But based on everything else said there is no way I’d sacrifice financial gain over his “bad experience”. I’d just do it and if he has a problem well tell him to come home and stay with the kids. But guaranteed it will be the worst decision and he will do nothing. Good luck
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You don’t need his permission to go back to work. Stop counting on him
To make it work and do what any mother would do and make it work for herself. Don’t put yourself on hold for a man who is controlling you.
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I don’t want my daughter in day care but I’m the one who has sacrificed my income, I’m in the middle of finding a way to make money working from home though and just started doing day trading ( small income but better than nothing) I’m only starting out with small trades because I’m still learning about it but so far I’ve made $60 in a few days 
this could be an option for you to make a bit of spending money 
SAHM here this is not normal I repeat NOT NORMALL!!! its controlling its your money too.
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I used to work but got laid off a few years ago. Since we got married, we do a budget, have meetings to see where the money goes. Even though he’s the one currently working, we both get the same amount of ‘pocket money’ to buy whatever we want. If we or the lo needs something we budget for it. That way we’re both aware of how the finances are doing. I hope you can talk to him and let him know how you feel. He’s saving money while the kid doesn’t go to daycare, by you doing house chores, etc. If he doesn’t like it then it’s time for you to put the kid in daycare and find a job so you can have ‘your money’ since it’s not fair for you. I hope the best for you lady! You got this. Speak up.
If he doesn’t want your child to go to daycare, then he can sacrifice HIS job
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She is in a situation that will eventually Crash and Burn. I was in the same situation. My SO told me I was worth less than him because what I did as a sahm didn’t have a dollar sign. He locked me out of the bank account then spent that money on himself and whatever women he was running around with. He barely even allowed his children a birthday or Christmas. His abuse ran from psychological and emotional and Financial to finally finding out he had sexually abused the children. Court has been dragging on now for almost 8 months because of covid-19 while my family pays for me to have a lawyer while he has spent over $30,000 out of the account over the past two years since he locked me out of the account. Narcissistic behavior with personality disorders can’t maintain long-term relationship. They are in nature dysfunctional
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Every thing should be ours not just his a marriage is a team effort if its not i would end it he seems controllin
you’re the best one in your row(as usual)!
If you have no access to money in a partnership that is fiancial abuse. Either go back to work and put kids in day care or he shares end of. I wouldn’t put up with that, he may have bad experiences but he is putting that on you and the kids, you need to talk it out or seek assistance of a counsellor to help him understand.
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Oh my…there is solo much to break down here.
The non-conflict answer would be for you to find a family member to babysit…just part time while you get back into the workforce part time. This will serve everyone immediate needs. You’ll have adult conversations…and a little bit of extra money. The child/children will not be in a daycare setting.
The deeper answer…and I don’t know if you will have access to this…your husband would benefit from counselling for his bad childhood experience. I can almost guarantee that this will not be the only instance that he makes arbitrary decisions based on bad history. Speaking of which…it is not his daycare experience that is driving this scenario, it is inability to deal with it 20+ years later.
And my last comment is regarding the no money for extras…what he “hears” is that your think he is poor provider. He is feeling criticized. He might be feeling very sensitive about this.
These are the more gentle, considerate interpretations…
I also have an extremely aggressive, critical analysis…if you are interested. 
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That is called financial abuse!
Most definitely not selfish. Your husband sounds like a prick. Sorry.
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Honestly it took years for us to listen to advice about how to handle Bill’s, however we should have listened sooner, we finally went to a Dave Ramsey financial planning class together and learned to share the bill’s together. It is so much easier when you are making the decisions together . Being a STAHM is never easy you feel like you never leave your house or get out you just need to have good open communication about it without getting heated.
Sounds really controlling to me. Especially the comment about it being his money. I’m at Stay at Home Mom also and my husband works but he when he gets paid he hands me the majority of his check to handle bills and necessities around the house. He keeps a little bit for himself for like gas and stuff like that. I love being able to be home with my kids but I have ALWAYS made my own money. So I’ve been doing DoorDash where I can take my kids with me and still make a little bit of extra money. I’m currently starting my own food delivery service. It may not be much but I NEED to make my own money and this is working for us right now.
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Sorry to say but this is a form of abuse and him being neglectful toward you because if you arent even getting your needs met that’s freakin abuse and neglect on his part when you both have children you make sacrifices to put there needs and wants above your own but you still have to have your needs as a woman and be able to be taken care of to if your sacrificing staying at home I’d put my foot down with him either he stands up do what’s right or go get a job if you want to he is trying to control you I wouldn’t stand for that but he will continue if you allow it
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girl! You better take control of your life stat. I’ve been a SAHM since I was just a girlfriend and he GAVE me access to all of his account. He may work but I “control” the money. He literally do not buy anything without first consulting me (and no, I didn’t choose that. He did.)
THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL! Take control now. Have one last conversation with him. Remain calm. Get your point across. Explan to him this is the last time you will have this conversation with him about this issue and that you expect to see a change from him.
Now if things change, great but let’s face it, it won’t. If he doesn’t change, you move accordingly. Get a job during the day and hire a nanny or put the kids in daycare. Work around his schedule. Work during the weekends.
You can do this. Take your power back!
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Wow. “his money”. If he’s working then you should be getting your money from him! If you want a nice dress, hair dyed, pretty nails whatever, he needs to cough that shit up! Start charging for sex lol. I feel so sorry for people who control the money. Relationships aren’t meant to be like that
This is actually abusive behaviour- a partnership is where two people come to an agreement. If you aren’t happy then it needs to be addressed. If he can’t even entertain an idea of how you’d like to live your life GTFO
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While I was a SAHM I managed the finances. My husband was very against us having a joint bank account before I was a SAHM but I was the one that went grocery shopping and made sure the bills were paid. Normally if it was a larger purchase I would discuss it with him first and he would do the same with me but small purchases we just made as long as bills were paid. I am now back working and we’ve kept a joint account and it works well for us
sounds like he really justs wants to control you. if you don’t want this life start planning a new one.
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Your husband has a legal duty to maintain you. This is abuse.
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If he had such a bad experience he can stay home then.
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My SO wants me to ask if im going to spend money so he knows where its going he gets me what i need but typically no extras which is fine. I never get to leave the house unless we are all going somewhere (that bugs me but its not worth the argument anymore)
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You need to get back to work. It’s not his decision. If he doesn’t want the kids in daycare, why is it you who had to give up your job? Why not him?
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My fiancé gives me complete control of finances. I determine what’s left over and give him most of it since he works. There are times I keep a decent amount of money to do things and he never gets mad at me or argues with me for it.
You gave up a lot to stay home with the kids. It’s not reasonable for him to think you don’t deserve any money at all. Tell him that he can stay home with the kids while you work. Let him know you’ll keep control of finances and he can beg his mom for money. See how he would like it because I’m sure he wouldn’t. You need to definitely speak up to him about it. This isn’t healthy at all. You deserve more.
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My husband works, 70 hour weeks , so I can stay at home. I took a career break! I’m never restricted, we’d both sooner be without ,than see the kids without.The bills get paid and I have his bank card 99% of the time so we can do exactly as we like ( within reason), with whatever is left! If its his choice the children can’t go in childcare then he should be making more of a sacrifice.
If HE doesn’t want the kids go to daycare then HE can stay home while YOU work and do the finances. Otherwise he’s gonna have deal with either staying home or the kids going to daycare. I also feel like this is something that should’ve been discussed before you got married or had kids. But he’s the one with the issues about the kiddos going to daycare so he should be the one sacrificing if he’s so against it. You can also get a babysitter
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Go back to work and tell him either the kids go to a daycare you both are comfortable with, he stays home, or you’ll leave and live your best life with your kids and they’ll go to a daycare of your sole choosing.
Don’t let him mentally and financially abuse you or gaslight you. Eff that guy.
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Definitely not normal. I’m at SAHM and all of our accounts are joint. I can go shopping for me or the kids when I want and don’t have to worry about it. Sounds like he’s a control freak!
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I’m a sahm he pays all the bills and gives me money if I want it usually he gets me what I want so I never have to technically ask but even then there’s always something left over after bills and wants I rather stay home then pay for daycare when I do go back to working we will just work around each others schedules your not being selfish if you want to work do so don’t let him control you!
okay. I am a stay at home mom. I have been for a few years now. Honestly…I handle all of the finances. My husband never even looks to see how much we have, and he never spends his(our) money. He always asks me what can we do this week for spending. We both equally make sacrifices. We both get things we want/need at the same time. There is no back and forth of whose money is whose. Partnership/relationship/marriage…it’s suppose to be equal in everything.
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Why did you have give everything up if it’s him with the daycare issue?
If you split up and you had to go back to work you’d have to put the kids in daycare bet he wouldn’t have as much of an issue if it meant him giving up his job, money and independence
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I never understand the your and my money when in a marriage…your married everything becomes ours when you say I do… Or at least that’s how I see it… I work and pay the mortgage and my husband pays everything else… I don’t have to ask for 5 bucks if I want i just swipe the card lol…so no honey even thou I’m not a sahm I’m telling u what he is doing is bull shit…I’m also a daycare teacher he needs to get over his experience of u want to work this is 2020 and if u want to work u should be able to… Be needs to come to terms with a lot…Cudos v to u for dealing or trying to bc I would loose my shit on him
Tell that selfish bastard to be the stay at home parent then… gonna earn your own money and show him how it feels.
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I’m a SAHM my partner works he takes what he needs for travel and lunch each week and hands the rest over to me I pay bills etc and the rest goes into an account which is accessible to us both we are both sensible with me money but he always says as long as we can afford it do what you like with it xx
I work as a server, he is a Utility worker doing pipework, lift stations etc so varrying weeks and hours… (he never works less than 50 a week), we are comfortable for the most part BUT lkke you i can relate in a way.
I am the financer in the house, he sucks at money and i kinda do tooo but our bills are always paid, we always have food and our extra needs for us (Me, SD4, our 16 m old and Him)…
He cashes his check and it goes right to me. From there I take our weekly bill money out and whatever is left we get our household needs and whatever else. I was a SAHM up.until a month ago for 1 year and it drove me crazy not having a sense of independence. Head up ma !
It’s not normal for someone to basically control you with money. My SO and I will argue over me getting my hair done (not cut) and my nails done because he thinks its ridiculous but I out my foot down because I need something to make me feel pretty and like a woman not just a mom. If you feel controlled you are likely 100% being controlled. That is not ok and you should talk to him before it ruins your relationship. If you guys break up you will have to put them in daycare so you can work… so it’s in his best interest to compromise. It’s an awful feeling to feel stuck like that I completely understand. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
Do some research on financial abuse in marriages.
You’re not being selfish. You’re being controlled. Straighten your backbone and take back control of your life. Don’t let anyone"steamroller" you. 
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That’s not normal at all. That sounds borderline financial abuse. He doesn’t have money but he also won’t “let” you get a job? No no no. He wants you home so he can control you (why going out always causes a fight) and he can control the money and the kids and you with that money.
If we have it, he gives it to me if I ask. If I need to go to Walmart for shampoo, I just go. I have my own card that’s connected to one of his accounts so I swipe it when I need something. I do all shopping for our household. Not sure when the last time was that he went out and shopped for himself for something he needed. I take care of all of that and the house and kids and he goes to work and pays the bills. It works for us!
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You’re in an abusive relationship. It sounds like you’re going to have to start working again to get out of there. Try to locate organizations in your area that may be able to assist you. Hugs, mama. 
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Loads of bullcrap. Let him stay at home and take care of the kids if he don’t want to send them to daycare
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You tell your husband that you can find an in home daycare if he prefers but you’re going back to work. You tell him it’s financially abusive for him to not want you to work. Go back to work and do what’s best for you! I was never a SAHM either. I enjoy working!
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Financial abuse is real.
Ummm you leave him and do what makes you SECURE. It’s not “his” money when it is needed to provide for you and your kids. If he’s not saving, he’s inherently setting you up for failure down the line. This happened to me for the first year of my daughters life, made sense for my ex to work because I nursed and they were making a lot more than I would’ve. But they never saved, never had extra money, and we were living paycheck to paycheck when we absolutely didn’t need to. I got fed up, got my daughter into daycare and got a job (I’m a worker). If he’s not willing to set up and secure the future for you all, why is it fair for him to make such a huge decision? Also, the “my money” shit is childish, ignorant, and selfish.
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He is controlling you with the kids and money. RUN
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Sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to be able to control you
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Mental abuse he ain’t being very nice hope your ok
SAHM here due to COVID(I worked part time making great money before coronavirus) I am the main caretaker for the children so I can’t go back to work right now, until we can say for certain schools will stay open
This is absolutely NOT normal or ok, that’s abuse
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Um my husband will give me any money I ask for. Unless it’s for my own 1 personal thing then NO. he says he dosent work to support that which I already knew. But anything else yes. I’m not one to get my hair or nails done but if I need cloths or shoes or makeup he gives me the money or his debit. We try to stick to money tho because he knows if I take the debit I spend whatever the fuck I want 
Oh hell no! This is a control tactic and something i would divorce my husband over. And i told him exactly that when i went to become a STAHM. Because i have always worked and had what I needed. My husband puts money into my account just so i have spending money the same way he does. The bills are paid first, then some in savings, then what the kids need is bought, then we both spilt what is left over. If he refused i would put the kids in daycare and go back to work because i have needs too!! He wouldn’t get a choice
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That’s control. Run! 
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I was in a similar situation with my husband about a year ago, only he does make enough money to support us and my needs, we have financial goals we want to achieve like paying off our house we are currently outgrown to rent out and buy another bigger home. I decided I needed to make an income while staying at home with our kids. I got certified and licensed by my state to open a in home daycare out of our 890 square ft home. By this summer I will have 5 kids and will be making 480.00 a week. Definitely enough spending money for us to have fun with while still reaching our goals. It’s NOT ok he says its HIS Money!!! He is a supporter now, including of YOU! He needs to grow up and realize what he is doing is not helping or is realistic!! Good luck to you!!
I would be leaving, what kind of life is that to be what a mom and a maid?? I love my kids and I’m sure you love yours but we are more than just moms we deserve to have things and do things that we enjoy. I’m a SAHM too I babysit another child to help bring in money so I can stay home with the kiddos by choice. But it seems maybe he needs to stay home since it’s his problem, it’s not fair it’s being passed to you and now your suffering from it too?? He should stay home and get 0 dollars to do anything he wants/needs.
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sounds like he is using finances to control your life
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No, it is not “his” money, especially if he is the reason you are not working. He is the selfish one here, and sounds really controlling.
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Id reverse it on him. Secure a job. Find a fabulous daycare ( i paid anywhere from 1200-600) until she went to preschool but I knew she was safe and learning sometimes we pay the price. Anf start working. Dont give him any of your money. Also if he doesn’t want them going still, tell him he can stay home and then do the same thing to him he did to you. This def looks like his way of controlling you. You don’t feel right about this because its not right.
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For the first year and 7 months of my childs life I was a sahm, her dad gave me 25% of his check
Not normal. He’s being abusive. I’m a sahm and I handle the money. Makes more sense for the person whose actually cooking and taking care of the house and children to know what kind of a budget you need to run the house I think. But even if he doesn’t want to let you handle all the money you need to be able to take care of yourself
That’s not normal SAHM stuff. We share a bank account and always have. I have complete access to our account. When I quit working we had to make sacrifices but needs are always covered.
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This is called financial abuse. Get out.
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We have a joint account (which is the only one I use really mainly.because my husband is better with budgeting) and he would put money in there when we need something. From that if I budget right I use things for entertainment and whatnot. But never asked for anything crazy. A few dollars for lunch out or an indoor playground or something. When I work I put all my check in the joint account and my husband takes what is needed for bills. (If he just tells me I get anxious about it and worry ill spend. It lol so he just transfers it on his own) and we also do the communication if we get something over a certain amount just so the other doesn’t wonder where the money went
I’d give him a damn ear full.
If he wants you to stay home he needs to make sure you have some pocket cash or “fun money” for yourself and the children. I’m not one to judge off such little information but it sounds as if he just wants to control you. If you want to go out it shouldn’t be an argument. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. I would have a conversation about it with him and take it from there. If he doesn’t want to give you money for yourself and doesn’t want the children in daycare then maybe he needs to be a stay at home Dad. You guys have children together… it should be considered “OUR” money!
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These posts always make me so upset. I stay home and my bf works. It’s our absolute ONLY income and he would never withhold money for me for anything I need or want. We share a bank account that’s where his checks go and we each have a card to the account. If one parent is staying home to care for children they should never have to go without because the other parent is too selfish to grow up and learn to “share”
I also go spend like crazy… like my hair and eyebrows really need attention but that’s on me just being lazy 
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Nope nope nope. This is TOXIC behaviour. There is NO “mine” in marriage. If you want to work, you work. If it’s “his money” you’re entitled to your money, too. This is called FINANCIAL CONTROL and IS A FORM. OF. ABUSE.
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Nope he’s being selfish. This is abuse! You need to get back to work. Make plans with a family member or friend fir childcare or he just has to suck it up and you take those kids to a childcare center. They will be fine.
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I was in this situation. I left. It never got any better.
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Sounds to me like an control issue. He controls you through money. Your number one mistake is acting like a cave woman and taking it. You should be equals in your relationship. That money isn’t just his it’s the families money. The sooner you speak up and tell him this the sooner you can find out if you even have a relationship. You can find decent daycare if you take your time and check. So if you’re husband tells you it’s his money tell him you have no option but to work and make your own because you deserve having money. If your scared to tell him then I think you’ve got other problems.
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I chose to stay at home, and I really do love it. It’s what I’ve always wanted and I love every second of it. But I do have some similar financial issues. I can almost never go out or get things I would like (like new much needed clothes or hair cuts). But this has been entirely my choice. Things are tight, especially the way lockdown has affected my husband’s business. He doesn’t get things for himself either. And when it comes to budgeting, he always puts our needs first as far as he can.
Your situation sounds unfair and possibly abusive. It seems staying home hasn’t been your choice at all if I understand correctly. Which I feel is in itself a problem. You need to do what makes you happy. You deserve to be fulfilled. If your children staying at home is really that important to him, he should be the one to stay home.
Definitely not normal I was a sahm for a little over a year and it’s not his money it’s the families money. You are both grown sit down and have a grown talk about your financial issues before you start having resentment towards him.
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I would leave him. He sounds super controlling and toxic! I get 200 to go out every 2 months and get my hair done. Some mommy pampering time. And if theres some books i want he will buy them for me. My husband knows i put a lot of work into keeping a clean house and take good care of our daughter.
I understand hes your husband BUT hes not your boss, God, mom or dad so he should not have control like that over what so ever. Go get that job send the kids to daycare and free yourself. If he wants to stay home with the kids more power to him but its times to take your power back.
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Um yeah no! Thats abusive and controlling. My husband is the only one working and I’m a sahm by choice because I dont trust a soul with my kids especially my little ones. But that’s our money! You either need to lay it out for him or leave! Because that’s not okay for him to be that way!
Same boat stay at home mom for 6 years I baby sat for a year and that was the only way i was able to buy anything for myself or my kids that he didn’t want to buy. Which was basically anything besides food and toiletries. Most clothes I’ve had to get for free or around holidays and Birthdays. He always is spending money on himself though. Clothes, quads, shoes, gaming laptops, cell phones, computers, ps4 etc! He never saves money. He does buy the kids toys and electronics like crazy because that’s how he shows them he loves them! Which I dont agree with! Then after 2 of my kids were in school my mom and his mom started taking turns watching my youngest 2. I had to pay for most of daycare. He paid his mom half and I paid the other have and I paid my mom. Not much mostly gas money because my mom had to drive and hour one way.
He wouldn’t even buy me clothes when I stayed home to raise kids for 6 years.
My sister and parents bought me clothes for my birthday and Christmas one year because I wore the same thing constantly.
I now have a little money saved aside and have been staying st home again due to covid and my work shutting down all but 4 hours a day.
He is pissy with me because I wont give him my money to buy himself another quad! Mind you he already has 3 quads!!! I dont even have 1! I lent him $500 to buy a "work computer " he ended up using it for 5 months then giving it to me which I don’t need because he wanted a $1700 gaming laptop computer.
So for rant but yes I very much feel this!!!
That’s abusive and controlling. LEAVE before it gets worse.
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No I’m a stay at home mom of 8 years when we got together he got me my own debit card thru his bank every single Friday he deposits money it for me to buy me my own stuff or if the kids needs something but I always have money because it both of ours because we are a relationship period of he don’t give you nun it’s abuse girl
Tell him a judge won’t think it’s “his money” when you divorce his ass child support isn’t cheap and in this case you would probably get spousal support too. Educate him on it
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It’s both your money he needs to get off his high horse. If he don’t like it then he can stay home with the kids. My husband and I just had two more kids and I told him we in this together. I do day shift and work and he found a job for night shift. So we both work and bring in money. We both take care of the babies. Also with the help of our older children we make it work. I hope you two can make it work!!!
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I get full access to both of our money. What’s mine is his. Sounds like your SO is controlling. Hire a baby sitter… idk figure something out. If he loves you then he’ll listen to you.
F that shit, get out and move on
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It’s really sad that some women allow their husbands to think they are the only ones that have to sacrifice… as PARENTS AND A FAMILY that’s ALL of your money. Mom isn’t the only one that has to make sacrifices and you shouldn’t even have to ASK for money to treat yourself every so often… I woulda left his ass long time ago. Stop allowing these “men” to control your lives
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Id say buh bye! Especially if you want to work and can’t because he won’t let you because no daycare. That’s abusive and controlling, and sounds like maybe he needs a good therapist
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Can you find a job where you can work from home? Or does your husband have a set work schedule? Maybe you can look for a job that is opposite his schedule so there is always someone at home with the kids, like Amazon or Walmart stalking or something like that?
Sounds like he has total control and you’re hostage.
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i am pretty much in the same boat as you. staying home with the babies. irresponsible SO.
… however, i was a single mom before so im not afraid to return to it. i was doing better off then rather than now by a long shot… i had savings building up in the 5 digits (10,000+) and i penny pinched every way i turned because, im addicted to stretching my money as far as i possibly can.
& i was on the road to improving my credit and buying my own damn house. … biggest mistake I’ve ever made was trusting someone, to much.
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I have to ask and most of the time it’s no.
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My FIRST husband did that type of stuff. Its abusive in my opinion. Makes you 100% reliant on him.
I’ve been a SAHM for almost 19 years. For the last 10. and in a new marriage, I control the finances. He just deposits his check, and I make sure he can Golf e his dad once a month.
Our budget is tight so there aren’t A LOT of extras, but you shouldn’t have to borrow money from your mom .
If he wants to be an alpha Male he has to provide like one and that means MORE THAN enough money for your hair.
I’d get a credit card and hand him the bill.
It’s a form of control… a relationship is a partnership…you both need to have a say things…Go back to work the kids will be fine they need the interaction with other children besides their siblings.
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Leave…my husband allows for spending since he knows im home with the kids all day…this is about him having control over you entirely…he might say watch the account but not once took my card
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All of our stuff has been joint since day one. What you’re describing is not normal - it is financial abuse and you need to seriously consider your options.
If you have a problem with it then tell him and tell him he can move out
Sounds like domestic entrapment.
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