I have been raising my niece as my own for the last year and a half. She was abandoned by her addict mother and still has attachment issues stemming from it. My SIL is now back on methadone and would like to have a visit. She has had no contact with my niece since her removal. My niece has also asked to call us mom and dad. She’s five and loves calling her cousins her sisters. We have been completely honest about her birth mom (in kid-friendly terms), and we are hoping to do what’s best for her — wondering if any moms have experienced reintroducing a child to an addicted parent? Also, to add, my niece does remember when she was removed and will have a massive meltdown if she thinks I’ve left her for a moment. She will hyperventilate if I even take the garbage outside without her. So she will not be left alone for even a second. And we have spoken to my niece, and she does want to see her. Any advice or dos or don’t from personal experience?
My only concern is if she is still on drugs it might harm her more but you are comfortable with it maybe a play date at the park with a picnic
I personally think the best thing you could do is not reintroduce at this time… It’s just a matter of time before she moves on from the methadone.
Take it slow.
Don’t over whelm her. Put some boundaries in place. If your niece wants to at any time stop the visit then stop the visit. Don’t force her to hug her bio mom. Let her know she can have personal boundaries. She doesn’t have to hug or kiss or even say I love you if she doesn’t want too. ( so Important giving a child room to say no. You don’t want to invalidate her feelings. )
If your niece doesn’t want to see her don’t force it
If she doesn’t want to see her, why force her thru it.
If yall have custody I would not! Methadone is not sober! She cant be sober she cant see her!!
If she’s currently using then a visit should be completely out of the question.
Slow and steady. Supervised of course, when treatment is COMPLETED.
I wouldn’t until the bio mom has been sober for at least a year, and is able to have her own healthy place to live, stable job.
If bio mom was that serious about wanting a relationship. Because in the end, she’ll walk into her life, then use again and repeat until irreparable damage has set in.
Good discussion about managing adult expectations. Set time limit and don’t push the child, let her show the adults what she is comfortable with. Don’t take anything personally.
Set up supervised visitation through DSS if the child is ok with this.
Talk to her therapist. If she doesn’t have one she needs to have one
If the state took the child and put her in your care she has to go to court to be allowed to see her child or you could lose custody
Yeah I hate to say it but I have a neighbor that goes to the methadone clinic and after she gets home she goes down the street to the drug dealer I would tell her I want you to have a drug test first and if you’re clean then we will have a supervised visit but you must pass the drug test first
If she wants to see her, I wouldn’t stand in the way. It may be 10 or 15yrs but in the end, she will blame you at some point. Id keep all visits supervised by you or your husband, someone she explicitly trusts. If mom doesn’t like it, then she can take you to court. Any judge would order the same as you would be doing. She doesn’t deserve to just get her back, but a relationship on your terms until she earns back trust is good for your daughter.
I wouldn’t until she is of of methadone as well. Also, I don’t think your daughter sounds ready for this. Wanting to see her and being ready aren’t the same. If you do decide to do this, it needs to be in a neutral place, like a counselor’s office. In fact, I would get a counselor’s opinion on the whole thing first.
Just play it by ear see how the first visit goes methadone is still dope as far as I’m concerned I’ve seen people on it and from past experiences it’s not gonna last so when things start to go sideways puller and end the visitation you’ll know your mom instincts will kick in.
If
You have court ordered custody then you need to keep it all through the courts. You don’t want to jeopardize losing her
I would maybe have her come to your house, that way your niece is in a comfortable environment that she’s familiar with. And I would also start slow. I wouldn’t let her mom try rushing into a parental relationship, maybe try being her friend first and then slowly work the relationship up from there.
Do it through the courts if that’s how you have custody allowing contact she could be removed from your home
Does she have a court appointed guardian? I would approach this situation with caution. Get legal advice. Good Luck.
Everything that everyone is saying about court, listen. Don’t risk losing her because someone who couldn’t take care of her now wants to play hero and swoop back in. 9/10 times even though they’re on methadone they’re going to go back.
Don’t. As someone who’s bio mom abandoned her don’t have her come in and out of her life. It’s going to be way too hard on her. She’s going to get upset when she leaves, or misses a visit and will feel like it’s her fault.
I do not have personal experience on handling a child like this, but do have lots of experience with addiction. I assume she’s in therapy? And if not, I’d recommend getting her started asap. She should not have separation anxiety like that and helping to correct it should be started right away. I’d suggest you meet bio-mom at a neutral location, for now, so your niece does not feel like her home is being invaded. It’s her safe place and she may not want bio mom exposed to her personal space just yet, if ever. Maybe meet at a park, or mall, our for dinner, etc., something age appropriate, where you are able to leave when your niece is ready. I’d also STRONGLY suggest setting strict ground rules for bio mom with defined consequences. For example; no talk about how she wishes she could have her back, or how sorry she is for leaving her, etc. No promises of another visit or holiday time, or anything like that. And if she does, immediately excuse yourself and your niece from the visit, but respectfully (to help eliminate further potential trauma to your niece). It may be ideal to even have her bio mom submit talking points that you pre approve. For example; ask her about school. Her favorite subject, favorite teacher, things like that. Doing so will help eliminate awkward silence and give her something to talk about, other than how rough things have been. I know all of this may seem really odd and controlled, but, again age depending, this kind of control is sometimes necessary. Good luck and you are going the right thing, allowing her to reconnect with her bio mom. <3
I wouldn’t expose her to her mother until her mother has been clean for a few months. I had to keep MY OWN child away from my mother because she was battling addiction and since she fought and has been clean for a few months i have slowly reintroduced. I wouldn’t let her see her, but calls or even video chat is an excellent first step!
I understand that she is on methadone but it doesnt mean she can keep her wits together enough at this stage to stay away. After this it’s about staying clean on her own free will, see how that goes first!
If the mother is back on drugs she is not changing at the moment. Repetitive negative patterns in a child’s life lead to more negative patterns in the child’s future. Keep her safe, keep her security high. She is obviously not able to associate any happy memories from her mother so it seems like you would be taking a huge step backwards for her by not introducing her to a healthy, stable, better mother.
I think there is another question here. Why is the child still reacting this way after 18 months? Has she been seeing a licensed professional to deal with these feelings? If so, what does the councilor think? The average person, while well intentioned, must understand that they don’t have the skills to deal with a situation like this, a situation that could affect the child and their decision making abilities for the rest of their lives. If you haven’t already seek professional advise. This of course is only my opinion.
If she does not want to see her, don’t make her. To bad bio mom is now thinking of bless her heart and yours.
I feel like i wouldn’t. I’d just keep life as it is. Bio mom or not, she chose addiction over her daughter.
Respect her wishes. If she doesn’t want to see her mom, don’t make her. You can’t even take the garbage out without her by your side. She needs to see a therapist, not her mom. She’s struggling and seeing her mom will likely set her back.
I have a very similar background story myself.
My bio mom used to be on drugs, have different boyfriends (one of whom stomped me to try and get me to stop crying when I was a baby), neglected me (parents would have to bathe me 3 times to get me cleaned), and left alone (yes as a baby) in abandoned homes. Obviously, I was adopted and it probably saved my life. My parents chose to let her have visits with me even though it was a closed adoption. I used to have nightmares and I would PANIC if, for example, my mom would run into the gas station and leave me in the car. My bio Mom was super sketchy in the beginning, wouldn’t come around for months at a time.
Long story short, I’ve been there. Being an adult now, looking back on it… they probably shouldn’t have let her around. I could have found her when I turned 18 if I wanted.
So, I have to say… I wouldn’t let her around. My personal opinion. At least not until she has been sober for at the minimum of a year, has a steady job, home, etc…The child considers you her parents now and feels safe with you. She has stability with you. You should legally be her family.
I dont want to say no dont let bio mom step in for a visit ,but I dont want to say yes either. What does a licensed therapist say is in the best interest of this child? What’s your gut tell you as a caring guardian?
In my own experience. With my 11 year old and her real dad. It hurts her more having him in and out of her life. And being on methadone is pretty much being on the drug it self. You have to think about your 5 year old mental state when and if her mother going to leave again an not come back.
It is way easy just to keep a child away from that then it is when the child is asking why I am not good enough for my mom/dad to be apart of my life.
If the courts were involved, read the documents to see if it has stipulations, if the child is in counseling (which would be recommended) ask the child’s counselor for advice as well. It is a slippery slope and needs to be taken with care (which you seem to be doing already) good luck, I hope it works out for the best.
First check court papers. But I’d wait till shes been on the meds for atleast 3-6 months. Then think about her seeing the kid. Cause she can see her now and got right back to doing what she was and dissapear from her life again and make the little one more upset. Make sure shes actively trying to stay clean
If she was removed through the courts/DSS/CPS she has to go through what they call the steps first before seeing her. As for one of the many that made it out of addiction alive and well and got my kid back trust me she has to be sober before seeing her. I had to drug test before i got my visits. If you test dirty there is no visit. In patient facility might be better for her at this point. The child need therapy. Its called separation anxiety, just because she is 5 years old may not be her mental status at this point because of whats happened to her. Therapy is highly recommended. I had to go through in patient (6 months), out patient (3 months), domestic violence classes, random drug testing and parenting classes. She was not placed back with me until i finished the parenting classes. She was not allowed to stay with me during rehab in patient services. She could visit. first 3 visits were at the CPS office. 3 months supervised, 2 months unsupervised, 14 liberal visits (overnights) per month, then she was placed with me. I had my case closed 3 months early due to good behavior. Its hard but so worth it.
I hope she’s in therapy. I HAD an addict for a mom and my dad took me away when I was 12 because she was abusive. But I CHOSE to leave and move back in with her when I was 16 and she od 8 months later. My point is I couldn’t see her and wanted to even after everything I went through as a child. I personally would let her have contact but make sure she’s in therapy and be honest but never dog her(I’m sure you’re not but it will get harder as she gets older) I thank you for stepping up for this little girl! I pray she can have some sort of relationship with her mom but if she doesn’t then she will have y’all 
Easier said than done, but I would say no.
Allow the visit but remain present at all times. Make sure your daughter knows it’s just a visit and she’s not going anywhere with her bio Mom and that if she’s uncomfortable, say your secret word and you’ll make sure to get bio Mom out. It’s all about reassurance and comfort.
Sounds like some other forms of neglect or abuse happened while in her biological mother’s care. Poor baby 
I say assign therapy to really see what was happening prior to you having her. If it hasnt been done yet I would also take her for a physical to find out if that poor girl was sexually assaulted when her mother was not with her because the way she is acting may indicate she has been… im so sorry
I would not put my child through that until they’re older and can understand their emotions better.
Personally I would contact a child psychologist and ask them how to deal with this without completely destroying the child.
Okay I’m a mom now but I was a child raised and later adopted by my aunt. My advice, supervised visits by you in a neutral place. Like a park or McDonalds play place. No over night visits. And make sure Bio Mom know not to make promises. Not a single one. Because regardless of what you say after or what excuses is given it will break her heart and give her worse trust issues. I would tell bio mom that while she is new in recovery and unstable all visits, gifts, holidays will just be a surprise. No promises till she shows you that she can keep them.
Sorry I know this is a long rant, but even at 30 Married with my own and one on the way this subject brings all the trauma and heart break back.
No, don’t do it. If she is in your custody. If she wants to see her child let her go thru courts.
This is just my personal opinion since I have never been through this.
Bio mums visits should be supervised until you feel your niece/daughter is ready to see her without you and you feel bio mum has proved her commitment to staying clean and doing what’s best for her daughter. You should also get any visitation arrangements approved by a judge, just in case.
You and your husband are wonderful people just for taking your niece in and being honest with her and treating her like she’s your own daughter. Best of luck with everything xx
Not sure I would yet. Maybe at a park or restaurant with play place. Not in the home so she doesn’t have any negative associations.
Here’s what I think based on what I have seen, read and what actual studies that have been done say. DCF has come under fire for quick removals and terminations of parental rights less than 20% of the children taken are subjected to actual physical, emotional, mental or sexual abuse. The other 80% are instances where a family or person has hit a low point and the children are in DCF’s mind neglected. In that 80% are children from parents who are suffering from so sort of medical condition or disease process including addiction. More than 70% of those families if given the chance will turn their life around if provided proper support. Now where do the kids fall? The studies have shown that no matter how far down an addict falls or how far down medically the parents get, children ALWAYS THRIVE BETTER with their biological family in their lives. With that said, if the sister is on methadone and clean, therefore is trying to improve herself if she wants to see her daughter? It’s likely because that little girl is her reason to turn things around. Addicts are judged harshly for mistakes made and yes they are at fault too, but I promise you her Mom cried many nights, many many nights missing her daughter and probably every time used drugs to numb her heartbreak. Further the trauma of her removal? Yes her mother was involved but if you actually watch how DCF removes these kids? You’d see DCF and the removal process is cold and like they take a pair of scissors and try to cut the parental cord with children looking back at their parents wanting to stay. I do not know how bad things got for your niece nor will I ever as I was there, but science has proven over and over and over again that cutting children off from their parents is far more dangerous than letting them have supervised visitation. That is how I would start her visits. Under supervision, and the mother needs to prove he is clean with drug screens and once every 3-6 months, provide a hair sample to prove consistent proof of sobriety. I’m sorry that you guys are going through this… so if your willing start with calls on speaker phone, then after a few weeks meet in public for an hour. As she proves herself and builds trust with you and her daughter then you can decide the limitations or lack there of good luck!!
If you have custody I would say No.
If she wants to see your child, I would tell her.
Hire an attorney.
Prove you are not on drugs.
You take the test.
You pay for the test.
You prove you are stable.
Have a steady job.
Have a decent steady place to stay.
Most likely she can’t/ won’t do any of this.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PROTECT THIS CHILD.
YOU ARE HER SAFETY.
HER SECURITY.
Her bio fucked up and I DONT believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance.
Especially when it’s a 2nd chance to HURT A CHILD.
So many people feel sorry for the bio.
WHY ?
SHES AN ADULT.
I WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE THE CHILD.
I WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD.
STAND YOUR GROUND.
You see every day what she did to this child.
DONT LET HER HURT THE CHILD AGAIN.
Please dont subject her to that.
I would do an outing. Take the kids someplace where she can play and be a kid, and let her go up to her mom when and IF she wants to. Take her to McDonalds play place or something. Give her a distraction and stay with her so she knows shes ok and not alone.
Honestly I would make the bio mom do some serious therapy & make her prove that she is on the right track. I say this from experience w my mother but unfortunately many addicts tend to relapse. But if she has proven to be stable for some time & doing what she needs to be done that is so awesome & then maybe yes I would. I only say to make her work for it because if you let her back into her life & she relapsed again it could be hard on her for her mom to disappear again. It sounds like she has made a life w you guys & it’s really awesome you were able to be there & take her in. I only wish more children of addicts had this opportunity.
I wouldnt until she was clean for a longer time period. The child is five and you don’t want this lady coming in and out
Introduce her by name and don’t tell her at first after so long let her know.
Make an agreement that she is introduced as. Friend until she’s clean for longer
Yes-i had my granddaughter since she was 6 weeks old. I told her mom was sick and couldn’t take care of herself let alone a child. She is 13 now and at 9 she figured out the 'illness ’
I wish someone would have kept me from my drug addicted mother when I was a kid. Instead it has caused a lot of emotional damage for me. Going from a clean, sober mom who I saw often and checked on us 4 kids and held down a job and then when she’d fall off it would hurt pretty bad. Suddenly not getting calls anymore and her disappearing for days, weeks, months, even years at a time. I unfortunately was the oldest and had the greatest understanding and attachment to my mother. I’m now 21 and it still effects me to this day. I wish someone would have kept me from her and saved me the pain.
If the child does not wish to see her the. Do not make the child do it. It will build resentment towards you if you are not careful.
I go through this w my son. I always ask him if he wants to see his Dad, if yes I ask how he would like to go about it. Do you want me present? Do you want a different adult present? (unsupervised is not an option) counseling is a must also if not already. We do supervised visits once a week at our home or neutral place w me present bc that’s what my son prefers. If dad is not consistent or appears to relapse we stop the visits til he’s ready again. My child is safe and protected but still has access to his parent. I do not think addiction is a reason to withhold visits if the child can be safe in the process. My sons psychologist and psychiatrist agree and I generally follow their suggestions on how to put a strong healthy plan in place for him.
I think a child knows the truth in alot of cases if she don’t want to see her bio mom don’t make her
The state unfortunately is in favor of eventual reunification if the biological parent hasn’t signed over their rights and is living clean and sober. If she were to go to court, she could win
So I’d say, start of slow. Don’t let her confuse the child by calling herself her mom. Maybe with a small family lunch that she also comes to. But still surrounded by people she loves and trusts.
And then tell her that if she stays clean and gradually becomes a part of her life (also has the bonus of you getting to see that she is IN FACT clean and sober) then longer visits may be a possibility
If shes on methadone shes not drug free. She is doctoring a problem. I would say 100% clean period. My 2 adopted sons birth mom is an addict. When I adopted them I cut off all contact until shes clean for at least 6 months. No methadone. That’s a bullshit bandaid on a problem
Also to add to what I said earlier… I mentioned that her daughter might be the reason why she went to methadone. I have dealt with this first hand with someone who did turn her life around… At first her reason for wanting sobriety was her child, and that’s great but the truth is they need to want it for themselves and we gave my now recovered friend the best piece of advice in a ALON meeting for family, I said “if your only reason right now if you child and wanting to be better for them fine, great start with that to get you through the beginning of recovery’s door. But once that door is open and your inside, finish for yourself to be your best self, the self you want that child to have. Just wanting it for the children isn’t enough you have to want to be your best to give them your best. She fought hard to get back, and she only relapsed ONCE do you know what happened right before she did? DCF ignored multiple doctors and therapists who verified that the mother was in fact on the right track. For 8 months (her first recovery period and only ‘minus the one lapse’ one at that) she stayed the course and no matter how hard she tried DCF said no, they went to court and the lawyer she had didn’t bring the documents that showed her doing well, she had a great job, a home, everything for the child the doctors agreed as stated above. Well DCF won that round and the worker was cruel to my friend right in front of us she looked at her and said you’ll never have your child I’ll make sure of it!!! People would do anything to have a child of their own and they deserve to be parents yet it’s people like you who have a working uterus and ovaries! She left the meeting and went to get high. It broke her and when I found her she said “she’s right I’m worthless I’d be better off dead” it wasn’t true she was a good person who suffered a profound loss that lead to drug use. We went home got her fixed up paid for a private lawyer and she kicked ass in court. My friend? Is now a PhD in addiction medicine ~ her daughter? Is 17 with acceptance letters to Brown, Yale, UConn ECT. If the department had their way this child would be ageing out of foster care with no where to turn at 18 and would have nothing but the clothes on her back. Like I said do this slowly but try to let the Mom see her or at least take some calls if her only reason for sobriety right now is that little girl let her run with it until it’s for herself ok be her best for her daughter, because if it is for her daughter right now and she gets pushed away? She will feel worthless all over again and then she will likely relapse. She may relapse anyway, but she may not. She obviously values her daughter. Just start slow. And remember it isn’t always black and white answers. My friend above? She saved herself for her daughter because she was a reason to fight. Moms will left a truck off a her hurt child the addictions? Is a Dodge Ram on her back right now and she shaking barely holding on but trying to give her life and breathe for her kid even if you do not see it yet.
Never tell her about pre planned visits, this way if mom slips up or bails altogether she won’t be devastated by it. “we were thinking a visit with mom within the next couple weeks, would you like us to try to set it up?” Leave it at that
Not in your home!!! Lay ground rules (if you must allow this to happen) but make it very clear, 1st time she messes up, it will be her last!! I personally would drug test her 1st before allowing her to see the child. If she can’t pass, It’s a hard Nooooooo!!!
As a foster parent, visits with biomom don’t have to start out in person. Marco Polo app for videos back and forth allow her not to be disappointed and view bio’s messages on her own time and when you’ve prepared her. Then you can graduate to FaceTime and then neutral area like a mcds play place.
Like stated before visits shouldn’t be promised to her, only a surprise. Presents too
Dont do it it will be more painful for the kid when mom leaves again or is in and out of her life. I was in and out of foster care my whole life for the same reasons plus some others and the most painful thing was having to visit my parents and have them make false promises and then go months with out seeing them again
Dont do it
I wouldnt put her through that. What if she relapses and decided to not see her anymore? Itll hurt her all over again.
If she’s having panic attacks and anxiety the way she is now because of abandonment issues from her biological mother, I personally wouldn’t put her through the risk of exacerbating that issue. A lot of ladies have plenty of good ideas on here if you feel differently, but I wouldn’t promise the little girl that her “mom” was coming, just in case she doesn’t. Disappointment is a bitch for little kids to understand. I try to avoid that as much as possible with my own.
Not personally but have with other people same story. I would not till they are sober & prove it(js) 
It sounds like y’all are doing a great job and I only imagine how difficult, yet wonderful, this has been. I wish I had any advice, but since I don’t I wanted to wish your family the best of luck with all of this.
I would go out to dinner with, or some other neutral place where you all can sit and chat. I want to say dont tell her bio mom will be there if she happens to flake and not come…but also think your niece should be prepared beforehand.
I wouldn’t let her until she is clean and has been for at least 6 months (I don’t know why, just what I think I would do) has a job and shows me she is trying to be a better person.
Wow you guys are all acting like the mother of this child is evil. People make mistakes and deserve a chance. Addiction is an evil thing and I know first hand and my family thought it was okay to try and keep my kids from me THANK GOD the courts saw it differently in February I will be clean 3 years, I did stay away for a couple of years because I didn’t want my kids to see me in active addiction and I hate myself for it. But my first year of being clean my family wouldn’t allow me to see my kids or even talk to them although they did not have legal custody if it wasn’t for the Suboxone ( same as methadone) I take I probably would have relapsed every time they wouldn’t let me see my children. My daughter is 21 now and we talk almost every day, my youngest just turned 11 and although he at first didn’t want to see me now he doesn’t want to leave he is happy to have his Mom back. He started out going to there house almost every weekend to visit fast forward to now he only asks to go see them every 2 or 3 months. A few supervised visits won’t hurt in fact if the mother stays sober for her daughter it will be a really good thing. I would let her see her it may be the only thing that keeps her from relapsing.
My advice do it at a facility were it can be monitored so if you need to leave with the child they will understand why l am going through this right now l raise my great nephew l have had him since he was 7 weeks old and he see parents once a week for 2 hours until l get permanent custody of him than it is up to my discretion good luck momma
If the child wants to, I’m failing to see what the question is.
Just keep is supervised.
Has niece blocked out what her bio-mom looks like? I think I would show her a picture and ask if she knows who she is. What is her reaction? Body language? That would guide me about a decision. I also would do a McDonald’s or someplace where niece can play and still see you. Bio-Mom can meet you there. Refer to her by first name, family friend. I remember things from when I was younger, she probably does too. So don’t want a relapse she is doing so well now.
We did an Open adoption and encouraged the girls to talk to their Mother. We had every other visitations for two years before rights were finally terminated. It was always hell afterwards you just have to be there and know you have to deal with behaviors after each visit. It was the worst on the the non-verbal handicapped she would fill her pants the minute she saw her mother. Then all the way home. Have the therapy appointment scheduled for day after visits. Don’t make a play date after visits because you are then devaluing the visit and feeling they are processing after seeing their parents. After the older ones got their driver’s licenses we let them go by themselves it was just to hard on their handicapped sister and she didn’t remember her mother that much anyway. After adoption they made us wait 1 year before we took them to visit. Once the older girls got to college and had boyfriends they didn’t go around her as much she passed about 6 months ago they made arrangements and picked up her ashes but had not seen her in about 9 months and didn’t know she was sick. When young stay in room as they get older let them set the goal. But we had years of therapy. My husband was not always happy with them seeing or having relationships but I felt that they were adopted at 13 and 11 it was important. 10 year doesn’t matter she doesn’t always know any of us. She just wants to be safe. So main point is when with you be constant, steady and sure they can count on you and feel safe. They will see the difference you don’t have to say anything about the birth parents if you do you will regret it.
That’s ruff. I would wait a little longer, and have her prove shes sober. Mainly, to try an avoid the kid getting hurt again. But, when you do go through with it, I think :
No visits in your home, stay in a very public space, dont leave her alone…but allow them to interact without too much interference. Dont tell her about a visit before it happens (incase it flops and then she will be sad).
First of all sounds like your doing a great job dealing with a difficult situation and you have a sound head.
Do the visit in a neutral place so the child doesn’t associate her safe place(your home) with trauma and has her safe place to come back to after.
As only she’s 5 do give her time to prepare for the visit but not too much ie an hour vs a day. When you tell her reassure her that you will stay the whole time with her as she’s bonded with your kids take them too so she has your support and kid support. Having other children will dilute the situation and make it less stressful for her. If you don’t want your kids around the sil I would read that as a red flag and you may want to rethink the whole thing, maybe start with phone calls.
Only use positive words ie I will stay with you not negative words ie I won’t leave you same meaning but worlds apart for children.
Keep the first few visits short.
Thankfully this child has you and your family as her support this situation would be so much more tragic without you. 
Depends…how long has she been “clean”? A month,six months a year? If not very long id wait it out and make sure youre not setting the child up for disappointment. Maybe start w a half hour lunch date or the park,something small. Tough one honestly…
I went thru this with my granddaughter, mother kept on saying she was coming to visit, never did for 6 years , then started calling and talking and did the same crap, didn’t show up. Granddaughter is now 25, and has only seen her mother 4 times since she turned 18. A lot of disappointments and tears. Don’t do it unless your niece wants to see her. Also take her to counseling
Addicts usually always relapse. If the child wants to meet, allow it. But it is VERY IMPORTANT you let her know all the possible outcomes. And tell her no matter what you are there for her and will always love her. My kids have an addict dad… he will be good for 3-6 months at a time. Its a never ending cycle. They love him regardless. You just have to do whats best for yall. Everyone’s norm is different… best of luck and lots of love sent yalls way…
Keep it supervised. Maybe go to lunch or something?
I suggest you go through mediation
I know that’s her mom. But Once you abandon your child just stay away. The kid will be more messed up and adding confusion on top of that.
It would be a good idea to see a counselor about this. Get some perspective and then suggestions for how to go about it, etc.
I don’t know if it’s the right decision or not, there are pros and cons either way. I had an older half sister who got pregnant as a teen, abandoned the baby with my parents, my parents adopted her and raised her, but Mom was in the picture off and on. She made promises she didn’t keep, disappeared at times, popped in and out of her daughter’s life and it really messed with my “sister”. Still does…
At the very least, don’t tell your niece about any future plans and tell her Mother not to make any promises or future plans with the child. All of it goes through you. If Mom tells you she’s going to visit every Friday, YOU plan for that… tentatively and quietly. Have her text when she’s in the car on the way, for example and THEN tell your niece. One of the biggest challenges you stand to face is Mom’s possible instability and that will be devastating for your niece. Protect her from that and if things get bad enough, you might decide this isn’t best for your niece…or maybe all will go well. Either way, plan for the worst.
When you tell your niece, I would tell her that you’re not sure how often she’ll see her Mom and you’ll have to play it by ear. Don’t commit to anything. You may notice your niece act out or act differently after her visits with her Mom if she does see her. It’s normal. Kids don’t know how they feel sometimes or how to express themselves, so they act out. Be prepared. She’ll need stability and firm boundaries about what is expected of her, regardless of what is happening. It’s okay to be sad or frustrated, but it is not okay to yell or throw things or hit someone, etc. My sister would scream “I hate you both!!” and “I want my real Mom!” to my parents after a visit with her Mom. My half sister would promise to buy her things, take her places, etc and then disappear or come up with excuses about why she couldn’t. It was awful to watch.
Good luck to you on this journey. Again, I really recommend a counselor to guide you.
She’s five, U R the adult. I know you love her, but until bio mom gets her shit together leave it be
I’d meet her at the courthouse for a short, supervised visit, or in a public place with another friend or family member there to supervise, be a witness, and keep an eye on bio mom in case she tries to kidnap the girl.
Maybe have your daughter send bio mom a list of questions in advance to guide the conversation, or bring along notes if daughter will be nervous. Or maybe bring along a simple craft that everyone can focus on if conversation is awkward.
I wouldn’t let boo mom anywhere near my house.
Being addicted to drugs is disease. It is just like diabetes or heart disease. You have to take control and monitor it daily before it takes over and runs your life.
You mentioned that she is taking methadone. However, you were vague on her sobriety. (Personally, I feel methadone is trading a street drug for a doctor monitoring one) is she in a program? How long has she been sober? Was she removed by the state? If so, than it’s up to her to petition the court’s and go through proper channels for reunification.
Another suggestion is start the child in counseling. She obviously has abandonment issues. Than have her mother join the counseling session when the therapist says its time.
Speaking as a child that had addict parents, the damage those two people inflicted on me over the years can never be undone, and I wish that someone had stepped in or stepped up to help me when I was a child.
Being on methadone, does not for a second mean she is clean or even that she intends on staying clean.
Personally… I wouldn’t be letting her back into that child’s life on a permanent, unsupervised basis until she had been clean for an extended period of time.
You’re pretty awesome. Your sister in law can fight in court to see her kid. Protect your niece and only let your sister in law back around if you’re totally certain it’s best for the child.
I don’t have any experience on reintroduction, but I do have 2 nephews and a niece who were adopted after being abandoned (literally left in a van in a parking lot!) and know what a horrible transition it is for little ones.
My first instinct is to go with your gut. It seems like you really want to protect her. Tell the SIL that you so not think it is a good idea at this time. Maybe offer to send her some photos. And as your niece grows older, let her know that if she ever chooses to see her bio that you can help arrange it, but if she doesn’t that is ok also!
I say no. If shes on drugs again absolutely not. I would never let my child around someone that is high. They can not contro ltheir actions, and their behavior is altered. There would be no guarantee something would not happen to make her more traumatic.
I would say no, because she’s used to you and you told her who her mom is. I think once the mom is clean but right now… It might do more harm than good.
No! No! No!
It will cause so much emotional issues for the child. Don’t put her through that. I raised my grandson (from birth) 10 years and had zero contact with my daughter during that time. She is now clean and doing good so has been welcomed back in the family. I had adopted my grandson and she lost all rights to him. She now considers him her brother.
My advice is therapy for the child and do not let the mother come and upset her life. You may want to consider filing for adoption so the SIL can never take the child from you in the future. You can file under the pretense of abandonment and get the adoption without her signature. Let the child call you mom if she wants. It’s hard on a child to go through school and life without someone they call “mom”. May God give you peace and discernment to do what is best for the child
Mom needs to be clean first… that is so not fair to the little one…
I totally would not do this. It is so much harder on the child than you think. This may cause more harm than good. And the facts the there will be more questions afterwords.
My friend had a very similar situation and opted not to see the biological mother at all. It’s just too hard.
Especially if the child already has issues with abandonment and being left alone.
Yes I would not open that door unless your made to by law. If something happens you’ll be charged with endangerment, so play it safe and not put this child through this…I’ve walked this road…Good luck.