Do you SO provide entirely for your household? Like bills, groceries, extras? Does he give you any money for yourself and or does he save so that you can get things if you need them? I am currently a STAHM (not by choice). Although I love my kids, I was making great money working. But bc my husband had a bad childhood experience in daycare, he refuses to let the kids go, and I had to be the one to sacrifice everything. It wouldn’t be so bad, but we never have any money, he never saves, and when I offered to take care of the finances, he argues with me bc it’s “his money” … I have to wait around for financial aid, or extra money that I bring in from school to ever get my hair done, any extra clothes, or even get out of this house (which is also always an argument). I never have anything I need ( or want, really) and find myself calling my mother (I’m a grown adult) to borrow money. I am getting really tired of it, but my SO wont even discuss the idea of me going back to work. So my real question is, am I being selfish? is this normal SAHM stuff? or does you SO provide the essentials and still has left over?
This seems like a controlling, unhealthy relationship I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It’s called financial abuse. Part of the 13 systems of abuse. Holding space for you Mama
This is financial abuse
This is definitely financial abuse.
Its controlling behavior. It’s financial abuse.
While it seems abusive, would you 2 be able to work opposite shifts so daycare isn’t necessary and you still have 2 incomes?
Similar situation but different…I’m the one who works and hubby is the SAHD for many similar reasons. We each have “fun money” we get every paycheck. Being a stay at home parent is exhausting, I’ve seen that now that we’re all home, and he deserves more but it’s what we do for now. It’s important for us to have money to buy things we each want, without question. It’s helped us a lot. Might be something to discuss with your partner.
Get someone to watch them kids and get your job. This will NEVER end. Believe me!
Sounds like your SO is a real Dick…
This is absolutely not ok. I grew up in a household like this, and it is abusive.
Hire a nanny. If there is that control or the words my money, or his secretive with where the money goes is too suspicious for me to ignore and I would peace out.
You are 100% NOT SELFISH!!! If he doesn’t want your kids in daycare and he is making you stay home…CHARGE HIM DAYCARE FEES!!
I’m a stay at home mom. My step daughter is in daycare and we have constant issues with her getting injured and her not being properly taken care of at daycare but my SO is not the primary parent so he doesn’t have the choice to take her out of daycare. I had a bad experience with daycare as a child and it’s just so expensive that even if I worked full-time I would be putting my entire paycheck towards daycare. My significant other was not good with finances. We were barely getting by and same as you I had no money to even get a haircut or extra toys for the kids or anything like that. I didn’t give him the option I told him that I was taking care of the finances because he was being irresponsible and the whole “his money” argument flew out the window when do you guys had kids together. You are not a maid you are not a glorified babysitter. You are this man significant other and the money that comes into the house is shared. I understand he works to earn that money. I understand where he’s coming from. But when he made the decision that the children would I go to daycare that you would have to stay home with them instead of working he made the decision to take on all the responsibilities as far as income of the house. And if he is being irresponsible with his money and it’s causing you guys to barely get by then he doesn’t need to have the responsibility of paying any bills or doing anything anymore. Savings is important. Coming from someone who just bought a brand new car to hit a deer and have it totaled less than a month later. Savings is important.
This isn’t normal. If you were making great money and he had the issue with daycare he should have been the one to stay at home with the kids. He made you be a stay at home parent so he needs to provide for everyone including you. It’s not his money but both of y’all’s money and if he sees it as only his then tell him the kids are going in daycare and you’re getting a job. He can’t have things all his way. That’s got how it works
Your significant other should provide you enough to take care of yourself. I recommend looking into childcare so you can go back to work. If he has a problem, he can watch the kids.
I’m a SAHM, and while it is nice to go out and have “extras” it’s not really a huge deal to me, he makes the money and pays bills I take care of the house and kids then I go to work on the weekends while he’s off. Maybe that could be a solution for you, work on your SOs days off. Having things you NEED is necessary, but having wants (getting hair done, nails done extras random shopping funds) are not needs they are things you just want which Is fine if you can afford them and maybe that’s the case they just aren’t in the budget right now. 
I wouldn’t say that it’s financial abuse because we don’t know the whole situation, and charging him daycare fees to watch your own children is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. They’re your children not just his. If you can’t talk to your SO go to talk to a counselor someone not related to you or his family. Get a job on his days off, babysitting others children maybe options for you to have somewhat of your own income…
That’s crazy. I’m really sorry to hear you are dealing with that. You should start charging him daycare fees. 
I’m mostly a SAHM. My situation is vastly different. My husband’s check is deposited into our account and I handle the bills etc. He actually asks me before he spends large amounts.
At the end of the day you gotta put your foot down and explain to him what you expressed here and let him know things have to change.If not explain to him you are going back to work.He is going to keep this up till you say what you mean & mean what you say.
I used to deal with this but now my hubby keeps $300 for him i get the rest and i pay the bills. Works great for us
Absolutely not selfish. That is very toxic behavior and should be addressed sooner rather than later. We obviously do not know the extent of how your relationship is, but this is not normal. Have a serious sit down conversation about how you’re feeling about the situation and if he doesn’t see an issue then send the kids to daycare and go get you a career baby girl. If he doesn’t like it, he can cough up some of his pay to you.
That’s not normal. If you take care of the house then the bills would fall under that. I would raise hell personally.
sounds like you need to leave your “husband” he’s forcing you to be dependent on him but refusing you to take basic care of yourself. NOT okay. I hope you do what is best for you and your kids.
Go back to work, sounds like he has control issues, so you need to go back to work and earn your own money.
That’s abuse. He shouldn’t control your decisions. If you decided to be a one income household you should work together to budget the income and it should be the household income. Not “his” income. Maybe you can find a work from home opportunity or something that can provide you a cash flow, especially if the current income isn’t enough to meet the needs of the household.
Sounds to me like he’s being selfish. Not you. Mom’s deserve things too.
Well I’m sorry he doesn’t want you to go to work. Get a job and pay for daycare . If he doesn’t want the kids in daycare he can stay home.
You are an equal partner! Don’t forget that!
There is absolutely NOTHING to discuss. You are a grown woman, you wanna work? Work! He doesn’t get to say whether you do or don’t. If it’s such a problem then maybe he needs to be home with the kids. I personally would leave someone like this, extremely controlling and abusive.
Pretty much every comment is confirming why you asked the question…it ain’t ok, it ain’t normal, and it’s time for some changes
That isn’t his money. It’s both of yours. Yeah, he works for it, but you provide him with childcare and run the household so he can do so and not be sending them to daycare. This is not okay.
Nah I don’t get money either, but I know where my kids are and that they are safe so it’s worth the “sacrifice” to be present for them.
Once they are born it’s no longer about just you, not for a long time. It’s part of the gig
My hubby gives me full control of the money since he works… That keeps the balance so it’s not a control over money thing I do all the money… I pay all the bills… I have access to all the accounts… I actually don’t know what he’d do without me handling all the money 
It’d be a pain that’s for sure…
We have a rule on spending we let each other know if it’s over $50 but it’s not asking for permission it’s just communicating so we both aren’t just spending.
My hubby pays everything and gives me 200 every two weeks to have for myself or to buy extra things or take kids out.
Im a SAHM and I don’t know enough to make a good judgement. Does be have extra money or are you bummed because you have no extra anymore. We don’t have tons of extra money and I definitely go without having my hair or nails done but I have the essentials if I needed it like shoes or clothes (I usually don’t buy me anything unless I have too).
Wow sounds like my ex same boat I was in he didn’t even want to buy food for the house I had to call my mom for our daughter’s school clothes. When I did work I was cheating with everyone .my husband now is totally opposite good hard working man and makes sure I got what I need and he never complains and makes me fell bad. I still find myself felling bad if I say I need something. Just because he had a bad experience doesn’t mean the kids will you do you and your kids and if you want to work then do it. Sounds like a controlling type of man to me.
This is abuse. Financial abuse is a thing and the fact that it’s always an argument when she is able to go out and do things screams that he is doing this intentionally to be controlling.
Actually it sounds like he is being controlling over everything and that is not a good sign. Its emotional abuse. Why not leave the kids with ur mom so u can work and get ur own things if she will be willing to help out. Why wont he let u see the finances? Is he hiding something? Your money is his money and he should let u have some. If he doesnt and u are at home needing and wanting things or wanting to go to work, then obviously he has u completely tied down. Thats not right nor fair. And if he isnt listening to how u feel, then hes a jerk.
If he hates childcare so much then he needs to be the one to stay at home with the children. I’m a SAHM and I also don’t see any of the money but not because he doesn’t want to give us any money but because his job barely pays anything and he has loans from way before we had kids to take care of. If he had the extra money yeah I could get my hair done because I pay the price to have to stay home not that I mind it but I would like to make my own money to buy what I want. But long story short leave his sorry butt.
Don’t ever think for a minute your selfish because you are not. You have a somewhat similar issue that I deal with when it comes to my husband and it’s a power and control issue for sure. It’s very difficult you feel very vulnerable and dependent on your significant other because your put in a situation where you can’t be the provider you want to be. I think if you want and able to work and not borrow from your mother some compermise has to happen it can’t just be his way or the highway. Either their needs to be an option for care for your children or he needs to save money so all your basic necessities are met
He is mistaken, that’s not his money it is both of yours. Does he not understand what marriage is? You should both have access to the bank account and you shouldn’t have to ask permission to buy anything.
Sounds like financial abuse. You obviously need some money to get essentials and its not just his money you are staying home not by choice to raise not just yours but his child too he wants to be the bread winner he has to provide for both of you!
100% not normal. It’s at the very least selfish and at the most, abusive. I’m a SAHM to two toddlers, also because we want to keep them out of daycare. My husband handles all of our finances (which is fine, I suck at money) but I have a separate bank account that I keep a few hundred bucks in for the things you mentioned. Having my hair done, buying clothes that I need, or even grabbing lunch with a girlfriend.
Making you depend on him like that isn’t right and you’re not a better mother or wife for it. I need space from my family sometimes and since I’m not working, I ONLY get it when I can get out of the house every now and then to do a little something for myself.
If he’s not willing to understand that, look into therapy. If he’s not willing to look into therapy, maybe check out a lawyer
Many people will sit here and tell you it’s abuse. It MAY be but it really depends on your situation. I’ve been home for over a year now. At first we were really broke so he didnt have money for anything extra because Bill’s and food were more important. Now he has a better job and will ask me almost daily if I need anything. If we have extra money that week he will ask if there anything I want. If you know that he has plenty of money and you still cant even get money for essentials then you need to take a hard look at the situation and discuss possible alternatives, like working different shifts or having a family member babysit.
I’m honestly just relieved to see this many SAHM going through similar issues. About to become one in May and I am so nervous for how our financial situation is going to stay on track.
Then he can stay home with the kids if hes the one who doesnt believe in daycare. Go work. It’s not only up to him. No way
He pays everything I dont get any money from him for anything nd he keeps me on a budget for cleaning nd food supplies he keeps money on him incase he wants extras or whatever but me nd kiddos dont get any extra nd I tell him what Bill’s r due when he makes sure they r paid I miss working I’ve been off since january first on medical leave then covid now the company I work for shut down
I am a SAHM and my SO is currently the provider for the entire family but he still makes sure I have my days to splurge on myself when need be…
Find a babysitter whos willing to work with you and go back to work then put them in daycare, theyre your kids and your choice as well. You could also do stay at home work like insurance, theres a group called Symetery Financial Group, LLC. theyre an insurance broker group that work from home due to the pandemic
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I went through the exact same thing with the father of my child. Honey this is where you take the lead as a momma you either sit down with him and let him know household stuff needs finances like food for your babies, toilet paper, toothpaste etc. Either he buys that stuff when you make a list or he gives you money because that’s the right thing to do. As for money for yourself like your hair, extra clothes and going out going to be honest that’s not important you have save that money you would spend on yourself and save it for in case things go south you have enough money to leave along with all your babies and you survive without him. Worked for me and I am a million times happier, I started working and I put my son in a daycare if I were you and maybe that might change his mind, but if not you got the money to spend on your hair, clothes etc. and no one can tell you a thing because that’s your money. I hope things work out for you always lookout for your babies and yourself irresponsible men tend to put themselves first don’t feel bad if you do it for yourself and your babies.
He doesn’t want you to work or to share finances … sounds like he owns you . Only you get to decide if this is what you want out of life .
Thisbis most definetely abuse. It’s his money , not yours and he refuses to let you go back to work, it’s called control. I would get out fast.
Thats not okay. Id just have him add u to the bank account with ur own card. And literally everytime u get groceries or anything hit “yes” to cash back. And I’m sure you’ve explained a 1000 times that its not “his” money. But I’d go over that again.
Maybe opposite shifts? If he’s morning you can do 2nd or 3rd?
Everybody’s really dramatic in “leaving her husband” she could be happy aside from this - I would sit down and talk with him how I feel about the situation or if he continues to be stubborn, I would go ahead and put the kids in day care and pursue a a job & when he or if he retaliates - I would simply point out how being home with little to no money made you feel
It’s not your fault he can’t save money - if he is abusing
you or you are miserable - I suggest counseling - if he continues to refuse - I would go and stay with parents for awhile to see the way he responds - but I would attempt stuff before I say “leave him he’s trash”
Maybe he’s being a dick
And just needs a wake up call - men aren’t the same as women in their thoughts but it isn’t right for him to disrespect you
I’m a SAHM of 3, have been for over a year. My oldest is 11, my middle is 7 and my youngest is 20 days old. My SO is leaving it up to me on when I’d like to go back to work. I get $$ from school and do some work from home. He pays for mostly everything but nothing is “his money” or “my money” it’s ours. We share an account. I want nails done. Done. If we need groceries, they are bought. We wanna take a vacation. No questions asked. You should be able to go out as you please, and deserve better treatment then that. I believe it should be a joint decision on what’s best for your kids and family. Not just his. I promise you my SO would meet Jesus face to face if he ever tried to control me like that. Prayers for you!
Nooooo hunny nooo. My man works and I’m a stay at home mom to 2 soon to be 3 kids, he provides for our kids, himself, me and our household basic needs/bills. If I EVER want or need something he wouldn’t hesitate to make sure I have it. In my own opinion, it sounds like he’s a little selfish with his money 
My husband makes all, 100% of our income. He pays for everything. I never ask to use our money, and he never cares. It’s OUR money. I take care of our kids and the finances. I’ll probably go back to work once we are done having kids and they are in school, but it’s never been an issue for us. Also those are YOUR kids also, it’s NOT just his decision if they go to daycare. I’d tell him your going back to work and they are going to daycare and if he doesn’t like it HE can stay home. 
Men do not support SAHMs. Mom’s support their men by tending to the kids, house, meals, laundry, etc. We need to stop thinking of it as being dependent on our men. Who would they depend on for all of that? If it’s not 50/50, I would exit quickly. Are there any grandparents available to watch the kids?
It’d be one thing if there’s just not the money for it, but if there is money for you to get your hair done here and there, buy yourself new clothes as you need them, or just pamper yourself here and there, he should be giving you money to do so. I’m guessing that’s the case, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be asking, and if that IS the case, it sounds controlling and abusive. It sounds like he is trying to force you to depend on him.
This is not normal behavior. I’ve always been a sahm, which is what we wanted for our children. I take care of the bills and household budget. My husband doesn’t even keep track of anything. If anything, he spends way too much on me. If I want something, he either buys it behind my back or insists I buy it. When he gets paid, he refers to it as our paycheck. I’ve never had to ask for anything. He believes I work harder at home than he does at work.
Stay at home mom for 10 years I had my own atm and credit card.
Not right at all I am find this a control issue
If u don’t want me to work u gonna take care of me if u dont I mean am gonna work and if u don’t like it leave🤷🏾♀️
I am also not a fan of daycare so what we did was work opposite schedules. We couldn’t make it off one income. You should be partners and decide on life decisions together, period! If money is tight with one income then do what you have to do. Sometimes men can be incentive about the inability of providing for the whole family and take it out on others. Doesn’t make it right but it does happen. You should have a say in finances and be allowed to work.
We decided to have me home, can’t afford to not work so got a job at night. I have my babies in the day and hubby deals with them when I go to work. He isn’t controlling like that in the slightest though. Our money, we share, we get what we want and we talk about the things we pay. Hes never been like don’t do this etc.
That is sad. He should provide for your personal needs too especially knowing that you sacrificed everything. Obviously he doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to understand how it is to be a stay at home mom.
My husband doesn’t make much but at least I have the freedom to get what I need.
I’ve been a sahm since oct 2014. It’s never been his money or my money. Its our money for our bills. He works and I do all the bills. He dobt care what I spend money on and vice versa as long as our bills are paid. Anything over 50.00 we talk about it and make sure we can afford it that week.
My husband works and I stay home with our 5 kids and I have a card to our bank and I am the one that makes sure everything is paid for and lists are made for things we need as well as budget and save. If we have spending money then occasionally we will spurge on the kids or ourselves but not often. It’s usually someone’s birthday or a holiday or something and saving is really important to us so we would rather do that then spend it. Now that’s not to say we don’t. He has a racecar he’s building and I like getting random things for the house lol but it is definitely it “his” money. And I don’t think it should be seen that way. Yes he works and I acknowledge that and appreciate it. But we are a team.
He buys me whatever I want but he doesn’t give me money if he does extra gigs at work and makes money outside of his check he’ll give me that but that’s rare. By the way why does only one parent get to choose where the children are cared for. You should have a say in it to you have a career life, dreams, goals, needs… You should be able to decide what path you take careerwise not him
Uhh…nope. it’s not ‘his’ money. It’s the 'family’s" money in that situation. Him not giving you access to finances sounds like financial abuse. Not normal and highly destructive if he can’t manage his spending habits.
Him not dealing with childhood trauma is no reason to cripple you and your career pursuits. Daycares are highly regulated and the potential for abuse is lower. I myself had a horrible daycare experience, bit my kiddo has been fine in them and enjoys going.
My SO is the only one who works but the bank account has both our names and we both have cards. As long as bills are paid, food ia bought and kids are taken care of, I can spend whatever I choose on myself. (I don’t of course) Why don’t you get a night job if dad works days? It’ll be tough but will give you extra money to better your family.
My husband provides everything for the household, including fun or “luxury” items.
While you’re home, maybe work from home if you can, turn a hobby into a hustle, sell unused things around the house for extra cash, or swap rolls for awhile.
Was this never discussed before marriage or before having children? Sounds like some counseling is in order
I just read this to my husband and his response was "a man is supposed to provide for his household in every aspect, especially for his sahm of a wife. That man isn’t a man if he’s able to provide the things she needs and wants and doesn’t.” and I completely agree! That’s not normal, in all actuality, that is a form of domestic abuse believe it or not. If I was you I’d find a baby sitter or put my child in daycare regardless of his opinion. I hate to say it like this, but if hes not taking care of you properly and he’s able to, because it’s different if y’all just can’t afford it, but if he can and he doesn’t, doesn’t seem to me like he plans to be around much longer. Get your independence back and do not allow any man to stop you
I say go back to work and earn your own money. There are daycares that have cameras that you can log to, maybe that could help I’m deciding a daycare or nanny at the house with cameras. It doesn’t seem like he’ll budge or change so it’s honestly up to you.
Uhhhh, hell no lol I’d be giving him 2 options here. Either the money goes into a joint account that you also have access to or kids go to preschool/daycare so you can work and have your own money. To be completely honest I’d throw out the whole man tell him he can start paying you daycare rates if he’s gunna treat you like one.
His money is our money… now I typically have a hard time spending money on myself other than necessities like shampoo and stuff like that just because it personally makes me feel a little guilty. And I always ask prior to buying stuff for myself, not because I HAVE to or he wants me too, but just out of respect since he does bust his butt all day to provide for us.
I am a SAHM. My SO was like this for a while, we sat down and even had a few fights about money. He earns more than me when I was working so he continued his job. Fights about money are bound to happen. We eventually decided that on paydays I pay all the bills and household charges that are due. And we split the remainder of the money 50/50 (minus a couple hundred for work items that he gets reimbursed for but doesn’t use for personal matters) and he always says that the savings are always available if I need anything else, I just let him know what I withdrew and we out it back asap
This is not normal. AT ALL! It’s controlling and toxic. Run, girl!
He’s a controlling a hole ! Run !
This is a form of abuse. Financial abuse is control. He has you under lock and key right now. I would suggest talking to an advocate to find out what your options are and, if you want to save your marriage, counseling.
I’d say his opinion doesn’t matter about childcare if he isn’t going to provide for the ENTIRE household including yourself. I made more than my fiance before the baby. Once my due date neared he put my name on the bank account got me the debit card and told me to do what I needed to do. If I were you I’d sign my kids up for daycare and go back to work if he isn’t willing to take care of his ENTIRE FAMILY
To us it’s our money and it doesn’t matter who brings in what. After all the bills are paid we can buy whatever we want/need. No one gets an allowance or anything like that. You are both adults not children.
Can you all afford for you to live that life style? Or is he just not willing to let you? If so then that seems like some super narcissistic behavior. My husband would never tell me I couldn’t do this or that or splurge. We also have a savings account that has enough in it always for 2-3 months worth of spending and bills. We don’t split this or that or give each other spending money. We have a checking account that we respectfully ask if we are going to make larger or splurging outings. That all seems extremely toxic and unhealthy.
I’d give him a choice either he provides for your needs or you’re going back to work. I stay at home and my guy let’s me get anything I need or want. But I’d definitely tell him off about it.
He owes you a living wage. You work hard too. It sounds very controlling and abusive. You deserve an allowance. If he cant handle that then he needs to let you work.
Find a sitter and go out and get a job. If he desperately wants them to stay home, the he can stay home
What if you make a little extra by watching a couple extra kids? Have a daycare until you are able to go back to work that way you can still have money of your own without having to put your little one in daycare. Depending how much you like kids I guess.
This sounds horribly unhealthy and controlling imo
This is literally my life
This is financial abuse. I have the higher paying job so my husband is home with our daughter (only one car family until yesterday) but I wouldn’t dare say it’s my money. He keeps the house running, he’s helping our daughter with school, I cook but because I love to. It’s our money. He does ask before making certain purchases, but it’s more “Hey is everything paid so I can spend this?” I would never tell him he couldn’t get stuff he needed, much less wanted, because even though I’m working, he is too, just at home.
I have been a SAHM for 12 years. My husband makes the money and I manage it. I make sure all the bills are paid, do the shopping and let him know what we have left for him to “spend”.
Ugh no girl. That’s not normal. That’s narcissistic behavior.
Its called financial abuse. I’m the working parent and once I catch up on the bills he will get some money to get things he wants
That sounds a lot like abuse. He isolated you, and is withholding finances. Personally, I’d go out and get a job. If he doesn’t like it then he stays at home
I think if he’s the one demanding you stay home, I think he should set some money aside for you to do whatever you need to. (Self-care) Even if he is trying to do the “right thing” & save what’s left for emergencies. Also, in case you are unaware, there are LOTS of remote jobs that you can do & by assignment. Meaning, not confined to your desk all day when you need to tend to the children.
Find a sitter set cameras so both of y’all can check on the kids and go provide for yourself and family! This can be considered abuse. I wouldn’t tolerate it… just saying
That’s not a Spouce I bevause I stay at home mom as soon as me and my husband moved in together he let me stay home with my oldest his step son he does not bring home that much money and but Bill’s are pair we always have food and I never go without I’m not the type who goes and gets my hair and nails done honestly never had my nails professionally done but If I want something he gets it or gives me the money for it
I don’t get money given to me but I have access to our family money to buy what we need. If it’s something extra I’ll discuss it with my husband before to make sure we both agree. We decided to get married, have children as a team, me staying at home doesn’t make me less of a person in this journey. He is treating you awful in my opinion.
My husband spends like no tomorrow and before his new job it was hard sometimes but i have full control of the finances and take care of everything.
If he doesn’t want the kids in daycare he can stay home himself. He’s being controlling and abusive
Your husband sounds like a controlling man, on a power trip.
I’d just go to work, if he isnt willing to make sacrifices, why should you! It is emotional and financial abuse.