I have a grown daughter who is 35. She has 2 children that she does not have custody of either. I have the oldest one and the other one is being raised by 2 Wonderful people. They are in the process of adopting her. My daughter is a major addict that we have had to cut ties with. This breaks my heart but we literally have cut into our retirement so much we barely have any left now. My husband and I were not capable of raising the new baby due to health issues. The child we are raising still occasionally ask about her. What should we tell her. She will be in the 2nd grade this year.
129 Likes
The age appropriate truth. Truth stands when nothing else will and kids are smarter than you think. They hear so much at school now and from other people. Don’t lie to her or sugar coat anything.
39 Likes
Tell her the truth. She will thank you when she older and understands.
We raised our grandson we never kept any of the reasons a secret and as he asked more questions we gave more in depth answers. I feel we should always be honest with children
53 Likes
The truth
You’re safe
I respect your feelings
I will always do my best by you
None of this is your fault
I love you so much
(Adoptive mother in a similar situation)
73 Likes
It’s so hard…I used to tell my son his dad was sick but he at 7 yrs old asks if his dad is dead. Honestly I wish I could have an answer as to what to say…
1 Like
You tell her the truth… it’s hard but it’s much better than lying to her. You answer her questions. Nothing more nothing less 
As a recovering addict myself, I’m glad that my child was told the truth. He understands the dangers of addiction and the love of his family that stepped in to protect him and support us both in the best ways that they could at the time.
Hopefully she will get the help she needs and she will be able to rebuild the relationship she has destroyed with her child and her family.
But…the truth. They already know, and they’re looking for confirmation and affirmation that they’ve not been any reason as to why she is like that. ( my son’s recollection of my active addiction) They pick up on conversations that you don’t even know they are paying attention to. So don’t make yourself out to be a liar unintentionally by not telling her the truth when she asks, she may know more already than you are aware of. Love them all through it…even at a distance.
22 Likes
I would be honest with her for now I would just say that her mom loves her very much but she needs time to get better & hopefully she can come back when she is until then you can write her an tell her how much you love her maybe tell her what your doing (please never say anything bad concerning her mom it will do more harm than good in time)
12 Likes
What I told my son about my uncle at the age of 4 …… he is sick and can’t be around many of us at a time or he will get overwhelmed from anxiety he needs his space so the doctors and councillors can help him fell better my son is now 6 and my uncle is almost at his 2 year clean mark ! He sees the physical change and always says he likes the doctors that helped him get better
I tell my son that his father is sick with an illness that I can’t understand. That he loves his children, but his illness prevents him from being the person he wants to be. Maybe someday he will get the help from the right people and he’ll want to fight his Illness (he’s currently in a rehabilitation program) and he will be able to be the person he wants to be, he will have to prove that to us…. But he should never believe it’s his fault because his father was this person long before he was his father.
4 Likes
Let this little person know that she has a sister she’s lost her mum so let her have a sibling one day they can get to know each other I met my sister when I was 45 it’s never too late
1 Like
Get her into play therapy with a counselor and you can explain the situation and usually they let you go with for the first couple of sessions
1 Like
The truth but don’t put mother down…
1 Like
Just tell her the truth mommy has a sickness and is unable to care for her and because mommy loves you so much she thought it best she stay with you
1 Like
Tell them she’s sick… a little kooky if you must 
recovered addict here… if this were to have happened to me these would be the reasons I’d be comfortable with my children hearing…
So I would tell her age appropriate truth and find a therapist that can help her work thru it.
4 Likes
The truth! Don’t give time frames as that brings false hope. Don’t give your opinion about it. Simply the truth. But also reassure them that you are there and love them. Don’t give any room for it to be turned on you or lie so it breaks trust. Kid’s are more understanding than what we think. I have personally had to go through this situation as a mom to my son who’s “dad” chose drug’s over being a dad. We went through the missing dad, why isn’t dad around, the whole 9 yards. I never hid it from him and was honest on everything and reassured him with or without dad he is loved and I got him and maybe one day he will see the light and be the dad he should be. He’s now 13, nothing has changed on his “dad’s” side as he’s still doing what he does and hasn’t been around in year’s, my son is thriving and doesn’t even ask about him no more.
1 Like
I see a lot of people saying just tell the truth but you need to make the decision if that child is mature enough for the truth.
I’d tell them she’s in college until the time is right.
I would explain that mummy is poorly and so she cannot look after her properly. Acknowledge that it’s very sad and perhaps help to create a memory scrap book, photos of her mummy when she was a little girl and growing up etc. Your granddaughter my need some professional counselling to help her to understand and cope as she grows up. Age appropriate truth is best I think.
15 Likes
The truth …and only the facts…
Do not:
- Lie
- Sugarcoat
- Give your thoughts or opinions about the situation
2 Likes
Having gone through this personally. Being honest is the best
2 Likes
At this age it’s hard. I’d say that mommy is sick right now and needs to make herself better. It’s not a lie, and when they are older I tell them the whole truth. Addiction tends to run in families so just let her know what’s going on later
21 Likes
I would just tell her mommy is sick right now and we can’t see her for awhile. Maybe in a few months after school gets going and routine sets in if you feel she can understand, then maybe. Or talk to a counselor about it.
8 Likes
I have to agree with Erin… way too little to handle the entire truth however they do mature way quicker these days so I don’t think it’ll be too much longer before she can handle all of it. Oh my mama heart…
Situations like this just break me… I know this has nothing to do with your question, but I wanna say how much I amend you for taking her in… I would do anything for another kiddo and adoption is just out of control… if you ever need a loving home to a young mama who had some unfortunate events and can’t have anymore babies, I would be more then happy if you were ever unable… 
2 Likes
Be honest but awear of her age.
Tell her little by little adding more info when it becomes age appropriate
1 Like
I would tell the truth. If you lie to the child when the child grows up he/she gonna always believe that lie and most likely be angry that he/she was lied too. Kids need to learn what that is and learn what really going on with their mom/dad. I know if I was in that situation as a child with one of my parents I’d be angry about it as an adult that I never knew the truth. My kids are ages 9 and almost 6 and I would tell them the truth.
As a child who went through the same thing, tell the truth.
7 Likes
The truth. Her mums unwell.
Counseling may be available to her free of charge. If she is in your custody through DCS it should be,
Tell your grand daughter that her mama has some issues she needs to work on. Her mama needs to work on herself and get herself better. It does NOT mean she does NOT love her because I can guarantee she does but the addiction has its grip on her! I myself am now almost 8 years sober off drugs there is a light at the end of the tunnel for a lot of addicts not all of them are lost causes (coming from a now addictions and community health professional)
3 Likes
The truth
I WOULD NOT say she is sick right now and we can’t see her that is a lie and leads to well when can i see her !
Children know when people are sick and in the hospital people can visit.
In 2nd grade kids learn about drugs and to say no to them and why . I would tell the honest truth your mom cannot provide a stable home , while using drugs she cannot care for herself she cant give you the care you need and we can’t be around her until she gets the help she needs . You shouldn’t lie or sugar coat to much you need to be someone they can trust because she isn’t there . I would only answer the questions asked try to keep answers informative and short and let them know they can talk to you about her anytime . Show pictures they still deserve to know who she is . I wouldn’t talk about your daughter in front of the child about all.of the issues she has or that she is terrible addiction is a horrible thing but kids know more than you think and will find out the truth better coming from you .
2 Likes
Just tell her the true in a language that she can understand.
Tell her that her mom is sick ( addiction is a sickness) and that she is not capable of taking care of her right now
1 Like
The truth. Shes sick and needs help but her sickness keeps her from sickimg help And she loves her and thinks about her all the time
I was toldmy parents where sick with a illness and couldn’t afford to give me the life I deserve so my Nana took care of me they love me very much and none of it wad my fault but sometimes it happens and as I got older my Nana explain to me that addiction was a sickness and it was safe for me to be with my momma or daddy
You tell her that mommy is sick and unable to care for her right now.
You don’t bash the mom at any cost.
4 Likes
I wouldn’t use the word sick as this will frighten young children in that everytime someone gets sick they may never see them again. How to Explain Addiction to a Child may help you find a way to have the conversation.
4 Likes
The truth! It’s better a child know the truth & you can help them work through it. Then you laying to them their whole lives when they find out the truth (they will) & not trusting you or even ruin you relationship with them.
We are raising my great niece. I have always told her the truth. We got her at 4 she is 9 now.
When she was younger & asked about her dad we told her the truth he’s in jail for making really bad chooses & addictions.
Her mom fought me for 4yrs but could never get her act together. The judge in the case demanded me to bring her with me. Made our lives a living hell, the child didn’t want to go. This was the only time the mom got to see her. When she asked about her mom. We told her mom is working on herself, trying to get better from her addictions. (She was, she just keep slipping)
When she asked us what addictions were when she was older we told her. When she asked in her dad’s case we pulled up his criminal record & showed her. We tell her they will always be your bio parents & yes they love you the best way they know how. We reassure her all the time she is safe, we love unconditionally, she is her own person & can be anything! She is in counseling & life is getting easier!
3 Likes
I’m in a similar situation. I’m raising my great niece. She doesn’t know her parents bc they walked out of her life at the age of 2 (I’ve had her since she was 4 months). She don’t remember them. She addresses me and my significant other as mom & dad. I was told by her counselor that in time we will tell her EVERYTHING. She’s 6 now. I can tell she knows somethings off (she don’t look like any of us and she’s noticing) so I know I’m going to have to have that talk with her sooner than later. It’s a sad situation all the way around. This was not the plan. The plan was her parents would remain in her life but they decided to move hours away and not call or visit these past 4 years. When she was 2 she started to address us as mom & dad, we were addressing ourselves as aunt & uncle. Nothing we forced on her. She heard my other 2 children so she just picked it up from them. No matter weather we corrected her or not she continues to call us mom & dad.
Honestly what I told my daughter ( same situation) ish. Your daddy loves you , he just doesn’t know how to be a dad . It has nothing to the child. Or just say mommy is getting some help so she can learn to be a better mommy. It’s so heart breaking! My thoughts and prayers for you
4 Likes
Always be honest with her. Sending hugs and prayers🙏
Always be honest (at an age appropriate level) with the child.
Your mom loves you, but she is not able to take care of you. She has an illness that makes it hard to be a good mom. You are safe with us. We love you and we’ll take good care of you forever.
29 Likes
I have 3 kids and currently obtaining of one of my nephews. I’d like both nephews but one lives with us already as a placement from birth. Anyway, similar situation. One of my boys is a second grader as well, and when he asks about his aunt or why the baby lives with us I just tell him that his mom can’t take care of him right now. That she has a bad sickness in her head and it makes her not able to take care of him safely. It’s not a lie and it’s a way he can age appropriately understand it. Good luck
Honestly the truth. As she gets older and you lie she can resent you. So I would be up front with her. So you all can and will stick together forever.
First of all thank you for watching over her. Tell her the truth, edited the best way you can for her age, she will not appreciate anything other than the truth. I know how hard that may sound but that’s what has to be done.
15 Likes
I have a child this age. They are so much more capable of understanding these things than we give them credit for. Talk to some children’s professionals that you know (counselors, teachers, etc) and find an age appropriate way to explain things that really answer every question.
Bless you and your family. I hope things get easier.
2 Likes
I was raised by my grandparents and unfortunately they couldn’t take all my siblings as they weren’t biologically related to them. They did everything for me, but they did tell me the truth for the most part. When I was young they just said she was sick essentially and that she couldn’t take care of me. Out of my 3 siblings I am close with the youngest, one was adopted and we have reconnected and one doesn’t have anything to do with anyone from the family at all. It’s a tough situation, tell her maybe one day her mom will get better but for now she gets to live with you which is very special. And for the record I love my grandma more than anyone in the world
My ex is an addict and I had to have this conversation with my daughter many times over the years as she aged and became more aware and the questions became more honest.
I explained that Daddy’s brain works differently when it comes to things like grown up drinks.
And because of that he makes bad choices. And until he can make good choices he won’t be around.
But that he loves her. We all love her. She is safe and loved and none of it is her fault.
My parents helped me raise her. We got her a play therapist.
She’s 13 now and doing great.
I can’t answer your question but my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. Just let her know you love her and her mother but her mother is not able to take care of her.
Gosh- as a mom of an x who is an addict we share a 14 yr old that has been through so much hurt.
At a young age I just explained that her dad isn’t healthy enough to take care of her but that she has a village who loves and supports here. As she’s older I have been more clear, and honestly he has shown his true colors and she is well aware of who he really is. It’s heartbreaking to watch her dad choose everything but her over and over again.
It’s heartbreaking sometimes, but when my son was old enough to understand, I told him that I was caring him for his mom but unfortunately, she passed away before he was born
we told him that his mom he wanted me and daddy to share him…
You tell her the TRUTH but in an appropriate way for a 7yr old. Always be honest!!
Always tell a child the truth but at her level…
Be appropriately honest with her. And if you know the family adopting her sibling? Try to have a relationship between the kids.
1 Like
It’s always best to be as honest as you can with her.
Tell her her mom is sick and just not able to provide for her properly. Explain this is her moms choice and has nothing to do with her. It’s not her fault
Children usually think it’s their fault,and never speak poorly of the parent to or in front of the child.
1 Like
Do and say from the heart. You’ve got this!
Tell her the truth. “Mommy is sick and we were not able to care for your sister. It’s not pleasant, my love, but these are the cards we have to play.”
2 Likes
Take it from a fool ,I adopted our granddaughter . We raised her and did a decent job. We had an open adoption. Keep her away and let her forget. You are asking for heart break if u dont
My ex walked out when my daughter was 4 didn’t want to lie but also didn’t want to upset her, we just told her he wasn’t ready to be a daddy yet. This stopped a lot of questions and she was able to move on from it. She’s now 8 and never talks about him.
3 Likes
The truth. Reassure her that she is loved, even by her mother but that her addiction is to strong for her to fight right now and that she does live her.
Always tell the truth that way she’ll grow up respecting you and you won’t have to remember any lies.
If the adoptive family isn’t open to keeping the door open to a relationship with her sibling, they are TRASH! & so are you for allowing it!
You tell her that Mom loves her. Tell her that all of you love her. Sometimes people cannot be parents, but you and her grandfather will take care of her. I would tell her about her sister and make sure they have a relationship. As she gets older you can tell her more information about her mother’s struggles but for now making sure she knows she will be taken care of and is loved by both you and her mother is enough.
7 Likes
The tough part of this is her ability to have a relationship with her baby sister, the mother situation will just be about acceptance of the sickness of addiction
3 Likes
Honesty is the best policy. Don’t be brutal because she is a young child, but take the time to educate about the tragedy of any addiction.
At her age I would limit what you say, because she just might not fully understand. As for you raising her, you should apply for welfare & medical benefits for her. I would just say her mom is not able to care for her but you & her grandpa love her very much & you guys will help her grow up. And also get her to a therapist when & if needed.
Also allow her to see her sibling when you can
1 Like
i think they need to be told in an age appropriate way the truth
Be honest, never lie, but make everything about loving her. Her mother is sick and made some bad choices. She is away BECAUSE she loves her and knows she’s not a good influence right now. So grandma comes after mom and you will do moms job until she can because you LOVE THEM BOTH. Leave the adult version for everyone else. Good luck to you.
2 Likes
The truth without sordid details. Mom has an illness and is unable to care for you. We love you and will always be here for you.
I raised three grandchildren after my daughter’s suicide and was always honest with them.
3 Likes
Just be honest when answering her wuestions but do it in an age appropriate way. As she grows older and is still asking you can give more information. At a second grade level I would tell her that her Mom has made some unhealthy choices that have caused her to have a sickness so unable to take care of her. Let her know that her Mom still loves her very much and that you still love her Mom. Make sure she knows she always has a home with you and that she is ssfe.
Always tell children the truth in matters like this. That it is not their fault that she loves drugs more than them.
Atp…at this age, tell her nothing other than her mother is away and very very sick, but loves her…only if she asks, and deflect the subject quickly.
As time goes on, incorporate age appropriate truth details.
She’s got her whole life to have to live with the detailed whole truth realizations of her mother…and she’ll know and understand soon enough as she gets older.
Its a delicate process. Keep it simple and age appropriate to what child can psychologically understand and bear.
If she has insurance or Medicaid, maybe look into age appropriate therapy!
Tell the truth. Portray the birth mother as someone with an illness, not selfish. Because it’s probably true.
Tell her the truth, that her mom has a serious illness that can affect the health and welfare of her children. She needs to know this can happen to anyone if they don’t know and have a very hard time with stressor in their life. Let her talk and ask and never hide her feelings. I’d suggest some help from groups like Al Anon for both of you. God bless.
The truth and tell her about the addiction. She needs to know that it runs in her family.
Tell her the truth…addiction is an illness.
When my kids were young their dad battled a heavy addiction. Unfortunately for their safety and well being, I had to cut ties as well.
In that time I just explained that he was dealing with a lot, he wasn’t well, and that he was going to need some help before he could see them again. Shortly after my kids began questioning, their dad checked himself into rehab/detox. Despite his addiction, I kept in contact with him, supported him, and was a call/message away always during active addiction and recovery. It was such an exhausting time, but my kids always knew he needed help, he loved them, and that he wasn’t making the best choices at the time. This month he will be 6 years clean & sees our kids every weekend, holiday and summer. He is open with them about his prior addiction and very honest.
I highly recommend seeking out some counseling for her though. It’s so beneficial for children to have a safe outlet to discuss things and express themselves
The truth!! Sit her down and have a talk! The longer u put it off or make up lies the worst it will be!
That mommy was and is very sick both physically and mentally but she loves them very much. You just aren’t physically healthy enough either to take a new baby in either. If she asks more I wouldn’t lie. She’s old enough to learn drugs are bad. I’m 33 and learned about dare in like 2nd or 3rd grade I’m pretty sure.
2 Likes
You give an age appropriate version of the truth.
You can’t really explain to a 6/7/8 year old that mommy/daddy is a drug addict because they don’t really know what that means and won’t understand why their parent chooses drugs (or something else) over them.
I picked my 10 year old daughter and her 10 year old friend up from my grandmothers house last weekend. They were over there for a little pool party. I’ve met this friend a few times, as the girls go to school together and cheer together. When I was taking the friend home, she proceeded to tell me that she lives with her aunt and uncle because her dads in jail and her mom chose drugs over her. It broke my heart to hear that. No child should ever have to tell someone that their parent chose drugs over them.
If I were you, I would tell your granddaughter that her mom is sick and that she’s seeing a lot of doctors, trying to get better and that’s why she isn’t around much. It’s not a lie that her mom is sick and as she gets older, you can revisit the subject and she will eventually understand. Hopefully, it won’t come to that though. Hopefully her mom does seek help, does get into recovery and can work towards being the mom that those babies need.
Your granddaughter was me at a tender age! My mom was an addict BAD and sometimes she would drop us off at our grandparents house for weeks turned months and we would wonder every single day when she was coming back! I will say this just make sure you tell her that her mom loves her! And how deep her mom loves her! That right now she isn’t able to care for her the way that you can care for her! That doesn’t mean she doesn’t think about her every day! But while she’s with you love on her the best you can and pour into her! We stayed with our grandparents but we hated it there! The man (granddad) was so mean to us! Made it clear on most days that he didn’t want us there and that my mom needed to come get her f’n kids!!! So we grew up in a place of not feeling WANTED!!! It was hard enough that we missed our mom but then we were somewhere where we weeent really loved so we’d rather be running the streets with our mom anyway! So do the best you can to make her feel loved and wanted despite your feeling toward your daughter because I remember everything from my childhood and the people along the way!!! Prayers to you and to her!!! Also if you need any tips please message me I’m now 37 and my moms still an addict I’ve been through so much counseling and healing so I can love on my children and break the generational curses the proper way 
Always tell the truth. If you don’t it will be held against you when she finds out the truth. Kids will find out because they want to know about family and family history
Going into 2nd grade is young. I would just say mommy is sick, trying to get better. That’s not a lie.
Tell her the truth.dont hide anything from her.
Tell her the truth. That mommy loves you but she can’t keep you safe. So that’s why we (you) are.
Tell her that mommy loves her very much, but mommy is going through a really hard time right now and she can’t be with her right now
Tell her her mommy is sick and that’s why you guys have to take care of her
That deep down her mommy loves her but right now mommy isn’t in a great place…you leave it age appropriate…2nd grade isn’t an age to tell her the entire truth
I told my daughter her father can’t be a daddy until he can get some help and get clean the older she got the more I could tell her but I never really kept anything from her
Tell her her mother is sick and has a disease 
. Because of these disease she can’t take care of you or your sibling . When she is older you can tell her about the disease. When her school starts teaching the danger or drugs . That’s when you give her the total truth .
Just let her know her mom has a very serious disease
That her mom is sick and needs help to get better. Be honest.
Tell her she has a sister but mommy cant take care of them because she is sick.
The truth, but don’t go into much detail at her age, be vague. Add more detail as she asks more questions and gets older
The age appropriate truth. I’d look around for books about explaining addiction to kids and adoption. It has to be very hard to loose her mom and her sister.
Just tell them she went away to get better. Is she still using?
Honestly… if you can’t do it that’s okay you can’t be reliable yourself because your selfish child. Those kids deserve maybe a better life? Yes. Either way yall are old and running outta money for YOURSELVES that YOU saved to retire… doesn’t mean yall gotta go broke and hungry but have to be responsible.
Give them up. 
sorry I don’t gaf if you wanna come at me. But in 10 years when the stress is so bad it literally unlives the GRANDPARENTS.
They’ll be u foster care anyway.
Let them go, live your lives. Sorry not sorry.
Addiction is only a sickness if you allow it to be you make a decision daily to use I didn’t choose to wake up daily and have to deal with autoimmune diseases and cancer that’s a disease and a sickness and yep I have fought my own demons in the past but they were all by choice I chose to use that day instead of choosing to reach out for help … that is a choice period I will not engage with all the get educated bs I got educated through use and the choices I made when I chose to get help I made the right choice when I chose to get high or drunk it was me that made that choice not anyone else but I will say I didn’t have anything to care about at the time I didn’t have kids I was out of a very abusive relationship I left home at 13 due to sexual abuse and physical so yes I made piss poor choices but then 1 morning I woke up and said today I choose to be sober so I got help to stay sober those are choices sorry not sorry having a disease is something that is out of your control it’s called choices period