Consult an attorney that specializes in custody.
If he doesnât want a relationship with her, donât force it & donât let her force it either. If she heard his answer & tries to fight it, that is not a good sign that sheâs okay. When you do that type of shit to your child, you fucked up, & you ask for forgiveness, you have to except their answer, & the fact that she doesnât is toxic, imo
So you guys stop all contact with the mother and son and now you want to say the boy wants nothing to do with her. What am I missing here?
Listen to your son. Terminate her rights.
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She had an addiction and fucked up her whole life, she is clean now and never gave her rights away, she should be able to get supervised visitations and get to know her son.
Let the child decide and stand by him regardless of his decision. Your husband is LEGALLY his dad regardless of DNA because he is on the birth certificate so in the eyes of the court HE IS DAD. If your son wants nothing to do with his bio mother so be it. Terminate her rights.
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If he doesnât want it, donât force it. If she goes to the courts, heâs considered âold enoughâ to be able to tell the courts he doesnât want contact and if he explains the trauma left on him and the memories of her doing drugs in front of him, they wonât make him have visitation with her
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Listen to your child.
My dad isnât my sperm donor. Iâve never had an interest in meeting my sperm donor. Not when I was younger and not now that Iâm older.
Theyâre NOT our parentâŠtheyâre just a surrogate/sperm donor.
YOU are his mom and dadâŠregardless of DNA. No different then if youâd have just adopted randomly out of the system.
So if heâs not for itâŠthey she gets told no. See you in court then đ€·
Back your sonâs choice.
To himâŠthatâs not his mom. Itâs his birth giver.
Or at least that how I view itâŠmy sperm donor isnât my dadâŠmy dad is my dadâŠDNA only determines whoâs the father, not whoâs the dadđ€· your husband IS his dad and YOU are his mom.
Dad is on the birth certificate and has been granted custody so not being a âbioâ dad is a disregarded point. He is a full parent in the courts eyes.
Since he is of age to talk to a court appointed child mediator, I would let it ride. Let her initiate the court and go to court. Leave your son out of it for now as it may never materialized. If it does go far enough with the courts, ask for proof of drug counseling, regular testing and then your son can tell his side of the story. Depending on the age in your state, he may be old enough to say no and the courts will oblige. I would continue to support him the way you have been. 
It sounds like you and hubby are amazing and supportive parents! Itâs my understanding though that she would have to agree to giving up rights and only if another parent is going to adopt, which sounds like you would definitely be willing to do. I have a friend who lost her kiddos and has been clean and doing amazing for years now but still is not able to get her custody back⊠so things may be in your favor. It definitely, as hard as it may be, should be up to him⊠but I realize the struggle of wanting to protect his heart. Iâm glad you guys are on board with supporting him either way. I would speak to a family lawyer and research your best possibilities. With his age though he can almost be at that point where it is up to him in regards of the court process and with her background, the judge is likely to grant his wishes. Sending blessings and love through this journey!
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I say support your son with his wishes right now and if it changes at a later date, support his decision then as well. That way he knows(Iâm sure he already does) that you all will support him no matter what his decision. So that way if things go south again, he knows he will have support.
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Never force a child to have a relationship with anyone they donât want one with.
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Here is a mini book. Comes from experience. Leave it up to your son. Kids are smart and will make their own choices. Your job is to make sure his decision is because he is informed.
Backstory. I have a 19 and a 16 year old. Their father contacts them when he feels like it. Every 2 years or so. And then he is relentless for months. Then He disappears again. The last five or so years, my boys have kept it on their terms. My ex has had one fiancĂ©e and one wife that passed was written as drug OD. But I know the truth. As recently as two months ago. Lots more to my and their story such as abuse, but thatâs for another day. I donât lie to my kids when they ask questions. All I ever ask is that they be honest with me about whether they talk to him or not. I ask every other month. âTalk to your dad lately?â âHow is he doing?â Responses go like this ânoâ âyeah, he hasnât changedâ ânot in 6 monthsâ. âHe keeps texting me but I donât want to deal with thatâ. Court ordered to
Let him have them every other weekend. Yeah, Iâve been dragged to court over saying no. All I said is the boys had plans and he hasnât seen them in a year. I donât make my kids plan nothing on weekends that they are suppose to see him.
I have never lied, but you are correct to leave some details out, if your kiddo asks, donât lie. I have informed children that make their own decisions. At one point I would tell their dad no about Visits. And leave it at that. Not because it was my choice, but because they didnât want to deal with him. Iâll be the bad guy to keep their dad from pressuring them. Donât force it if you can help it. Laws are laws and I was forced to let my ex have some time. Years later Iâm happy it happened because my boys are informed. They would spend their time with him, only to be left with a sitter and dad on a drinking binge.
Write everything down. Have your kiddo write everything down. When she contacts, when he sees her. If they visit, How the visit went. Not only may it come into play later, but itâs therapeutic. Your kiddo is able to write it down and forget about it. And so are you. Ask to review your kids notes once in a while and let him see yours. Make sure he knows ahead of time you guys will be reviewing each others notes. Tell him itâs to fill in any holes there may be, but you will be able to tell how he is doing. Is he upset , is he dealing well. And he will see that you are watching and trying to make the most informed decisions you can. Good luck, it doesnât stop when the kids are adults. Horrible parents, use their kids. For life. Give your son the tools he will need to be able to deal with bio mom later in life. And donât be afraid to end up in court, because you said no. Youâll have notes to photo copy and bring to court. Both yours and your boys.
Take your son to fill out Termination of Parental rights, he should be old enough, if that is his choice.
Okay so similar situation my niece was born with drugs in her system it was my brother and his girlfriend and my brother signed over his rights for me to adopt her I got her when she was 10 days old her mother fought for three years I always made sure that she had a relationship with both her mother and father because I thought that was doing the best for her fast forward to when sheâs an adult and she doesnât want a relationship with her mother and father she remembers trauma and drug abuse and everything else so her being an adult now she told me that she would have preferred me to keep her safe and away from them then allowing her to see them but she does have a good relationship with all of her siblings from both her mother and her fatherâs side so if that helps she is now 27 has two kids and absolutely the best kid youâve ever seen she works she goes to school she provides for both of her daughters
Youâre a POS, flat out. Yes she fucked up but she is trying to do better for herself and her child. Neither of yâall are even this kidâs parent and you want to make it so he canât see his ACTUAL parent when sheâs trying to do better and fix things.Scummy af
Keep her out . Parents like that just come back to do more mental damage
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No you canât terminate rights. Hopefully she drops it.
Do not force the son! Respect his wants and needs.
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Even in court your son would have a say at his age.He is also old enough to say how he feels and why he feels that way and if he does not want contact then there should be no contact.He should not be forced to deal with or spend time with her if he does not want to.She missed out thats on her.Her choices made her lose her son.You are absolutely right to stand behind your son and his decision.Even if she threatens courtâŠshed lose.
Contact a lawyer just in case it does go to court so heâs or sheâs aware but he can make his on choice
Ask your son if heâd be willing to write a letter back to the bio mom and have him explain his feelings and why he wants nothing to do with her. She might take that as an inspiration to stay sober and get her life back together to have a relationship with her son.
Take it to court and let your son speak on his own behalf
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You should check into what it would take to have her rights taken by the state. Some states say after 6 months of no contact the parent can petition the courts to have the rights taken.
Tell her it will take time . Time will tell. Continue getting clean. Hes old enough to know what he wants. He made his decision
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Sounds to me like yâall already did your part in giving her chances. Please do not force him, if anything I think itâll make him a little resentful towards youâve since he already stated heâs against it. If she wants to go to court let her it sounds like thereâs enough history & on the record of what sheâs done for yâall to have a defense. If sheâs sober thatâs awesome but for her to expect yâall to be trusting and open to visitation is ridiculously selfish of her.
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Contact a family law attorney as well as a guardian adlitem. The family law attorney would speak on your behalf and know how to navigate the situation and the guardian adlitem would speak solely on the childâs behalf. Thereâs a good chance with the length of time and reasons behind her losing custody you could get her rights terminated and adopt him. Good luck I know how hard it is to have to deal with trying to co parent with a parent with addiction problems and how traumatizing it is for the child. My bonus girl deals with the same issues only sheâs technically our niece but sheâs definitely our baby girl. Biology doesnât make a parent love and doing whatâs best for a child does.
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Yes, you CAN petition for her right to be terminated, but it all depends on the courts whether or not they will actually do it. Contact a lawyer for this situation. I personally would not allow her back into the childâs life if the child is not comfortable with it. Let her threaten court, SHEâS going to have to take parenting and drug classes and if she has a hard time with follow through and isnât serious, she will fail.
As a step mother going through almost the exact same thing except she never goes away. Itâs hard, we have had court involved the entire time. Absolutely 100% call a family lawyer and have him/her ready. Not sure what state you live in but the child does not always have a say despite what other people say. Our son is also 12 now and Iâve raised him since 4 years old. Court will still not let him speak at 12!! Itâs very frustrating. My advice is to have a family lawyer ready and have his counselor write a letter to court (if court actually happens.) Have the counselor express your sons concerns, his wishes and his feelings about the situation. It will help you. Court can be tough unless you have a judge that sees through narcissism and selfishness.
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He is 12 he is old enough to make his decision donât force him⊠he will resent you⊠Iâm 4 years sober but unfortunately I burnt bridges I canât build back⊠and my oldest child was hurt very much by this ⊠My son has never seen me use⊠but he remembers me going to jail and stuff I had to work hard to build his trust back⊠But I had to wait til he was ready he went to my mom alotâŠ
I believe if your husbandâs name is on the birth certificate he is considered his legal father. If heâs not ready to see his mom it wonât do her or him any good at this time.
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I would contact a lawyer and go from there. I have to say how amazing it is of you and your husband to step up and be there for your son.
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He 12 let him make up his mind if it goes to court he can tell the court his mind and why
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Why donât you adopt him ? She would definitely be out of the picture. Donât force him let her take it to court.
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Since paternity could not be established, if he willingly goes on his birth certificate the state sees him as âbiologicalâ when it comes to what rights he does and doesnât have. I would definitely not make him have a relationship with her. Heâs old enough to tell a judge who he wants to be with and the court will 100% stand behind him. Petition to terminate rights. File a temporary no contact order if needed. Thatâs what I personally would go ahead and do. You canât feel bad for her, because it sounds like sheâs going to say anything she can to try to get yâall upset to get a response so she can try to feel in control over something. I would just cut contact to give your son reassurance he doesnât have to worry about her trying to come back around. It sounds like he has enough to sort through when it comes to trauma and therapy.
I could never bring myself to force a child to see a bio parent when theyâve been absent for that long and my child wanted nothing to do with them
Please donât force him. I experienced something similar in my life and that relationship should never be forced. He clearly is shutting out the toxic and knows what best for himself to heal properly. I donât have any other advice but good luck. You seem like you are doing the right thing.
If you have full custody then she can threaten all she wants and canât do anything about it. If he does not want to then do not force it. He is old enough to make the decision. I know that legally in my state anyway if a parent goes 6 months without contact with their child the state has the right to terminate your rights completely. If he is doing well I would not allow her back in. Just ignore her. She had her time and chances.
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This is about Your Son, Not her! It would just be setting him up to get hurt again, and Again! The damage it could do to him and apparently is already because of what sheâs trying to do now, Has proven to hurt him and cause him problems. He doesnât deserve that.Heâs doing good and happy why take the chance to mess with that and his future! Damage that could be done now trying to please her could be irreversible for him⊠please do not allow this, he will loose trust and faith in the family that he loves and has raised him. Itâll never be the same again. Donât hurt him dont make him angry, that is something that could last a lifetime for him. HE did not cause these issues and shouldnât have to try to fix them. This is All on her! Her loss and her issues trying to fix herself should not reflect on you guys. Sad sheâs making it about her and her feelings. Shame on her! Even if she has changed is it worth the risk of tearing your family apart and changing the structure and love you all have and what youâve fought for.Youâve stood up for your son all of these years, he still needs that and always will. If you do this because sheâs making You feel bad that is so wrong! Your son will run and turn his feelings against you for believing in her and not standing ground for him. Heâs old enough to speak his mind and has, if he cant count on his parents that have loved and raised him then who does he have. Itâs not her!! Maybe sheâs changed and if so thatâs great. But thats not His punishment for her mistakes. When he gets older and decides down the road he would like to get to know her, then let him make that choice when He is ready. Not when it is pushed on him. Most likely be a resentful sitiation that is only going to hurt you guys. Just because she is his biological mom does not make her mom. You both are and always will be mom and dad and sounds like youâve done an amazing job. Donât stop now, stay strong smile and put your family first. Please, please trust in him and dont feel bad, I know your trying to make everyone happy. But in this situation it would only be her, and it would most likely be a short term happiness. It would never be enough, so not worth it!!! Trust your gut instincts, believe in god and why You were blessed with this amazing young man and your family. Some things are so meant to be!!! God bless you guys always and take it a day at a time 
Sending hugs to you All
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She still has parental rights. If she goes back to court you are in a bad position honestly because you are not taking steps for reunification for them. It hurts, as a parent I understand completely but at the end of the day she also is his mother. If she goes to court there is going to be reunification therapy ordered and some type of visitation even if itâs supervised with a gradual step up in parenting time. Itâs going to be on her now to prove she wants to be involved. The best thing you can do for your son is to keep him in therapy, have a GAL appointed for him via court, advocate for his mental health, and advocating for healthy safe contact with her. Because you canât fight this. She will win some contact with him if you go to court. He deserves to have all of his parents in his life. He also deserves to be healthy and safe with those parents. Itâs a fine line. But you canât shut her out if she is wanting to come back. Itâs a disservice to your son.
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Let her take yâall to court, family court is all for the best interest for the childâŠand I wouldnât worry bout dad not being bio dadâŠI mean he won custody and has taken care of baby boy since then.
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Give him a choice and listen to him. Hes 12 but im sure a lot more mature due to the traumatic events of his life. In my personal experience they never stay clean and she will disappear and disappoint him and he probably already knows that.
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Ok your probably not gunna like my answer but Iâm being honest here. It sounds like you are supporting the son not having a relationship with her over having one even though she is sober now. I understand she has made mistakes & bad decisions in the past but it is unfair for yâall not to give her the chance to make it right. I would go visit her with him once if she can pass a drug test and see where it goes. Then talk with your son after he has met and had a chance to talk with her. Of course he doesnât want a relationship with her at this point he only knows and has been told bad things. You donât want it on your conscience if you push for no relationship and it hurts him more emotionally later, plus you have to put yourself in his mothers shoes. You would be desperate for that relationship with your son too.
It seems as if heâs old enough to grasp the basics of the situation. Just support him, but also let him know that if he does want to have a relationship with her you guys are okay with that.
If she does, which most wonât because it costs money, just get a good lawyer. All will go fine. You could discuss with him the option of filing for abandonment.
Your son is old enough to separate himself from her. Meaning he can terminate her rights. Your son has rights. Abandonment rights. He is old enough to make the decision himself.
He is old enough to make the choice on his own. Donât force him to have a relationship he doesnât want
Get an attorney, a good one, get a consultation , listen to how the attorney wants to handle it, if you dont agree, dont go with that one. There is trauma, and it comes back sunbconsciously. Im dealing with this issue too, mines 8. You do have grounds to terminate for abandonnnent i think, plus childs desires. Dont be bullied by threat of court. Social Services will help her , but a judge makes the decision⊠its stressful, and im sorry yall are dealing with this .
No, why would you force him to have a relationship with her?
I would let the boy be the one who makes the decisions. I would contact a lawyer also.
He should have had her right relinquished after all those years of abandonment from mother
Donât force him. He can come to those terms with himself when heâs ready. If she brings you back to court then he can say his piece to the appointed attorney or the person who interviews him. Just remain his biggest support system and he will always gravitate towards you guys regardless. I had somewhat a similar situation where I raised a stepson (but we werenât married) from age 7-16. His mother dropped him off and never returned. I was dating his dad at the time. She was and is still on drugs. Stepson doesnât want anything to do with her. But like you said these people donât really have a leg to stand on soâŠ
DO NOT force that baby to have contact with her. Period.
She made her bed, now let her lay in it.
Donât screw up his life by letting this toxic human back in. Addicts rarely change. No court is going to listen to her and your son doesnât want her in his life.
He is old enough to choose to say what he wants
I was this child. So number one its good you were honest. Also I would suggest listening to the child yes. But donât make it to where there canât be contact in the future. He may change his mind. If you do believe bio mom is clean then let her know as of now the son is not ready and whats best is to respect that but to keep working on herself. He probably has doubts she will STAY clean (completely understandable) and if she really wants to build a relationship with him one day proving she can stay clean will be a big factor. Remind her of this. She needs to prove herself to him even when he is not around. Until he is ready (if ever) she needs to continue to work on herself. That may be the only way she can prove herself worthy of another chance to him. That can take months or years it all depends. I hope she has enough sense to understand this. And I wouldnât worry to much about the courts where she is concerned. Like you said she doesnât have much of a leg to stand on. But do try and talk to her about dragging him and yall through court can very likely cause more damage than good. I hope this helps.
Stick to what your son wants, heâs not ready to be involved with her and for good reason. She will just have to accept it, if she canât then sheâs not ready to be a part of his life.
Donât force him to talk to her if he doesnât want to. He is old enough to make that decision. Maybe when he is a little bit older he will want to talk to her. But right now is in a safe place, keep him there. If be need be beat her to the punch and go the court and ask for them to make her stop.
I wouldnât terminate her rights. In most states 12 is legally old enough to say âI donât want to visitâ. But he may change his mind and you donât want to take that option from him. The same thing happened with my son and his dad. Then his dad died and there were regrets all around.
Iâd talk with an attorney and if she has no rights Iâd let the attorney tell her to stopâŠif it were me Iâd adopt the child myself and move onâŠthis child will then in the future if heâd want to see her as an adultâŠ
Listen to your son, please.