I'm in my 30s, single never been married or anything remotely close to that even, no children and also not planning to date any time soon. I don't go out with guys at all. Even when interest is shown, I abruptly get rid of them and although to some this may sound like no problem, it affects me emotionally on another level. Mainly makes me feel like I'm not a proper woman.
I’m definitely not gay so that is not the issue either. I find men very attractive, but once attention is put on me I run.
I was sexually abused for a very long time as a child by a close family member. I don’t know if that is the reason I run from a relationship, but it makes me feel like I’m broken in the sense of I’m not a proper woman who is able to love a man or have children etc. When I think of the idea of marriage it sounds like a fairy tale and that it would be amazing to finally find a partner suitable for me and build a family, but when I’m honest with myself, that idea scares me, I don’t feel up to it, I don’t feel the urge to be a mother. Not that I don’t like children, it’s just I don’t have the need for a child and I run from men who show interest because usually they only want one thing anyway, which I refuse to give.
What scares me is will I always be alone then? Men want a willing woman who will please him and be mother to his children. Although I am straight and interested in men, I don’t feel enough of a woman to let a man near me or put up with the drama they could cause anyway. I can’t relate to anyone around me with their lives because they’re all married and have children. Will I always feel like I’m broken as a woman?
I would go to therapy. I’m sure what you went through effected how you are today. A lot of people that have experienced trauma can push it away and it’ll come out in different ways. So I think it would be worth it to talk to someone, someone who knows how to help you rebuild whatever it is that you need. Even just talking about the experience can help a lot, your body stores stress & trauma.
If you haven’t been to therapy for your trauma go. If you are going, try to address these issues. Trust is hard. Especially when you’ve been let down so badly by your own family.
I think it has everything to do with you being sexually abused by a close family member. It sounds like you don’t want to get close to a man because of what happened to you. Have you tried any therapy to work through this?
I’d suggest getting in therapy because right now you are the scared little girl who was abused. Until you manage that and cope with that, a real relationship may not be as easy to get into as you’d think.
No you’re not broken. As a fellow abuse victim, it takes a lot to find a way to allow yourself to be vulnerable after those experiences.
You are not broken. You don’t need anything just because everyone else has it. If you are happy on your own, be happy on your own. You are amazing in your way. You are strong. And you definitely don’t need drama !
I’m going to say this in a non-judge mental way because I do not mean it to be judge mental at all. I am a firm believer in therapy and that it is helpful. I myself go to therapy to trauma. I feel like this is a definite step in the right direction for you and that you should at least take some advice. Not everyone wants to be a mom and that is totally 100% OK. Fear of companionship due to abuse you yourself said you have gone through isn’t healthy. Everyone deserves to feel safe or secure whether alone or in a relationship. From this post I feel you aren’t accepting of yourself, which leads me to believe you aren’t happy you’re this way. So my advice would be to seek some help to work through these issues. I feel like a lot more of us should seek the same help but are afraid to. It is ok to feel this way and it is ok to seek help or answers. Hugs.
If you’ve never gone to therapy over the abuse, that’s probably the best place to start. As someone told me when I said I was broke “you’re not broken. Bent maybe, but certainly not broken”. You suffered a trauma as a child and probably have zero trust in anyone. Especially men(if it was a man who abused you) . You are worthy of all good things including love
Not All men want kids. Make it loud and clear at the beginning. Most older guys don’t want them either. Go to therapy but do know your not alone. My mom won’t date and hadn’t it 20 some years she will never. She is happy being alone.
You being able to write it down and share your story on social media is a huge step. In the right direction. You figure out what healthy healing methods that help you . Humans if they put in the work they can turn any situation around. Don’t compare your journey to anyone’s else’s. heal for yourself. One day you’ll have everything you desire. I hope it all works out for u. At the end of the day we’re alive. Air In our lungs. Don’t let the darkness win. You’re more precious than gold. You’re someone’s soul mate.
You’re not broken. Some women don’t become mothers and that is okay. If you are not feeling the calling to have a Child. DONT. And most definitely don’t do it for a man. You are not broken you are still healing. Someone terrible did some intense damage on you and I am so sorry but you’re not broken. You are you. And everyone’s life and journey is different. You may find a good man one day and be happy but don’t down yourself for running from men right now. To be honest. Relationships these days lean toward the negative and there are a lot of shitty men out there trying to date you (women as well). Don’t feel bad for running. For all you know your instincts are going off and you’re saving yourself. I firmly believe if the right person comes along you won’t be able to stay away. Maybe in the beginning but eventually their genuineness will show through and you will know. I am single. Happily because of all the shit I have dealt with and all the shit I do not want to deal with. It’s a scary choice to date in this world and society today. A proper family sounds like a fairy tale to me too. But I don’t believe that it will never come true. I just know that I’m probably not gonna find Prince Charming if I’m out there specifically looking for Prince Charming. Do you. Love you. Spoil you. Don’t worry about anyone else right now. The right things will happen at the right time
This makes me sad! There is one man that you can turn to and his name is Jesus. He can take what is broken inside of you and make you whole with or without a man. You sound like you are very defeated and without hope or Joy. There are no external fixes only internal. The name of Jesus can and will turn things around for you all you need to do is ask.
I’m 46, 2 kids ages 27 and 17. I understand how you feel. I honestly didn’t want kids, I’m not really kid friendly but shit happens and for me abort*on isn’t an option. I’ve had relationships but the smallest thing that annoys me will end it. I’ve been single bow almost 6yrs and I’ve come to understand that I’m ok with being alone. I’m at peace when I’m not in a relationship. I don’t think it makes us “broken”, just different. It’s ok to be different good luck, stay strong
You have two choices: get over your fear, or don’t. But one choice has good potential, the other doesn’t. When you look at it like that, it all becomes clearer.
no your not broken at all . I’m in a relationship and got one child with this person and feel exactly the same way not even sure why . maybe you’ve had trauma when you was to little to remember anything . I’ve been referred to the mental health team for this issue and others as well as am sick of feeling like this
You need therapy. Your ideas on what men want are very religious which is abusive to women. You’re not a sex object or a breeder. You don’t owe anyone anything. I really urge you to get therapy
There is nothing wrong with not being married with children, but it seems to me that that ideal is your desire. It’s definitely achievable if that’s what you want, and it’s never too late. You just need to find a way to feel safe with men, which right now you definitely don’t. I agree with everyone about therapy. You can do anything you put your mind to. You need to do a lot of self exploration as to your fundamental beliefs about men in general, and then about men and sexuality.
Maybe counciling/ therapy may help you get past your past & help you move on with your life, but i think everyone finds someone when they are ready theres no time scale on life, im 26 with two kids, first child i fell pregnant at 18, no way near ready to become a single parent but life does funny things & its all worked out in the end xx
Look, do what you feel is best for you. Don’t let societal Norms make you feel pressured to conform to the white picket fence ideaologies. Because the whole man/kids thing can be wonderful…BUT it can also be super overwhelming, stressful and depending dangerous. I am a mom of soon to be 8 kids. I love all my kids to death, I would die for them without hesitation…However, their births DID further complicate life as well as tied me to some horrible men that didn’t show true colors til I had the kids. I would honestly rather be alone than to be tied to a man a minimum of 18years of my life per child who treats me awful. Everything has ups and downs. Some people have kids and everything is wonderful, wonderful spouse…But every life has it’s own hardships and battles. YOU are whole by yourself! You ARE a proper woman full of strength, beauty, and intelligence. Men and children DON’T make you worth it, YOU are valid and WORTH it already, they just help make it FEEL like life is more worth while to some. Your life is priceless and however you choose to spend it…It is ALWAYS valid, worthy, proper and amazing and it is only for YOU to decide. Find your happiness and run with it!
Therapy as well as survivors groups will help you process some of what you’ve been through💞 It could be a lot deeper than just the sexual assault also but that could factor in too. We are complex beings and it’s not easy to do our internal work but it’s very rewarding once you begin to🙏
Girl!!! You’re not broken you have morals boundaries and respect for yourself don’t ever let that go away… The right man will come along , don’t settle.
You was hurt when you was little and you don’t feel like you can trust anyone but you can.and you are not broken at all I know how you feel because it happened to me when I was little it does help when you talk to the right person right now you probably feels so alone but you are but you are not alone it took me a good while to get over it
You’re not broken, it’s a defense mechanism and honestly, your intuition is probably spot on. Nobody wants to admit that most men are actually abusive either mentally, emotionally, sexually or physically and very few are actually worthy of even communication let alone dating. I’m sure if you met a decent man, your defenses wouldn’t be up so strong. Trust your intuition, there is nothing wrong with you…
Being sexually abused as a child has a huge impact on some of us re a relationship , it effected me and still does, I was abused from the age of 7 until 10 yrs old by my mother’s boyfriend, I’ve always had issues I’ve been married 3 times and here I am single again, therapy may help you greatly , it didn’t help me much, I feel for you
You don’t need to be married or a mother to feel fulfilled.
If you like children but don’t necessarily want your own, have you considered fostering? I have a feeling you would feel far more fulfilled doing something along those lines.
First of all, you’re not broken. It sounds like you are having difficulty coping with trauma. You have a fight or flight response to things now due to the things you endured as a child. Your trust in men have been broken due to the things men in the past have exposed you to, men that were trusted at that. You probably see the perpetrators in different perspectives. The first being, of course, a sick person or even a monster. But the other is that they were probably very charismatic and loving when they weren’t doing the bad things. You now see a man’s charm or loving nature as maybe false and are unable to trust that they are all good. The trauma has disoriented your views on others and your ability to trust and has now caused you to push people away. I definitely advise seeing a therapist to be able to dissect the trauma in depth and to learn coping mechanisms and how to rationalize properly.
I think your priorities are on point! If you are still healing from past traumas, you are in no place for a serious relationship or children anyway. Go you for being able to see that! I would suggest getting some therapy for the trauma. You’ll find that once that is figured out, you will view people and relationships in a new light! You are number 1. You are not a broken woman. You are a HEALING woman.
Going to therapy may help but its not because you are a broken woman. Your worth is not tied to having a man or a child. You are worth so much more. If you lead a happy life then good. If you are struggling with yourself, go to therapy for you. But only so you can be happy and live a life that fulfills you. Not so you can find a man and pop out a kid. Plus, most men complain that in the dating pool they only find women with kids, so think of yourself like a unicorn.
Look my sister is 35 and has never had a boyfriend never been on a date and has zero desire to she doesn’t want kids because well she has mine lol she graduated from hanover college on the deans list every semester she still lives with mom and dad she helps them financially she is a loan officer at a local bank and she doesn’t have any child hood trauma like you its just that she has no desire to be like everyone else she has always walked to a different beat lol and she is happy and content she says she has all she needs and wants except for she spoils my girls and I have to deal with the after math haha but just telling you this because she isn’t broken she is happy with life at this time maybe one day it will change but for now she is happy maybe this is you but I also agree that therapy would definitely be a great start to help you figure out if this is the case with you as well
You are not broken, far from it. What you think is “broken” might be standards of things that you are not willing to do or give up, and that’s OK. If you don’t feel inclined to be a mother that’s OK too. There is no book or guide to living. As long as you are not hurting anyone else, and you are true to yourself then you are fine. You will be able to date when you are emotionally and mentally ready. However, sexual abuse is a form of trauma and you need to work that out in therapy and move forward with your life. It’s about accepting what happened and not letting it take anymore power from you. You want to take the power away from it. Best of luck. <3
I have RAD and it was caused by years of abuse. I know the signs now and when anyone gets close I push them away still to this day. It might be worth going to therapy for. It can help.
You need therapy for your trauma! ASAP Not only were you abused but you have formed unhealthy ideas (probably due to the abuse) about men and their wants. My 30 year old and honestly several of his former classmates (males and females) have no interest in having kids. You are not broken. But you are showing definite signs of PTSD. I agree with the others in that you need to learn how, who, and why to trust… starting with trusting yourself. Because you need to feel safe and based on what you’ve said…You Do Not. That was taken away from you.
I stopped at abuse…
You need help. 100% You are acting on your trauma response and it’s time you dealt with it.
In not way am I saying you need marriage to be happy. But you should be free to date and be comfortable when a male asks you out.
You can do the work and move forward or you can stay where you are.
Trust me when I say, the work is worth it. You are worth it.
You had a traumatic thing happen sweetie❤ lets get one thing straight…you dont need a man or kids to be a woman! I know it sounds cliche but You can be a proud independent woman! You dont need someone else to rely on or for them to rely on you! Some people stay by themselves their whole lives and thats ok and that is their choice! Your life is up to you. Dont let the typical housewife/mother stereotype make you believe you need all that! You do what YOU want in your lifetime and what makes you happy.
You are aware of how you feel. If you are asking for answers on FB you realize you will not get them. There are counselers, covered by insurance that are available for your time frame. Please take advantage of someone who can help you.
I believe truly, with all my heart, this is something best suited for a psychologist. Not a psychiatrist, you don’t need medicine for this, That I know of. But a psychologist would be able to pinpoint where this anxiety is coming from. And give you tools to overcome that.
Please seek counseling . Your a wonderful women and You don’t need a man or child to make You so. Yes ,Your past is part of these feelings. Find a counselor You feel comfortable with . Good luck ,much love !
God bless you on your healing journey. A high percentage of women have similar issues. (Some men do too). Even if you decide never to date, you need healing and to understand you were hurt, cheated of your innocence and you have the right to be angry. Prayers
I apologize but I stopped reading as soon as you said you were abused. No matter what type I feel therapy will help. And maybe that is what is needed. It is definitely effecting your relationships.
Therapy. I have several ptsd and anxiety also agoraphobia I’m finally seeking help to where I can go to work comfortably and leave my city but if I have to cross the boarder to any other state I completely freak out. And as for dating it was to the point I only used men for six because my whole life that’s all they did to me bur with therapy I can now have a healthy relationship
Don’t look at yourself as being “broken”. See yourself as someone who knows their worth. It’s very hard putting your guard down when you’ve been through so much! Maybe try counseling to work through your trauma
You need therapy! You’re strong and I’m sure there’s someone out there for you but all the pain and trauma needs to be taken care of so you can move forward in your life, I hope in the individual who hurt you is robbed of his life and long painful death
Therapy with a sexual assault therapist! I’m serious it helped so much when I was coming to terms with what happened. Now whether you marry, have kids, long term date or just be with yourself that’s all ok if it’s it’s what you want! I hope your journey to a healthier you isn’t so tough. And remember to be gentle with yourself!
Oh babe I feel the same as you but I have children but am currently going through divorce ! I have said to myself it’s time to speak to someone who doesn’t know me ! Have you considered this too maybe ? X sending a hug xx
You need to talk this through with a professional, not on Facebook. A professional could help you with the trauma you received as a child from the abuse. Please reach out to someone. You deserve to be happy and live a fulfilled life.
There is nothing written that says we need to get married to a man and have kids and be an awesome mom. That’s not always in the cards for some people. IF these things bug you, talk to someone. Like a Councilor maybe. There is many effects to our brains and body’s when sexual abuse has occurred. That needs to be addressed. I know we carry on in life and think we are managing ok. It wasn’t until I started therapy that I even realized how traumatized I was from my experiences. Do it for you though! Not for something you think you should be. It won’t work otherwise. Be kind to yourself and be proud of where you are. You made it this far so good for you
For the right man youre all the woman you will ever need to be.
Childhood abuse stays with us for life…but we can make a happy fulfilled life for ourselves
Personally I didnt have therapy but did manage to move forward. I did marry and have children…my husband was not a good man…now im a lot older than you but truely happy alone with 2 children and 3 grandchildren. I wont ever remarry or have a man in my life.
Not everyone can get there alone…youve taken the first step to getting help. Now go to a Dr you trust and get referred for therapy.
You may never marry and thats fine if you’re happy…but you can learn to accept what happened and forgive yourself…never your abuser…I was young but lived with guilt for many years. As if I should have been strong enough to stop it and instead just let it happen.
The guilt and hate have gone and I forgive me…now you must too and that may take therapy.
Therapy is good but you could also be asexual. I was sexually abused and I was the complete opposite then you sweetie I was looking for love is all the wrong places then I truly found it. And if you don’t know what asexual is it’s a low or lack in sexual relationship. There isn’t a problem with that I know a few people like that. I would try therapy and they will help
You are not broken you have a lot of trauma to process and that can take a long time but please don’t feel like you are broken I’d seek therapy it can be extremely helpful seek a therapist that specializes in women of sexual abuse and don’t feel rushed when the time is right you will date you’re still young… You got this!!
I think she has a desire for family & closeness because thou she expresses otherwise, it is her main thing her subconscious brings up.
I definitely believe she wants to understand how everyone else can feel that love & closeness but is unsure about herself.
I’d suggest a therapist who works with situations like hers so she work through her mental trauma & love herself better then decide what she wants to do as time goes on but first she needs the ability to move on for herself
Men are nothing but stress anyway it’s actually statistically proven that single women live longer. On a serious note though, you went through a lot. You aren’t broken. You’re just healing from trauma. Are you in therapy?
Your definitely not broken. You had a scary start in life and that cause trama and maybe depression. You don’t have to focus on trying to find a partner if your happy the way things are. You can focus on yourself first and go to therapy to help you. It’s not to late for a child, heck, my aunt got pregnant again at age 45, so you’re definitely not running out of time. Your strong the way you are. I get that your scared of being used. There are a lot of guys like that, but there are also good guys too. Just work on you and what you want out of your life. Good luck.
I think we as women feel a lot of pressure to have kids and a family. Please do not think of yourself as less than because you do not want those things. But the issues you have with the abuse, you should seek therapy for, but not for anyone else but yourself.
Girl you are not broken, you are human. When you have something tragic or horrific happen to you as a child by someone you thought you could trust it bares on you as you continue to grow. Say this with me. It was not your fault and it had absolutely nothing to do with you. This person made the choices to violate your privacy. I think when you ask if you’re broken you are in the sense that by reading your post you haven’t even tried to heal. You have to forgive yourself for thinking it was your fault. Guilt does a lot to a person. You can not move on in life if you don’t heal from what hurt you. My suggestion is 1. Write in a journal, be open and honest about what happened to you and how it made you feel. 2. See someone. Talk with them openly and raw it’s easier because it’s not someone that knows you, also be picky about it. Not all therapists are good. 3. Burn the journal when you’re done writing in it… Everything you are feeling is normal in a traumatic childhood. I’ve been there myself. Believe you will get through it and will heal but you have to allow yourself too.
First off there is no definition of being a woman other than having a vagina, and feeling like your body is correct with a vagina. Secondly, if you’re worried about you behavior when it comes to men I suggest you see a therapist. There could be a deep rooted issue there that you need to get passed to let someone in. If you are ok with your reaction to men and you are happy on your own and WANT to stay alone there is nothing wrong with that. But yeah, women are many different things with many different personalities, many different lifestyles and choices. Its not a one size fits all.
First of All Stop thinking you’re broken. (I identify with the molestation and even sexual abuse from my ex) so I had to unlearn every thing society and life circumstances had taught me up to the age of 45 for me. And for me it took God’s strength in me to do that work. It’s still a process. 2nd your last part sound to me you have something impressive in you that won’t let you settle or be pressured into giving yourself away to anyone until you are ready and find a worthy partner. I know it’s lonely to be single even for me now. But I remind myself…for me I enjoy my life. I don’t want to compromise or tolerate another man’s drama.
Children aren’t for everyone, and that’s okay.
As someone who went through sexual abuse as child too, it’s hard. Your subconscious is probably terrified of men/sex which is perfectly understandable. If therapy is available to you I recommend it. Especially EMDR therapy, it’s hard work because it’s specifically going through those traumatic moments and reprogramming your brain to feel something else when you think of that. But it’s worth it and it does work.
I hope that no matter what, however your life ends up, you can find peace with it. You deserve peace.
good luck, stay strong
it’s actually statistically proven that single women live longer. On a serious note though, you went through a lot. You aren’t broken. You’re just healing from trauma. Are you in therapy?