You knew exactly what you were doing. After all this time you were striking out at the dad through his innocent wife. 
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Sending in a buddy to do a DNA test is not something that would work, they verify IDâs and take pictures of the individual being a tested. I have a family member that owns a lab and does DNA testing, they always verify the person providing the samples. Of course thereâs always a chance that the individual collecting samples didnât do their job, but not usually something that gets overlooked, especially in a paternity case.
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Its sad fr his wife. She shud turn his world now. He is a cheat
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I donât think you did anything wrong at all. First of all my father ignored me until I was about 16. His dad wanted to meet me before he died. (He passed 2 weeks after meeting me) I was deprived the privilege of knowing that man. Iâm sure I have siblings but have no clue. My father has once again ignored me. But, I got to meet my family.
Your child has siblings. They have a brother. Who gives a shit how or why or what happens with all of you! But the kids have the right to make their own (unbiased from their parents) choice to know each other and have a relationship.
Y doesnt he hav feelings fr dis child. Not fair.
Yâall love to point the finger at the woman. Itâs HIS responsibility to be faithful and not be a sl*tâŚ. I personally wouldnât have waited 11 years but I would also want somebody to tell me later rather that never. Sheâs in no way wrong for wanting to STEP UP and take responsibility and help her.
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You didnât cheat. He did. You did nothing wrong. She needed to know.
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You did the right thing. He wasnât willing to be truthful with her and she has a right to know.
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How she did it maybe not the best way
But she gave him every opportunity to tell her the truth
And he chose not to
For her child I understand
But in way I feel it was mean but you do you and left everything fall into place on itâs own no more stirring the pot
I wouldnât have waited 11 years but it is what it is.
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That poor poor woman. You should have told her 11 years ago when you got pregnant and found out about her. It a females boyfriend so much as messages and hits on me Iâm in her inbox telling her. I couldnât imagine getting pregnant by some married guy and not telling the wife!! That would eat me up. The right thing would have been to tell her. 11 years ago. Now youâve just turned her life upside down and her kids lived and they donât know if anything in their life is real. Iâm not sure why you went to her. Clearly the guy doesnât want anything to do with you or your child. Sad as it is it is the truth. So why when your child is at such a sensitive age would you try to force the father to become involved. I just donât see this going well for anyone at this point. Not your poor baby. Not his wife. Not her kids. Maybe for you it will work out but right now everyoneâs life is fucked. Iâm not saying you did the wrong thing. I support women telling women the truth. Iâm just wondering why you insisted after 11 years of neglect to force his hand and reveal the truth⌠you knew the wife didnât know. Now what do you want and expect to happen⌠genuinely asking
Best of luck. Hug your child tight
Why are you still thinking about this 11 years down the road. You chose to raise your child on your own, you said do yourself, why now?
I have an 11 year old with a man that was married with children that I didnât know was married either until I told him I was pregnant. He denied it my whole pregnancy. Dna confirmed. But let me tell you, 11 years later am I still bitter thinking about it? Heck no! I think you might help to move on from this.
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You did the absolute right thing by telling his wife that you two have a child so that way at least the kids can get to know each other. Itâs sad that it had an affair and didnât say anything to his wife e
You did the right thing, you are a very strong woman to be going through this if you really didnât know he was married with children at the beginning. Thank you for not lying to your son, you could have told him his father passed away or something along those line but you didnât which is really amazing! Who knows one day when your son grows up he may end up in a ârelationshipâ with his sister 
I mean it definitely is possible, but since you did the right thing and decided to be honest and open no matter how hard Iâm sure it was to go to the wife since the pos father doesnât want anything to do with his son. I couldnât imagine! Iâm sorry you went through something like this and I really really feel for the poor wife⌠that man deserves the absolute worst! And for everyone who is shaming this strong woman for doing it alone for 11 years and putting her son first with all of this yâall really need to be blaming the man who decided to get another woman pregnant while he was married and had a whole life then decided to dip out so he wouldnât get caught⌠wow you people in this world are something else! 
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Well she may regret getting dad involved now. Honestly, sometimes kids are better off without having a âparentâ who doesnât want anything to do w them. I wouldnât want to force someone to be in my childâs life personally - even if it was just for money. Now she may be stuck with him till her son is 18 and have to share custody which she may hate etc⌠things I hope that she thought through.
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You absolutely did the right thing, I probably wouldnât have waited 11 years.
Personally If I was the wife in this situation I would want to know
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There is no right answer on how to handle this situation. U did what u felt what was right. Only u know how it feels to b in ur shoes. Well Iâm sure there r a few others. I bet it feels good to get that off ur back. Now handle ur business same way u have been. U got this young lady. Wish u & the rest involved the best.
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she choose to do it on her own for 11 years if she had told the wife when she found out she was pregnant things probably would have been different this girl can blame herself for having unprotected sex with a stranger simple as
Why did you wait 11 years? I feel like thereâs got to be some explanation for that part. Part of me wants to understand waiting but for 11 years? I would have blown everything up right away and dealt with the fallout then instead of waiting. Iâm not judging just genuinely curious what changed in those 11 years to make you decide to do this now? If he didnât want to be involved then thereâs not much thatâll change his mind 11 years later. What were you hoping the outcome was going to be?
Also, ftr, she should have known and you did the right thing telling her but you didnât explode her world, he did when he cheated and refused to tell her for 11 years. So that guilt isnât yours and you should put it down.
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You gave him 11 years to come clean and make it right. I guess he isnât man enough to come clean and make it right. You did the right thing for your childâs sake!!
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F**k him. She deserves to know.
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For everyone say why did you wait the 11 years? She probably didnât want no contact but seeing as her kid is a 11 heâs probably been asking about his dad. But also, as a women I wouldâve told her as soon as I found out he was married. She loved this guy blindly for 11 years without knowing he was being a cheater and unfaithful . Itâs an understatement that her whole world just came crashing down
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Your 11 years too late to feel âokâ. Why the hell did it take you so damn long lmao
Also, those of you calling her a homewrecker, she had no idea until AFTER the child was born that he was married. Stop putting the blame on her. He knew what he was doing. He made the choice to cheat on his wife. You canât be a homewrecker if you donât know he has a home. 
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Youâve done the right thing for your son. It speaks volumes of his fatherâs character to have behaved the way he did. Men donât like complications and will lie till they are blue in the face in the hope of saving themselves from facing the consequences. You werenât to know what his situation was. No doubt you werenât the only one. You know that you can look your son in the eye and tell him youâve done everything you possibly could have done to ensure he knows his family. Your son is 11, by the time any motions to have custody gets to any court hearing, he will be 12 and in the eyes if the law, able to decide whether he wants to have anything to do with his father. Good luck. Donât ever feel guilty for trying to do your best for your child!
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Normally I just read these posts and I donât always respond to them. I really wanted to respond to this because I donât see a single thing wrong with what you did! You found out that he was married 11 years ago and you decided not to try to break his family up when you found out which I give you props for that because if it was me, I probably would have got a hold of him and if it broke his family up, thatâs on him for cheating. So for you to get ahold of him and his family even if it was 11 years later, I see nothing wrong with it. Your child has a right to know his father if he wants to. And this guy did something wrong and it was going to come out eventually. If he never intended on his family finding out, it would have happened eventually. But it just shows that heâs a piece of crap and probably didnât want anything to do with any one outside of his family. Thatâs sad for your child but he should have accepted that that is his child but 11 years and he still hasnât try to connect with his child, thatâs pretty sad. I feel like heâs just a jerk. I mean obviously he is if he cheated on his wife in the first place but then to ignore the fact that he has another child out there for all those years. Itâs just wrong! You didnât do anything wrong! Never think you did.
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In the end though you canât force him to be apart of your childâs life and if he doesnât want to be involved you donât want him there. It will just hurt your child more in the long run cause he wonât be consistent or stick around.
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You sound petty asf.
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Im curious why you waited 11 years?
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Im curious why you waited 11 years?
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No. Doing the right thing, would have been telling his wife 11 years ago. What were you trying to accomplish by telling her after all this time? Seems like youâre just trying to cause drama.
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This is my last comment. I just have one last question. Why. Just why would you even want that man to be involved. Why would you want your son to know his father if his father is a piece of shit cheater liar and neglected his own kid. I learned the hard way. No dad is better than a shitty dad. Iâm a single mom and my kids will not know their father cause I have a restraining order on him. I wonât open up a relationship with him cause he doesnât deserve it. I will answer my kids questions Honestly and if they make their way to contacting him then thatâs different and I will support them and whatever outcome. But I will never go out of my way to try to convince a shitty person to be a good father. Never ever again
You sound messy.
It wasnât your place to tell that woman.
You knew it would cause drama in that man marriage.
Youâre angry he was still married.
He ignored you for 11 years.
What was the point in trying to reach him now?
Thought the wife would have left and you get him huh?
Smh.
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You did what you had too do for your son to be happier itâs not your fault he never told his MRS about his boy from youâre
Relationship
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You never should have involved her. What a cruel thing to do to someone. You should have tended to your business thru the court system and the father. By the way didnât you say it was your choice to raise your child alone?
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Why not from the beginning for child support?
Why did you do that obviously you wanted to hurt someone and you did time doesnât heal anything for anyone lady
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Hes a coward, and doesnât deserve her, you and the children.
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Dude owes child support. Children need to know where they came from. And whoâs their siblings. And the wife needed to know what kind of man sheâd been married to the entire time. Devastation happened. Now the healing will begin. It will take time. All of you will heal. Dudeâs got âsplaininâ to do.
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Shouldâve done it 11 years ago, now you shouldve just kept your mouth shut.
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So everyone doesnât have to read all the responses this is the OP. Posted above somewhere
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I would like to know what you have told your child about the whereabouts of his father his entire life? Was your child aware that his father was around but not accessible? What was it that made you go to his wife? Also has he offered any compensation over the years to his child? You cannot force a relationship between father and son going to his wife. Why could you not have gone with your child directly to the father and told him âthis is your sonâ itâs time to acknowledge him". You just dropped a bomb. Instead of dealing with his son he now has to deal with a really traumatic mess of his wife and children finding out about an affair and a child. Yes, she needed to know , Your lover should have been given the opportunity to tell his wife and family. I am not judging. I just do not see what you or your son will gain from the devastating news you just dropped in the wifeâs lap.
It canât be undone and I sincerely hope that his wife, your child and his siblings will recover. Yes,your former lover was 100 percent in the wrong not to be forthcoming that he was married. At what point did he know you actually had his child and has he had any interaction in the past eleven years? 
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Donât feel bad. Itâs obv his fault. He opened his marriage without his spouse knowing. He is a coward and should have been up front.
Did he really believe this was one of those brush under the rug situations? This is a human life he is responsible for creating. Terribly sad he never tried to reach out and meet his child. Iâm sorry you have had to deal with this for so long by yourself.
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I had to do this to another baby mama who had no idea we existed but they werenât married and it was about a few months after my first turned one and I had a newborn ! But I think siblings need to know about each other , and now the three of us baby mamas are friends
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A lot of people will tell you what you couldâve or shouldâve done in this situation but reality is that you did what you had to. Your son deserves to know where he came from. Dudes wife tears arenât your fault, itâs the actions of her husband.
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I think you can ask any single person you want if you did the right thing but if theyâve never been in this exact situation, then their opinion doesnât matter. Everyone can say they would do it one way, but until they actually are in the same situation, they have no idea what theyâd do.
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You did the right thing by telling her. People who say otherwise are not honest people. It is her right to know. It is 100% the guys fault, if he didnât want drama, he should not be a cheater.
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Please do not listen to anyone trying to make you feel bad. As a wife, I would want to know. Not only for me, but for my kids. You did the right thing, even if it doesnât feel like it now. There is no time limit on stuff like this, and donât let anyone make you feel bad for waiting.
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I think telling her was your last resort for the benefit of your son. Too bad, she was hurt but no .more covering up for this less than a man. She deserves to know the truth! Your son is your priority and he has no moral compass by having his friend take his DNA test and deserves no consideration. Quit, with the guilt trip!
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Honestly you should have told her at the time you fell pregnant, your boy has missed out on all this time with his siblings, but she knows now, and hopefully they can all meet, and Iâm sure you have closure too, as Iâm sure thst must have been part of it.
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You should have kept ur mouth shut.u did for 11 yrs why stir the pot now.smh
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He probably kept cheating on her too since he didnât get caught the first time. She did this woman a favor, set her free. If she chooses to be with him after, thatâs her business. The child deserves the truth. As a wife as much as it hurt me, Iâd want to know the truth. My children and the other womanâs, if she is willing, deserve to have a bond. He deserves nothing. (Especially, since she had no idea he was married) That is my personal opinion.
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In OP comment above talking about she âgave him chances to be honest with his familyâ . Sounds more like old girl was pissed off ( of course) because he wouldnât reply and wouldnât take responsibility. I get that. But itâs a crappy and selfish move to tell his wife. She just devastated a whole family. Those people didnât do anything to her and what about those children? Do their lives matter less than her sons? Iâd also like to remind OP you were just as responsible as the BD for using birth control as he is. (And finding out if the guy is married ) Especially if itâs a one time hook up. Ultimately the only person responsible for our life choices is us. Iâm not saying BD isnât equally responsible for the consequences of his own unwise choices and for his child. But I am JS, his kind of behavior is no surprise considering it was a hook up. Iâm not judging just sharing a more realistic viewpoint, gained by making more than MY share of unwise choices. Wishing you and your family well
And a good resolution for your son that will not affect his developing self worth. 
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I believe you could have done it in a different way like get a court order to make him get a DNA
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I think the bigger question is how was he so inaccessible and yet it was so easy to contact the wifeâ:thinking: that makes no sense at like allll. 
She wanted to contact the wife she didnât NEED to. And if it was for child support, Anyone who has filed child support will tell you the court does everything for you including track the guy down again lol this was obviously not a situation where it was last resort she even knew where his family members wereâ:joy:.
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Honestly you sound lonely & miserable because thatâs only something a miserable person would do after 11 years, especially after choosing to raise him on your own. You made your choice 11 years ago, but instead chose to hurt people you donât even know. Thatâs a really sh*tty thing to do.
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All you did was set up a lot of animosity around your son that he will have to take the repercussions from. His siblings, father, and stepmother will always resent him for the turmoil and change in their dynamics that was created by the way you handled this. To your son it will feel like it is his fault, it will take some time for things to settle down, if they ever do, and allow a genuine relationship with his family on his dadâs side. Surely you knew you were causing drama that your son would pay for. You did not set things up in a manner in which your son will be treated well by them, that is very important for you to remember!
You sound immature, first for having unprotected sex with a man you did not know well, and second for using your son as a pawn to upset people who have done nothing to you. This could have been handled differently, you should have simply told your son the truth about your poor choices and when he was older helped him reach out to his father in a manner that would not be so damaging to him. You should have pursued child support from the beginning through the Courts.
Get your son into some counseling, he is going to need support understanding all this!
Ok ⌠by OPs own words⌠âI chose to raise my child on my ownâŚâ⌠so why now? 11 years? So because she changed her mind for her child⌠the other kids donât matter. The woman has the right to choose, but I guess the man doesnât? Nor the family members that chose to ignore her? If it was all of that why didnât she go to court years ago? Going for child support is free⌠she was definitely responsible for providing her own birth control as well.
This is just messyâŚ
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The wife deserved to know what he husband did while they were married . Whether it be a day after it happened or 20 years . She deserved to know . You did the RIGHT thing by telling her!!! Heâs the one who is in the wrong . He shouldâve spoke up . He shouldâve told his wife . He didnât . your son deserves to know his dadâs side of the family and where he came from . His family history .
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Seems shady. After 11 years I would have just kept raising my child.
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To all of you saying, âShe should have kept it to herself because all she did was ruin lives.â Shame on you. Are you saying that their little boy doesnât deserve to know who is father is because he was born 11 years ago? Are you saying that because he did what he did 11 years ago, itâs just âOh-well, too bad so sadâ? He made a choice to lay with someone other than his wife and the result of that choice was a child. A living, breathing, human being that has every right to know his medical history, where he came from and his parents. (plural, MOTHER AND FATHER). You donât get to mom shame her because she did what she thought was right at the time. This man, a husband and a father, had an an affair, and he had a child that he was aware of and chose to not own up and take personal accountability for those actions, who really ruined lives, regardless of the timeline. Itâs not okay to normalize this behavior. His wife has every right to know that her husband has another child. Iâd want to know if I was married to a giant piece of dogshit.
I mean after 11 yearsâŚwhy?
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You shouldâve squashed this 11yrs ago and when he sent his friend to take the DNA test
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Am I the only one impressed with the WIFE of the cheater?! I mean, you find out that not only did your matrimonial vows get disregarded & disrespected, BUT heâs been ignoring his own flesh & blood for 11 years! The fact that she has the grace to be kind & considerate to the woman he cheated with is beyond impressive & THAT is a beautiful soul that never deserved this kind of life.
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Well, well, well, look at all the woman haters! Walk a mile in her shoes, then if you are sinless, cast the first stone!
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The boys should know who his father is even if heâs a piece of shit
Blah blah 11 years too late my ass. Maybe she thought this would NEVER come up. Maybe she assumed he child would be well being raised by a single parent, maybe he started asking questions. Maybe thereâs a health issue. Who knows. Bottom line is HE HAD AN AFFAIR, not her.
She was very selfish telling his wife, why did she wait 11yrs. Was She was jealous of there happiness,
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No. No you definitely did not do the right thing.
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Wow. Some of these comments are ridiculous.
If after 11 years of trying to keep his secret, you reached out to the father and the fathers family with no luck.
Reaching out to the wife was not a horrible move, life altering yes, but not the worst in the world.
I can think of so many positive outcomes just as I can negative. I believe whatâs done is done, if the wife is not mad at you and willing to allow your son to bond with her kids then thatâs the best outcome!
Kids matter and are our future.
Allow this to be a positive time in your sons life. If the father still doesnât want to have anything to do with his son, heâs not losing anything but gaining siblings.
God bless you and I pray for comfort.
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I mean their son was asking questions about his dad. She chose to be honest with him as opposed o lying to him. Instead of having her son reach out and be rejected, she did what she could to try and soften the blow. I think either way it wouldâve been a shit show. The wife handled it like a freaking queen. Hopefully now the little boy can get some kind of closure and spend some time with his siblings.
I am DISGUSTED with how many of you think she should have kept this LIFE CHANGING information to herself. This is exactly whatâs wrong with our current world 
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The kids deserve to know about their sibling.
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Choosing too raise your child after 11 yearsâŚlet me translate for all the ignorance and backlash bc clearly some of these posts are posted comments by those with no children. At 11 years old your child starts the âchangeâ. Sometimes before or after. They feel so many emotions. This child probably I can almost guarantee it, wanted too know who dad was. We can protect our kids. She probably was helpless and all she could do was tell the wife if she couldnât get ahold of the guy. Or should the wife have found a letter in the mail from the government? I mean câmon ppl you guys are awful you donât know what itâs like too raise a confused, hurt preteen. Itâs a huge reason for suicide and depression in children. Lack of parents. Keep on protecting your baby. After 11 years u held it in long enough. Wasnât up too u anymore.
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Why did you choose to tell her now? What was the reason that it HAD to happen now but not before now?
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For a positive outcome i hope your son is not hurt any more by rejection or denial from his father because that would hurt him even more⌠Good luck!
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What scum he sent his friend to take his dna test. Honestly you should have kept reaching out and trying when it first happened. But I understand if you did it now. Your child has a right to know their father and you have a right to child support.
These comments did not pass the vibe check
-Whoâs to say op wasnât on birth control and it just failed?
-Itâs very possible the child started asking about their father and thatâs why op decided to reach out after all these years
-If my husband cheated on me and had a whole nother child, I WOULD WANT AND DESERVE TO KNOW
Edit: I saw above that op replied to someoneâs comment and the child was asking about their father
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Iiikkk!!! 𤡠no judgement from me as I donât have an opinion on any of it I just hope all works out for the stability and mental health of all involved but especially the kids and in the end a positive result comes out of it for the sake of the kids. Good luck with it all OP 
All the Key board warriors on here, all you ladies and your nonsense comments who assume to know everything!!!
Leave the poor lady alone. Put yourself in her shoes.
when it comes to your kids, nothing else should matter. And she done the best thing for her son. Good on her, for thinking about him first. The father can deal with HIS consequences now.
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As a married women I would have wanted to know⌠he will pay for his nonsense . Why does he deserve to be happy when he has messed up now one but TWO peoples life. Nah talk to me Ma Iâll handle mine.
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If she wanted to start drama she would have did it 11 years ago âŚr the judges here remembering there is an 11 year old little boy??? Who I guarantee is starting to use his voice and wanting to understand why he doesnât have a dadâŚâŚwho cares about the parents feelings âŚall that comes to my mind is at least he can meet his siblings and maybe the wife will have a bigger heart than some of the ppl on here
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If he sent his friend to do the DNA test they wouldâve needed his ID and if he did that to avoid child support Iâm pretty sure thatâs illegal, and you could also take him for 11 years worth of child
Support of he fraudulently lied on a DNA test
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Put all the lipstick that you want on this and itâs still a pig. Whether the ladies birth control failed or anything else applies, the man knew that he was married and had a family. He created this situation and itsâ consequences. She has a duty to the child that they made, not him. There was no perfect, storybook ending in the options list. The duty goes back to the dad in this story. He selfishly disrespected both women and all of the children. Stop trying to shift the blame. He worked for it, he earned it and he got it. Karma is a beast. Itâs unfortunate for the wife but she shouldnât be more important than the childâŚever. it all goes back to the one person that had and failed his duty to protect his family.
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You did the right thing âŚone way or another this child must be acknowledgedâŚhats off to youâŚ
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coming from someone who has been there. I found out my husband had another child by the child calling my house and asking to speak to his daddy. I was outraged at my husband, no one else, heâs the one that cheated. He wanted our 3 kids to meet this one and be part of my family! I said "Oh, hell no, my kids are not going to be subjected to that. Needless to say, I soon became a single mom!!!
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Itâs not about her or him or the family it was about her child knowing who there father is and every child deserves that to. It may have been messy but you did the right thing
I mean after 11 years what is your motive
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No. You did not. You should have done it 11 years ago. For your child.
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Take the father to Court for Child Support.
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The kids have a right to know. The sooner the better.
Honestly, if it was me⌠Iâd only be upset that it took you 11 years to reach out directly to me. My husband and his family on the other handâŚ. Iâd be irate with them. And itâs going to take her some time. You just told her today? She still has a lot of processing to do. Thatâs a big shock for anyone to digest.
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No hard feelings toward you? Donât kid yourself
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U didnt do the right thing. Wat would have been right was calling him out to his wife when he failed to take responsibility 11yrs ago. When u âchose to raise my child on my ownâ u shouldnât have bothered with turning other peopleâs lives upside down. If i was that wife id def not be gentle with you!!! How easy was it for u to turn another lady and her kidsâs world upside down at ur chosen time jus cuz u cudnt stick by ur decision! Id be mad at u even if u were my bff.
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You didnât turn her world around. He did 11 years ago when he had a child with you. Iâm disgusted by some of these comments.
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What do you hope to gain from doing what you did? I wouldnât want anyone to be FORCED into having a relationship with my child, which is what it feels like you are trying to do. After 11 years I would have already moved on and forgot about dude.
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If a woman has a right to back out of parenthood so should a father. You knew he didnât want this and you should have left it at that. Not wait 11 years and disrupt their lives.
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You did the right thing. I have been in this situation. My husband had a baby with another girl. We tried to be involved but she is bitter that we are working on our marriage. She did know he was married and had three kids. So itâs a lil different. But we tried to be involved but she only wants him to visit at her house and me not around
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Yes the wife should have known 11 years ago. You only did it now out of revenge and that makes you childish and I feel sorry for the child that yâall created. Because all you did was bring more drama into their life. The dad does not want that child and this will not change any of that. You did it for you and to spite him. Donât try to paint a pretty picture and act like you did a good thing. It would have hurt her less if you would have did it 11 years ago but you waited. You are in the wrong
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All the negative comments here blaming the mother of the child for waiting 11years to tell the wife of her childâs father that he has a kid but no blame on the father or his family for not being honest or taking responsibility in the first place⌠he shouldâve been the one to tell his wife but I mean itâs a delicate thing to talk about no matter what side of the fence your on. No one wants to be called a homewrecker for spilling the truth about big things like this
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