Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Would you make an effort seeing toxic in-laws, if they never make one?
You’re not wrong. Ignore them and make your own traditions. Go where you are celebrated.
If they don’t invite, don’t go. Make your own plans and forget they exist. If he wants to go I’d let him go alone, letting him know exactly why.
No your not wrong leave toxic people out of your life
You don’t need to point out to him how they’ve treated him badly. Let him figure this out himself, give him time to figure out what he feels and what he wants to do. Just be there for him and support him.
Absolutely not. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Let him deal with it.
I do not make an effort for people who will not make an effort for us so no you ste not in the wrong. It’s not worth the hassle the heartache or the effort. It is his parents so he might have the longing for wanting “this year will he different” but it’s probably not going to happen. Make traditions with just you and your little family and the memories you make together and for your kids are what you all are going to look back on, enjoy them.
No your not wrong. I know the feeling so well believe me. I have been there. I would not go and definitely would not put any children through that
Nope. You are not wrong.
Why make the effort when yall were treated like crap last year??
No you’re not wrong , but he also is hurting because he wants a relationship with them. Don’t tell him notto put in the effort, just stand by his side and let him learn. He has to feel supported by you or he will feel like you’re the enemy.
You are not wrong for feeling that way, but it sounds like you always try to be part of his family for the holidays, when you should alternate holidays with your family and his, or invite both sides to your place. When I was married Thanksgiving would be with my family one year and his the next, Christmas would be the opposite, with Christmas Eve being spent with the part of the family that was not getting dinner with us on Christmas, but it was all worked out more than a month before Thanksgiving. I honestly think you your husband and the adults in his family need to sit down and talk about the situation ask if they even want your family there for the holidays ask for an honest answer.
Nope they showed you guys over and over that they don’t value your relationship. Don’t force yourselves into more hurt and stress than necessary. Make your family with the people who do care about you.
You aren’t wrong for feeling how you do. You’re feelings are valid too. He most likely got upset and lashed out at you, which he shouldn’t have done, but he’s hurting and grieving for a relationship he obviously feels he needs to have as well. It would be best if you guys didn’t even talk to them or go over. But unfortunately the only thing you can do is try to support him through it. It’s not easy. I know. Maybe he needs to have a talk with them if he hasn’t already. Try to encourage your own family traditions without bringing them up. It’ll always be hard. But he seems like he hasn’t repeated the cycle with his own family. Just reassure him you and the kids love him, that you all are there for him and he is the most important person to you all as well. This is a crappy situation. It would be better like I said to cut ties, but he needs to be the one to decide that. He has emotions and needs too that he needs from them and they aren’t being met and seems like they never have been. I would also maybe suggest counseling for this for him to help with coping with this since it does bother him a lot. Good luck to you and you’re family.
This whole thing is ridiculous. Have you ever found out what caused this ice cold relationship? Nothing is normal about this. I would not want to go either. Your children have to notice y’all are being treated differently. Do you ever get to go to your side of the family for the holidays? What would happen if you had the holiday at your house and invited all of them to come? Would they come? I don’t think I would go there anymore.
He desperately needs them to love him. He feels if he makes the effort eventually they will. You can’t make him cut ties. He has to want to.
Why does he chose to punish himself . He was gone long ago for the right reasons. Instead of seeing it for what it was and fixing himself of what happened with that situation of his past with his family he chose to act like it never happened and try to insert himself back into same dysfunctional situation only be treated the exact same way of why he left early in his life. He needs to ask himself the questions of why he does this to himself . No you should not take your family to a toxic environment. Yes you are his wife but this is something he has to fix within himself. You have to show your own children that this is not the proper way of how family acts with each other. If he chooses to keep punishing himself he goes alone. Just be supportive and listen from your house. Make your own happy holiday memories at your home together.
It sounds like stray dogs and cats would get better treatment from his family than your family would so take the hint, you dont want to accept disfavored child status for your children, its a major form of abuse and your husband is the adult manifestation of that
It’s part of being the eldest there is actually a diagnosis for it.
You’re not in the wrong. And he should call and wish them a merry Christmas and leave it at that. Some people are just like that and life is too short. Don’t take your kids there again. That’s super toxic and they think they can hand you a $20? Like, damn that’s pretty disrespectful.
I wouldn’t go if he wants to go he can go you go to your family
How awful. So sorry. Don’t know what to say.
I see both sides of this, you have every right to feel as you do, but he also desperately wants to fix whatever happened to cause him to leave in the first place all them years ago, they are his parents after all who doesn’t want to be loved and accepted by their parents. He’s not getting that love and acceptance and he doesn’t know, or won’t admit why. I think the 4 of you need to sit down and have a talk about what is really going on so you can either fix it or cut ties for good
He’s upset towards you but not with you. He’s hurting and has lashed out at you which was wrong. As hard as it is, I’d just leave them to it and not bother with them. He needs to accept that they’re not interested in your lives and there would be far less upset if he didn’t try so much and waste effort and energy on them
Oh I can relate somewhat… just be there for your husband. Think of how he feels, I mean he wants to fit in feel apart if his family. It’s sad they’re treating him differently. Does he even know why? Idk would it be something that he could talk to his parents about how he’s hurt how they treat him? I don’t understand how family can treat each other horribly. Maybe find your own friends and family and forget about them.
No matter how good he is or how hard he tries he will never be good enough for them.
I hope he knows this is not in him.
Some parents just have no conscience.
Nope. We don’t celebrate much with my in-laws because of how they treat my husband. Sometimes you have to cut toxic people out for your own well being, because otherwise they try to use the word “family” to excuse abuse
He should just forget them
I’d sit down with them and say look Iam not a child anymore, So what’s the deal ??? Why have I always been treated like Iam not wanted???
why would you guys to this to you & your kids??? They are horrible people & let it go, Create your own family traditions, without them
I cut my toxic MIL off completely.
Just cut them off they are toxic you will be happier for it
Oh you are not wrong your husband should try to get over it go on with his life without them
Nope I wouldn’t care to
Cut ties. If they do feel differently than you all feel they do, they’ll reach out.
Its sad, there’s a part of him that is still that little boy who wants to be loved. However, hes an adult now and shouldn’t put his own kids in that same toxic environment. He would probably benefit from counseling to help him get over them.
He must be devasted inside and still trying to get their love…have you ever confronted them about this.i cant imagine the sad life your husband has had…think i would have to say someting…if it cant be sorted I wouldnt go there again…they are missing out you have a new baby coming to celebrate . Go to your family make new memories of your children with ppl who want you around. Its possible to have a new life with your family and friends…let your husband go there if he wants but i wouldnt if I were you…too hurtful
Sad that some parents can do for one or some but not all. Our family would come first and I’d try to explain that to my husband!! He needs to understand if they are not good parents to him and his wife and his children then he is not the only one hurt!! My children would not be part of that. Sometimes you just have to let go even if it’s your parents. You can love them from a distance and wish them well give them that short phone call of wishing them Merry Christmas or what ever the case maybe but it don’t mean the your family has to be unhappy because of their actions! I wish you the best Merry Christmas
You are not wrong, but it has to be his decision. Else you will somehow end up at fault. Express your feelings, and go with what he decides. Eventually he will cut them off.
I feel so sorry for your husband. That hurts!
So let him go over to his family’s to be ignored and stay with the kids and go wherever you want…
Start new traditions. Stay home, make hot chocolate, read a Christmas book out loud to the kids. I wish I had started that earlier. Don’t worry about your toxic in-laws.
Wait until you see how they treat your baby.
You’re better off walking away now.
Neither of you are wrong for what you’re feeling in regards to the situation.
I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t be ok with my kids seeing that and being treated unfairly
They, had unfortunately showed up heir feelings. Your husband wants to be accepted and is trying to earn their love. They mY need him in the future, but live? Not his fault. A secret they will keep. His choice. Talk and respect his wishes. Sad. Love him. Stop him and say hi and leave but expect the same
Stop bye and say hello but not stay. His choice talk it out
Respect his feelings…it goes much deeper than you are aware of…wife or not
Nope , next question
If you feel you must attend to support your husband take separate cars…I started doing this when I was ready to leave and we left 4hours after I was ready to go. It’s a win-win he got to visit as long as he wanted and I got to go home when I wanted. If you start to feel uncomfortable you can leave . Sad that he is the one to reach out
No you are not, neither is he, have a long talk, no arguing, decide what would be a good compromise.
Sorry but he would be going there alone. I refuse to allow anyone treat me or my chikd like we aren’t ish🤷🏽♀️
Very unfair your children see how well the others are treated as they receive nothing…
Sadly, until he accepts what is, he’ll keep being hurt.
It’s not his fault and it doesn’t change who he is.
I’d let him go alone if that’s what he wants but the kids would not be there.
I walked away and my lofe is peaceful. I couldn’t do it anymore. About a year after, my oldest told me “It should’ve happened sooner”.
Still buy the kiddos somem fuck the adults
My fiance had this same problem. Baby brother is perfect, he cut ties because his mom is a narcissist. It got to the point she would lie about everything. So we had to start recording every Convo and when someone comes to us saying she said this or that we can prove her a liar. He hasn’t even seen his family in a year. He just had a major surgery and neither of his parents even asked if he was ok. Younger brother still lives at home, has no children and he’s 28. My fiance has 2 girls they are the only grandkids they have and they treat them horrible. We live 5 min up the street from his parents. They are sorry and start drama every chance they get. My man does work sometimes for a man who lost his number so he called my fiance’s mom to see if he could get a number and she told him that she said she couldn’t give him info because my fiance was hiding from the law. They will spread rumors, dangerous tumors that can ruin your life so we keep proof of everything just in case. My man isn’t in trouble with the law but because she isn’t allowed on my property she gets mad and starts telling lies… toxic is toxic doesn’t matter who it is. Our life has been drama free for a year now. Do your own thing for Christmas.
I don’t understand why people push for a relationship with people who don’t want anything to do them. My oldest stepdaughter is doing this with bio mom when it’s evident she hasn’t cared for years. All we can do is watch them get hurt until they get the picture. The youngest saw it a long time ago and wants nothing to do with her. Maybe one day your husband will see it too.
No, you are not wrong. But you need to understand how bad he’s hurting. Love and support his choices like you would expect him to do for you. I’ve been going through this with my husband for almost 10 years. His mother favors his two eldest sibling and and doesn’t give a shit about the last two. This woman literally said she wouldn’t have minded if her last two died in utero. He still strives to be accepted by her. It’s something he needs to do for himself. If he chooses to stop talking to her that is his choice if he doesn’t that is also his choice. You should support him either way without making it more difficult for him.
I would honor his wishes to see his “family”. Until he wants to sever the ties. Had a similar problem with my in-laws for way too many years,but you don’t want to be responsible for his feelings if guilt if something happens to them in the future and he regrets not making the attempt. Good luck!!!
Get hubs some counseling. He’s holding out hope they will change (they won’t) & he needs to learn strategies to be able to accept they are just horrible people to your family and it’s best to let it go and make new traditions without them. Sounds like the brothers follow the parents’ lead and don’t treat you any better.
Fill their roles with special friends instead and skip the heartache. I’m sure there are older folks without children or empty nesters who would LOVE to have you all in their lives and be grateful to share celebrations with you. You can find single folks with no family or families who also have toxic relatives who would be able to handily fill the places at your holiday table and in your hearts while returning the love and gratitude.
They’d no longer be my family or in laws. I would make them strangers!!
If you were going to support your husband and he wants to go to his families for Christmas, go with him with zero expectations! Smile through it all. Not for them, but for your husband, you & your kids.
I would drop a gift basket and xmas card at the door mail every holiday you can only control what you do! if it feels better to do that then you know you’ve done your best to keep a door open
Nope. He could go but I would not nor would I allow my children to be there.
Life is too short to be stuck in misery. Build the holidays just around your own little family and those people that you love and love you back, whether they are related to y’all by blood or not.
Try to support but push him to just accept their behavior…that way he can dig deep into his own family! I’m almost 60 years old and growing up I was an only child I think because I was a girl and my mom was afraid she’d have another one. You see for whatever reason she prefers males… I grew up in my cousins shadow…he was older than me infact went on dates with my mom and dad…when he passed from cancer she attached to my son and now his son is the anointed prince in her world and believe me out of 17 of my grandkids she’s not afraid to show her preference!!! She spent pennies on the rest but bought her fav a HUGE gift… it happens and the rest of the family just goes on with our lives!!!
You are not wrong and neither is he.
He’s hurting and he needs to figure out what he needs to do for him. He needs support and possibly space.
Maybe schedule only a short art of your holiday with them?
It’s sad that your hubby wants to keep trying when they obviously don’t care. He obviously wants more from them than they are willing to give.
Id be tempted to ask them via email if it’s easier why they treat him so differently. If you get an answer you might be able to help him move on.
You’re not wrong at all. Also, if going there makes you miserable then don’t do it. If someone treated me this way, family or not, I would feel like I’m not welcomed and would not go back. You have to also take your happiness into consideration and if seeing them makes you unhappy then don’t do it. Just because they are his family that doesn’t mean that you have an obligation to be miserable and see them.