I don’t know when to tell my daughter that her father is not her biological father. She just turned four and has known my fiancé since she was ten months old. She thinks he is her daddy. Her real dad wanted nothing to do with her, and it’s better off that way. I feel like I need to tell her at some point in her life; I just don’t know when. I know four is way too young. I want to be honest with my daughter and give her the chance to meet her real dad if that’s what she decides.
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He could adopt her legally. Still too young to explain otherwise.
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She obviously doesn’t think he is her Daddy he is cop yourself on
My daughter was ten when i told her and she said i know mum i heard you both talking about when to tell me but she never asked anything about her real dad untill 26 years old and seen for herself what kind of man he was when she met up with him and has never contacted him since but what ever you do dont tell her the bad stuff to early wait untill she asks when shes older they dont need to hear all that to young a age
Why worry about it now? She’s 4, she doesn’t care. I’d wait until she shows interest in wanting to know who her real father is. If she even does.
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I waited till mine was 18
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I had same problem it will come into play betw35 &
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Wait till she asks. My sons bio dad has been out of the picture for 5 years, my husband has raised our son for 7 years. I’ve put a box aside with paperwork/pictures/and last known address and number. Hes 9 now and has started asking questions, mainly why he doesn’t look like his dad (my husband) and his knew sister and why my last name and his are different from his dads and sisters. I didn’t change mine when we got married, wanted to make sure my kiddo didn’t feel left out or alone.
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She’s too young to understand that. But you could introduce her to the idea that all families are different give her some examples. It will be easier for her accept when the time is right.
Well first of all thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life, that couldn’t of been easy, I have no idea when, but I do think it’s important that she knows the truth. There are so many factors to think of. I would definitely ask a professional, a therapist, asking us, is so sweet, but we are just a bunch of opinions. Your doing awesome mom.
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I found out from family… it was devastating… I don’t believe it is your right to steal this truth! Who gave you the idea that being TRUTHFUL about her father was your CHOICE?? Its not, you decided when you conceived the child, she deserves to know her father, regardless of what you THINK of him… this honestly disgusts me…
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When shes a bit older I think
What’s with these post? If the father hasn’t been in the child’s life and they have no clue who they are then what’s the point of even saying anything?? She has a dad, your fiancé…
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Shes not too young to be told at all. But you must tell her in an age appropriate way. Make her feel special about it and that she is a gift. Don’t underestimate kids abilities to accept things as they are. They are better at it than adults.
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She’s too young to understand it now.
You’ll know when the time is right.
I grew up without a father figure, I never questioned it. Maybe your daughter wont either…
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My sons four and just starting asking bout who his father is. (He’s never known him). My son has shown no interest in getting to know him (I told him the dads name, That’s it). Don’t worry until she starts to question about where he his
Do it when you get married, assuming that will be sometime in the near future. This bit of news need not be negative or off-putting. Tell her a story of how she came to you (stork, heaven-sent, or something. you pick). Then tell her that after she came, you met your fiancé and he asked to be your husband and her dad. He’s coming from a place of love and now you will all be a family. That’s all she needs now. Later as she gets older she may ask questions as her understanding develops. But tell her soon before it comes from elsewhere. Don’t fret. Children are resilient. You are her mother. She trusts you and she will receive what you say. Let it come from you.
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I cant tell you when the right age is but my parents told me at 18 and I was so angry for them waiting so long I felt lied to my whole life. …even tho the man I call dad has never treated me any different I wish I was told at a younger age. (They only told me cuz I needed my birth certificate for my state ID)
Never hide that fact from her… there is this feeling of being in the wrong place that those of us who are adopted or missing a parent who is absent from day one feel… I don’t know what it is but we feel this loss of belonging… I’m in my 60’s now and have had problems socializing because of fear of rejection… My natural father left when I was a little over a year and has never seen him since or mom received child support and over years hearing things behind my back he didn’t want me… Very very young they hear things you whisper and hold it in… Be open honest and join an adoptee help group for advice that may help guide you to tell her what at what age… Best to come from you peacefully than a stranger being mean…
Definitely tell her. The guy you’ve been with has been her dad for 3 years but who knows where that’ll be in 10… js… also for medical reasons it can be VERY important to know and who knows how many siblings she could be missing out on… my husband only met his dad a handful of times was raised for 20 years by a man who was his “dad” who now has 0 to do with him so ya its not always rainbows and unicorns but the truth is important. He also has 5 half siblings from his bio dad and he does talk to 1 of them frequently
Tell her now before some one else tells her n hates you for lying to her for years just say she’s special cos he chose to be her daddy don’t have to go into too much detail children are really adaptable she won’t remember not knowing am a bit confused with people saying not to tell at all surely your daughter will need her birth certificate at some point 
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You will know the right time. You might choose when she is 16 or older. You can always write her a letter & then it makes it a little easier when u do it.
I told my daughter at 12, and she met her bio dad. She is was a very mature 12 though…
If her bio dad isn’t in the picture, why change the dynamics
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Tell her when she starts asking questions. Until then let her have her happiness…
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As a bio daughter, step daughter, adoptee, The Sooner the better!
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She too young to understand I’ll wait tell she older
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Wait tell the age she can actually understand
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At the age of 10, my son starting asking questions that’s when I told him…your daughter will come to you then you explain it all to her.
I’d wait until she old enough to realize that the man in her life CHOSE to love her like his own even when he didn’t have to. Kids are impressionable and you don’t want to change her picture of him while she’s that little.
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My dad was never in my life but my mom never told me a lie about it. She always explained that he left and didnt want to be around. I met him when I was 14 but I respect my mom for always telling me from the time I could remember. Explain it in a child kind of way and explain that the man who has been around loves her and wanted to be her dad. She will ask more questions as she gets older and explain more as she asks. Leave how much she wants to know up to her. If you know anyone who has a step parent use them as an example. Learning when she gets old could make her angry. Of its always known she will be ok with it.
This was asked 2 times on Friday too. So u could look at those also.
Whatever you do, don’t NOT tell her!! I found out something similar when I turned 18. It was an extended member of my family that told me that hadn’t been in touch for years. She thought I already knew…
I then found out that everyone else knew. I was the only one who didn’t. I felt cheated, unimportant and totally betrayed. My whole life felt like a lie. I screwed up and went on a self destruct mission for many years after that, and I never ever forgave my mother. Still haven’t, and she’s been dead 12 years. Talk to your daughter and tell her whenever you think that’s its the right time. But do tell her. If you don’t she will find out at some point when she is older, (it always comes out one way or another) and when she does it will break her heart. She will never trust you, or anything she is told again.
Absolute joke, i wonder how many people saying when shes much older have been in this position? The amount of lies you would have to make up from a young age to cover the story is much worse than saying that her daddy met her after she was born. He was searching for his love and for him it was even more special because he found 2 instead of 1.
Questions will be asked without a doubt. Daddy what was it like for you when i was born. Daddy why are there photos of me with mummy as a baby but none with you. Daddy what was mum like when she was pregnant, why are their no photos of you both together. Mum why does facebook say your relationship started from bla year. Some of these wuestion come from as young as 3.
Let the girl and her dad build an honest real relationship from now. It will be the realest father she could have. Otherwise she could feel a loss of identity when shes told and that could be so much worse than knowing who she is from the beginning.
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Only if and when your daughter questions you about it.
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Best advice I can give is to Google “how to explain adoption to a 4 year old” while not exactly your situation you can take some of the tips and tricks they use and apply it in an age appropriate manner
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Maybe explain that a daddy isn’t blood, it’s someone who steps up and loves her like a daddy. He may not be biologically her dad, but he will forever be her real daddy
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That’s for you to decide but I will say don’t wait forever I’d say maybe when she’s older 4 to here doesn’t really matter right now she won’t understand just don’t keep it from her for ever I have a family member who recently we threw this and her mom didn’t tell her till she was in her 20 let’s just say it didn’t go well so again that’s for you to decide but don’t wait forever either
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Honestly if you’re planning on getting married just let him adopt her and go on with your life. When she’s older y’all can explain it to her if it comes up but if the bio father isn’t going to be in her life don’t stress it. That’s her daddy and trying to tell her he’s not her blood at 4 may just be too much
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Tell her she’s special and that she has 2 daddy’s. One that gave you a special baby making seed but wasn’t ready to be a daddy. And one who loves you so much and wanted to be your daddy.
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I was also in the same boat as you. What I did was I had my son call my now husband by his first name and not by daddy. This way it was easier when it came time to have that talk
Always make it known that a different man made her but daddy chose her!!!
She won’t feel like it’s been hidden from her all her life if there’s no big secret
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Why would you wanna mess that up…hes not her biological daughter but thats it he’s her father in every way…leave it til she’s older and understands
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Right away I knew someone whom was not told until the Dad who raised her passed away and it hurt them not knowing sooner.
Best of luck.
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From personal experience I would tell her while she’s young. My mother let me believe her husband and the man I thought was my dad was my dad til I was 17 and when I found out the truth our relationship was never the same. I don’t have a relationship with my bio dad or my my mom at this point its been 20 years.
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If the bio father is actually going to be in her life then I would wait til she’s older and has a better understanding. I think at 4 it would be a tad bit confusing. I mean its ultimately your choice.
Sooner is better than later! 4 isn’t too young in my opinion.
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Why do you have to make things so difficult she is four they understand more then what you think you tell her the truth that daddy is the man that stepped up when her real dad stepped down
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If she isn’t asking questions I wouldn’t worry about it yet wait till she comes to you if your fiancé is the only “father” she knows I wouldn’t mess that up she is still young
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Wait until she’s at LEAST like 12 or maybe even 14. Old enough to understand. My parents waited until I was 21 and I found out by accident and I was mad by the way I found out. I only wished they had told me earlier. My dad raised me as his own, he never treated me any differently than my brother who was actually his. So I didn’t hate them but only wished they had told me instead of finding out the way I did.
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She’ll figure it out you can tell her when she’s older up to you
Look up this song on YouTube
The Daddy Song
By Ryan St Louis
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Let me just say from experience my mother told me when I was 18 and I hated the fact that she didn’t tell me sooner. The sooner the better.
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There are story books about these subjects… maybe see what is out there…start with bed time stories about different kinds of families…
From personal experience better sooner than later, kids are so resilient and can handle so much more than adults IMO… don’t leave it until she’s older, it’ll not go well for any one involved. Good luck
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I have a similar situation we told him last yr after his 8th birthday. Tbh he was super unbothered by it and it didn’t change a thing in our lives Also I explained some kids have 2 daddies. 1 who puts them in the mommy and 1 who takes care of them.
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I’d say 5/6 when her understanding is better. Definitely whilst she’s younger. I love the comment about about the “daddy seed” but her daddy chose her because he loved her so much
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My oldest 2 aren’t my husbands biological children , I waited for them to start asking questions to have any serious conversation with them once they started questioning why they had a different last name than my husband and asking who their real father was when they were around 5 and 6 I contacted him and they got to know him he’s a different person than he was when they were babies and they spend weekends with him and his fiancée . They are 11 and 12 and have a good relationship for the most part . I never went into the full details of why he wasn’t in their lives I just let them know that he wasn’t ready to be a father but they still had an amazing father figure while their bio dad was figuring himself out. They didn’t need all the details that’s a burden for their father and myself to carry.
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Tell her while young. My two sisters found out our Dad wasn’t their biological Dad as preteens and it sent them into a tailspin making v them question their identity and what else they’d been “lied” to about. My Dad has always said if he had to do it over again he’d have told them young where they could grow up knowing and being comfortable instead of blindsided.
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my grandson (his daddy is my son, he died over 4 yrs ago). his step dad-- has been in his life since he was 1. he’s just turned 8 back last month. he always referred to my son, daddy matthew, step dad-daddy greg. it broke my heart one day (after son died) to hear him say, daddy greg isn’t really my dad. he’s my step dad and not my dad. we then talked about what a dad does for you. daddy greg is just as much of his dad as daddy matthew was. we always say, what does your mom and dad (greg) say about things. he was only 4 when my son died and came to this understanding really quick and knows greg is his dad as well as daddy matthew.
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My mom told me when I was 9 bc my bio dad wanted to meet me then and it was after I met him a few times he came mowed our lawn and came to church with us a few times and then they talked and decided to tell me my step father was not biological and that the man who has been hanging around lately was and once she trusted him and he proved he wanted a relationship with me she asked me if I wanted to go and meet his family which is also mine and it’s been great ever since I’m 30 now
I told my kids when they they were older into there teens. I was blesses that they said they understiod that we didnt tell them when they were younger because we wanted them to be older and unserstand everything and form their own opinions. I think it made then love their dad( non biological) even more for steping up.
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I have a 4 and 5 year old. I honestly think it would be very confusing to a young child. I’d say 6 or 7 would be more appropriate as you would only have to explain it once. My kids right now need multiple explanations on things they find difficult to understand like death for example. At 4 they have no clue about biology etc my 4 year old thinks I laid an egg 
he came up with that theory on his own lol. I defo wouldn’t wait too long like the older they get the more resentment they would feel about it so defo by 7 or 8 the latest but not yet. Hope this helps xx
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From my personal experience, be honest with her as early as you think she will remember. It will scar her much more later in life. I overheard a conversation at age 6 or 7. I felt betrayed, I wish I would have been told earlier. Make sure your boyfriend let’s her know “he chose her.” Also, my advice when she becomes an adult, if you have it, give her any information she may need about her father. Let it be her chose then, not yours. My mom didn’t feel comfortable sharing that stuff with me.
My grandson calls his stepfather dad , he calls his real father by his name , my daughter told my grandson when he was 5 ,
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My sister adopted her husbands niece and told her at a young age …you can tell her this is your father but this is daddy…daddy has been the one who takes care of you since you were little
.show her a picture of her bio father. But let her know who loves her… We have a Gotcha day …thats the day we adopted her and make a big deal on that day… This is just my opinion…God Bless on your decision
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My 2 year old refers to my partner as daddy and his bio dad as dad (sometimes) he knows that one helped create him and one helped shape him.
Tell her, I found out my dad wasn’t my biological dad at 10, I think it’s best to be honest. Just refer to him as her biological daddy. As she gets older she will naturally ask questions and understand. I think honesty is the best policy personally x
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She is to young to understand right now.
I told my daughter when she was 7. I explained that mommy had a friend who helped me make her, but didn’t want to be a daddy. Then (my now husband) liked me and really wanted to be a daddy to her, so we built a life together and while he may not have helped me make her, he loves her to the ends of the world just like a daddy is supposed to.
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I have a step dad who raised me they told me to young… my mom"didnt know" who he was … many lies… i kept thinking every man is my bio…my advice is be honest if she gets questions or about 12. Tslk about how he loves her and other stepped out… and youll support her
Jokes on her. I found my moms aunts bf… my dad … haha i dont even need a name because ancestry. 
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He is the “real” father though. He’s her dad. Bio dad isn’t Jack shit. Tell her sooner rather than later. Tell her that he chose to be her daddy and that’s extra special.
Tell her now that’s her reality and she will never think she was lied to and she will know who she is
Introduce it early and over time more questions will come up and answer to the best of your ability. Waiting doesn’t hurt anyone but the child.
That another man put her in your belly but your boyfriend is her daddy because he was allways there and he loves her unconditionally. Don’t name the other one daddy, he s not a father.
When I was younger I knew the man I now call dad wasn’t my “real” dad…however I eventually forgot up until I was about 9 or 10…maybe even older. To be honest, I don’t know if I truly forgot and it was just that he was there…or what.
I am in the same situation completely! My daughter is also 4 and the guy she calls her father has known her since she turned 2 but is not her biological father and her real dad is a dead beat. And I have no idea how to handle it either. Nice to know I’m not the only one lol
I’m somewhat in this same predicament. My daughter is 2. She is my 3rd child. The father of my first 2 (we’re separated, but married still) decided he wanted to be my last’s daddy while I was pregnant because the bio dad wanted nothing to do with her. She loves her daddy and her daddy loves her. He sisters know the truth. I’m thinking of telling her when she’s about 6.
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I was 7 when my parents told me. I had my bio dads last name so woth school it started to get tricky for them. I think it was a good age. I think you will know when she is ready. There is no magic age. Younger is better for sure but you know your kid best. All I can say is support her if she ever wishes to reach out to him, never talk down about him and answer any questions she may have honestly but of course age appropriately. Honest and piles of love 
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I’ve been going through this with my daughter(14 now) never met her bio dad but around 5 or 6 she started asking questions I was honest with her and told her enough of what she would understand and kept up the honesty she knows the basics about him and that he never wanted children and right now she doesnt want to meet him but knows that if she does she can when she is older
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My mom told me when I was younger that my bio dad didn’t want me and left us, bc of the way she said it I have the insecurity that I’m never gna be good enough, that nobody will ever stay n love me… be honest but choose your words wisely, the sooner the better, but watch how u say it!
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A dad is the man who raised her and loves her…the sperm donor is just that…a sperm donor. My boys asked me about their “father” when they were around 10. I’d wait, and let her have her daddy. Blood isn’t always thicker than water. She’s 4…let her be 4.
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My mom was adopted and her parents told her a bedtime story every night about the day she was adopted. It was never a secret. That may be a good way to let her know, and so it won’t be a secret and as she gets older you can add more to the story. As she gets older be prepared for questions, but be honest. It’ll go along way now, and build trust for the future.
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Be careful how you word it. I would tell her her much her dad wanted to be her father. And word it like Alexandria Weingart’s comment. I would not say much or anything negative about her biological father not wanting kids. I would focus more on how much the man now wanted to be her daddy.
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This is soooooo hard. My son is still very angry at me. He is 28 now. I told him when he was 11. He has a limited relationship with his bio now because his Bio didn’t even try to know him until he was 18 but always refused to give up his parental rights so my son’s Dad could adopt him. It just sucks all the way around. I dont think there is a magic age…
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We recently told my 14 year old soon after his 14th birthday. I wanted him old enough to understand it. He is also old enough to understand his dad is his dad no matter what blood says. And old enough to understand his bio has made never tried to reach out
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Hard to quantify age…old enough to understand the basic info…many questions will come up. Most definitely want to tell her b4 someone else does…I kept putting it off, and then my grandmother told my daughter. I waited way to long, and her bio dad was abusive, so it was hard… tried to “forget” that part of my life. My daughter took it hard, acted out… eventually we realized she was bipolar…not because we weren’t honest, but I think it was a contributing factor for a lot of crap! Maybe make sure her Dad let’s her know he chose her to love!
My mom never knew her real dad was told many awful stories about him. As an adult my aunt decided to find him found out they had 4 sisters and that either he’d made a complete 180 with his life or what they’d grown up hearing wasn’t true. My recommendation would be to say he helped make you but yes but your dad choose to love and raise you. Don’t speak negative of bio keep it simple if she ask more when older then can go into more detail. I’d also say don’t wait until a teen or you g adult because this is the time you’re trying to find yourself and if you suddenly got told something like that at least for me would be really hard because suddenly everything you think you know is no longer true.
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I was adopted at birth, and my parents told me I was a " chosen" baby - chosen by God to be their child because they could not have babies normally.
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The older the child, the harder they will take it and easier to have someone accidentally tell the child. This will be confusing and hurtful. The child can rebellion and not trust you. It will rock her whole world? She won’t know who she is. I was adopted at birth and I have always known, thus it was never a big deal to me. My parents told me they picked me and how lucky they were to be my parents. Tell the truth sooner then later. He Dad will always be her dad. Her birth dad is just someone else. Hope this helps.
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Shes 4. She doesnt know any better at 4. And personally, unless her current “dad” has a issue with it, I wouldn’t break my neck to tell her til she was old enough to UNDERSTAND it.
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I told my daughter when she was 6. My situation was complicated in the fact that my husband was my boyfriend in high school for 3 years. We broke up for a year, I got pregnant, and we got back together when I was only a couple months pregnant. Her bio father “wanted” to be around however never made the effort. He showed back up when she was 6 so I decided it was time to break the news. I just sat her down and told her that a long time ago mommy had a boyfriend and we made her but he wasn’t ready to do what daddy’s do. Like being there every day, going to work and taking care of his family. She accepted that at the time and we moved on. Ever since, she is almost 18, she has asked questions here and there. Mostly about extended family not really much about him. She has met his brother and has contact with his wife on facebook. She has siblings and wants to meet them someday. He has gotten his life together and is doing really well but doesn’t put in any effort to know her. I am also friends with his wife on Facebook and we have a good relationship. I think just being honest and giving her enough to satisfy the appetite is good. But don’t wait too long. The preteen years are hell without secrets, so if she finds out anytime from like 11 to 18, it might go really bad. Good luck
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I would say to do it as soon as possible. I think you’d be surprised what four year olds understand. Explain it well to her and let her know that the dad she knows doesn’t love her any less. The older they get, the harder that kind of news will be.
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I would def make sure to use the term biological instead of “real” bc your fiancée IS the “real” dad in this equation since he stepping up and taking care of your daughter as his own.
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Teaching about how all families are made differently is a great place to open conversation. Age 4 is a great age to introduce the conversation before entering kindergarten where they will meet children of all different family constellations. Once she understands that all of these differences “normal,” it will be much easier to explain. Honesty doesn’t allow for future resentment.
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I know that your fiance is not her adopted father… but when we adopted my sister we had an anniversary for her every year… or her gotcha day… and she grew up knowing that that was the day she was adopted so she grew up knowing… maybe you could start and anniversary day for your daughter as the day your fiance choose to be her daddy… then every year she would have her own special day and her and your fiance could have the day together to celebrate that choice…
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Start now . From my experience my mother never told me . It was said to me it’s much better for her to know at an early stage not to feel grief .
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My son was two years and a half years old when he came home from creche one day, and they’d been learning about families…
He wanted to know “where’s my Daddy, because his friends have daddies”
So I explained that when he was very little, his Daddy and I decided that we need to live in seperate homes and now he has his own family and he (my son) and I are a family. So he lives in a different house, but what’s important to remember is that he has me, my Mom, my Dad, my sisters and brothers and all his cousins and that’s such a huge amount of love (I was very animated stretching my arms out trying to show immeasurable love) , and it’s all for him. So even if his Daddy isn’t around, he should know that he has so much love all around him. I promised him that if when he is older he wants to meet him, then he can…
So he and his Dad used to send each other voice notes…
I stopped it though when his Dad kept promising he would visit and then never did, so my son would stand at the front window and every car that passed, he would say “is that Daddy?” after coming home to that a couple of times in one week, I put my son on my lap, and I explained that we’re not going to stand around and wait for Daddy to visit… That we need to let it be a surprise, so thst if it happens, it’s a good, happy surprise but if it doesn’t happen, then that’s ok too because we were nto standing at teh window and waiting. He understood.
He is 7 years old now…
Still voicenotes his Dad from time to time, calls him by his first name now, doesn’t call him Daddy anymore (which he decided on himself), he loves his Dad… Even though his Dad only held him once, when he was 2 months old, and he hasn’t seen him since, so I allow him to speak to his Dad when he wants to, but I always remind him how much love he has from all of us, and I name each of us, and I tell him what everyone’s favorite thing is about him… This has worked since he was 2 and a half years old.
Maybe try to explain it to your little girl slowly… In parts, but reinforce how much she is loved. Good luck Mamma it’s not an easy conversion but you’ll get through it 