Am I doing something wrong as a stepmom?

I took my step daughter out for a hair cut yesterday. Before we went for this hair cut she was asked to do the dishes she ignored me 3 different times. She didn’t have an attitude until after her hair cut and then when I picked my husband up from work she started with her attitude and I politely reminded her to do the dishes again. Then I asked my husband to remind her 10 minutes after we got home. She started with her attitude and left a bin of summer clothes on top of a dresser near a light and I asked her to take the down twice and got ignored what do I do? Am I doing something wrong?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I doing something wrong as a stepmom?

Do you have other kids lol
Mine are all like that have to keep reminding them and sometimes have attitude issues
Be firm :heart: good luck mom

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This is unfortunately normal kid behavior. Next time I would recommend not taking them for the haircut until it’s done as now the child has exactly what they wanted and didnt have to do the work to get the thing they wanted.

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Welcome to motherhood

How old is she? My 16 yr old is line this. I constantly have to remind him. U are not alone.

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All kids are like this lol

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I gave mine wine the first day I met her… yesterday…but the age is fine for wine

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Have her dad take her over to the sink to wash the dishes. Don’t ask. Make her do it in front of you or him.

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Raising teens is no picnic

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i agree with Ashly CA, an now she’s gonna think she can get whatever she wants without having to do anything for it cause you took her to get that haircut regardless of her ignoring to do some chores.

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Have her dad start taking things away she don’t wanna follow the rules

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It is somewhat normal kid behavior…but her dad needs to intervene to make sure it is nothing more. And if dad is leaving all the discipline up to you… he is setting you up for failure.

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They are all like that :joy: if that’s the only issue I think you’re good. Just talk to her about helping you and her dad out alittle. :woman_shrugging:t3:

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Step parenting can be a pain in the a**

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How old is she? I literally have to tell my 17 year old at least 3 times to do something. It’s defiance and I’m sure it’s nothing you’re doing at all.

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Next time don’t ask. And that’s tough for me to say because I’m big on “if you want respect you need to give it” but if they’re blatantly disrespecting you after you’ve done your part to be respectful, you need to speak in a matter of fact manner and put your foot down. Your the adult/boss, not her.

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She is testing you thats all. She is doing this to see how far she can push it. Stay firm and give consequences for not following through after you told her for the 4th time. Dont ask her to do something tell her. Have her dad speak to her

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Teenagers got to love ‘em :joy:. Can’t even get mine to take the trash out….

Your husband is. He needs to sit her down and let her know that she is to respect you in your home.

No! But, she is. That’s disrespect. She’s pushing those boundaries to see how far she can get w/o punishment and your letting her. Tell her she gets nothing until she’s starts minding. no friends .no outings. Fir every time she doesn’t mind take something from her room. Tell her she can earn it back. Take her phone. Anything to get her to cooperate. Sit her down and tell her this is what will happen and she has one chance to get in there or it’s gone. Don’t let her push you and control you. Let her know who’s in charge.

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How old is she? She sounds like quite a normal kid if she’s nearing or in the teenage years. Testing your limits etc

Sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband about her helping out around the house, clearly she is old enough if she is being asked to do the dishes. Start giving her consequences like taking things away, grounding, not being allowed friends over or over to friends houses etc

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Pushing boundaries. That’s children for you. It will take both of you to have her straightened out. If only he does it then you will lose all authority in her eyes and she will continue to disrespect. So, what needs to happen is you talk with your husband. When you ask her to do something and she doesn’t or has an attitude then he needs to say, “you heard what she said, let’s get it done!” He needs to remind her that she needs to do as you ask. What you’re asking is nothing out of the normal.

No. This is something even non step parents deal with. My husband can take away all their stuff if they don’t listen and ground them, and they still don’t care. It’s normal. Stay strong your doing nothing wrong

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My step daughter is 10 and the same way.

Uh… hair cut is the reward, should have come after the dishes.

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Have hubby deal with her

I can imagine its hard. I have to yell at my kids to help me with house chores… I imagine step parents…

Tell her father to parent his child.

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The first thing you did wrong was take her for the haircut. If she is not going to contribute to the house hold chores she should not be rewarded. Also, don’t let a child disrespect you EVER😎 No respect then no rewards from me period!

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Sorry my house, my rules

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She’s testing her limits. All kids do it. You have to put your foot down

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Sounds like a normal kid to me lol :woman_shrugging:
I have to ask my teenager to take the trash out at least five times

I stopped parenting my step kiddos.
There dad tells them what to do around the house and does the disciplining if need be. This was suggested thru our family counselor we see. Mine are teenagers as well, and they felt as I was trying to take their moms place by asking them to do things.
Understandable. I didn’t listen to my step dad growing up and went to my mom for everything.
So in our home there dad is the main source for them. I will occasionally remind them and be like “remember your dad wanted you to do dishes, laundry, etc etc” whatever chore. And they respond to me a lot better and has actually helped our relationship.
I still care for them, there needs/wants, school, help with homework, chat with them about their day or anything in general, do activities with them.

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That’s part of the problem… don’t ask her… tell her

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My bio daughter does this.
She gets three reminders/warnings.
If it’s not done then a privilege is taken away until the next day and she only gets it back if her chores are done though.
So a privilege for her is like
Dessert after dinner
Her tablet
Netflix
Her skateboard
Etc

A big one here is keeping her room tidy which we do together because I know she struggles and gets overwhelmed with it

But all the rest like dishwasher, tidy the lounge, clear the table, pit her washing away is all on her if she decides she doesn’t want to that’s fine but she gets no privileges until she decides to do them

I also have a step daughter and same rules apply for when she’s here

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Take privileges away with her dads consent

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for every thing she doesn’t do - reply in kind if she doesn’t then you dont do something she wants, a lift? no you are too busy, a meal? no sorry her dish wasn’t cleaned from last time! don’t pander to her she got to learn

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Nothing you are doing maybe. Thats the nature of the teens. They usually outgrow it. You will survive.

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Its typical but i would have your husband back u up on this because u don’t want to over step and then you know child goes back to mom and makes your husband mad but they also need to learn to listen to you

As a stepmom also, this is common I feel. My bonus child is the same way when it’s just he and I (ignoring, attitude ect) But is a complete angel when Dad is around, but not always.

Just talk with your hubby, make him aware and tell him to call a “Family meeting” like we’ve done! It may not always work, but it’s worth a shot.

Hang in there mama :two_hearts: You got this!!

I’d be like yo homie, why are the clothes still there, why are you throwing me shade and being #emo ? Is this your way of telling me you hate your hair cut ? Did I upset you ? Is this an act of defiance ?

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Stop seeing urself as a step parent it looks like u take care of her alot so parent xd

Sounds like a normal teen, nothing to take personally

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This is probably when she will need you the most. Maybe try to have a heart to heart with her and see where that goes. Sometimes kids rebel when they’re emotionally not well. Don’t give up on her and just show her you care.

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As a person that had a step parent , I adv having the bio parent give the expectations and consequences. As the step parent you can support your spouse and be a kind helpful but dont get emotionally used by a teenager.

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Teenager? It’s called selective hearing…

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Pick and chose your battles with her. How old is she? Kill her with kindness.

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I’m in the same boat… but with a boy. I can ask him to do something a hundred times and get ignored. I’ve tried offering things as a paid chore and it doesn’t work either. And it’s completely irritated me to no end. Same thing happened with his older sister, she even physically attacked me… my advice is TRY to get dad to make sure the kids know they have to listen to you as well as much as him.

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Nahh that’s just kids for ya haha try not to let it affect you. My daughter threw her phone on the road (smashing it) because I tried to take it off her for hitting her brother. She also jumped out the window trying to run away because she wanted to hang out with her friends and not isolate while she had covid :roll_eyes::woman_facepalming:t4:

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You’re not doing anything wrong. But that kind of disrespect and disregard for you is not ok. You need to ask your husband to have a talk with her, and have him address it. Trust me when I say that many young daughters will either see you as competition for their daddy’s attention, feel they may be betraying their mother, or feel its perfectly fine to disrespect you because they don’t value your part in the family unit. Is she typically allowed to ignore her father in the same manner? If so that needs to be nipped in the bud. Simple requests that you mentioned shouldn’t be allowed to just be ignored, that a complete show of disrespect. Teens will be teens, but if she doesn’t treat her father this way it shouldn’t be allowed towards you. If she isn’t held responsible for what is asked of her you may end up raising an entitled brat. Responsibilities help shape the young adults they will become. It’s your home also and you need to demand she respect you and honor simple requests asked of her.

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Sounds like a typical kid

Look into nacho parenting

This isn’t a “step parent” issue lol it’s a teenager issue. Totally normal moody teenage behavior, not saying it’s ok by any means but you’re not doing anything wrong momma :heart:

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Well its not you shes going to push boundaries, you did the right thing by asking her so many times then going to her dad then asking dad to step in .you should have a chat with dad to have a respect chatt with her to listen to you and do as you ask

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Maybe she misses her mom …

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I do my house chores, and if the kids want $$ then I let them do it. They have school and sports and jobs so they are just as busy as me. I like to do stuff for them and give them a break. But when I’m tired, they notice and they do it for me. I work full time too and am a single mom raising 3 teens. I tried the hollering and the taking things away and it doesn’t work. If they see me lead and give and help, they lead give and help in return. They are going through so much just dealing with school and hormones. I know having a space to come to and relax with out pressure is great 4 any of us. I enjoy cooking cleaning and washing for them. :heart::slightly_smiling_face: And yes, they know how to do all these things, and do sometimes, but I do the majority out of love :heart:

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Try having her dad reinforce your requests

No she is just testing you to see how far she can go with you…

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You’re not doing anything wrong. Trust me, I acted the same way when I was that age lol

Sounds like she’s just testing the limits. Typical child it is definitely not personal, she just knows you’re in her life forever so she’s acting accordingly. Sounds like she actually cares for you because she wouldn’t go to all that trouble of ignoring you if she didn’t

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She would do like the other kids in house if they are big enough to do chores then she can to

Time for consequences !

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She wouldn’t have gotten that haircut until she did what she was told.

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Shes a kid. Youre nitpicking. Its never goinf to get through to her. Maybe she needs more of a nurturing approach. To feel like she has people to treat her like a kid. And along the way you teach her life skills. But this way shes just going to rebel against everything you ask her to do.

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When and if my daughter gets a step-mother, I really hope she is as strong in enforcing rules, regardless of what they are. I dont want no soft ass spoiled, ass kids.

i have 2 “stepsons” but i am their mother now so i give them rewards , love and discipline
Before their bio mom had lost them to cps i didnt know how to act or what my position in their life was but now we have custody i took them on like their mine…because they are.and i still feel like they test me. They feel sometimes they shouldnt have to listen and their still really young. So i could only imagine if they would of been older.

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It’s a haircut she probably needed one anyways - I could see if it was clothes or movies---- but a haircut really -

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I’m assuming she’s pre teen or teen and its normal for them to test the waters. Don’t question yourself demand it’s done and make sure dad enforces it and helps. 10 minutes waiting is too long. My kids know I will nag them in less than 2 minutes lol

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If she stays at your house even part time she should help out, no excuse. Both you and your husband should sit down and talk to her together, do not let her divide you.He should support you,I have been a step child and a parent too so hang in there

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Nope doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong unless there’s more to the story. She just needs some consequences to understand that she needs to do when you tell her to. It would be best if they came from her dad so it shows a united front.

No. Shes a moody kid. Time out or some kind of consequence, but it’s not you.

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Let her dad deal with her.

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This is normal is testing you to see if they can get away and not do it. My 5 year old and my 16 year old do it all the time.

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She is testing your limits

The haircut should have never happened before the dishes and dad needs to have your back!

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Try talking to her direct if she’s a teenager, sit down and ask if there’s a reason she chooses to ignore you as it upsets you…
go from there X

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Take that phone always she’ll start listening real quick!

No, she’s a teenager.

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Call her into the room infront of daddy, and politly tell her, iv asked you several time today to do these things and was ingnored…NOW IM TELLING YOU TO DO THEM, No tv or out side untill the chores are done…look at the daddy and ask…your her father…DO YOU AGREE? …at this point…he should have enough brains to back you up and reinforce it…if it still isnt done…ask him to do those chores…he will make her do them then…

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Young one - she’s testing the waters. This is a problem your husband and you need to talk about. Once you two have an understanding and/or plan - sit her lil’ booty down and talk with her. But listen to what she has to say - if you expect her to do the same. Explain what’s up and see if she has input - good communication - listen to understand don’t listen to reply-:v:t4::heart::rose:

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That’s normal kid shit 🤷
Welcome to teen world, get used to thinking wtf and WHY constantly.

Sounds like a typical teenager. You have to set rules. But you and your husband sit her down and tell her, we will ask you once to do something, you will have approximately xyz minutes to do this task. If it isn’t done then xyz happens. There will be no warnings and no arguments. Make sure you follow through every single time!

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The first issue I see is you calling her your step daughter. I could never call my bonus daughters that. They are my daughters. Second I wouldn’t have taken her for the haircut if she didn’t complete the tasks I asked her to do, she would’ve went another day but I also don’t think the haircut has anything to do with any of these other issues.

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No, shes just being a teen or preteen. You’re fine. Just maybe have your so remind her if she doesn’t do it when you ask

She’s testing to see how far she can push you. Normal behavior.

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You aren’t doing anything wrong… except how you deliver the words. You should say…“when you finish the dishes we can leave for your haircut.” Always put what you will do after what you want her to do. Order of operations. Lol

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It’s called being a teenage. It’s also possible that she may be dealing with mental health issues. Take her to a therapist I think that’s the best thing you can do for her.

How old is the child? Maybe she’s going through something with a friend or a boy and it’s hard to focus?
Kids don’t come with a remote or a manual sometimes they just don’t want to. So they don’t. Then there’s a power struggle. Maybe just ask her what’s up? If she’s got anything on her mind that she wants to share

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Shes manipulating you
A position between you and her father. Yall have to be unified in your discipline. This is child psychology 101.

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This needs to be dealt with between you and your husband. Let him be the disciplinarian, you offer her lots of love and support, she might just open up to you then.

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I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, you didn’t give an age but I’m assuming you are the lucky “owner” of a teen. I also have a teen and although I’m not a stepmom, the kid has an attitude :sweat_smile: maybe he has more of an attitude towards his stepdad but in general, it’s just a teen thing. Being told what to do is hard for them lol. Perhaps she has more of an attitude when she’s in front of dad because “my dads here and he’s not getting after me :roll_eyes::unamused:” because mine sometimes gets more of an attitude when they’re stepdad says something when I’m around and I’m sometimes seen as the “higher up”? Like my answer or request would be different? But that’s usually not the case. So perhaps make sure dad reinforces what you’re saying so they know they won’t be getting a different answer either way but otherwise, I’d write it off as a moody teen/preteen. The fact you’re even concerned enough to ask this shows you’re doing a good job. :+1:t2:

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I’d take her clothes shopping or something similar AFTER she did her chores.

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Totally normal for teenagers !

Why isn’t dad handling it? I wouldn’t even take her to do a dang thing she can stay w her attitude grounded at home

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all normal. Her dad does need to get involved by letting her know you are to be listened to and respected. He needs to step up and back you up

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Sounds like you have a normal teen on your hands

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Honestly… do you remember what is like being a teenager? You sound so annoying!

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