I started dating a single dad. We bonded over having daughters that are biracial. Things were great but part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knew we both came from PTSD level traumatic past relationships.
I caught him lying in regards to social media. And when I confronted him, he continued to lie. So we had it out, and it ended with “lose my number”.
A few weeks later (so this past weekend) he reached out asking to talk. He apologized profusely, accepted accountability and tried to explain his thought process for what exactly happened.
I believe he’s sincere, but I am torn. A lot of it is just being jaded from previous experiences.
Would you give him another chance? Put in boundaries/rules? Tell him to kick rocks?
I am a sucker for giving another chance but if you truely believe you are happy being with him go for it you’ll always think what if. But set boundaries and lay down rules exactly what you want and how you want things to go because it goes any further have that tough conversation, all the best gorg xx
Girl run. He already lying . Sounds like He apologized more for his own sake and not because he was sincere because he knew it was his way to get u back in because he saw u left. Only advice trust your gut your not crazy
The foundation of a relationship is trust. If you dont have trust, you dont have a foundation for the relationship. Seems like he broke that. Girl, youre better than that. Find someone that is going to be honest and sincere with you! Rememeber your worth.
It’s really up to you. If you both come from ptsd level past relationships, you also have to accept that he needs to work through his trauma. If you’d like to make it work, maybe try to do counseling separately and together. If you’d rather not make it work then walk away now. Or maybe just stay friends and you guys can have someone to lean on during your hard times, which you’ll have plenty of working through bad trauma.
I’d sit down and have a conversation with him yes he lied but like u said u both have PTSD issues due to past relationships maybe he was scared at first and didn’t know how u would react. I’m not saying what he did was good but ur both adults. Maybe take day by day again and see what happens. Trust is a big thing in a relationship
Leave! It will be a never ending cycle. And to be that mad over his own lie to say “lose my number.” No ma’am, he believes his own lies girl. He’s showing you who he is. Seems narcissistic. Being an empath, I have attracted mainly narcissists all my life until literally a few months ago when I was awakened. This is just the beginning. You can’t fix him. Only he can fix himself. He will keep lying, leave when you call him out about it, and come back to repeat it again when you catch him in another lie. Been there, done that.
I wouldn’t, if I were you… It starts with a small set of lies which we tend to overlook and once they think they’ve built that trust, the lies get bigger and better… You don’t want to go through it allllll again, do you? That’s the answer…
Nope, he knows better, he chose to do it not ONCE but continuously, he doesn’t respect you enough to stop and broke trust by lying instead of being upfront. Time to go.
Thank the Lord it was revealed to you so early - before marriage - kids and mortgages. You have not wasted anytime - and MOVE on !!! It is early in the dating process and his behavior should be the best - and it isn’t ! It is downhill from here !!
Ok of PTSD from past relationships that traumatised…he clearly knows what lying can do. So do you. There’s no excuse…i would not put myself i a position where i can be traumatised further.
Move on…just because you have something in common, his true character came out in that one incident. Don’t put yourself or your heart and your children’s hearts and mental well-being at risk here.
Leave it as is, and take it as a blessing. I was with someone like that and he was always ready to apologize and be sincere, but also really quick to start lying and give excuses about his past. We all have trauma from previous relationships, but it doesn’t give us the right to continuously hurt the other person. If I would’ve heeded the red flag from the beginning, I would’ve been spared so many years of hurt don’t invest yourself anymore, the right person will not lie to you and be so quick to tell you to “lose his number” when caught in a lie. That’s gaslighting at its finest.
It depends. Is it a new relationship? If so, no. If it’s been long term then maybe. But most likely tell him to buzz off. I don’t do the on again off again thing.
So we’ve established he’s a liar. How do you know he isn’t lying now? You don’t… and that will be the foundation of your entire relationship. You’ll never know if he’s lying.
I would stick to the “lose my number” accountability is great, but let it be closure. Focus on your kid, yourself and don’t settle. End of the fact is you didn’t deserve that in the first place. Sorry, wont take what has been done. Focus on getting help with the PTSD (therapy) and what will fall into place, will.
There’s a lot missing from this story to be able to give any substantial a advice. What was the lie? Why did he feel the need to lie? How long have you been dating? Is this a one time thing and you flipped shit? Or is it something repetitive?
You haven’t given enough context to be able to give you any helpful advice. We don’t even know what he did or what was said. We don’t know his reasons. You told us basically nothing and asked for help. I have no idea how we’re supposed to effectively help you.
Everyone deserves a second chance don’t ask people on Facebook because the time they never tell you the right things they tell you from their experiences and believe nothing Facebook said
—He’s already a liar just while starting to date you.
—He isn’t honest about social media—which is potentially one of the biggest relationship/marriage killers these days.
—Do you really want to live this way?
—Expose your child(ren) to this?
—Do you always want to second guess anything that he says from now on?
Personally, I’d wish him luck in life and that you hope he learns something from this—that honesty is the most important trait to have in a relationship, in the beginning and throughout it.
PST issues really have nothing to do with him lying to you. Some people are liars no matter what. No one can tell you what to do but I would definitely run from a liar. Remember liars most of the time continue to lie.
That’s vague. What was he doing on social doing on social media? The lying would piss me off. But did he have a good reason to lie? For example if he was venting about your behavior or talking to someone about you I can see him lying. Maybe he was just trying to figure things out without upsetting you or starting drama.
PTSD in relationships means you can bring some trauma over into the situation , be more hyper aware of patterns or tendencies but it does not extend over to lying. Lying is lying, past relationship experience or not. Now you can decide the severity of the lie but if it ended in a lose my number type of thing and anything social media in general, you more than likely need to see this for what it is unfortunately and let it go.
If you do accept him. Then you need to establish strong boundaries and keep to them. Both of you have to be on the same page and rebuild. If you accept him back you need to not hold it against him, you need to let go and ACTUALLY clean slate. The biggest thing humans do is 'forgive ’ but still throw it in their face during a fight. Which does no good for anyone.
People lie when they know their actions are unacceptable. He already knew. And there would be no regrets had he not been caught. You will always have that little voice in the back of your head asking if you can trust him and you may even find yourself checking up on him. That is no way to live. Move on.
I say give him another chance and also apologize for jumping his shit. Thinking that therapy to help with communication going forward would help. One on one or together… being able to communicate with out coming out as being controlling or in the wrong tone is important in all relationships.
Why not just move on?How hard is that for you?…
It doesn’t matter if you “bonded” over having biracial children.
Hopefully the next guy you bond with doesn’t lie to you about social media. Move on. Life is waaaaaay too short.
we can’t answer this for you, Youa re the only one who really can decide if this man is worth all of this or not. Think about it, Maybe write everything day with all you two have done , been thru, etc, then put it down & then pick it up in a wk or two & read it , You might have your answer then
At the beginning of your relationship people should be showing their very best side. So many of us settle in the beginning I’d recommend not settling for someone who felt you were someone he could lie to.
Go with what your heart says. Sometimes coming from relationships like you have you both were waiting for the shoe to drop and when it did he must feel awful for him to come and apologise to you. If you think you could trust him then give him a try but maybe set some rules around social media nothing major just like if random people message tell the other to show there’s no going behind each other’s back.
You are the only one who knows how you feel. My personal experience has been once the person has lied even if it’s a small one it always leads to more lies. But again you truly are the only one who knows how you feel and what you want
I always think most men will try to push boundaries. He knows now you are not like other women and will definitely walk away. I don’t know how serious the social media lie was but look at the whole picture. If he looks like a good guy and father, give him another chance. This is where you will talk boundaries and what you won’t tolerate. Now if he’s a habitual liar, please run.
We live in a world where lying has become acceptable, news channels, tabloids, commentators, and even clergy, but consciously letting it inside the boundary of your personal relationship is not for me, repairing trust is like gluing a broken window back together
A lot of people are apt to jump at the whole, “If he cared he wouldn’t have done it.” … There’s so much more to relationships, people, communication-What works for someone else may not work for you. There are three sides to every story: Your side, his side and the truth- most of the time you’ll meet somewhere in the middle. Where he actually took accountability for his actions and apologized to you should count for something. Accountability is something that is lost on a lot of people. You were saying that you both come from pretty messed up relationships and no one that has responded to you; knows his side of the story- But he tried his best to explain it to you that he could and why it seemed rational in his head. That’s more than some would get from their husbands. There is a lot to digest. If you feel he was sincere in his apology and that you guys have pretty solid boundaries then maybe give it another go. I’ll tell you right now, you will never find someone that is absolutely perfect or does everything right. Relationships take work in order to grow and blossom into something healthy that you both love and enjoy being a part of. You both have to heal your past before you can move onto the future, because if you take bricks from your old relationship and try to build a new relationship with those same bricks, the house will eventually topple over. Communication is a solid foundation to start on. The only person that can answer your question honestly, is you Darlin. Good luck.
No I wouldn’t take him back and here’s why. I dated a guy that told me lying is ok and everyone does it especially in relationships. I told him NO not everyone because I don’t. And we ended us. If he lied once he’ll lie again.
You have to do what you think is best for you. Past trauma does stuff to people, but it’s not an excuse for shitty behavior. If he’s been through relationship trauma, then he knows what it feels like to do the shit he’s doing.
Please listen to everybody. They are right. If you don’t have trust in a relationship, you don’t have a foundation to base it on. Don’t put yourself through this. It will not get better. Take it from somebody who has been through it. Good Luck.
I would keep it as friends, obviously he has some issues that he needs to work on, it’s great that he is taking responsibility and explaining his rationale behind his lying.
Tell him to kick rocks. Life is to short and once they lie and get away with it they will continue to do it. Find you someone that will cherish you and you only.
Considering the PTSD relationships you mentioned, I would recommend therapy for both of you. You both have learned survival tactics based on these relationships and while they served you in those relationships. They are no longer beneficial to sustaining a healthy relationship.
Is this guy’s name Chris? Because this sounds JUST like my ex. Did all these things. Blamed every action or inaction on past trauma, which I later found out that HE did a bunch of damage to all of his exes and not the other way around. More lies constantly. Constant apologizing. Forget about it and leave before you lose your mind.
I guess it depends on what he did ….but if I’m being honest if you both arent healed enough from your last relationship maybe you guys should work on yourselfs first so that the next time you have a relationship you can lay all the cards out and set all the boundaries and if they don’t meet them you can still be confident in yourself and your choices because without that you’ll always be asking questions and thinking something is happening in the back of your mind……
Don’t get pregnant do not this relationship needs a lot of work don’t fool around ask him straight out what he wants to do with hisl life what makes him happy does he feel better alone make him talk. Ask him if he would mined going to relationship counseling now and again if you have rough spots
Couples and individual counseling. Otherwise, you’ll continue to hurt each other. PTSD doesn’t go away. If you are both responding from trauma you’ll both end up with more trauma.
don’t invest yourself anymore, the right person will not lie to you and be so quick to tell you to “lose his number” when caught in a lie. That’s gaslighting at its finest.
so I’m gonna have to go with KICK ROCKS!