I first met my husband when I was 16. There’s a five year age difference. He showed interest in me immediately, and we’ve basically always been in a relationship since I’ve known him. We got married when I was 18 years old and have now been married for nine years with three kids. During our relationship, he’s never really been affectionate, and over the years, I’ve basically been the main one to handle all the household chores, kids, and work too. I feel like he’s taken me for granted a lot of the time and has put me through an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like I lost myself due to marrying young and having so much on my plate. I’ve never really felt like I could speak up when something was bothering me either because my husband would either get upset or not take me seriously. I told him so many times I needed his attention and affection. So, I snapped at him a couple of months ago and told him how I was feeling. He got upset and didn’t talk to me for a few weeks. I do have to admit the reason I finally snapped was that I started talking to a coworker who made me love myself and feel like this amazing person. I felt unappreciated in my marriage and honestly made the mistake of letting my friendship with my coworker go too far during the weeks of silence from my husband. When my husband found out about my feelings for a said coworker, he started making a lot of changes, though. But I was already emotionally gone. I haven’t felt in love with him, but I’ve stayed because of our kids, and although I continued talking to my friend, I stopped everything inappropriate about our relationship. It’s been a few months of us trying to make it work, but the other day he gave me an ultimatum. I had to either quit my job cold turkey and stop talking to my friend, or pack my things and go. So I told him I would do as he said but that I was leaving too. I need a break. I feel hurt that I’ve stayed with him feeling invisible and unappreciated for years, and when it’s just been a rough couple of months, he basically tells me to do as he says or leave. I feel a little scared but relieved at the same time too. I know I made mistakes in all this too. Am I doing the right thing by leaving?
Sounds like you were already alone and by yourself for all of those years, you’ll be ok. Blessings.
Yes just make sure your bring your children
I think you are doing the right thing, if the feelings aren’t there there is no point in staying. He can still have a relationship with the children but don’t suffer and stay because you think it’s better for them. Trust me when I say it’s not. Stay strong, you will get through this and be better for it! Good luck❤️
Just leave. And be with the coworker. Take ur kids with u. Go to court coparent…and move on. If ur decided then it makes this easy
I feel like ur more so telling us ur plan,than asking for advice. Dont wait around for someone to try and change ur mind.
No one can tell you what to do that is a decision you have to make for yourself.
Sounds like the 7 year itch. You both got comfortable and let life get in the way. Did you remember to date one another while married or did you put kids and everything else before maintaining and nurturing your relationship together so you had a Solid Foundation to give to your kids and everyday life?
No offence but there are 2 sides to every story. Especially being in a long relationship. It does sound like you are lonely. But it also sounds like he was willing to change. You do t want to be in the relationship that is your decision and it isnt necessarily a wrong one but I guess it comes down to if you want your relationship to your relationship to gain love back again. You did also make a choice to connect with someone else during your marriage. You made mistakes as well
If you feel that’s best, then you are absolutely doing the right thing
I would Leave. but I wouldn’t Get with the coworker Any time soon! you need to Be by urself For abit first Thats my opinion dont leave and Jump into things with the coworker.
You cheated on your husband which is just wrong
I stopped reading when you said you were talking to someone else. If you are that miserable to betray him, then yes you need to leave. & tell him why. Give him the whole truth.
Yeah sounds like he’s just using you honestly. Take your babies and go:)
If you’re at a point where your relationship is unrepairable and this is affecting your well being then I say yes, you will be fine. It will be hard but ultimately you have to do what’s best for your family as a whole. Staying together for the kids is not necessarily what’s best for them either. I wish my parents separated years and years ago. My mom stayed w my dad because of us, but unfortunately what she didn’t realize was how she was modeling unhealthy relationship habits to us. I was in a terrible relationship when I was younger and it was completely toxic yet I stayed for 5 years because I learned from my mom that no matter how bad a man treats you, you stick with him. It took a lot out of me to break that cycle and I suffered a lot of trauma for years.
Leave, take time to find yourself, to love you and your kids, blessings.
You lo be ok just go and be happy
Yes, leave. Spilt whatever is needed. Peacefully leave.
YES! Leave! He cannot keep you from being happy!
All I heard was “ I cheated with a coworker and I’m pissed my husband doesn’t want me around him anymore” you should leave. Not because you’re getting the raw end of the deal, your husband is…
You’re doing the right thing. Learn to love you by doing things yoj enjoy every now and then
If the relationship has gone sour and theres no salvage no love no interest then your doing the right thing by leaving him. You and your kids deserve to be happy. Unfortunately no one is in this position but you so ultimately it has to be your decision and you have to do what you feel is right. A break sounds like a good idea to see if you do feel better off without. Take time for yourself though. I hope you find the answer your looking for and all the best in the future xx
you’re emotionally cheating on your husband, with a co worker, what did you expect would happen by your husband finding out?? if you’re unhappy leave, you don’t cheat… you already put the trust out of the marriage so… yea you’re doing the right thing by leaving since you don’t wanna stop flirting and talking with your co worker, which is also a bad idea all on its own.
Well at least he is trying to change for the good, and giving you a choice, why are you denied him of trying again with you? Do you think this other person is gonna get responsible all of a sudden for a whole family? The other person is just with you because it doesn’t have to provide to you, but your husband is there providing everything you need materialistic yes but you lack nothing for you and your children, now the there is the oportunity to work things out, why not giving him a chance to redeem himself and work towards the issues that he doesn’t take you for granted and start looking for a solution together its hard yes but not impossible, we always go for the easiest way out and end up with more messed up issues than before, when you got married you vow to be together in the good and in the bad, in health and in sickness, try working it out and be patient, don’t expect results right away, but expect results that will make your bond even stronger because both of you stood up for each other, reconsider…may God bless you and your family!
You sound just as bad as he is. Giving your affection to another person when your suppose to be in a committed relationship. Marriage isnt just when its convenient for people or when someone isnt getting their way.
Leave and tell him why your leaving. Then split custody with your kids since you clearly dont have a problem with his parenting.
Fix it… communicate- listen and understand just don’t hear to reply…
And this is why you don’t get married as a teenager.
The grass always looks greener on the other side until you get to the other side…people show emotion an affection in different ways, just think it through…not on impulse because someone else made u smile…when u have kids and u r in a relationship there are many things that can get u stressed and only see the bad things…is he a good father? Its he a cheater? Is he a hard working man and good provider? I mean, throwing nine years like that…think about why u married him in the first place…anyone can make u happy for a few days and weeks…but living with a person is different, and making it work is hard…and its a job for two…he is hurt because of ur mistake…and from what u said…I think he cares…better someone I can trust…that someone that smiles in front and stabs in the back…plus you have children to think of too…the world is a scary place and not everyone come with good intentions…
I’m not saying to stay if there is no love, but just make a balance of good and bad things, and then take ur decision.good luck
Just leave no point in hurting the man’s feeling anymore then you already have with the cheating. Or trying to justify the act.
The cheating was wrong no matter what your situation is. If your unhappy you should’ve left along time ago. Stay was bad for you and your husband. Move on and try and find peace for you and your kids. Hopefully you all can have peace and be better parents for you kids.
Dont throw your marriage away over a co-worker!?!??! That said co-worker is probably sleeping with half the office and will not be there to support you. Life and relationships are very hard and I struggle myself HOWEVER dont assume every man that treats you nice is actually nice! You need to make this decision when your not influenced by LUST.
You’re just mad bc you wanted to cheat some more. Spare me lol
I’m wondering why you stayed so long when it sounds like you were basically a single mom this whole time? Yep I’d be dippin out. It wasn’t right you started talking to someone else. You should’ve ended things first.
First off you should cut all ties with said co-worker. If you want out of your marriage be alone because it is easy to get confused. Any new relationship or person is going to make you feel special compared to a nine year marriage. Everything always feels good at the beginning. It sounds like you and your husband need to renew your relationship. Three kids is a lot of work. Maybe try making date nights a priority. Go to counseling. At this time it’s not just breaking up a relationship it’s a family being torn apart. Parenthood on its own can make you feel like you’ve lost your identity. Good luck to you both.
Try The Love Dare, watch the movie Fireproof, read the 5 Love Languages, go to counceling both you and hubby solo and couples, when the time comes. Youtube Matt Chandler A Beautiful Design
I cannot believe how mean and nasty women are to each other. Some of these comments are outrageous. SMH.
To the poster my thoughts are with you, no need to point out mistakes as you already pointed those out in your post.
Don’t give up on your marriage to soon, but don’t stay to long that you lose yourself entirely. Only you can be the judge of that.
Allot of excuses but ultimately you stepped outside of your marriage and in my opinion that’s end game no matter what “reasons/excuses” you have for going so. Be amicable with your husband, share the kids 50/50 and move on… Move on not run to the coworker cause that’s not going to work either and you’ll find that out… Good luck
I would go to marriage counseling first. Sounds like you never learned to express yourself/speak up or see yourself as a separate person apart from being a couple, nor did you date around to see what’s out there & learn about men and yourself in relation to them. Sounds like he didn’t either. Regardless if you stay or go, you both need to learn to communicate effectively with each other if only for the sake of the children.
Many on this forum have suggested a book on love languages. Might be worth both of you reading it.
Maybe separate for a while & see what you miss about each other or if you just feel relief. Work on yourselves individually while you’re apart.
And cool it with the coworker. The grass is always greener, a new relationship is always exciting at the beginning as we are “blinded by love” and overlook the persons faults. You don’t need a distraction while you are evaluating your current relationship.
DO contact a lawyer & women’s center NOW to be sure you protect yourself and your children and know what to expect and how to stay safe. I hope he won’t be an asshole, but be prepared just in case.
Also find programs/counseling to help the children cope. Trust me when I say telling them you’re getting a divorce will be one of the worst moments of your lives, and likely theirs.
I would already be gone.
You literally described my marriage…
Leave him because you are unhappy
Leave him because you don’t love him
Leave because he hasn’t appreciated you and you’ve lost your self worth being with him
Leave him because your mind and opinion is of no worth to him and he berates you for having one
He gave you an ultimatum- quit your job or leave! Leave. If you quit your job and stay, he will become more abusive and controlling.
No one is perfect. That being said, no stones should be thrown at you for the cheating. It’s wrong, but you have worked out that issue with your husband and he seems receptive to giving you a chance. Marriage is hard, takes a lot of give and pull…but doing everything he says is too much control. Yes, stop talking to your co worker go get another job…make that situation better. But he either forgives you and you both work to be better… Or this resentment will only grow. If you go… You’re saying… you’ve got one foot out the door… Remember YOU CHEATED…not him. If you stay you show him you’ve got both feet in and willing to work on the marriage. It gets complicated with kids, but they are resilient. Don’t use them as an excuse. So many divorced children thrive …
It sounds like you may have already made up your mind.
No point in dragging on a relationship that you don’t want to be part of.
If he cheats with u he will cheat on u …
Another man was able to make you feel better in much shorter time than your husband ever did in many years. I say leave your husband… you can still be friends and get along as coparents for the kids sake… and im sure you two wouldn’t have a problem just letting each other live… If you stayed, it wouldve been back to the sad lonely married life.
Don’t leave your kids
First of all at 16 that puts him at 21! He was a predator. He couldn’t get anyone his age so he targeted a child.
Well then leave. Keep you job tho bc u will need it anyway
Keep job … fogure out a custody schedule that works… offer less and go up to 50 50 if he wants… get it noterized incase he wants to be a dick.
You just described my life! Everything you are going through I lived it! I actually got married at 16… I met my second husband at work, ended up marrying him. He made me feel beautiful, special and most importantly to me was that he cared about my feelings, he cared to see me happy!
Yes once you feel so unappreciated for that long and already feel like there is no feelings on your end as well it is best to leave
You should absolutely leave him. He never cared about you the way you needed and deserved until he realized he could lose you. He doesn’t appreciate you, and as soon as he thinks he’s got you all tied down again, he’ll go right back to his old ways. He wants the convenience you give his life and nothing more. That being said, know that this won’t be an amicable split. He is at best manipulative, and at worst, intentionally emotionally abusing you. That will only get worse once you break free from his hold. As for the co-worker, just remember that infidelity most certainly will be brought against you in divorce proceedings, and he may try to use the affair, especially if it continues after your separation, to turn the children against you, which may cause them to resent the co-worker or yourself. I’d say your best bet there is to cut contact with the co-worker and learn how to love yourself as just you.
You shouldn’t keep talking to the friend if that happen. You was cheating. I wouldnt want my man talking or working there either if that happen . I think you should leave and do what’s best for kids then for yourself. Its almost like you are asking him 2 cheat or be in open relationship. How would you feel if he had a friend like you do ?
Wow. Well you’re not going to be able to focus on your marriage with a new” relationship “. If you wanted your marriage and family to work you would not have allowed this other relationship to cross lines. You need couples counseling. You need need individual counseling. It’s normal for relationships and the people in them to change and grow and sometimes we outgrow people and relationships that don’t fit anymore. I don’t know if the new friend just wanted to bang it out with you or what but you have kids and you need to make a decision that’s for you and them and your husband minus the bf friend guy because he’s not going to have to deal with them or you and consequences of what happens within your marriage you are. You owe them and your husband a fair shot. If you don’t want to try and fix it then you need to be honest and get out. Cheating is horrible no matter what.
Pack the kids up and go, no point in sticking around
If you’re leaving him to be with your coworker, be careful. Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I’ve seen that many times. Give your marriage all you’ve got.
Don’t talk to the friend anymore trust me he’s bad news. You should leave and be happy. Keep your job. But remember that ask relationships get boring and that’s good.
If you have to ask, you already know the right thing to do, is to create a happy home for yourself and your children.
Get gone. It will be better for you and the children. I have been in a similar relationship. It won’t be easy at first but you got this!!!
If it is his way or the hiway, you will never have the natural loving relationship a marriage should be. Get things in order and leave.
Go now for yourself not for said person. It’s never too late.
Staying for your kids is not a good reason. They deserve to grow up in a house where their mother is happy. You need to do whats best for you in regards to your relationship.
Take your chance . Your children deserve for you to be happy .
I believe cheating is wrong on all accounts and that you shouldn’t even have friends of the opposite gender(it leaves a “crack in the door”). But you aren’t happy. You probably should have stopped talking to your coworker even as friends until you decided without him being there that you wanted to be with your husband or leave. I wouldn’t try to fix things and still be talking to my coworker, it wouldn’t work very well. But if you’re not happy and you have resentment(and if your husband doesn’t completely change), it won’t work out.
Yes. Your kids will be happier if mom is happy! For once think about yourself. I know we moms put ourselves last.
He probably is still into teenagers.
I as well do not condone cheating but I can see how it can be a slippery slope when you get that affection from one person & not the one you’re married to. Your hubby took you for granted for way too long. You really need to do what you feel in your heart. If you still are in love with him & feel he can love & appreciate you the way you deserve then hold on & fight. Obviously you’ve been with someone else so also ask yourself if you can envision happiness & love with someone else who’s not your husband and live the life you deserve. At the end of the day, be with the person that makes YOU the happiest
But If the genders were reversed y’all would Jump on his ass for cheating . You cheated on him. Point blank. . Leave him but do not take his children from him.
Try marriage counseling. Try to get him to open up some. Maybe it’s a reason he has a hard time showing affection.
Yes! Get out of there but try to do it as amicably as possible for the kids.
For Better or For Worse till death do you part. Does not anyone hold those words to be true anymore? Do you really want another woman to parent your children? I would fight with all your might to stay. If he doesn’t want the marriage then he can leave. It’s not saposed to be happy all the time. I know what I’m saying because I’ve been there. Coming from my experience if I had a chance to do it over again I would have stayed with my first marriage. My kids from the first marriage got it the worst. I would do anything to put in a better effort to be a better wife and mother. Now my older kids don’t want nothing to do with me because their father has told my kids lies about me. If there is hope to save your marriage do it the best of your ability.
I think you should leave if your not happy and so what you made a mistake sleeping with your co worker you were reaching out for attention and as for the comment from people saying till death do us part what a load of crap I was in an abusive violent marriage and stayed for my kids but eventually left with my kids I’m now happily re married I wish you the best of luck lovely x😘
Yes, you already said you were emotionally gone, once you’re gone and you know that then it’s time to move on and make yourself happy. Focus on you! If you were truly happy you wouldn’t have entertained another man’s attention. You are totally doing the right thing.
If your not happy then leave for sure. No long drawn out answer needed.
The second you allow your self to step out side the marriage you’ve made a decision to leave. Its not a crime to want to feel loved and appreciated and if you’ve already spoken to your spouse about it and he doesn’t seem to care then you have to put your self first. Also allow your self to he single for a while. Once you figure out what you need and want it’ll give you the best outcome
That sounds like a pretty empty marriage to me. If I were you I would just get a divorce and get it over with You’re going to be much better off without him. Sounds to me like he just found a young girl to manipulate into being his wife and baby maker, with that 5 year difference in age. You deserve a life of your own. Go fuck your co worker. Do what you wanna do to feel good boo. But I would suggest being single for a while and maybe seeing a therapist.
Sounds like you need to work on yourself and what you weren’t bringing to the marriage
Leave!! Find someone who appreciates you!! No need to go on, living w him!! You can find better!!
you are doing the right thing
I came expecting something way different in the comments section. I’m so glad all these ladies gave the advice they did. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled both as a partner and a mom. If your relationship is dead to you, kiss it goodbye. Your kids deserve to see you happy as well.
If u feel relieved then u answered ur own question imo
Most definitely do what is going to make you happy. There’s no sense in continuing a relationship without feelings of being in love with him after you’ve asked for love and affection many times. It’s nice for you to see that you had made mistakes too. Often times I think we blame the other person for everything. Good luck on your journey
Therapy is my best advice. Finding out together what’s best for the family you’ve both built. Good luck!
You already left when you emotionally checked out and started a relationship with a co-worker outside your marriage.
I think you made a huge mistake marrying so young. You have three kids in the mix now that you need to consider and ripping their family apart is the wrong thing to do. I think you should stay with your husband and make the best of it until they are all grown and out of the house. Don’t make them pay for your mistakes.
I’ve kind of been there(didnt let things go too far though) and then also bounced back.
I think importantly is for you to start finding yourself and loving you and accepting you. Start taking care of yourself. Spoil yourself a little. Let go of some worries. You will be a bit happier.
If there is anything left in your relationship, it will come back. Your partner also has his own part to play so it’s also up to him on that part.
It takes two to be in a relationship.
You deserve better. Move on or it will only get worse and be harder if you don’t. Been there divorced that!
Girl. Throw that whole man away and you go find and love yourself!!! Don’t stay for those kids and show them what a crappy relationship is. Leave and show them how someone is supposed to be loved and supported!
I got married when I was 16 and I will be married for 47 years and still don’t know if I’m loved .So take care of yourself and your children I hope you fine true llove
If you quit your job and stay like hes said, when not if he continues to treat you the way he does, you wont have a job or money to move out and make the changes yoj need to for your family. You will be dependant on him and he will call the shots. Thats giving up your independance and giving him all the control. Its time to leave. Your doing the right thing.
Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Be with someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated 24/7. You are doing the right thing. Never feel bad for putting yourself first. Even with being a mom, you still need to be happy too.
Yes. Leave. Where else will your marriage go?
All I will say is you need to do what is best for you and know that if you do leave then the chances are there’s no going back. Don’t stop in an unhealthy relationship just for the sake of the kids, that does not work. However you can find yourself while being with your husband, you don’t need to just be a mum and wife, you can be you as well. I think the problem may lie with both of you and maybe communication has broken down, maybe seek a marriage councillor, but if he won’t go for that, maybe find a babysitter and start having date nights, when possible and try and find that spark in your marriage again. However you need to ask yourself if it’s something you actually want to save because if you were looking elsewhere and getting close to someone else then I’d say ask yourself why you allowed yourself to do that. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side and perhaps try watering your own grass a bit more and you may find that happiness again. If you can’t do date nights then maybe put a couple days a month aside and have a date night at home. But the first thing is to ask yourself if it’s something you want to salvage or not.
You sound very unhappy and lonely.If your not in love with him then dont stay.Unless you honestly feel like you could fall back in love with him its best to seperate you both deserve to be happy.Dont stay for the kids sake that isnt a good reason…Atleast take a break find yourself and then see if you still want to try to work it out…Everyone makes mistakes so dont take the whole blame for it not working out a marriage is team work not just 1 person.Do your thing and be who you want to be and have the life and relationship you want…You both maynot work out as husband and wife but you can still be good friends and raise beautiful healthy children.
If you’re not happy, your kids will see that. Don’t show them that they have to suffer in silence for comfort. That’s abusive in and of itself. Do not stay for the kids. My mom used to say that ALL the time and it made me feel like her unhappiness was mine and my brother’s faults. Don’t do that to your kids! Stand up for yourself and show them that it is okay to start over, at ANY time. Life is short and tomorrow isn’t promised. Please don’t stay where you aren’t wanted. That is NOT healthy.
So I’m probably going to get some hate but I’m going to give you my honest opinion. You stepped out on your husband and blew up on him when he found out. Regardless of feeling unappreciated you shouldnt have hurt him like that. The fact that you went and had an intimate relationship with the co worker while he was dealing with that was really shitty of you. As an adult were supposed to communicate our issues and if someone isnt reciprocating it then we make the decision to leave or stay. Now that he is trying to make things work you’re still keeping a friendship with this person who you’ve already admitted made you feel fabulous so I highly doubt there isnt any feelings there. I wouldnt trust you either if I was in his position because hes actually trying to make a change and make things work and you’re not doing the same. What you did was wrong and you cant change it but if you really dont intend on continuing the relationship and fixing the issues then just let him go because you’re going to damage him even further and create a toxic environment for your children.
I personally would leave n be happy. Obviously your not. Your kids can see all this. They don’t need to be in a home like that. I’d rather be from a broken home then in a broken one !
He is looking for control. He’s not willing or can’t give you what you need emotionally , but he doesn’t want you to find it by talking to a friend. Granted it shouldn’t have gone that far with the friend, but there is no harm in talking. If you give in to that ultimatum, he has you. From that point on, he knows he can control you. Don’t stay for the kids. It does not do them any favors. From the outside looking in, I would tell him i was going to keep my job, pack the kids, and leave. If he wants to talk and compromise on a few things, listen, but do not quit your job. It’s a lot harder to leave without money. I’d also open an account that he doesn’t have access to.
I get that her “steppin out” with her friend is wrong but everyone has moments of weakness when you are literally in need of affection so i don’t think she should be condemned or looked down on for it. Husband should be loving his wife enough that she isn’t so vulnerable to someone else’s persuasions of passion.
Yeah I agree with him. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship either if you were talking and entertaining another man. Honestly if your done leave. If you wanna try to make this work give up your “friend”