I’ll try to make it short. I’ve heard that when a parent dies or gets sick, childhood trauma/issues come up. My older sister has always been controlling. She wants to domineer, be in charge, challenge any one for her to be correct. I learned as an adult to get along with her through strict boundaries and distance. I was in charge of my parents care. Taking my father and mother to their doctors appointments/bloodwork/pharmacy/ dealing with insurance issues/specialties(podiatry/orthopedic/cardiologist/endocrinologist)/surgery prep pre and post/referrals, you name it. It’s three of us siblings but I took care of my parents mostly alone for almost 8 years. I scheduled all their appointments around my work schedule and my own children’s doctors appts and school activities. I asked for help from my siblings and at best they would take my father for lab work. I spoke to my sister and told her she needs to help me out a bit more before dad ends up in the hospital and she said she has better things to do than deal with a non compliant father (dad wouldn’t take all his meds). I forgot to add that my two sisters live with my parents. I’m the only one that lives further away. Well low and behold a month later my father almost died. When we went to the ER, she ran in and stayed by his side. It was during the pandemic and they only allowed one person to go in. She wanted to be by his side and I felt that he might die that night and seeing she was full of remorse, i agreed. I was at peace with my father and only hoped if he did go, it’d be quick with no suffering. Well by a miracle my father did not die and they allowed both of us in the hospital room.she told the nurse she’d take charge and for all questions to be directed to her. Well the nurse asked for his list of meds, last dr appt, last weight, insurance info and my sister knew none. I answered all the questions and my sister did not like that. She then took over all doctor appts as during that time she was not working. I was ok with that until she began with her domineering and controlling ways. When she needed information from me it was an argument. My dad felt he was in the middle and had to choose between my sister and I and I told him what is it that he wants. He said he wanted things to be how they were but understood my sisters guilt. Well pretty much I was left out of any doctor appts. My sister did not go back to work and took care of my father’s doctor issues. I told her that I had a system with my parents appts and that I schedule them on my days off. Well we had a huge argument and we both decided she’d solely take over. I went ahead and got a second job. So it’s been 2 years and I’ve been working two jobs and today my sister says I need to “step up” and help with dad’s dr appts. I’m still hurt that they pushed me out of my routine and my father allowed it. I really don’t know how to respond to her. I feel she is being a total hypocrite and feel drained thinking about helping my father as it’s almost as if I have to go through her and answer to her and allow her to make all decisions or it’s a problem and my father allows it. I’d rather stay on the sidelines where I was placed and tell her to tough it out like I did. It’s not easy standing up to her and I don’t want us fighting but I can’t always be the one to bite my tongue. Thoughts?
Try to help and take the high road, say what you need to tho, express yourself freely and unapologetically, but try to help. Not for her but for your dad.
I’d let her handle his appts for 8 years
Think of your father as a child torn between parents…then make your decision.
Your father almost passing away, may have shocked her into reality . But it shouldn’t be a power struggle, especially if it’s affecting your dad,!you should ask her where she was when you asked for help not that long ago.!I would call the doctors he has appointments with and ask them to please call you and let you know about his appointments. If she doesn’t work, there should be no reason why she can’t do it all from now on
Nothing will ever change stop biting your tongue and tell her how she makes you feel no matter if it hurts her feelings or not it’s better to be blunt and honest then to hold it back
Oh honey, I am so sorry. Just remember it’s about your Dad. When he leaves this world you will only have the memories, and what you did to help make it a better place for him. Anyone who interferes with help to make you feel guilty wasn’t helping your father, just their persona. You have a good heart, just don’t lose focus
Stay firm, she wanted to take over and have her own way and he allowed it, so it’s up to them to sort it and her to step up.
Stick around for your dad and do everything you can for him(sounds like you have been❤️). You won’t regret it. When dad is gone take NONE of her BS!!!
Honestly tell her what you just posted. Tough it out like you did. You asked for help and it got thrown back in your face. You can’t put your life on hold when you were dedicated to your parents before. It may cause an argument but at the end of the day it is your life too
It’s her responsibility now. She pushed for it, it’s ALL hers.
I would tell her…" you asked for it" and have a clear conscience dear !!!
Life is too damn short to let things go unsaid!! Sister or not, put her right back in her place each and every time!
Tell her you did it 8 years, you had a system that worked and she decided to go against it. Now you have another job and no longer have the availability for the appointment making anymore, and since She decided she wanted to take it all over it is now HER responsibility and you are done arguing with her.
And she wanted control, let her have it! You know what you did for 8 years! You more than did your part without her controlling a$$. So, does the other sister just not get involved, even though they live together?
Tell her this is the way she wanted it and you did it alone for years and she never “stepped up”. If she doesn’t like that don’t argue just say I’m not arguing with you and hang up or walk away.
The price of you staying on the sidelines will be at your Dads expense. If your objective is to help him and keep him in his current health, then you’ll pitch in and do what needs to be done. Your sister isn’t saying carry the load while she does nothing. She is in need of support which you know is true, since you needed it when you were in her shoes. Get over your resentment. Put your father first or you’ll be in your sisters shoes with guilt that you could have done more and he might not live and you’ll feel responsible
Honey, I’m sorry you got treated like that. Be there for your Dad. You”ll never be sorry. Tell your sister to take a flying kick at the moon. If she can’t handle the situation not working, you”ll quit one of your jjobs and take over again. You did a better job anyway. Tell your Dad not to worry about the situation, you”ve got it under control. Your sister sounds like a control freak who needs a taste of her own medicine. And to be put in her place. Hang in there.
You have done your share!
Take care of your dad but you sit your rules for her. Period.
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I don’t really have any advice different than these ladies have said. Best of luck that’s a tough situation.
At the end of the day I realize where your coming from but it’s really about your father. I understand he allowed it to happen but he probably just felt caught in the middle and didn’t want everyone to argue over who was taking him
So I would tell her 1 how you feel. And 2 I would step back up because it is your father once he is gone all you will have is memories and pictures best of luck in whatever you decide I’m sorry your going through this
Everyone deals with grief differently.
Show her this posting and start a conversation.
Stay out of it. She wanted the job-tell her to do it!
She wanted the role of nursemate…let her have it. Just go visit your Dad often and make sure he knows you are still around. As for your sister…oh well
The controlling behaviors are just her psychology oozing to the surface, the desire to take over with your father was very likely her desire to be in closest proximity to him for estate and inheritance reasons, I’m not saying theres no love there between them but examine the financial component
Let her take care of everything, but make sure dad knows that if it isn’t going well to tell you
Let her handle it since that’s what she wanted. Don’t let her pull your strings.
Let her go through the motions. It’s her turn, and your other sisters turn as well. I grew up in a household as a single child and my father and I were my moms sole care takers from me being age 5 until I was 14 when she died. Granted I couldn’t take her to appointments but I went with bc I knew a lot about her health problems bc I was there when my dad was at work. Her mom took her to appointments and tried to keep me out of the loop but she never knew what was going on with my mom and her health like I did. It was very hard to have that happen even as a young child bc I knew what the routine was medically and what to look out for and how to help. So when her mom got more involved with caregiving she was lost and couldn’t do it and it aggravated my mother and her mother bc her mother had no idea. I let her sweat it out and so did my father. She had to learn the hard way you cannot just take over someone’s care with little to no knowledge. Once the in home health came in twice a week to train her mother things got better but my father and I were still the sole caregivers up until she died.
Let her take on this big job let her go through what you did, there’s three of you and only one shouldn’t have to step up all three of you should’ve taken care and help instead of just you.
Young one - you are both blessed to have your father- many of us would give our last breath to see our Pops again. You both need to get your shit together. Your Dad feels bad enough due to his health - you two just compound it more. He won’t be around forever - work it out like adults:v:t4: