Fast forward to now. He is 12. Doing amazing in school, and actually making friends, on the football team, such a good big brother to his younger siblings between my hubs and I. Well… she wrote a letter claiming she clean… again. This time I actually believe her because for the 1st time ever she actually sounds sober if that makes since. Anyway she’s wanting to “get to know” our son and possibly have visitations with him again. My son however wants absolutely nothing to do with her. He mad, struggling, upset as he should be. We did come clean about his dad not being his bio dad, and that lead into how he got custody of him. (His counselor suggested we be open and honest instead of waiting to tell him when he’s older). We left out the “harsher” details and only told him the need to know details. He remembers her doing drugs in front of him. There’s ALOT of trauma there for him and I don’t blame him one bit. My hubs and I support our sons decision, whether it be to create a relationship with her, or to not have any contact. Its all about him and his wants and needs… His decision is to not have contact. He even wrote her a letter back stating so… However she won’t drop it and has threatened court. My hubs and I are not worried in any way because she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. I guess I’m asking is what are our options? Can we terminate her rights even though she’s recently made contact and him not being the bio dad? Do we just ignore her and pray she stops? Do we force our son to have a relationship with her? Has anyone has a similar situation? Advice?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do "we" let my bonus sons bio mom back into his life or not? - Mamas Uncut
Tell her to contact again when he is 20…I can bet she won’t take it to court…Good on you for loving this boy…
Don’t force him. But his mother will always be his mother. No amount of time or distance will change that. He eventually may come around. Talk to him and encourage him. We all make mistakes. Give him time if he isn’t ready.
You can not stop the real mum seeing her baby !! Sometimes we lead down the wrong roads and fuck up in life. But we can change and become a better person. Give her a chance.
I would ignore her. Your son spoke his peace. She can go to court, but I don’t see that doing much for her. In the court’s eyes, the boy is of age to make his own decisions.
If he doesn’t want to see her then don’t force him
- Talk to lawyer to first find out what the rights are for all parties involved
- I would hope the bio mom would respect her son’s wishes and wait till he is older, more mature emotionally, and able to deal with meeting her in the future
Most states even if she tries to take to court for custody or visitation he actually has a right in court to speak his peace and state he wants nothing to do with her due to his age.
He’s 12. At this age, due to circumstances, a Judge would likely consider his wishes. The bio mom can threaten court all she wants, but her history does not look good for her. It’s not a first go, she’s already lost custody.
I would continue to try and encourage him to have some interaction with her though, even if it’s just through letters. No matter what her history is, eventually he’ll be curious.
Do not make the child go . I would seek an attorneys advice who specializes i. Child custody . Child can make decision himself as to what he desires either now or in one year -
Ask court for supervised visitation ,but he doesn’t trust or want to be alone with her. He still has nightmares.
If you try to keep her completely out they may just give her joint. She’s clean. I don’t think you can stop it. But if you suggest an option they may be willing to cooperate with you faster than her. Let them know how well he has come in your care. God bless y’all.
Dont force him itll only make him resent you guys too. If she wants to go to court let her. She has to show she can support herself as well as her child. Also drug tests r a must of thays the route she goes make her do drug tests. Also since you hubs has full custody she honestly cant do shit. Your son stated in a letter signed and dated hopefully saying he wants nothing to do with her thats another win for u guys. Just dont force him into something hes not ready for. She needs to prove shes clean. Make her do drug tests make her show you shes capable of taking care of herself. Please dont force him.
Raised five kids that were not mine four my ex hubbies and got his ex wife additional child out of foster care after she abandoned him . Helped get my ex full custody and thank god never heard from
Her again for the kids sake as she messed them up badly . I say if he is 12 and doesn’t want a relationship don’t force it . You’ve been honest and you have legal custody . I would get some legal advice though to cover your guys backsides but as far as I’m
Aware she’d have a hard time trying to get custody off of you guys now x
He’s the father if he’s on the birth certificate. That’s a big deal. I wouldn’t worry about anything. Let her do the work, if she actually does all the work then maybe she is worthy of some of his time. Just wait n see. Your doing the right thing.
Talk to your lawyer and go from there. They shouldn’t force a relationship when he has already stated he doesn’t want anything to do with her.
My daughters dad was in n out for years on and off drugs. After year four I moved and dropped all contact. He is on her birth certificate and I do have full custody. He recently tried to contact her and I let her talk to him. She’s 8 now, but her response to him “I don’t have a dad I have a mom who does both and has since I was born.” He was obviously heart broken but at the same time she needed that and to be honest, I needed to hear that my parenting was good enough to not allow a toxic man, biologically her father or not in her life.
It’s her decision to contact him, and it her choice if she wants him in her life. I do share picture on occasion but other then that nothing.
She’s been gone long enough to remove all her rights and you adopt him if that’s everyone elses wishes. He has a say so and she doesn’t have a leg to stand on in ANY state. She can in some states get reconciliation/supervised visitation BUT you can make stipulations for mental health and drug and alcohol evaluations and treatment be made prior to and all financial be paid by her. You could also have taken her for child support at any time.
Anyways respect his wishes, continue therapy and if needed get a no contact order put in place.
She’s bluffing about court, she will get nowhere, he’s 12, old enough to decide and the court will respect and abide by his decision. You cannot terminate her parental rights, only she can give them up. Tell her to bring it, go to court, she is still obligated to pay child support and possibly back child support…all is in your favor, go for the court.
Your son is definitely not ready to meet bio mom I would honestly let it wait until he is ready
Judge takes the child’s point of view into consideration at the age. Just keep telling her no that he doesn’t want contact
Maybe you should write her and keep her in the loop about what’s going on with your son’s life. And after about a year or so of her being consistent writing letters being inquisitive things like that. You suggest to your son that you all you husband son and the bio Mom all have dinner together. That way your son doesn’t feel like he is just being thrown into this he has you and your husband to back him up and make him feel comfortable.
Explain to your son that his mother was very sick addiction is a disease but if she’s clean now and she’s being consistent and she’s being healthy then it would be good for him to have some sort of relationship with her even if it’s a small one.
Just ignore her she’ll eventually go away and I really don’t think she’ll take it to court. He’s at the age he can tell you and the judge he doesn’t want contact
Na . He doesn’t want to see her. I wouldn’t let her to be honest.
Him not being the biological father has no standing in the courts. She may try to use that as leverage against him. But in the courts eyes he’s the legal father. That’s all that counts. I wouldn’t force him to see her. There’s a lot of trauma she’s reopening. As it stands legally your son is not obligated to see her & your husband is not obligated to provide him for visits. She can take your husband to court. In that case he should hire a lawyer. If the judge is leaning towards reunification then have the lawyer order frequent drug tests. Visits should begin as supervised. 5yrs of no contact is a long time. I’d also ask a lawyer about termination of rights. For now I wouldn’t respond to her. Block her on everything you can. If she creates new names, numbers block those with no response. Do keep record/screenshots. There’s a right & wrong way to gain rights of your kid. Harassment is not the right way. Just ignore her. If she’s serious she’ll take your husband to court. I would talk to a lawyer about abandonment & you becoming his legal mother though. If something would happen to your husband she will get custody. You’re the step-mother so in the eyes of the law you are not his parent. Get legal rights to him yourself.
Don’t force or suggest the child go. If that’s what he has chosen stick by his side.
It WILL cause more hurt and trauma.
My mum was there with my niece and nephew. you and your husband are amazing for stepping up x
Let your son decide what he was to do. She has no rights to him so the only people that have a say is you, he’s Dad and your son. If he doesn’t want contact with his biological mother than that’s he’s choice.
At end off the day ur son said he don’t want to he has a right to say he don’t xxxxx
Since her rights have not been terminated she is Allowed by law to have visitation with her child and it really would not be up to you or the child as to whether she can have visitation or her rights terminated, that would be up to a judge, if the courts and dcf had any intention of doing that they would have already done so they would not step in now that she is clean and sober and wanting a relationship with her child. Your son is too young to decide whether or not he should have a relationship with his mother, it is his biological mother and yes he should have visitation with her his feelings will probably change greatly after he has been visiting with her for a while, which may anger you but it will ultimately be beneficial for your son, that is his biological mother and he deserves to have a relationship with her now that she is mentally and physically able to have one with him without her abilities being clouded by drugs. You should set up the visitations now not force her to have to go to court, because the courts will give her visitation whether you want them to or not, you’re fighting against her on this is what’s causing some of the anger and frustration in your child, you will make him fear his emotions that he will have for her thinking that it may make you hate him for feeling that way . You need to sit him down and tell him now that you love him and he needs to get to know his mother and that you’re very supportive of this all the way around. If you don’t do this you could risk losing custody of him because she can claim and so can her attorney and the courts will see this that you are coaching the child against her, they put a lot of stock in someone who overcomes drug and alcohol use and is there wanting to spend time with their child and as time goes on and she proves that she can stay sober anything that you do other than to support the relationship of him and his mother will only go against you.
Ignore her. Tell her to take you to court if she wishes 
If you file a step parent adoption you can prob have all her rights removed and you can legally be his mom. He’s old enough that the courts will listen and usually respect his decision.
In the eyes of the court he is the legal father. He is the only father he has known since he was born. At age 12 he is old enough to know if he wants to see his mom or not and obviously he does not. Child remembers all that was done when he was in her care. I would just wait till she takes you to court if she does. There is no court order at this time saying u are obligated to let her see him. So u dnt have to do anything she ask.
Depending on the state…I mean worst case she has to sign them over.
Listen to that child write her back tell her he needs time and don’t give much detail, make sure all social media is really secured so she can’t get pictures or information
Make her take you to court and get your child not you their own lawyer who will represent him
Actually you may want to rethink that she does have a leg to stand on as neither one of you are bio parents yes you were granted custody but depending on the state you’re in and if indeed she is sober she can and probably will win some custody back. The judge isn’t going to look at the fact that he’s 12 right now in the eyes of the court he doesn’t have a say til he’s 14 and that’s in the majority of state’s. So I wouldn’t be saying she doesn’t have a leg to stand on just yet. Until there’s TPR in place she still has rights and can utilize them. I’ve seen parents only sober for 30 days and got their kids back from states custody.
She abandoned him. Over a year no contact is abandonment. He doesn’t have to see her and it’s probably best if he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to see her. Respect his wishes, not hers. Keep his therapist in the loop. No matter what, never let her visit unsupervised. If she goes to court, get a guardian ad lideum.
As the child is 12 I’m sure if she trys to take you to court the court will see what’s best for the child and if the child has stated he no longer wants to know her she hasn’t got a leg to stand on getting him back, and you cnt make a child of 12 have time with the mother, she lost him because of her stupid ways and it’s his choice
He is 12. Hes old enough to make that choice but always leave that door open for him. If he changes his mind. As long as your man is on the birth certificate. By law he is the father. Doesnt matter biological or not.
Wow ! I don’t know what to say that’s a tough situation to be in ,but I do know a few people who’ve lost their kids over drugs and have come back clean and sober and back on the right track ,it’s very sad it’s come to this because if that was me in the state she was and I became clean and sober being the Mum of that child I would try to see my child ,we don’t know what she went through either for her to become a druggo .And with you telling your son everything his probably thought she didn’t want him and abandoned him so Its a hard one but she probably does deserve a chance
Has she terminated custody of the boy, or have the courts removed her parental rights? If not, I believe she can legally petition the court for visitation. That being said – You may want to involve your attorney and a family therapist to make sure everyone is acting in the best interests of the child.
In this situation I would go through the courts and see what they say I would not just let her take him because she says she’s clean unless the judge agrees and she proves so in court say something happens while she has him again it could be worse than he’s already gone through she needs to fight for it herself I would let her petition the courts and let the judge decide I would not let the child go unless I was directed too
He’s of the age where he can tell a judge how he feels and the judge will side with your son…especially if he remembers his mother doing drugs in front of her. It’s not about her, she’s messed up his life with these memories…what he wants in this situation is what should happen
give her supervised visits but make her have to take a ua 1st and if she fails no visit
He’s old enough to tell the judge
You don’t allow her back in his life, he doesn’t want to know her!!! Why are you even on Facebook asking this?? It’s very simple tell her to stop contacting y’all or take y’all to court!! Period! She’s not gonna get shit and he’s of the age now where a judge will listen to what he wants
Egg donor does not a parent make… Too bad she is sorry. Consequences for actions.
She hasn’t signed her rights away. And she could take you to court. And whether your son likes it or not could be made to have visitation with her.
You and your husband need to adopt him. Check and see if her rights were terminated.
If she does take you to court, I strongly recommend getting a guardian ad litem to represent your son and what he wants. I had one in my custody case, and they made sure the court sided with the child’s wants, as long as it wasn’t detrimental to them. They will interview everyone involved, and represent your son’s side of things. I hope this helps
I wouldn’t make him do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable with. This is basically uprooting his life, his security, his comfortabilty and his identity. 12 years old is old enough to make a decision like that. Threatening courts just tells me how low and disrespectful she is and wouldn’t take long before she tries to warp his mindset. I see trouble coming.
As a mother & a recovering addict the fact that you even mentioned terminating her rights is disgusting!
One year no contact is abandoned, it should be the boys decision.
I would ignore her unless she actually goes to court. Your son has stated he wants no contact and I believe in most states he is old enough to decide. Your husband is the legal father so I don’t think there is much she can do. Yes she may be sober now, but she made this bed so now she has to deal with the consequences.
He has every right to his opinions, I say he’s old enough to make that decision. Recovering addicts or not, There is no excuse for the no contact in years.
not knowing the laws where you are, I think your best bet right now is to consult with a lawyer who specializes in child custody cases now so in case she does take you to court you’ll be prepared.
Your son has said and written to her that he doesn’t want any contact. Follow your son’s lead. If she wants to do court let her. See if she actually follows through.
You could terminate her rights if she didn’t speak to him for years. You can terminate her rights for abandonment. Honestly, I’d lawyer up and have your son speak to the judge/lawyer as well.
Do what you want. But when she takes it to court, be prepared because she is the biological mother and will ALWAYS have a leg to stand on, especially with no other biological parent involved. You assume way too much, especially considering her parental rights have not been terminated (and probably never will be if she’s sober).
Do not force him to see her. Especially if you value that relationship. He is old enough to know what he does and doesn’t want. In most states(I believe?) 12 is the legal age for a child to have a say in adoption (at least that was the case with me in CO).
If she wants to spend the money for an attorney and court fees, definitely get a guardian to represent him and his wishes to be no where near her. There may be a psych evaluation type of thing to make sure that is his own thinking and not anyone else’s, but it will be worth it. You’ve had full custody for almost 10 years and she only now made contact? That’s kind of sus…
If dads name is on the birth certificate bio or not he’s legally the bio dad
As soon as his name was put on the birth certificate he became his legal father. There’s no differentiation between a bio dad and one that adopts.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do "we" let my bonus sons bio mom back into his life or not? - Mamas Uncut
Depending on the state you’re in, at that age, the courts will heavily (mostly) consider HIS feelings & wants. He can choose what he wants
He has made the right decision for now… maybe when he is closer to adulthood and can mentally handle seeing her and hearing her out, but not now. He needs this time to grow happily into adulthood… if birth giver wants to get to know her biological child, she needs to let him get through the hardest part of growing up first, in a solid home…(speaking from experience, I was Mom from ages 2 and 4 till preteen when bio mom popped back up, messed them up for for life)
I would let him decide. If she takes you to court, so be it. But the fact that she’s even threatening it tells me that she continues to only cares about herself and not him. And that isn’t going to end well for him. If you end up in court I think you simply say “She has made too many mistakes and he didn’t want to see her. We are glad she is doing better, and if he changes his mind we will support that, but right now he’s doing great and we believe it’s in his best interest to respect his wishes and not have any contact.” She may be clean and she may be doing great, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still consequences for her past mistakes. He doesn’t want his life disrupted and that is his right.
I think regardless if his name is on the birth certificate it makes no difference… I knew someone who claimed a child as their own and was taken to court for child support, he tried to say he wasn’t the birth father even took a dna to prove it but judge denied his claim and said because he claimed the child as his own by putting his name on birth certificate he is still legally responsible to pay child support. So legally I think your hubby has every right when it comes to his son!
Your husband sounds like a wonderful man he stepped up fully knowing he wasn’t the bio dad and did something few would do. Yet unless her rights are terminated she still has rights to go to court and seek some type of arrangement. My opinion is let him make the choice. Seek out a therapist that can help him with the trauma and always let him know he will always have a right to know his bio mom if he so chooses. Bio moms threats so early on shows how immature she is and definitely not taking in consideration the damage she has caused. If her intentions are genuine she has to start by taking baby steps whether she likes it or not ! You two sound like a wonderful support system for him and are at least open to the fact that he may one day want a relationship with her. The thing with substance abuse is that the family is also affected by the user and the user doesn’t recognize the damage they are truly doing. Best of luck to this young man.
No wait untill he is 18 and can make judgement himself ,I am raising multiple grandkids from 2 daughters.when there 18 it’s up to you them untill then it’s a no ,to many jail terms to many drugs to many let downs I will not be picking up the pieces of there disapointments no shows etc !
Be supportive of whatever the son wants to do.
Respect your son’s wishes.
Your son’s story sounds very similar to mine with my mother growing up. My father always gave me the choice to visit my mom or not unless she wasn’t doing well at the time. I wouldn’t force visits if your son doesn’t want to. I feel that would only hurt him more than he already is hurting. Also due to the fact that he doesn’t want to see her, makes me feel like he has some sort of resentment towards her and that definitely needs to be addressed. Maybe have him talk to a therapist if he hasn’t already ?
This is so tough so I’m only going to talk from life experience.
I would start small, Facebook friends or coffee with a few photos.
In the long run it’s in everyone’s benefit to stay in each others lives, how much is the question. I’ve learned people can be gone in a moment and no matter how toxic they were, the what ifs in life don’t go with them.
As his now parent it is your job to keep him safe so you need to make sure that she is in a healthy state of mind first and foremost.
My mother was an addict and I was about 12 years old when I made the decision to no longer have contact with her. I tried again as an adult when I thought she was clean but it didn’t work out. Trust your son when he says he doesn’t want contact
Good luck with all of That because this child needs loving strong advice 
The best thing the mother can do is find the truth about who is father is he could just turn up I don’t think the mother should have any contact not the way she is the damage is already done good for u guys for being strong
He should be in therapy and the Therapist should be doing all step up recommendations for reunification. Being abandoned and neglected by the biological parent is emotionally and mentally damaging… The Therapist is the one who should be helping you three adults navigate through rebuilding healthy, stable relationships between all parties. Also, it will help with consistency, but more importantly, there will be more accountability. The Therapist usually have the absent parent participate in family Therapy consistently for 3-6 before recommendations on in-person visits to ensure the parent is safe and consistent. Therapy is best for both son and Bio Mom. Maybe Court will be the best option…that way she can have a step up parenting plan and ensure that she is making that effort.
Obviously his mom made plenty of mistakes. I dont believe her rights should be terminated. The child is 12…he doesn’t grasp the meaning of “making her not his mother”
The court needs to decide if she has visitation rights and they will take into consideration how the child feels about all that. Someday when he’s an adult he will understand more of what has happened. And someday he’ll understand that nobody is perfect even you and your husband.
I’m not saying throw out welcome mat but don’t make this childs life decision.
Get a guardian ad litem for your son. They’re responsible for protecting the interests of a minor child. The guardian ad litem makes a recommendation to the court on issues including custody of the child, parenting time agreements, and visitation rights.
I’d honor his wishes and just try to explain to her that he’s not ready to have contact with her right now and if that changes that you and his dad will respect his wishes. She may or may not attempt court, I’d just wait it out and see what happens. All states are different, they’ll take into consideration what your child’s wishes are but normally the judge will ultimately decide what he/she thinks is best for the child. (Unless you live in NC then I believe they can decide if mature enough) My daughter was 15 almost 16 and the judge went against her wishes. In your situation, I’d say IF she takes you guys to court and IF the court were to allow any visitation with bio mom it would likely be supervised visitation at first and she would be drug tested by the court. The court should set him up with a Guardian At Liem if she would address the court (think it works that way in every state) Also, he’s considered his bio dad because he’s on the birth certificate so it doesn’t matter that he isn’t actually the bio dad, when he signed that birth certificate he is his legal father regardless.
Do not force him, he’ll resent you. She’ll try court but hes old enough to decide. Her pushing like that makes it sound like its all about her, not your son. Maybe shes clean but if so, shes not a very good person to threaten court.
I would have him see a therapist and then maybe do visitation with a therapist with her and him.
Talk to lawyer about terminating her rights to see if it’s a possibility and ask son if that’s something he would want, till then tell her when and if he wants to talk with her he will write her and that if she continues to keep harassing y’all that you will get a no contact order. I’d also see how long she has been clean for and maybe get him into some counseling. Good luck 
Why didn’t you get a family law attorney and petition the court when she was mia? They would have probably severed her rights and you could have “officially” adopted him leaving her no course to take for him.
Leave it up to your son. Bio is no longer an issue. The courts established that long ago… Praying God’s guidance
As long as he’s on the birth certificate he is legally his father
The fact the son is 12 and he doesn’t want contact I think it would be rare for any judge to force him to have contact with a parent that has no legal rights x
Most states have an age the child can choose.
I’d definitely let HIM decide
I would seek to terminate rights and grant his wishes let him do it when and if he is ever ready.
If you have sole custody she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. She will have to get a lawyer to peruse her rights. So for as of now I would go by what your son wants until the time when the courts get involved. Definitely consult your lawyer and be prepared in case she does. Also if you hubs signed the birth cert it doesn’t matter if he is biological dad. If mom had cyst of the son and he signed birth certificate he would have to pay child support… it is a long process to be removed from birth certificate even with dna proof. Your son is at an age where the court would ask him what he wants as well. I don’t think you have much to worry about. Remain neutral in the matter to your son. Don’t talk badly about him mom. Make it his choice but if he does want to go I would have supervised until you are sure she is clean. These kids have to learn on their own about parents and you influencing either way will not be helpful to your relationship. It’s tuff but part of dealing with a blended family
Good luck
Tell her your son made up his mind and you aren’t forcing him to have a relationship with a stranger because she feels ready and entitled to it! Nope! The sober her should understand that. If not, look up your state abandonment laws, and go terminate her rights if you can. Either way, I do not see a judge siding with her because she finally quit doing drugs! Try again when he’s 18+ lady! Until then, leave him alone!
She’ll always be his real mom sorry but it’s true
Just ignore her . Your sons rights and feelings come before hers let her take it to court if she does son can tell the judge now he feels
Son should go to therapy. Hopefully is mom will, too. Leave the door open. Sounds like you have him on the right track. I think he will eventually want some kind of contact. Please have him write a couple lines to mom encouraging her to stay sober.
Respects his wishes not to see her. He’s been thru enough and even wrote her already. He’s ok’d enough to make that decision.
She may be his “bio mom” but that doesn’t mean $hit. He is 12 years old now - so personally it has been far too long for her to come back in and want to now have something to do with him. I would follow in his lead, don’t make him do anything he isn’t comfortable with, as well as keep his therapist in the loop of what is going on. I would also reach out to a lawyer to get all your ducks in a row in case she does go through with trying to take you guys to court. If she does, it shows that she does not give much thought or care in the world about your son and his feelings - especially considering he wrote her back.
The mother does have a leg to stand on. If she can 100% prove she is clean and would be a stable environment then she could in fact win in court.
Let him on his own time. Dont force it. Dont tell him people change and encourage he see her because that could be the first step of crushing his soul finding out she isnt different for real…
Leave it up to the kid he is old enough to decide