Am I overreacting? My sons father and I have not been together for 2 years. He’s not a bad parent, he just likes to pick and choose when he wants to be a parent when it’s convenient for him. He has a girlfriend of 5 months. We live in a small town of less than 2000 people and she has a reputation of using drugs. I have made it very clear to him that I do not want our son around her. He lied to my face and told me that she would not be going to Christmas. I found out that she was indeed at Christmas. Am I overreacting for being upset with him?!
You can be upset, but what I learned was you cannot control what the other parent does when you are not around.
It is hard, but you can’t.
I still can’t accept it and it’s been 6 years.
Give it time, they probably won’t last.
It sucks but unfortunately we can’t control what he does w his personal life even tho I understand its important to know who is around your child at all times. Im going through a similar situation where dad has already introduced gf of less than 6m to our daughter without even letting me know. Unless your baby comes home different or w bruises there’s not much you can do or say…save yourself the stress & trust he’ll be a good father.
Sorry to say this as I’ve been in the same situation before but… You can not and will not control who is in his home. How would you feel if he gave you the same restrictions because of a reputation of someone? Which in most cases especially in a small town is mostly hearsay. But as long as your child is safe then you have zero say. Just gotta keep your head up and be mindful is all
If she’s not high or using around your kid then there should not be a problem with it you cannot control your ex’s life just because you have a kid like you said he’s not a bad parent so I’m pretty sure he’s not going to actually let her around y’all’s child while she’s using or high
You have every right to be upset because everyone is entitled to their feelings. However, you don’t have the right to tell the other parent who they are and aren’t allowed to have around the child. He isn’t allowed to tell you that he doesn’t want you having a man around so you aren’t allowed to tell him he can’t have a woman around. She might have a bad reputation, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she is dangerous to your children. If you don’t want her around or believe she’s a danger, then take it to court.
Yes u have every right to be upset… I would stop your ex access knowing that u know his new GF of her addict better to have proof than just hearsay… You will need a, good family law solicitor to help with u this. Your son safety is paramount, x
I was in the same situation once except it was his friend, not his girlfriend. He came out of town for visitation so he used it as an excuse to use his friends place for visits and i took it to court and he was banned from knowingly being around him during his visits with my kid.
I would tell him if it happens again you will go for supervised visitation . Honestly a clean person doesn’t just start dating someone who’s using. She may not be the only one using .
Without actual proof that she’s currently using, no don’t be upset. If the dad is actually a good parent and not an addict himself, you gotta trust he’s making good choices for your child and wants what’s best for them.
Rumors in a small town are half lies and the other half isn’t even true
Is she a drug addict? You want him to pick and choose your significant others for you? Its controlling behavior and you can’t control them. The only control thats healthy is if there is any reason such as drugs, child endangerment, sexual abuse, etc… if you suspect any of that you have to go through to proper channels and try to get temporary immediate primary custody. You can turn him into cps and perhaps they will have him do drug tests and do supervised visitations. Please don’t be upset. That won’t help anything. What will help is being proactive and protecting your child if there is a need.
You can’t control what the other parent does. Yes it would be nice to have a good co parenting relationship where the other parent would take into consideration how you feel but that’s not always the case. Unless you have proof of drug use I’m not sure there is much you can do. If you have full custody you can certainly dictate things but if he takes you to court you will need more then I heard she has a reputation.
Everyone’s got something to say about me in my small town. I haven’t heard a true version yet lol
Im not being funny but if he was a good dad he wouldn’t be with someone who takes drugs and allows her to be around his child. Just my opinion.
A reputation go find out for yourself before you tar someones name ask her get to know her awful thing to say if youv never spoken with her yourself
I wanna know what drugs she’s supposedly on though… maybe she’s just a pot head. That’s a kind of person I’m generally okay with, but I wouldn’t want a tweaker(like a meth or crack addict) around my kids.
No. You’re protection your child. But meet her and see how that goes. As long as she is good to the kid and doesn’t do drugs and respect you. But everyone ia different. Go with your gut. No one will protect your baby like you.
As a mom who has dealt with this exact scenario I won’t say you are over reacting. I have a parent myself that is in active addiction and has been for all of my life, the actual question is whether or not her presence poses a threat to your child’s immediate wellbeing. It sounds like perhaps he’s not all that active in your child’s life so if it’s a rare occurrence and other family members are present with no immediate threat. I wouldn’t make too many waves. First find out for sure, people talk and that doesn’t mean that what they are saying about her is true. However if it is, you absolutely have a right and responsibility to protect your children, and keeping them away from people under the influence of drugs falls into that category. So if you have concrete evidence she is in fact on drugs and is around your child while intoxicated, you raise all the hell you need to, to make sure your baby is safe!
I let my alcoholic husband have visitation until he did something to prove him untrustworthy …fell asleep in the theater when he took them to the movies. That was it. Supervised visits at my house. He only came once. RIP
As someone who was in this position. And one who flipped out and caused unnecessary drama. Just let it go. My daughter absolutely adores her dads girlfriend regardless of his girlfriend past. She loves my daughter. Treats her well. Supports her whenever she can. Helps me when i need. I judged her alot before knowing her. I called her awful names. And i 100% regret it. I recommend meeting her yourself before judging her.
Being a recovering addict myself I would ask is the person an immediate threat to child? If not than personal choices has nothing to do with you. For example me drugs were never done with children present nor did I ask people to take my children while using. Now if she’s using and it’s harming your child than sure take action as needed
Unf you can’t control what he does when the child is with him.
If he is having a know drug user around your child, I would involve social services and also take it court.
I would be upset if my kid or kids was around someone who could possibly be using drugs or is using. You can’t control who he dates or have around true enough but you can control who’s around your kids and you two definitely need to discuss who’s around and what influence they bring on the kids. I would want to sit and talk with him and his girlfriend and ask questions if you aren’t satisfied take him to court definitely.
Firstly, you have a right to feel whatever you feel. Emotions are important and so is acknowledging them.
Secondly, he lied. He lied regarding your child. I’d be pissed.
All in all, there is not much that can be done as he has a right to have his girlfriend over. I wouldn’t be as upset about that aspect. Do you trust him to keep your kid safe? That’s where the real problem would lie. If she does drugs in front of the kid or around them that’s another issue.
You’re not over reacting at all. I’d be pissed off
Of course you’re not overreacting. Under if anything.
YES, you have to be the voice to protect those children. He obviously isn’t making good choices. I wouldn’t want my children around this. Not a great role model situation. Mama bear would come out in me. I’d do anything and everything to protect my children.
if he’s wanting to be a dad and tried before her than id let him see his kid. Regardless what she does or doesn’t do isn’t any of your business as the kid would be there for there dad and not her. Unless she does it infront of them,etc than otherwise but if he’s wanting to see his kid than he should get to regardless of the woman he’s been with unless she does it Infront of them,etc. My brother did drugs also and had a son and unfortunately he’s not here now but there’s no way he’d be told no about seeing his son just because of having a reputation of doing drugs. if he’s tried being a dad before with that woman than let him see his son regardless of her.
You have a right to be pissy. But again you can’t control what or who he is with.
If it’s a serious concern only option is court.
Just talk to your son. Make a plan if he ever feels uncomfortable that he can call you and have a secret word. Let him pick the word. He cam use it to notify you that he needs you and you can go get him. It can work for any situation with any person
You gotta have faith in the father until he shows you otherwise. Kids need their father, the important thing is making it as easy as possibly for your babe!
You don’t have a say in what goes on at his house. Until you have legal documentation that your child is in danger…
This may be a very unpopular opinion, but just because someone has a reputation, doesn’t mean it’s true. Do you have proof that she’s using drugs? I’d start there. Otherwise you may be making problems where there aren’t any.
Haha I wouldn’t be sharing custody with an unfit parent. He is also a shifty father if he can pick and choose when he is one…this made me laugh …more family law holiday fun. …
U never overreacting when something concerns ur child…if there is no court order, I would dictate on his “some timey” interactions with my child. If a court order is involved, then let the courts know.
Strange how he is not a bad parent when he has special privileges that allows him to choose when to be a parent…you have the right to be concerned
They’ve been together 5 months and small towns have a tendency to be judgmental as hell. If she’s sober around the kid and the kid didn’t have any issues meeting her then I’d back off about it but let it be known the lying broke trust and that he can be consistent or yall can go to court
First off you cant judge someone by what you have heard or someone is known for. Small towns are full of rumors. You should want to get to know the woman whose going to be around your child and get your own real opinion. Secondly you cant choose who is in your exs life and who he brings around your child vice versa. The best thing to do is be a involved coparent situation. Judging someone by hear say is unfair.
No . You the mums bear
Your not overreacting. You shouldn’t have to worry if your child is around drugs or if girlfriend is leaving drugs in your child’s reach
Nope not over reacting at all and if he is with her I would be requesting drug testing from him before he took my child anywhere
Is she currently actively involved bin drugs? Do you have proof? If the answer to both of those is no then you are being ridiculous
Well, first I’d recommend finding out if the rumors are true. People spread rumors about me that I used hard drugs since I was 11. The reason for those rumors? I was really really thin. Never did any hard drugs in my life.
And the rumor was first started by my friend’s mom because she didn’t want us being friends.
Second of all, you have full right to protect your child however you see fit. Just don’t let it take away the kids dad if he’s a good dad. Just make sure there’s healthy boundaries set in place
I’m from a small town and I have heard so many stories and lies about myself and my husband . about friends and other things that are not true . I heard how much of a drug addict I am and I am far from it I dont do shit . dont judge her from what you hear . try to get to know the new gf . you may find she is nothing that anyone says she is . and if she is doing drugs then make sure your child is not around said person
I wouldn’t be sending him anymore tbh. I don’t allow my kids around addicts
Unless you have physical proof she is using drugs around your child and the kid is in danger dont keep the child from the father if you have a court order because you’ll be the one in trouble.
You can always go to court and let the judge know your concerns and he/she will make a ruling about the gf not.being present during visitation and if he violates the ruling he’ll be the one who gets in trouble.
Not at all. I think it is completely justified the way you reacted. As a parent and a mother your first priority is your son and his well-being. So, it is completely understandable why you shouldn’t take a bet on that.
I’d be weary about that especially if he’s already lied to you about her being around your kids. I really wouldn’t want my kids around that simply because anything could happen. I’ve always been around people who do drugs and they really do not care if they’re a danger to anyone else children or not. If they’re a serious couple I’d start off by meeting her and having visits with both of them if that’s possible at all and then make your decision after that.
5 months I think you should ask her to lunch an get to know her yourself. Sorry I kinda thinks it’s your own fault I mean no disrespect but you should’ve already established rather shes safe or not to be around. Your opinion not a reputation people change, small towns someone always has something to say. You should try to have a civil relationship with her.
Completely justified. Go with your gut.
If he’s inconsistent and lying you need to put your child first.
My ex has had 3 females in his life over the last 2 years, all in which he asked my own children to not tell me. 2 have been on drugs and one has threatened my life along with trying to run me off the road.
Dropped them off in a shopping centre car park so I couldn’t see her and told them not to tell me she was with him because I knew about her and her reputation.
I have tried for 5 years to keep him in their lives up until recently I have said no more.
The lies and inconsistent behaviour I’ve had to put the kids first.
It’s not good for them let alone us as mothers that have to drop them
off and spend the entire night worrying.
If she didn’t do drugs then I wouldn’t be an issue. But she does. So you have every right. Who knows if she’s going to leave some shit out for your son to get into? The danger she could put him in by using around him. Document EVERYTHING. Build your case before you even go to court.
Do you think your sons father would actually be in a relationship with an active drug abuser? If you truly aren’t sure and think he may be, then why aren’t you concerned about your ex also doing drugs himself and being around your son?
Usually people who are clean and do not use drugs would never enter into a relationship with someone that does. So I think either they are both clean or they both use. If you brought your concern to a judge, they may issue drug tests for any one who will be around your son and caring for him on a regular basis.
You have the right to feel how you feel. You can not take it to court though, unless you have proof that she was using drugs around your child. Dads have the exact same rights as moms do and you do not have a say in what dad does with the kid, unless it is putting him in danger. If that’s the case, call the police immediately! You can however, have the cops do a wellness check when your kid is with dad.
your first problem is thinking you can tell him what to do. if you are genuinely concerned about who he is bringing around the kids then maybe have a CONVERSATION with him about it? or better yet, meet her??? you’re causing a scene over your kids being in a group setting with a woman that you haven’t even met and have heard rumors about that you’re choosing to believe. this is not a mature, let alone effective way to handle your concerns.
you can’t tell your ex what to do so your best bet is to establish a good line of communication and stop trying to call the shots. if you build mutual respect, he is much more likely to take your opinions about things into consideration.
Not your relationship not your place. There is a lot of factors thats come into it. What drugs, are the rumours true, is she doing it in front of your son
No you have every right as yu are the mother to your boy and his dad should respect you and your wishes i would just make sure the drug thing is true first also if so talk to your ex about it and your concerns x
Sounds like jealousy to me
No your definitely not overreacting. Your looking out for your little boybut talk to your ex about it and your your concerns about it and make sure the rumours are true
Keep your son safe xx
Sorry the priority for him is not ur child its himself,walking in and out is not okay that does make him a bad parent… being the mother ur job is to make sure ur child is protected/safe i totally agree if the environment is unhealthy and u truly believe that then do not send your child and start court proceedings… 5 mnths only and his potentially jeopardising his relationship with his child and the safety for a girl of 5mnths doesnt sit right with me …definately wouldnt be placing my child in his hands,the child should come first at all times… dont let anyone tell u, u are wrong who’s the mother and what kind of man do u wana raise a good one or one whom follows the traits of a part time untrustworthy man!!! STAND YOUR GROUND!!! Our children can not be replaced
Not to call the person out but there is always a bitter baby momma on these post being hateful toward the mom that is concerned about her childs well being.
Him coming and going isn’t healthy for your kiddo. If there isn’t a court order I would get one. If you have one keep record of times father doesn’t follow it. After enough evidence go to court for contempt and modify the order.
You really have no say in whom he can bring around your kiddo without court order stating so.
Without real proof about drug use there isn’t anything legally you can do.
Are you basing your judgement of her as fact or just rumor? I mean, every person has a “reputation” of some sort and you may be surprised what others may think of you. Be that as it may, why not do a grown up thing and invite her and him to a grown up conversation and get to to know the woman. Maybe she HAD been a user in the past but ever co sider that she is in recovery; as in NO LONGER USING. Has your child complained that he/she doesn’t like being around her? I kinda think this has more to do with you than the child. He has moved on, you don’t get to dictate who had moved on with.
I would be upset but I also would go for some type of custody agreement if he’s already being unfit. If it doesn’t seem like she’s going anywhere either, I would suck up my pride and get to know her and be cordial. If she has any respect she will respect your wishes if you can all come together somehow.
You have a right to feel however you feel.
You unfortunately do not have any right to control your ex. As long as the child isn’t in danger when they’re with their father, then father can do whatever he chooses with his time spent with the child.
It sucks, and it’s a hard adjustment to make, but it’s the way the courts see it.
Are they doing drugs or high while around your son? If they’re clean, or if she’s clean then I wouldn’t see a reason to keep him from your ex. The lying part isn’t alright but since y’all aren’t together, I don’t really see him having to tell you the truth a solid either.
I grew up in a town of 1200 people. The rumor mill isn’t necessarily accurate. According to my reputation growing up I was a drug addict, pregnant for two years straight, had been arrested multuple times, and both a lesbian and sleeping with old men. None of those things were true.
Be petty, 5 month relationship def do don’t give you the right to have another woman around your child, let alone she uses. Yea that would be a negative for me.
Even if she uses drugs but not around your son there is little you can do about it. He can pretty much do what he wants on his time
Maybe ask to meet her and do it with an open mind. Like someone said above maybe she just smokes a lil pot nothing wrong with that as long as she doesnt do it infront of ur son. Small towns always have gossip maybe its b.s.
Literally just went through court because of this situation. I had some very serious concerns about my ex-husbands girlfriend. I had to petition the court for a Guardian Ad Litem and was got a court appointed mediator. Judge ruled that my ex has to be in the home and with our children for 90% of his parenting time. He was leaving my girls with the girlfriend while he was working and my kiddos weren’t receiving proper care. Unfortunately, we have no say who our ex’s bring around our children, without a court order. Also, I’m not sure how old your kiddo is, but we (step dad and myself) got a no data phone, it can only text and call, for the kiddos when they are with dad, so if they ever feel unsafe or something crazy is happening, they can call us. However, they know this is only for emergencies, not for “dad made me do chores so I want to go home…”
“Reputation” usually means hearsay and that doesn’t hold up in court. If you don’t have solid concrete proof that the gf is an active drug user than you won’t have much of a case to present in court. Maybe try to get to know the gf before you just stop your child from seeing his father over not knowing the actual truth about this woman. And as far as him lying about her being there on Christmas, well Im sure he lied bc he probably knew THIS would be your reaction had he told you the truth, you’d immediately try to keep y’alls child from him
I wouldn’t really concern myself with it unless she was going to be alone with your child.
I think you really should sit down and have a straight conversation with this man with no fighting just voice your Concerns there’s no reason for you guys not to have open adult communication .
You can’t pick and choose who he allows around your child. While the child is in his care, you have to trust that he wouldn’t put your child in danger etc
Not to me I’d be livid
I’m a mother to 3 beautiful babies, I get sick when I have to take something as simple as a Tylenol because I just don’t do medication. But according to the rumors in this town I’m a crack head because I’m super skinny. All it takes is one hating ass person to start a rumor that is the farthest thing from the truth. In my case it was my jealous sister in law. I’ve had complete strangers approach me at funerals wondering why I would be bad mouthing them to her. You cannot believe everything you hear. This he said she said bullshit is overrated and pathetic. I think you should get to know this person and find out on your own. I can’t stand a person who doesn’t have a mind of their own and can’t think for themselves. Don’t be that person.
Get proof if you believe shes on drugs. I’m not sure how it works where you are but, my sons dad told children welfare he thought I was on drugs and they wouldnt even drug test me because they’ve never seen me under the influence of anything and had no reason to believe I was on drugs. They also told him that in court if he didnt have solid proof I was on drugs, it wouldnt work in his favor. Also withholding your children on an assumption will look bad in court as well. I would speak to a lawyer and see what their recommendation is
So… You say you live in a small town. I know small town gossip isn’t always accurate. If this girl is going to be in your exes, and your kids life, you should think about meeting her. Have a cup of coffee with her… Just the 2 of you. Maybe drugs are a thing of the past for her.
If she is doing drugs still… I’d be worried too. The atmosphere that puts people into usually isn’t a very healthy one. That being said, you can’t dictate who your ex is going to see. If you fear for the wellbeing of your kid, you might need to get help legally. But think really hard if you’re really afraid for him… Or if you just want to control who is around him. Good luck!
I think you have some say in who watches him without either parent present, but as to who he is around when with his father you have no say.
I can understand you being upset but who he has around the child on his time you have no say. How do you know she uses drugs have you seen her do it or is it just simple gossip
As a parent in recovery I say give her a chance. As long as the child isn’t in immediate danger & she isn’t doing drugs in front of/around the child then it shouldn’t be a problem. Addicts aren’t bad people. We’re people who made a mistake & it takes a lot to get sober bc a lot of ppl don’t even realize they have a problem until they hit rock bottom. Get to know her. Let her know you’re worried & why. Set some boundaries. Then go from there
If he can’t respect your wishes then he can take you to court I would not allow it
I would be upset about the lie but I would want to meet her and make my own judgment I would openly ask her about her drug problem and if she has an issue tell her well if u can’t be open and honest with me then you don’t need to be around my child but I would hope you can trust the father not to put your child in a shitty situation. Tell him to please always make the right call and if he can’t then he can meet you in court for visitation
I say go straight to the source. Meet her, talk ect ect… But if the father himself isn’t an active parent I wouldn’t just hand my kid over especially with concerns. It only takes 1 time for something to accidentally happen. Either not being watched or gets into something I’m not saying being a jerk and take the kid away but you have the right to protect your child. Trust your intuition.
Do you guys have any custody over him? If not not sure where you are but here in idaho the dad has no rights until he files for them. Even if hes on the birth certificate. Also a good parent doesn’t parent when its convenient for him or her and they wouldn’t be with someone whos involved with drugs. I wouldn’t let him see the child until he changes. I had to do that to my older twos dad. Hes the same.
I’d be on high alert if it happened once how many other times and how do U know that he not doing them with her when she around I’d think twice we all know u become who u hang
I’m going to put my opinion here and as a disclaimer I am not, have not, and probably never will be in this type of situation but I can tell you that you sound like me and want to protect your child no matter what and I firmly believe that as a parent that is your sole duty to raise and protect them. I have no idea what the legalities are but I personally feel that unless he is married to this other woman you have every single right in the world to be mad and to not ever let that happen again. You have a say so on who is involved with your kid. The kid didn’t ask to be put in this type of situation so why would anyone want to potentially make it a worse situation or even possibly unsafe. If he is married to her and has legal rights to have your child unsupervised then I would say you probably would have to step back some.
I wouldn’t want my kids to be around that BUT if he wants to be a parent, let him be a parent. Let him see his kid, and if he wants to be with her YOU have no control over that. You could just have a bad impression of her and judging her on something you haven’t asked her yourself.
Watch out that b**** might try to steal your kids don’t let him go there without your presence
Go to court and provide enough evidence of the girlfriend’s drug use to convince the judge that the girlfriend is a danger to your child. In a small town, it’s not that difficult to do.
Full blown Druggies will trade your son for drugs. It’s just best to keep your son away from that lady
First of all, I can’t believe the comments. He’s in and out if his life when he wants to be! You absolutely have say so! I would take it to court, get visitation and everything in writing and no, I wouldn’t want anyone around my kids doing drugs either, y’all sound dumb saying it’s not she business, it most definetely is!
You’re not wrong for how you feel. You can’t help that. You also don’t get to say who is in your exs’ life and the girl in his life is going to be in your sons’ life too. As long as your son is safe and happy, you have to put your feelings aside. If you are genuinely concerned about your sons’ safety, go to court. Parenting is hard! Co-parenting is even harder but you CAN do it if you focus on what’s best for your kid(s) & put your feelings aside
I would think as a mom you would ask to have lunch with the 2 of them. Introduce yourself and try to get to know her, not work on rumors.
You need a court order with the father so that he can’t pick and choose. As for the girlfriend, If you have evidence you can make a case in court or potentially contact CPS when your son is with his Dad. But, keep in mind that will open up a huge can of worms so you need to know she’s using drugs in the house. It’s a tough situation.
If he already did it behind your back baby, I’m sure he’ll continue to. Be careful. Drugs are a hell a of thing. If she’s smoking weed , eh that’s not serious . But if she’s doing other drugs protecting your little one is important. My nephew almost died because his dad came back from a night of doing coke (we had no idea til we found the baggy and residue on his keys) picked the baby up and was kissing on him. He stopped breathing we had to take him to the hospital and they air lifted him to the children’s hospital. Thank god we reacted in time because he’s perfectly fine years later but it could’ve ended way worse. So you have EVERY RIGHT to be pissed. especially if he’s in and out of the kids life and you already vocalized you didn’t want his new gf around. 5 months isn’t to serious anyways to me, before anyone meets my son it has to be serious.
The amount of bitter women I see on this page is crazy! Get over it, you have no real proof of anything, that woman is in his life and it’s none of your business and I know that’s difficult and it hurts and it really sucks, at the end of the day, you guys aren’t together so it’s truly none of your business what your child does at his own father’s home, you need some counseling and I say that in the nicest possible way, why stress yourself out in this way, I will never understand how women get so angry, nasty and bitter over their ex having a new woman:woman_shrugging:t2: Set a better example for your child!
Definitely not over reacting I wouldn’t let my kid go at all either until there was a legal document and u can get it where she cant be around him ir any female unless they been together for a year
I’m in a similar situation my ex husband only sees our children now and again never bought them for Christmas never seen them but the week before Christmas he had them for 3hours and he took them to his dads house who my kids don’t no this man doesn’t and never has took anything to do with my kids and all of a sudden he wants to be a grandad. I can’t stand him he is a complete stranger to my kids. Who are 8yrs and 3yrs old. My ex husband has an 18yr old son who was in and out of care homes and is on drugs and he wants to see my kids who he never really bothered with and I won’t let him. But I’m made out to be the bad one. My stepson has been accused of rape and lots of mental health issues. I’m protecting my children from them all