My family adopted a little girl at birth. The mother was a drug addict at the time my uncle and aunt we’re trying to have a baby but couldn’t it for medical reasons. My uncle worked with the woman and said he would take care of her baby. Shortly after birth the birth mother ended up over dosing.  For whatever reason my family didn’t tell her she was adopted until she was 13 and she was so  mad at everyone for lying to her, her whole life. She did end up kind of going down the wrong path for a little bit . She definitely rebelled. I think it’s best to tell them now, so they can grow up knowing the truth. My little cousin is turning 20 soon, and she still has so many questions now she contacted her birth family because she wants to know where she came from.  They deserve to know.

Exact same situation and my daughter is 12 and I just recently told her. I just explained to her I wanted to wait until she was old enough to understand and I explained everything in a way she could understand.
Definitely asap. This can’t be a surprise on him one day.
Tell him while he’s still young because the older he gets, it may cause resentment and anger towards you for keeping that from him.
Imo this is something that should always be discussed. My little sister is adopted and she’s 13 now. She’s always known she was adopted, so it’s never been a big deal. Waiting until a kid is older just completely upends their whole sense of self and reality and makes them feel lied to. I’d speak with a therapist about this and consider putting him in therapy for awhile to help him process this… it’s going to be a lot to take in
I would tell him soon before he finds out from someone else like my daughter did
Now today, this is something a child needs to now, my little boy was 18 months old and I’m dripp fed him information, he is very aware that sperm donor wanted nothing to do with him and that step daddy wanted to be his daddy, if u lie for them for to long long they will resent u for all xx
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The longer you wait, the more betrayed he will feel and the harder it will be.
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I think it’s easiest if it’s just a known fact right from the beginning but I’d definitely tell him now- don’t wait any longer
Honestly you should have told him by now. I’d do it sooner rather than later because as he gets older and more opinionated it could blow up in your face and really hurt his feelings xxxx
I would tell him when he is 10 my son has grown up allot between the age of 9 to 10
When your ready to tell him try to make sure he’s got a few days off school and no big commitments to attend … maybe on a weekend? but with the option to see some friends… he will need time to process it . Also be kind and gentle with the topic… answer questions he will have be supportive… it will be a lot for him to process
I’m adopted and was told about it right away and it was always discussed so it wasn’t a big deal. I feel this is something he should kno about asap don’t make it a guilt story or anything like that as he could put the blame
On himself , sounds like he has an amazing father so make it as positive as possible
Don’t tell him anything if your husband is his dad then it’s his dad. If you tell him your son will never listen to him or respect him never again. My brother went through the same thing and now his son won’t listen to him at all. It’s better to wait till their older or never do. Just wait till he’s mentally old enough to understand fully. This can mess with his head and throw him off badly. Your husband has taken full responsibility as his father then he should still have the respect of being his father don’t take anything away from him after all these years of him being a true father
Now. Kids typically know even if they don’t mention it or say it. Make it a positive thing without making it about the “sperm donor”. Be prepared for questions, but answer them in an age appropriate manner.
Personally seeing this throughout my life with friends and family, the younger the better. Their minds are still innocent and they seem to grasp and accept the concept more acceptingly. The older they are it seems like they start that “you’re not my real” and “I want to find them and know for myself” mindset. Young ones don’t think of it as being lied to and their mind doesn’t tend to be spiteful about it. The older they are the more they question feeling betrayed and deceived, etc.
I was 9 when my mom told me bc she thought I “figured it out”. I didn’t was too young.
It depends on the lengths you’ve gone to keep it from him thus far.
Tell him now. I didn’t know about my girl father till I was like 14/15 and I had a very hard time accepting it. Think about how to tell him and let him ask any questions answer them truthfully but let him know he is very loved by you and your husband and nothing will ever change that
It’s so weird to me that people lie to their kids like that.
You tell him the truth now. I would be pissed if my mom did this to me or I had to find out on my own. Tell him 
people like you are pieces of s— he has a right to know about his real father. Stop being a piece of s---- and lieing to your child
I was told when I was 7 and never the same after that … very mad he told me and wish he wouldn’t have told me and just played the role so i wouldn’t have been heart broken wondering …found my real dad and he still wants nothing to do with me and called me a liar 
Tell him asap but I would also be sure to have therapy resources available as well
Yes I would tell him. Children should know where and who they come from. I would explain the relationship between you and his father didn’t work out and he did not want to be present. I would also explain that it’s not his fault and that your husband loves him and chose to be his Dad. Under no circumstances should you bash his biological father. He will probably want to know who he is and may want to meet him if possible.
It’s a conversation that can make a child feel abandoned, confused, not good enough, and rejected.
And at some point, that child is going to want more answers. They will likely want to seek out their biological father at some point before they’re an adult. Are you prepared for that?
Also, if you plan to have more children with the bonus father, how will that make your child feel? Jealous? Left out? It’s not nice feeling like you don’t quite fit into your own family.
There’s ALOT to consider here. Sharing the same last name is the least of your worries.
Telling a child something huge like this, WILL have long term effects on their emotional development. Make damn sure you know what you’re doing before you blow up their little world. Making sure they are emotionally mature enough to handle the news is a must, in my opinion.
I do like the idea of having bonus dad ask the child if he can adopt him and legally become his dad. That would’ve been huge for me, personally. I still bug my dad (the only dad I’ve ever known) to adopt me. I’m 39. 
Trust me. This news is something that sticks with you forever.
Make sure he understands that his dad loves him unconditionally (the dad who raised him 
)
I’ve told my daughter since she was probably about 6 when she could understand her “dad” has been in her life since she was 2 and she’s 10 now and she has no issues she understands the whole situation and she’s okay with it has no interest in her bio dad what so ever sometimes she asks questions here which I’m 100 percent open to telling her about and what I know and not in a negative way either
tell him now… do not wait the longer you wait the biggger the deal
Wait until he asks you about it. No matter what, don’t bad talk the dad. Tell him things just didn’t work out and that’s just life sometimes. But I’d definitely say don’t bring it up to your child, 9 is too young for that conversation.
he’s 9. he should have already been told. Secrets like this can be devastating and even more so the longer they continue. finding out the dad who raised him isn’t his bio dad shouldn’t change their relationship and he has an absolute right to know.
I feel he should have been told already. But honestly I think you should consult with a counselor to get opinions on when you should and how now that he is 9.
Same situation here and I told my son when he was 7. He is 8 now and is adjusted just fine. While they are young they are so easily distracted that it helps them not hyper focus. Over time they accept it and move on. We explained it while discussing biology so he understands his dad is his dad and his bio dad is where his genetics come from. I’m worried about him getting older and wanting to meet his bio-dad and being rejected or something.
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Maybe a conversation with a child psychologist or family therapist could help you figure out hoe to handle this.
I would not tell him now, I would see it as selfish to unburden myself onto a 9 year old who loves his Dad. No reason at 9 years old, the bio father isn’t around and the kid and Dad are happy so why mess that up as he’s entering puberty? I answer questions as they are asked, since you didn’t have this out in the open that makes it trickier but telling him now would be heartbreaking… I wouldn’t. I’d wait for him to be mature so he can fully understand how little it actually affects his Dad’s love for him. Telling him now would darken the rest of his childhood.
Tell him! Don’t wait. My son’s father was killed when he was 3 months old and I didn’t tell him about his dad until he was 9. I regret not telling him from the start. Be careful what you say. I would not tell the child that he wasn’t wanted by his dad because that’s only gonna make him feel bad about himself… I would tell him you have a father that wasn’t ready to be a dad and thats why hes not in the picture and go from there.
Dhar Mann has an adoption video along with other YouTubers…he is just our favorite. Maybe start watching his positive and motivational content, asking what if questions afterwards or do you know someone questions. After a couple of weeks watch an adoption video. The 2 part mini movie is a good one.
I think for medical reasons people should know they do or do not share DNA. Don’t forget to let him know some families start differently. Your family started with you and him, then Daddy chose us or our family started with us then we chose Daddy. But if Daddy chose it’ll help him to feel more loved and secure than the other.
My mom told me at 8 about my step dad being the one to “step up” I was thankful she told me. I had many questions by that age as to why I looked nothing like him, why I didn’t have his last name and why his other daughter looked so different from me.
I was thankful to know the truth as I felt confused and left out. My step dad and I have a bond better than ever.
My bio father still refuses to even talk to me after doing the DNA test…
I’m 23 with my own baby now 
I always knew the men my mother was with were not my biological father. My brothers dad raised me and he is a good father but I always wondered about my bio dad because I look nothing like my mother. I finally found him when I was 26 and we have a good relationship but at the end of the day my brothers bio dad is my father. I would personally wait until you think your child can handle a big emotional shock, cause that’s what it feels like when you find out the person you trust the most in the world has lied to you about something so big.
You haven’t told him yet? Holy s***. Ok well now you’ve waited too long and he’s gonna need therapy
He should’ve been told already
My daughter knew since about the age of 5 because of the last names
I have a son who is 5 that has never known his biological dad. If he has been calling your partner dad this whole time instead of his name that would probably be very confusing for him.
Never talk badly about his biological father. If he has been calling your partner Dad then it might be traumatic but ensure u have resources in place and counselling if he needs it. I wish you the best
As someone who didn’t get told till the age of 12 that my parents weren’t my biological parents, it has caused a lot of emotional and childhood trauma that is really hard to get past even after seeing a therapist. Obviously none of us here are gonna be able to tell you what you should or should not do, but I can tell you one thing, if you do decide to tell him, I’d do it now and get a therapist as soon as possible. So that way he can handle it sooner and not have time to overreact everything. I would personally not wait any longer.
I agree, you should tell him. I’ve seen parents who don’t, until the children are 18, things didn’t work out. Resentment…
Should have been done already so tell him now.
Tell him the truth because he’s going to find out later when his real dead beat daddy decides to show up and start something. Tell him this dad is better he was God sent
I’m in the same boat my son also 9 almost 10 but I do believe I will wait until he’s older an starts to ask questions his self right now marriage an everything is still yuck to him so I’d rather not mess his mind up now when he is perfectly fine I just don’t want to mess his emotions up so early when he’s still a carefree kid.
When he’s an adult, unless something medically comes up.
I’m probably going to offer an unpopular opinion here …
If you haven’t told him yet, I would wait until he’s an adult. Let me tell you why …
Your husband has been the only father he has known. He is his dad, as far as he & your husband are concerned. At this age, it won’t be long before your child enters his teen years, and this type of news could destroy his trust and his relationship with the only father he has ever known. He’s not at an age where he can fully understand all the circumstances. If “sperm donor” is not a part of his life … has never been and doesn’t want to be in the future, then why compromise the relationship that your child & husband have?
Yes, your child will need to know … but take into consideration how this information will affect him when you choose “the right time” to tell him. I don’t see how it can serve a positive purpose to tell him at his current age.
This is very similar to telling a child about being adopted. If they don’t know from day one, the “right time” to tell them is debatable.
Now with a therapist!
Don’t keep it from him. I was 18 when I found out the man who raised me wasn’t my father. Took me til I was 26 to find my father. The hurt the came with being lied to is awful.
I have a son that isnt my husbands and the biological dad didn’t want anything to do with him either.
I talked to my therapist about when I should tell them and he said between the ages 8-9. Their brains are more developed but not to the point of when they hit puberty their hormones are all over the place.
Everyone has different opinions but I would definitely talk to a therapist before you do because it can help you be more prepared for all sorts of questions and scenarios.
The sooner the better, speaking from experience as my sperm donor killed himself when I was one and my dad the man I still consider my real dad and my mom sat me down when I was 6 and told me I said ok but never changed how I feel about my daddy.
Wouldn’t consider using the term “real dad” because your husband is the real dad.
It may be an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn’t. His dad is there, with him every day. Unless there is a medical reason that he needs to know, I wouldn’t confuse him.
If your husband has been dad, I would suggest trying to track down his donor and having him sign his parental rights away. Have your husband legally adopt, then you’re not lying or hiding anything.
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I’d wait till he’s in his older teens so he can fully grasp that dad IS present. Dad like the word mom is earned.
I would wait until probably 12 or so…he should know BUT as an adult who kinda forgot my dad is not my bio father till about 20. It didn’t make a difference to me…he’s the one who showed up! And chose to love me
This same thing happened with my son. He married a girl who had a baby. They didn’t tell her son that my son wasn’t his bio dad. They would attend our family reunions and finally one year, the boy asked why he didn’t look like any of his relatives. He was almost a teenager when they finally told him. I think it’d be better if he’d been told alot sooner.
I wasn’t told until I was 13 and I found out from my doctor, not from my family and I was extremely pissed for years!! Sooner the better and from you and your husband!
Already should have. Now is the time
Should’ve been told the entire time
He’s around the age you should start coving sex ed so just explain that he has a “bio” dad that made him and a REAL dad that is raising him
I was abandoned by my dad at a very young age but never had another man step up so your son is truly blessed to have someone to call dad:heart: You should let him know when you feel he’s ready and can understand. Be ready for a lot of questions 
Tell him right away - Better that he knows right away rather than getting the shock of his life later on …
Leave them alone until he needs to know
I would tell him sooner, rather than later before someone else does. Personal experience, I found out from a “friend”who was mad at me at the time when I was 15…. That hurts worse than hearing it from a parent. Nothing hurts worse than knowing someone who created you didn’t want you, but it’s better to hear that from someone who did want you and loves you. Just reiterate that you and your husband love him always and that your husband is still his dad no matter what and he isn’t going anywhere. There will be lots of questions, I’m sure, to comprehend the news, so patience is a must to answer them. I am one of the lucky ones to have a dad who was there for me since birth and to this day is there for me, but it doesn’t lessen the blow. But knowing I was stilled loved by another man and recognized as his own, that really helps at the end of it all. I had a feeling ever since I was young and also had a different name than the rest of my family until I was around 10 years old but it doesn’t make it easier to hear and doesn’t make trusting easier after years of not 100% knowledge
I told my son on his 10th birthday and he told me he already knew lol I asked how and he said because he looks and acts nothing like his “dad” lol
Kids are a lot smarter than you might think and depending on the child, has probably already figured it out by now. Or he will figure it out sooner than later.
You need to tell him now.
I think it’s better to start talking about it at 6 or 7 years of age. Let them grow up knowing what happened and that his dad is his dad no matter who the biological dad is and it will be easier for the child or children.
Tell him now, but remember he’s only 9 - be age appropriate about it. I didn’t grow up with my dad either, and to make a long story short, he was a terrible person who’s issues were not appropriate for a child to hear, and I thank my mom for not telling me until I was older, as I wouldn’t of understood. So what you tell him will depend on how you feel, and what you feel is right to tell him
For example, if dad is a drug dealer and that’s why hes not there, you wouldn’t tell a child that, imo. You’d tell him “He can’t be with us because he did something bad, and I will be able to tell you when you are older, as it’s not appropriate for your age”
Be open to any questions as well, and do not shut him down if he does come up with some! Some might be a little hard to answer, and that’s okay! I too had questions as a child regarding my father, my mom told me some parts, but I had to accept that some things I wouldn’t know until I was older - I didn’t know why at the time, but I do now, and again, I’m thankful for my mom not going into detail when I was younger
I have a similar situation… my son is 9 and doesn’t know anything about his donor. My husband, his dad came into his life when he was 1. The way I explain it now so he isnt caught off guard… is some boys got a dad at birth and you got your a little later. So at first it was just you, me and your sister then dad came along. When he ask about how he came to be prior to dad, I say it’s kinda complicated but that he grew you in my tummy and that when he gets older I would explain it better.
He should have been told from the beginning. It’s inevitable he will find out and he’s going to resent you more the longer you wait.
He’s 9. It’s been overdue
I told my daughter when she was 6 so that there wouldn’t be any surprises or a sense of betrayal. She took it fine and has hardly had any questions to ask because she knows that the person being her dad is her dad. I dont talk badly about the bio i just said that it didnt work out and that he chose to do other things. And that real family puts you first. Her dad came into the picture around 1 years old and we’ve had no problems. Shes 12 now and if I had waited and she found out she would be a lot more confused and emotional about it. Not sure why all of these people would keep it from their kids unless he was a really bad person or sick in the head maybe. She understands and has friends who have adopted dads too and its no big deal. My dad didnt tell me about other siblings that I had until I was 20 and it was just weird like hes telling me at a distance and kind of made me feel like an idiot or unimportant at that point. Like I never had a full mental grasp on the whole picture of things and always knew some things were not normal or were off. I wish I wouldve been told so that my feelings were more validated and my perspective had made more sense. Not just all of these things hidden from me, me sensing that, and not knowing how to feel about it year after year. And always having that distance in our relationship and being kept in the dark about things. Its not just about that but many other things that were double-life like. I dont want to treat my daughter like an idiot or like i dont trust her to understand. It would be messed up to make her believe she is blood related to my husbands family when she is not. Convos about traits and genetics have come up and I didnt have to lie about it. Not covering and lying over something that isn’t a big deal. Give him the tools to understand, mature, and to trust you.
I would tell him right away.
Should have told him long before now just saying if you were gonna say it you should have said it before now
The best time to tell him was as soon as he could talk. The next best time is now. And don’t use the term “real.” Or “dad.” He’s neither. Use “genetic”, and “parent”
Should of told him from day 1
Don’t repeat what my mom did, she never told my “my dad” was not my birth dad. I was 11 and figured it out on my own by the dates of their marriage and the date of my birth. I was so hurt and it bothered me for years that they lied to me.
No one told me my father wasn’t my dad until he died. I was 18. Horrible feeling… Tell him as soon as possible.
I’d say something along the lines of …
You know such n such wasn’t always your daddy. You had a daddy before him, that helped mommy make you. And if he asks where is he, tell him. Tell him the state or city. If he asks who he is, tell him. Just try to be as open and honest as possible, obviously in a suitable manner due to him being so young and not needing all the details just yet.
I was adopted I wanted to my bio mom and let me tell u I wish I would have not. After meeting my bio mom I never wanted to look for my dad because my parents are my parents and my bio parents are just bio
No need to. At this age, It would be difficult for him to understand. When the time is right, you’ll know.
We told our kids when we felt they were old enough to understand how much they are loved by their “dad” because he stepped up. We did not want to tell them to young when they were too immature and turn around and ever say to him well your not my real dad. They love their dad even more today than they did before because they know he stepped up and stepped in when he didn’t have to. We also explained to them why we waited to tell them and they understood.
my daughter is 7 and she knew from about 3-4 that her dad isn’t her biological dad, he has been there literally since the moment she was born… and we have had the conversation that family isn’t always blood and blood isn’t always family… I would start talking to him about it right away so he isn’t caught off guard by it down the line… kids are resilient and thry know who loves them regardless of dna.
What is the reason to tell him at all? Then the kid will have thoughts in his head that his dad didn’t even want him. Slippery slope!! I wouldn’t tell him unless it was for health reasons.
Dna doesn’t make a dad. Time and effort does. Let him be his dad don’t ruin it for him at this young age
The sooner the better.
Hopefully he’s mature enough now to understand the gravity of what you are sharing.
Blessings
I told my daughter at 4 cuz I knew she would understand. I didn’t want to wait until she was older for I was afraid of the resentment and anything else bad that could come out of waiting. I told her everything she needed to know about her bio dad. But I still didn’t put him down either. I just told her he wasn’t as ready as I was. And when she got older she is 26 now. She realized on her own what crap he was. Cuz we found him when she was 14. Snd he didn’t really care then either.
Anyone saying not to tell him is giving SHITTY advice. Dont listen to them. You need to tell him NOW. Lying to him will only hurt him and cause mistrust with you and his father. Simply tell him the truth. That he has a biological father out there who helped created him but his father, the one who’s raising him, is his dad.
I was adopted at 2 months old. I basically knew my whole life. (my adoptive mom made it REAL clear I was adopted even introduced me as her “adopted daughter” from the moment she got me.
I would say you know your child. You know how sensitive and mature he is. The big question is knowing him how do you think he’d take it? 9 he is able to understand a bit. If you DO decide to do it have a sit down with him and just state facts. Let him know “Dad” is still his “Dad” and loves him dearly but he has a biological father who has never been there but you figured he should know the truth. Then let him ask any questions he may have and just answer honestly whatever you can.
Tell him now if you don’t he’ll resent you forever.
When? Shouldn’t have been a secret from day one…if it was you, would you like being lied to? You expect kids to always tell the truth, yet parent can’t even tell the truth…sorry but no excuse…just my opinion.
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