I have 2 boys, 7 and 9. I was “engaged” to a guy for about 5 years and it ended close to 2 years ago. He’s not the kids dad. I am their only parent since birth but that’s another story. So my kids got close to this guy I was engaged to bc he played video games and was just a big kid and they started calling him dad after we had been together for like 2 years. I was ok with it because we were supposed to get married and he was going to adopt them and become official step dad all that good stuff. Well the relationship ended almost 2 years ago, Due to him lieing constantly and cheating. I was letting him see the kids as often as he wanted because they were devastated. But I refused to let him take them from my sight, so no overnights no visits to his house. He came over here. Or we met at the park. Well that went from 2-3 times a week in the beginning to barely once a weekend if he has time. (Even without a job) Every time he is over here he is playing on his phone, taking over the kids game systems and making them watch him play, or lecturing the kids about how to act. Also they are both hyperactive and the ex can’t handle that and will raise his voice easily. My oldest grunts and groans when I tell him he is coming over. My youngest is just like “ok🤷♀️” and they are both asking when he’s going to leave after like an hour and a half of him being here. So here’s my question. If the kids don’t care and I obviously don’t wanna see him. Would I be a bad person if I just cut him out completely? He’s hateful towards me when my schedule doesn’t work with his and he tells me my kids will hate me and I’m a pos mom and calls me every name in the book and all that. He still tries to claim to be their dad even tho he hasn’t helped even once and has pushed the kids away by being a jerk constantly. My last straw was when he was telling my oldest to cuss and be a person who cusses and my son was so uncomfortable he just stopped talking and went to his room to hide. Like how in the world are you gonna tell a little kid to start cussing to express himself in a more fun way?? That’s ridiculous!! My youngest will probably miss him a little after about a month or so of him not coming over which is why I’m asking for advice. Would I be a POS mom if I cut off the ex completely and it was just me and my boys??
No. He isn’t the bio dad and isn’t respecting your parenting. And then is trying to gaslight you by insulting you and manipulating you into letting him stay around. Cut off the dead beat dead weight. Your kids don’t want him around.
Absolutely not. He’s not their dad biologically & he’s not acting like a Dad either. They’ll be better off if you do it now as opposed to if you wait any longer and things get worse.
Talk to them. It is up to the kids if they want to pursue a relationship or not with him.
The kids don’t want him around and he’s not their bio dad so doesn’t have any rights to them. Cut your losses. The three of you will all be happier!
No you’re not terrible for cutting him out the picture, especially if the kids don’t want to see him. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Cut ties now…
They will fill the void in s more constructive way , he is way too Negative and much for them to handle and he is down right disrespectful and abusive to you. Shut that Door immediately!!! That is best for all 3 of you!!!
Protect your kids.
There is a reason he wasn’t good enough to marry. Also, probably why you don’t have biological kids with him.
You don’t owe him anything but you owe your kids their comfort. They don’t want to be around him and neither do you. If he wants children, he can have his own.
You are not wrong at all. You know what is best for them. Them seeing you allow him to be toxic to you alone is not good but sounds toxic to them as well. They may miss him for a bit as they are impressionable and could just be mentally programmed unbeknownst to even them to tolerate his visits. There is the fact that he is not their biological father so what ever you say goes honestly. Ask them how they feel when he comes over and how they would feel if he stopped showing up. Either decision you make you have to put your foot down about rules and unacceptable conduct. Running and hiding is not a good sign and can be mentally devastating for your son. I’d rather help them through the loss of his presence rather than further mental abuse/manipulation down the road. I pray for you and your boys in this decision.
Tell him! And set some boundaries. I’ve decided we haven’t been together in two years, your visits are infrequent can we meet at the park once a month (then he’s not another child in your house). It’ll probably fizzle out anyway, like it sounds like it practically has.
Why is this even a question? He’s not their father so yeah it’s okay to cut him off from the kids. They’ll adjust to it. He has no reason to be involved with them anymore. He’s only coming around cause he wants control you. It’s a control tactic trust me. If you knows he toxic then keep him away. There’s no reason to question yourself about cutting someone off.
Make him stay away and don’t let your kids call anybody else dad until they are legally adopted
The reasons to maintain a relationship with him now would be to benefit the kids. If the kids aren’t getting a positive affect from the relationship and their experiences with him aren’t them feeling loved and safe. What is the reason for him being in their life now ? You aren’t married, he isn’t their father. I think you’re feeling guilty because you don’t have a replacement Dad. And thinking any Dad that’s willing to pretend to be a Dad is better than none. Just like you deserve more as the person you choose to marry and claim as your lifetime partner by ending your engagement with him. Your kids deserve someone that can be a good Dad, not a place marker of a Dad.
I wouldn’t worry about him or his feelings cut him off. Sounds like he has nothing better to do so he hangs with your boys.
Coming from someone who raises a child with a non-biological parent: He’s not being a good influence so cut contact. When my ex & I split he asked I not take our daughter from him. We didn’t get along at all for a solid 2yrs after our split but we kept it civil for our daughter. He has always maintained to our daughter she is to listen to mom, be respectful, etc. he’s been a good father for her which is not what your ex is sounding like. Talk with your kids about him & what your thinking.
He’s not their dad and they don’t even care if they see him anymore🤷🏻♀️
If your kids have his number in their phones, block that too. He’s not respecting you as a parent and isn’t a parent to your children and they don’t seem to care whether he’s around or not.
NTA. He isn’t their father. He is no longer acting like a parent to them either. He’s not being a good role model or doing anything else. The kids aren’t interested in him being around anymore and he seems to have lost any bond he’s had with them. There’s no real reason for him to come around anymore.
No not at all. If its right for you and your kids do it. Sounds like he is not showing much interest anymore and the kids don’t have such a strong bond with him anymore. If it causes more stress than peace cut him off. Kids will be fine x
Without more information I’d say yeah bye. But honestly I would talk to your kids about how they feel.
Include your kids in this decision and what they want. If they are having trouble deciding cause of conflicts of who they want to make happy then have them write down pro and cons of the visit to help come to a decision that they are comfortable with
They don’t want him around…even if let’s say you did want him around they don’t like it and aren’t comfortable around him, that should be your priority. No more of him coming over change locks if need be or just keep doors locked and windows shut. If he persist call a police officer and tell them he’s being a creepy nuisance and you’ve told him to leave. Your kids are your number 1 priority and all that should matter.
No you should have done it long ago.just beware of him though. He may take revenge. He sounds like a loser. GET yourself some form of protection.
It’s your life. Do whatever you think is best for your sons. This guy has no ties to your boys. Sounds like they’d be better off without him there anyway. Just be a good mom and love your boys.
It doesn’t sound like he brings any value to their lives and cause stress for you and the kids.
Definitely not the A-hole. Cut him out of their lives.
I stopped reading midway why put up with that he isn’t their dad if he treats u badly what makes you think he will not do it to ur kids you’ve pointed out situations you don’t like why put up with it ur kids are old enough to have a conversation with get their input tell them the truth that biologically he isn’t their dad(if they don’t know already)
Ask your children how they feel about him and if they would like for him to still occasionally come around to visit.
He’s not their dad so I would not have him around.
If u cut him he will tell kids bad things if they have phone which is sooo wrong block numbers and yes u should stop visits
Also with your math…engaged for 5, over for 2…. That’s already 7 and your youngest is 7. How you go from having a baby with one man to engaged to another in less than a year??? Come ON
Sounds like your oldest doesn’t like him so go with that kids spot bad intentions from states away
Nope cut him off and never look back he seems very toxic. Do not let ur kids around him anymore girl.
He’s not their bio dad. Has no rights to them. I don’t know what his game is but he needs to play it somewhere else. Go no contact. Tell the kids he’s not their dad and should not address him as one, if they see him again.
Drop him. He is not the dad, doesn’t respect you and your kids seem to be used to just being the 3 of you.
I don’t think they miss him anymore stop the visits they don’t want him there
No! Just cut him off! He’s not a dad in any way shape or form.
No… he has no legal rights to them. If they don’t want to see him. Then cut it off now.
No. In my opinion you would be a very good mom for cutting him off
No just do it and have no regrets . He’s a bad influence . They don’t need that .
Natash I know I screw up but thank to God I got to be a dad and granddad I love you more every day I am blessed
If the kids don’t want him around cut him off asap!!!
Why is there even any debate
No you wouldn’t might even be better off .
No, it’s weird that you even did this to begin with lol.
Nope… time to cut ties
He isn’t the dad he has no rights you did more the most women would have in your situation so yes cut him off
Absolutely not. It would be a different story if he had a proper father/son relationship with the boys, but he doesn’t so yeah I’d cut him off especially since he thinks it’s ok to abuse you.
No I think ya absolutely should cut him out …sounds like he’s not good for them …and I feel if your kids dint seem to care much anymore then it’s time
No, he is a bad influence. He has no legal rights and he obviously doesn’t care to actually spend time with them or he wouldn’t use his phone and their game systems as a distraction, he would spend time paying attention to them if he cared as a father should.
He can beat a trail… if they arent happy why continue…you owe him nothing
Your heart was in the right place and I don’t fault you for that, but yeah, he’s treating all of you like crap, so I don’t see the point in him continuing a relationship with the kids. Especially since the kids aren’t really into it anymore.
I mean if it’s what your kids want how would that be mean or spiteful . I’d give them the option if they wanted to see him, or not, when he reaches out to see them. Ignore any insults.
Ask them what they want (kids) Doesn’t sound like a great person for them to be around anyways
I wouldn’t have that guy anywhere around my kids. He sounds like a real winner:-1:
They’ll be fine. Tell him have a great life.
Absolutely not. Let him go no one not even children needs the Negativities
Tell him to kick rocks!
If he is talking to you that way and is not a good role model for your kids even as a friend then I’d put a stop to it period. I’d just tell him that #1 you are not going to tolerate his disrespect and rudeness ever again let alone allow your children to see that and #2 I’d be honest and tell him that he is such an a**h%#@ when he does come over the kids are to the point where they’re not even interested in seeing him. I’d be done with all that stale drama for sure. Move on
Cut him off!!! He is not their Dad. He is only hurting your boys. Get out now. Children that young will adapt. Just show them how much you love them.
He’s not their Dad. He is not currently and never even was your Husband… He has no legal rights to visitation. He’s abusive to you and a bad influence on your kids. If you need permission to cut ties - you have it. Cut him out.
Personally id ask the children how they would feel first…
But if they have no care to be around him …id cut contact and let him know exactly why.
Youre not wrong.
Just make sure its what your babies want first.
Cuz if they do see.him as a dad, they should have input.
Block ,delete move on . But something tells me he wont respect but for the sake of your self install cameras for safty
Than just move along hea not he kkds dad and he deff dont seem like a great role model
No. Cut him out and block him on everything and get a new number
Cut him off he is toxic
Why is this even a question?
Cut him off. Teach your kids that you are the permanent parent. That people come and go out of our lives good or bad. It’s not healthy that people hold on to toxic relationships just because
Cut him off immediately
THERE is NO REASON to have him in your lives.
I’d cut him out. He’s doing more damage than good
Plain and simple. He isn’t doing right by them so cut him off. Even if he were bio dad, if he ain’t trying to be a good influence and do right by the kids, why keep them around?
Nope. Not with that nonsense. Like
If he keeps harassing u get a restraining order
Ask your kids and their decision is the verdict, which by the sounds of it you already know what they’re going to say… I’m just amazed that you let this toxic situation go on so long
It was a recipe for disaster from the minute you moved a man in who isn’t their father down to your being petty and demanding he see them in front of you because you couldn’t let go of the relationship and NOW you care if you’re the asshole? Confusing. Let your children decide and then back their play. You put them in this situation and it’s about them, not you how he did you or literally anything about you and then NEXT time…get the commitment before moving someone in and letting your children call them daddy.
No you can cut anyone out of your kids lives at anytime, it’s not healthy for them to de around toxic people.
NTA he’s not trying to a dad or part of your kids lives. He’s using them to stay in control of you. Get rid of him. Explain respect & that you need to get rid of disrespectful people to your boys.
You should have cut him as soon as you broke up with him
Nope. He’s not a biological parent. He has no rights to your kids. They don’t need him.
If your kids don’t want to be around him then tell him.
He’s bad influence for the kids. No one would tell the kids to start cussing. Cut him off. The kids don’t feel comfortable around him anyway. Why make your own kids uncomfortable in their home just for a ex your kids feelings matter first
You must be nuts. Get him out off your house and out of your life. He’s a jerk. You all deserve better.
I would get the kids opinions straight up, but it sounds like there wouldn’t be any real loss.
Kick him to the curb asap!
He has no legal say so and no actual “Dad” bond with them. So, cut him loose. If he gets crazy, get a 50B to keep him away.
No your not the ass he technically has no rights because he isn’t their dad
Cut him off . No questions ask
hell no should have long ago
No. Not a pos, just a good mother protecting her children!
No, he is unhealthy for them and that is what matters.
Cut him out before he hurts the kids
He needs to be gone. He is using you and the kids. It seems to me he just cares about their games. Tell him to get lost
Cut ties it’s best to . Your show your kids live go on with out some people in your life .
No you should answer this yourself after you’ve had so many red flags ie the way he treats you and also how he treats your children he more toxic to your children and do it for them and if he gets dangerous warn him of with the police, he not the biological dad he the past and should stay the past, if the children start to miss him and want see him do the meet ups in a cafe a public setting where this guy can’t get away with his bad treatment to you all cause you can walk away
And I know people will suggest asking the children, but I made this mistake concerning a ex who wasn’t my children dad, and at time my children even though much older then yours had said yes they still want me to get back with my ex, but I found out later they hadn’t really wanted me to, as they didn’t like him and he was a nasty piece of work he was harmful to my children behind my back, I asked my children at time when I found out what he been doing to them I found out at police station as they confess there, why did they say yes for my ex to return to me and get back together, and it was because they loved me and wanted me to be happy putting, selfless act that brang us grief putting there mother before there pain, I can’t go into to detail s on what he done but I regret to this day taking him back into our life’s, so I suggest that you break this negative contact with him and if things get bad he gets nasty get police involved
it’s more than ok. you’re sons are even telling you in their own way that they don’t want to be around him.
It does not seem like there is any reason to keep this man involved in you or your children’s lives￼
Actually, you asked … here it goes. You’re the POS if you continue to let him come around. Your children will be resentful if you continue with him coming around.
Put a period and all of you move on. The kids will get over it better than you they are very resilient and it sounds like they are done with him as well.