Am I the problem?
My kids father and I have been together 10 years today. I have been on disability for 8 of those years. He has worked a total of maybe 5 if I’m being generous. He has cheated and lied and gone to jail and through all of this my income has kept this family which includes our two kids now afloat. His problem is that I don’t have a job. He says I’m not doing anything to elevate this family because he has a job and is working now. We both got stimulus checks. I bought us a car so he could get his license and a job which he did. He gave me no money for it at all. I don’t even drive anymore. I am not on disability for no reason. I legitimately have anxiety and agoraphobia which he knows. I barely leave the house as it is. But if I give up my disability we can’t afford our house. I pay the rent and bills. He contributes but his money mostly goes to the car insurance which is super high because it’s his first car and his first license which also means he beats the car down. He has had to change the brakes three times in a year and a half because he is so tough but I am the problem because I don’t have extra money to give him when he needs to fix something on the car. What do I do? Am I wrong? Am I not doing anything to help my kids? My kids seem to be thriving. They got straight A’s two days ago they are super healthy. Please help me
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I the problem?
He’s just trying to include you, sounds like. Don’t resent him for being social just because you’re not
Kinda seems like you don’t want him to have friends at all… now if he was invited and didn’t invite you would you be hurt? Would you be upset he’s out having fun and you’re sitting home? He’s including you in his plans, honestly you should try and change your tone and go have fun. You only live one life. Make it worth it.
Not necessarily a deal breaker. I’m similar in the way I make friends. I’ve had the same set of friends for 28 years. So adding new friends is never something I’m comfortable doing. But I guess I look at it as would it hurt me to take part in socializing with his friends/family? Maybe make a deal with him. You’ll go to so many functions a week/month. That way he can still be a social butterfly. And you show him that you are capable of stepping outside your comfort zone.
It doesnt really sound like hes trying to be pushy, he just wants you to be apart of his life. Meet his friends and their significant others. Hed probably feel left out if you didn’t come but his friends and their people did. Its ok to be a private person, its not like you have to tell these people your life story, just a nice hi, maybe engage in conversation a bit.
I know for me if my partner didn’t want to know my friends that would be a deal breaker. In fact, to me that’s a sign of a controlling personality. Obviously your boyfriend enjoys his circle of friends and if you don’t want to even be around them or get to know them he’s going to have a problem with that.
Relationships are about compromising, you gotta give a little. If you guys can’t, and you’re already questioning things, then I’d say this is probably going nowhere fast.
It really sounds like he just wants you involved in his life though, you might be the problem.
Not trying to be rude but you sound like a very jealous person. Just because you choose to be unsociable and live the life of a recluse doesn’t mean that he should follow. Deal breaker…yes, because of you and your choices. Trying to cage someone is pathetic and childish! Maybe reread what you wrote and let all of this sink in!
Hmmm I understand. My man loves to meet and be around people and I am ok just being him and me. But on the flip side if he didn’t invite me where he went I would feel some type of way. We go everywhere together. I don’t mind experiencing what he likes and same with me at home he loves it. So not a deal break for you,but at some point it might be for him if he feels you don’t like his friends. He might be the type that likes to mingle with his S/O and other couples. And that is ok. You just have to find what you can be comfortable with and compromise. Go an enjoy yourself. You don’t have to see them every single day BUT if you want to stay home and he is fine to go alone you have to be fine with that as well and trusting.
Maybe you should try going with him with a different attitude. At least he asked you and had you come along. There are some men who will make plans and just go. If he didn’t invite you and you would be upset because he didnt choose tobe with you. Be glad he wants tobe around you and asks you togo. You seriously need to compromise here other wise your gonna push him away and end up regretting it. Is he a good man? If so and he asks you togo with it’s because he wants to spend time with you, damnit go.
I feel you girl. I’m the same way. But give the man credit, at least he is trying to include you. Most women complain their husband/boyfriend are always with others and they are never invited. You don’t have to all the time but make a compromise. You go once or twice a month and vice versa.
You honestly kinda seem stuck up i am not trying to be rude no means at all I am tryin to give my honest opinion. I don’t see what the main issue is right now he’s honestly trying to include you with his friends I don’t see how that would even cause a fight you should feel lucky because most guys out in this world don’t even try to include there spouse into friend invites most don’t even care now days honestly try not to be so hard on him you need to honestly loosen up a bit and actually try to be part of it or you need to remove yourself from the relationship if you can’t accept his friends if they done no wrong towards you or at least meet him half way and actually try to be apart of it.
Personally, I view this as he wants to include you in his inner circle, and invite you to go with him to his friends houses/bbqs whatever. I understand being a private person, meeting new people can sometimes be hard but you would be surprised the wonderful people you would meet if you just open your mind up to it. If this is a deal breaker for you than so be it. But in all honestly to me it seems he just wants you to be included and he wants to get you out to meet his friends. But if you choose not to make an effort or at least go once and see how it is, don’t get mad if he still goes because those are his friends and you can’t expect him to isolate himself from them because you don’t want to go. If it’s a deal breaker for you because you don’t want him to go and don’t want him to try and encourage you to go then that’s just controlling. The whole point of a relationship is to share life together. But, we honestly don’t know the full story so I am just giving my opinion based off of the post.
I don’t know about a deal breaker but I’d definitely have a talk with him. I don’t play that game either. I dont to go around a bunch of people I don’t know and I’m not going to make friends with people just because it’s convenient for someone else. If you’d rather hang out with your friends, then that’s up to you, but leave me out of it
You sound abusive. Leave the poor bloke already
Your like 2 magnets that are not supposed to be commited but are forcing it.
Have you tried communicating this to your partner? Maybe they don’t even realize they are being pushy. Definitely communicate this sit down and talk to them about it and set boundaries for it. If he doesn’t know he’s doing something wrong then you can’t be mad at him for it.
Hes trying to include you in what he’s doing. He likes spending time with you and his friends. He needs to understand that people need their space and some people are introverts. Might be a good idea to talk and let him know that you would like some days with just him, some with noone but yourself and some with his friends and some with yours.
I don’t think it’s a deal breaker per say, and it doesn’t sound like your as outgoing as he is, I’m sure he’s trying to include you so you don’t feel left out? Making new friends is hard but you never know, the ladies you meet could become some of your best friends. Going also means time spent with him
He seems like an extrovert and you an introvert. Can vibe with some communication and understanding the others’ needs. Sometimes, we don’t know what we like until we try it. The fact he is trying to include you is a positive. When he stops is when there may be some issues.
I feel like you’re being a little unreasonable. He’s just trying to include you in his life. How would you feel if he didn’t invite you to do these things? He’s going to want to start doing them alone. Are you going to be ok with that? Because it’s not ok for you to ask him to stop spending time with his friends and family. Alienating him from the people in his life will only drive a wedge between you.
I don’t think it’s a problem, it’s just your personality. Maybe he’s not the one for you. You both should find someone that fits your life style.
I think it says alot of him and his commitment to you that he invites you along and includes you in his plans. Some people aren’t as social as others. Why should he give up friendships and outings just because you are more introverted than he is? Either join him in socializing & meeting new people or stay home where you’re happiest and let him go be him. He shouldn’t change his social life because you came into the picture. His friends were probably there long before you were!
My husband is very outgoing, me not so much. I get excited I make plans then wonder why I made them . Because I know this about him, I tell him to go enjoy all the group gatherings, I will attend the important ones. It seems to work just fine for us.
You need to learn to compromise …
Well the alternative is he is just gonna start going without you. I would. Just cause you are insecure around others doesn’t mean he has to seclude himself. just sayin….
Introvert and extrovert.
It’s not a deal breaker. My husband and I are the same way. I would prefer to stay home, or in our small circle, but I do go and attend things with and for him. He also understands my needs/wants and does things in our little family/group. It’s about compromise and communication.
As a very social person it’s a happy place for us to enjoy the company of people. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a compromise. Maybe every other month or so you go. But don’t be mad if he wants to go and you get left behind here and there. I have made lots of sacrifices bc my spouse didn’t enjoy being with people as much. Have a little fun. Maybe do a dinner with one family and get to. know them. We are not meant to be islands
I think you should try. You don’t have to like it and you can always tell him its not got you after you try. Unless you have already then Tell him thank you for trying to include me but id rather not go.
Sounds like you guys are just not compatible and you should be adult about it and move on …
Yes your personality would definitely be a deal breaker for sure.
I can see both side of this, as I prefer my alone time, and keep MY circle super small, however I will have dinner or an evening with his friends if he is wanting to mingle with “his circle”.
However, if this is going to be your stance on this going forward, you shouldn’t get upset or offended if he wants to engage with the people you choose to not know …
He’s not asking you to be besties with anyone. He’s not demanding you go all the time. He just wants you to meet ppl. It’s awkward for him to go everywhere alone. The fact you can’t just go and be nice once a month, you should probably let this relationship go if you won’t compromise.
I don’t like going out all the time but I go when my husband asks me. He doesn’t care for grocery shopping and stores, but, he goes with me when I ask him. It’s called compromise. I’m even sure to thank him for coming with me bc I appreciate it.
There’s being private and then there is (anti) social anxiety. Maybe consider seeing someone to help you with not being so anxious.
If you won’t compromise, don’t be mad when he goes out without you.
You sound similar to my wife who never wanted to meet or socialize with new people. Once she met my life long friend’s wife they have now been best friends for over 10 years. At times we must leave our comfort zones for our own personal growth or for the sake of our loved ones. Definitely not a deal breaker
I think its nice that he is involving you with his friends and wants to take you to his friends and wants to introduce you and wants you to spend time with his friends and their other half, you don’t have to do this all the time just every now again would be nice for you to support your partner and show up as a couple. Alpt of guys don’t bother just disappear with their mates and donr care about their other halfs at home your man obviously cares about you very much to include you in his plans.
Stay home if you prefer, but send your husband off in good cheer if he enjoys being with other people too.
Unless you are okay with him going alone I think you should make some effort to do things he wants as he should make some effort to enjoy some nights at home with you. You dont have to become best friends with these people. But its not fair for you to ask him to not be social at all. If you cant do things that make him happy without resenting him You prob should be single and work on yourself. Every relationship you will have to do things you may not enjoy as much as your partner.
If u don’t want to go don’t go. But let him go.
I’m pretty introverted but I like to be invited still. If he always just went without you, would you be okay with that? He wants you to be there with him and I think that’s actually really sweet!
I mean, the fact that your not willing to comprise is quite selfish. You don’t have to go out to see them every day? But what’s a BBQ once in a while to get to know his tribe? The fact your not even trying would be a deal breaker for sure.
It shouldn’t be a sacrifice to meet new friends
Because you don’t have friends you dont want him having friends. You need to be single and find yourself before being in any relationship. Good luck
Lady you should want to mingle a little we was just jailed from covid19 a whole year if I was him I would go with you r without you
You shouldn’t change who you are, but be grateful he’s trying to include you with his friends. It’s not a deal breaker, but there will need to be compromises made. Not ALWAYS by you, but both of you.
In my relationship I’m the partier the social butterfly always going to concerts, get together planning trips and holidays while my hubby who has always been quiet and reserved tends to stick with his little circle. Which is fine but he does go to BBQ with me or holiday parties even concerts even if he can’t stand the music. Just like I go to his sport games with his group or out to dinner. It’s about compromise
Does he get mad or upset if you sometimes want to stay home and you let him go by himself.? I definitely feel like you shouldn’t be skipping all events but depending on how many you get invited tok I could say maybe a couple times letting him go by him self. But he just wants you with and don’t think he’s trying to be pushy or make you uncomfortable.
Introvert & extrovert.
If you are willing to go out of your comfort zone…go mingle for a bit…but dont force yourself if youre not ready…
If you don’t wanna go Don’t, but let him go alone if you’re comfortable with that
I’m a major introvert & I always make an effort for my husband’s friends. He does the same for me.
Don’t go if you don’t want to go, he however is free to go to any event he is invited to! He just wants his two worlds to collide and I understand that want.
You shouldn’t have to go meet people if you don’t want to but he should be allowed to go if he wants.
There’s gotta be a compromise made on both your parts. Maybe you go sometimes but not everytime?
I get not being a social person, but you’re very lucky you have a guy that actually wants to take you to his friends houses, and include you.
U should meet them as they are a part of his life. You shouldn’t be pressed to attend EVERY outing but as least go and meet them and choose when is comfortable for you to attend other meetings or outings. He should respect that you are more introverted as you should respect his need for time with his friends! Balance!!!
I’m so glad my husband never threw a tantrum because i didn’t want to play with his friends. She shouldn’t have to do it to shut him up. She has stated how she feels and he should respect that.
Maybe you two just aren’t well matched? Better to realize that sooner rather than later. If you can’t work out a compromise on how often you’re willing to accompany him and be social, maybe he’d be better off with someone who actually enjoys being social, and you’d be happier with a home body?
Everyone has different opinions but don’t feel alone I would rather be in my little bubble with my kids and boyfriend I hate going to gatherings also unless it’s just my little family I have at home lol not a social person
I don’t know what other issues y’all have, but I don’t think this should be a deal breaker in a relationship.
Compromise. Okay, he wants you to go, so agree to go but with the exception that you guys only stay a certain amount of time and then leave together.
You don’t have to become BFFs with his friends significant others, but you can be civil and friendly.
However, if you’re uncomfortable in social situations, express that to him, let him go and you plan a day for yourself.
Compromise is important in a relationship. You have to give and take. Does he do things with/for you that he really doesn’t want to?
Compromise dear. Just imagine if you’re on his shoes, you wanting him to be friends with your friends and you don’t like it. Sometimes, even if we don’t like the things our partners do, we take a chance of doing it to create better connection with them and of course showing them that you love them. Sometimes making compromises matters to our partners as much as it matters to us. They’ll appreciate it, the same you’ll appreciate it if he does things he does not like but you do it because he likes it…
Sounds like anxiety. It really sucks…She needs to do what she is comfortable about. Social anxiety is very bad.
When you’re in a relationship I think it’s important to make an effort to get to know your partners friends. Especially if it’s important to your partner. I also think it’s a good opportunity to check in with yourself and ask “am I having an aversion to going because I’m being stubborn?…or would/could it serve me to step outside my comfort zone and meet some new people that are important to my partner?”
He clearly loves you and wants you to meet his friends and make friends too. That’s a lovely sign.
My sister is like your Significant other and her husband is like you. It was a problem for them because my sister got really depressed at the lack of interaction and friendship she was missing in her life. Her husband started making an effort. A minimal effort. But an effort nonetheless and it made such a difference in their relationship. She really appreciated his effort and a new found respect emerged for how each other is wired. My BIL is still very much an introvert…but will attempt on occasion to mingle and it’s made my sister appreciate him that much more!
I’m very introverted too. My husband isn’t. He wouldn’t get angry or offended if I didn’t wanna go but I usually do go for him cuz it makes him happy that I’m there
I always make that little effort to meet his friends, if i dont like them i let him know and he wont ask me to hangout with that person ever again, but he’ll invite me with the ones i do like lol compromise!
I stopped reading at “it’s just who I am” that’s such an unbelievably toxic mindset
You either want to evolve as a person (cuz that’s what normal ppl do) or want to hold him back from evolving as a person neither is very healthy
P.s I’m an introvert, have anxiety, ptsd and cptsd but wouldnt consider socializing a “deal breaker”
Waaaaa…your with the wrong person, or he will continue to go to these functions without you. Stay home, he goes alone, and eventually one of you will get tired of it. Or you can give it a try and be grateful he thinks enough of you to want to introduce you to his friends. The choice is yours. Give it a try…
I used to be the same way. I went to his friends house the one time and now his friends girlfriend is my best friend. Give it a shot. You never know what could happen.
Would you be mad if he started going by himself? That’s a decision you have to make.
I get that being around people can be exhausting but he’s trying to include you and share his world. If that’s too much and you’re not willing to compromise then maybe find someone you’re better suited but unfortunately that will also require meeting new people.
I’m very much the same way. I was previously in relationships with people who pushed me constantly to make friends with everyone they knew (some of them were great people, but still), and often they didn’t even respect it when I’d flat out say that I didn’t want to. I always justified it as saying they care about me and want me to be involved/want to broaden my horizons. I’d drink a ton and force myself to socialize and get over it and try and enjoy it.
But I’m now in a relationship with someone who doesn’t push me that way and respects that I’m not comfortable hanging out in some social situations. I always get an invitation but never guilt if I don’t go. It relieves so much tension and stress. I’m not that way with his family or anything, or if a friend wanted to hang here or there with us. But bigger social situations aren’t ever something I’m forced into anymore and it’s so nice.
Its called comprise. Maybe go with on occasions and have him go with you places he normally wouldn’t. Neither one of you should have to be the one to sacrifice for the other to be happy. He’s social you’re not. But something out you 2 together. You can still be private and have friends. Just meet in the middle for what you both want. And comprise!!!
Yes you have a problem get help
I don’t see it as an issue but not sure what your other issues are. My husband is the same way and we have been together for 11 years. It gets annoying…he’s so friendly, nice, talks to everyone, is very much a people person! Me on the other hand… I don’t want new friends or friends at all but maybe 1 person! I’d rather be by myself and not talk or deal with anyone but my kids! I just always tag along and do as little socializing as a can and we are both good with that. The longer we have been together the less we are around people (probably because we are so busy) it’s worked out fine for us.
It’s a deal breaker if you make it a deal breaker. Only you can decide what you want out of relationship. My husband and I are both introverts and neither of us have friends that we hang out with aside from 2 family members and their families.
You said ‘small family’ if you have a child are you keeping them isolated too???
My husband is definitely an introvert like you and I am an extrovert! We have been together for almost 8 years… to be fair as we had more kids and what not I preferred to stay home as well but it can work!
Would you feel better never being invited and left home? Like really, at least make an effort to meet your persons people.
I had to go to a wedding recently, in which I only met the groom once. I dreaded going. Knew no one… Compromised, I went, but we left early. He said “I want to be able to bring the woman I want to share my life with, with me to these events.” It was sweet.
So because you don’t like having friends he’s not allowed to hangout with his? He probably misses you when he’s with them and wants you to have memories together. My SO stopped hanging out with his friends because I wasn’t there with them and he felt left out being the only one who’s spouse wasn’t around. This sounds selfish to me personally
He’s including that’s not a deal breaker
So you want to know if you spittle leave because he wants you to go out and make friends and hang out with him while he hands with his friends? Yeah no. That’s a sad reason to leave an SO for. Go and try to have fun. Try to go out and have fun. So many people with social anxiety does it every day. Be grateful he wants you to be with him.
Honestly I do agree with your boyfriend. I’m honestly a quiet person until you really get to me/I’m comfortable but my boyfriend has always wanted me to befriend his friends girlfriends/SOs so that we way can do things together (go on trips, hiking, out to eat, etc). My boyfriend used to feel “weird” just because he didn’t think him and my best friends boyfriend had much in common because of their professions, interests, etc. After making them spend time together doing something that us girls planned, they are friends now. Besides being able to go out and do things all together, it sounds like he wants you to make friends - which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I know firsthand that it can be hard but honestly it is such a nice feeling once you get to know them and then you and the girlfriend/SO can do things together without the guys.
I don’t see it as a problem since I am the same way…. But it can be a problem for your significant other. It was a problem my ex and I had. we eventually separated for many reasons but he is much happier and so am I. It’s hard being an introvert with an extrovert bf. It can work but you have to compromise. You also should try and meet his people. Even if just to meet. Especially if they are important to him
Ok so he’s wanting you to be friends with his friends girlfriends so y’all can hang out. That’s a good thing. Would you rather him go hang out with his friends without you because he has the right to have friends and hang out with them. He’s trying to include you. Maybe he isn’t the one for you.
You need to get rid of him. Dump him so he can find someone more on his social level, and so you can find a homebody who doesn’t like to interact with anyone and will stay home just with you. You already resent him for wanting to be social and make friends with your comment, “…but him oh no he’ll go wherever he’s invited”. This could be a deal breaker for him in the future if you don’t show any sort of interest in getting to know his friends as well.
Next you will be complaining you are never included when he goes with his friends:roll_eyes:
Causing drama for nothing don’t like it don’t go simple it’s not like he’s got a gun to your head
You don’t seem that into him and sound like you are looking for an excuse to finish it
To answer your question, yes you are the problem.
What was the thing that attracted you to him? I’m guessing it was his outgoing personality. Maybe you should try a little harder and accept the invitation once in awhile. You may get to like his friends and their wives. Eventually he will get tired of going alone and meet a girlfriend who will keep him company at these outings. It’s your choice
I’m a super introvert and my husband is an extrovert (well not so much now that we’re older haha)…my anxiety was always horrible but I’d still go and hang out with his friends bc I wanted to hang out with him. A lot of those friends are our family and have come through for us when we were in times of need. By you never wanting to even try to go, he may see it as you not taking an interest in his life, which is not taking an interest in him. It may end up being a deal breaker for him. Make an effort. You don’t have to go every time but go sometimes and enjoy yourself. Don’t be grumpy the whole time.
You should be happy that he wants to include you when he does things with his friends, do you have friends of your own? Would he be ok with getting together with them at times? I imagine he isn’t expecting you to become besties with any of these people but maybe hope that you can socialize and have a nice time with them
It’s ok that you are different in this area.
It’s not even bad that he’s inviting you or mentioning about you guys as a couple getting to know another couple…unless he is actively picking fights with you about it, he’s not doing anything wrong.
It sounds like you may actually be the one trying to pick the fights here…I sort of get the feeling that you want him to respect your introvert-edness but you don’t respect the fact that he’s an extrovert.
So here’s some things to think about:
- How do you feel when he goes places and does social things without you? Do you feel as though he should stay home? If you do…why? Relationships are a two way street. If you want him to stay home for you…shouldn’t you make the effort to go out for him?
- how would you feel…what would you do if he stopped inviting you? If he just realized that you’ll never go and you’ll never be social…and he just starts saying “I’m doing this thing with these people I’ll be back later” and leaving?
I imagine that this too would hurt your feelings. Maybe even more than what you feel is lack of respect.
If you keep fighting him over inviting you…over him wanting you to be involved in the other parts of his life…you will end up wrecking your own relationship.
Like I do get it. I’m an introvert. I’m not comfortable in crowds.
New people tend to make me anxious. The few friends I have I’ve made because of my kids.
A few years ago, my husband’s coworker invited us to his kids birthday party.
I was so freaking anxious getting ready. I was actually sorta cranky with it.
But. It meant a lot to my husband…He’d virtually stopped going out out with a lot his friends because he wasn’t single anymore and didn’t want to be disrespectful to me.
So when a family oriented social thing came up? It was really important to him.
And speaking of kids…
If you’re a parent…what are you going to do when your child starts getting invited to birthday parties and other things like that? Are you going to say no and punish your child for your issues?
At some point I think you’re going to have to learn how to balance your need to be introverted with your family’s need to socialize.
I absolutely hate when my husband assumes I will be friends with his friends wives simply because we are both women. That’s irritating.
I go to things when I can and I am polite but simply being the wives of 2 men who happen to be friends does not a friendship make.
I’m the same way but my fiancee doesn’t make me or suggested that I have friends. He’s like me. So I can’t help you with advice I just wanted to let you know your not the only person that doesn’t make friends or want to. Express it to him if he doesn’t want to let you be then tell him take a hike and don’t come back.
I’m a complete introvert. I hate meeting new people going out but I do it because it makes my s/o and my kids happy. I feel it’s a little sacrifice compared to bigger things. He accommodates my needs I accommodate his. He’s an extremely social person but I knew that going in.
Be happy he wants to show you off. Maybe a compromise…you will go if he don’t make you stay too long. The otherwise of this story is he will go everywhere without you and why would he want to do that?
It’s not you, as much as some of these people want you to believe, it’s bc they are extroverts too. Your feelings matter and your s/o shouldn’t make an argument about it. He should ask and if you don’t want to then don’t go. He’s going to have to except who you are as well, but there has to be compromises, perhaps you go to more important outings – weddings, work christmas party, etc. If you both can’t work it out you may have to move on to someone who has more introvert tendencies.