"Would you get fed up that you have to do every little thing for your partners grandmother? I know it sounds a bit cruel but they don’t get along all the time so she doesn’t like when he does stuff for her because of that and he doesn’t like doing things for her because of that but he wanted her to come live with us. So I end up having to do everything for her. They are both rude to each other but I just don’t feel like it’s fair and it’s hard for me to say no because she’s never done wrong to me and I do respect my elders. I have talk to him about it but he says she doesn’t like him doing certain things for her. They are like that with each other, I mean would you get fed up with always having to do everything for her, drive her everywhere? Or am I being a little over dramatic
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Surely there are care services available.
You are not the one who wanted her to move with you , so you definitely shouldn’t be the one doing everything for her , you have to sit them down and have a conversation, set your boundaries for what you can do and what not and let them figure it out what to do
I’ve been in the same situation. It’s very hard but I did it for my MIL’s benefit, not my husband. She’s gone now and I don’t regret any of it, unfair as it was then.
Well it was your choice , not his nor hers, just yours from your good heart, now that been said you seem to be very generous and caring and that’s a great quality. Maybe let her know thatbfrom now on you can do just a certain amount of things for her… the relationship between him and her is not yours to fix. Good luck
I would but like you, I’d continue on.
The three of you sit and spit out how you feel. Tell tell they need to speak to each other.
Yes if you did not agree to be a caregiver 24/7 then you should not do it. This is why so many families are not equipped to be appropriate caregivers. He can’t even put aside whatever to take care of her instead they’re putting it on you bc they know that your a pushover bc of “respect your elders”. You need to have a real come to Jesus style meeting with your BF. You are not getting paid to handle their drama. You don’t have the qualifications to be her carer. He chose this for himself and he needs to step it up. Or grandma needs to go to a place that can actually care for her appropriately. These situations is how elder abuse starts.
He needs to be helping with her also. It’s not your sole responsibility.
I wish you everything you deserve 
Anyone who’s attacking, doesn’t realize how hard it is to be a care giver 24/7. He invited her to live there with the expectation that she would do all those things. That is an unreasonable demand to be placed on you. Also I don’t like being in the middle or even around conflict, so I would not be able to handle this. Sorry not sorry. I have a child who I take care of and my husband also takes care of her too… it should be the same if an elderly person needs to live at home with people to help. Untrained caregivers usually will end up calling an actual trained one, because it’ll get to a point of changing diapers, feeding tubes, etc.
He has to do something. More work around the house, to give you a break
Grandma will have to let him do thing if now she will need to go into a assisted living facility.
Let him do it, she’s not your first priority.
Wow
You are being over dramatic
She is an elderly lady
I’m in her boat
Their are things I like to try and do things myself
But then there are a lot of things I need help with
I’m disabled
There is obviously more to this story
Then we know
If he wanted her to come live with you guys he should be taking more of that responsibility of caring for her off your hands. That’s like me bringing my Grandma to live with us and telling my Husband he’s got to do most of the work (but my Grandma and I have a wonderful relationship as does my Husband). It’s HIS Grandma she is his responsibility first
I honestly have promised my husbands grandmother I would take care of both of them and they would never go to a home. I fulfilled that promise to gramps already but I was so honored and gramma will be waited on hand and foot by me
Taking care of people especially the elderly is exhausting. Discuss a home health aid to help if he isn’t pulling his weight. You shouldn’t have to give up your whole life to take care of someone else 24/7. You need your time for your mental health.
THIS is a boundary line…just saying…I take care of my mom and yes sometimes it’s stressful but life must go on…
What are you willing to do for your mother and grandmother? If you are willing to do it for them then it should be no different for your partner, and would he be willing to do it for your relatives. Just remember that you are not a doormat and there is a limit to kindness. There are people who will run all over you and destroy your relationships. If they can do for themselves then they should take care of those issues themselves.
I mean, I help to take care of my ol man’s 86 year young grandfather almost every day. I’d much rather be there to help his Aunt take care of his grandpa, than to put him in a home with strangers that he doesn’t know or trust. He just had extensive emergency surgery about a month ago (my ol man’s uncle found him unconscious in the hallway, laying in a pool of blood, rushed him to hospital, his stomach flipped from vomiting so hard- they did emergency surgery and had to install a g-tube in his stomach). I have to fight with him to leave it alone every single day (he’s a picker, and has picked so much around his port, he’s created a staph infection). I’d rather fight with that man every day for the rest of his life, than to not have my ol man and children have his grandpa- their great grandpa around❤️
Yeah, there are days where it is completely exhausting and utterly overwhelming, but I wouldn’t rather have it any other way.
Why did she live with you when they hate each other? That’s not your business. When she can’t live alone, her kids and/or grandkids need to pay for a caregiver or nursing home.
No one likes to live like that.
I’ve been asked to do things for my MILs mother, my husbands Gramma. She has embarrassed me, never liked me and I have never been invited anywhere by here. My MIL asked if I could stop my life to get in a car, go to a store and purchase w my own money toilet paper in bulk for her mom. I said, no. She said, “Why?”. I said, “would you”. Nuff said.
if he wanted her there, he can suck it up and start doing stuff. you have a right to chill to, it’s almost like he knew he’d put it all on you, can be rid of her, yet be the good guy bc he included her. I’d feel used if was you
In all due respect the grandson have asked that she lives with them. Your husband needs to cut the crap and act adult and help his grandmother. He will too get old someday. Elderly need help otherwise they could be in their own home. You need to reevaluate your husband. Is he such a cold person to be rude to Grandma ? Treat the grandma good. Because karma will get you. I can’t believe people actually go through these situations with relatives. So sad. One day she won’t be there.
I’d be like dude… shes your grandma and YOU aren’t comfortable doing those thing. Imagine how I… someone who isn’t related to her feels.
Gtfoh
Lay out what you’re willing to do in writing and let them figure out the rest. Just state, “This is what I can manage right now.” No further explanation needed. They’re adults; they can figure out the rest, whether that means therapy or hiring a part time caregiver is up to them to figure out.
Lay out what you can do. It’s crazy he put this on you. I would absolutely have a problem with it. It’s not your fault she didn’t plan for old age. The nerve of them both
That’s wife level shit. Not partner level shit.
If you were a senior and in her shoes would you want your grandchild’s partner to help out if you got along with them better? I personally would be fed up, I’d hope someone would care for me when it’s my turn. But saying that, we don’t all feel the same so if your fed up don’t be phoney about it put it on the table.
Some things depend on whether or not she has her own or any funds, is mobile, lucid, or wheelchair bound or bedridden.
Counseling for both hubs & grandma to break the impasse. It may take a while to undo years of animosity, but start ASAP. Video counseling is available if grandma is housebound. Use 988, Better Help or EAPs from employers in the interim if it will take ages to get appointments with a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist. You may want to call to get info on what behaviors their working on so you can help reinforce them. Or not.
Have husband do all research and give him a deadline to complete it/make arrangements after consulting with you. Have carrot/stick incentives if he does or does not do the job. Unfortunately you’ll have to monitor this until he gets in the habit. This relieves you of the work and he doesn’t have to interact with grandma to do it.
See if Medicare/Medicaid will cover some home care help for her. Or, depending on the help you need (from injections to lifting her to helping her to the bathroom or just fetching stuff and doing laundry) find a CNA or just a companion, willing to work part time to give you a break. Might be able to pay them directly or even in cash so they won’t need to charge you so much. I got a fellow who was older and out of work to be a companion to my dad with dementia for $15/hour kind of under the table as they were in a facility that wanted us to use their staff at $36/hour. This was about 10 years ago though.
Get counseling yourself or call Better Help or the mental health hotline (988) to help you cope and formulate a plan so you only do what you can manage.
Get her taxi/Uber/Lyft senior discount coupons. Hubs can do the research online & get them for her. Incentive is he needs to get it done by her next appointment or you’re refusing to drive her. Of course if it’s convenient to drive her, continue to do so for those occasions, like going to the grocery or pharmacy together.
Get hubs to research if there are “helping hands” volunteers if she is a member or attends a religious institution. Often a bunch of folks are available to take folks in need to doctor appointments, church or whatever. My church also has volunteers who will make & bring meals to shut ins during a temporary illness.
Check the office of aging and senior centers to see if there are fun programs to get her out of the house for a couple of hours. Many also provide meals & snacks. Find what she enjoys doing & get her involved in groups for classes, quilting, volunteering for any cause she believes in or enjoys, speaking another language, etc. as long as she’s lucid.
If she’s mobile, get her in a Silver Sneakers program of exercise, from low impact aerobics to seated yoga. I like Tai Chi Ch’ih as it’s good for overall health and balance, plus is a great moving meditation. You could do it as a family. It’s on You Tube at https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ONjHjM4puGY.
Ask grandma to do things for you/the family. Anything for which she’s capable. Setting the table, putting away the dishes, addressing Christmas cards, to fixing meals, doing laundry, keeping the kids’ schedules, helping with their homework, keeping a shopping list, coordinating with repair persons, vacuuming or running a Roomba, etc.
Plan a getaway with your side’s family members or girlfriends and leave the two to sort it out for a weekend or a week. If money’s tight, go visit friends who will be happy to see you for a while. It should be within driving or bus trip distance far enough away so it’s inconvenient for hubs to drive. See the attractions in their area.
Ask others/guilt other family members to come visit and help with grandma in exchange for doing some fun stuff too.
Get enough sleep, good food and exercise. Maybe join grandma for whatever she’s capable of. Put on music you like & dance, take a movement class that sounds interesting. Go for walks/runs/hikes whenever you can. Take hubs & flashlights and go for walks at night in safe areas. Great way to talk about stuff on these night walks.
Take charge Warrior Woman!
You’re overreacting. You are actually doing nice things for him, by doing for his grandmother. Look at it this way: you will probably be old one day, yourself. You may not be able to stay in your own home, and have to move in with relatives. Try to have kind thoughts.
And that’s sweet you help her good on you
Some things a woman wouldn’t want a man to do is common. If you talked it over with your spouse then it was already decided before she got there. Taking care of an elderly family member can be very stressful. Whatever your spouse can do to help you out would be helpful for you to alleviate the burden. It would only work if you all work together. I’ve been in your place
I think if is respectful towards you who is helping her let your husband deal with his own relationship she seems to like so I would leave it
Why did he have her move in ?Is grandma helpless ?
She shouldn’t be your problem. He’s using you. Decide how much you can live with.
I think you might be a little overwhelmed and that’s okay. I know that you are frustrated doing mundane tasks for her all the time, but just imagine how frustrated that she is that she can’t do those things anymore. Sometimes, as people age, their demeanor changes because they are having to learn to accept the fact that they just don’t have certain abilities anymore and that makes them cranky. Dealing with old people is like dealing with toddlers- they have all these brand new emotions and we just expect them to manage them and then we huff and puff and climb up on our soap box and talk about how they aren’t our responsibility and they just need to do it or be placed in a home. Ask more questions; ask her why she doesn’t like him helping her. Ask her what it is that she feels he isn’t doing right, etc. When you have a grasp on what she doesn’t like about it, talk to your partner about changing little things to help you manage the household. At the end of the day, if they don’t want to work it out, stick them in the same room, close the door and tell them to handle their shit. You got this mama.