Do I have a right to be mad that my boyfriend went to a bar where someone he slept with is the bartender?

What would you do if your boyfriend went to the bar where someone he used to sleep with is bartending? This person has blocked me on all social media, which I only know because we have mutual friends who tag her, and her name is black and not blue like it would be if you tag someone. She was very angry that he had gotten with me. From what he told me, they were just sleeping together, but it seems like it’s more or she wanted more by how she acts. And I have no hard feelings towards her. I’ve never spoken to her. They used to live by each other, so I’ve seen her, but that’s it. So would you be angry if your boyfriend went to that bar knowing what nights she works there and still went on her night? There are so many bars around; am I being unreasonable for being upset?

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This is a totally dumb thing to worry about. Simply having contact with a former lover is not a reason for jealousy, let alone an actual betrayal. It would not even occur to me to be upset my husband was at a bar where one of his former lovers worked, nor would it occur to him either. As gay men, our circles of friends often include past flings we no longer have any attachment to, if there ever was any attachment at all. He has told you that this relationship was never anything but sex for him even then.

If he loves you and trusts you, he probably never even thought about your potential jealousy. This is wholly about you and your insecurities. If you do not work through them, and continue to see betrayal in harmless interactions, you will eventually destroy your relationship. Also, don’t listen to any of the people telling you otherwise. 20 years in a happy relationship tells me that a relationship without trust is not healthy. The people who are rushing to judgment probably have series of unsuccessful relationships of their own rooted in their own paranoid inability to trust and love.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do I have a right to be mad that my boyfriend went to a bar where someone he slept with is the bartender?

There is literally a bar on every corner in Montana. I don’t know where you are located, but in my eyes, this would piss me off.

You said you have no hard feelings towards her, you trust your boyfriend. So the question is why even be upset.

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If you have no hard feelings and you trust your boyfriend why would you be upset?

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Sounds like you got the Wrong bfriend

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Go to that bar and see what’s going on :woman_shrugging:t2: Go have a talk with the chick if it would make you feel better.
But think, If he was in your shoes would he feel the same?

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He obviously went there to see her. So the only question to your boyfriend is “why?” And proceed from there.

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he went there on purpose . it wasnt an accidental meeting . i wouldnt trust either one of them

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no it would not be alright

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Livid is the word! And I’m not sure he would be my boyfriend anymore just for that!! He went there to see her.

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Why not just go with him, problem solved, or tell him you’re not comfortable with him going there :sparkles:communicate :sparkles:

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Personally I trust my boyfriend and his past is in the past. Were friends with one of his ex girlfriends and her husband.

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I would be looking for a new boyfriend.

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He went there to see her. Period. Lose the dude… super red flag, and inconsiderate of him. And it’s super sketchy that she has you blocked. Drama ahead if you stay with him.

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He still is seeing her

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It sounds like he went to see her. I would bust up in there

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If he is still with you why would you care Don’t look for trouble

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No, if you can’t trust him, you don’t have a relationship

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Yes you are being unreasonable. Did he go alone or did he go with friends? So is he supposed to manage his life around avoiding people that make you uncomfortable?

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If you trust him it shouldn’t be an issue

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There are other bars to go to!!!

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Any time someone you are dating or married to does something they know specifically hurts and upsets you, understand they do not respect you. Leave him alone.

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Walk in and confront them

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I just really don’t understand how anyone could view this as appropriate behavior. It’s just disrespectful imo and feel it oversteps the boundaries of a (monogamous) relationship. Rules are different for each relationship and there are more types than monogamy, but I thought this was an “unspoken rule” for monogamous couples.

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He knew what he was doing

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He’s trying to rekindle, that’s if they aren’t already.

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I wouldn’t allow that

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Yes you have a right to be upset.

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So you wouldn’t go to church if your ex is a member of that church :thinking:

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He went there to see her.There enty of other bars he can go to.I doubt he would be livid if it was you doing it.I would go talk to her and see if she even knows of you.If he gets mad then oh well gives you even more of a reason to be suspicious.I would talk to her and if she didn’t know about you or if something shady going on even if he’s just talking to her I would cut him off and move on.Why continue something when he’s giving you reasons to not trust him.

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Pity pity …tell the whole story…did he know she work there? So what did he go just because she worked there? Im sure you been in a store at some point with somebody you been with. Get over yourself

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I’ll respond the way I did in the other group. Why are you with him if you don’t trust him?

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My ex’s family owned a bar and he had slept with bartenders and patrons alike. I am not a jealous or insecure person but this made me angry. I would say if you feel this way. Express to him and either go to the bar with him or set some boundaries. Good luck

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I have trusted my spouse for 30 years and 14 of it with this disorder. I have insecurities because of this disorder but not because of him. The questions, does he love you, does he spend the majority of his time with you, do you have a quality relationship? If you said yes then just talk to him. He will most likely relate heart to heart. If not, let him go. The stress of not knowing will hurt you more than a break up.

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So why is he going to the bar without you in the first place?

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How’d you learn that he went? And that she was working that night?

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I’ve gone to a bar that an ex “friend” worked at,while with a new man🤷
I liked the bar.
BUT my Mr had no issue. Cuz he knew I was solid. Hell I didn’t even talk to old friend while there.
But I went there cuz I new the people and loved the atmosphere. Wasn’t gonna give that up just cuz a friendship had been cancelled…
He didn’t want to be with her. He’s proved that. Sleep with her, fine, but BE WITH…nope. otherwise when messing with her, he’d have decided to be with her. He didn’t.
He’s with you.
Do you trust him?
If that’s a no…bounce.
If you have no trust, you got nothing.
My Mr could go where ALL his ex friends and gfs were…and I’d be like “say hi and tough luck from me!” Cuz I KNOW he’s mine and wouldn’t dare do anything to chance me leaving. He’s proven that. So I trust him 100%, in all aspects.
If I didn’t…I wouldn’t be with him.🤷

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Um nothing she says or does matters. It’s literally all down to whether you trust him or not. I have exes that I am still really good friends with :woman_shrugging:t4:

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Ok, he went there…and what? Texted her later or used her for free drinks??
Just bc he went… It’s not like he hid it.

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You have the right to feel however you feel, no matter what happened. they’re your feelings.

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are the monogamous ok?

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The question shouldn’t be validated by others… You should ask yourself the most important question “can I trust him” if the answer is no, then y’all have some things to work out or y’all have some walking away to do. Because without trust, you have no foundation.

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Some of you women on here are extremely paranoid! If I kept my man from going every place someone from his past might be, I may as well keep him prisoner in our home! Don’t project your insecurities into your relationship.

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I’d be upset but I’d also be happy he probably saved us some money cuz she wasn’t charging full price more than likely.

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I wouldn’t be mad at all
Exs are for a reason & clearly I’m the person he choose to be with.
I can be petty though and smile at her and maybe occasionally wave, to show her I exist. Now if he’s flirting
Or
Messaging her. Than totally different, he wouldn’t be aloud there without me lol

It’s just all about trust honestly and if u can’t trust them behind your back then idk. I’m friends with all my ex’s. And some guys don’t like that, but some mature men like it because that means you know what you want and don’t
Ex’s literally don’t work out for a reason. Love is easy not hard :heart:

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Did he go alone? To just sit at the bar? Idk. Maybe they needed closure? Could really be nothing

Maybe he’s getting a discount on his drinks

No youre not being unreasonable; you’re not naive.
From this standpoint, he either may not be doing anything with her, but there is reason to believe he may be doing something.

You know him the best out of anyone here, I would trust your judgment on this one. None of us know him personally, so some of us are speaking from a mind frame of own personal experiences - which may not apply to your situation.

Personally, id consider myself inconsiderate and/or disprectful to go to a bar only on nights that a previous partner worked. Especially since previous partner has a grudge against you.

Thats not right at all.

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If you have no hard feelings towards her then why would you be angry with him about going to that bar. Maybe he’s just showing her she doesn’t have a chance with him because he keeps showing you off to her. Let sleeping dogs lye. Don’t cause trouble where there isn’t any.

He should be respecting your boundaries. I agree with you on this post. Especially if there’s lots of other bars around. I’d get pissed if my man did that to me and there’s only the two bars :joy:

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Sounds like.he has no interest in her. Let it go

If you have to worry about what hes doing i think id let him go and be with someone i dont have to worry about what hes doing.
A man who loves and values you wouldnt want you to have to worry

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You’re being unreasonable.

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No I’d be pissed also

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If your bf is intentionally going on the same nights she works, it seems to me that you need a new bf.

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Well maybe he gets discounts…and she is working so you know he wasnt hooking up with her… she sounds like she is jealous of you… sounds like this chick wanted more and he didnt and she has an issue i wouldnt worry about it and just trust your man… the lack of trust will cause more issues if he wanted more she would have been a gf and not a booty call

They are obviously not from a small town lol.

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Well he went on day he knows she works that in itself says something

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I neutered my dog he stays home real good try that

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Honestly, if I got upset every time my bf went somewhere there was someone he slept with, I’d be pissed all the effing time. It really does sound like she has more insecurities than you do by blocking you, etc. if he came home to you and was transparent in his interactions at the bar, then I would just take that as a good sign:)

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Apparently he still has feelings for her or he wouldn’t go to her place of work without you, and if he’s over her why go back​:interrobang: I would kick his butt to the curb in the next heart beat​:bangbang::orange_heart::heart::orange_heart::grin:

I would not be with someone I couldn’t trust. Why are you not there with him.

Not necessarily but I would make it a point to go to the bar as well.

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He is still tapping that

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No. Because I trust my boyfriend.

If you’re that worried go to the bar with him one night, even talk to the girl or at least be civil. It’s hard to tell you what to do as I don’t know any of you but if you’re bf treats you well and you don’t have any complaint except for this I would say you are fishing for issues.

You either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t, You shouldn’t be with him.

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Girl show up next time you will know your answer

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If he’s not willing to respect you enough to stay clear from this girl then you need to get rid. Doesn’t respect you at all

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IDK all I know is that this exact situation happened to me a few weeks ago, and it lead to him cheating on me.

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Here is a little rule for you to live by … if you dont want to be questioned, dont put yourself in situations that cause questioning !!!. Yes I would ask him about it , if he gets all up in your face and defensive you know something is up !!!

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He wouldn’t be my bf anymore

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He wanted to see her or he would have gone to another bar. Very disrespectful if you ask me

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Sounds like you need to address your insecurities to me. My ex fiance and 2 long term friend with benefits are my best friends. Sexual attraction and emotional attraction are not related. If someone I was dating wasn’t comfortable with those relationships, we couldn’t be together. I know everyone is different, but I’ve known 2 of them for more than 10 years and the other for 2, the guy I’ve been dating for less than a year won’t take those friendships from me. That’s controlling and abusive in my opinion. If you trust your partner, you have nothing to worry about. If you don’t. You have more to worry about then the bar they went to or who they’re friends with.

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Is he still keen on going of you are with him, or is this a solo venture

Some of y’all some dumb as hell. :woman_facepalming:t4: you sound childish

Boils down to if you can trust him. Has nothing to do with her.

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Or how about your boyfriend going to Lunch With his Ex and not telling me about it then says well i didnt say anything becauae I knew it would come to this(Meaning) me asking him why he felt he shouldnt have told me or even better why the hell did you go to begin with 🤦🤦🤦🤦

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Do you trust him? If you do, then why worry about it? If you doubt anything, just show up there unannounced some night. You’ll have your answer :woman_shrugging:

Totally disrespecting to you - I would get rid of him :-1::-1:

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You don’t trust him?

I’m queen petty over here.
I’d be mad. Especially if he went alone. Like you said. There’s more bars.

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Oh I’d be showing up in my Sunday best. Hell I would need a drink at that point and no one better to serve me

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Normally, I wouldn’t be bothered by it. But in this situation I wouldn’t like it. She is clearly upset that he’s with you therefore she still has feelings for him. I’m not sure why he would feel the need to go to the one place she will be on the night she’s working, other than to bring up old feelings. If it were me I wouldn’t go anywhere near the bar where my ex works if I’m in a relationship. It’s just a respect thing.

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It all depends. Does he give you reason not to trust him? If he hasn’t ever done anything to make you think you should worry, then you might be overthinking it. He could be there and not even be around her but maybe ask if you could go with sometime? If he is very against you going then I’d say you have your answer

Did he go alone or did his friend group decide they were going to this bar so he went? If his group of friends went to a bar this girl works at I don’t see the issue. If your boyfriend went to this bar alone then maybe…but even then you either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t he has likely already given you a reason not to trust him. Relationships take trust and if you don’t have that then why be in a relationship

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Wow, it’s obvious he doesn’t care and that he wants her.

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Leave him he knew and he didnt care .

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You either trust him or you don’t. If you trust him then there is no issue. If you don’t then why are you with him??

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I don’t know with this question because it could go either way like it totally depends on your boyfriend it depends on the girl herself like every guy’s different is what I’m getting at and some guys you can trust to go to the bar with their ex-girlfriend there and some guys you can’t it also depends on the state of your relationship right now like how are other things going are there any red flags lately that weren’t there before I mean there’s a lot more to this than just him going to a bar where his ex-girlfriend works that we would need to know to say whether or not it sounded fishy or not

Honestly you do not have a right to be mad. He has exs so do you… would you stop going to Walmart if your ex worked there or Target or going to the dentist you went to your entire life if your ex started to work there? If she was naked dancing on a pole maybe then it would be an issue but I do not see this being an issue. He obviously choose you over her from what you say so let it go or ask to go out with him :woman_shrugging:.

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Maybe his friends like that particular bar. If you can’t trust him I guess you have a problem. How often does he go to that bar? Was he by himself when he went? Just because she works there doesn’t mean they hooked up.

Go with him.
Don’t ask…just be like “yeah I could use a night out too…I think we should get there by 7:00”
You take control.
If he doesn’t like that, and insists that you do not go to
That bar with him…red flag.

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Haha well, my ex was going to a bar where not only had he left me for and slept with the bartender but he had also left me for and slept with another patron of the bar. He swore up and down nothing was gonna happen. Well I hope you noticed I said EX Bc he left me for the bartender AGAIN.

You have every right to be upset. If he truly cared about you and your feelings, he wouldn’t put you in that uncomfortable position. It wouldn’t even be a question of him going there at all, ever…
It’s really as simple as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Would he be okay with it, if that were you going to the bar where your ex lover bartends? :thinking:

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Lmao :rofl:
This is the definition of unreasonable
Could you imagine him getting upset every time you go to the grocery store because your ex works there?

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Are you mad cause you wasn’t invited? If you’re that bothered about. Show up there…

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