Have any of you ladies married a man who lived a completely different lifestyle than you? If so, how do you deal with it? My husband came from a very dependent family, no rules, no cleaning, no responsibility, nothing. The mom did everything, gladly. However, they are not family oriented now. All loners. I came from a very independent family. Very strict rules, house and rooms had to be kept clean, everyone had jobs by 15 and relied on no one. My family is really family oriented. Our marriage happened so quickly but I feel like he isn’t who I thought I was going to marry. Nothing is the same, actually. I am miserable. I feel like I downgraded my lifestyle.4 Comments
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do you and your husband share the same lifestyle?
It takes some getting used to. Don’t give up or anything just yet. I grew up completely different than my husband, we are very different people and it took a while but it works, you just have to work at it.
Husbands are trainable. It just takes time and patience
Most dogs are trainable with the right trainer.
You have to figure putid you can deal with thia lifestyle. If you can’t, you are going to continue to be miserable and unhappy. Also, if you have chikdren be prepared to discipline etc alone without his involvement. Best wishes to you and be sure to prioritize YOU!
My hubby was raised by a mom who did everything for him too, but he still willingly does so much for me and the kids. He saw how little his dad did and how much his mom did and doesn’t want to be like that. He is an involved father and cooks more than I do. He can do it, but if you let him get away with nothing, he’ll keep doing nothing. Tell him what exactly you need him to do instead of waiting for him to figure it out because chances are he won’t.
Have an honest conversation.
If you feel you could be with this person if some modifications were made, it’s worth trying.
If they are this way set in stone and a deal breaker, then I say its probably worth getting a divorce or annulment.
Sometimes their true colors comes out after you get married
Bruh, “the marriage happened quickly”.
You’ve said enough lol work it out or get divorced.
Communication comprehension and kindness. You want the marriage to work you work for it every day. But if its one sides you will be miserable . You have to decide for yourself. Do you want this or not.
I’d get out and not get pregnant. You could try “training” him, but if he’s not what you expected, maybe cutting your losses is better.
His lifestyle before you shouldn’t matter. It’s his lifestyle with you that matters. If you don’t like it have him change or end it
You can’t change the way people are… they change bc they love you. So if you’re miserable now then you’re going to continue to be miserable. Maybe communicate with him about the issues or even counseling… good luck!!
This is all circumstantial and nothing to do with your respective rules as children lmao yall just do not know each other at all apparently
Depends on what you want to do. If you don’t want to waste time seeing if he will change if he is even willing then divorce. Otherwise marriage counseling and communication
My husband came from a family that isn’t family oriented and cheaper one than mine so there are disagreements between both of us. But we acknowledge the differences in the way we grew up and try to compromise.
Life is too short to be unhappy. Talk with him and if he can’t be better then you need to leave him behind and find your happy
Me and my husband are total opposite and we have managed to remain in love for 20 years 4 kids and 5 grandchildren with 1 on the way it sounds to me like you both jumped the broom to soon it takes time to truly know someone that is why I tell everyone of my friends and my son and daughter to take their time marriage is hard work every day it isn’t always sunshine and roses you get up every morning and make that conscious decision to love that person today even when you’re struggling to like them you have to have compromise and patience its not always 50 50 either its often 80 20 you are there to take up the slack for each other so maybe you should try some counseling but for you to say you downgraded your self and lifestyle sounds to me that you wasn’t near ready for marriage you sound very immature maybe talk to your partner maybe he doesn’t know how you feel truly about him not once did you say anything positive about him I think you need to be alone until you can learn to love someone for the person they are not the person you want them to be I couldn’t imagine telling my husband that he is a downgrade for me smh how hurtful is that what if he said this about you it sounds like you have a fairytale mentality how would you feel if he told you that I settled for you and I could of had better smh its time to grow up and so what you were raised differently why didn’t you know this before marriage dis you not date before hand I mean this makes no sense so the marriage happened fast and now you have buyers remorse sounds like you are a spoiled princess that didn’t get the prince you thought you were getting that is on you
I’m glad I’m not married
I swear to God I have 3 kids, but I actually only have two, get my drift?
that sounds more like your problem than his. u need to fix yourself. not him.
marraige is a couples game, u gotta talk it out
Men are good at pulling a fast one. Did you ask his mom and family this or is it just what he’s saying? Also tell him your not his momma and you expect him to clean,help out whatever . If he choose not to well divorce him because you can’t fix a person that doesn’t want it.
I wouldn’t say we came from the same lifestyle but created the lifestyle we wanted. We both had very different upbringings, but we agree on how we want to model our family and raise our children. I do not think you are required to continue living the same life you always have. Sometimes, change is good. Maybe sit down, explain what you want your lives to look like, and he should do the same. Then, meet in the middle, incorporate both of your ideas to create what you both want. This is basically what my husband and I did without really realizing we did it.
What I would do is make it clear how you must live in order to be happy. Examples: tidy home, cohesive partnership, 50-50 give-take patterns, socializing with fam/friends. If he loves you and wants all that, perfect! You can help him. If not, you have to decide to give up the marriage or live in a manner you don’t find ideal. I am praying that you follow your Higher path to being fulfilled.
How long you been married? They have to be trained…true story
Men are not DIY projects. You should have made sure he was the one you wanted. Throw him back and find a like minded man.
You didn’t know this before you married him?
The person is who you marry, if you like them. Just worry about yourself
I’m married to someone now who doesn’t share the same values, morals, or beliefs. I love him and he loves me, but it gets hard when you are a complete empath and you don’t understand why your spouse doesn’t have the same reaction.
Uh probably should have thought of all this before the marriage, the vows, the becoming one…
If you feel like that already, you should go. Seriously. If you cant3 find common ground or work it out, it’ll be a constant fight and your children will know it.
These conversations should happen before you got married, quick or not.
I’m independent. I raise my kids to be independent. Most men can’t handle that. I prefer to stay single.
Not super different but a lot of things that were different and we didn’t start noticing the extent of it until we got married, it took us a while to find a good balance and routine to life but now we’re fairly similar in the way we like things and we communicate a lot better than in the beginning of our marriage. Do a lot of talking and see if you can figure things out before giving up.
My husband and I have been together 10 years. We are polar opposite. Yet we have very similar values, work ethics.
We have had our share of up and downs. Learning to compromise and choosing what matters the most and letting go of the minimal annoyance.
You cannot change someone only they can work on themselves because they want too.
Your childhood sets you up… takes a great amount of dedication to manage the flaws.
Marriage is hard
There’s good years and not so good years.
If there’s more ups than downs and the flaws are not abusive… it’s worth fighting for.
I suggest therapy for yourself. Then once you make sense if it all maybe couples therapy
Sounds like he didnt pull a bait and switch on you, either you didnt do your due diligence or you let the passion of the moment blind you to the implications, oil and vinegar makes good dressing till you stop shakin it, then it goes back to oil and vinegar
I married this man right now he was raised by his mom mostly but some by his grandparent. His mom spoiled him on everything even cook dinner, do his laundry, and clean the house. When I started dating him and learn abt him. He work a lot and does outside work too. Since I don’t work I do mostly everything in the house like doing laundry, cooking, dishes and deal with kids but he does help with dishes, put wet clothes in dryer, he will only bake food to whatever to feed the kids. Kids enjoy that sometimes. After we had a child together he became like me to keep everything clean and organized, keep up with dishes, put everything away, I mean almost anything in the house he do and help me a lot. He said thank god for having the best wife knowing I can’t do it all alone and will not able to get anything done. He looked back and said wish he could done better and help more for his mom but she tell him don’t worry no big deal let it go he was so used to that for many years. He has changed his lifestyle from being single guy to married guy to parent with ocd. He love how we live and take care everything to last and seeing everyone is satisfied and happy is what it matters to us.
I dated a guy that was taught the woman should do everything (cook, clean, housework, laundry, maintain a job outside of the home and still have supper on the table by 5). My schedule is never set at work (I’m in retail management, so changes every day). I have been very independent growing up, where as this guy didn’t know how to start a washing machine, balance a checkbook and had to ask his dad permission if he wanted to buy something (pickup). Many red flags and I’m glad I ran when I did. Now, that’s not to say that some people can find a balance and make it work. I just didn’t want to be raising a kid and teaching him everything that he should know as an adult
If you are not happy well you know what to do.
So you didn’t know any of this before you married him?
Have you talked to him? Have an open conversation about it. Maybe he doesn’t know what to expect from you.
I’m not sure of your ages, but I know some of the older generations mothers stayed home while the dads worked and mom did everything. Granted it wasn’t like that for every household, but he may actually not know how to do any of that stuff.
Maybe you need to teach him and explain that you’d like and need his help.
Men can’t read our minds.
I had both my parents until they passed my husbands father died young.i was the oldest he was the youngest im more cautious with finances and he worries about very little.theres an age difference.allso many other differences in the way we grew up.we arent put on this planet to grow a house that mimics the one we were raised in but to grow our own.compramise share responsability give and take and you guys will be fine.
Either he’s got to step it up or there’s not reason for you to stay if ur miserable
Oh. So he just upgraded to mama 2.0. You got the raw end of that deal. He isn’t going to change. This is why married men live longer than their single counterparts and single women live longer than their married counterparts. Better to live free of that utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous how many men just want a mama they can fuck. I’ve come to the realization at how poorly men have been socialized to become partners. They aren’t taught at all how to be partners. They’re taught to get them a wife but wife means food, sex, obedience, kids (AND all the childcare), etc. while they get to go live their lives. Personally, after being married twice, I don’t ever want to live with another man again.
We have different lifestyles for sure. I was an only child and military brat moved around a lot and spent the summers with my grandparents in another state. He has 2 sisters, lives in the same county he was born in and his family is extremely close. My parents are divorced and his arent. We also have to travel 5 1/2 hours to see my family vs 20 minutes to see his.
didnt… you know this before you married him?
Do you love him?? Are you in love with him? If the answers is yes then. Then love him as he is. Or if you don’t and you think you can do better. Then leave. If you have a good man well then. Your luckier then me.
Leave, because you only live once! Dont settle if your not happy!
Try marriage counselling. If it does not work, divorce is an option.
exactly what you’re saying you did downgrade that is I was in the same situation except it was opposite
Just watch The show Hoarders with him!! That show absolutely triggers my hubby.
Yeah, that’s a headache. I was in the same boat. We have been divorced two years. I felt I was raising a 5th child. I asked for help and he threw a fit as one. We ended up not having anything in common years after. Not sure if he just put on a front or what. We was not compatible at all.
This is why it’s important to really get to know someone before the government gets involved lol
Try talking it put mabye even therapy
Find a balance in between both lifestyle if you can
Talk to him about how you feel. If he loves and respects you he will understand an actually take the time to help. If he reacts badly then leave.
why did you marry him?
I’m sure you both seen signs before you got married.But you thought you could change him. You both have to sit down and have a talk on why you got married. What goals you have in life. What your both willing to change. Talk about money management and children. Religion. These things should had been discussed before marriage. You need to grow up and make it work.
That’s not a lifestyle…that’s lazy
Sounds like you did .
This is why we get to know people before we commit to forever with them.
It’s hard to adjust to newly married life. You’re going to have to build the life and family you want. You’ll have to plan family dinners and your family may look different than you thought it was going to look. It may include only some people from each side of your families and it may include more friends that become family.
My husband and I are night and day but the biggest thing we have in common is how much love we have for our child and each other so everything else works out. I take little interest in his soccer he takes little interest in my dog shows. It’s ok to not share the same passions but it’s not ok to just be a slob or pig and have no respect for your SO.
Jobs at 15 when was this 1920
I’m not sure how long you’ve been married. Do you have other interests together? Like movies, going out to eat, traveling? Focus on that instead of dwelling on the things he doesn’t do.
Tell him not a bunch of strangers.
That’s why people need to take more time before getting married… people jump into marriage like it’s nothing and it shows
If the issue is limited to cleaning, hire a housekeeper. But I’m guessing that intimacy is also an issue. You’re going to have to work that out together, perhaps in couples counseling. Start by having date nights.
Maybe you shouldn’t make permanent decisions relying on your emotions. That’s now how life works. You don’t value this person, you don’t really think it’s for better or for worse, for richer or poorer. Sounds like the dude downgraded, you sound like a spoiled child. Like, why did you even get married? Maybe do the guy a favor and leave him, let him know. He’ll find someone who actually values him. You’re just wasting both of your time.
But do you actually love him and want to be with him?? If so then finding a balance and understanding between the 2 of you and making a common goal is important. If not, then let him be him and move on.
I wouldn’t worry about how your all’s separate family’s were raised and oriented just focus on how you guys raise yours. Breaking the cycle is sometimes the best thing you can do
Sooooo what exactly is the problem? The way you were raised? You’re not saying what he has done or not done to you
That’s laziness, honestly. I came from semi-clean, strict, ridged upbringing and he came from a mom did everything and he did whatever he wanted. He’s cleaner than I am, but, that doesn’t mean I don’t clean and pick up after myself. So, I really don’t think that has anything to do with his upbringing.
You did downgrade. Get out of there. You can’t live like that.
You two need to talk to each other and meld your lifestyles together. Maybe do it with a counselor if your su able to speak clearly to one another. You both are going to have negatives from the different ways your grew up that you’ll need to overcome when you make a new family unit.
Your settling. Get out and make yourself happy
So what exactly is the issue? All you’ve stated is how you each were raised. Big lesson to be learned you should get to know someone before you get married.
Love is blind…and marriage us the cure
I’ve been with my current partner 8 years now. We don’t live together. We both have very different lifestyles, I’m social / he isn’t. Family is a big one for me / not him. His interests are nowhere near mine nor alike. Our relationship works as we love each other and we communicate. I’m happy not to live in someone pocket. We make time for each other 2 nights / days a week. Will add we both have children from previous relationships so we also have them in our own schedules and both work demanding jobs. End of the day; if you want it, you’ll find a way.
YES! I’m living it now and it’s frustrating and I cry alot and it sucks cause he has 2 traits I’ve always wanted in a man and couldn’t find it till now…but how much can you take honestly no matter how much you love them
You need to talk about it see if you can meet somewhere and if he doesn’t want to don’t give up your values to be miserable.
Careful you’ll become what you married…or become so over it…that you leave…
Talk to him about what you both expect of the marriage and each other, and divide things up the way it makes the most sense for both of you.
If you’re struggling with deciding or maintaining the division of labor, see a counselor to help you through it. Meet weekly to reevaluate how things are going and modify as needed, with the counselor at first, then just the two of you.
If after six months, there’s no agreement/improvement, and it’s not working for either of you, then split up.
Did either of you live on your own before getting married? It’s something you need to be able to do no matter what your circumstances are. If you haven’t, I suggest living apart on your own for a few months. Once you have to live with your own dirty laundry/dishes/apartment and having to feed yourself on a budget week after week you appreciate having help.
Try talking things over and if that doesn’t work then leave
If you don’t have children, and you haven’t invested a lot of your life, you may want to cut your losses, and find someone who is better compatible to you.
this is exactly why you don’t get married until 5/6 years into dating someone. the longer the better, period. by the 4/5th year you actually know the person you’re with. you DO NOT know any person until living with them for over 4 years.
stop getting married and having children with people you don’t even know, bc ifyou did this, waited, you wouldn’t have made this post, bc you would’ve left him now seeing how lazy, and irresponsible he is
stop getting married after 2/3 years and stop having children with people until it’s been a while bc now your regretting everything
just bc “you love them” doesn’t mean it’s time to get married or have children
Why are you married ? These seem like things you knew prior to getting married so im unsure why marriage was even a thought for you guys? Seems like you got married to get divorced… on purpose?
I guess it will depend on your husband’s response to your distress…You may have to evaluate your life choice and make another one…
I would talk about it and if you feel you both just aren’t on the same page then I would leave. It happens sometimes, you just grow apart or realize you’re both very different. It’s all part of life. I hope you find what makes you happy
try therapy , move on. Happiness is not overrated.
Unfortunately I’m going through a separation because of this being a major issue and I’ve had someone recently question me on this.
While you may have been raised a certain way, that does not define how you NEED to live now. These are learned traits and us as humans have a really hard time unlearning certain habits and behaviors. The both of you are struggling with this and I guarantee it. Him with being cleaner, and you with cleaning.
Compromises, and letting go of the control is the only thing that is going to help the both of you.
If this isn’t something you’re willing to compromise on, then you need to give him time to relearn, or let him go.
This is an incredibly hard journey to accomplish with a partner.
My husband grew up in the Amish community. The women did all the housework and the house was never messy.
My family is from Chicago, moved to Wisconsin when I was 6. So we had completely different lives growing up. So there was an immense amount of cultural things he had to get used to when he left. It took many years to sort it all out and for him to get over such things as men’s work and women’s work… cuz that sure wasn’t gonna fly with me. He met a girl that at first didn’t really like to cook, played ice hockey and wasn’t exactly the best housekeeper when I was young so I sure wasn’t picking up after his ass. Lol.
That was 22 years ago. We have learned to work together mostly since then. But it wasn’t without many battles.
Compromise and communicate
My husband and I have different upbringings. Neither grew up with really “strict” rules but he had a mother who was unable to work medically so she did A LOT of the housekeeping. When he and his siblings were well into teenage years (17, 18, 19 ish) sometimes she would go over the road with his dad in the semi. My husband automatically became the head of the house. So he had a lot of responsibility but he didn’t at the same time. When I was growing up, we had chores and were told to keep our rooms clean but nothing really “strict” there either. It doesn’t sound like a lot of difference honestly but it enough to make it challenging at times.
Our biggest issue comes from parenting styles and house keeping. It’s just minor little things really. Sometimes money is an issue (he grew up SUPER poor, we grew up with enough to get by and just an itty bit extra…not much. But much better lifestyle than he had). It’s taken us about 5 years to figure out how to communicate the little issues with parenting and about 7 years on money issues. We’ve been together for 9 years. It does seem like it took awhile but this is with our effective communication. We used to argue about it a lot. Now we’ve learned how to talk more about it rather than argue.
It’s been a journey for sure but like many others have said, it’s about communication and really putting in a good amount of work (depending on the level of severity in difference).
I really thought it would break us shortly after our 2nd baby but after what seems like forever, I think we’re starting to figure it out.
Me and my husband are very different. It takes communicate and work. We don’t always agree but we talk when we are not happy and make it work.
You gotta find someone with a sense of adventure. The way you’re stating your husband sounds like me, but I wanted do more to life than do what is needed to do. I did have a roommate that was exactly the same way you explained your husband, but we split our ways because he was stealing the joy out of me. He was happy to see me when we encountered in reality again, but wasn’t sure why he was blocked on Instagram when he blocked me on Facebook. Jumping social media platforms doesn’t change our world, it changes the sand in our vagina.
My husband says that he “married the girl from the other side of the tracks…”
His parents expected some things out of him & his brother (cleaned rooms, some chores, etc…) , but by the time they were teens they pretty much did their own thing like his parent just sorta gave up trying to make them do stuff.
I was raised how you were… strict, chores, expectations, etc…
I’ve always sorta been the black sheep of the family tho even tho I did what what expected of me while growing up, so in that aspect I know what family closeness is but I also don’t spend a lot of time around my relatives. For a number of years they didn’t agree with my lifestyle as far as being with my now husband of 19 yrs. My marriage has definitely had plenty of frustrating moments as far as him not being “family oriented”… we have 4 kids and I’ve pretty much have run the whole show…
I can say… these men can be “trained”… it just takes a lot of patience and time and probably A LOT of arguments!
Our kids are now 22, 21, 16 & 13… while he doesn’t spend a whole lot of one on one time with our kids, I make sure to plan plenty of family gathering with our adult kids included and outings with our youngest 2 in order to have him be there. If there’s an opportunity for a kid to spend one on one with their dad, I just make him do it or tell the kids to go join dad while he’s working on the cars, fixing things, etc if they want to spend some time with him.
He for the most part cleans up after himself, he will help me around the house now when I ask, but to assume that he will take a hint, that will never happen.
Any ways… there are ways to get your man to be more involved… it may just take some creativity, time & patience… and a lot of arguing and forgiveness
Don’t give up just yet… he may need you more than you need him. I always tell my husband that I want him, chose him, but I don’t need him! And if can’t do the things I would like for him to do or treat me the way I deserve, then I can do those things on my own… I don’t have to threaten often, but it definitely helps him to put things in perspective…
Men who don’t clean up after themselves and do 50% of the house chores are completely useless to a woman. There’s no reason for such entitled behavior, it’s such a turn off.