My 12 year old stepson runs the house and it’s causing huge problems, obviously. First of all, right now, my husband and I, along with my son and his son, are living with my mother-in-law. All my stepson is asked to do at 12 years old is take the trash out. That’s it! I personally think at 12 he should be doing more, but I’m just the stepmom. He has to be told over and over to do the trash. So when he is asked occasionally to do the dishes, he just doesn’t. And since there are no consequences, I mean, why not! He runs to his grandmother and complains about anything that is said to him that he doesn’t like. What happened today, though, just did it for me, which prompted me to come here. We are doing the Coronavirus self-quarantine since we are all out of work, only going out for food if we have to. My husband goes into the living room, and my stepson has a bag he asked what he was doing and said he was going to him other grandmas for a few days. My husband said he didn’t think it was a good idea, and while he was in the other room talking to his mother about it, my stepson’s grandma showed up, and he left!! My mother-in-law said she thought it was a bad idea too, but he told her he needed to get out of the house because he heard his dad say to me he was tired of him leaving food on the dishes when he puts them in the sink. First of all, if you say anything to him about anything, no matter how nice you say it, he goes straight to his grandma and runs his mouth. Second, he has never been spanked, grounded, had anything taken away or any kind of other punishment. He basically does what he wants when he wants. If he wants to go somewhere, he TELLS his grandma he is leaving, and most of the time, we hear about it after the fact. He is very manipulating and lies a lot about even stupid stuff. He also messages my older son, who has moved out already and tells him we are mean to him and don’t like him and makes up stuff. Like I said, very manipulative behavior! It comes between my husband and me because sometimes I say too much because my kids would not get away with some of this stuff, and I’m just blown away by this! It’s putting a strain on my marriage and relationship with my stepson as well as my children’s relationship with my husband and stepson. My son that still lives here just about can’t stand him anymore because of the way he acts like we are so mean to him. Sometimes I feel like taking my son and just leaving! But that’s not what I want to do. But I don’t know if I can take this anymore. Side note I am the only one working right now, so that’s why we have not moved out yet. I know we need to, and that may help. Thanks f,or any advice.
I think its just that teenage boy stage
Your husband sounds like he needs to be a parent.
Ask the father to the grandma and set BOUNDERIES
If the law can’t or won’t be laid down, then it’s either this is you and your son’s life and suck it up or leave. It really comes down to that accept it or leave it.
karma’s a biatch missy, thats exactly the same way your son’s stepmom’s gonna b talking about him no matter how perfect u think he’ll be. word for word, so b careful what u say 
Hey over it you sound like a classic step mom! Too focused on your step Sons every move! Lighten up! He is just 12 no different then most at this age! I was raised by a step mom! She could never like me no matter how much I tried! I was 12 when I come to live w my dad and her!
Sounds like your raising alot more than one spolied brat in the house.
Is your son near his age and required to also do any chores. I would start taking stuff little by little if he doesn’t listen. Dad needs to put grandma in her place and tell her no
There needs to be rules and consequences. Even my 3yo gets set stuff to do like pick up toys, clean any mess he makes, clean off his plate/bowl and put it in the sink. My ex was like this too…never set rules, boundaries or consequences. Drove me nuts, he acted like a spoiled little brat, got everything he wanted. I even know 11 year olds that do washing, cook dinner and all sorts. Dad needs to step up and be a parent and other grandma needs to stop encouraging rotten behaviour.
If your married that makes him your son too and your able to punish him you need to sit down with your husband and come up with a game plan on if he does this… This will happen otherwise this is just going to get worse
This will cause huge resentment towards you from YOUR child . I’m kind of in the same position. My spouses kids get away with EVERYTHING while my boys are the grunts. My older son hates being at home because of my spouse and the way he treats him compared to his children . Honestly I dont blame my son for wanting to be at grandpa’s house . My spouse expects me to be everything to his kids that their mother isnt while same treatment isnt being reciprocated towards my children . It’s to the point where YES … I’m going cold towards him and his the same way he is with mine . I’m the only one who works fulltime while he sits at home … I’m 7 months pregnant and seriously making plans on leaving . Not sure what he is gonna do when I’m gone lol because EVERYTHING in this townhouse belongs to me , had before I even met him and sure as hell not leaving it behind .
You need to figure it out before that boy of yours begins to hate you , like mine is . Push comes to shove MY kids will come first t,o me . He do,nt have their feelings at heart and I’m not sticking around for it to get worse .
Outside of normal 12 y/o antics, sounds like he’s behaving the way ALL the adults around him enable him to behave…you are ALL responsible, his father especially
Who has custody if grand master does you need to mind your business if dad does it’s up to him you being the only one working is irrelevant nothing wrong with a stay at home dad
This boy needs his ass handed to hi… hed be staying with the other gmma till this. Rap is said and done with. Start taking toys away take EVERYTHING away when he do t do something hes supoosed o do
2 verbal warnings 3rd u get ur ass spsnked. Ur more then a step mom since hes living with u. Ur a mom figure to him. U shoukd b sble to discipline as u see fit. Stop letting him get awsy with stuff or itll just get worse
Honestly until you get out of your MILs home I don’t think you have much of a say.
As one of his parents you need to stop allowing him to act like a brat. Talk to the father & any other adult in the house and get on the same page. There’s no reason a 12 year old only has 1 chore and bitches about it. If i were you I’d start punishing whether or not he liked it. And as for the leaving without asking, that would stop immediately. There’s not a chance I’d let that fly whether it was my bio child or my step child. I’d be picking his ass back up and grounding him for even thinking about leaving especially since he knows (even if very little) and can understand what is going on with the virus. If you don’t feel comfortable with ‘laying the law’ then you need to jump on the father’s ass for not doing it from the very beginning.
Have him move in with other grandmother.Then she can see what a brat he is.That or punish him.No phone,no tv,no video games.You know parent him.Put your foot down and tell everyone that it stops now.Other than that leave,or put up with it.
Girl I would have been gone. It’s too much
Kid needs set straight. If the parents can’t teach him to be respectful to them he’s never going to be respectful as an adult. He wont hold a job or even worse he will end up getting arrested for doing whatever he wants and thinking its ok. I’d be telling the dad to step up and raise his son. Not let his son run the house when its his job to do.
My brother is 24 and his only job is taking out the trash weekly yet he maybe did it twice so far this year. Boys are lazy. Give then an inch they take a mile
If hes gone with his other gmother she should be keeping him for the duration of quarantine, he cant keep skipping between houses, start punishing him, and if he runs his mouth punish him further and further and further until he gets the point…tell your husband to grow a pair and be a father to his son and teach him to be a good man nor a lazy ass shithead from the beginning, it all starts now as to how your kids turn out, do it properly or your gonna lose the game called parenting
I agree that at 12 he should be doing more. It’s hard if there are no consequences from your husband or his grandmother. I can see why you would get frustrated. Im a single mom to an almost 4 year old boy. He has watched me constantly clean and pick up. Now he is always wanting to help. He helps with laundry, likes to mop and vacuum (even if i have to do it again after him) and picks up his toys and puts his clothes in his hamper. Repetition is key. But your husband has to back you up! Without consequences, you’re fighting a losing battle.
Maybe try setting up some sort of reward system or allowance for him to do some extra chores. While he is out of the house you need to sit down with your husband and mother in law and talk to them. When you talk to them don’t say things in a negative way or make it sound like you’re angry at the kid or putting him down (or their parenting). It really isn’t his fault for being this way because they’ve allowed it. Tell them you are concerned that his behavior will get worse if ALL of you don’t do something about it now. Everyone has to be on the same page or it won’t work.
My son is seven and feeds and waters the dogs and picks up there poop. Feeds and waters the chickens and cleans there coop. Cleans his room and does his own laundry and folds it. Sweeps mops vacuums. Helps cook and does dishes. He does these things in order to earn time for screen time or whatever and if he doesn’t things are taken away. I teach my kids that nothing is handed to them they gotta fight for what they want in life and that is earned by hard work. We are also now planting our garden which he waters them as well. Kids need structure and things to do and it teaches them respect and disaplin and taking out the trash isn’t enough. Just because your a step parent doesn’t mean that he gets to do what he wants no child should be walking on anyone and if his mom doesn’t like it then she can keep him home because what’s that showing your kids. She needs to be enforcing your home and telling him their home their rules or your relationships are gonna be hard
I’d talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. If you feel like it’s best you and your child goes somewhere else for the day, do it. My mom never let any of us get away with crap like this, including my step siblings. My step dad told his biological kids they they have to listen to my mom or things will be taken away. Low and behold, all 3 decided to not listen one day, and they got tv privileges away along with the oldest phone taken away and tablets. 4 years later they treat my mom with the same respect as my step dad. It was the little things that matter to them that they took away. Like playing outside, swimming in the pool, even reading a book for one of them. You need to have a conversation with boundaries with your husband and mother in law. My mom and step dad don’t spank any of them, punishment was taking things away and it worked. They straightened up with in 4 months (takes a minute because there bio mom is something else and told them that my mom isn’t, worth respect.) when my mom thought she needed to leave, she took my littlest brother, my other brothers and myself all out to eat and left them to discuss things. Things for better. You guys just need to communicate
Let him go live with his mother or let him stay with the other grandmother.
First thing time to start telling grandma No, go too her house and pick him up. Time to take charge. 2nd lay the laws down on him remove his bedroom door. He has to earn it. Anything he wants he has to earn. Both parents have to be on the same page.
Girl his only responsibility is to take the trash out he has it easy my 7 year old does more than that!
Spoiled rotten. Never been held accountable for his actions and inactions. Tell him he can stay at the other grandma’s. Hes playing all of you against each other. Quite masterfully.
Stop mentioning it he is twelve he is going to need something from you daily. Dont do it no rides,no phone,no making his food,cleaning his clothing,washing his dishes etc. He needs you way more than you need him show him two can play this bullshit
He needs discipline, counselling, and a psych evaluation because he could have mental health issues that cause him to act out like that.
I only read half of that but, at 5yo it was my job to feed the animals, change that cat litter and help my siblings with the dishes, granted I got an allowance for it.
My kids, aged 6 4 and 1, are not expected to help as they dont get an allowance yet, but my oldest’s will usually help me with the dishes, hold the dustpan for me, help feed the pets, and occasionally help me cook. I’d love to give them an allowance so they’re help becomes more consistent but they’re young and I want them to enjoy their childhood.
Once my kids turn 10 they’ll be expected to take out the trash, wash the dishes and take care of the animals.
At 10yo I was cooking entire meals for my dad and brother as my mom worked second shift and couldn’t be their to do it herself.
At 18 (my parents never pressured me to get a job through high school and wanted me to enjoy my childhood) I got my first job. I was never asked to help with bills except when their car shit the bed. I was still under their roof and getting, fed so I was all too happy to help them pay for a new car. I paid for 2/3 of it.
It’s my firm belief that kids need chores. Not only to help around the house and gain responsibility but so that they can function properly once they’re adults and in the real world.
No girl wants to bang a guy who has a weeks worth of trash and dirty dishes stinking up his house.
Kids must know how to be self sufficient. Mommy and daddy will not always be their to pick up the slack.
Tell your mil yourself (or tell your hubs to sack up) that he needs to do the things you tell him to. Plain and simple.
I grew up in a boarding school one thing that the headmaster said I’ll never forget. “Children can’t be raised in 2 different household and if they must both houses needs to be crystal clear on rules, punishment, communication etc”.
Children needs discipline and consistency, you guys need to come together and come up with a plan.
Sounds like you and your husband need to have a long talk, be honest and tell him if things don’t change you are going to leave,sounds also like your stepson needs a reality check. Praying for you and your family.
Hubby and grandma sound like TERRIBLE parents. They are setting this kid up for failure. Sounds like a criminal in the making.
I’d have a heart to heart duscussion with your hubby. If he isn’t willing to step up and discipline his kid, I’d take mine and go.
Put your foot down take out the trash or stay home. You live here you pitch in. I have a 10 year old stepson who takes out trash, does dishes, and yard work. If I ask him to do something he does it or loses a privilege. I am the only one who has discipline this kid. Dad weather smack his ass than deal with it. Or negotiations about what his punishment is. Mom only has him 2 months a year and locks him in his room. I also have the same rules for my 7 year old daughter. I tell you something you do it. She cleans the living room, feeds cats, litter, and both help with baby brother. 12 year olds should have no issues taking out trash. Refuses to listen not doing anything or going anywhere till he does. Grandmother throws a fit it’s your child not hers. My kid my rules that simple. Does my husband agree with everything I do or say no because he wants to baby him. Problem is that you can’t baby him forever and the world isn’t a nice place. You are g,oing to have a boss and have to do what you are told. That simple. I am mom so I have 3 bosses. Well to make sure every need is met.
You can’t set boundaries on the grandma when you’re living under her roof. Her house her rules.
Yah you live in gramas house shut your mouth get your own house its gramas house not yours you do what grama says or move out
I couldn’t even finish this. SMH wtf?
I was raised by my step dad and my mom. I never did chores or anything, yet they tried to get me to do things. They were both strict on me and I hated it back then. Now that I’m on my own, I wish I had listened. There’s many things that I can’t do with out calling my parents. Chat to your husband and be strong and stern. Your husband and step son will thank you later in life. Never hate your step son though, as I’ve had that too with step moms, and it’s not nice at all. Good luck mommy
I don’t understand how any of these parents are acting like this is just a kid been a kid, none of my freaken children (step or biological) get up and just call for a ride from another family member and leave the house, especially with all that is currently going on, that’s ridiculous.
*Like it was stated above though, it really sounds like dad needs to step up and be a dad & figure out some co-parenting w/your step sons mom so your step son begins to understand boundaries.
As far as chores go it’s a constant reminder & sometimes downright fight lol to get any of the kids to do, “oops, I forgot”.
Sounds like some family counseling might be the most helpful thing here.
The fact the I even seen someone say that she would’ve been long gone is so sad to me. That’s why there are so many failed marriages these days. People leave at the first taste of an issue instead of figuring it out as a couple.
Regarding the post: unfortunately it’s going to be a hard habit to break while y’all are living with the grandmother. It sounds like she’s one that doesn’t listen to the parents rules, which is why she lets him get away with it. I would have a serious talk with your husband. Be blunt. He needs to put his foot down against his mother. And he needs to be the one doing it simply because it’s HIS mother.
It sounds to me like he is growing up to be a very entitled child that will end up acting like an entitled adult. There needs to be clear boundaries, rules and consequences. Most importantly everyone on the same page and a United front. You can disagree in private but never undermine each other in front of the kids. This child needs to learn respect for the adults who are providing for and taking care of him. Giving in to him and letting him manipulate by hom playing one agsinst the other is only making him worse. Sound like a good ol fashion swat or two on the bottom might help out. Good luck to you.
No wonder he acts like that if hes never been disciplined or punished
We dont live in this household, so we don’t know how much of this is exaggerated. I mean he is 12, a preteen. This is when they get hormonal and lazy at times. Have you ever just tried to one on one talk with the kid? I mean maybe emotionally he is having issues and doesn’t know how to communicate it to you.
With your job can you get a place to rent? Don’t know how many kids you have but this is not what you want them to learn. Get a place and move husband in, leave stepchild there. Salvage your marriage. take your son with you. Hubby can join you or not. Even a studio apartment would relieve stress.
Side note a taser might be good lol
Sounds like your husband, who should be the disciplinarian is a pushover. This will only get worse. Much worse. Give your husband an ultimatum. Hold his son accountable or you and your son will no longer be around to deal with it. If he doesn’t change how he parents his son for the sake of yours you should leave.
Sounds like a family sit down is in order. These are stressful times for all. I dot believe in steps and halfs…he IS your son. Be the adult and try to resolve instead of run away.
Your children will suffer more and more put your foot down if dad does not back you up leave as your son ages it will be to late
Thought u were out of work.why doesn’t hubby work.should movd out on your own.u can’t run someone else home.
most of that sounds like my little brother. (hes 11) so i understand your frustration 100% just last night i told him to scrape the rest of this bowl into the trash BEFORE PUTTING IT INTO THE SINK and he sighed and said “i don’t see why I have to be the one that scrapes my bowl out” like ummm WHAT? because it’s yours! but definitely let him stay with his other grandma the whole quarantine. Don’t let him come back to the house. because that’s putting your family at risk for him being a little brat. talk your MIL into going with it because it could be fatal to her since the other grandma clearly doesn’t know how to act. and i honestly couldn’t deal with that. idk how you haven’t left him yet. the kids probably going to end up in jail someday or dead for running his mouth to the wrong person. or talk about a boot camp to straighten his ass out:neutral_face: because honestly that’s where we are about at with my brother 
To be honest I would take my son and leave to not only demonstrate the impact his spoilt brat behavior has had on you and your kids but to also save your own sanity, you don’t deserve to be treated like this. And yes you get a say, as long as that is your house and you are helping to feed that spoilt brats ass and taking care of him then you get a say. But screw that mama leave that toxic shit behind.