Background - my ex-husband went from having supervised visits to a couple of hours unsupervised to overnights for custody over the time span of a year and a half. He also has a 10-month-old with another lady and doesn’t have custody of that baby. Now my ex-husband has been leaving our kids (both under 4yrs old) with his girlfriend (of about a year) on his weekend and goes to work all day, he recently threatened to take me to court for 50/50 physical custody, and I confronted him about not spending time with our kids as it is and leaving them with the girlfriend, and he said that I should just be grateful that she helps him with them and that he thinks they have a better relationship with her than they do with him. The most frustrating thing is that he manages his own schedule for work when he knows it’s his time to be with our kids and from personal experience, I know he works late so i tell him if you are going to work, leave them with me instead then the convo goes downhill - apart from that issue I just put our kids in daycare, and he said that I need to give authorization for his girlfriend to pick the kids up, and I finally said if our kids are spending so much time with this lady I need to finally meet her, and he went off saying that all I do is cause problems for him and that she doesn’t need to deal with me because she’s pregnant (his 4th child from women #3) and I said I wasn’t going to argue with him if he didn’t let me meet his girlfriend when she isn’t going to be on the list to pick our kids up, and he can be responsible and pick them up himself. Am i wrong for wanting to meet the lady that my kids are spending the most time with over there? And is it excessive for me to not put anyone on the pickup list at daycare? I need advice - I think this situation is just going to get worse as time goes by
I’d want to know her too if I were you…
Yes it’s only fair you meet her and you never no. I worried about this and when I met my exes girlfriend we get on fantastically!
You have every right to meet her since she’s around the kids and spending the most time with them. And if they want you to put her on the pick up list from Daycare. I wouldn’t allow that until you meet her and establish a co parenting relationship with her.
I giving him too much power & he’s apparently hiding something when she has them just show up they’re welfare is more important than his feelings & be prepared to document with photo
Absolutely the deal was it’s there time with him, so if he’s not there then he isn’t fulfilling the agreement of his time. Damn right I would want to know who’s caring for my kids. In saying that treat her respectfully and friendly, if she’s being good to the kiddos.
I wouldn’t let my kids go to his house till I met her, I wouldn’t care about his threats.
Stand your ground, you have every right to know who is in your children’s lives, regardless of what wonder dick says.
Not wrong for wanting to meet her at all, especially considering how younger your children are. As for the pick up thing, if she is very much a part of his life and what not, and as long as you meet her and get an ok feeling with her in terms of her seeming like a decent person who will take care of your children well, there really is no reason not to put her on the pick up list. Because think of it this way, if you and him are the only ones on it and for some reason he doesn’t or cant pick them up, it falls on you no matter what since you are the primary care provider. If you’re ok with that, then do what feels good for you.
You need a “first right of refusal” or something like that in the custody order. Basically if he is not there to take care of the kids during his time he has to ask you first if you will take care of them. Ask your lawyer
If she’s spending so much time with your children then you absolutely have the right to meet. Be respectful though… your ex man may suck, but she may genuinely care about your kids. You want to have a good relationship with her if she’s going to be around them a lot.
Yes you have all the rights in the world to meet her.she is basically a stranger,he wants all this custody but he never there,I would let the courts know all of that.
Definitely your right to meet who is spending time with your kids while supposed to be with him. Don’t back down.
Not at all wrong, I would be the same. It’s not like you are going to start an argument or be hostile, the woman is part of your childrens lives and potentially their stepmother
I agree you should meet her because you don’t know what he tells her and you can develop a co-parenting relationship with her especially if she is picking up the kids from school.
But as far as what he does on his time I don’t think you should stress it. My hub works and is hardly ever home and I have my bonus baby 90% of the time and his ex argued that she needed to have her daughter because I’m not her mom 
I get that but hubs has full custody and she had the wknds. I never interfered and always communicated with her and I met her before anything changed.
I would of made it a point to meet her before my kids were going to be spending extended periods of time there. You definitely have a right to meet her and if she is a decent woman she will understand 100%.
I think your being more than fair. Asking to meet her is the mature, responsible thing to do. What kind of mom would you be to just trust a stranger.
You will feel better once you have met her. Besides she not married to him. She might be a great person but honestly baby nr 4 with him - unwed. She’s not thinking is she. No arrange to meet her. The sooner the better. And then decide IF she can collect from school. Bearing in mind to copy her drivers licence then.
I think you’re doing it right as you are now. You should meet her, then decide from there whether shes an approved pick up adult for daycare release.
You’re not over reacting or being crazy by any means. Maybe if you and the gf meet and can be civil with each other then things between you and the ex would improve as well. Cant hurt by trying!
Ask your kids about the lady and if she treats them nicely. Ask nicely to meet the lady since they have the same father. Move on from there.
- do you have a right as a mother to want to know who your kids are around? Absolutely 2) does he have any obligation whatsoever to introduce you to her? No. Unless it was already written in some custody order, how he spends his time with the kids is up to him. But if this woman is pregnant, and you truly just want to meet her mother to mother - maybe make an effort to reach out to her directly. I think another woman would respect it, coming from mom to mom vs ex to current girlfriend. But again, you can always have the custody papers rewritten.
You are 100% right xxx
Your a better mum than me, because I would of wanted to meet her before my children was being left in her care.
U have every right to want to meet her, stand your ground x
You’re definitely not wrong here. Keep being the responsible one. He’s proven to not be reliable. Meet the girlfriend.
Id take him back to court. But yes u do have a right to know who is around your children esp if hes not around. Women can be predators too!
You should definitely meet her, too many crazy people these days to not know who your kids are being left with.
Absolutely YES you should meet her. Nobody in their right mind wants their children cared for by a stranger. It makes complete sense that you would want to meet this woman. Also it makes complete sense to do so before adding her to the pick up list.
In today’s world, we see a lot of bad shit happening to children by the hand of boyfriends or girlfriends of a single parent. You have every right to be acquainted with the person who is caring for your children. You may even like this woman and have an easier time dealing with her than him. (This was the case in my personal experiences. My ex’s gf was always easier to make arrangements with! And I actually really liked her and felt better that she was around!)
As for 50/50 custody…It doesn’t sound like he is in the position to make such a threat. And that poor woman he is with probably isn’t supportive of this and I think he’s asking too much of her! He clearly doesn’t want to actually parent the children- otherwise he would be there when he has them! He’s only saying those things to hurt you.
You should meet her and use your maternal instincts to assess whether you want your children left with her.
Yes! Your childrens welfare is your number one concern. Of course you should meet her if they are spending so much time with her. The fact that he has an issue with this is a red flag. Why doesnt he want you to meet her?
Best to meet her on a friendly level . I would be interested in knowing how she will cope with her baby when it arrives & your 2 young kids. It’s not easy having 3 littlens. Will she still manage to pick the kids up? Will she give proper attention to ur kids when baby is around (sleepless nights etc). It maybe ok now but what about later. How involved will daddy be with 3 young ones & school etc.
You need to know who is picking your kids up and who they are spending time with I would never let my kids go with someone I didn’t know
You did not have children with the flavor of the year. You had children with your ex husband. The visitation is for him to spend time with his children, not for “her” to have to babysit them for him.
Where I live, a “live in girlfriend” that was babysitting a boy that just turned three years old, for the father to work has been charged with crimes that lead to the baby having brain damage that of which he died a couple days ago. Please, please protect your young children. That is why god gave them mothers. Nobody loves a child like their mother does, and no offence towards men, but they can’t give birth to children for a reason.
Go back to court. This is a nightmare.
No it isn’t. If he manages to schedule he should be able to schedule himself off on the weekend that his kids are there. it’s great she’s willing to help but you should meet her and actually approve of her because if he needs approval or whatever for day cares and whatnot like you don’t have to put her on the list. Manages his own schedule he can book himself that time off if he needs to pick them up there’s no excuse for this at all especially if he makes his own schedule. Let him take you to court this is just a tactic to intimidate you into doing what he wants you to do. my ex did this multiple times and guess what I haven’t heard from him in a year and he hasn’t done anything including taking me to court. So let him run his mouth and if he does it then there you go
I would tell him for the safety of my children u can see them when i meet her!!
If you start letting him walk all over you like this he’s going to do it the entire time
My boys’ father isn’t even on the list to pick them up. He wouldn’t let me meet his now ex so I just showed up one day. Thankful I did. It’s not crazy at all to me.
Not at all! Its only natural for a mother to want to know the person who their children are being looked after for such longer periods of time… dont agree to anymore visits until you’ve met and feel comfortable
A judge wouldn’t force her to meet you. Unless some paper says he cannot have someone around them he can have whomever he wants. Same with you.
You have ever right to meet her! Especially if she is watching your kids while he is at work!
You have every right to meet this lady keep your foot down and dont let him walk all over you
I’d take him back to court regarding the custody… if he isn’t spending the time with them cause of work they can stay with you.
Definitely reasonable for you to meet her. Honestly you should have met her after six months max. I would have wanted to meet her right off, exspecially with kids that young.
Absolutely not ! U as a mom have every right to meet this lady that is taking care of ur children while he’s gone if he doesn’t let u meet her then talk to ur lawyer
Nothing wrong with wanting to meet her but maybe the ultimatums aren’t the best way to go. I would be grateful that she is helping him with the children and just say that you would like to meet her but not give ultimatums to meet her or her not be picking them up as she has already been taking care of them for a year
I’d take him back to court if I was you.doesnt sound like he’s really interested in spending time with the kids.its not his girlfriends place.kids should just stay home with you till he maybe grows up. Theyre your kids protect them momma.
You should know everyone that will be in your children’s lives.
You are not wrong at all and if she is a decent respectful woman she should want to meet you also.
I agree with you 100%
Sounds like you need to document everything and go back to court.
I’ve been on both ends of this, my husband works all the time, all day, everyday. I keep my step son when he’s at work when it’s our time to have him. Because even though he works, he spends time with him when he comes home, not all dads get the opportunity to have their schedules set according to court dates(we’ve tried countless times) at the beginning his ex didn’t like me from the beginning because I was expecting, didn’t want to meet me or have nothing to do with me. But when he went to work I still watched and took care of my step son. I tried to be civil and reach out but I can only do so much. Honestly if that who he chooses to be with and they eventually get married sooner or later she’s going to be able to do things like that as far as picking up the child and all that. Years later, I now meet with my step sons mom to pick him up and drop him off, it’s not easy but it gets easier just as long as everyone understands this is for the child and the child’s happiness, good luck mama!
Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. I think you have every right to meet her. With everything that’s going on he should understand your reasoning behind your request
let me know if you want a background check. BTW, you has full custody and if you don’t want to authorize gf to pick up your child tell the daycare that she is NOT to pick up. Schools don’t want trouble so they should comply with no problem. I would go as far as to put it in writing with a picture and have it notorized. Dad can threaten custody issues all he wants but, it’s up to him to provide the court with with any evidence against you or for him. He needs an attorney that would even accept his case. Not likely he can afford such a defense!
There is no need to go to court over this. What he does on his time is up to him, not you. If he wants her to watch them then he has that right. No judge on the face of the planet is going to create a court order that you MUST meet the “new” s/o…don’t make it such a conflict and just offer to meet casual at the park and let the kids play. I can tell a significant amount about the situation just by reading the post- you’re going to either decide to leave it alone or you’re not, but my suggestion is if no one is harming the kids there is no need for the extra drama.
I wouldnt be putting someone on the list to pick up my kids when I don’t even know that person!!!
Not all all mama!!! I would not put her on the list!! Her as a woman should have wanted to meet you anyway when she is going to be around your kids!!! That’s called respect!
Of course you should meet her, if you don’t watch out for your kids who is going to do it? You’re so completely in the right for wanting to assess the situation yourself, what exactly do you have besides that, the grudgingly given word of a man who it seems can’t even be nice to you (um, the mother of his children, there’s no excuse for that). I’m wondering if he used to only have supervised visits, why was that, and if 18 months is a little quick to assume he’s stabilized enough to get that much more leeway, especially as he seems to keep impregnating women despite (and I realize this is total speculation on my part) perhaps not really being ready to be a dad. Anyway you should stand up for yourself, your instincts are good in feeling you need to inquire into this, follow them.
You should have met her a long time ago! Here in Indiana, if one parent is scheduled to have the child/ children but isnt able to physically be around to care for then, the other parent has the opportunity for additional parenting time.
Go back to court hun. This is crazy!
Good luck girlie. I have been fighting with my ex to meet his GF for years now. Unfortunately you can’t force anyone to meet you if they don’t want to. what he does in his own time while having the kids (working), is his business as long as the kids aren’t in danger. Just like what you do with your time with the kids is your business, not his. Try to take deep breaths and hope and be thankful that this other woman is treating the kids very well. It sucks sharing custody.
I’ve met my boyfriends sons mom 
we hang out and have coffee! It’s not wrong at all ! It’s all for the kiddos ! 
Agree with you a million%!! I wouldn’t let any woman near my children until I meet her and feel confident that they will be safe with her xx
You are never going to get a judge to tell you that he has to let you meet her.
It’s his responsibility to make arrangements for childcare when they are on his time with them and he is working. If that is a girlfriend then that’s up to him. It’s his responsibility as a parent to make sure that they are in good care while he is working just as it would be your responsibility to make sure of the same thing while you are working. As for the Daycare pick up list I don’t think anything like that needs to be changed without consent from a lawyer but that is only if you have sole/primary custody. If your custody is shared then he has every right to call the day care and tell them that he wants his girlfriend to be able to pick them up on his time with them. Just as you could do the same thing with a boyfriend.
Not wrong at all. You should absolutely have a relationship with his girlfriend if she is spending so much time with your kids. You need to know her parenting styles and the whole thing.
Not at all I would want to meet her too…I’m sure she’s not going to be the last gf…I see this all the time men getting with new gf and after the kid born time and time again new relationship new kids…hoping everything works out
Yeah go back to court he sounds like a narcissist. You cannot reason with them period. they gaslight and turn everything around, which is exactly what he’s doing! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, as am I!
Omg 
if the kids aren’t being harmed in anyway LEAVE THEM ALONE 
A judge will tell you its none of your business what goes on at his house. Wanting to meet her of course we all so. But you don’t get to give ultimatums. They are his kids to and hes the main parent when in his care.
You are not wrong…so long as your intent is just as you stated to get to know the woman who spends time with your children while in your ex-husbands care! Regardless of how many kids he has with however many women… this is who he has been with for over a year and who he seems to be choosing to start fresh with! Be open minded most women do not want to take the mother’s place… and as a divorced mother of two! I’m always happy when my ex is with someone new and the one question I ask my kids is" is she good to you guys?" If the answer is yes…I trust the kids father to Weed out the bad choices!
You are not wrong. I would not be okay with this either until I met her
Unfortunately even though you set up daycare for your days. If you have 50/50 he can show up with a copy of the court order to take them out and even add her on the list. Hopefully he doesn’t know that but want you to know that so maybe you can talk to the daycare about those guild lines. As that’s what I was told in 3different states
If she’s around your kids 24/7, you should meet her.
You should have met her before they were ever left with her. You don’t know her. You would never drop them off at a babysitter without meeting them first. This is no different. The dad and close friend should be on the emergency pick up but she is not a friend if you haven’t even met her…
According to my lawyer, you dont have to add the gf until they are married.
I see where you are coming from but what is meeting her going to do? You don’t have to like her. You don’t have to date her. If your kids have a good relationship with her and she treats them right then your opinion of her shouldn’t matter. Is he at work the ENTIRE weekend? Like doesn’t see them AT ALL? Kids need a routine and structure. For you to say they shouldn’t be over there with her if he is working, messes up the routine and you are doing more harm than good. My husband and I have kids from separate relationships and we are pregnant with one together now. He is in the oilfield and is out of town often on his weekend and the boys still come to my house and spend the entire weekend with me. No sense in disrupting the routine especially if they are being taken care of. She should be allowed to pick them up also if it’s to bring them to THEIR house for HIS part of the custody agreement. Saying she shouldn’t be allowed to simply because you can, seems like a power move 
You’re not wrong at all. I woulda demanded meeting her after the first time she was brought around my kids, esp if they are left alone with her 🤷
Id go back to court if they are constantly left with a girlfriend. My ex husband tried this when he went for 50/50 but the judge laughed at him because im a sahm and if he isnt going to have them they should be with me. You have every right to know the person who has your kids. I did my own research when my ex wouldn’t let me meet his now wife, #3. A judge won’t give him 50/50 with his reason being well my gf can watch them for me
You should know who your kids are around. Period.
Kinda sounds like he possibly may be cheating and her keeping the kids guarantees she’s not out spying or checking up on him:face_with_monocle:
You need to look into first right of refusal, where if he doesn’t have the kids he has to give you the time before allowing anyone else to watch them
You should meet her. Thank her for helping and caring for your children. If it’s safe let her pick up. Be part of the solution if you can.
It’s not wrong at all wanting to know who your kids are with who they have in there lives in my opinion u have every right to meet her
You should meet her and hopefully can have a good relationship with her as she is spending so much time with your kids .
Tip: dont talk abt your ex with her in any situation other then him being a father , have a open mind , show her the respect you would want . I bet she is a great lady and can add to the richness of your children’s life .
If you dont like her based on reasonable reasons then be upfront but not judgmental.
Your kids can really benefit from the adults in thier lives modeling respect and flexibility.
Where I’m from girlfriends have no rights to your children, wether it’s picking up from daycare, school or watching them at home. Once they are married there are different stipulations. By the sounds of it you don’t really have any personal problems with her being around them so asking to finally meet her should be NO problem at all. As a parent who shares custody that’s basic respect. Personally I wouldn’t allow my children to be around anyone new before at least 6 months, wether it was my new bf or his, just to ensure that I am protecting my children the best I can. If you still haven’t met her after a whole year and your children have I would have a serious problem with that.
You arent wrong to want to meet her however if you keep pestering him & getting him worked up before asking then no he’s not going to be down for it. If the kids have a good relationship with her then be happy. It really does sound like you’re just being petty. If he has a baby on the way, then yeah he’s gotta get in extra hours to be able to care for ALL his kids. You should pick and choose your battles & as long as they’re safe on his time, then let him do whatever he wants on HIS time. The children will grow up to know that Dad worked to provide for them not that Dad chose to ditch them for drugs or alcohol.
Do not put her on the authorized list unless you are comfortable with her
Very possible you can have a better relationship with her than the ex
You have every right to know who is watching your children and if he is such a great dad then he should understand this. Don’t put the in any pick up list unless you know her.
If she is good to your kids, I don’t see the problem with them being around her. HOWEVER!!! I think you should absolutely meet her!
I think that it’s absolutely reasonable to ask to meet her with her taking care of your kids. I think it’s about of respect for him to let you meet her. If my daughter was saying with my ex’s gf who I never met and something happened in her care because she could be incompetent I would never forgive myself.
Legally you’re not required to put her on the pick up.
They are his kids and his responsibility.
I would want to meet her also. But I wouldn’t give an ultimatum.
If this is gonna be the other half of ypur kids “team” ( and you genuinely want to meet her and not go in with a negitive attitude) then I would go outta my way to find/ contact her regardless of what he wants/ says…
Dude sounds like an ass hat who should learn what a condom is…
I think it’s good to meet the new partners… this way if either parent isn’t able to drop off or collect the children then the new partners can without it being awkward… the main thing to all agree on is the children and their happiness…
I agree 100% absolutely nothing wrong g with meeting her. If she will be caring for your children when dad is not around you should meet her… 9 x’s outta 10 he’s talked bad about you to her and is afraid y’all are gonna be just fine …
I’ve been the girlfriend to someone’s baby daddy (now married & step mom) and I felt it was important for the mom to know me because I’m who is around her child when she isn’t. I didn’t want to be a stranger to her.
It sounds like he’s actually trying to be a father. Hes put in the effort to have them unsupervised for a long period of time. Most men and some woman can’t even accomplish that. Cut him a bit of slack! Hes also working. It does suck he makes his schedule and decides to work when they are there but this lady is going to be a huge part of their lives either way! You should be glad she’s dedicated and love them.You should definitely have the right to meet her if he wants her to able to pick them up and I wouldn’t give in on that argument. But
You need to let go of the fact that he’s having more kids and so on though.
Coming from the child’s perspective, my mom met my step mom before she and my father even got serious or were around my sister and I. In order to co parent you have to have openess on both ends. Yes it’s important you meet her, but don’t be two faced about it either. If you have a new significant other and your ex wants to meet him, he has every right as well.
Oh dang I feel like the “girlfriend” In this situation lol … Definitely definitely definitely you should meet her! I was watching my mans kids if he had to go to work on weekends, which wasn’t often. So I can’t say anything negative about that but I know I wouldn’t put her name on the daycare pick up list til like, they were married or something.
I think to successfully co-parent all adults need to be on the same page, That would require you as their mother to meet his gf, And vice versa if you do have a bf.
If they are not wanting you two to meet then that would be a huge red flag for me.
You should definitely meet her. That’s for the safety of your children! How could he ever expect you to give permission to release your children to someone you have never met?? He needs to grow up and learn how to co-parent.
Just so you know most states have first right parenting laws which means if you tell him you are available he has to use you as a child care source before any others, including his girlfriend. Maybe you aren’t available on those weekends but if he won’t let you meet her and you are uncomfortable, legally you have every right to watch your own child.
Asking to meet her isnt a big ask at all, shes around your children, why haven’t you met already? I was looking after my exs children while we were together and I still have them occasionally now that we aren’t together so that they can spend time with there sister
Stand your ground momma. I would even go back to court and make it where he has to be providing the care. If he works on his scheduled visit time then the child should be with you. Like you said he makes his own schedule. He knows what he’s doing. Manipulative narsacist.