Am I over thinking this situation with my husbands family?

So this might sound petty and I really don’t mean for it too, BUT how would you guys react if your spouse’s family (aunt’s, uncle’s, and cousins) left out your son (my husband adopted him last year, but he’s not biologically his). They all went to my niece’s birthday party this year, went over to see my nephew after he was born this year. They claimed they had to pack for a cross country trip and couldn’t make my son’s birthday party. They are always sharing pictures of my nieces and nephews, and NEVER one of my sons. Please don’t take this as a jealousy thing because I spoil my nieces and nephew HARD. I just am upset that it feels like my son gets left out because he’s not biologically my husband’s…I don’t know. Am I petty? How would you react? I haven’t voiced any of this to them directly, but my husband and I both have a very big problem with my son being left out.

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Not petty at all, sad that people are this way but you can’t change them… Just be the best you and continue to love on your own child :heart::heart::heart:

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Keep the child from them because if they’re showing favoritism then your child will see it and wonder why they’re not good enough.

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You schould ask your husband to talk to them

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I would lay off spoiling their children if they don’t give a crap about yours and give those things to your child. It’s your decision if you still want to even try to be in their lives (because that is his family) but other than that it’s a shitty situation and time to take yourself out of it

You should stay out of it. It’s his family and he must be the one to say something. I don’t blame you one bit. It is a child whom your husband has taken the responsibility for and he should be treated the same as any biological child in the family

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If your husband has a problem with it too, then he needs to speak up and say something to them about it.

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Your not petty, they are…

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As someone who was adopted by a “step” parent, I can tell you this is 100% a thing. My dads family leaves me and my younger brothers out because “we are not biologically his” even call us the others. My dad doesn’t have any biological children. It sucks but in the end, if they can’t bother with us we can’t be bothered with them.

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Not petty at all. I’m adopted and I was treated differently from my fathers side of the family than their blood grandchildren. It hurts.

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Don’t allow you or your child to be around them until they start treating your child better

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I went through the same thing with my son. He’s now 35 and his adoptive fathers family has nothing to do with him to this day. He raised him since the age of 2

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I think I would have a party when I know they could make it and if they did not you know something’s up and I would address it to all of them I would ask them is

It’s awful …you never leave out any child. I lived that many years ago and told all the parties involved…it’s hurtful . It’s up to you to tell the other adults it’s not acceptable.

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Not petty at akl6and honestly you need to speak to them. They may not realize they are doing it and eventually your child will notice and feel hurt so just talk to them and see where you go from there

Your husband needs to handle this one.

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As this is his side of the family he needs to talk about this with them.

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This breaks my heart. Poor little darlin. My step father was our father for 35 years, he passed 3 years ago and had no biological children. His headstone reads loving son brother and uncle! Compliments of his existing brothers and sister! Not one mention of the 4 daughters he raised for 35 years! We live in a small country town and are the only ones who visit his grave on the daily as they live in the city and haven’t even been back in 3 years. It’s cruel! I feel for you and you boy. Speak up and tell them they are being shit humans and you won’t stand for it!:heart::heart:

My ex husband passed away a year ago. Years ago, he adopted my four other girls, while we had one together. His mom sent my girls a message the other day telling them they were no longer invited to any of their family functions again and to not have any contact with them ever again. People suck and it’s sad

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I would casually take one of them like your husband’s mother to lunch and calmy tell her how you are feeling, they might not even realize they do it, or maybe they think they might be stepping over boundaries if they share stuff about him. If they don’t seem like the hateful type maybe its just innocent and it just needs brought to their attention

Your husbands family so he needs to be the one to set them straight.

Speak up or have Your husband ask whats up? Life is too short for hurt feelings. Especially when a child is involved.

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Your husband should talk to them and let them know he wants the child treated like his biological child.

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Not petty at all and honestly made me want to cry because this is a fear of mine if I find someone. I dont think there is anything you can do but try and voice your concerns to your husband and maybe you can all have a family talk. Just keep loving on your baby

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  1. you are not the petty one in this situation.
  2. that would be the last invite they get for anything involving him.
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Voice your feelings. They are most likely completely unaware of how you feel and don’t realize you think they are playing favorites.

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Just tell them. Some people are oblivious.

I dont think you are petty at all.i think you and your husband should talk to them about how important your childs feelings are and how important it is to make sure he feels like he is part of the family.tell them it would be good if they could make a bigger effort to make him feel that.

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My son was always treated “less than” by my family. I never put emphasis on it. He went to see his cousin on Christmas, bday parties etc. When he was probably around 11/12 he brought it to my attention. We started talking about it. I explained he wasn’t worth less because of how they treat him. They’re worth less because of how they treat him. I told him he didn’t have to hang around with his cousins any more. He continued to do so. Now they’re adults in their 20s. They sat down & talked about it a few months ago. The older cousin realized he, his mom & others treated him poorly. He apologized to my son. The thing is their behavior never made my son feel bad. He knew his worth. He knew he was more independent & confident. They needed to treat him badly to make themselves feel superior. My son didn’t need that. Today the older cousin is couch jumping between relatives & friends. Hasn’t had a job all this year (blames covid). Before that he never had a job for 3 mos. My son fought to graduate highschool (school refused to put completed credit on his transcript he had to involve department of education & lawyers). The older son would’ve given up. My son is in college, has a full time job, house, car (which he paid full in cash & a year of insurance) & is on his way to becoming a police officer. Not being the favorite & having to deal with people who didn’t like him for whatever reasons built him into the man he is today. My advise to you is to talk to your son. Make sure he knows he has value even though others try to make him feel otherwise. Let him take the lead. If he doesn’t want to be around these people them don’t make him. Celebrate holidays, birthdays as a family without dad’s side if he wants to. Or continue to celebrate with them if he wants & acknowledge his feelings. Instill confidence into him. Teach him that he doesn’t need other people to like him to like himself.

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Just be the bigger person honey

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It’s sad and awful. I would speak to them. I get it from my husband side and it’s his biological child. Your child will see on their own and understand so just let them know that their are people that have no brains and dont know how to treat others

My moms parents dont have anything to do with me, my little sister or my mom. Thay never even tried to meet my husband and they don’t care about my girls. They care about my uncles kids that aren’t even biologically his. I havent said anything because they are not worth my time or energy. There’s also favorites on the other side too. I just leave people out on purpose and if they ask then i tell them and if they don’t ask, i have my answer

I’m just gonna be up front.
I dont think you’re being petty to feel hurt by this, but as to whether they’re actually in the wrong or not is another story.

And I honestly cannot answer.
My mil has only seen my kids less than handful of times. Yet she sees my husbands nieces and nephews constantly.
We invited her to my sons birthday and she couldnt make it because one of the nieces had her own party.

It would be super easy to focus on what she doesn’t do…but…
My mil actually has adopted and/or has custody of sil two oldest kids (out of 4 and shes currently pregnant with another).
Sil tends to need more help. Sil lives closer.

I’ve simply chosen not to take it personally and not make a big deal about it. My kids havent noticed and dont care, it’ll only bother them if I draw attention to it.

Now, I also have no other issues with my mil. She’s awesome and i adore her ao…I’m not looking for reasons to be offended.

You have every right to feel like this. Maybe your husband can privately speak to some of the direct family expressing how much it hurts that they don’t recognize his son. Sometimes just expressing will realign what’s going on. If after you speak to them and there are no changes then be upset…

Family is family all need to accept your husband chose you and you have a child. Unfortunately I’ve seen this posting in many groups with blended families. I think as a whole society we need to be more accepting of different family dynamics. Try going to counceling see if you can set up a family session. Youtube sermons or podcasts about blended families there are some good books on this subject as well. It takes time.

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Unfortunately that is not uncommon. You can’t force them to have feelings they don’t have. My advice is to distance them, make any and all communication with them start with them. When they ask What is wrong have their son talk to them about it. They may believe you “made” him adopt your son. He needs to set them straight. You are one for all and all for one.

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Reading this makes me feel very sad. I don’t know what to say. Sorry I’m no help. But i feel for you and your son.

You are not petty… me and my husband have 4 kids although all grown up now…but they not biological his kids… he has brought them up as his own and his family made a difference to our kids… he new i was upset …but his dad excepted them as his own grandkids …anyway one day hubby dad gave our kids money for Xmas and hubby sister says… why you giving money to those kids…? Hubby dad say… he married Michele (me) so they are my grandkids as much as your kids are …she didn’t like it. But they still made a difference except his dad and that’s all we were happy about… didn’t care what his sisters thought…

Definitely not petty. I think your husband should voice it, not in a confrontational way. Maybe they don’t realize that they have permission to share things or perhaps they don’t feel like they’ve established a relationship with your son as a nephew yet… maybe some gentle words and encouragement could help and let them know how much you would value them to be more active in your sons life. Best of luck and I hope things work out for you all :heart:

How long have you and your husband been together, because if it’s a new thing, it may take some time for them to get used to and adjust to. They may not be showing favoritism purposely

Your husband needs to voice his concern

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If they don’t want to be apart of his life that’s on them. I would probably stop trying to include them in things.

I know what that feels like it hurts not gonna lie, I was always left out as a kid by family specially Cousins and I was a bitter and mean lonely child I but the difference is that your son as you and his dad to talk to him and love him I didn’t have that so your son is lucky and will be fine x

Your husband needs to say something

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I blantenly told my mother she was prioritizing my sisters kids over mine and I didn’t appreciate it. She was pretty upset with me, but it resolved the problem.

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No, they are the ones in the wrong. I was the step kid treated different. And now my husband is the “step parent” to our oldest. He has raised her since a baby, hes the only dad she has ever know. She is his kid. My husbands family doesnt treat her her any differently than the rest of our kids. My moms family is the same way with anyone’s step kid. They are just part of our family. Blood doesnt make family and all kids should be treated equally and celebrated and loved. You and hubby need to talk to his family together.

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My in laws didn’t treat my older two the same as my younger daughter but I understood they weren’t there grand children. My older kids had grand parents.

Very sad maybe your hubby needs to have a chat to 1 or all of them

I went through the same thing when we adopted our son until I told everybody how much it hurt to have our son treated different from the other kids. Speak up, it’s not petty. I wish your family a very merry Christmas!

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Your husband needs to have a sit down with his family members. They need to hear first hand how hurtful this is to him. This does not need to be confrontational but a sincere effort to explain the hurt they are inflicting. If then there is no satisfactory resolution you both have some hard decisions to make! It is extremely hard to see your child slighted or hurt especially by other family members.

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Not petty. But as long as your husband treats him like his own then there’s not much you can do about their behavior. Its sad. I honestly don’t think sitting them down to talk about it is going to make them feel any different. There isn’t a solution really. So sorry.

My inlaws don’t acknowledge my children at all.

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I think your husband should say something! My daughter has a different dad and first thing my boyfriend mom said to my daughter was call me grandma and she has treated them all equally :heart: I couldnt imagine it any other way

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I think it’s petty of them! My daughter isn’t biologically my boyfriends but he takes care of her and loves her like his own, and so does his whole family!

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You are not petty at all, it’s so unfair and hurtful how they are treating your children. They should feel ashamed of themselves!

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I was a step child, and this always happened to me. It was very hurtful. I also had it happen to my own children later when they became step children. You are not being petty. This is so hurtful.

If you both feel it. Then its a problem

very sad and unfair blood isnt everything love is love

My husbands family does this with not only my son but with our other kids. They play favorites with our first born together. But the younger siblings they could care less about and my oldest they don’t care about. It’s horrible because I know the other kids feel it but luckily my side of the family treats them all equally so we spend more time with them. :woman_shrugging:t2: and when they complain that they don’t get to see our kids as much as my family does I straight up tell them it’s cause they play favorites and I’m not ok with it.

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Yes, they should be told. Don’t make it about you tho, it is about being mean and hateful to the child.

going through this now with my 7 year old daughter but my boyfriend has been there since a year old… she doesn’t get a stocking hung at his grandmas house cause she’s his but not his…according to her anyways…but our other two kids have one but she don’t… it’s not fair but let’s just say he confronted her & it didn’t end well :slightly_frowning_face:

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No, thats not right id feel the same way. I overreacted once before everyone arrived and it didn’t go that way.
But my blood family doesn’t acknowledge my son, and my man’s does they love him.
It hurts cause its your baby and you don’t want them left out and if they’re older they notice.
The kids have feelings too.
If he doesn’t stand up to them about it and confront id stop going to things and buying gifts for them.
Just… not as petty but as respect for your family. Your little family is more important.
Hope it gets ironed out though.

Speak up for your child!!! It doesn’t have to be your husband that does it!! The kids and I haven’t spoken to or seen my husband’s family in years because of this. Once the kids started to notice they were left out and treated differently, we said something. It only got worse so the kids and I backed out of their lives. Hubby followed on his own when he was ready and for other reasons. Point is… Speak up!!

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He needs to bring it up to them, he is his now and is FAMILY blood or not. Favorites are not allowed in my family. I have 18 nieces and nephews, there are no gifts for birthdays/holidays etc because they are actually close and that gets expensive. I told my mom a few years ago that she doesn’t have to get expensive gifts for my kids because it adds up, my brothers agreed with it to and now they give each family a family gift to share or whatnot.
If the kids do get something it’s not expensive

You are not being petty AT ALL, I would honestly cut them off for good!! I wouldn’t want any of my kids to feel left out, and honestly I think adults who do that to kids are shit :poop: they don’t deserve your son in their lives!!

If your son doesn’t notice now, he soon will and this will be devastating to him in so many ways! Tell the family if they don’t accept him and treat him the same as all the children then you and your children will not be part of their lives and it will be their loss. The long term effects this will do to your son is is not worth trying to keep the peace. Do it for him… Please!

Your husband should speak to them - if you both notice it then it must be obvious and not you being petty
Children also notice these things , once they get to a certain age they can see if they are treated differently

How sad and hurtful, kids do notice. Not just parents. Your husband needs to address it. Even if he hadn’t been adopted, your son is part of the family and should be considered a grandchild. I don’t understand people, children are children. Love them.

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It’s possible they may not realize what they’re doing. Bring it to their attention and hopefully that will fix this issue. Every child deserves to be loved as equally as the next…whether they are a biological child or a beautiful gift that comes into our lives. These pure, innocent, sweet little souls dont care who they share DNA with and the adults in their lives shouldn’t care either.

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I mean, it definitely happens. Your husband adopted him which is awesome but his extended family may not have. It sucks. I was the adopted kid in this situation. A lot of the family came around but not everyone. You could bring it up at the risk of sounding petty or else discuss it with your husband to get his take on it. Whatever you do just remember you can’t force a connection.

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This definitely happens if it’s not a blood relative. I’ve had it happen with my boys’ Gma. She is not my hubby’s mom - she’s a stepmom. But she sure showers her daughter’s kids with WAY MORE attention than our kids. Don’t get me wrong, she shows ours love and all that, but they get looked over more often than not. Our kids don’t get their Gma - as much as her bio daughter’s children get her in their life. This happens more than you think, so you boy may never be 100% like the rest of the family. Just saying, you may be in for a lifetime of that.

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I think you have Every right to be offended .your husband should not tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone not even family . you and your son deserve just as much attention as do the biologicals . he needs to adress it .

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He needs to step up and let his family know how yall feel. Weather it be a short nice letter to all or a small gathering to express your feelings about everything. Or just don’t show up to family functions until they ask why?

Husband needs to step up and tell it like it is! Not petty at all. I was blessed when my dad married my mom his family took us as their family.

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His family is being rude. Since your husband adopted him, he is now his son. Although not biological but his son now all the same. Someone needs to say they either include him as family for all parties or you won’t attend any for their children. Fair is fair

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It should be your husband that brings it to their attention. They will probably see it as you’re jealous but if he says something about it, probably not. Your son will begin to see how they treat him differently and you will begin to have behavior problems later. So please…husband speak up and do it quickly. Also, leave you out of the conversation because they could then blame you for making him say something.

JMO. But HE should be the one to say something, not you.

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My husband’ biological mother has always treated my biological son differently. Always chincing him on gifts for bdays and holidays. I always made sure my son knew that it didn’t matter that she had a messed up way about feelings towards non blood related grand kids. I loved him and that’s all that matters.

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I would have a problem with that also. He might not be biological, but he carries his last name. He deserves to be loved like the other children. My son has a stepson, he Is part of the family. He calls me grandma, I call him my grandson. If I take presents to my biological grandchildren and also take for him
He will always be included. I just can’t understand how what is happening to your son is ok with his parents and family

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My 2 boys are my parents grandchildren and they never really spent time or effort with either. Only my daughter and sisters daughter. Now all are grown and sometimes my parents wonder why they don’t come around. Duh! Karma girl! It always wins.

I would definitely address it and if it didnt change i might hold the biological children from them.that sounds mean but i do not believe in playing favoritism.

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Does your son have loving grandparents from his father’s side? I hope he does. Many people make the excuse he has family - it is not a good excuse - but it is used.

he is part of the family an needs to be treated as so. Dont make an argument but make you feelings known !!! … i told my husbamds side if they cant treat them equally they wont be around for any of it. I wasnt mean but made my feelings very well known. They all understood an changed it around. Best of luck

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so hurtful and they need to know how you both feel, and your husband should say something since it is his family and how unfair to your son!!

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That’s sad. Your hubby needs to introduce him officially to all the relatives as his son then hold them accountable in their treatment of his son. Adopted or bio doesn’t matter “my son” is the words he needs his relatives to hear.

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That’s a horrible and cruel thing to do to your son. It needs to be changed. Your son didn’t ask for this, and he deserves much better.

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Might be a good idea for your husband to talk w/ his family and point out the fact that the boy IS a member of the family

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Blood doesn’t make family. My ex now told his grandmother if you can’t by equal for both his girls don’t buy at all

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My son was adopted, some pea brain said if I had given birth to him I would love him more. She was a insensitive B----h. She said it to hurt me but I only make me dislike her to and extreme. My inlaws loved him and he loved them. If your husband is good to him, just try to forget about the insensitive ones.

He should be included just as much as any of the others. I would be upset too.

Well I’m sure it still hurts your feelings. They ARE being insensitive maybe unwittingly. I’d definitely mention it to them

Sounds like your husband needs to have a serious discussion with his family.

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You all have already let I t go on to long.Both of you need to talk to them together.Dont let them get away with this crap any longer.Good luck.

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Your husband’s family he should put them on notice to cut it out.

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Your husband should question them as to what is going on.

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Your husband should address his family about the situation and be completely honest with them about how he feel

Sounds like y’all as a family need to step up and tell them how this shits going to go or it ain’t going to get fixed

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Hubby needs to step up n be a father. Tell these ppl how it is. Point blank…

Be the Bigger Person - suck it up and move on. You will NEVER be able to change your husband’s family unless they want to change.

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Husband needs to grow him some balls and tell it like it is