My boyfriend and I have been together for years, and he always paid for most of the bills and myself a small percentage. After I had our daughter, I started my own business and now make way more than he does, and it’s continually growing. Now we pay 50/50 on everything, and I have paid more on most occasions. The thing that bothers me is I am still in charge of the household chores and taking care of the baby. And I feel uncomfortable with the way our relationship dynamics is. I’ve always wanted my partner to be equal or higher up financially because I believe the man should cover more of the bills just because the woman is naturally better at things he can’t do (i.e., cleaning, laundry, taking care of baby, etc.). I understand that there are relationships that are not the “traditional” dynamic, and I totally appreciate that - but I do believe there needs to be a balance in the dynamic. Not everything on one person. I’ve tried to encourage him to make more money (which he says he will) or help me more with the house/baby (that did not work out)… I do love him, and he is a loving partner and father. But idk if I see this working out in the long run. Thoughts?
I don’t see why not as long as their other half has no issues with it
Money shouldn’t matter. It’s not like he doesn’t work or pay anything
Wow. If you love him who cares who makes more or who does what. Sounds a bit petty. Love is love. Money and chores shouldn’t be an issue.
He is still trying to figure out how to be a dad. Give him a chance.
It’s not necessarily about how much you make. Even if he made a ton he should still help around the house and with the kids. It’s not like working gets you off the hook for everything else. I mean it’s his house and his kids also. You guys are a team and should act like one. You need to ask yourself if he won’t help out with the family is this the relationship you want. And guys can clean and take care of children just as good as anyone else.
If you love him and he’s a good partner and father who cares who makes more money? You’re both contributing.
Get a grip its the 21st century. You’re paying 5050 of the bills he makes less than you and he’s still doing that. You’re earning more but then still wanting him to pay out more? Give him a break. Communicate with him about chores he sounds like a reasonable guy. Honestly I think you need to take a step back and realise how lucky you are to have someone that’s supporting you as well as working.
A woman is naturally better? AHAHAHAHAA! That’s so funny. You deserve each other.
You shouldn’t make him feel guilty, for not making as much money or more than you do. You guys can make a list of the bills and whose in charge of what and keep it that way. A relationship isn’t about who makes more or what not. That’s just ignorant
I think money isn’t so much an issue as helping do other things. For the most part, women usually handle the responsibility of children and housework. We just do. Habe another conversationtion with him about helping out more. Not just because you make more but because yall are partners and parents who BOTH are responsible for everything
Your priorities are the problem
Yes. I make twice what my husband does and cover a majority of the bills. We’ve been married for 21 years. And the idea that men can’t be good at things like laundry, cleaning & child care is total sexist bullshit. We both work and split all the chores 50/50. The only thing he does more of than me is when our home needs repairs.
I’ve always wanted my partner to be equal or higher up financially because I believe the man should cover more of the bills just because the woman is naturally better at things he can’t do (i.e., cleaning, laundry, taking care of baby, etc.)
I am sorry but the only reason women are naturally better at home stuff is bc we have been conditioned to be. I am no better than my husband doing laundry, cleaning, child care- actually at some things he is better than me. But if you want to be a housewife then be a housewife and quit your job. If you think he should do more house work then tell him to do more.
I’ve been making about $70,000 a year more than my husband for the last 4 years. I kind of can see what you’re trying to say. As in a minute I felt the same.
What it really helped us was to put all of our money in a joint account. Now we don’t see who makes more or less.
There is money to cover bills, vacations and baby expenses. And that is all that matters.
I’d understand if he was a bum… but this sounds like you’d willingly leave because you pay more… I’m probably wrong because things are interpreted differently through text but if I was him, I’d be embarrassed and hurt. You’re supposed to be a FAMILY regardless. Idk that’s just my opinion. Hope everything works out for him and yourself.
It won’t work out if you let it bother you like that. He doesn’t sound like the one having an issue. If he has always done his part and you were fine with it before you started making more, then you should be fine with it now. If not, I feel for him, sorry 🤷
Love is not 50/50.
Some days it is 60/40, sometimes it is 100/0.
The biggest thing is that you know he has your back on the 0% days. Right now, I earn more. It won’t always be like that. We carry the weight. Together.
Oh no! Poor this guy. LOVE is important than money!
This is crazy. I don’t normally comment. My husband has always worked more and paid all the bills. I stated a business myself and make more than him now. Instead of kicking him down because my business is successful we take better vacations, stuff more money in retirement accounts and made upgrades to our home. Just because your business took off he shouldn’t be punished for always working and providing
So…i think what you are saying is you are now working more less time to be at home. Some women don’t have men so they are clearly missing your point. If you are EQUALLY working as many hours it is NOT ok that only you are responsible for the house hold chores. A chore list of daily duties that switches up each week is great. That way no one is TELLING the other what to do just crossing off a chore. You need help. Its ok to need help when you have more on your plate. Period.
Sounds like your the problem
Honestly, it sounds like no, it won’t work out. Because you’re upset that you make more money, in a company that you wanted to start, while you also take care of the 1950’s housewife stuff, but also don’t want a “Non-traditional” relationship dynamic.
Yikes. Poor guy.
Are you living in the 50s? Come on now. Does it matter? At least he has a job… I would hate to think you make him feel “less than equal” he provides and that’s what counts. Don’t forget when you die you end up in the same size box… you’re no better then him bc you make more. If you don’t like it leave and let him find someone that actually appreciates his efforts
I feel like it’s always the mothers job to take care of the baby and household chores. Get after him to help out around the house more. I literally cussed out my SO not too long ago because I’m 9 months pregnant and go to work mon-fri 8-430 and when he’s home, he’s home for 2 weeks at a time. I texted him he needed to help me out more and there was no reason our house should be a mess when he’s home all day. He does make way more money than me but I feel like that shouldn’t matter. Even when he was unemployed a year ago I never threw it in his face. It was OUR money because that’s the way it should go.
If you make that much money hire a helper to clean house and such. If he paid the most for many years than it’s your turn. That will free you up to spend time with the baby and him more and give him time to move up In his job since he carried the bills more for as long as you said. Unless you feel you have grown him over your income and if this is so I don’t understand because a marriage is about helping one another in whatever way you can.
Sounds like some reverse sexist bullshit to me. Maybe he isn’t capable of making more money, maybe he enjoys what he does for a living and doesn’t see a need to change…just because you think he should be making more money than you. If you want a “traditional” relationship dynamic then perhaps you should quit your job, stay at home, and make sure dinner is in the table at 6 when he gets off…
Girl be lucky he pays at least some and works I have a friend that pays FOR EVERYTHING and still has to come home, cook and clean he barley helps with their kid and he acts like a total child…
I actually understand what your saying. My marriage was kinda like this. I just ended up super worn out and resentful. So it depends, yes money isn’t everything but it can cause stress in a relationship whether people want to admit that or not. In my situation I was the only one working so it’s not completely the same.
Just a joint account for bills and call it a day. You would think you’d be more understanding since the roles were revered just a while back. You’re lucky that he’s working and paying bills. You could be stuck with a bum
I think it’s so sad that money is the cause of so many marriage/relationships ending… in the end does any of that matter if your family is happy & healthy? Maybe budget in someone coming to clean your house, if you can afford it? I don’t see anything good coming from asking him to earn more or making an issue of who earns more… I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate that if it were the other way around. I also like the idea of a joint bank account; then instead of “mine” or “yours” it’s “ours” for bills, because we live together & are in a relationship. You could still have your own individual accounts as well.
Wow some of these comments. nothing wrong with having high standards.
Asking your boyfriend to make more money is not going to make the relationship better or make it easier. There is obviously something else going on. To me, it sounds like you are trying to say that when he made more it was OK if he did less at home, but now that you make more he should help out more. Is this correct? You should both be contributing to the household and of raising the family. Also, you are correct that there are relationships that do not meet the traditional dynamic and I don’t think it is a fair statement considering the different family dynamics that I know of, just in my life. This is something that should have been talked about, because it sounds like he is very hardworking and supports you. Sometimes the dynamics change, but it should not change the love you have for one another. My suggestion, would be to sit down and discuss the different responsibilities and time needed for both jobs and the household chores. Discuss what each is willing to do and be open minded and have an open heart to working this out. I grew up with the same mindset about moms and dads. As one of three girls, my father made sure we knew how to earn, save, and manage our money. I have worked and paid for my own wants since I was 10. I manage our family of 3 children and business. my husband does all the cooking and cleaning except for the 3 hottest and busiest months out of the year, when he is running no cool calls and working for our air conditioning company. I am also 7 years younger then my husband. He works really hard but there will come a time that he wants to retire and I hope at that point to be the main breadwinner and let him relax, so I am also in college getting my degree in Business management because when he retires, I will have roughly 20 years experience and a degree and I will still be able to work and have about 25 years till I am able to retire. I am happy your business is booming, but I think you need to re-check attitude regarding your boyfriend and talk with him, not be negative because he sounds like a good guy.
You don’t sound like you actually love him honestly🥴
I typed up my comment 4 times… and erased it…
The question was “can relationships last if mom is the breadwinner”. The answer is, if you want it to. Sounds like you don’t. You have a right to feel what you feel, no judgement here, but seems like your opinion of how it ‘should’ go has already answered your own question…
So no matter what that poor guy can’t win with you so you’re right it won’t work out…
You are the problem not him!
In my opinion, at this stage in the game it shouldn’t matter who makes more. My husband and I share every duty inside the home including taking care of our three boys, one of which is a baby still. It should be “y’all’s” chores and money. We have joint accounts from a credit card, to checking and savings. We are just respectful when it comes to large purchases and consult with the other person. There should not be any score keeping. That is what is going to create an issue that will cause your relationship to fail. If you want him to make more and your business is thriving, why don’t you let him join you and you guys can double the business when it’s stable enough for him to quit his job, he could join your hustle full time. Just a suggestion. Some couples can work together and some can’t. Just be supportive and uplifting whatever you choose. He carried you for a while, he is entitled to hit a rough patch too and for you to be supportive. For a man it is important that they care for their family. Please don’t make that man feel like he’s not providing “enough” bc he isn’t able to do more at the current time.
I hope he leaves your ass, man you are so wrong.
It shouldn’t matter who makes more money…Have a joint account for all the bill’s ECT that you both put equal amounts in to and as for the household chores you both should pitch in…You stated he is a great father and partner so unless something has changed for you in regards to your feelings I don’t see an issue…
I don’t believe you should be asking him to make more money…
The answer to your question is yes…
My opinion about everything else you wrote is that you think you’re too good for him🤷🏼♀️
This isn’t the 50s. If you give a damn about the man and he’s good to you and baby what’s it matter what he makes. Get a grip. Sure u can say help out more chores wise. But really if money is the problem then you’re the problem…
Just ask him to help more around the house and with the baby, if he doesn’t, then leave. that’s what I did after my ex husband literally said to me that he didn’t know how to do dishes I was like MF are you serious?!? I mean, there were other reasons, but I had that traditional life, he made all the money while I stayed home, but sometimes we need help.if he can’t help you while you’re down then he never will.
Now that you’re making more money it’s a problem to you… its not about money. Wow
In our r/ship we have never based it around money. I’m home with 5children he works. Both male and female are good at cleaning. I know alot of stay at home dads that get things done. Me and my partner share money everything is 50/50 a bill pops up I’ll pay it or he does we don’t go off what we earn things just get paid. My partner could work all day and after dinner he will still help me clean the kitchen and avth children… some nights he won’t but that’s life. I don’t get how money can be an issue for a r/ship not working. You both work… yes u earn more but he still contributes. We just get things done and paid. We don’t pick on the other for who earns more or less.
You sound like a gold digger! It was ok when he paid most of the bills.
It’s pretty funny you think he can just decide to make more money. . It’s awesome you started a successful business. Can’t you just be happy?
It can work unless you choose not to make it work. Sounds to me like now that you make more than him you expect him to do more around the house. If you don’t communicate to him that you want him to do more and why. You can’t expect him to do more. If he doesn’t agree and you can’t come to a compromise decide if you stay or go.
Yes i have been the breadwinner forever in our house if you lovesome truly money should not matter n you guys need to communicate n see what works. I do 90% safely of the cooking n house work and toddler duties. If one of us is laid off or home for an extended period of time then thats their duties house cooking and child
Why are you sabotaging your relationship by emasculating your partner saying he’s less than because you make more than him? That is so f*cked up. It was fine when he made more and paid the bills, but now it’s a problem because he isn’t where you’re at? No. Just no. If you love someone, you compromise. You’re nit picking here. The problem isn’t him. It’s you. And you’re trying to pin it on him. What SHOULD matter to you is that he is a good partner and good father. That he is accountable and dependable. If he could do more with your kiddo, then have that conversation. Sounds to me like money has made YOU have higher standards. He’s not the one that’s changed. You are. So take ownership here. Don’t lay the blame solely at his feet.
Regardless of who makes more of the money, your child doesn’t care who makes more money, the household chores should be shared, and so should the responsibility of looking after your child, I stay home with my 3 children and my partner works, I still expect him to come home and help care for the children, and do certain “chores” around the house, he makes the mess he can help clean the mess whether he’s been to work or not
Personally, it shouldn’t matter which person in the relationship is the breadwinner. so to answer your question, relationships CAN last if the mom is the breadwinner. Also with your comment about encouraging him to make more money - there are cases where he can’t just wake up one day and decide he’s going to raise the amount of money he makes. I don’t know his job situation but as far as I’m aware, there are several things you have to do to potentially make more money. That falls on his boss - or him finding something else. Even if you are now making more money, that doesn’t automatically mean that should decrease you with the housework and taking care of the baby. Sure, he should help with both of those things. He lives in the house & that baby is his. But it still shouldn’t mean you do less physical work/take care of your baby less just because you are making more money now. You guys are a team. Some days it’ll be 50/50. Other days it’ll be 20/80. Sometimes it may even be 25/75. You pick up the “slack” of your partner on their days. It really just sounds like you are willing to leave him because you are a woman and make more money than him…
If I ever make more money than my boyfriend of almost six years, he’ll be cheering me on while I make that money and I’ll be buying him the bass boat he’s been dying for. It wouldn’t even be a thought in my head to leave him or even request he makes more money just so I don’t make more money than him. That is an ego I would never want
It’s a you problem. Who cares who makes more money. As long as the bills are paid, the kids are happy and ya’ll love each other why does it matter?
It sounds like you’re stuck in your sexist stereotypes. IMO it will not work out. Not because he’s making/paying less but because you’re expected to do all the housework, take care of baby & pay the bills. It’s mostly 1 sided. It would be easier & cheaper on you to leave. Get an apartment for you & baby. The work load won’t be less. The expectation of less wont exist. That makes it easier. If that makes sense.
Looks like you making a lot of money got to your head now it seems like you think you’re better than him…
What would you do if your business went belly-up and he came to you and told you exactly what you are telling him?
Wow, just WOW! I was asked to quit work so my partner could return to work, he didnt like not being the ‘provider’ as he is the man of the house. BULLSHIT! Shouldn’t matter whose making more damn money, it is a partnership and you both have a role in EVERY aspect of your COMBINED lives.
I think you’re overreacting, unfortunately in today’s economy you can’t just make more money. Some barely make ends meet, you might be making more but think about the men who don’t pay anything. You should just be glad he helps you still with what he can not like others who don’t help at all. Ask him to help you with the chores and baby if that bugs you, as long as things are being paid it doesn’t matter. Happy you’re doing good in your business, but don’t let it get to your head. Life can humble you real quick.
In my honest opinion if you are in charge of household, in charge of the childcare, in charge of the bills, and contribute more all while running a business successfully you are going to resent him. It won’t work out in the long run. Especially if it’s already bothering you and he’s not stepping up to the plate. If you can do it so can he. If he doesn’t ur not going to appreciate that and probably will want to move on. I think successful relationships require like-minded individuals who have the same drive, motivation, and outlook towards life. Unfortunately that’s not always who we end up having children with while we ourselves are still young and figuring things out.
Do you have a problem with him making less money or that you are still in charge of of household chores and the baby ?
You’re a cunt for sure. He should leave you ASAP. Red flag.
It sounds like you’re the problem. You should leave him…so he can find someone less greedy.
So men can’t clean, do laundry, take care of the baby? Guess I got myself a rare breed! We both work and do all those things equally!
Just, wow. I don’t know if you mean this to sound as bad as it comes across in this post but it does. The answer is yes a relationship can last if the female is the breadwinner - if you want it to. You love him and he’s a great dad but because he makes less money you are doubting if your relationship will last? I can understand feeling like he’s not contributing enough as far as responsibilities go but it shouldn’t ever be because he makes less money then you. Figure out a way to balance and share the load and if you can’t let that be the reason it can’t work.
The problem starts when someone is “in charge” that is not 50/50
I loved a man fir many yrs an he didn’t have quat to share i paid for everything even school for him it was good till he started marking more an i took a lower paying job then he was done with me hurt alot but you need to talk more dont be thus way
Long term partnership can be give and take at times, anything you do he should be willing to do and the same for you. When you pick at what role should be what, it puts pressure on not only yourself but him as well. That’s when all of the problems become bigger and bigger because each of you feel your way is the right way. Stop pushing each other to be what you or he thinks you should be. Work with each other and sometimes you feel the words coming out of your mouth are the right ones but the way your partner is hearing it usually isn’t that way. I have learned to say things in a different tone or use different words that trigger different responses. Relationships are not easy and can have really hard times. If at the end of the day you still want this relationship you will find a way to work it out. Good luck…
This is the most ridiculous post here yet. Do that man a favor and end it. He deserves someone who will actually love and appreciate him for him and not what he brings to the relationship financially.
I don’t think it matters who makes the most money but if your the one doing EVERYTHING your raising a second child.
If you truly love him, money shouldn’t matter. I can’t imagine how it makes him feel knowing you even feel that way. Smh
It’s about balance and you’re saying there is none, is that right? That you make more and do all of the domestic things as well. That is a lot for one person. He’s tried to help but it didn’t work out, well he just has to keep trying. He should want to help lighten the load physically, especially if he can’t monetarily. If he can’t take on more responsibility somehow in the household, you may get resentful and think “Who needs you? I pay all the bills and do everything around here.” Have several conversations and try to make it work. If you can’t make it work, have a conversation about that too. Best wishes!
If you are making that much more hire a maid!
If both partners work I feel they should both contribute equally to all aspects of the relationship including the bills, children and the chores. One sided relationships don’t work.
I make more and it works for us. He’s a better cleaner and I cook dinner. Once I’m off work we split duties equally. Trust me women are not naturally better at household crap. We are equals.
My boyfriend stays home with the kids and doing online for his associates and I work and pay for everything. You have the mentality of woman do it better to so you’re mind set needs to change.
Sounds like he needs help figuring out how to do chores and take care of his child. Why would anyone expect so little of a “man” is beyond me.
I’m sorry but that just sounds very petty.
Shouldn’t you expect him to just be proud of you and not strive to one up you when you’re on top??
I make significantly more money than my husband, but it is not a problem because all our money goes into a joint account and bills come out from there. Honestly, being married makes the situation a lot easier to handle for us.
You told him to make more money or do housework I think you’ve not dealt with a man that does nothing not work not housework has to be told to shower so maybe with the extra money you can grab a maid service for you both
For heavens sake hire a housekeeper, be thankful you have a man that loves you and your child.
If you want a rich man, than find one. Obviously if you own a business you’ll probably make wayyy more then him. At least hes a loving father. What more do you want?
I feel if my man let’s me be the breadwinner then he must not love me
As long as the bills are paid and the relationship is good does it really matter that you make more? You say you love him and he’s a good dad. You’re fortunate to have built your successful business but now you’re going to punish him because he wasn’t so lucky? You were in this together before you became so successful. Nows the perfect time to kick him to the curb because he’s clearly failing as a man (not serious about that last part)
I personally want to be the bread winner. I plan on going back to school and will be making more then my boyfriend. Right now we are equal but we don’t have shared bills or live together or anything yet. I’m perfectly okay with making more money and knowing I have to pay more. All I want is for him to do what makes him happy. As long as he gives me what I need in a relationship(loving, caring, communication) then it doesn’t matter if I make more.
“…the woman is naturally better at things he can’t do (i.e., cleaning, laundry, taking care of baby, etc.)”
Honey, who tricked you into believing this? Men are perfectly capable of handling household chores.
Now if you prefer to do more housework in lieu of paying some bills then that’s simply a discussion you and your bf need to have. There is nothing wrong with “traditional” gender roles as long as you are both comfortable with it. But when one partner carries the bills and housework then you will hit a breaking point sooner rather than later. Hopefully bf will step up before that happens.
Same happened to me he become my husband and decided to come work for me 20 yrs later we both run the business and get paid equally . So basically he is your life partner in everything, bring him into the business, grow together
You want equal dynamics but say he should make more than you? How is that equal
I worked full time honey works full time I keep up with house and a house keeper once a month but his work is harder and longer hours
I had a similar situation. Husband was a pipeliner. He had to take an off the road job after a motorcycle accident, and I became the main earner. We also have a traditional relationship. I just finished cleaning up dinner and am rocking our newborn as I type this.
I think how we make it work after being so use to him making the big bucks is a modified way of doin our bank accounts. We each keep a few hundred in our personal accounts for “fun spending” and then we have a joint for bills and big purchases. It may be mostly “my money”, but since we have to discuss and agree on the big purchases, it becomes “our money.”
Household wise, I take care of most chores and the kiddos. He does pitch in with chores when asked and gives me a break when needed, but the tasks mostly fall to me. He takes on the “traditional” man roles; working on my car, hauling/unloading my furniture purchases, and remodel projects. He is updating all our light switches and outlet right now. We appreciate each other for picking up where the other person lacks.
I think there are times he is bothered by the money. I remind him how he takes the kids to daycare, how I live in beautifully remodeled home cause of his hard work, or how he drives to get me wine in rough days. Those thing add up, and are worth so much to me in the moment.
I’m seeing just cuz you are a women you shouldnt make more and help support ? So Sexist is what I see know wonder y the world thinks women can’t do what men do. We want equal rights yet complain about it
Hire help and don’t feel like you have to do so much
Everybody is stuck on the money comments but he is not pulling his weight around the house with helping take care of the kids and household. I would get tired of doing everything alone while all he does is work. It shouldn’t matter who makes more but since y’all are both working both of y’all should share chores equally at home. Just sit him down and tell him what you need him to do. If he doesn’t change and you are overwhelmed, it might be time to move on.
Maybe instead of going 50/50 on the bills he can pay the bulk of it and you can use your money for a cleaning service, or daycare/babysitter
I make more than my husband, but we are both okay with it. He doesn’t care about money, and I worked really hard and got 2 degrees (working on a 3rd) so I could make enough money in life. Plus, if worst case scenario came and my husband left me, I knew I would be able to take care of my kids and myself. He should be contributing more to the household though, because my husband is home a lot more than me and does a lot of the household chores right now.
If you making more money puts doubts in your head about your relationship … sounds like you need to quit your business and get back to doing what women are “naturally better at” instead of pressuring him to make more . What a loser ass post
Y’all have been together for years, but now it won’t work because you make more money? I don’t understand why y’all don’t built the business together and just pay the bills from a shared account. You are literally making him feel worthless because of money.
Men do tbe mechanical .building.maintenance part that a woman might not be able to do eitjer…love shoukd come before any amou t of mo ey…if he loves u n good father n doin his best tben be thankful u r able to make money and be thankful u arent scrimping for food…dont make him feel bad…
IF both parents work a full time JOB …the amount each earns should NOT be an issue …you don’t even look at that part as long as the bills are being meet… However the household chores should be shared equally also. You can let him maybe pick the chores he is most comfortable and adept at doing and you do the rest. BUT if both are working the house hold chores should be a shared responsibility. Remember to include chores he maybe doing like changing the oil or tire mowing the lawn etc in your list of his chores.
My advice would be to sit down and talk about it with him. Tell him how you feel. Maybe you can come to a compromise. If not try being single. Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side Sometimes it is. no judgment, your feelings are valid.
I have 3 boys by myself, I work my butt off and I wish I had someone else there to lighten the load Sometimes. If you feel like your doing everything yourself it can be stressful.
I don’t think your problems have anything to do with who makes more money, but about his laziness. You are not his servant and he made half of that child, he needs to help. Make it non-negotiable. If he doesn’t pull his weight, then he either hires someone (with his money) to do his side of housework or . My husband works full time and I stay home and he still helps me around the house. Marriage is about helping each other and being partners.
Hey, it’s 2021. Rigid gender roles are so passé. My daughter will always be the primary breadwinner and financial manager in her marriage, but he does the cooking, takes care of household stuff, is handy, and loves her intensely and unconditionally. We fully expect her to continue working while he will eventually become a stay at home dad. No complaints. Whatever works.
I made more than my 2nd husband, owned our house, and I was OK with that until his rageful side came out. Stereotypical roles are confining and restrictive. Everyone should just fill the role/s they are comfortable with and capable of so that work is distributed fairly. So whatever that looks like, yay!