am i suppose i can say. My daughter is 8 and her dad moves to florida right after she turned 3. He has been in jail off and on during her first three years of life, he was a big drinker and would stay out all night or even weeks at a time. He has seen her about 3 times since age of 3. I was the one putting in effort, trying to initiate contact, the first and only person to reach out. He would ignore calls, wouldnt respond to photos and so on. Since he has been gone he had gotten another girlfriend and has had two kids. He is in a very abusive relationship, there kids are being fostered right now. But since 2018 i stopped putting in effort and barely here from him. When i do, he doesnt ask about our daughter. I just stopped talking about him to her and she has not asked about him once. I let her make her own decision on what she thinks and she is a very happy 8yr old. I met my husband when she turned 3.5 and since she thinks of my husband as her dad. He has done more for her than her dad has ever done. She does not seem to be to much effected by it right now, but i am sure she will when she is older, im sure she will blame herself because that is just what happens. I do not tell her all the things he has done or why he can not be the father she deserves, i have told her her bio dad was not ready to be a dad and is struggling. Her grandma comments all over my stuff saying oh nana loves her blah blah, but shes met her just a few times. Never a call, never a birthday gift or any other way of acknowledgment. Your child will know you protected him from abandonment and psychological pain. I know it is hard, how can a parent be so shitty, but luckily we are strong and love our child enough for both parents. If my daughter wants to contact her dad when she is older, she can, but i give up trying. You are doing great. You got this.
I went through something similar…my sons dad would maybe send me a message every 3 months. Never sent him anything for birthdays or Christmas. I used to send him messages of his accomplisments and i spent time keeping him updated. I never got responses so i quit. My rule or thing with my kids and this goes for any family either you are all in or you are all out. My son will be 13 this year i have not heard from his dad in over 5 years… so i will explain it all to my son when he gets a little older.
Trust your gut feeling.
Keep him out. My 7 yr old daughter has gone through the in and out at her sperm donor convenience and I put an end to it. We ran into him at the beginning on this month he tried to say hi to her and she snubbed his dumbass and didn’t say a word. Save your child from more unnecessary pain! Sometimes it’s for the best as messed up as that sounds.
I had this situation with my daughters Dad before he passed. We went almost 2 years without communication and when he reached out for the last time I made him stay consistent before he was allowed to talk and then see her. I made him work for it so he knew that her time was precious, so he needed to understand that she wasn’t at his disposal because she would get hurt and he understood that. If he respects his young hell understand its not about him, it’s about the kid. He should honestly do what he needs to do in order to have a consistent healthy relationship. I know where you’re coming from mom but pur your foot down and do what’s right for your kid and take control. If he loves your son he’ll work with you to do what’s best for your son
If he would willingly run away from the law rather than face the charges like a man, ask yourself if that’s really the example you’d want him setting for your child. It’s not fair or healthy for him to keep being let down by someone who only reaches out when he feels like it.
Wouldn’t encourage any contact with the boy’s father until he turns himself in to the authorities. Turning himself in is the only signal that he’s actually serious about becoming a responsible person and parent. Stick with your plan to keep your son away.
You are enabling this toxic behavior to continue and then wonder why your child is having problems. We all want our kids to have a mom and dad but when you have to deal with a dangerous man that is abusive and goes as far as using other family members to keep brainwashing you then you need to wake up and realize these people are using this child to continue to abuse you both. You must obviously want his attention bad or not still in hopes you can change a bad situation. It never changes. You either stop it for real or you don’t
Go with your gut and if he wants a relationship with his son tell him to go through the courts or leave you alone!
And no contact with anybody unless it is through the court you tried and now let them try!
Sounds like this whole thing was a set up between ‘grandpa’ and ‘daddy’!
Trust your gut!!
I personally wouldn’t answer any more calls from either of them!
Sounds like ‘daddy’ should grow up and turn himself in and take responsibility for his crimes and get his shit together before he should ever be able to be in your sons life.
And why isn’t any one turning this guy in!!??
Get him to agree to converse with his son through a therapist so they can facilitate. Tell him he needs to go to therapy abs get help so he can have a health relation with his son.
I had the same situation. He kept hurting him. It’d now been 7 years since he tried to call. I flipped out and so dod my man.told him you’re not consistent so you’re not wanted. Make your accounts private sk he can’t search for you.
The biggest concern here is that your sons father is running from the law. That completely takes away any potentially healthy relationship because your ex’s life is built off lies. He’s not dependable. I would tell him you’re cutting things off until he turns himself in and starts doing the right thing. Until then he’s always going to be in and out.
I would say no, always go with your gut!
Your son will know when he is older and understand.
I would tell your X and his family that when he steps up and is responsible and gets his life together then we can start setting up calls, etc. until then go F yourself!
Your kids are the most important
GO WITH YOUR GUT MAMA! Do what YOU think is best. Your sons father has proven time and again that child’s best interest is not in his heart right now. The grandfather hasn’t had enough time to prove why he’s involved if it’s genuine or to help the father out. I have the same issue with my oldests father being a revolving door - I put my foot down a year ago and said if he wanted X (our son) bad enough he was gonna lawyer up and take me to court. I was tired of how much pain he causes our child. My son loves his dad doesn’t understand why he’s never ever there never calls never wants him except once every 3 years. I’d finally had enough.
Do what you think is best and fuck anyone else who disagrees you’re doing what’s best for your baby. Talk to your child’s therapist and get their insight and if they back you up do just that. Stay. Away. From all of them if necessary it sucks but your sons safety and stability have to come first. And if they can’t love him enough to see that he needs those two things they don’t belong in his life. Good luck mama!!
Protect your baby. My sons sperm donor worked 2 blocks away and had every excuse in the book why he couldn’t see him. Even blamed me but then admitted to the judge I never kept him from him. But after 3 years of his games I was done. Only wanted him on occasions he could show boat him. I also firmly believe the random calls/texts were his way of keeping himself attached to me. I filed for termination of rights. No surprise, he didn’t show to court. Judge ruled in my favor and my husband adopted him. Now my son has a real father and we don’t have to mess this let downs and heartache and general harassment. Depending in your state, I’d get an attorney and file for termination. Kids needs consistency and this man doesn’t sound like he ever will be. I was the same way and just wanted my kid to have a relationship with his “Dad” but in the end it wasn’t healthy. Do what’s best for your baby.
I’m sorry but he’s on the run and gave up any rights to see or talk to his son when he went on the lamb. Smgdh. 🤦🏼♀ Who will take care of your son if you get in trouble for talking to a fugitive and knowing where he might be? Think of your son, ALWAYS! Would you enjoy having to go to therapy at 5yo?
Change your number. Block them on social media. Allow no contact. Your son is already in therapy and contact with these people will only hurt him.
When he’s older you can explain your decision and he can make the choice to contact his father if he wishes.
Id also be concerned that the father is in Mexico and if he managed to get your son it may not be possible to get him back…suspicious mind here.
Periods are a good thing. Had a very hard time reading this. Personally I would cut contact with dad until he can “man up” and become a real father.
I say no. And explain to son that daddy is sick and that when daddy’s doctors tell you he is better then they can talk. Dad is toxic right now and boys will tend to repeat dads behavior if they are exposed to it and I think at this point he is still toxic.
Omg you need to stop letting him talk to them, both dad and grandpa! Poor boy is going to grow up with serious mental health issues. Why would you let it go on this long?? You’re toying with his emotions!
Don’t expect anyone to understand…when you don’t even bother to make sentences. Just way too hard to figure out. At least put in some periods…
Honestly best thing to do is to cut off the toxic people. Dad and grandpa didn’t want to be there before and are now trying to come around KNOWING it is disruptive to the child. His dad couldn’t get you to answer so he had grandpa contact you is what that was so dad could weasel around the boundaries you set. Cut contact with both and be done. Let your son do his counseling and move on.
I always said go with what your guts are telling you not your heart because you’re heart always gives in In how many times have you gone with your heart In it’s the wrong answer in the next time your go with your guts in it’s the right choice
Punctuation is everything! I couldn’t read this without getting a headache. but, you are causing more distress by allowing this to continue. This man is an abusive fugitive and you need to cut all ties. When your son is old enough, then you can explain what and why you chose not to allow the behavior!
Cut that out now. Your child will understand when he gets older. Don’t enable the toxicity.
So this guy is on the run for DV…and you’re still entertaining his calls? That would be a hard no from me. Don’t you see this is emotional abuse? If he’s got open warrants, the only relationship he’s ever going to be able to have are inconsistent calls to your son. Stop putting him thru it. And grandpa? That’s a no too. You don’t get to waltz in wherever you feel like it and go against moms wishes. Beat it.
Family or not, toxic is toxic. You need to protect your family’s peace. That is your number one priority
Young one - whatever you do - you do - BUT please be careful- it takes but a blink of an eye for a child to disappear- mins/ hours to be out of country. Control the environment of your child - if your “ Momma feelers “ say no - trust them.
I say hell no. Protect your son.
Don’t put your son through that, sounds like he’s been through enough. Cut your losses & get counseling for your son, he will need it.
I would say no
I get that he is your sons biological dad
But hunni isn’t it a criminal offense to harbor a fugitive
Granted he fled to Mexico and your in the states
(I’m an Aussie so I’m not clear on the laws there)
I strongly advise you for the sake of your family
Turn him into the police
Kills two birds with one stone
He pays for his crime
And you get to keep your son safe from him
Well the fact that he has a pending case against you and is hiding in another country and you accepted any contact in the first place has me shocked. I think you need more help then should u answer a video call from him but that’s just me
In my experience no contact is Best
So, in the past 5 years his grandfather wanted nothing to do with him and all of a sudden he does?? Oh wait, it’s only because he’s being a messenger for his son…the coward who’s afraid to face his consequences. Drop them both. If you’re wanting to do what’s best for your son, then block both of them. Your son doesn’t need that in his life. I mean for fucks sake…he’s 5 years old and in therapy because of his father. That right there should tell you that it’s not a good idea.
you should really cut contact, sperm donor hasn’t actually made an effort & your son deserves better… only thing your son will remember is his dad is on the run from the law in the USA & isn’t living a free life… think about how sad & miserable your life is when you can’t even roam & see places/people because you’re choices failed you & your child… sperm donor probably has kids south of the border, walk away with your son & cut the toxic out before someone gets hurt…
If the father is serious, he needs to hand himself in, then you need to go to court and get a parenting order in place, your lawyer will talk with you about what is ok and what is not, include his therapist as well, an absent toxic father is much better then a present toxic one.
First off, why are you even talking to this man? Change your number, you email address, etc. Secondly, did you talk to your son’s therapist and see what he/see would recommend?? Your son is 5, I think you are telling him too much!
Why when he calls do you not tell the police where he is u want charged for aiding and abetting a criminal
He’s supposed to be in jail right? Maybe you should be reporting the constant contact to the police?
So, everyone from my ex husband’s side of the family is blocked. May seem heartless but my ex husband did a ton of damage before getting kicked out. He lost all parental rights in court until he takes the divorce classes. Then it is supervised visitation once a week until he can show the court that he is getting treatment. In the meantime, there is a protective order in place. Stop being nice to the dude and his family. He’s supposed to be in jail and they are harboring him.
i couldn’t read it cuz its a run on and i was getting a headache but just don’t answer him anymore block him every time and so on your son will thank you for it
Go with your gut. Say no. Don’t pull your sim into the back and forth anymore. You have a father figure for him in your fiancé and as long as he is good to your son, your son will adjust just fine as he grows.
Omg hell to the NO. He’s had way too many chances and it is causing so much trauma for your son. Talk to the therapist more and then decide if your son needs that POS in his life. Sorry but enough is enough and I would not put my child through that misery no longer. I would not allow contact until child is 18. Let him decide then if the bio dad has grown up and took care of his adult responsibilities of his DV charges he is so ridiculous smh. I totally would not. But that’s me I have no tolerance for stupidiy. I think of my kids first. Hugs
Sounds kinda familiar.
Our sperm donor wasn’t much of a dad either.
I could make excuses for him…to young…was never taught how…etc…but in reality he was selfish and a deadbeat🤷
If we mattered…he’d have been there.
Mom found a wonderful man who stepped into the shoes of being dad.
Then as time went, right were terminated and my dad adopted us. He became legally what the heart already showed us…he legally became dad after yrs of already filling those shoes.
Now a days…neither of us have ANY interest in our sperm donor. We have a dad.
Sperm donor had his chance…as did his family.
His mom tried walking back in yrs after…cuz she was dying of cancer and all of a sudden realized we mattered…mom told her to take a flying leap off a cliff lol you don’t get walk away for yrs, then walk back in like you never did anything. That’s now how it works.
Toxic is toxic and you FIRE toxic people.
So mom made her choice…she deny access to anyone that wouldn’t bring peace and love into our life…then at 18, choice was ours. She’d help us find him if needed…but we both have never had interest. Were both late 30s and early 40s now…and weve never met the sperm donor that we can remember(we don’t remember from before, we were to young).
Cuz frankly…if he didn’t have time for us then, we def don’t have time for him now🤷.
Esp cuz we have a dad…a damn good one at that.
So ya…go to courts, get full custody, then if your fiance is on the same page, once married, move to have him legally adopt your son. He’s dad…as the one there in the trenches IS the dad…not the one that donated the sperm…just saying🤷.
You know what the answer I’d you have said it many times in your question.
There’s an open case for DV against him! He is hiding from the law! I’m sorry but why would you entertain any contact with this man or his family?
I’d block them all. Dad would be in jail if he were in the U.S. He’s an abusive fugitive who could care less about his child most of the time. Is this any kind of role model? No. Grandfather probably only calls at the request of his son, has no real interest in a relationship with your son. Cut him off too.
Make good friends who are good role models and have them become your family. I grew up with a very small family but had a ton of wonderful “aunts” and “uncles.” My kids have the same. We just say we are related by love.
Good for you for getting your child into therapy. He can seek out his sperm donor after he turns 18 if he wants. You and your new man are enough.
No … IMO … however I’d talk to his counselor, is he listed as father on birth certificate? Pays child support ? If not you DO NOT HAVE TO LET HIM in your child’s life
Keep saying no
He may be 5 but he knows in a way
If the father really wants to be involved he would do the right thing turn him self in serve his time
And get his shit together
He’s playing mind games and it’s not helping you or your baby
Always listen to your gut instinct it will never let you down and good luck you are one strong muma
I stopped reading after jail and hiding in Mexico. Give your head a shake this would be totally irresponsible of you
If this man can’t be there on regular basis for his son then stand your ground and tell him no you can no longer talk to your son when you want to the man is mentally and emotionally’excuse my language’fucken his son’s head up and that will stick with him for life and besides you don’t want him to think that as dad that is ok to be in and out his childs life because that is exactly what his father is teaching not to take responsibility!
Tell him when he does the work on himself to straighten up his life so he can be a more
Consistent person that you will work with him on time with his son right now you have to put your sons problems first that are there because of his I’m here now I’m gone way of parenting
No. If you don’t protect your son, who will? Not his dad or his grandpa, that’s for dang sure.
Don’t let bio dad talk to son. Go get full custody and move to terminate his rights. Don’t let him or his family manipulate you or your child. I would cut the grandfather off after the stunt he pulled. He knew what he was doing telling your son about his dad and he knew it was wrong because you had already told him that you would decide.
You go with your gut if your gut says not to let this happen then you don’t let that phone call happen he’s obviously put your son through a lot of emotional things and he’s only five you have him in therapy because of that your son’s not going to hate you you’ve done everything you can to ensure that your son knows who his father is the rest is up to his father and you have every right considering he’s a fugitive from the law to protect your son by any means necessary I would tell his father that if he would like to be in his son’s life then he needs to get his life together first he doesn’t have to like it but there ain’t much he can do about it considering he’s a fugitive
Say NO and take care of your children the best way you know how. Keep them away from crazy, toxic people including family members.
He literally left his kid in another country to avoid consequences to his actions. Cut him out of both your lives period.
Get rid of that side permanently! Your son is young think of him. Besides all that he’s running. What a Life!
Nope don’t let him and turn his ass in
You are a big part of the reason your son has these issues. Stop the contact! He won’t hate you! But stop the contact now. It sounds like his dad and his dads family are real winners! Turn all these FB accounts over to the law in charge of his warrant……
If your son is thriving without his bio dad I would just leave it. Coming from someone in a similar situation it’s honestly not worth watching your babies go through the heartbreak of chasing a grown ass man. It’s not their job or ours to chase them, it’s their choice whether they are going to step up and if not they step out for a reason
Until he turns himself in and becomes a stable person,no contact.
Nope. The damage of an in-out when it suit them patent is heartbreaking and even harder to fix than an absent parent.
At this point, I’d terminate his rights. He’s legit in hiding & isn’t interested in being a role model for his child.
Block all contact with him!!! You’ve already seen what it does to your son… why would you continue the emotional trauma it OBVIOUSLY causes your son??? Or better yet, tell him when he mans up, turns himself in, & take responsibility for his actions, then & only then will you even CONSIDER allowing him in your child’s life!