Little back story i was a victim of SA when i was young with my stepdad, it was a horrible my time and my mom at the time was resentful towards me and seemed to be on his side and blaming me for everything. Even going as far as sending him money in jail.
Fast forward to today, im 37 weeks pregnant with my second daughter and we live with my significant other (who has a bit of an age gap with me). My mother is always coming over and telling me to watch my first daughter because we dont know what my significant other might be thinking and even goes as far as to tell me to not let my daughter carry normal conversations with him and even suggested i padlock her room at night from the outside so no one has the key but me. Am i wrong to feel irritated and annoyed/angry at her for suggesting that my partner would be inappropriate? Especially given our past and how she never even got to know my partner she just assumes things?
Im not an idiot im a stay at home mom and my daughter is always with me and i never let her out of my sight , she never even stays alone with him or anyone. And what has me most bothered is we have actual proven pedophiles in the family and shes fine having family dinners with them and everyone sweeps what theyâve done under the rug
sorry for the long post
I wouldnât have kept my mother around. 
Sounds like your mom has a guilty conscience for what happened to you.
Sheâs probably just worried about history repeating it self. Maybe itâs her way of trying to protect her since she didnât protect you. I donât think you can ever be to careful.
If you canât trust your partner to not sa your daughter you shouldnât be in a relationship with them âŚâŚ
Just tell her to stop⌠and if she doesnât, you will have to keep a distance. And to b extra safe just install cameras inside (one in hallway by bedrooms for exampleâŚetc ) and out of home for security reasons ⌠especially now days. That way u can just check the cameras and feel more secure all around.
Some ppl cannot see the faults of their own relatives but are quick to judge others;especially when they know theyâre in the wrongâŚNo,you are not wrongâŚYour mom has trust issues bc she failed to protect u herself & is feeling guilty for it,but yet do not want to take the responsibility for itâŚJust donât be too carefulâŚ
Your mom has no place in your life just based on the things that happened to you when she was supposed to be protecting you, why would you even subject yourself and your family to someone that disgustingâŚwillingly. Maybe the real problem is your decision to allow her in your lives. A padlock on the outside of her door?? REALLY? thatâs doesnât sound alarming to you? 
keep that b!tch in your heart if you need toâŚ.but not in your life.
Go with your gut instinct, it NEVER sends you wrong messages, maybe ask your Mum to back off, but thank her for being caring, you know what your doing, good luck
Stop talking to your mom 
I did best choice I ever made she never admitted anything and blamed her five children for making her exâs plural beat and rape my siblings 
some people never chance get away from that toxic
My mother wouldnât be in my life if she willingly associated herself with sexual predators. Iâm sorry youâre having to deal with this. I would of cut her off after she acted like it was your fault and her sending your abuser money. Im so so sorry.
Itâs a guilty conscience your mums carrying for not protecting you. As mothers I feel we would know 100% & if you have no concerns about you partner and your daughter then tell your mother to back off. Sheâs causing problems where there ainât any. She needs to take responsibility for what has happened & leave your family & that situation alone⌠YOU as a mother would know. Goodluck girl 
Be honest . Tell your mom you remember. Keep your children close.
Iâd tell her she shouldâve taken her own advice when you were a child. And just because she picked and stood by a perv not all men are like that then Iâd cut all ties with her. Thatâs not a healthy relationship that you two have she sounds toxic
My wifeâs mom did this too me. I was in the kiddie pool playing with her (sheâs mine but not biologically) 4 year old. sheâs 9 now. Anyway she was sitting on my stomach and I was moving up and down creating a wave like situation. Just fun. She said watch me yadda yadda. I feel like since it happened to every one of her kids and she did nothing she projected that concern onto me. I was irritated but in the end I thought well at least she said something this time I guessâŚ
I do not think that you have to explain yourself.
Cut all ties.
It is extremely toxic.
I would not be having her around you have all right to feel the way you do
I wouldnât be talking to my mom she needs to go
Uhm⌠maâam⌠this woman is talking about locking a child in a room.
Leave her in the past. Period.
Man I wonât even talk to mineâŚ.
Idk why the fuck you havenât cut her off cuz thatâs what you shouldâve done a long ass time ago. But also she has no fucking right to be saying any of this. If you suspect your partner might be on some pedo vibes why the fuck are you even still with him.
She needs to stop!
Iâm the mother of a SA victim as well as being one myself.
I always had discussions with my children about awareness to SA, but still both daughters weređitâs not your mothers place to say this as itâs difficult for you enough.Tell her no more or she needs to leave as itâs toxic for your headspace and relationship
I relate to this so much. Your baby and dad deserve to have a normal relationship. Please donât let your past and your mother change that. Your mom needs to stop.
Wouldnât be leaving her with the kids, sheâd probably let the pedos baby sit.
Why is she still aloud near you or your kids? Kick the witch to the curb nd your life will be a thousand times less stressful! I did it myself 10 years ago, best thing i ever did for myself
Iâm so sorry you went through that, I would have left her behind and hated her, for not protecting you⌠you are a better person than me still having her around⌠Tbh she doesnât deserve to be⌠so if you continue with her around, donât let her cloud your judgement and intuition because she FAILED you⌠all the best
She would not be coming over to my house. If you trust your partner that is between you two. It sounds like she reflecting what happened on you still
Wth did I just read! You are definitely in the right mama and are not overeacting
If your mum never got to know your partner and is telling you to keep a eye on your children because she thinks your partner may get up to something tell her that she is stepping over the line, that she doesnât get to assume those things. But also keep in mind that it does sound like sheâs been through a hell of a ordeal to even assume the worst of your partner.
Shes probably traumatized and over compensating for her own guilt and lack of protectingâŚ
If i were you i would tell her tl back of because of anybody im sure you would catch
On to somthing like that if it were happening.
You need to stand up to her andmput her in her place and also set clear boundaries⌠If she refuses to respect it im sure you shoukd have no problem showing her the door after everything she didnt do to protect you
She should have protected YOU when it was her watch. She failed. Donât let HER past affect your life & family. Tell her to piss off, seriously
Itâs her guilt talking not her rational self. She may need therapy to process what her husband did to her flesh and blood and the fact she blamed you , a child, for it. Talk to her and have a honest and frank chat about those times and how it made you feel and her for hearing it. He wouldnât have gone to jail if it wasnât done so sheâll be feeling bad that a bunch of strangers decided this when she knew him from home and itâs beyond her comprehension that he coukd do that to you and her not see the signs. Sheâs not a bad person , just guilty of supporting the wrong person and thatâs coming through now because of how old your oh is. Itâs scared her and she needs to talk to someone. People make wrong choices all the time but sheâs projecting and thatâs not fair on you. If she wants any happy relationship with you and your family moving forward then she needs to get help
This sounds like unresolved trauma with your mother. Itâs time to establish some clear boundaries concerning her role in your daughters life as well as her role in providing you with input.
My mother was almost like that too. Having a certain mind set about guys, and assume they are all the same.
My mother has a bad choice in guys and is always getting hurt by them. So when I got with my hubby 6 years ago, she wouldnât stop saying negative thing about him and that heâs the same as her exâs. Mind you, I knew the guy since middle school. Sure, I didnât know him completely being I only knew how he was in school. But still, he is the total opposite of the guys she sees. And she still puts him in their category.
My mother used to tell my older daughter that my hubby didnât love her, and will show favoritism to her sister since sheâs his daughter. Mind you, my hubby loves all three of my kids equally. (I just had my son back in Nov). My grandmother said that too. They donât think that heâs a good father because thay donât see what he does for them and just run their mouth. I argued with my mother to try to tell her that my husband wasnât like the guys she knows and she didnât want to listen. We were at my grandparents house and I just told my family to load up into the car cause we were leaving. This was before baby boy was even thought of.
Just⌠Ugh⌠Sorry ranted a little. You do you and donât let your mom tell you what to do
Trying to makeup for being a shitty mother to you!!!
Donât play her game. Thatâs toxic get out.
Sorry but your mother sounds toxic and has no respect for you or your partner.
She needs to mind her own business and let you run your own life
Honestly you need to cut that toxic woman out of your life. Just because she is related to you by blood does not mean she has the right to make you feel as small and as rubbish as she does.
Nobody has to put up with that and youâre the only one who can put a stop to it. Donât let your children be affected by her toxicity!
My mom accused my sisters man of molesting her kids, and she never met him. It is because our mom let our dad do it to us. She cut our mom out completely and no one blames her. There were other things, but that was the last straw.
If you canât trust your own kid to be alone with HER FATHER/your husband you should not be with him
Iâm am so sorry for all youâve been thru its heartbreaking and a horrible go of life, having been a victim of sa as well(which I rarely bring up as a man.) But as a man I would be absolutely heart broken if my partner didnât even trust me to be alone with my daughters and furious if her mother was constantly around telling her these things about me having failed to even protect her own child.
Sounds like your mother has the problemâŚI wouldnât be leaving your kids with herâŚsomething donât sit right with your post about her.
Your mother should have been protecting you and didnât so she has no right to tell you what to do with your children
Your last comment answered your question
She supported your abuser and that is abuse within itself.
You are not wrong, reading your post brought back so many memories for me, I feel like I could have wrote the first part myself. When I turned to my mum for her help she stood by my step dad, even after I went to police. Whole family turned against me, I moved out when I was 18 and have not gone back. I cut them all out of my life, I made myself homeless, I rebuilt my life. Cut her lose, concentrate on your family and not what your mum says. You have absolutely every right to feel the way you do. You are stronger and braver than me for letting your mum around. I hope you manage to find some ground level with her
Iâd be livid as well. No, maâam, you do you. And ask her kindly to drop the subject because not only does it hurt you, but she did nothing to help you in your childhood, and whatâs worse is that she was resentful towards a CHILD. Iâm sorry you have to go through this with her.
Im so sorry about what your step dad did to you 
It seems that your mum is trying to cause issues in your relationship because she was such a poor excuse as a mum when you said about what her partner was doing to you. I admit I would of struggled to of forgiven her for not believing you and backing him up in the first place.
Maybe you could sit her down and tell her that you donât appreciate her judging your partner nor do you like her telling you what to do regarding your daughter and your partner and their relationship let her know if she still carries on then you will cut her from your life (unless your happy to kick her to the curb then Iâd just do that and not give her any more chances). Good luck x
Your mother is the one to worry about not your partner. Sounds like she might be trying to turn you against him and using your past trauma to do that. Iâm sure your daughter would come to you if she had any concerns herself. And you know your partner more than anyone. Just because itâs family doesnât mean theyâre not a piece of shit.
Your mom has a lot of balls to be all concerned now. Shame on her for what she did to you.
That being said:
My husband, who was stepdad to my kids, sexually assaulted one of my twins when she was 5.
Ruined our lives. I believed her right away. I was devastated that someone I chose hurt my child.
So just be careful and aware.
She feels guilty for not standing by you
Your mum sounds like a problem to me⌠she sits and eats with these people⌠ignores what theyâre doing? Has your mum ever been inappropriate? Other than the fact that she supported the man that abused you and continues to support pedophiles in the familyâŚ
She sounds offâŚ
Your mother is toxic. She didnât protect u and she damn sure donât care about protecting ur child. She is trying to take some of the guilt she feels for what happened to u and show u that u could be in her same position as she was. Honestly I wouldnât leave ur kids alone with ur mother EVER. I havenât left my mom with my kids in 3 years due to her drinking and her inability to acknowledge the things she does to hurt people. To be honest my life has been stress free without her constant issues.
Your mom sounds beyond toxicâŚ
Keep your child AWAY FROM THEM. SHES NO BETTER SORRY ITS YOUR MOM. KEEP HER AWAY. THIS IS YOUR CHILD.
Sounds like sheâs projecting on to you, maybe guilt from not protecting you? Or possibly patronizing you as part of continued abuse (supporting your abuser is abuse). Either way, I wouldnât let her anywhere near my children. She sounds toxic and unsafe.
I wouldnât have contact with her at all.
Next time she suggest these things tell her âyea mom like u did all these things for me when I really needed u ?â
Get rid of your mom. I went through some bad things and the struggle didnât end till I let go of my mother.
Iâm sorry this happened to you.
This is harsh but
I would tell your Mother you would never let anything happen to your daughter and if she doesnât keep her mouth shut she will be out of all of your lives
Your mom is NOT a safe person she should be nowhere near your children. Do not teach your children she is safe person by having her around. At the very least teach them that sheâs a tricky person.
Also the way you wrote about no one getting near or being around you child alone including your partner makes me feel concerned. Idk if you ever went to therapy with someone that specifically helps SA victims but I think it might be time. If you trust your partner then the children can be alone with him. If this is from your trauma then you need to deal with it before it continues and affects your relationship. I understand how hard it is and the therapy was not easy. It meant confronting a lot of truths I hadnât admitted out loud to myself yet and then working through it and healing myself.
Sheâs probably riddled with guilt and has anxiety from her own actions, and what she let happen to you. She might not be handling herself well, but it is most likely coming from a place of love. Sounds like she could use some help dealing with her feelings.
you are not wrong nor are you going crazy. I was a victim of sexual abuse and neglect, but it was an older brother. My oldest sister was preyed on by my fatherâs friends with his blessing. I have no advice but just know you are not wrong or crazy.
Tell your mother she needs help. I wouldnât leave her alone with my kids. You canât lock a child in their room. Itâs against the law .
Sounds like her quilt is coming out!!
Sheâs not a safe person for your children to be around. So donât let them be around her
My mother blames me for being SA by her partner at the time⌠15 years later still blames me. I walked out of her life with my son. Sounds toxic and leave please!
I dont have any tolerance for pedophilia, do not sit , visit or dine with them and be clear why , do not let them see or be around your or any kids and say why . Tell her itâs now your job to protect your child and she needs to address the know pedos and quit accusing your partner. However you must always remember anyone can be this person in your childs life be vigilant always .
I would be mad to she never protected you and then gave him money in jail I would tell her about it and tell her to shut up sheâs the one who let you get assaulted when you was little 
but always be on the lookout with your own daughter Iâm sure you are best wishes to you !!
Trust your sexual abuse spidey sense. Not every man is a pedophile. You likely have a better sense who is one and who is not. I hate to say this but sounds like you need to keep your distance around family with so many pedophiles as you say coming to family dinners. Pedophiles often reoffend. She did not protect you nor can she ever be trusted to protect your daughters. I hope yout s/o has a loving family you can embrace. I also hope you have been honest with your s/o about your past abuse. Be brave if you havenât. He needs to know. He can learn how to love you better if he knows the whole story. I find often people hide their past sexual abuse from partners. Thing is by talking about abuse with a man, you can also get a better read on him about how he reacts. And kudos to you for being healed enough to know not every man is a pedophile. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse as a small child. There are many scars and much healing to always be done. The biggest healing point for me is being able to talk about my abuse openly. These men are monsters and there is no shame carried by their victims, though they often are too ashamed to tell people. You are right. Families tend to hide pedophile family members as if nothing ever happened. The world will always have a pedophile problem until families start turning them in for their crimes and until they start serving life in prison which is what these often repeat offenders deserve.
She didnât protect you from them , &now is overcompensating. I agree with the person above, not every man is the same. Not every man wants to touch children. Iâm not sure how your man isnât completely puzzled by the fact that you wouldnât trust him enough to accept help for your child or leave them alone with him. Therapy is what u need,& u might need to cut mom off as well. She doesnât know your man, but you do. If he canât ever earn your trust in this way,it means there is a bigger issue within you that you havenât ever faced.
Ask her where she was when u needed her support.
You should tell your mom your not like her, YOU wonât let bad things happen to your daughter like she did to you. I wouldnât be around her anymore.
I wouldnât have your mom around your children. I also would chose to limit my interactions with her to a coffee and lunch once a month without your children.
Ideally, cutting ties all together would be best.
She is projecting her failure to protect her own daughter onto her granddaughter.
She feels guilty for not believing you. She needs to pass that guilt on to you. Call her out. Ask her why sheâs suspicious of him when your step father did molest you & she wouldnât listen to you.
My question is she never did anything to protect you where were your door locks ect. If she has all this knowledge of how to protect your daughter why didnât she put it to use for your. Iâm thinking she is feeling guilty for what she allowed to happen under her watch
Maybe itâs her guilt and NOW she wants to protectđ when there isnât anything to protect
Too late Mom 
It sounds like she just wants to deflect which sadly happens to be on your spouse. I would be extremely annoyed. Especially if she is also in denial
In my opinion I would be annoyed too she had her chance to make sure a little girl didnât get sexually abused and she failed so her input is not really needed or wanted
Sheâs projecting her fear and emotions from not protecting you⌠She was shitty then and her generation will never admit that or apologize so sheâs trying to protect your kid from what you went through. You need to sit with your mom and tell her that and tell her that you arenât her and you are capable of listeing to and protecting your child.
Stand up to her and tell her like it is. The nerve of that woman.
First off I would cut her our of your life. She sounds like the type that if your SO makes her mad by not doing exactly what she says she will call CPS saying he did something to your child. You dont need toxic family and neither does your child. Also I suggest some therapy for you. Im not saying anything is wrong with you, but eventually your child will have to stay with her dad and you have to be able to let her without worrying he will do something. Also when she starts preschool or kindergarten it will get worse. Im speaking from experience, so it would be better to get some therapy to make it easier for you to be parted from her a little here and there
Send your mother to a therapistâŚshe has guilt issues
Iâd cut ties with her sheâs trying to ruin your relationship. Iâm sure your a good mom and you watch your daughter so well.
You need to keep your mother away!
I would tell her itâs too little too late. She should have been protecting you when it was happening to you, not blaming you and supporting your abuser. She has no right to try to further victimize you by trying to be a hero now and protect your child from a threat that doesnât exist. These feelings sheâs having are the consequences of treating you like your suffering didnât matter. You shouldnât have to be the one to alleviate them.
Dude why do you even still talk to her? Stop letting her in. A parent that acts like that isnât a real parent. Sheâs a danger to you and your child. You already know she canât choose the right side or make the right decision when push comes to shove. Her priorities are all screwed up, and she has no right to give you a drop of advice. She failed you in ways no one should be failed. She can shut right the fuck up. Gray Rock her ass.
Maybe you need to get some distance from herâŚand take time for yourself to healâŚIt sounds more to me that she enjoys making you live in fearâŚnormal is NOT padlocking your childâs doorâŚI really wish you would consider some counseling for yourselfâŚit would be beneficial to your daughter life for you to deal with what you have going onâŚas for your momâŚagain distance yourself from her and your childâŚshe is nor do g you any favorsâŚand always trust your own gutâŚit knowsâŚtake care of you and your childâŚso very sorry to hear you were SAâŚand I totally understand protecting your childâŚbut how can you have a healthy relationship with anyone if you have no trust what so ever on even leaving your child with this personâŚthereâs alot going on hereâŚplease ⌠seek help dealing g with it allâŚit will change your world
Sheâs confirmed that she is still in denial and trying to put you on guilt trip,tell to get rid of the danger she puts your daughter in by having known abusers at her table.
I would be straight up honest and blunt. Tell her sheâs the one who married the pedophile, then believed the pedophile instead of her own daughter. Tell her to take her opinions and shove them where the sun doesnât shine. Honestly if it were me, I wouldnât have anything to do with her. I woulda written her outta my life a long time ago
Thatâs super toxic. Ask her why sheâs willing to fight on her behalf but wasnât willing to fight or stand up for you. No thanks to her you know how to protect your daughter.
Her dialogue is called gaslighting. Do some research⌠itâs not you
Your mom is only trying to be mean. Itâs a Narcissistic way of going about it. Because you accused her âhusbandâ when you were little. She didnât believe you when you told her like mine didnât believe me when I was a 8 year old girl.
Get her out of your home! Sheâs the toxic one and let her be with the rest of the family. You raise your babies with your husband and leave her the hell out!!!
sounds like my family. but on a serious note mother or not i would go off on her. ive went off on my own mother because she allowed a family member that sexually abused my siser and i, around my little sisters (16 - 20 year age gap) my mother knew he abused my sister and i we told her. she brushed it under the rug and then had the balls to let him come around them like my sister and i wouldnt say something to her. protect your children at all cost mamas. and if she wants to keep talking sh8t about your SO then bring up all the family pedos she has something to do with.
I think you should have cut ties with her as soon as you were old enough to get away from her. She didnât protect you and it seems she allowed it ! You and your family will be much happier with her out of your life. I have no use for anybody that allows a child or elderly person to be abused!
I would remove this person from my and my childrenâs lives. I did it with my mom and have no regrets! (Similar situation, she stayed married to the guy)
Your mom doesnât get to interfere in your husband and your daughter building a relationship.
GirlâŚget your kids away from anyone who is toxic, including family members who think abusers are okay
Girl cut those ties.
Any mother that expresses resentment to their child over SA like that does not deserve the title mother.
And as mentioned above therapy would be wonderful for you to work through that trauma
She sounds like she is trying to make you second guess your partner because you made her second guess hers. How sick! This is terrible. Tell her to back off or she will not be welcome in your home.