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QUESTION:
"I’m getting married to my partner soon and we have a 2-year-old daughter together. My partner has a 11-year-old daughter and he has her full custody. The daughter’s mom is a drug addict and never contacted her for years. My partner works a lot, as in a LOTTT, from morning until evening because he has 2 businesses so it means I am the one taking care of the house and the kids full-time. I always put them first before me. I just realized that my stepdaughter has this so-called, “Mini Wife Syndrome”. Some signs that my stepkid has mini wife syndrome are:
•Sense of entitlement that she should always take first place in her dad’s life.
•Constant attention-seeking behavior to maintain that position
•Control-seeking behavior, such as creating her own household rules.
•Engages in “flirty” behavior with her dad, like fawning or excessive baby talk.
•Competitive with me, including competing for physical affection
•Using physical affection to monopolize her dad, such as constantly clinging to and climbing on him.
•She’s always expecting of being included in adult decision-making
•Expectation that her opinions & preferences should carry the same weight as adults in the household.
•“Parenting” her own Dad & me— telling us what to do or not do.
•Making 1-on-1 plans with her Dad that deliberately exclude me.
You may Google it for more info. I am also trying my very best on how to make my stepdaughter feel loved and not to make her think that I am competing with her. That I see her also as my own daughter yet it’s so hard to be in this situation and trying my best to fix these behaviors. But obviously, I can’t. I know I have to seek help from a family therapist. Should I talk about this “Mini Wife Syndrome” to my partner? I’m so worried that he might be offended about this yet I am really struggling and feel like an outsider in our family. Please help me. I feel so helpless."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"He will take offense. I would get her a therapist and have them decide and tell your husband. Then it’s not on you."
"No, she misses her dad because he’s never home. You’re making normal behavior sound super creepy. Stop that."
"Oh my gawd, she’s a fucking daddy’s girl. Don’t be dramatic. How long have yall been together?? Obviously she’s been an only child most of her life and had all the attention. Now he’s getting married and has another child. Of course she is going to act up. And telling her daddy she has mini wife syndrome because you Google her actions instead actually getting a licensed therapist to diagnose her will most definitely offend him. What the fuck is wrong with you?? Sounds like you’re jealous of a little girl."
"I couldn’t ever get in between my children and their Dad, that’s their relationship and it’s always going to be different than the relationship I have with them. Shame on you for being jealous of your partners relationship with his child and yes he should put her first. I still have a lot of resentment towards my mom for marrying a drug addict who tried to kill her 2 years ago, im 36."
"So let me get this straight. Her father is never home. Her mother didn’t want her. Of course she’s going to cling to her dad when he is around. He’s all she has. And honestly, some of the stuff you described is normal 11 year old behavior. She’s entering her teenage years. She’s going to start acting like a teenager."
"I think you should talk to your husband,see how he feels about family therapy. Therapy would help you all in making adjustments into a new family. Give your new step daughter time and love and patience."
"She honestly sounds like she has lacked a lot of control in her life, and that her dad has been something consistent. He’s clearly very busy and maybe she just misses him? Instead of making everything inappropriate, maybe find a way to help fill the need she is trying to express. Does dad do stuff with her individually often? If not, maybe he should look into doing something with her alone once a week. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting quality alone time with her dad. Try to include her in decisions that are reasonable, such as planning dinner, family outings, what movie to watch etc. When it comes to harmless stuff like this, her opinion should be equal to the adults if possible. If it’s not, provide 2-3 options so she still feels like she has some control."
"Maybe you could go to a therapist and get some direction around this. Before you start diagnosing a child. She’s absolutely entitled to make plans with her dad. If it’s been the 2 of them for most of her life it’s wild to me that you think she needs to adjust. Maybe you need to have a look at why your so jealous. Get over yourself. That’s his baby I sure hope she comes before you."
"You’re kidding right. This is normal. If you see her wanting her dad’s attention as flirty you have issues. I’m in the field. Also the fact you use the word competing worries me for this child. It’s not a competition. She is first and always will be and should be. Yes she needs therapy so she can cope with trauma of her mother not wanting her. But that’s it. She’s allowed to want her dad, she’s allowed to live him and show him affection."
"Sounds like you might want to look into therapy for yourself. To work on the feeling helpless and outsider in your family. My husband works a lot. My 5 year old misses him. Add to that an attention seeking and clingy personality.
You’re taking normal kid behavior and trying to make it something weird to make yourself feel better. If you decide to talk to your fiancé, I’d do it about your feelings and not how you think the child is behaving like a mini wife."
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