The Friday before Thanksgiving, my son’s father was supposed to pick him up for the thanksgiving break (we are not together). Everything seemed fine except he was 2 hours late with no communication to let me know. On Sunday morning, I got a call at 5:30 am, telling me my son was with a police officer, and I needed to get him right away. I was told the dad went to the police station, leaving my ten years old alone at 3 or 4 am, and he told the police station he was having extreme suicidal thoughts and was a harm to himself/others. The dad was then transported to the hospital while an officer went to his house to sit with my son until I got there. I walked in, and the house was not in very good condition. There were small walkways and one spot on either couch to sit with piles of junk and things thrown all over the house. The toilet was brown, cups randomly on the floor; the sink was full of crusty dishes; you could hardly see the floor in my son’s room. I realize this is a sign of depression, and I am so glad he got help. I understand this because I’ve worked in behavioral health for a long time, so I am understanding. But my son even said he gets tired of it being that way with nowhere to play or walk and his dad had been talking about death to him… my question is, what is your opinion? I feel if dad is unstable, my son should not be alone/stay overnight with him. I do not want to keep him away from his dad and will meet him anywhere to see him or take him to his family’s house. I think dad should take time for himself to get his mind and his home in decent condition. I’ve spoken to the attorney general & I am honestly afraid for my son’s safety. He was left alone with no phone, no neighbors he knows, he was lucky the cops got there before he woke up, or he would have been so afraid. And apparently, his dad leaves him alone a lot. He doesn’t know where he’s going & no phone to contact anyone. I’ve talked to my son about it all, and he isn’t fond of his dad anyways because he is a wishy-washy, in and out of his life type of parent, but this incident has made him very scared. I feel in my heart I know what’s right to do, but I am curious about what other people think. Am I fair? How long would you wait until you let your son go back there? Dad gets very angry very quickly & I don’t want to out him. I just want him to get his mind and home better and feel until I have proof those things are stable, that he should not be alone with him. There are way too many tragic stories that occur due to things like this, and I don’t think I could handle it if something happened to my son. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
How is this even a question? Your job as a parent is to protect your child. If the father is living in scum why would you let your child stay there? If the father admitted he wants to kill himself or hurt others why would you put your child alone with him? Keep your son far away until he seeks help and proves he’s fit to be in your child’s life.
Take pictures if you can of them conditions. Also limit visitation to supervised visits and no overnights until you feel or the judge feels he is fit. Get your son a cell phone.
I’m so sorry.
My kids dad was on meth. I get this is different but kinda not. What I did was, 1, I never spoke against their dad to them. I made excuses such as, daddy doesn’t feel good, daddy isnt home etc. 2, I NEVER kept my kids from him. Instead I told him he had to come to my house to be supervised. Your son is your main concern. Period.
You’re right to be concerned and your son really shouldn’t be left alone with his father until he’s PROVED he has changed.
Your instincts are spot on. Right now your son’s dad needs time to get his life right and supervised visits with someone you are comfortable is completely reasonable. He has made the first step by seeking help but as I am sure you know it isn’t a simple fix. I don’t remember if you said how old your son is but if he is old enough allow him to be part of the decision as to how and when he sees his dad and get your custody arrangements updated to reflect the recent developments so he can’t take you to court later for not sticking to the agreement.
Honestly this is sad to hear and I’m so sorry. If that was my son, I wouldn’t let him go if I was scared for his safety. Mommas know best. Hope the dad gets the help he needs. And another thing, listen to your so too. He has as much an opinion and if he doesn’t want to go, he shouldn’t have to. Much love 
and best wishes.
Do not let him have your son unsupervised. He could hurt your son or do something stupid when your son is there.
First of all I think some counseling for your son would do him some good. Especially if dads been expressing his mental health issues to him.
Second, file for an emergency hearing. I agree if he isnt in the mental state to understand leaving a child alone in the middle of the night isnt okay then he doesnt need to have him unsupervised
Glad he got help. Maybe supervised visits once he gets on the mend and gets on meds and fixes his life up. And be supportive to your ex it will make all the difference
I think you’ve handled the situation very well. You’re correct, until he can prove he is mentally stable and has a clean house, then your son should not be alone with him. Gosh knows what can happen
Take it to court . If he was comited it should be able to prove the child should have supervised visit but not left alone… I’d call a court or DCFS… and get some advice
I also work in mental health .Specifically with children…you have to think what’s in the best interest of the child…his safety comes first…you cannot worry about hirting dads feelings…and truth be told…dad is probably in another state of mind that he probably wont give to much thought about anyone else…and thats ok…dad sought help he knew that your son should not be in his presence . You and dad are your sons voice…your older…you know better son doesnt and right now its on you…not that it should be…but dad cant do it right now…kiddos safety and well being come first…
Dad needs to get help and then you can re-evaluate custody. A judge would have no issue giving you sole custody after this incident.
I’m glad he got help but he also left your child unattended…he needs to prove he is going to be stable. Until then, try and get supervised visitation. Especially with him talking about death to your child.
My husband works in behavioral health as well & we both agree ,you’re spot on feeling uneasy, etc with it all.
He stated you should have documentation of everything (photos of living conditions, etc) and get it on paper- Dad needs to be in therapy/some sort of help, if its meds=he has to stay on them,supervised visits w/specific times and locations ((especially if you’re not the supervisor)).
If it continues going well, keep you son in the loop between you and him…ask him after X amount of time w/ the new parenting scenario if he feels more comfortable & go from there.
Good luck!!
Keep your son safe with you until his dad gets this straightened out and there is proof he is stable. He needs to get his mind right and his house clean. No child should ever be put in that position.
Ask your son what he wants
Don’t let your son stay with him until he his healed. Suicide is such a dark place and so hard to overcome. Your ex is strong otherwise he would be gone.
I would take it back to court. Ask for sole custody. Then it’s up to you if you stop contact till your son is 16 years old or until you son is 18 years old.
Definitely dont take his son away it might make it worst but maybe do family outing and supervised meeting they both can help especially the fun family outings
Hes unstable and you shouldnt be putting your son in that position. He’s scared and doesnt want to be there, seems like its been an on going issue for a while, and your son has been left there to suffer…
What do u think is the answer here come on
File for immediate emergency full custody, no visitation unless supervised visits, not at his house. Mantatory mental health help, counseling, etc. Protect your child!
Your son needs to talk to someone other than yourself to get everything that’s worrying him off his chest , second I agree that dad needs to sort himself out and tbh he shouldn’t have unsupervised visits with his son until he does get himself sorted out and until he cleans his home up I wouldn’t allow the child to visit there either it’s not healthy for him , glad dad knew to get help but if he has left your son on his own before this what’s to say he won’t do it again
YOUR CONCERN SHOULD BE FOR YOUR SON.
I would NEVER EVER allow my child to be on that position.
Again.
Ever.
Like you said you could do supervised visits.
Meet for a picnic in park.
Lunch out.
Small visits.
Please KEEP YOUR SON SAFE.
HE SHOULD NEVER EVER be put in that position again.
You are the adult.
His mother.
His protection.
Sounds like he is trying to make sure your son is safe, but he needs intervention to address his own mental health problems. Until they are under control, he should only have supervised visitation. This shouldn’t be hard to get ordered by a court following this incident. Err on the side of your child’s safety - always.
I would not leave him alone with him EVER after this, also you mentioned taking him to a family’s house to visit him. I also wouldn’t do this because you can’t trust family, what if they let him take him? Or he bully’s them into letting him. The only way I would ever let him see him is to meet in a public place, McDonald’s, the park, bowling alley etc and stay with him at ALL times. Better to be safe than sorry. I have read way too many stories where a parent kills the kids and then themselves. Try to get your son into counselling because it sounds like what he has witnessed needs to be addressed. Happy Holidays to you both.
You should have access to a police report for the incident and can use that to file for emergency custody to stop future visits until dad is compliant with receiving mental health services and taking medication
I had to have monthly appointments for my doctor to sign a form saying I am up to date with my medication regiment and seeing her regularly in order to get visitations and eventually 50/50 custody with my oldest
I would wait for him to get help. Get stable. And get his house cleaned up. It might be beneficial for your son to talk to someone. Also in this case a cell phone might not be a bad idea.
I would demand chaperoned visit that are 2 hours long
Supervised visits only until he gets the help he needs. Not healthy at all for your son
you really need our answers? wtf!!
You already answered your questions.
Take ur son n don’t let him get until dad gets helped
I didn’t finished ready it all but go back to court & file for FULL CUSTODY that’s what’s best for your son right now to be with you
The kids safety comes first obviously…
Yes he needs help, get mentally stable, clean place…etc…
If you two have a decent relationship maybe have him over to see son…
If ex gets it all together maybe get son a phone so he can contact you in the future…
Good luck
I agree the house sounds bad, but if your in the field of emotional health services, you know assistance & medications may be the thing that changes everything.
This moment he may be suicidal/homicidal but as soon as he is no longer feeling this he won’t be considered a danger to himself or others.
Will this mean he is an incompetent parent? I am assuming your son might have an attorney, in regards to the visitation, if you handled this through family court. Contact that attorney, he/she can also assist you.
Good luck with this, I hope everything works out well for all of you.
Your son shouldn’t be left alone with his father have your son visit him elsewhere it can be any place like Macdonald or a afternoon visit with other family members grandparents house
I’m so sorry… This sounds really heartbreaking to deal with.
Father needs to get better but might take some time and his continued willingness to get help and accept help. If he begins to improve i would let me son see him in my presence wherever the dad is in rehab. I too would be afraid to allow my son to see him or stay with him without my presence. Praying for all of you
What kind of question is this? I wouldn’t let my child ever go back again! The man is obviously unstable and needs help and until he gets it and cleans that house and cleans up his act his home alone visits are OVER period!
It’s simple you do not let the father take him until he has sorted himself out. You can do visits at yours or somewhere else but no over nite stays
Your child’s safety comes first so don’t even know why you are asking for advice you should know this
Why question yourself when you know your son could be danger
Assuming you all have a court order, you need to involve the courts so that what you do is legally allowed. Like it or not, if you have a court order, the courts decide if you can or can’t withhold visitation - not you.
This sounds like a tough situation for everyone involved. Good luck to you!
Look I don’t think taking his son away is good it could make him even worse to the extent he actually does do something to himself
I would try help
Look yes don’t leave him with him but maybe get someone to go check on him like family members or do visits in public places while he is this way
You could buy your son a phn so he has contact with you as well at all times
He is ten might be on terms like only when your with dad you have it
Maybe he needs support then just taking the one thing he has to keep him here
Look there are so many different ways to look at this
So many pros and cons
Looks to me he loves his son
but mentally something is wrong as he did get police involved himself
rather then extremely hurting your son or himself in front of your son
Supervised visits… it’s important to have his father in his life… AFTER, the father is on the right track with getting his well being together. Your son should see his father,but in a clean, safe environment,but supervised visits. Go to court and get everything documented. Last thing you want is having his father taking him and the unthinkable happens!
Hopefully you took pictures of his house while you were there. With the police report, possible cops report & him going to the police you can go to family court and get full legal & physical custody, visitation set up to be supervised or as house has to pass inspection ect. I’m not trying to be harsh,it is your son safety.
Maybe arrange supervised visits elsewhere. Dad needs 2 get his depression under control and I commend him 4 going 2 police station. That being said plez don’t use that against him but plez take every precaution 2 maintain ur sons safety. U sound like a great person so I’m sure u’ll work something out 2 b fair 2 all involved. I’m glad ur son is ok. Praying 4 u.
Yeah, let’s isolate the sick person from his loved ones. Brilliant, mom.
Your # 1 responsiblity is to your son. Luckily his father asked for help instead of killing himself and possibly your son. Depression is not just extreme sadness. It is a debilitating mental disease. I think you should make sure that if he does see his son that it is under supervision.
A lot of fathers kill themselves BECAUSE they aren’t around their children so it’s a sticky situation. Why don’t you talk to his father and ask him how he feels? He’s a grown man, he can communicate his feelings and obviously he wants help or he wouldn’t be here right now. Look into the fatherslivesmatter group… these men don’t know how to handle losing their families and they are dying everyday because of it so maybe don’t kick him while he’s down. You could go get his home together for him, you and your son, so he has 1 less thing on his plate once they do release him…
If it was me, I would go to dads house and clean it. Go see him while he’s in the hospital and let him know that you want him to still see his son but you want him to get the help he needs. You can do supervised visits until he is better. Coming from someone who suffers from depression but not this severe, I know that any help or support would be nice. His house being a mess, can add to the depression. They want to clean but the anxiety of where to start sinks in and they say screw it and just give up and get depressed and embarrassing at how it looks.
This is not about what is best for you or Dad. It is what is best for the child. I would recommend supervised visits with Dad until he gets his home and life more stable and cleaned up. Dad must undergo a psych evaluation prior to lifting the supervised visits.
Also does ur ex have family that can help him get his home cleaned up n maintain it better?
I think you should take one day at a time. Dont stress. Easier said than done. See how it goes from the outcome of dad asking for help.
Obviously his dad has some mental health issues that need to be addressed. I do not think pulling your child away completely will help with his issues his depression or his recovery however he needs help. Be kind and request he get the help he needs from professionals before a weekend stay or overnight stay can happen again. If he’s willing to get the help he needs then he can move forward with a relationship with his son if not then it’s not in your sons best interest to be around him. I know you arnt together but for your sons sake be encouraging to his dad be supportive and explain he’s not being punished he’s doing this for himself and his son. Good luck to you!
Take care of your son
Fuck daddy’s mental health. Hows is affecting your son? That’s #1. Baby boy needs to be with you. Daddy put him in a bad spot but he could just have easily called you to come pick up yalls son before leaving him in a nasty house alone
Take plenty of pictures. This is your child. You don’t want him going back over there.
Go to the courthouse with copies of the police report and file for an emergency protective order for your child.
You already Know what the answer is! No more overnights! Visits supervised or if you trust his parents at their house! What adult talks to a child about death? When was the last time you checked the situation at dads house? The child comes first! I don’t care how angry dad gets! If he gets out of hand get a restraining order! You need to document everything beginning with that night and description of house and incidents of the child being left alone! Protect your child!
I just absolutely can’t stand moms who are always taking the side of a mother or always think they are in the right because their a child’s mom. Fathers play the same important role in a child’s life as a mother does. A lot of you probably have no idea about mental illness & how it works. I agree he should not have left your son alone BUT he did the right thing by going to the police station to try & get help. I mean what if he actually committed suicide & your son had to see that? As for a messy house, when you have depression it can sometimes be so hard to even do a simple task like doing the dishes. I have dealt with depression since I was very young & a lot of the times my bedroom would be so messy you couldn’t see the floor but I was to mentally exhausted to bother to clean up. People think depression is a joke, I have been told many times that I can just “be happy” as if it just works like that. I think you should keep your son apart from him until he gets help but there is no need to file for emergency custody. That is still his son.
I would take all of this information to court and get a guardian ad litem involved so that you have someone on your child’s side to monitor what Dad is doing and so that dad can be court ordered to get the help he needs. They won’t take him out of your son’s life but they will force him to get help and get better if he wants to see your son without it being supervised. What will probably happen is he will get two hours a week supervised visitation and be required to get some type of mental health help and a guardian ad litem will visit his home to be sure that it’s in safe conditions for your child. I’m a paralegal and this is what I’m sure will most likely happen.
Tell the dad everything you just told us . You are expressing genuine care and concern for him and your child . Try to get him to work with you before you call social services or go to court . If he doesn’t comply , then I would contact social services or an attorney . It is NOT ok for your child to stay in this environment anymore .
Your job as this childs mother is to protect him. So I wouldnt allow my child to be alone with his father until he is mentally stable, end of story
Omg how scary I would just wait it out. Don’t let your son alone with him. It is so scary the news has this almost daily now. A father kills his family. Be safe. Mental health is real.
Let him get his self together first because it’s best he can still visit with son but no over nights alone for ur sons safety as well as his he will feel probably worse taking him away help if u can but don’t out him
I would arrange for supervised visits. I wound also see if CPS (or some agency) can do a home check from time to time. Once he’s out of the hospital.That way someone is flowing up with him. You could also ask dad if he wants to see his son we’ll he’s getting help. That way he’s getting to still see his son. It could be a motivation.
Edit: I will add that if his visitations are court ordered. You should talk to your lawyer or who ever you used and explain everything to them. That way they can help, and you can do things the right way in the courts eyes.
His dad needs help. Glad he went to get some. However, you must protect your son. Do not let him be alone with him. Supervised visits only!
I think it’s in the best interests and safty of your son to give dad some time get help and do visits supervised in some way until he is better.
absolutely no visits unsupervised
Forget fair! You have to do what is best for your sons safety
You need to take care of your son first, until he can get the help he needs. I’m sorry, leaving a 10 year old home alone with no phone is just scary. Plus the condition of his home is not at all a good environment!
Dad needs help not judgement! Good on you for understanding! I would keep visits to a few hours alone at most. Definitely no overnights until dad is stable and help your child understand his father’s condition so he doesn’t feel it’s his fault or have abandonment issues because of it
Do not let him go back
No overnights or alone until stable and in treatment. Visits are ok as long as someone else is there and if he wants him at his place he has to clean it
Absolutely do not let your child go back there until you have a written letter from whoever is dealing with his mental health that it is safe for your children to be there. Go to court with the police report
Definitely supervised visitation at least until he is cleared by a therapist.
My heart breaks for you and your son. It’s not going to be easy but I would keep him home with you. A child should not have to see his dad like that. Speak with a lawyer tell them everything that has been going on with your ex, tell them all your concerns you have about letting your son stay with him. Maybe set up son supervised visit until you know he is better. I may get backlash for this but your but that’s what I would do until I know my ex is in a better state of mind
Supervised visitation and I would get that in place as fast as you can
And I hope you took pictures and hopefully a police report of some kind from that day.
Don’t play nice with that.
It could cost you your sons life
1st off your job is to protect your child (which you know and seem to be doing) I would get a court order with you being sole custody and him supervised visitation until mental health on fathers part is back together and if he isnt fit to care for himself he cant care for anyone else (even if it is his child) I’m sorry their is going on:(
Sounds like dad realizes how bad he is. Hopefully you are capable of communicating your concerns with him and he is understanding.
Great answers you have here. I can’t think of anything to add. Stay strong
Your son is old enough to talk about his feelings toward the situation. He’s already told you he doesn’t like going their because of the condition of the house. It’s obvious his dad cares about him but depression can make you not care about anything. I mean, you clearly know this already. I think you let his dad get his shit together and fix it and then revisit the situation with seeing him. I feel like supervised visits should start first with you. Then if the house remains live able and safe he can spend the night. This is probably far down the road but I wouldn’t take your son completely away from his dad. Maybe start out with phone calls with him so he’s still talking to dad but I don’t think he should go to the hospital and visit. See how the dad is after he gets his treatment and base it off that. Good luck, mama!
His dad needs help… lots of it… I understand you not wanting your son there…but in some ways I feel this might make dad worse if he can’t see his son…send him further into depression … I’m sorry you and your son are going through this
I’d have visitation supervised. And explain to your boy that even though times are hard now & he might not realize the issue for what it is; his dad loves him! It took a lot of courage to have taken his son to a station for those reason. Not many of these parents do that! May God keep blessing you all with guidance.
Personally, I think that keeping them apart for the time being would be best. Hopefully, it will motivate the father to improve home and self so he can have time with his son again in the future.
Do what’s best for your son even if it’s taking dad from son if he gets help then he can try and work on father son bonding
Think of your sons safety.
Go back to court and ask for supervised visitation only, and only after he gets evaluated and gets help.
Of help him clean up his house and be kind to him. Do what ever it takes so that your son is safe. Do not let him stay at his dad’s house until he gets cleared by a doctor or therapist! Having been someone with depression and anxiety he need compassion and told that he matters to you as he is the father of your child. Keep your son safe you need to teach your son that also, to have compassion for him and to tell him he’s loved. Don’t take legal action it will just make matters worse and give him a reason to commit suicide. Your all he’s got so help him all you can.
My husband killed himself and I thank God all the time that my kids weren’t with him or saw him. Supervised visits but no alone time. Let the dad get the help he needs
If it were me I would first get him amited for the 72 hour hold. Ask him to start on a medication. While he was on hold I would clean up his place and probably ask the 10 year old to help (he knows where things go I’m assuming) let him have supervised/public visitation during the day when he gets out and after a couple months let him start staying the night.
I went through the same thing he is. And the clutter and mess just made things worse. Without my mom’s help I would have just been depressed coming back out with a mess to clean up as soon as I got out.
Supervised visitation is perfect, thank you for understanding depression. You are a good mom with her head on right.
It seems u r mote interested in the father than your son
Inspect his home before child is allowed back over there whenever that’ll be!
That’s not a healthy or safe environment!
I am so sorry.
Hopefully dad gets the help he desperately needs…but until he’s more stable, all visitation should be supervised.
Maybe it’s tine for your son to see a therapist too. Depression can be genetic and hopefully seeing a therapist will help your son gain tools to understand and deal with what’s going on.
Let dad get help. Maybr offer ways to help him . I know that it’s not your job. But depression is a bitch.
You’re extremely mature and you absolutely shouldn’t leave him alone with his dad. He actually just might kill your son and then himself, especially if he’s that depressed