Where do I go from here?

Ive been with my husband for almost 5 years married, 7 years total. We have 4 kids total between us. 1 is mine previous, 2 are his previous, and 1 we share. He is manipulative and his ego runs his life. Cares way too much about what others think of him, and refuses to make any lasting healthy relationships with friends or family. He prefers to be alone, in a self loathing state of drunken misery. Maybe Im being a bit dramatic with my words, but this has been life for years. Hates my parents wont speak to them, hates his own parents and sisters wont speak to them. Anyone that calls him out on this stuff is automatically banned from our lives. When I tell him hes being irrational and relationships with people are important, he tells me Im not choosing to be on his side. He hardly spends any time with me or the kids, stays in our room/bathroom smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking. Every single night. Thinks all women are wh*res until proven otherwise. Says THE nastiest things when we fight. Ive started getting nasty back at him because Im tired of being the one who makes excuses for him, excuses to myself like ‘oh hes just mad he doesnt mean it’. Any idea how many times Ive said that in 7 years? Any idea howe many times hes called me a c**t? B-ch. Wh-re. The list goes on. About a year and a half ago, I cheated, online, talking to men. Am I proud? Hell no. I regret that almost everyday. And Ive paid my dues, Ive gone to therapy, Ive gone and changed some things about me for the better, healed some things about my that made me a certain way etc, I did the work, for months and months. And then, I find out he cheated too. Not online, but with my best friend at the time, behind my back, he says they were just sexting but who actually knows to what extent. So, in my cheating, he has records of everything I did, everyone I talked to and what was said. I have no issue with this, it was part of healing. So when I find out about him and ask for records? Theyre all deleted, no way to get into anything and get what i need. And he did that WHILE he was going through all my stuff making sure I cant delete anything myself, hes deleting his accounts and making sure i dont know anything for 30 days when the accounts are officially deleted so I have 0 chance of seeing anything with my own eyes. So, in trying to reconcile, all fault and blame is put on me, anger is taken out on me, therapy and change is required of me, but not of him, and he insists what I did was infinitely worse than what he did (He says it was to get my friend into a threesome with us.) We aregue 5 days a week, 8 hours a day while hes at work. He comes home and shuts himself in our room all night. Its been a year and half of me doing what i need to do, to help him, try to get him to quit drinking, go to therapy for myself, answer any question he throws at me because of his insecurities even if its the same question multiple times a day, accusing me of things Im not doing constantly, sharing an email FB bank account and literally everything else to prove it…like I can go on and on with how Ive tried to make this work and he just wont, how unnfair it all is, not to mention how he treats the kids when he does actually come around them. Im just fed up, and almost 2 weeks ago I left. Took the kids and left. Am I wrong to think its emotional and verbal abuse? Because now, hes projecting everything back onto me, and hes now telling me IM the narcissist, have problems with ego, argumentative, Im the nasty one in conversations etc. And over the last few days hes gone crazy with arguments and says if I want to see changes in him I have to come home first, and If i dont then were getting divorced because those are my true colors. Manipulative. Hes now separating all our things, at least saying he is, accounts etc. I dont know just looking for some similar stories and advice

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Where do I go from here?

I’m pretty sure some of these, if not ALl of these posts are made up just because they’re soft ball questions. I mean, what do you think people are gonna say about this? Stick with it, girl, one day he’s gonna change? Or maybe, you need to be a good and loyal wife and put up with it forever? If this crap isn’t made up, then women have truly fallen from grace

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Didn’t even finish reading your too long post. WHAT ARE YOU 2 EVEN DOING TOGETHER? LEAVE!!!

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Girl, get out if that mess and stay out if it. You deserve better. Cheating is cheating no matter who did it first or how you went about it. Let go of this lame brain and rebuild your life so you can have a life.

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I’m confused as to how you’ve stayed in the relationship for so long…

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Wow…get a therapist and figure out why you are punishing yourself!!!

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This is just beyond my mind​:flushed::flushed::flushed:Why would you subject yourself and children to this?:tired_face::tired_face::tired_face::tired_face:

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Stay GONE :purple_heart:ITS hard , but your doing the best thing you can. Don’t give in. The second you go back it gets worse never better

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You’re therapist never told you to leave him?? What the hell are you still doing there??

Narcissist!
I feel for you. One day you’ll take the rose colored glasses off and leave. Then life will start for you.

You’re married to a narcissist. You’re both in the wrong for cheating, but this seems to go beyond that. That is the man you choose to be with, the man you choose to set the example for your children. The decision on what to do is yours and yours alone, but I can PROMISE you that if you go back, nothing will change. Maybe for a week or two, but after that, it’ll be right back to the way things have been. That’s how narcissistic people work. They use and abuse, make it out to be your fault, then when you leave, they make promises of change to get you back in their control. You are the only one who can control your life. If you go back and allow this to continue, it will continue. By going back, you’re telling him that how he treats you is alright. It’s not. You obviously have the means to leave, since you already have, so for the mental, emotional and physical well being of you and your children, stay gone! Separate everything and file for divorce.

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Leave! It’s not fair to subject your kids to that

Read what you wrote. If one of your kids came to you and described that situation as their life, what advice would you give? You’d say get out now!

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Leave Leave Leave it never gets better.
You’ll find someone that will treat you right

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This is definitely too much 2000 people to bear! Why are you punishing yourself with such a sad person? :scream::scream:

Leave , get his ex involved to keep the kids away from him for now also. He needs help !! Only he can get it for himself but you need to save the children and yourself from a the toxic abuse immediately. His ex and his family all know thos about him and need to support you and the kids making this choice. Get out , get help for yourself to and the kids. You stay then your accepting a life of abuse on your kids and you.

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Stay gone. Really. It’s best for you and your kids.

It doesn’t matter who is more wrong or who can prove what. There is no trust. Work on you. He doesn’t want to do the work.

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Leaving is the best start your life new

I’ve been with my husband for 15years. He has never called me out of my name. I’ve never called him out of his name.
Y’all really do tolerate way too much bs.
See a lawyer and start withdrawing YOUR part of the bank acct. Make a new email, FB, etc. Make hard passwords.
And for the love of all things holy, find your spine and stop allowing him to control your feelings. You know the truth. Tell him to get bent.

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He’s an abuser. Stay away. For you and your kids. Remove him from your life

Leave him
Leave him
Leave him

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Stay gone, he’s gaslighting you. Keep doing what you’re doing to be the best version of yourself for yourself and your kids.

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…does this sound like happily ever after? Get away now!!!

Stay gone don’t go back you’re not the problem he is. Lose communication for a while that’s how you get him out of your life. he’s no good

go get your own bank account, dont let him do it.

And then, file for divorce & custody.

He is a narcissist. You both are wrong for cheating, however this is beyond toxic on his part.

You need to leave. & dont look back.

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You defintly have a situation!

You’re still there why???

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There’s no score when you’re both cheaters. Unless you like treating each other like shit leave.

Stay away from him and follow through with that divorce he’s threatening you about. No one deserves that

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He’s an addict. Go to al-anon. You can’t fix him. Al-anon’s web site lists in-person and virtual meetings globally. I’m sure you can find one today.

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Yall ever write out the problem, reread it, and come to the conclusion on your own.

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Leave. You cannot change a person nor make them want to change! Stay focused on yourself for the sake of you and your children. He will figure it out of not that is on him.

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Leave. Not only for yourself, but your kids too. He’s beyond the kind of help you could give. At this point you’re enabling the crazy. Move on, be happy.

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Narcissistic behaviour

Gaslighting

This is a toxic relationship

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Anyone who TRULY loves you will never call you a cunt, whore, bitch etc…( goes both ways too ) these aren’t terms of endearment. The way people fight and argue says alot about what and how they really think and or feel about you.

Run now! You already left, so keep going and don’t look back. This is toxic af. You’re children and you don’t deserve this. Learn and heal from your mistakes. You can’t fix someone.

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He’s gas lighting you hardcore. Don’t fall into it.

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So happy you left. DON’T return. He has to want to change. You can’t do it for him. See a lawyer and a counselor Get a police person to escort you to get your possessions. The kids talk or visit when he is sober and in control of his behavior .you are hurting. If you can’t talk to a good listener or journal
Keep your head up. Be proud of you

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Document everything he does while you are there, then get a divorce and file for sole custody.

Let him be miserable by himself.

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If you could get his phone, even if he deleted it go to his archives should still be there for so many days. And take photos then save to a private file with password. He’s trying too Intimidate you don’t let him do it

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Eww. Just get your ducks in a row and gtfo of that mess. He deserves to be alone.

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Also record him on phone. If he texts screen shots and save to file. Take pictures of him drunk don’t tell him and use record on your phone.

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GET THE DAMN DIVORCE tell him don’t threaten me with a good time you want your daughters thinking that love or if you got boys calling girls whores.

Young one - take your children out of this environment now. They are your primary concern. What is happening now will effect their future relationship. Be strong, be proud, you are a good Momma. :heart::v:t4:

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Best stay gone girl, move forward with your life and the children. Unacceptable behavior, filthy, rotten, manipulative, delusional things that he puts out, I’ve gone through basically all of this, minus children, and boy let me tell ya, it’s a whole another world when you release the monster from your life :heart::muscle::pray::100::100:

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Now that you’re out. You grey rock him. End. Of. Story.

You need to read up on Narcissisic Personality Disorder. He sounds more a classic case.
People that call him on his BS are removed from his life. People he can’t remove, he has them walking on eggshells.
This behavior will NEVER improve without intense therapy, but a true Narc will never admit the problem is them so therapy is extremely rare.
I was married 8 years (together 13) to a Narc. I left 11 years ago and he still tries to control me via our children. When I don’t provide the desired reaction he doesn’t know what to do. Our 17 yr old daughter cut ties from him 4 years ago. He no longer tries to engage because he has lost the control he needs. He blames me, when the truth is that I worked hard for years to help their relationship.
You need to leave and educate yourself on this personality. Therapy isn’t a bad idea either.

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You need to leave lady Now He isnt worth it

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My dear he won’t change, his words mean nothing all he wants is to do is control you so that he can boost his ego, not only is this sort of relationship unhealthy for but for the kids as well, the fact that he is playing the victim says it all, you need to take the kids and start a new life, you deserve to be happy

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I’ve been there, it’s not narcissist it’s psychopath - narcissist is when no one but you sees it. Leave, it won’t be easy he will get worse BUT you will have your own space, the stillness at night, you will be calmer the kids will be calmer and it will help you get the confidence to get back on your feet. One step at a time, then one hour, then one day - I look back and remember how broken I was and where I am now, and every court case, every social worker he threw at me, I won and survived and it made me a much stronger, more determined mom and woman. You can do it. Just take that first step out the door, and tell yourself all day everything is going to be okay xxx

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Divorce and be happy life is too short to live that way

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Don’t go back to him, it will Be worse than it was before, consult a lawyer and talk to woman’s advocate and tell them what’s been happening, don’t argue back with him right now, get what money you can out of your account to take care or the kids. You and the kids deserve better than him

You both cheat, he’s a stinking drunk who does drugs, you clearly can’t stand each other so you stay together why?

So after all of this you thought it would be a fantastic idea to have a baby with him?

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This is not worth your time! Anything that takes your peace is not worth your time.

Anything that makes you feel defeated, alone, sad or not enough is not worth your time.

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Stand your ground mamma!!! For you and the kids. You know this is the right choice. That’s why you left…
I know it’s so easy to be sucked back in. To feel guilty… to feel like it’s your fault no matter the logic you KNOW makes it not you.
I’m hurting for you hunny… I get it.
You made the first step and that’s the most important.
Don’t go back!!
Grey rock him ( if you don’t know what that is, look it up please :heart:)
You got this. Your stronger than you think. Don’t ever let him put him down again.

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Your whole life’s dramatic you left now start over why are you calling him you should not be in contac with him let him do anything he wants work toward independence of him get on a antidepressant Your a mess but you keep going back for more who can help you your stuck Who cares he has stuff on you. Tell the bully do what he wants with it He’s cruel and crazy acting.

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Sorry but after all you just said and I apologise cause I know you have feelings involved etc but I would be having a pizza party for him separating my things for me . Doing you and your children a massive favour if you ask me . You said he doesn’t help much , thank the lord he picked now to start listening a bit help cause you need to get your stuff and go of safe to so .

You did the right thing by moving out . Don’t look back file for a divorce and live your best life !

You NEED to get out of that relationship NOW !!! You can’t change a narcissistic person, let alone a narcissistic ,psychopathic, alcoholic. They see no fault with themselves and drain the life out of those around them, If someone is of no benefit to them, they cut them off. Life is too short to be unhappy in a marriage or relationship.

He is the narcissist. Nothing will change, things will only get worse if you go back. You and your children deserve a better life & deserve to be happy. Ask yourself, does he make you happy? Is this the life you want to live day in and day out?

Get your children and get out or put his ass out. I would not put up with his behavior at all.

Get rid of him he will not change. Your kids deserve better.

You should have run long ago

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Get out… he’s emotionally and physically draining you. A energy vampire. It is going to take alot of strength, courage, willpower, self belief, determination to detach yourself to what you have been living with. Let Go. Self healing, self love and self discovery all on you. Yous both are like two magnets :magnet: move away from each other’s direction. Yous both aren’t connecting. Yous aren’t vibing. Yous aren’t bringing happiness for each other in your relationship. Found healthy supportive people into your life. Please be kind to yourself. Eliminate those who don’t support you in what you want in your life. Only you can create happiness into your life.

Y’all are toxic… and there are kids involved…and no amount of therapy is going to fix that mess. For your kids…you 2 need to stay apart. And for your therapist to convince you this is a workable situation… you need a new therapist.

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Document everything from now on until you leave. Which should be very soon. Use this post as reference. Don’t even argue. Just go.

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Seriously and the only way you should contact him is through an attorney. Who should serve him divorce and child support papers.

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He’s got severe depression and he’s an alcoholic. Don’t engage with him. You are never going to win. He’s not any kind of father or partner and you have put in the time and effort ALONE. Stop wasting your time and effort. He is the only one who can change. It could take 10 years- you should separate and get divorced. You have been in an insane and abusive situation WAY too long. It’s not going to make sense at first because of the time you have spent in hell but you and your kids need to get away from that. It’s not normal and it will shape how they view themselves and their future relationships. You are right to stay away. So leave. That voice telling you to go is right. You need to start over and be happy. You are not crazy or wrong to want better. It will be one of the hardest things to do but the best in the long run. Please start planning your life away from someone who has to help themselves. You can’t fix him. You can support and encourage him to get help but you need to set up some limits. 7 years and kids who need you to help all of you.

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Take the kids and go. You will thank yourself later. You or your kids don’t deserve that. Chances are he was treated the same way he is treating your and the kids. Best of luck.

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You already did the hardest part!!! Getting up the guts to leave, now you have all the more energy for you and your kids to have a better life. Good luck mama you got this!

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Similar story except I was and am a loyal and faithful person.
If you’re looking elsewhere, your heart is not with that person. Stay out. Do not go back. You know this in your words actions and heart. Best thing narcasitic people are good at is turning the blame on others. Calling you names and verbal abuse and neglect are abusive and toxic.
Why does he want to be with someone he calls a whore and a cuut anyway?
Please :pray: if you were able to get out STAY OUT!! No matter what words he uses or actions of intent to get you to return. Some women are not as strong as you are to have left in the first place. Well done you! Keep strong and use mediation and cut all ties with him. Be free and happy again for your family xxx blessed be

See an attorney. GET OUT and take what you can.

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Dear God sister get out of there!

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He is truly a narcissist and issuing ultimatums such come home or I am not working on things is not a healthy way to work things out. Stick to your guns. You made a good decision for you and your children. You deserve better and they do too. He has manipulative behavior.

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You already know you need to leave him and divorce him!! Unless you feel the need to go back and just see what he does next? He could kill you,but I think you know that too! He needs the kind of Help You can’t give him! Prayers for you and your children!:pray:

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What would you tell your daughter if she came to you with this situation?

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Good thing you left. Don’t let him guilt you or gaslight you into going back. Also, unless it’s about visitation or the kids don’t engage in any conversation. All he’s doing is trying to control you.

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You need to divorce for yourself and your children.

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Stay out and Dont look back!

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Why are you stil with a toxic piece of shit like that. Get out now and protect you and your kids

Are you serious?? I mean is this for real?? W.T.F.??

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The dating scene out here sucks.
I miss being married to an asshole.

Don’t go back. 9 times out of 10 the abuse get worse when you do back.

Speak to a lawyer. Go to court get protection orders done. Get a divorce and don’t go back.

He sounds like an incel. Run away and take your kids with you.

hes a drunk and a narcissist run dont look back

This is way too much. Run far away.
I wish you the best

Good for you. You should have left looooong before now though.

Get your kids and run don’t look back

How many red flags do you actually need?

Dump him like a hot potato!

You did the right thing by leaving. For 18 years my ex son in law screamed in my daughters face daily, blaming every problem on her and never contributed a dollar towards their bills. He will die without a friend in the world and that’s sad

open your eyes…this is a alful life…run

Stay away and go through with the divorce

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Baby, ruuunnn​:bangbang::bangbang:

I am SO proud of you for finally putting a priority on yourself and your happiness and leaving. Both you and those kids deserve soo much better

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You did the hard part of leaving now you need to stay gone. If not for you then for your kids. This is not a healthy relationship or environment for anyone to be in let alone growing developing minds. If you don’t want your children in this kind of relationship or to become this kind of person you need to show them something different and healthy.
As for you, now that you have left once the dust settles and you get your footing DON’T BY ANY MEANS get into another relationship until you have truly healed yourself and are happy and comfortable with who you are as a person on the inside. Heal the pain from the past but you will need to heal the pain from this relationship too so not to carry it over to another relationship and so you don’t accept this behavior as normal or not as bad from another relationship.

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Sorry this is a toxic relationship,
Seriously if you were both happy you would not have been unfaithful.
Leave and protect your kids.
He is not interested in fixing the marriage

Lil baby back biiiitch…th fukn shit people put up with…honestly…myself included