My son is 9, my husband, his “dad” has been in his life since he was 2 months old. His sperm donor wanted nothing to do with him so he’s never been around. I just want to know, when would you tell your child? I really would like to tell him sooner than later, but I’m unsure! Help please
Leave it until he questions it
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As soon as possible - or he may well end up feeling you’ve lied to him is entire life and resent the pair of you.
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Whenever you feel your ready and his old enough to understand,
Depends on how mature he is. Tell him if he asks. But probably best tell him if he is mature enough to handle it.
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9 is a good age to start the conversation but you and your husband should both be in the conversation together. You don’t have to tell him unless he asks but you also wouldn’t want him to find out on his own. It is a sensitive topic but mama knows best and trust your gut. Make sure you are open ans honest and you give him as much time as he needs to process all the information If you decied to tell him.
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As soon as you can. I’ve done it with my 9 year old she had a few questions but barely talks of her Sperm donor she knows someone put her in my belly who is her biological dad but her Daddy chose to be her Daddy. She knew at a young age but last year we spoke about it properly at 8.
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I’d let him know now. If you don’t and he finds out later, he may be resentful
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The sooner the better… if they grow up always knowing, then there’s never a shock moment or time where they felt as if they were living a lie.
I met my hubby when my son was 10 months old. He’s always known that my husband is legally his step-father, but emotionally his physically his father. No confusion
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My brother grew up thinking my dad was his dad he was told in yr 12 that our dad was not his n his life went down hill from there… Just speaking from happen to my brother I think U should tell him when his younger… My brother is now dead…
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You should have told him already.
Years ago, my aunt adopted two children.
It was common knowledge.
My cousins always knew they were adopted.
No big surprises. Just fact.
This will be a shock and confusing now.
Talk to a therapist immediately.
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I made this mistake. Please don’t. Not until he’s much older.
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In my honest opinion, going through the exact situation… my daughter is ten and her father stepped out when I was ten weeks pregnant. My husband came into her life when she was 2 1/2 months old. She found out around six years old. So anyway, In my opinion, your kiddo should have already known, even how confusing it might be at a young age they will have a clearer understanding growing up knowing it. With your kiddo being nine, you might want to consider doing it as soon as possible. Weather the father is around or not. My daughters father wasn’t in her life when she found out, you just gotta stay strong for those questions, but be honest.
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Your husband IS his dad. What is there to tell ?
If he ever questions it when he is older, sit him down with your husband and have the chat. lots of reassurance, lots of love and support. Make sure he knows your husband stepped up because he WANTED to be his father. He loves him that much he wouldn’t have it any other way. But your husband raised that boy, it doesn’t matter about biology, he is his father !
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That’s news you don’t want him to find out from any other source; I’d start that conversation with him soon. If this is the only dad he’s known, I’d be as gentle and positive as possible… something like “before your dad was your dad, you had a father”. Definitely stay away from phrases like “he’s not actually your dad” because that could cause some hurt and confusion. That relationship is every bit as valid as it would be if they were biologically related, and he needs to be reassured of that.
I’ve known people in your son’s situation. The two I know who didn’t find out til they were teenagers…didn’t handle it well. One of them still doesn’t have a relationship with his parents, several years later.
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I would tell him something that is true, but not all of the details, tell him you will tell him the rest when he is older. But for now what he needs to know is that he isn’t around.
The sooner the better, kids can accept the truth, but adults never accept a lie
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You tell him or a family member will surely tell him maybe not now but surely later. A lie never lives forever.
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Similiar situation, we told my son at 7ish when he started asking questions. (He knew my husband wasn’t his dad but didn’t know details about anything) he was fairly mature for his age so we just answered everything he asked honestly. He’s 9 now
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It’s the whole gaslighting of “if someone doesn’t know I’m lying to them, then it’s not wrong of me to lie to them”
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My first question would be is he on his birth certificate? My cousin was adopted by another family member and she found out when she was younger but not by her adoptive mom or dad she found out by my other cousins who would be her real siblings she never questioned it but knew and at 16 only she was ready to get her driving permit and her birth certificate stated her real mom and dad it was never changed and was finally told them by her adopted mom and she was devastated even tho she already knew and she still til this day is mad at her adoptive parents for not actually telling her sooner she’s now 27 so even 10 years she’s still hurt about not knowing sooner but if he’s not on highway mmmm the birth certificate I would do it sooner rather than later even if he don’t quite understand yet he will still know and hear from you first but do it when your ready because you don’t want him hurt/mad at you for not at least mentioning it sooner……! Good luck mama
I think it depends on your kid. I recommend maybe talking about this in a family therapy session, it’s a very sensitive topic.
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I asked my son who is 10 what he would rather. He said he wouldn’t want to know about the bio dad if the bio dad didn’t originally want anything to do with him to begin with but if that wasn’t the case he would like to get to know his bio dad. If that wasn’t the case though and the bio dad originally didn’t want anything to do with him, he said quote “why would I want to know someone who didn’t want to know me”
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Didn’t tell my kid.
He found out on his on when he was 15…had some questions but wasn’t mad….at all….he’s 19 now, a great kid- doesn’t give 2 shi+s about his sperm donor who never cared about him.
It doesn’t seem to bother him. He has plenty of people that love him. That’s enough, I think.
I wouldn’t tell him until he’s older and can understand why his SD is a POS
My daughter always knew. I know from a friend how her world crushed when she heard it later in life so we always Made sure she knew her dad is her dad but there is someone elze who ‘mom Made her with’ because mom and dad didnt know eachochter untill she was born. She is 12 now and idolates her dad and zero interest in ‘biological donor’ as I call him cuz she has one dad.
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Is there really a need to tell your child
His dad isn’t actually his dad
As the sperm donor
Obviously isn’t interested
In his child
Oh him if youre gonna tell him about “the sperm donor” just avoid the topic all together because thats a bad topic for you as well 
I disagree with a lot of these comments. He’s a happy child, let him be. Wait till he is mature enough to process and understand. Like when he gets married and settles down. When you’ve given him the childhood he deserves. When you have already given him all the tools to be successful. When he becomes successful. You tell him then. From there it will be his story to tell.
If you told him from the beginning thats one thing. But he’s 9 and about to be a teenager. It will destroy him. Atleast, let him be happy… allow him to grow. You tell him when he is much much older. He will understand it then.
Just please… let the child be a child.
Never tell a kid someone wants nothing to do with them. Ever. Be his parents and just love him as he is.
If there is no earthquake…don’t try to create one. You will be left on the other side. Leave it alone.
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Your husband is his real dad , he is the one that has always been there for him , tell him in a simple way that his dad will always be his dad and that he was fathered by someone else who chose not to be in his life .
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9 is when my daughter was told. But I was pregnant and she asked me one day if she kicked me that hard and I sat her down and told her that I didn’t carry her in my belly, that someone else did for me. Later on when she was almost 18 we told her the name of her birth mother and let her decide if she wanted to contact her. She hasn’t yet at 19. I pray about it a lot.
Advice… Let dad tell him when he feels the time is right. It’s different with moms then dad’s. Depends on the circumstances. Why tell him at this age is it’s not necessary? Boys at 9 are going through a lot already in their minds and bodies. I would leave it be. Your husband is his dad. I would leave it alone for now for sure
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Tell him when u think he can fully understand and when he can cope … in my opinion 9 is too young… I think he would be confused and start to think why the sperm donor didn’t want him… I think leave it until he can fully understand…
My son is9and same thing hes known for years the man that helped make him is hia father but dad is your dad hes ok with this and ive told him ask me anything any time
Tell him now. Don’t wait until he gets older. He is old enough to understand. My brother wasn’t told until he was 18 and he hated my mom and dad for it. We grew up with his brothers as friends and he didn’t even know it. My son was told since he was about 6,7 years old. We explain to him and tell him if he wants to know anything about him, I’ll tell him but it’s his choice. He doesn’t even have any curiosity about his speed donor. He loves his dad who has been in his life since the day he was born.
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I found out my dad wasn’t my dad when I was 11. I was totally heartbroken 
but I didn’t understand why until I was older. From experience I almost wished my mom had waited until I was older and understood the situation more but today I also have both dad’s in my life and love them both dearly 
my bio wasn’t in a good condition when I came along but years have changed him. Love both of my daddies 
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Should be honest from day one in my opinion
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Should’ve always knew. Just as an adoptee they should always know those true story from the beginning. He needs to know. So tell him in an age appropriate way.
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My sister didn’t tell my niece about it but her step dad slip up one time while drinking and she was very upset but hes been in her life since 10 months old cause her real dad left my sister while pregnant
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He should already know.
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Making a child doesn’t make you a dad. Raising one does, so he has a father. This world is tough already, why make it worse for your child if it isn’t necessary?
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My daughter is almost 10, and was 1 when he stepped up. I have always told her the truth from the start. The older she got the more reason I gave her about her bio dad, as she was old enough to understand. But she has always known he isn’t her bio dad but does all the dad things with her. And its her choice on what she calls him.
I’d definitely tell him sooner then later, be prepared for questions and I’m sure he may be upset too. You don’t want him finding out from elsewhere.
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Depending on how mature he is to understand and assimilate it .
In my opinion 9 is a good age to talk about something like this, you do not have to go into much details , keep it simple.
You can tell him something like ( his bio dad wasn’t ready to be a dad ) but that your husband was
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Tell him sooner than later … it will hurt a lot more later
The truth. Lying Ia ignorant
I’d tell him before someone else does. I had a neighbor who knew his (non-bio) dad all his life. Long story short his biological father found him & told him. It wrecked him. He kept saying his parents lied to him. I told him no your parents didn’t lie to you. They’re both your parents. Your dad is who made sure you were fed, had medical attention, learn to ride a bike etc. Love is biological. That’s what you need to tell your son. His dad IS his dad. They just aren’t biologically connected.
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My mom took in my aunt’s daughter as her own from the hospital. she’s now 10 just the other day she saw a baby pic of herself with her hospital bracelet and asked my mom if she was adopted and my mom explained my aunt had her for her bc she wanted another baby and couldn’t have one of her own due to her tubes being tied. she was completely fine with knowing who her birth mom was. she freaked out thinking it was someone random that birthed her, before this she started questioning things bc her other sister also lived with my mom and she was raising her but the youngest one knew her sister had a different mom but knew her as sister so she did start questioning how she’s her sister with different parents…when she saw that bracelet by mistake my mom had no choice but to tell her it’s better that she did now the longer u wait the chance they will resent you if you don’t tell them the truth. By the way her birth mom died last year and she was close with her so it made it a little easier.
Hmn, sed the good thing about when kids are old enough to know that they have a biological father, and they have a step father, who can become “dad” if they have Which is more of an honour than being a sperm donor. Its not a bad thing that donor isnt in their life, because they have a dad who is much better! But you should tell them now, while they are still at an age where you don’t tell them about it. My friend met her current husband when she was pregnant with her second child - a girl, and she had a son who was 2. So they have no memory of her previous husband, who she left because he was abusive. Which is why she didn’t tell them about it until they were teenagers.
I would tell him now
You should’ve already. It’s going to hurt him tho just letting you know. He may lash out he may scream he may cry and those will be normal reactions. I would maybe speak to a child therapist and see how to go about this.
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Why is there even a need for him to know really…
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I found out at 19. Probably for the best as in my teen years my ‘dad’ was strict. It would have been an opening for the 'you’re not my ‘dad’, which would have killed our relationship. At 19, I just laughed and was grateful for his support and love.
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Please stop referring to children’s dads as sperm donors! Yes they may be dead beat, but YOU chose them! By calling them this you are confusing the shit out of your child making them feel bad and dirty if they ever hear you say it or see you write it. Take your madness out, be an adult and tell them the truth, it didn’t work out and I make bad choices! Talk about messing with a kids head. Oh ya you had a “sperm donor” 
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Kinda weird you let it go this long
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I would speak to a therapist as its such a sensitive thing. Thats what i plan to do. I would think 9 is a good age.
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I told my daughter at 10 and she still says she wish I never would have saod anything
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Tell him sooner than later. I know someone who heard it was a possibly of a man not being their bio dad at 25 even though that man raised them and they knew no one else but when she asked, they got upset and beat around the Bush. Then it arose again about 10 years later and she still cant get a straight forward answer. now she wants to secretly get a DNA test. Just tell him. It’s always better
Why are people saying “you should’ve told him” and “weird you let it go this long”, that’s not something that a child of a young age can understand and take in, yes maybe he’s at the age now where he will maybe understand a bit more but what’s to say he isn’t going to be completely distraught?? That’s just a mum looking out for their child’s feelings… would be a different story if the bio father was on the scene, but if the husband has been the dad to that child from so early on then really that child will know himself that he is the dad no matter what… you tell him when you think you and him are ready!
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I would have already told him honestly. The longer you wait the angrier your son could get.
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Now. I was told at 6 and that was too late.
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I’m in this position myself in my case sperm donor wants nothing to do with her but her Dad that is raising her is here everyday supports her everyday is her role model is the one she looks up to . she’s only 3 but she will know the dad who’s showed her what a real dad is for the rest of her life. Maybe when she’s a lot older I can explain about her sperm donor but I don’t also want her to feel like she wasn’t wanted.
To be honest… dead beat doesn’t want anything to do with him. He has a dad already. That’s the dad he knows. Why put that in his head at 9 that his real dad didn’t want him. He has a “real” dad. Your husband. Just leave it at that.
& fuck u to the people giving you a hard time. These people are fucked. You don’t put that in a child’s head especially that young. My 8 yr old is still confused his dad is around but we’re not together. He doesn’t understand why dad can’t come down and hang out. ( he can he’s very welcomed it’s just the trash ho his father is with seems to not like it which it has zero say and baby daddy needs to realize that)
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Now is a food time. Kids are more understanding than we give we give them credit for. Kids always deserve the truth.
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All y’all saying “you shouldn’t have waited this long”, “you should’ve told him already”… That is a serious thing, and may be a lot for him to take in.
I’m in a similar situation. I also have a son who’s sperm donor wanted nothing to do with him, and he only knows my husband as dad. I have struggled with when I should tell him. And it really kinda depends on his maturity. I know he’s 9, but he could still be sensitive. I know my son, he’s 7, is not mature enough at all, for me to talk to him about his “real dad”.
I do want him to know who he came from, and then he can decide what he wants to do with that information. But I’m going to wait to tell him until I feel like he’s able to handle it.
I would talk with a child therapist and see when they would recommend and how they would recommend you telling him and also how to help him transition into knowing incase he acts out about it
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U know your child better then anyone. You know how he is mentally and emotionally. You know if he is mature enough to understand the why’s in the situation. And when you think he is mature enough to UNDERSTAND and not just get mad or upset but actually listen and take it all in and see why you waited, what all went on, and all that. When you can sit down and have a huge heart to heart and lay everything out on the table and be completely honest with him and awnser EVERY SINGLE QUESTION he may have, that’s when you tell him sense he’s now 9. So really only u and your husband can decide when because you know him better then anyone.
And to the ones saying she already should have or now you all have clearly never been in her shoes, most probably don’t even have children and it shows. You don’t know what she feels or the things she worries about happening when she tells him. Some of You all are rediculous
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I think talking to a professional is a good idea. My daughter’s sperm donor never wanted anything to do with her. She’s always known, but up until recently it has affected her very negatively. She’s finally not dwelling on it and starting to do better. Any child will struggle with not being wanted I think regardless of the situation.
I wouldn’t say anything🤷🏼♀️ that’s HIS dad.
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Why tell him at all? The man he knows as dad IS his dad. Why tell your child he was rejected by his sperm donor? Don’t ruin the relationship he has with his dad, the one that has been there for him and loves him as his own. How does telling him about the sperm donor bring any benefit?
I told my daughter when she was pretty young. She is 11 now and we are very open about things. So definitely tell him.
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Should of already been talking about it but I would start now. Just tell him that you met his dad when he was xx years old, and that the guy who helped make him couldn’t be around. I wouldn’t refer to him as his “real dad” because your husband is his real dad, the other guy just helped make him
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If your son wants to know he will ask.
Slightly different situation but I’m adopted and even when I was young I asked where I really came from and my parents told me and had photos ect, made it a lot more digestible to understand (not easier as the feelings of not being wanted and not being good enough always stuck even to this day) but when he is ready he will ask,
and the best way is to as gently and kindly as possible don’t make his biological dad sound like the worst human in the world, keep your feelings and thoughts your own and allow your son to make his own about the situation and make sure he knows you are there to always talk about anything he wants or needs.
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He is 9, He is too young & he hasn’t asked, But then again, why would he if he thinks the man, you are with is his dad, When he is a teenager, or adult & ask or the man that is his real dad or sperm donor comes calling, then tell your son, but leave it be for now
Tell him now. I didn’t find out until 15 and to be honest it shattered my whole world at that age. You should have been honest to begin with.
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I told my son at 4. Even tho theyre little they understand more than you think & the younger they are the more accepting they are. Then when they get older they can come ask you more questions without the initial shock of being hurt.
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I have a 9 year old and we told him last year that I’m not his bio mom. We’ve had him since he was 1 1/2. He asked questions about her and we tell him what he needs to know. He actually came and sat in my lap gave me a big hug and said you will always be my mommy I love you
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Tell him. Find the right time and reassure that his dad couldn’t love him anymore than he already does. The longer you wait, the worse your son could respond.
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My husband didn’t find out until middle school about his dad and he still resents his mom for not telling him sooner. Also, my brother found out about his paternity when my parents divorced. He was in ninth grade. My mom filed for custody of all of the girls but my brother wasn’t on the paperwork. He assumed it was because she didn’t want custody of him and he was really hurt. Turns out she didn’t need to file for him because he wasn’t my dads kid. Neither of these examples are good ways for kids to find out. Talk to your son.
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I’d take the issue to a child therapist and have them help you navigate that.
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From the start. As soon as you can. Or do what you think is best for him. Depending on also if said sperm donor is a good person…don’t wait till adulthood. my child is 13 now with health issues. Her bio signed off rights when she was two…so he wouldn’t have to pay support. My husband has been her dad since two. She knows about bio. Has met him once but nothing is there. But I felt it was important for her to know.
The sooner the better because the longer you wait the worse his reaction could be from you not telling him sooner. He has a right to know. His love for you could turn to hate for not telling him. You technically are living a lie with him.
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Before puberty.
I was told at 14 and my life was shattered. Kids know in their souls when something isn’t adding up and this may still cause a loss of identify crisis.
You need to tell him your real love story.
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Honestly you should have already told him
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Tell him that there are two different definitions of mom/dad. There’s the biological one, the people who create a child and share dna with that child, and that’s important if there’s a medical problem. But the REALLY important definition is the one that says a mom and a dad are the woman and the man who love, protect, and take care of a child. Usually they are the same people as the biological parents, but not always and that’s okay if they’re not because LOVE, not blood, makes a family.
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My daughter knew when she was 5 that my husband at the time was not her bio. I told her about her bio dad. Now she has an older sister so it was kind of easier I said know how sister has a bio dad and then step dad(my husband) I told her he was technically her step too.
I hate the way society puts so much emphasis on the biological parent… Your mother and father are the people that raise you and love you … The sperm donor is not his father … He was never involved in his life … His father is the man that is raising him …
My mom wouldn’t tell me about my dad til I started running away at 13. My boys dad’s refuse to be in their life’s. My oldest kinda knows he’s 9 but also has autism so he doesn’t really get it yet. My 4 year old I will probably tell around 8.
He should have done been told. Do it now and hope that he doesn’t resent you for waiting so long to tell him.
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I’d probably frame it with…you know how there all different kinds of families? Families with 2 moms, families with grandparents raising their grandchildren, adopted families, families with 2 dads or no dads…etc. Well, you come from a very special family too. And go from there. Maybe keep it pretty simple until he has questions of his own. If you seem ok with it, he’ll likely take your cues and not think it’s a big deal.
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I was honest with my daughter as she grew, if your son thinks your husband is his dad you could potentially turn his entire world upside down now, maybe seek some advice from a professional, good luck 
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The sooner the better, don’t wait!
You should have been telling him since day 1… stories about how family has been created can be incorporated into every day. “I remember when your dad came into our life. You were only 2 months old…”
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I guess your son has your maiden name, or his biological father’s last name… either way, different from your now married name. Tell him asap and try to position it from a positive place. Seems your husband has been his only father figure since he has been and infant? Any chance you and your husband plan for your husband to legally adopt him? Ask him if he would mind making his “already loving and recognized dad” his “official father” and change his last name to match your’s and your husband’s (and if there are step siblings) last name. You can make the explanation as part of the conversation. If your son says yes - go for it and make it all official. If your son says no - support his feelings and appropriately follow his lead in case he is then angry, confused or curious to know more about his biological father. IMO initiating the conversation from a positive place versus dropping a bombshell gets to the same end, but steers it more gently… and emphasis is in the fact that he is loved and wanted, not rejected from one and picked up by the other.
I’m in the same boat. My daughter is 6. I haven’t told her yet. I’m not sure if that is a conversation shes mentally mature enough to have yet. All these people on here telling you, you should have said something years ago, they probably have no experience with this subject. Like myself, and like one comment on here said. You know your child the best, you will know when the right time is when it comes. It is a scary Convo to have and hard to explain to a child.
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I told my daughter at 7. I answer any questions openly and honestly to the ability that she can comprehend depending on her age. The processing doesn’t happen all at once either, so let your child lead the way. My husband came into her life when she was 2/3 so he is also the only father she has known. My husband reassures her that he was so lucky to have her and that she is just as much his daughter as our youngest. Personally I would tell him as soon as possible. Good luck mama
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I told my daughter a few months before she turned 10.
I’m not telling my child my husband isn’t her dad… she has autism and very very technical. She knows him as dad. He’s the only person that was there to help raise her. There’s no need until they ask. If they ever ask. Why tell them?
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Tell him soon. Also I would talk to a therapist first and get professional advice on how to tell him. Tell him well before he hits puberty. You don’t want to wait until his hormones start going crazy and adds to confusion.
I wouldn’t use the term “real dad” to mean anything other than the man who has stepped up and been a REAL dad.
That said, I’d talk about biology and found families and how meaningful adoption is. I’d mention that you’re glad it is the way it is because your son would be different if he’d come from a different sperm cell, but also he’d be different if biodad had decided to be an influence in his life.
Emphasize that you and his real dad love him very much.
Well i started with have you ever wondered why your last name is different… not sure if your child’s last name is the same as yours or what not. I just explained how he tried to be a father. He wasn’t good to me so we had to leave. That I never stopped him from seeing them. And by all means when they’re old enough they can look for him. Unless he attempts first but it’s been 11 years. I’m sure that’s not going to happen. And I also told them that in his stories I’m probably the bad guy. But there is no bad guy. It didn’t work out and he chose to not be a part of our lives. Be honest. But don’t bash the other parent. And offer to answer every question they have.
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