Long story short, him & I were on & off together for 13 years, we have 3 boys together but finally split in feb/March & mid March I found out Im pregnant with our 4th & our first girl (I’m currently 27w3d) Hes got a new girlfriend who he’s been with for about 4-5 months now (they just found out she’s pregnant also) but what’s drawing me to not invite him or his family is that not once has he asked about baby girl or checked on anything, has not asked to go to a doctors appointment, etc. Our 1 almost 2 year old they barely have anything to do with unless I force them too & im tired of going out of my way to make them make time for him & I don’t want to do the same when baby girl gets here. I’ve done told them I don’t expect ANYTHING from them. So am I wrong for not wanting to invite them to the shower or wanting them to have anything to do with baby girl at all…???
My suggestion is try to become friendly with the gf. You girls are having siblings around the same time. It makes life easier for everyone. No reason to dislike her. His family, as long as they are respectful to you, they should be involved. Good luck hun and congratulations on your new baby girl bun in the oven.
Let your heart guide you. What ever is right for you is best for you.
I wouldn’t go outta my way he grown man he don’t make effort all on him not u dads should want to not moms job make it easy for them
I would invite them. If they don’t attend, at least you made the effort to include them. Based on whether or not they show up, I’d make my decision then. As for the 1 year old, don’t force it. It’ll just hurt him/her in the long run if Dad isn’t consistent. But, and trust me, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but I’d try to get along with the girlfriend, for the kids’ sake. My kids’ dad (we’re now currently separated), when we got together, we had kids together first, then we separated for a few years, and he met someone else and had two boys with her, when we decided to fix things, I did my best to get along with her so that the kids could be a part of each other’s lives. It isn’t easy. Good luck, mama.
Don’t put him on the birth certificate and unless he pursues the matter and gets a DNA test then he won’t have anything to do with her.
I don’t think your wrong, you shouldn’t force anything
I say just be done all around. Don’t invite and don’t include him. But if you really know how he feels ask him straight out if he plans on including himself in your kids life all of them. If not open child support case and be done
I’m going to be honest… a lot of this sounds bitter… now the part where he doesn’t have much to do with the 1yo that’s messed up… but the part about having a new gf and she’s pregnant… all irrelevant… .
Here’s the thing… you can’t force anyone to be something they are not. Allow him to be the father he wants to be (as long as he is not causing harm to your children). If he only shows up once a year, let him. If he only calls once a year, let him. You are responsible for being the best mom you can be. If you say he can’t see the child, he will forever blame you and so will your children. Leave it on him… it will be hard, but children grow up and see for themselves. NEVER belittle the other parent, just focus on the blessing of your kids and the fact that you are blessed to be in their lives everyday… see their smiles, hear their laughs, etc EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is missing out and will pay in the end. Keep your head high <3 This isn’t an easy journey, but just focus on being the best mom you can and let the rest play out
You need to reach out so it can’t be on you. That way you can always tell your children that you tried.
I wouldnt put effort into making him see his kids or show an interest but if he wants too i would let him xx i personally wouldnt have my ex at the baby shower cause i would arranged it with my friends and family 
You force a relationship until you learn you can’t do that. You can’t force them to have a relationship with a child. Plus, it’s detrimental to the child.
You’re already prepared to do it alone, so keep that energy. Personally, if i told them anything at all, it would be well after me and baby were already home. No BC signature, no CS, nothing. If they try to show up years later, make them fight in court. Save all communication regarding the youngest child and information informing him of the pregnancy. This way they can’t claim alienation by you.
A visitation schedule can be prepared during your child support hearing. If he chooses to see the children on his days is up to him.
It’s understandable to feel this way. It’s not fair and it truly does suck for you but these kids too. I wouldn’t force anyone to do anything but in the interests of the kids…leave the door open. He’ll either walk through it and be part of their lives or he won’t but you’ll be able to sleep at night knowing you’ve done what you can and will be free from the stress of it to just focus on your babies and your pregnancy regardless of what happens. Big hugs hun. I hope he does the right thing.
Legally he’s the dad plus it would be wrong to keep a child from a parent. That being said I would stop pushing him to spend time with kids that he don’t want to. An absent parent is better than a parent that clearly doesn’t want bothered.
I would say you have all rights to not invite them.
Best of luck hun .
I understand your turmoil! Are you going to have him pay child support on her, or the boys?Then he has those rights.
While I am not in the exact same situation-- it’s quite similar.
Follow your heart. Your gut. You already know what’s best for that baby.
Lmao it doesn’t work that way.
You have kids with him and one on the way. Unless he is physically abusive towards them, or a heavy drug user, why prevent him from seeing HIS kids?
He can easily fight for custody in court and win if you just don’t want him around…
Do better…
Just move on with your life and forget about them
No. Not wrong.
If he wanted to be there for the kids it wouldn’t be a chore.
Get full custody so he can move in if that’s how it is - that way you don’t have to legally consult, etc to get things done for them.
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through that but maybe don’t invite his family with yours at your baby shower you deserve to celebrate baby with your loved ones. However maybe you have a small gathering like meet at a park or public place with a friend or out so they can choose to see the other children or not that way you can say you tried but can still maintain healthy boundaries. God bless you 
Make sure you seek.child support other than that let him.go
You can’t force people to show up the way they need to for your kids. Cut ties, they won’t fight anyways that’s transparent. Literally just stop communicating. They already don’t ask anything on their own. It’s the easiest way to go about it when it comes to a dead beat. Just don’t give in when they decide after 3-6 months they want to pop in for a few hours unannounced.
I understand your heart. But mommy they are still family. Keep your side clean. Invite them, if they show up great, if not it’s on them.
Go on with your life and enjoy your kids. You do not need to keep them updated. If they don’t ask don’t tell them. Do not focus on them. If they are not interested in the kids let them do what they want at least the kids have a loving mommy
Invite them and coparent! He’s the father regardless and that’s your daughter’s sibling as well so you need to all get along!!
I wouldn’t invite them to the party, but I would tell them if they got time to see them they can. But don’t go out of your way to make them see them
Accept it, he has put you out of his life, you must do the same with him and move on or you will destroy yourself.
Do. You. Feel. Distrust. If relatives. Can. You. Love. Then. Accept. Them. What. In. Your. Heart? Do. You have. Unresolved. Issues?
It is so hard to deal with this situation while you are pregnant, plus add the hurt you feel for your toddler. However, this man is the biological father of your children and as a Mom you need to do the best you can for them. Unless your ex has serious substance issues, is unfit or breaking the law, he has a legal right to have time with all the children, including the one you are expecting. That said the baby shower is a party and you can invite who ever you want to. I would encourage you to include all of them.
You don’t do all the giving let them reach out to you
Unfortunately it does not work that way, you don’t have to invite them to the shower but if he wants to be involved in the child’s life you cannot stop him (by law)
i would invite him and let him choose if he goes … as far as drs i know you want him to go but that’s his choice …. you also can’t just keep him from his kids i would just make it known your done forcing it if he wants to see his kids than he can reach out to you to set somethingnup
Hes the father and he has rights too. Its not about you and your feelings. Its about these children, they deserve a mom and a dad and to not have to pick. If he really wants nothing to do with them thats on him and kids are smart theyll figure it out, but they need to do that on their own. If you keep him out of their life theyll resent you later on.
It dosent work that way! The father has just as much rights has you do! So no you cant keep her from him
You don’t have to invite them to the shower but you also can’t take the kids father away. That’s not your call unless he is abusive in some sort of way. Unfortunately you are just in an unhappy situation.
Let him be as or as little as hr wants. They don’t call or text to check on the kids so be it. Don’t force anybody to do anything.
It’s understandable to feel that way, but ultimately, when you have a child with someone you’re no longer with, it’s the court’s decision what role that person plays in the child’s life.
Not at all. If you file for sole custody of all kiddos and want zero child support, you literally have no obligation to keep him in their lives. That includes on again/off again grandparents.
This shouldn’t be about any of the adults. It should be about what’s best for the children. The father needs a reminder of this that probably needs to come from a mediator. Family therapy for all to iron this out before the children pay the price.
Don’t invite them but take it to court and get a Parenting plan set in place
Girl stop wasting time insisting he be a parent. Don’t invite him to anything divorce him don’t put his name on the birth certificate file for all the child support and drop him for good! Let him make the effort to take you to court for visitation.
Call a lawyer and have a custody plan written up. And no you’re not wrong for not wanting to invite them or him or anyone else if you don’t feel like doing so
You know you really don’t need to ask.
He’s her father and you can’t change that! Your kids deserve to have a relationship with their dad!
Invite to the important occasions, you shouldn’t have to force anything. If they don’t show great that is on them not you.
Remove yourself from their life…sounds like a little jealousy going on here…you can say your not but…you CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT force him to be in your kids life. Get over the jealousy, go to court. File for custody and child support. Close that door and DONT OPEN IT AGAIN!!! Sounds more like your trying to force yourself between him and his new girlfriend. Only you know what your motives are…
Yes. Invite them then its on them if they aren’t there not you.
Why don they have to help u why why why why they have to go to the dr with u can’t walk
You have a choice if they are at your baby shower, you do not have a choice if dad is involved in his daughters life
Been through this myself, minus her being pregnant. I did it all myself. I gave up trying to involve him. If custody comes up later, you can say you tried and he never put in the effort.
Do what’s best for you! I had a physco ssa person threaten & harass me over false allegations last year after I split from my ex. She is never allowed around my kids ever again. She even went as far as trying to take them from me. If they aren’t checking on your kids, than don’t even bother. Surround yourself with the people who want to be around them & you.
Nope not wrong just leave him off the birth certificate for now and if he really wants to see her or the other kids make him take you to court
Yes you are wrong fathers have rights and what you should do is leave door open and do things through texts or with witness so this way you have proof you tried to keep them involved but leave door open this way your kids know it was dad that didn’t want to show up because as they get older they will understand
just curious if it was an on and off again relationship for so many years, why would you continue to get pregnant? So not far too your children
Nope just let them be he’s wanting his bee family and it will hurt the kids In the long run
not wrong to not want him around. your peace matters during the remainder of your pregnancy so you can safely deliver this baby.
however, once the baby is born, he will have rights to her. i think you & him need to try to come to a mutual understanding of things and a visitation arrangement.
nope. i wouldn’t chase them around. they need to be in charge of their own relationship and if they dont show up or come around, that’s on them.
Yikes!! BTW I don’t think hes your husband anymore. Hes someone else’s problem now.
If you don’t want him for anything then why do you want him to go to the doctor app?
Seems like he’s moved on, and you’ll be raising the kids alone
You should be filing for divorce and setting up parenting time for the kids. Then he will know when his time is specified to see them and when he never shows, keep a notebook and mark down every single time he doesn’t show or makes an excuse… you can then use that to show the judge a year down the road that you’d like to have custody modified for you to have sole custody IF he still has made no effort.
Don’t badmouth him, and just live your life with the kids. What he does has no relevance anymore. Unless it’s something important like dr visits or parent teacher conferences where you have to rely info to him, I would just leave him alone. His family, like his parents I mean, if they aren’t reaching out to you already to check on their grandkids… I wouldn’t bother either.
But you have to remember, he is and will always be their dad. You are hurt and angry right now and rightly so because your kids are suffering without him… but don’t use them as pawns. They have every right to see him even if he only reaches out every 6 months. Your marriage might be over but that relationship between him and his children will last FOREVER. It’s up to him to nurture it and if he doesn’t, your children will realize all on their own if he doesn’t step up.
If you invite them, you’re leaving the door open. The choices they make after that are on them, but at least then you are allowing the chance of a relationship between your kids and the rest of their family. One day, your kids will see for themselves how they truly are… and none of it will be your fault.
My opinion is that unless they’re abusive or dangerous or mentally unstable, you should probably leave the door open. If they don’t show up, they don’t show up.
It’s your choice to invite them or not… I would assume they don’t contributing financial so ya you not opligated to invite them to an event you or your loved ones are paying for. On the contrary if his paying child support you have to give him his rights if he wants to be apart of your children’s lives… But don’t force or beg him.
Let him decide his level of involvement.
You can only control you and you will be happier accepting and embracing this mindset.
You get to decide what your relationship is with your children and he gets to decide what his relationship is with his children. Let it be that for the sake of your sanity and happiness and the mental health of your children.
You chose to lay with him. You don’t get to make a choice to alienate him. Your kids are too young to make that decision and if he tells the judge you’re doing this, you’ll be up a creek with no paddle in sight.
Stop communication on your end if he wants to see his kids bad enough he’ll do what he got to do to see them if he don’t reach out that’s on him it’s not your job to go chase him down
No your not wrong. Do not waste your energy trying to make people be in your child’s life. Or yours for that matter. I wasted years going up and beyond trying to keep my daughters relationship with her father and it was all for nothing in the end. I literally did all of the work and when I finally broke he just let her go with no effort.
I wouldn’t withhold but I wouldn’t offer anymore.
My suggestion, don’t make any permanent decisions while your hormones are alllll over the place.
And don’t do the “I don’t want anything from them!” Make him pay his share of child support. Period. I feel like a lot of women choose not to try for child support because they’re afraid the man will then try for custody. It kept me from trying for a while.
Honestly, it seems like he found new and abandoned all that has to do with what he shares with you.
You could beg, plead, and whine to him until you’re blue in the face, but if he’s unwilling to even see the kid right now, you’d be wasting your time.
It sounds like you better do one of two things: Get a custody order where you have them full time and only you have say over any and all decisions, and if he ever comes around he can have visitations.
Or
Have him sign off all of his rights and just be done.
Either way do something about it as soon as you can, before he gets a thorn in his side where he tries to make yours or your kids lives hell.
Grow up!!! You can not punish him for moving on with his life , And stop involving his family in your mess
First off it’s untraditional to have a shower for a fourth child. Most don’t even for a second child. If u do have a shower tho I wouldn’t feel like I’d have to invite them. If u want to keep it civil for the next 18 years I would tho. Trying to keep him or his family away from any of the kids is wrong. They’re just as much his as yours. U sound very bitter and jealous. He has just as much right to go for custody too. Leave it to the courts to figure out.
Not wrong. Screw them. They are gonna be deadbeats. I wouldn’t even give this new one his last name. Ppl are so disgusting.
You don’t HAVE to make them do anything, keep notes… don’t call them, don’t invite them over… they need to make the effort.
I honestly would not invite them to the baby shower…
What. Was childhood. Like? Do you have. Jealousy. ? Why? The. Mom. People. Who. Love. Your daughter. The. Better off she. Is. Can. You. Love. Others w out. The. Jealousy? Do. You. Have. A. Reason for. Paranoia. Distrust. Of. The. Family?
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate
Definitely don’t invite him to the shower. It’s a party he doesn’t need to be there. Get court ordered visitation and support. Here a a few things I’ve learned as a paralegal for 35 years. 1. The time for you to decide he makes a shitty dad is long past. 2. Don’t talk bad about him, kids won’t blame him, they’ll wonder why they aren’t good enough. 3. Kids are like bananas if you hit each other over the head with them, they get bruised. 4. You don’t get to decide if he sees her or not.
It’s your shower obviously it’s totally up to you. Maybe go ahead and invite them and if they don’t come then they don’t come.
I am amazed at these answers. If it was a father asking this question most of you hypocrites would be tearing him apart. Don’t live with double standards and hypocrisy.
I would invite if they do not show up that says a alot
Screw that, I wouldn’t. If they want to ask you and what not, then they can. Don’t go out of your way to make them happy ya know. So I wouldn’t say anything to tell at all till they start to ask you. 
He is their father regardless. Maybe he just doesn’t wanna deal with you.
Why on earth would you want too,shake the dust off your feet and move on
First off. Honey… I hope you are doing ok, mentally. 🩷
Secondly, we all know if you don’t atleast give him the option, it will somehow turn against you to look like the bad guy (even when you aren’t!) No, do not invite them to the baby shower, this is for you and babe only. Now with that being said, I would mention when you go into labor. Anything until then, I would just keep it to yourself. Depending on if he shows to the hospital or not will give you an inkling on how the rest will follow. Good luck mama, XO💕
Yes you are wrong & unrealistic.
Stay as far away as you can move on its not worth the while
This is so sad I feel so bad for the children he has fathered. No wonder these children have so many problems later in life 
Boy sounds like he needs to keep it zipped up …not responsible for sure
No shower invites…period.
No bending over backwards to include him/ them in anything. I doubt they will invite you to her shower…and if they do ‘don’t go’!
Keep drama to a minimum.
If you believe any of his family are likely to cause drama … Hard Nope on inviting any of them!
If someone in his family remains non biased and helpful … allow them … unless they/ you think even that would be a problem…Don’t do it.
However, there needs to be a support order for All 4 children…Keep a detailed list of what you get when and when he visits.
If you are planning to breast feed (or even not).
Request supervised visits only w/ baby and w/o girlfriend… until she is older.
It is not out of line for you to request additional help physically/ monetary before and after baby arrives… As you are taking care of his 3 other children and did NOT get pregnant with This one by yourself!
If his family causes drama…do Not inform anyone of her birth until you are home.
You can request to be admitted under an assumed name at the hospital. W/ only previously approved visitors allowed in or to even know you are there.
Speak with the patient liason at the hospital prior to delivery to arrange this.
If you have not already. Sign up for WIC,MEDICAID, FOODSTAMPS, FUEL ASSISTANCE, AND find out where the local food banks are and their schedule.
The local buy nothing sites are a good source of baby things and things for the other children.
** Warning on This and other FB sites there are people who look for pregnant people in crisis…and will Private Message you to adopt your baby… These people are Predatory! The also hang out in ‘Due day groups and do the same’…
Immediately report& block anyone who tries. . They are not wanting the help you…they are wanting to help themselves to your daughter!
Your problems with him aren’t with the grandparents. I would include them unless/until you have problems with them.
Don’t put an effort any longer unfortunately its also you who has put yourself in this position also. Especially going back & forth and having more children with someone you’re tired of going out your way for. He is still the father you have chosen to bring children into this world.
So. Here’s my thoughts. I completely understand how u feel. Ur feelings are more than valid. Its really extremely crappy he doesn’t even care enough to ask about anything. BUT. U gotta do what’s best for the baby! So, i didn’t get to meet my dad til i was 16. Than we didn’t get to really develop a relationship with each other til recently (im 33) it sucks knowing that i lost out on so many years. He treated my mom awful (according to her) so i get it, but i also wonder if she was looking out for her or me in it all. U may want to punish them by saying they cant be apart of her life. But u will also be punishing ur child. She has a right to know her father n his side of family. It’s so tough but being a mom means putting the kids first. It doesn’t have to be tons n tons of visits. But make sure she grows up knowing and getting a bond with him n his family cuz she deserves that. Even if they don’t, she does. I know its tough. My mil has done horrible, cruel things to me. And it’s taken everything in my power to not tell her she wont ever see those kids again (she tried calling cps multiple times on me cuz she wanted me out of the picture n she thought they would believe her, take my kids from me and not me AND their dad, and she could raise them with my husband, that along with so much else) so i def understand how hard it is. But i know u love ur baby. And only want whats best for her as many ppl to love her is whats best. U can even do it in a way so u don’t ever have to see ur ex face to face. A friend or family member can be the ones to make the swaps
You have to come to the realization that LOVE can’t be forced.
He started a new chapter in his life and obviously has no interest in looking back what he left behind. A very selfish person in my mind!!!
Unfortunately there is nothing you CAN DO to change their decisions when it comes to being a loving and responsible parent. That includes havig them around YOUR baby’s babyshower. They both have no interest in that.
Your time has arrived where you have to play both rolls in parenting with little to no help.
Do the best you can. One day the good Lord will reward you and send you a partner for life.
Don’t go on social media to seek relationships because they are all in your soon to be Ex’s category…
I know all this because I went through the same ordeal.
Best of luck.
You told them you don’t want anything from them but you want them to be concerned about your pregnancy? I guess I am confused. You were on and off forever but he was ok to have kids with now he moves on and has a new kid in his new life but now he has to worry about you again? I think you need to have a heart to heart with him about what you really want and what he is willing to do. You can’t force anyone to do anything and that’s how it is. You may eventually have to file for child support or something but you can’t have it both ways.
You are entitled to feel how you want. With that being said, you can not invite him to be a part of things ahead of the birth but you will not be able to exclude him from being a part of her life. He will inevitably get visitation. If he is a good father and just a crap husband, you being upset with him for not being involved in the pregnancy while separated, is not a sufficient reason to keep him from his child(ren).
Unfortunately, you don’t really have a say. If he wants to see either of them he can take you to court. Honestly your single, so he doesn’t need to go to Dr appts with you. You said yourself, you told him you don’t want anything from him, yet you post asking for advice. My recommendation would be file paper work now, for child support and custody and see what visitation the judge gives him. If he choose to see his kids great! If not, it’s his lose. But what does keeping his family from the kids have to do with him being a crummy dad? Don’t try to force or beg any man to step up. Just handle your business with your kids.
as for the shower you have the right not to invite them, As for her father not seeing her, that is not up to you, it is also his baby, when she is born, Even if his new girlfriend is also going to have a baby, Same goes with your boys, they are also his kids. But I take his ass to court & get child support. Also to give you full custody of all your kids, Because he can take them & not give them back until you go to court for full custody
If you’re the one always reaching out to them for them to spend time with the almost 2 year old, I’d stop. Let them know that “listen, I’m always the one who’s reaching out. You guys aren’t making any effort, so from now on, if you want to see the kids, you can let me know”. However, don’t hold the 2 year old away from him just bc he’s not asking about the one you’re pregnant with. Guys are typically not attached like we are, until baby is here. And it makes it’s hard now that y’all aren’t together. Also remember that your hormones are all out of whack too, so thoroughly think about x, y and z before acting on it.
You don’t have to invite them to the party but you can’t legally keep him from seeing or being around the child. The child deserves to know the father. You should get custody of the children and establish visitation rights and child support payments. Also help with money while your pregnant. You are doing the child great disadvantage to not letting dad into her life. It’s not about you and him and the other child but it’s about your child and it’s needs
They have barely anything to do with your baby “UNLESS YOU FORCE THEM”!! Lady, you are asking for your child to be hurt or worse by forcing them to take your baby and why the hell would you want to? I’ll be damned if I FORCE ANYONE TO BE WITH MY CHILD. Your children deserve better than this low life . Just because they get you pregnant, it doesn’t guarantee they will stay with you. Don’t invite them to shit. Let them have their own party
Oh hell no, go on with your life. He obviously has gone on with his. He is starting a family with another woman. You can’t make somebody love you and he has proven that he is not in love with you. Get the divorce started and get custody of those kids before he does. Get some temporary child support coming your way immediately and get some money coming in. If you have to try to get some work maybe even babysitting until you get other money from support. It’s a sad situation but kiss that side of the family good by.