I’m having some issues wondering if I’m over reacting or in the wrong. To try and keep it short and sum it up. My husband and I have been together 11 years we share 4 children together and I have a daughter, that he adopted and I have also raised my step daughter these 11 years along with him as he has full custody of her. So to me she is my child as well as any other of the kids. We have had issues along the way and normally always work them out by just leaving it alone, he isn’t the best communicating person. In 2020 we had bad issues and had to spend several weeks apart and went through marriage counseling… it didn’t seem to be working so we stopped going. We continued our live as we had been. The last year I have really felt alone, I’m a stay at home mom and babysit multiple days a week so I am always with kiddos, which I love. I also clean certain days and always take 2 of my children with me as they aren’t in school. I have ask multiple times to have a few hours to myself to reconnect with me… I’m ignored ad pushed aside. I’ve ask to date nights when he’s available from work… he doesn’t feel up to it… but will get extremely upset when I’m not in the mood to be intimate because I feel less of a human and very depressed. The last month I have ask to have a few hours to myself and I’m told that I have them few hours when I am cleaning… I do get to go clean alone once every other week for 4 hours… but I am working!! Him on the other hand every day he is off he spends 6-8 hours in the woods or he will sleep until nearly noon and usually ends up leaving for several hours after he awakes. I am doing everything with my kids, making sure they are took care of, get to and from school and sports practices and games etc. To even grab a 5 minute shower I have to literally get up at 4:30 am to do that and pray that one of my babies doesn’t wake up and freak out because I’m not in the room with them. Am I overreacting to leash out and be upset that I’m not allowed to have a few hours a week to myself while my husband is basically acting single and doesn’t offer help or even helps when I ask?Yes I have talked to him, but I am sold broken promises then when reminding him about it he says I make sh*t up in my head! I just want some outside opinions on the situation! Thanks
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I overreacting?
Sweety. He does not care about what you need. He shows you this on a daily basis. Multiple years of asking for simple things, such as self care, and being told no. File for divorce. He’ll get the kids every weekend or every other weekend. And you’ll get to be able to be yourself for a few days.
Empty promises. You’re begging for the ability to take care of yourself. He guilting you into being intimate, while neglecting you. It’s time to leave.
As soon as he gets home from work one day just leave. Don’t give him the option to say no. Don’t even say anything when you leave. Just text him after you have already left with instructions. I know that sounds awful but sometimes that’s the only way. He doesn’t seem willing so you’re gonna have to force the issue. I would also honestly think about leaving the relationship altogether as well. You’re not happy. He’s not fulfilling or even acknowledging your needs. That’s not healthy for you or the kids. Good luck mama
File for Divorce and demand Shared 50/50 Custody. He will have the Kids 50% of the time, You will be able to work without taking kids with you, AND get more than a 5 minute shower. Alot of these Men don’t become Father’s until the Judge ORDERS them to become one!
If he wants to act single tell him he can be single if things don’t change.
So after that time alone cleaning go eat dinner by yourself. Take a walk or whatever you wish. Then come home.
This is not a good situation, bc even if you do just leave, and go do your own thing, you know there will be consequences in your relationship once you come home. He will label you a bad mother and spouse for just leaving, as a way to gaslight you further.
I would get out of the situation all together, if I was you.
Sounds, like you are more of a servant than a partner and no one deserves to give up themselves just bc someone else is inconsiderate and lazy.
Wishing you the best of luck, hopefully he has enough compassion and empathy for you as a human to grow up some. But if it’s been this long, he seems to be okay with you giving yourself up as long as it doesn’t interrupt his comfort. And that’s not loving behavior.
Each person in a parenting couple needs equal access to alone time which is not work time or chores time. Otherwise the marriage will break down and the person who is overburdened in this unequal yoke will most certainly be too exhausted for intimacy. It’s supposed to be an equal partnership, not an employer-employee relationship. Frankly, I believe this is one of the most frequent causes for divorce. If he hasn’t been receptive to your feedback or counseling, you may have some difficult choices to make.
I feel like a lot of women can relate to this, for some reason there’s so much pressure on us women. I sometimes feel like a single parent myself , I feel like we have to take care of everyone else, be there for everyone else but who’s there for us?
Anyways on the day that he is home, grab the keys and tell him to be with the kids while you go to the store or whatever . Sometimes we need to put our foot down and stop these men walk all over us. Good luck to you , and something need to be changed .
Right after you hop out of that 4:30am shower and get dressed you walk out that door, go to the beach and watch the sun rise with an iced coffee and go walk around in goodwill when they open.
Sounds like your marriage is over. You guys tried marriage counseling and it didn’t work. You’ve tried communicating everything to him and he refuses to listen. It’s time to file for separation and divorce. Find a daycare and find a job and see if you can stay with family if any nearby and save up for a new place if the home isn’t in your name
I went through this and I really feel your pain. I ended up putting kids to bed, suddenly needed something outside, got in my car and drove to the water just to sit and relax and breathe. After the initial time it was easier to just go. If you don’t do something it will never change. Men and women are just not wired the same. I have always believed every parent should have to be a stay at home parent for 1 month, then they understand what the other goes through. I wish you the best of luck.
Quit asking. You’re not a child. Go out for dinner with friends, get a massage, see a movie…have dinner ready so he can’t use that as a crutch and go. This might make things better or it might make it worse. Being a Dad might be something he regrets. I was in a similar situation with my kids Dad, once I started being independent, because he never wanted to do anything he became abusive and more controlling so we split up. Heck sometimes he’d come home and wouldn’t even speak to any of us. But now the kids and I are thriving. We do all sorts of things together. I’m studying, have a great social life and even have my own business. Either youre a team or youre not.
No you are not overreacting. Does he have to ask you to go to the woods or do whatever he does to have alone time? See that’s the problem with many relationships- women get the short end of the stick and then we get blamed for “overreacting”- sweetie, don’t ask. Tell. Take the time you need and do not feel guilty for it. If your cup is empty, you cannot continue to fill everyone else’s.
This is simple - get up and LEAVE at 4am instead of the shower. Literally leave him with the children and take your you time.
In all reality though, restart therapy and reevaluate your marital priorities.
Stop asking! Stop waiting for everything to line up & come together & just do it. Either tell him ur going out, leave the kids & walk out the door…or if ur not comfortable leaving them with him, find a sitter & go. Regardless, ur the only one standing in the way of having a little time to urself. That’s just the truth. U don’t need permission. U don’t need an ok from anyone. U don’t need to wait for anything at all. U get ready & walk out the door. Do it…I promise it will absolutely change ur entire perspective.
This sounds just like my husband. . I thought all were this way. So I just did the best I could and if I felt like I needed time alone I said I was going to the store and I’d stay away for hrs. I’d go to Walmart and just walk around and maybe visit with friends I saw there. . Maybe write down in a notebook your day. Do it for a month and let him see how you function daily. Write everything down . Even getting up with the babies at 2 am. Write all chores and playtime with kids. Everything. Let him see You. They don’t understand it comprehend What we are. What we do.
Read Proverbs 25:11
Pray about this situation. God bless.
No! Find a babysitter and get sometime for yourself.
Be ready to go when he’s waking up, have everything prepared that he night need (essentials I mean because the rest he should be obvious and should know how to be able to care for his own kids as well) and as soon as he’s up and awake leave. Definitely tell him where you are going and for how long but just go. You won’t be a bad mom or wife and yes I know you’ll feel bad at first but it will go away. You need you time and demand it.
Schedule a day when he’s off work and write it on the calendar where he can see it and just casually drop it in conversation of I have to do this on this day the kids are yours. And don’t repeat it. Day of said thing leave and enjoy your alone time. He’ll figure it out.
It doesn’t get better. Before he has the chance take the keys. Tell him to look after the kids and go. You don’t need permission to have time to yourself. Take control otherwise you will never get out of the toxic loop you’re in
I can relate to this so deeply.
What you need to do is pick a day and just leave the kids with him, turn off your phone and have a few hours to yourself.
Once you get back I can guarantee he will be singing a different tune.
The thing is men who work have a tendency to disconnect from understanding how much it takes raising kids and being around them 24/7
After you have the time to yourself give him a day or two then talk to him.
Come up with a compromise that you’ll try to be more involved in the bedroom but he needs to make sure you have you time each month.
There’s a book series call the Adventure challenge.
They have one for solo, friends, family and in the bed.
100% recommend getting at least the last two, they’ll help y’all reconnect both as a family and as a couple.
What you need to do is get up and leave the house for a whole day. Just leave him with the kids. Don’t answer your phone. Teach him a lesson, the reason why he does this is because he doesn’t ever think you’re going to just get up and leave. But you’re human and you need to do you. One day won’t hurt, but It will register in his mind that you’re serious about your needs. Good luck, if you need you time make it happen.
If I were you I’d get up early and let him know he’s home with the kiddos for a few hours on the weekends. What is happening is very unfair. Your doing it all alone. He needs to stepup BIG TIME! But, as long as we continue to accept things the longer they stay the same. People treat you how you allow them too. I mean really think about that statement. It’s true. If that’s going to cause a divorce then so be it I say because a husband does not act this way. Not a good one anyway. Good luck
Sounds like us already checked out of the relationship honestly. A caring husband should help with that.