Backstory first. I grew up being raised by my Dads family. My grandmother took on the role my mother didn’t take. For years I would see her on weekends if I saw her. She remarried and her second child ended up living with their grandmother as well. She remarried again and those children went through it. I always stayed in contact and had visits throughout my teens. I become a mother and she suddenly started coming around more because of my child. I also think her boyfriend at the time pushed her to see us more. Fast forward I am now married and have 3 more children. Years back I came to realize upon taking on more responsibility with my children that that dealing with her visits were too much. She would drink ( a big priority for her), she had no license from drinking, and I began asking myself if I really wanted her around my children. Was it worth it? I noticed during her visits, she would be happy at the beginning and maybe bring gifts for the kids, then she would seem annoyed and ready to haul ass back to her home state. I turned down a visit due to having to drive halfway to pick her up and told her I just wasn’t up for it. After, she wouldn’t respond to messages or answer calls. This happened throughout my life where she would just quit answering calls and then all of a sudden she would pop up like nothing happened. This time was different for myself and I found myself just not caring. I realized she had not been the mom she should’ve been throughout my life. Or any of her children really. It strained the relationship I have always had with her sister, my aunt. Now my aunts daughter is getting married. I haven’t seen them in 4 years. Before that we weren’t invited to Christmas etc. I feel like the right thing to do is to go to the wedding but… I really don’t want to deal with any of it. By no means am I scared to voice how I feel to any of my mothers family if it’s brought up, Im not scared to casually say hello or even not say hello if my mother is there. I just don’t want to ruin anything for my cousins day if someone mouths off to me. Opinions welcomed
I wouldn’t go…I’m the same but with my dads family and not knowing them until 17 yrs old.He’s priorities were and still are the same.I have the family on my fb but we live days away by car.I also feel I don’t want my father renting space in my head.You’ve made your own little family.Let them rent the space in your head, not others x
If you feel like you can’t attend the event without participating in unnecessary drama then don’t go. Talk to the bride about it. It’s her big day. See how she feels about it.
Just do what you need to do might be good for kids to connect to family
Honestly, could just send a card of congratulations and maybe a small gift or gift card and just stay home so there is no issue.
Talk to your cousin she what she thinks but sounds like let sleeping dogs lie .
Go to the wedding if you want. If anyone tries to get Into it with you, walk away or leave
If you haven’t had any contact with your mother’s family in 4 years why would your cousin invite you to her wedding? That seems off to me. It’s supposed to be a day you spend with your close loved ones. You obviously aren’t close to her. It sounds like a set up to me. Make you feel obligated to go then start drama with you. I wouldn’t go to a wedding (funeral or any other occasion) for someone who I otherwise don’t have contact with. It seems disrespectful to me.
We’re still in a “panini” it’s perfectly acceptable to turn down an invite, especially now. Send a card or a gift and wish them well. Take care of YOU!
It’s completely ok to not participate. Send a card and small gift and then enjoy the life you’ve created.
You can always say “Not today, Satan” if someone tries to start anything with you. You can add, “This isn’t the time or place for your bs” if you’d like.
you & only you can decide this. And if you do call or text your mom & she doesn’t answer the first time, stop calling & texting her some more, Yes, she gave birth to you, but that is all she did for you. And some day in the future she will regret everything, or maybe not!!! But that is on her, not you
I’m sure your family knows the kind of mother she was. No one can fault you for putting distance between you and her and it’s no ones business either. If anyone voiced their opinion you can politely say “I’ll think about that.” And then don’t.
Don’t go. It’s already causing you anxiety. Enjoy your life without them.
I just flat out wouldn’t go. If your mothers family, including you, can’t brush it off and stay civil for the most important chapter of someone else’s life, there’s no point in taking the chance of ruining it. it’s not hard to walk away from a conversation you don’t want to have if you don’t absolutely have to have the conversation. it’s also easy to say “this isn’t the best time or place, we can square away another time” and leave it at that. if you don’t want to take the chance of talking at all, show up for vows and rings and the last isle walk and then dip. simple solutions. every family under the sun needs to realize there’s a time and place for everything.
donèt go to the wedding send a gift that is it
Skip the wedding for your own good
I honestly wouldn’t go if you don’t think you and your mom can be civil. Even if you can but don’t think she could. I would also explain to your cousin you don’t want to chance taking away from her day
I wouldn’t go, if you weren’t invited to Christmas or holidays, then why are they inviting you to this wedding? They all sound toxic
Send a card to your cousin wishing her well on her new adventure if she ever comes out your way to meet up and get together
Save yourself the drama that will follow by declining the wedding and send a lovely gift and card. That will be remembered more than briefly seeing you amongst 100 other guests and no doubt you’ll save the wedding day from unwanted toxic feelings floating around. We can choose our friends but don’t always get to choose our family members. If people do not fit into your idea of ‘healthy relationship participants’, including your mother, then what kind of example is that setting for your own family? Choose harmony and your healthy happy family life over the trivial and toxic and emotional roller coaster repeat of years gone by. You’ll be at peace knowing you made the right decision. Good luck to your and your family and congratulations for breaking the cycle.
Think you’ve just answered your own question
I don’t have anything to do with my mother either. She will sometimes be at my little brother’s family functions. I literally ignore the fact she exists. I’m not missing or ruining anything because of her. She isn’t worth it!
Don’t go. Send a nice gift and card and call it good!
I would say if you and that said cousin is close or used to be then I would go. And have a good time and let her know you are their for her support
Follow your gut and don’t go
If it were me I would buy my cousin a nice wedding gift then sit down and write her a heartfelt letter letting her know you love her and would really like to be there for her on her big day then just let her know that you feel like you have to much tension and hurt in your heart right now and that you feel its best for you to not come because you dont want to take any chances of ruining her day. Then mail it to her.
Im sure she will understand and feel better about knowing why you arent there.
This is a conversation you need to have with your cousin. Chances are your cousin already knows what kind of personality your mom has.
If it’s been 4 years and you were not invited to Christmas, then why go to the wedding? Its already causing you anxiety. It would be a No go for me. That way your not ruining your day or your cousins day.
I would not go and send a gift instead.
Take what ever gift you plan on giving your cousin to them before the wedding tell them you won’t be there and why and that you wish them a long and happy marriage.
You do not owe anyone anything you can gracefully rsvp with a no and send a thoughtful gift from thier gift registry if you feel a need to participate in some manner.
Don’t go it’s your cousins day you haven’t seen them in 4 years so if you don’t care don’t bother
Often in weddings there are landmines of family drama likely to explode and the solution for many is to attend the wedding but duck the reception, traditionally the drama usually starts after the corks start popping, your mom has alcohol problems then duck out before she starts getting juiced
Maybe just go to the ceremony and don’t go to the reception at least you were there for the main part of her wedding
Your assuming family are gonna say something. Everyone’s main intention is to go have a good time at a wedding. Your there for your cousin. If by chance anyone brings up anything you can politely say this is not the time or place it’s my cousins wedding day and walk away or excuse your self.
Your mom is an alcoholic You won’t know if she will be happy depressed angry or over the top she did the right thing having grandma raise you it must have been painful for her now she has no self esteem as a mother so when she goofs up she gos into a funk like she’s never Goode enough she struggles maybe send a note that you will see her at the wedding and are looking forward to say hi to her and hope she is doing well So when you go to the wedding you’ve paved the way for a civil meeting
Go with the gut, send a gift and say your thank you’s.
I wouldn’t go but I’d express appreciation for the invite send best wishes and a gift and call it good so that no feelings are hurt and u don’t risk your own mental health …
Well weddings 
are for happiness & if you don’t feel happy going give it a miss "
Wouldn’t bother going to the wedding what’s the point…
Don’t give your peace of mind for someone else sanity.
If you can’t guarantee you don’t make a scene, don’t go. She doesn’t deserve to have her day ruined. I get standing up for yourself, but there’s a time and a place. Your cousins wedding isn’t it.
I would choose not to go.
Avoid the wedding! Not worth the drama or to revisit the past.
Send a nice gift and have a day where you go spend with her take her out and give her the gift and explain you only want to add to their joy and not take anything away from their day and fear that others may see and use it as an opportunity to bait you into making it about them and you are just trying to respect them by taking yourself out of that equation.
Don’t think of your mum or family. How will you feel can you cope? Do what’s right for you . This is what your mother may have done maybe just selfish. She has her own story maybe as to why she’s lacking in these areas. So don’t judge her . Just do whatever feels right for you and your family it’s all you can do until your mother willing to explain her behaviour xxxxxx
If it were me… I would send a gift and a card explaining that I couldn’t make the wedding but wanted to wish her well in her marriage.
Seeing your mom and having an issue there could possibly damage all of the relationships.
It’s a wedding so it’s gonna be alot going on, maybe go to the wedding then leave. Show up when the wedding starts too, that way you can be in and out and won’t have to socialize with anybody
Just stay home less is better send card etc. life is just to short for all the heartache
Most people even the most hardened criminals of any family behave very well at weddings. This is because they don’t want to be caught out in the truth. The fact they behave bad is often behind closed doors where they can later say your the crazy one.
Things might go over with very little to no drama.
I wouldn’t go. Toxic is toxic, family or not.
dont go love send a card with a message to your cousin Dont put yourself thru it or as you say let them spoil your cousins day.
Can you attend the wedding and skip the reception??
It’s possible to avoid her that way and not be in a position to be side swiped by her.
If you think she’ll run her mouth, by all means, decline all together.
That said, I hope you can attend the wedding, at least.
Go as a ghost…your there but know one hears a word from your mouth…speck to the bride and groom…eat the food, get them a gift and enjoy your day.
Go and stay away from her or send a nice gift and bow out.
Covid. Covid is ALWAYS a valid excuse not to go somewhere you don’t wanna be. Just saying.