Did I do the right thing?

OK so he walked out for the 3rd time saying he's going to work because he can't find work here. So he walked out & 20 min later he's acting rude & being disrespectful so I put up with it for 2 days & I blocked him. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel right but if we're not on the same page & he switches up on me he's clearly telling me he don't want the family life. He has been clean & sober for 22 months which I thought was a good thing but his attitude is still the same when he was using so this is a pattern & I'm so heartbroken. Being now then later right.
589 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Did I do the right thing?

You are better off without him

2 Likes

Keep it that way he’s probably relapsed or thinking about it

4 Likes

I’m glad you broke the cycle

Not sure who he is… but let him go… bye!

3 Likes

Good girl, don’t turn back. You’re better than that

1 Like

Maybe when he’s walking out, he’s using? You need consistency. Take care of yourself and your kids.

5 Likes

Is he still clean, or is he picking fights as an excuse to leave to use?

10 Likes

Oof. Never allow a man to tell you more than once he doesn’t want you. Believe him the first time. You deserve better.

12 Likes

Yes you did…the right person will come along when you’re not even looking!!

Depends on what he was using and if he’s seeking proper therapy or in need of anti depressants.

I’ve dealt with this. After a 9 year rollercoaster of his hamster wheel cycle, the ups and downs and mood swings, lying too, I decided that I don’t need to live that way.

3 Likes

Are we talking about a husband, boyfriend, son??

3 Likes

I pray GOD Blesses you.

1 Like

You did the right thing.Some get use to that revolving door.Its definitely not healthy,save yourself now :heart:

Good job! Do you, Boo!

1 Like

Physically sober is good and all, but real change and sobriety happens mentally too. Not just physically. Some take longer than others to make the mental connection to sobriety not just the physical. I was sober for 6 months before I mentally WANTED to stay sober, then it took almost a year for my brain to heal from my addiction. Addiction often is caused by mental illness, in effort to self medicate. So without the drugs or alcohol to cope with my mental illness, it took me a long time to cope with it without the source of my addiction. He may need more time to get himself together. He didn’t become addicted overnight, and he won’t recover overnight either. I’m not saying put up with his toxicity, but try to understand it.

8 Likes

He struggling to stay sober. He going cold turkey. You just need keep praying…pray with him. Eventually you can be his go to. Never judge him if he is wanting to relapse.

2 Likes

As a recovering addict, I can say, if you don’t identify and address the issues that caused you to use and find a healthier way to cope, your chances of staying clean are pretty low. It sounds to me like this maybe what he’s struggling with. Either way, protect you. Your mental health should come first. Nothing you do will help him stay clean unless he wants it for himself.

10 Likes

Has he really been clean and sober though?

8 Likes

Just keep going, don’t look back. Run, change everything number and all. Delete, Release, Relax

2 Likes

Let him go- don’t give him the option to return. People treat you the way you teach them to treat you

3 Likes

You never take some ass hat back 3 times . Got rid of my ass hat over 20 years ago and happy ever since . He is a boy not a man . Get healthy first so you will not allow yourself a repeat offender or you become the repeat offender of the same type . It’s called dating for a long time not a minute .

Just because someone is sober, doesn’t mean they’ve done any inner work other than stop using. Real change happens when the realization that inner work is necessary, and there’s action taken to change behaviors.
You did the right thing.

14 Likes

Decide that 2022, no more revolving doors. Take back your power.

9 Likes

You did good…he needs to get his shit together

If hes still acting the same maybe hes not sober and just hiding it better?

8 Likes

Look out for yourself and kids

1 Like

Your not on the same page…cause your reading different books…sure his not drinking…their clever at hiding there stash…does his breath always smell like toothpaste ? Mouth wash ?

2 Likes

I’d just be glad he’s gone and I could have my peace. Hugs.

1 Like

Doing the best thing for you can be brutally painful.

2 Likes

Who gives anyone the right to be disrespectful. Thats a seperate problem. Bye bye. No one deserves that crap. Life can be hard enough, and we can manage that, especially with a caring respectful partber in our corner. But its a killer to have your SO
being disrespectful. Move on. Take care of yourself & family and be happy and stress free. Good luck. :green_heart:

1 Like

It’s great if he is sober and clean22 months, but he needs to realize the prize isn’t getting to walk on you. Sometimes you have to let the past go and rebuild the future.

It gets easier look forwards where you haven’t been rather than backwards where you have

1 Like

Maybe he needs counseling with trying to handle life sober is hard for someone who’s never been sober. Maybe you should talk to him. Not saying its right how he treats you but addiction is a hard thing to fight.

1 Like

Sounds like he’s still acting the same because maybe he’s depressed and the issues were not resolved by getting sober also drugs/alcohol affect the chemical make up of your body and he may need medication, therapy or both. Everyone saying leave I don’t necessarily agree with because we don’t have enough information to make that determination plus that’s not the first thing you go to and if someone fought to get clean and had been for 22 month you’d just leave them in the dust to relapse? Not saying you need to be walked on either but Communicate goes a long way and maybe therapy together. You mentioned work and really didn’t understand that part but if he’s having trouble finding work then maybe he is feeling like a failure and old thoughts are creeping in and this is the time support is needed. I have been sober for 11 years and the first few years were still rough as I had to learn how to be myself again, no one becomes a addict overnight and it took a lot of therapy, medication, journaling, self love and so much more to finally recognize myself and be happy again even after being sober.

It’s obvious yall are just not meant to be. Move on. Dont have to ‘stay together for the kids’.

How sad that when things are rough, everyone tells you too leave! I suggest counseling for you both. He is fighting a very dark demons. Drinking and drugs are not the easiest to beat. It can be a life long battle. If you both live each other, then keep up the fight. Sometimes bad habits can look totally different when sober. 22 months is something to be very proud of, and the 12 steps to sobriety isn’t easy.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Did I do the right thing?

I would want to know too… I think you did the right thing. Better late than never, right?

13 Likes

He wants nothing to do with your son I see no reason telling her, I would have told your son when he’s old enough to seek him out on his own for answers to do so,I’m on the fence with this 1

31 Likes

Should’ve kept it to yourself. He would’ve stepped up if he wanted… He didn’t and now you’ve ruined a woman and her children when it wasn’t your place.

37 Likes

You should have told her 11yrs ago. Why now?

40 Likes

How sad for that woman and her kids but she definitely needed to know what kind of man her husband is. For all you two know there could be more women and children out there that non of you know about. Least now her eyes have been opened and she can try and protect her and her kids from anything that’s to come x

25 Likes

You should of kept that to your self it’s been 11 years , it was his job to tell her that. So now that the wife know what are you expecting now ?

15 Likes

People think of the children not the dumbass dude!!

Good for you he’s a scum bag why should your child not no about is sperm donor father why should he get away with it and walk of with is happy life I would have turn there world upside down good for you DONT FEEL BAD

Yeah after 11 yrs… you hurt lots of people I feel, waiting that long. Dang. Rather sooner the better I think. After long I would have just said nothing and let your kid decide if he wanted contact later on

6 Likes

No idea why this mum who’s been doing it alone for 11y is to blame, there was a whole husband in the picture aye… pretty sure he’s the one who put himself in that position, broke his own family up with his wondering eggplant

41 Likes

Its so obvious he did not want anything to do with your or that kid and its sad to be in your shoes that was a Bad guy

3 Likes

Wow how petty…you have carried this grudge so long you now have devastated not only the family of the guy who didn’t want you, but your child as well, and I’m sorry but for a DNA test someone can’t take it for you like obviously this isn’t the father of your kid and yet you destroyed a family because you want him to be the father what you chose to do was destroy lives because you didn’t get the result you were hoping for what’s the saddest part?? Your child will suffer through this 10 times worse and all because your jealousy got the better of you kuddos

14 Likes

Women need to stop giving men these free passes, haul their asses to court for court ordered DNA tests and make them pay. Why do they get a choice as to whether they want to step up or not???

Who did the DNA testing? Proper photo ID should have been presented.

13 Likes

This comment section is really explaining why children are growing up to need therapy, & why TikTok has turned into a “trauma based platform”
:broken_heart::cry:

43 Likes

You really did the right thing give her time eventually she’s gonna want to meet him.
He wanted to he would’ve hun

2 Likes

I agree she should have known but would have told her from the beginning not wait this long - that part makes you look spiteful !

7 Likes

Keep it to yourself? Hell no! I’d want to know if I was with a damn liar and cheater. It’s 2022 women should be stronger than putting up with that shit because we got kids by them. She didn’t break up a home or a family that was broken long ago when he decided to step out in his wife and cheat. I’d rather know and not look like an idiot. Not only that but those children deserve to know they have siblings…1 year 20 years it doesn’t matter you felt in your heart it was the right thing to do and that’s all that matters not an opinion from people who don’t have to live your life. You did a difficult thing and now at least the children involved know they have other siblings and that could be the beginning of a beautiful bond between them.

Ya’ll really? it would have come out eventually. Why should a man that won’t take responsibility for his child get to live a life unbothered. Im sorry but if it were my husband I would want to know. There’s no sweeping stuff under the rug in marriage.

21 Likes

You did the right thing

4 Likes

Not your fault . If you didn’t know.

The negativity is so strong with this group lately, haterade is being brewed so strongly. There is no B.O.D to be found anywhere…
Maybe her son did have questions and obviously isn’t old enough to seek his father out on his own…
Mom did reach out and was ignored by family and the baby’s father…
Maybe she just found out the the friend did the paternity test…
Lots of things are unknown here, why is everyone cutting this woman down?
My mother and father were married and divorced by the time I was 4 years old, they both remarried, my dad had other children and I grew up with so many questions. If I had to reason why mom did this it was for the benefit of her child, to some degree… Compassion costs nothing people…

24 Likes

He’s 100% to blame for the entire situation.

18 Likes

Seems like most people commenting has completely disregarded the fact there is a child involved that deserves to know his family. WTH is wrong with y’all?
It isn’t about NONE of the adults it’s about the children only! Period!

25 Likes

I’ve been through 3 paternity test and I don’t see how the scenario that a friend took the paternity test worked. If the test was conducted through the state the person submitting to the test had to provide ID and a social security number to confirm his identity. I don’t see how a friend could have taken it for him.

8 Likes

Wow…you did the right thing. :heart:

2 Likes

Though I agree yo u should have said something sooner, it was his place to tell his wife and he didn’t and just because you don’t want anything to do with a child because decided to step out on your wife he still has to take responsibility oh damn well she shouldn’t have had to go 11years without him being a father he made a bed he need to lay in it.So no you are not wrong for telling her because he should have been man enough to do it a long time ago.

What did you wait so long? 11 years? What did you hope to accomplish?

5 Likes

You should of done it right away!

5 Likes

I talked to a guy for 2 years just to find out a week before he was getting married that he had a kid and a almost wife…she wasn’t so accepting. You did the right thing. I can’t believe I didn’t know and feel like a dick when I think about it.

This comment section is sad ya’ll…

11 Likes

You waited for 11 years… why come to them now? Is it a money thing…? Obviously the husband doesn’t want to get to know his kid so why wait all this time? Why not 11 years ago when you first had him?

14 Likes

Amazing how everyone is blaming this women for ruining lives instead of a man who cheated and had a kid with someone else.
You did the right thing. I would want to know if I was in that lady’s shoes

37 Likes

You did the right thing if he wasn’t willing to do his responsibility then so be it. His wife would hate you more if you didn’t tell her altho it’s 11years later. No man should get away with it an hide the fact he’s married id of been to their door along time ago he’s to fault an blame not you

4 Likes

You did the right thing. Just 11 years later than you should have. She had every right to know back then.

13 Likes

Some of you women astound me😦 I think some of you ladies got your own issues reflecting here and should get some counseling.
You didn’t ruin anyone’s life, he did that 11 years ago, ruining multiple lives. Yours, your son’s, the wife, kids, and his own. Whether he wants to be apart of your son’s life or not, his siblings have rights as human beings too. His wife has a right to know… Y’all talking about breaking up a family, family already broken riddled with lies I’m sure. I’d rather know the truth, then be fooled and unaware. I wouldn’t have waited 11 years to bring the dark to light tho… But either way as a mother you’re always going to want to do what you think is right for them. I spare no one when it comes to MY babies.

22 Likes

Should have told this asshole that he had 30 days after the child was born to step up and care for the child or you would take him to court.
If he didn’t step up then you should have taken him to court.

You should have told her 11 years ago if he hadn’t. That is if you knew about her then. I agree to tell her but I don’t see why anyone would wait 11 years

6 Likes

You did th right thing , 11 years too late unfortunately but as they say better late than never ! She has every right to know , & u shouldn’t feel bad for doing right by your son , his other children where also in the dark that they had another sibling and thats cruel :broken_heart: I hope in time your son can meet his other siblings and build a bond with them xxx

1 Like

it angers me to see so many negative comments on this post, people that are degrading this woman are completely heartless

8 Likes

I probably would have told him you tell her or I will. You have 1 week or something like that. And follow through if he didn’t. I don’t feel sorry for him at all but for the kids and the wife, yes I do.

1 Like

I think you should’ve said something 11 years ago unless you were unsure. You have to have some form of ID when getting a dna test so I’m wondering how he sent someone else. I know the dna procedure because I had to take my grandchild for one.

4 Likes

You did the right thing. I’m assuming your child wanted to know his family and you could not answer his questions.
I think dad should “man up” this situation is all on him. He caused it, now he will pay the price for his actions.
Your child deserves to know his family.

3 Likes

The right thing would’ve been telling her what a POS he was 11 years ago.

6 Likes

why did you have to reach out? Maybe I missed that part and you had a good reason. If it was simply so he would acknowledge the kid…you choose to keep the child and raise it on your own…he should be paying child support but beyond that you made your choice nwo you destroyed a family, not by your child’s existence, but by going from I’m raising him alone to contacting his bio father’s wife of all people! You made a choice 11 years ago to go it alone NOW you destroyed a woman’s life who did nothing to you adn likely hurt your son.

9 Likes

Hoping this all comes to a head and works in the favor of all the kiddos♥️

1 Like

You should have taken him to court 11 years ago for child support and dna required test, and saved this poor woman from heartache 11 years later.

12 Likes

You do whats best for your child. Screw anyone elses feelings your child is what matters. He gambling with this cheating on his wife. You dont always know whats best right away you are allowed to learn/change your mind. Once you have a child they are the :earth_africa:. He should be held accountable. He should have said something himself too

2 Likes

That woman would have found out years later about her husband. You did what was right for you and your son. Good mamma. 11 yrs old the boy would be asking why dads not around. So you did the right thing. No-one knows how you feel or how the wife feels. But your brought it to light, for you and your son. Keep living for that boy so he doesn’t turn out like his cheating father. You are better. Do better. You did the right thing.

4 Likes

The only victims in this is the wife, and all the kids. They deserve answers. Their life is turned upside down. As far as the side chick and him and his family. Yeah no sympathy from me. Keeping secrets and all that. Secrets come out eventually. Dont do wrong if ya dont want people to know. (Talking about the married guy)

I bet the wife prob has the “i feel so stupid. They all knew and didnt tell me. I was their joke” feeling :sob:

4 Likes

You did the right thing. Probably should’ve done it a little sooner but she still needed to know

4 Likes

For all of you saying oh well 11 yrs too late, are you all perfect? Know what she was likely doing 11 yrs ago? Preparing for a baby while likely working! Trying to put together a crib. After all this time? Yeah cause she’s been doing the job of 2 parents, that tends to make ya a little busy.
And why is she reaching out on behalf of her child you ask? Well he’s 11, probably asking questions, maybe it’s a medical reasoning even.
Some if you are some mean girls for sure.

11 Likes

You know where your intentions were. If you truly did it for your child who deserves everything and as a mom you deserve to fight for it, then just let it be. The only judge is the one above and no man deserves to get away with it nor does a woman deserve to put up with it on either end. But if your intentions were to “get at him” and knowingly didn’t care what it did to the family…. That’s on your conscience. Hope it works out for all.

8 Likes

Unless you knew this man was married when you slept with him, you have nothing to feel sorry for. The only thing I don’t understand is why you waited 11 years to do it. That was not only 11 years of , at the very least, financial support, but also 11 years that you’ve had to live with this while he went on with his life like you and his son didn’t exist. Not to mention 11 years of siblings missing out on one another. When it comes down to it though, you, his wife and his children are the victims in this situation.

4 Likes

11 years late dont you think…i would have wanted to know when it happened 11 yrs ago if i was the wife…

7 Likes

If you chose to raise the child on your own why did u wait 11 years? What were you hoping to gain? And who’s life is better now because of you making contact?

18 Likes

11yrs goes fast and she didn’t know the wanker had a wife or family, he probably lied said he was single, she did the right thing telling the wife they children have the same father! I wouldn’t have hate towards her if I was in this position, people who have negative comments just have a sad life lol ignore them haters

I know that was hard proud of you for the courage it took to tell her I would want to know and she is hurting for sure but also she is now woke to his bullshit I’m sure he’s given her countless other reasons to be suspicious so now she knows she can act accordingly

11 years later?
Why wait that long?

3 Likes

You did absolutely nothing wrong. He should have told her from the beginning. He wrecked her world, not you. Just do what’s best for you and your child.

5 Likes

My question is why did you wait so long?

5 Likes