Getting your self back after having children?

My husband and I where talking and he was telling me how he “felt like he lost someone after I had kids” he mentions how it has changed me and he completely understands the process and why I am a different person now & I know exactly what he is talking about …I told him it’s just life we have 3 humans that we need to care for now so I’m not exactly stress free like I was when my husband and I first started dating. But I mean part of me does miss that girl , the one that loved her self , the more confident one, the one that wasn’t so snippy and angry all the time , after having kids my anxiety went up and I started to understand life in a whole other way but part of me wishes I could be that girl that wasn’t so cranky all the time. I don’t want to be viewed as the cranky mom. I do see a therapist weekly but it doesn’t seem to help much.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Getting your self back after having children? - Mamas Uncut

He should have grown up also, with 3 children. You didn’t get them by yourself.

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People change over time, life experiences and as they get older. It’s not realistic to expect to stay the same. It’s ok and normal. However if you are not happy with yourself then of course that’s something you should work on. But I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and just work on yourself and take some time away for you.

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Having kids is so hard especially on mom’s. I am a single mom to three and I am snippy, tired and cranky 85 percent of the time. I love my tiny humans but you lose yourself in the process of caring for others. Maybe take some time to yourself. Invest in you. Make yourself feel better about yourself. That usually helps me feel better. Even if it’s just buying myself some new clothes. That’s my me time. And what I get to do to tend to myself. You matter momma

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Moming is hard! Give yourself lots of Grace and don’t forgot to fill up your cup sometimes because you can’t fill other’s if yours is empty :black_heart:

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They need to realize and admit they have changed too! Maybe you should give him a list!!

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It takes time but you will begin to love who are becoming. One day at a time. Don’t live in the past. We don’t live there anymore. Be kind to yourself.

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Change therapists if you aren’t happy with the help you’re receiving.

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Being a parent changes you, I know I’ve changed alot and I’m s single mother of one. All that you’ve mentioned above I feel like you speaking about me. I used to be bubbly, full of energy and very out going now I’m just the opposite. I love my little one I wouldn’t change that for the world, but I guess that’s part of life

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Girl!! I feel this on SO many level! I now have a tone that I don’t realize I have but apparently I use it without noticing. I get a 3 hour mental break away from my kids a week (kids with grandma) and people comment how different I am meaning relaxed and anxiety free! We as moms take on so much with children that we love them to death but damn some days are mentally exhausting and draining. Motherhood changes us. We feel that we serve 18 years raising up our children and in return neglecting our bodies, our mental health and so on. By the time the kids go to bed we’re in bed shortly after. Take time for your mental health! You NEED you time. Weather it’s taking a bath, getting your nails/hair done, reading a book or just taking a 30 minute uninterrupted shower we need some space for ourselves every now and again. :pray:t3: this motherhood thing ain’t no joke!

I could of wrote this word for word.

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I get what he’s saying and also you. I’m in the same situation…I don’t think your husband meant anything bad, your whole lives completely change when you have children…I’ve never personally met anyone with kids, that didn’t miss all those things.
I’m currently pregnant with number 3, not planned, was on birth control…so it kinda made it hard on both of us, as we were just not prepared for it, and I was finally starting to work on myself…
Head up…take some time for YOU…and try and find a way for you and your husband to have some alone time…either going out, staying in…anything but just the 2 of u.

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I think it’s the men who give you anxiety not the kids for always wanting you to be who you were before you had them, walking on egg shells ide call it :worried:

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This is going to sound crazy but, vitamins have helped me.
Ashwagandha is for stress. Also mood. Calming.
Niacin is for nerves. And cholesterol. :joy:.
Magnesium will calm you and help sleep. Take it at night
Prim rose oil is for pms and mood.
I hope this helps. There is more vitamins that also help but,maybe this will get you started. You’ll be amazed and so will he. I think he’s proud of you, and worries about you because he sees your over doing it I hope he realizes your a team and he can help. I used to tell my husband. " You can run a bath or watch the dinner so it doesn’t burn". “Your choice.”. I can’t do everything. He would jump up and help. He would also apologize for not realizing I was overwhelmed. Give it a try. Maybe he’ll jump up for you as well. I pray he does. God bless.

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What’s changed is he is no longer getting your undivided attention bc you now have 3 small humans that need to be cared for. Motherhood changes you bc those 3 babies, rely on you from sun up to sun down, to meet their needs.

Does he chip in? Is he an active father? Do you spend time as a family and then make time for just him and you? That’s most important. Even if it’s watching a show together and catching up on the day after the kids are in bed.

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I feel this way all too often.

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I can definitely relate

I am so sorry!
I know that it seems like it is the hardest time of your life but 15 years from now they are going to be the best memories of your life.
Believe me.
Children grow up to be adults on their own and won’t call you as often.
:broken_heart::dove:

:sunglasses::innocent:

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Your litterally not the same person … 3 kids or not stressed or not pregnancy and mainly child birth chemically changes your brain chemistry forever. Your mentally not the same

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Maybe talk to your doctors about getting on some meds for your anxiety? My mom has really bad anxiety and started taking meds after she had me. I was too young to remember but my older brother does. He said the change was night and day, she was less moody and snapped over small things a lot less.

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Yes mine has said that too . Say ok then I’ll go join a gym , you babysit . Go shopping get new clothes , look after you xx

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Give yourself a break, sis. Your husband (and all other men in long term, committed relationships, with children together with their spouses) needs to take the long term view. Men need to be prepared for the transitions (personality, brain chemistry, physically, emotionally) that are NECESSARY for a woman to be the best wife & mother possible for the strength of their household. I wish more father’s would teach their sons this. Their sons enter marriage completely unprepared & clueless :woman_facepalming:t4: I also wish more women would talk to their daughters and let them know they don’t have to stress so much & feel like the home has to be perfect… The kids DO grow up. You get to enjoy each others company again. The stress of life should bring you both together & not tear you apart.

“For life” is a very long time so care for each other through every season :heart:

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He sucks. You are cranky cause I bet you get no help. And he forgot how to love you today. Not little sexy you from 3 kids ago. I hate men that refuse to grow up accordingly.

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U dont need therapy u need a week holiday with ur hubby in the sun. :heart_eyes: AND NO KIDS.,just u and hubby. And late morning lie ins. Breakfast by a pool. Just a break for you both :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Damd if u do. Damd if u don’t!!? Be a great mum an lack in being a lover an they will complain ur not enough !! Be a good lover an neglect ur kids ur a bad mum. Men really need to understand how much we go thru

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Does he spend time with the kids by himself sometimes let him find out it’s not easy

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He sounds a little selfish

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I can never stress the importance of seeing the right therapist.
If this one isn’t working, the methods aren’t right for you.
There was one therapist since the age of 12, that I worked with that taught me that.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is try to find a new therapist. Its a lot of work but it’s worth it!

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People change. Period. It’s part of healthy development. Of course I’m not the carefree 22 year old my husband met and fell for, or the childless 30 year old that stayed up all night drinking and playing video games. We change, as we should. Being a parent is stressful especially when unsupported by our spouse and expected to just be who we were pre children. He should be seeing a therapist as well. He needs to understand that things and people change. Good on you for doing therapy. I hope you do find some stress relief and happiness.

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Its like i wrote this myself…

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Getting your self back after having children? - Mamas Uncut

It was the same way with me and my husband I’m a stay at home mom of 4 11 9 3 and a one year old son. It is very stressful but what we do is one night every other week we Find a sitter for a couple of hours and go on a date just the two of you and let it be like old times I love my kids but I’m cranky everyday saying no don’t do that etc but you can’t forget about your husband as well…try it everyone deserves a date night good luck hun

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Maybe it’s the therapist. If it doesn’t seem to be helping then you might need to find a different therapist, it can be a process to connect with the right one. Can also try doing things that you use to love to doing pre kids to destress some as well

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They do give meds to help you not be so cranky ask them about it they would be happy to help you, a your whole family would love it more so would your man it’s hard on them to here us all the time be cranky

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Getting your self back after having children? - Mamas Uncut

Maybe try taking a weekend for yourselves. Get that spark back. It’s a little hard now due to covid, but I mean I think you guys need to go on a date. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy. You could leave the kids with grandparents and have the house to yourselves, dress up nicely and make a at home date. You said you miss your confident self, so why not get out of your comfort zone and get yourself a sexy lingerie, spice things up in the bedroom, your husband will appreciate it, and believe me he will be drooling :heart: you guys have got to find some time for yourselves.

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Just don’t have kids :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Getting your self back after having children? - Mamas Uncut

How much does Mr husband do around the home to help reduce your stress? Is he upset because he’s not the center of attention? (unfortunately some men really do think the world does or should be all about them). Is he just horny and annoyed that you two can’t just do it spontaneously all the time?

Does he understand that being a partnership means having to grow and change. That, absolutely, kids are going to change your mentality and physical being.

Searching for your past self isn’t going to help, because she doesn’t know what you know now.

Also when a person says “you’ve changed” means that the change just wasn’t in their favour. Just be you, he knows where the door is if he doesn’t like it :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Everyone changes after having kids … its called being responsible for someone helpless.
I was carefree before mine, but that changed when I gave birth & I welcomed the change. My ex didn’t, & that’s part of the reason I left him - because he was still putting himself first.
You might want to see that a lot of the problem isn’t you, & that your husband needs therapy as well as parenting classes so he shapes up, or ship him out.
Your kids need to be raised in a stable loving home, and ATM it doesn’t sound like one

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How much does he help? Often times men move on to the next carefree woman because they don’t put in the work in their current relationship. If you and him miss you being more carefree then he needs to shoulder some of the kid stresses and you both can be on a level playing field that allows you both time to be patents and time to be lovers.

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If only momma is feeling “changed”, daddy need to dive deeper into parenting. Having a baby can and should change both partners, there’s a continuum that comes from becoming responsible for raising a human.

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U need to take time out for yourself, and if hubby supports u trying to find yourself, he will need to step up more with the kids and take a load off… u will never become the person u use to be cause u are still growing with your little ones, but as they get older, u will become a better version of you. I promise xx

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I’ve found the only way I got myself back was to fully throw myself into me time. As a single mother it has been tough. But I am lucky that he goes to his dads one night a fortnight and I get the evenings to myself. Perhaps if you were to get some you time you could have some “us” time with your man. Perhaps recreating some of the best date memories you have after the littles are in bed. It doesn’t have to be long… and I realise you may have tidying up too do… but there’s no time like the present and the dishes and cleaning can wait. If you want her back… figure out a way to make it happen.

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I’m in the same situation. I don’t see a therapist but it did cross my mind recently when I felt like I had no one to talk too.

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Do some self love like getting your hair done getting a pedicure just something for yourself and make sure you do date nights as stressful as it it is to organise just you need to do it not only for your relationship but for you so that you can feel like something other than just a mum and wife xx

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Therapy doesn’t work overnight, you are in the right path.
The anger may be a form of grief for the person who you think you lost.
But remember to keep her alive and make sure to take time for yourself as well as couple time, even if it’s a few minutes each day.
If you are a person of faith, 15 minutes of prayer in the early morning does wonders.
Best wishes to you!

How does having kids affect your confidence and love for yourself. You can have both when you have kids. Have to have some “me “time to work on those things though whether it’s the way your body has changed maybe you need time to yourself to exercise and de stress. The stress part doesn’t really go away until they are older I suppose. When you have kids you can’t just decide not to cook dinner for the week or get up at a reasonable time but you can make changes where you can to help things

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I definitely changed too because the responsibility of being a mom can be so overwhelming. I became this person that was all for my kids and did everything for my daughter… if you are missing your old self stand up for her. Take care of her! Let your partner play a bigger role in parenting. I struggled because my partner was a great dad but a terrible partner in parenting. I confronted the issue s surrounding it, got therapy for my ppd, and started taking time to myself to do things that I liked. Alone time was a big deal for me, so I scheduled it. I’m still a work in progress but I am much happier.

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I’ve had 3 brain surgeries, 7 weeks of radiation, 2 brutal trials and multiple hospital stays in the last 5 years. I have been grieving my old self. I don’t have the strength to even go grocery shopping let alone all the hiking and go on all the adventures we went on before. The guilt is heavy. My husband is amazing. He’s taken such good care of me but I wish he didn’t have to do that. I’ll trade you.

Hold yourself in a positive light! You are worth everything beautiful in life. You bring love in to the world and will receive it as well. If I may, look into positive psychology, if you haven’t before. It may be of benefit. Just don’t forget, you are loved, you are worthy, you are beautiful, and dammit you are strong and YOU GOT THIS!! Now go stare in the mirror and repeat that out loud!

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I applaud him for speaking up about how he feels. Most time the man and or woman wont say anything and situations get worse. He’s understanding but that doesnt mean he gets to grasp the concept like you do because of body change with hormones and your views. If your seeking therapy maybe broaden the angle or include him in a session. Dont know much without detail but Maybe that once a week needs to be for yall instead? I think almost every momma gets that way. Mom of 2, a 8 yr & 2yr boy. I dont take selfies and boost myself or get to do the things the way i want them done( crank up the music with a empty house to clean lol) that doesn’t happen often at all. Things will be different especially as they grow older. Just remember you are worthy and beautiful. To trust your partner and talk to them.

Have you got any family/ friends that would take the kids for a day or two?? Try your hardest to get away for one two nights just you and your husband…feel like that girl again and enjoy each other…it’s not always do able but if you can twice a year it just makes a huge difference xx

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Love yourselves and be patient I’ve been told after having a child… it takes roughly 8 years to regain normality. With two of my own I’m waiting cause I’m almost there

Keep on keeping on. The kids will grow up and leave home one day. You will never stop worrying about them every day of your life. A good marriage is worth fighting for but you both need the fight for it and work on it! Good luck

I think you need to have a little more faith in yourself, your parenting, your husband and his parenting. Try to sit with yourself for a bit and try to pinpoint why you are stressed and anxious.

Parenting can definitely be scary but you have to know that at the end of the day you’re going to be OK it seems you have a husband who cares and loves you so you’re not alone in your battle there is two of you and you guys have each other‘s back‘s things won’t be easy all the time every once in a while money might run short but just know that you’re human and things will be OK it’s not over til it’s over just hang in there and keep strong

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Try self love. I was the same way. I went through many therapist until I found one that fit. Also I meditate.

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If you feel your therapist is not helping you you should see another one. It my take a few to in’s the right one for you

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If possible maybe have a date night once a week or once a month. Have someone watch the kids and go spend time just you and your husband. Go out to eat or see a movie. Have a girls night out if possible with some of your friends. Or go do something nice for your self. A mom myself I find that spending time with my husband without the kids just us spending time together having fun helps relieve some stress. We like to go fishing. And having just a hr or 2 to myself helps with stress and helps me focus on myself. I picked up a couple hobbies. And find something that you can do as a family.

This is very very normal and then ypur children grow and leave the nest if your lucky and then its back to the 2 of you and you dont know what to do. Try and take time out for the both of you as when you get to where your kids gone you might find you have nothing in common or you just talk about kids all the time.

My little girl was exclusively breast fed for the first 7 weeks and would only take Tommy tippee dummies, she still does x

Don’t let the narrative in your head, ie the plan or an idea, circumvent actual life. It’s is like go as little but with the flow

You need to tell your therapist its not meeting needs or expectations. Maybe she is headed in a direction you dont need, or need something else. Or see another one. Therapy shouldn’t be this forever on going thing.
Can you get a weekly sitter oso you and hubby have alone time? We used to grocery shop and then out to dinner. Or what ever but you owe yourselves time with each other.

You won’t come back until they are all grown up and out of the house. Then you will be back to normal.

perhaps it’s time to choose a different path to wellness. Some suggested options:
a different therapist
yoga
meditation
journaling
“I don’t want to be VIEWED as the cranky mom” start there, contemplate how you would like to view YOURSELF? What do YOU miss about yourself that you would like to re-ignite?
: How about date night with your husband? Thank him for being open and honest in sharing with you his feelings of missing you!
To paraphrase Dali Lama
“You have a problem and there is no solution? then you have no problem. You have a problem and there is a solution(s) you have NO problem”. You are reaching out to this forum so it sounds as though you’re wanting and ready for some change or inner growth. Find your “barriers” to that and know you can overcome them. Fear is often at the top of the list.
Signed,
Speaking from Experience

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Ok some of you have completely twisted what the original poster is trying to get at, there’s no reason to bash the husband?

Mothering is an entire different phase of life, and it starts from pregnancy with the physical changes, hormones etc… Once the baby is born you will worry every single day for the rest of your life. You think differently than you used to and you build your life around your children. That “girl” inside of you is still there it’s just that she’s a mom now with more responsibilities. As far as being cranky, raising kids can definitely be exhausting but trust me when I tell you it’s the most rewarding experience and it goes by faster than you realize. You have to make and take time for yourself and your spouse as well. Before you know it, your kids will be grown, and you and your husband will have way more alone time than you thought you ever wanted.

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Ask yourself how much did it change him?

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And HE didn’t change? WTH?

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It changes every woman. There’s no way you’ll ever be the same and it should have changed him as well .

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I am in exactly the same situation. I also see a therapist. It’s hard work. You lose your whole identity as a person when you become a mother; then, you’re only known as “Mummy”! Xx

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Uhh didn’t you both have kids?? It wasn’t just you that had the kids, it was both of you. Is he pulling his weight??

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Life changes when you have children. If he says its just you that has changed then he hasn’t fully comprehended that he is a father yet…

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I think Mr husband sits on the couch and sips his beer, while angry mommy is vacuuming and ironing at the same time, while she is feeding the smallest one. This is what pops in my mind.

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level down the stress source

I think the husband needs to see the doctor about a little blue pill for the middle aged men and then see the wife alone for the next 4 hours until they both feel 18 again. If you know what I mean. Sure the husband could probably do without it. But… why not make it easy all around at your age and go for gold? :man_shrugging:t2::joy: that might help with some of that anger. :wink:

We all feel like this I think.!!

Not omce was mentioned what he does.or doesn’t do
All u women need to pull ya heads in and read the post for what it is.
My woman works and I take care of the kids. My mrs says the same thing that I’ve changed. I’m no longer happy and spontaneous.
Like bitch please im up at 4am every morning iwith our kids while u sleep on till 9am and then go straight to work. Your no longer my priority. The kids are. . No I dont wanna fuck qt 9pm cause all I wanna do is sleep so I’m not an asshole at 4am being cranky cause ny woman wanted her hole filled with cum which digs into my sleep time (recovery from the day before time) .

Watch this it might make you feel better :sparkling_heart:

No butterfly ever wishes to become a catapilar again!

Fuck your husband, you’re a mom … frickin idiot…he is …

Tracy Gabrielle Lopez Pajes same

Why doesn’t men feel anything except losing someone to make them feel better, did they carry another human for nine months

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LOL :joy: Reason #1millionand1 of why not to have kids :joy: Close your legs or better off wear protection, get on BC for life and you’re set. No annoying brats to clutter your life!!!

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I started wellbutrin bt a month ago it has helped soo much

When you catch yourself nagging or being grumpy or stressing over things that really don’t matter…count to 10, then make yourself laugh for 30 seconds…go outside and look at the sky…simple stuff gets results

Not sure if you are still taking birth control but for me my hormones were off honestly once I did that it has made things so much better.

People calling the husband selfish however it just sounds like they are communicating. Other posts people respond with talk to your husband/partner. He probably saw her stressed so much at her breaking point and was like what can we do to get you back. It’s sounds like communication to me. She didn’t say anything negative about him.

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Every other year we do a week vacation just us but we also try to do date nights as well. Your not just mom and dad your husband and wife too. That has really helped with stress. Find time to decompress on your own as well. I just got back from a weekend away with my mom. My husband stay with the kids. It was his turn 2 months before. We all need a little me time every once in awhile.

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Yeah I feel you here. I miss the me that used to look forward to dressing up because I have date or doing stuff that makes me feel great. I’m home except for when I do grocery shopping and errands so I don’t dress up for that. It gets down and depressing sometimes

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I have been in therapy for years and years and this past year I’ve begun firing them, a lot! I feel as if most of what I see is them just filling their time slots while I’m willing, ready and waiting to learn and put the work in to change these issues within myself. Your therapist should be hitting your goals with you! No discussion, they should be doing whatever that takes, whatever works for you, and keep going until they find it. If they aren’t then look for a new one, and another new one if you don’t feel that one does it either. Another good tool I’ve found is support groups and even these classes off of fb. It doesn’t matter what gets you there as long as you’re growing and being angry doesn’t sound long term healthy imo. I had the same issues and I just knew I didn’t want to live my whole life feeling that way

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I feel this. So much changes after having kids and men don’t understand.

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I told my husband this and he like do what you have to to make sure you happy. Self care is important and I have a 10 yr old and 21 month old and I feel this I do miss the person I was but I also know the women I am today doesn’t even compair who I was before kids. Our worlds do change we have to make sure the tiny human survival is 100% before anything else

Therapist are people — and sometimes people don’t jive — or they have an approach that doesn’t work. You CAN and SHOULD switch therapists if you feel it is doing no good. Also I would talk to your therapist and say this isn’t helping. They may have other techniques or can offer an informed conversation about medication.

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For me- I have to dissect my anger. When I feel myself getting short and snippy, I think to myself “what’s the root cause of this anger?” Is it my kids are making a mess, or my husband didn’t do something I asked? Once I figure out where my anger is coming from I stop being so snippy and short. It’s what works for me. But also- if you feel like your therapist isn’t working, make the switch girl. Your therapist will help you find ways to work on you.

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Sounds like you’re depressed and you’re not giving you any attention :disappointed: exercise because energy creates energy, it also releases chemicals in the brain that help with depression. Walking is a great time to clear your mind. It’s always hard to balance being a mom and being a sexual human being.

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Well people change but the cranky you can try delta 8. It will make you fail a drug test for thc but it definitely helped me. I don’t have to take my emergency meds anymore and I’m even able yo work now.

You have to start being more positive. Yes, things are different now. Your life isn’t stress free anymore, but take it from someone who had there kids living with there dad for a few months. You will miss the hell out of them. It will feel like a part of your soul is gone. Having kids changes you and there isn’t a way to go back because the person you were before is gone. She became better more evolved and more mature. What y’all could do is simply go on dates. Make sure your hubby is helping you around the house and with the kids. Go pick a hobby that’s just yours and set aside time just for you to do that hobby. Write in a positivity journal. Start thinking of all the ways life has blessed you each day and write it down. Try to remember that as much as you miss the old you before you had kids. One day when your kids move out your gonna miss this you. The one who had kids when they were little.

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I worry about this exact thing sometimes. My husband is younger and he loves me to death but we had kids fast. my anxiety is crazy high and alot of times I feel like I’m just this terrible snippy angry person to everyone. Makes me worry that eventually my husband will be tired of my not as fun or as cute self eventually too. I think alot of times those thoughts are also attributed to the anxiety. Talk to your husband. Try to go on dates to new places or to new activities at least once a month. Take time for yourself to do things that make you feel refreshed and invigorated at least once or twice a month. It’s hard being a mama and a wife sometimes. It’s a very full plate. Taking care of ourselves is a big part of feeling peaceful throughout our day to day routine. You might need a different therapist. But definitely communicate with your husband about your feelings.

1- having kids only adds to you.
2- you sounds depressed like you want treated for ppd and it really went in checked
3- talk more with your hubby open and honest communication doesn’t make you or him selfish. Honest isn’t always easy to hear and that’s ok.

4 y’all need a date 2 times a month at least

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