We currently have placement of my stepson around 30% of the year. The only reason as to why we don’t have more is because it’s a 45 minute drive to his school. We also went to court when he was younger and the GAL thought at the time the drive would be too long for him. This is when he was 4. Now he is 9 and we’ve been contemplating on going back to court. Anyways he is with us during the summer week on/week off and the the school year holidays and weekends. During the summer I am home with him as his Dad works. We’ll when he’s here I’m home with him I take care of him. Make sure he’s fed, clothed, happy, and take him and his siblings on trips. Anyways we don’t get along with his mom due to past issues. This has created huge issues with my stepson. He lies to his Mom about things. We asked him why and he’s told us that he is scared of her. We’ve told her about this and she doesn’t think it’s true. We’ve witnessed it happen numerous times. He’ll also tell us how he gets bad anxiety with her and her parents. Anyways he ended up in a boot for hurting his foot. It wasn’t broken or anything. It was more for comfort. Well we were having a birthday party for him and his sibling that weekend he had the boot. We told him he was unable to take his boot off to go into the bounce house and unfortunately had to stay out. Well when we got home he immediately took his boot off and went in the bounce house. I told him that his mom is going to end up finding out and that he will be in trouble so he needs to listen to her and keep his boot on. He straight up said to my face “she won’t find out!”. That was the last time I ever said anything about his boot. The next day his Dad told him he’s either going to leave the boot on the rest of the day or leave it off because he’s not going to have him running around with it on. I had no say in this conversation nor did I want to because it felt like it wasn’t my say. This last weekend we went to go pick him up and his mom told me that he said my mom, sister, and I blocked him in a corner made him take his boot off and get on the bounce house. My family wasn’t even here and they even showed up late to the party. I was so devastated and broken that he would say anything like that about my family and I. My family has always been there for him(his mom doesn’t like it). They have never treated him unfair. They’ve always bought him gifts for Christmas and Birthdays and offer to take him places. I’m now at the point in life where I am exhausted. My husband and I argue about it. It affects my other children and I no longer know what to do. What do you think?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should we do?
You should allow his parents to co parents … he definitely should be talked to bout lying … he shouldn’t have been allowed to go to a party where he was not going to be able to have fun like the others … you can’t expect a child to see others having fun and they can’t join the same fun … if my child had to wear a boot or was hurt I wouldn’t allow her to go unless I knew she would be able to be included in the fun things too
Either his mom found out and he was scared to tell her the truth or he’s playing the parents against each other. Sounds like the latter.
All of you, including the child, should see a therapist to help guide you and figure out why he is behaving this way and how to deal with it in the right way and how to co/step parent effectively.
Going through this but worse. And we get WAY less time. I’ve wanted too walk away because of how bad it is. I’ve talked with my boyfriend and let him know my feelings. But his baby mamas are bitter and want him back… So it’s exhausting. Their daughter lies too her mom too. She said I said things I never did. But my boyfriend stands up for us and me. We don’t get even close too that much time. Because we live an hr away from them. And she has activities and what not. And when we asked for more time. Her mom made it a huge deal. It was ugly honestly. If your boyfriend isn’t supportive or defending you. It’s gonna be harder. People who say everyone needs too go too a therapist. Or let them co parent. It’s fine. Til your NOT the problem. I co parent with my children’s dad great. My boyfriends ex wife need therapy too get over him. So they can co parent. We have tried 100 times too. And if she can’t control the situation she wants nothing too do with it. And it’s not okay. Never would I sit there and let lies be made. That how things go bad in court. You have too correct them right away.
The Dad needs to step up and tell his ex what happened and I agree everyone here needs parent training and maybe the boy won’t need behavioral therapy. Otherwise get out of this relationship.
I’m not sure it’s really your place. That’s between the parents, they should be co parenting. But you all need therapy to learn boundaries and understanding his behavior and all of your own.
The kid needs counseling & so do all the adults. He doesn’t know how to cope with the fact the adults in his life don’t get along. He’s doing what kids do, and trying to stay on everyone’s good side regardless of how it affects anyone else
Sounds like he knows how to slip blame. He didn’t get in trouble for taking the boot off because he said they made him do it. He can play parents against each other
Playing houses is a normal thing as far as “Dad lets me do it” “Mom lets me do it” games to capitalize on the unfortunate situation their in being split. We deal with almost the exact situation that you’re going through, I feel so defeated and don’t understand why my bonus kids throw me under the bus when I’m the one who has always done schools, doctors, and keep them when their sick…(We have them majority time) The biggest thing is you start to think you’re going to resent them because u get defensive and scared of what other lies they can construct and how damaging it could be… honestly the conclusion I’ve come to is they go to her house and say these things because she talks way too much about her hate for me and their father in front of them and they just want to fit in and take her side when their face to face with her… it’s a bigger issue then the child lying it’s their guilt for loving you when their mom hates you. She needs help honestly but since you can’t make that happen the child needs an outside person to talk these things through and learn to manage at both houses.
He sounds like he’s playing the adults for fools. He playing you against each other he is clever. You have to nib this in the butt or in a few years when he becomes a teenager he will be a real monster. Teenagers are a whole different beast from a 9 year old. Good luck.
1st the child has said that he doesn’t feel comfortable around his mom? U should figure out why and that might be the cause of him lying 2 his mom. Often lying comes from abuse in any form so they don’t get hurt. He’s also not with yall very often so what u guys deem ok may not be with his mother. U often get 2 do more fun things with him than his mother does because u don’t have him as often. Furthermore if he was in a boot I wouldn’t have let him go 2 party regardless. Kids tend 2 run around and if u knew there was a bounce house or waterslide whatever u can’t expect the child 2 sit in the corner and do nothing. That was just as much yalls fault as his for lying about it. If he’s known 2 lie, I suggest u all sit down and have a discussion as parents and learn how 2 sort ur own problems out as adults because it’s affecting everyone involved now. Kids tend 2 be very intuitive and learn as they get older how 2 play the system. He’s at an age where he’s definatly going 2 start testing more boundaries regardless of consequences and see where he can get away with things. That’s where both parents need 2 be on same page.
He needs therapy for one
I would record the whole time that he is there unfortunately he could make up something that could land yall in jail / prison
This kid is playing them against each other. The dad needs to step and deal with the mom and the lying.
All parents need to be United or the child will play you all against each other. I used to do the same thing to my divorced parents to get what I wanted. I knew who to go for for whatever it was I wanted or to call my dad for certain things. He’s avoiding his consequences by getting the adults all riled up because he sees how easy it is. I’m sorry your going through this, but dad needs to put mom in her place and everyone needs to work it out so you can all communicate and be on the same page.
Hes at the age he will start using you guys against eachother because he knows yall dont get along. Yall need to CO PARENT. None of what is going on his coparenting. Everyone is on the same page, sounds like, for the most part! So start TALKING to each other like adults. This is not about yall and the differences, this is about the children.
He is a kid,not happy with his life, afraid of his mum,so what do you accept him to do? Ovsly he will lie. He is saving himself. I don’t even see why you are feeling so bad about him lying and taking your and your family name. Instead of understanding him. Who will save him from his mum?
Yes instead of complaining you can make both his parents and him to sit down together and talk about his lying,it’s bad and he has to know and understand it in a nice way. He should know he can trust you 3 elder ppl in his life.
Have you consider installing cameras just to stop the lying not by intention but by harassment of the family to keep you away!
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So…kids do often go through this sadly, lying to both parents/families. We have primary with my 3 stepkids and still deal with it at times. They don’t always tell the truth about their reasoning for lying, either. I wouldn’t automatically assume it’s because mom dislikes you. Ours lie about being treated unfairly in basically any situation with other kids, play the whole “I don’t want to go to (either) house” for various untrue reasons, etc.
Mom and dad both need to step up and make it clear lying and trying to play people against each other won’t be tolerated.