Has anyone dealt with grandparents rights in NYS?

My 5 year old son's father passed away a year ago. I have been keeping it cool with my son's grandmother since then. Being civil. Doing visits every other week. Letting her take him places. Now it's getting really difficult. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She gets really snotty if we have to cancel due to my son being sick or the weather is going to be bad. If it doesn't go her way she tries to tell me how to parent my child. My question is has anyone been through anything similar? Have you been to court? I feel like I've been doing the right thing. Im wondering if going to court would bite me or if it would make this situation better. Do I file? Or let her get to that point and file herself? I also need to add that I have been working around her schedule completely. I also have done additional visits and outtings. Usually if She asks in advance for something I allow it but its getting to the point where any time I say no or have something else going on and can't do what she wants she becomes extremely rude. Nothing is ever good enough. Thank you
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I have no idea what the laws for in NYS. In one sense I think it be great for the child to still have contact with members of his father family but if it is becoming that bad then I would set more boundaries. I will say it is possible that grandma might be lonely or still grieving over her son’s death and in doing so she feels she needs her grandson more. It might not be so much you were are doing but due to the loss she might feel like she needs more control in her life and fearful of losing her grandson. I wouldn’t take her to court, in my opinion there is no need for court unless she tries to file but i’m not even sure what she could file for.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Has anyone dealt with grandparents rights in NYS?

Im confused why would you go to court?does she share custody?

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I’m not seeing how she can file for anything unless she’s already got custody rights. The courts will not make you give her the child. It’s your child, your choice. If she can’t work with you, or respect your decisions than I would suggest that you don’t let it get to you. Let her be the one upset. She will get over it. It’s your child. Your choices.

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she’s old he’s her one connection to her loved one that passed I think sitting down and explaining your side gently but honestly may help if you work maybe consider her being his baby sitter a few times a week instead of his regular care giver ? most older people are a bit cranky and set in their ways .Grandparents rights are a thing and if she has caused no issue of neglect or harm she could very well win visitation rights in most states .

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You can file and make her respond. Have records of all previous visits. Keep all texts of her behavior. Research what the norm is for your State.
Do Grandparents Have Visitation Rights in New York? | DivorceNet.

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Communication and work it out between yourselves when possible. I wouldn’t take it to court. She should be glad your allowing frequent overnights. Explain to her that life happens and visits are subject to being cancelled. It doesn’t sound like your cancelling for no reason. Kudos to you for keeping Grandma in his life.

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Do not file yourself. If she wants to let her. It’s next to impossible for grandparents to be granted court order visits. Especially when you have consistently let her see you child on a regular basis. Usually there has to be a strong existing relationship between the child and grandparent AND access being denied. You are not denying access, you’re just putting your son first by not letting him visit when he is sick or there is bad weather.

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Why would you want to deprive your son the love of a Grandparent? Try talking to her when the child isn’t around and see if you can’t work out your issues.

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Your son is the only thing she has left from his dad (if that’s his only child anyway). That’s part of her son. Maybe she isn’t expressing her feelings the right way, but I think y’all should sit and talk and figure it out. A year isn’t a long time I’m sure she still hurts the same as a year ago… so seeing your son may be important to her as she may see her own through him… I say to at least sit down and come up with a solid plan and also say you’re just looking out for him and her by not allowing him around when he is sick.

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I go through this with my son grandma nd honestly if she’s causing so much drama let her file n keep your distance

First off, it’s your child and if he’s sick or weather is bad and you don’t feel comfortable sending him… That’s your choice. To me it seems like she is being ungrateful even when you work around her schedule…

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I feel that maybe she just gets upset because if that’s her sons only child, that’s the last piece of him she has on this Earth and it maybe upsets her in a way she’s unsure how to deal with and lashes out.

Maybe just try to have a conversation with her about how you feel.

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Let her take you to court. Some states have grandparents right but it’s only so many days a month. Tell her to suck it up because you are being very generous.

I would let it be as I think you filing anything will stir the pot if she chooses to file then go from there I am not sure how NYS works but we don’t have grandparent rights in Oregon my mother tried to pull that crap. Most states they have to prove that the grandparents not being in the child’s life is determental on the child’s well being…

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Unless she has rights to your child …its when you want and your time …its not your fault she cant comply

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Ask her. Hash it out.

I’m in NY and grandparents filed for visitations (before dropping it) and I was told being grandparents have previously been in their lives I must allow to continue visits

Okay for the people saying he’s her only connection etc… that may very well be true but you are his mother. She needs to respect your boundaries. Nobody needs to be around a sick child other than the parents especially during a pandemic that has since SURGED in cases in some places. Continue doing what you’re doing. You going out of your way to make all of this time for them to be together is wonderful and she should see it as a privilege. It’s not her RIGHT to take him from you when she wants to or feels like it. Let her know that these boundaries are for his health and safety and HERS. everyone’s! You continue to do what is in the best interest of your child. You’re giving her more than a lot of grandparents have. Im married to an active duty soldier and my children’s grandparents would love to see my kids as often as yours is being seen!! Imagine them trying to take me to court for more access to my kids :woman_facepalming:t2: people are way to court happy in cases they have no business.

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Grandparent rights are typically “reasonable and seasonable” (depending on what state you live in).

Form the sounds of it, even if she DID take you to court for grandparents visitation, she would be getting less time with him than she already is now.

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I don’t think court can do anything in this situation. She isn’t a parent, you aren’t obligated by law to let her see him at all. Remind her of that. If she won’t allow you to parent your son then she can disappear from his life. Keep texts & other proof that she’s being difficult in case she does try court. Doubt she can but always stay prepared.

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I don’t understand why you would be taking her to court? File for what? Maybe when the weather is bad, or he is sick, you could do video calls or something.

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Seems a little toxic. I’d start limiting things a little more. Being a grand parent is a privilege not a right. She doesn’t get to be this way with you. I’d slowly start pulling back. If any moves are made let it be on her end. Keep record of everything just in case this way if it does come to court you can explain your case.

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You, as the mother, do not have to allow anyone to see or visit your child (without a court order). I’m not familiar with grandparents laws in NY, but I will say this… she lost her son. Unless this is how she was before her sons passing, it sounds like she’s just trying to hang on as tight as she can to the last remaining piece of her child.

I know it’s frustrating, but try to be understanding and compassionate.

If she was NOT this way before her sons passing, I would sit down with her, have an extremely emotional conversation, and set some boundaries.

If she WAS like this before her sons passing, then you need to set firm boundaries with her and if she chooses to pursue any grandparents rights, let that be her choice. I wouldn’t run to court to officially give her rights.

It really depends on the situation.

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In NY she is screwed.
Unless she has been providing care because you are lacking…she won’t get any visits unless you agree.

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Unless there is a court order for her to have custody of your son, she sees him when it works for you… she has no rights to him other than what you allow her :woman_shrugging:t2: Honestly, if she isn’t willing to abide by your wishes and schedule as his mother, I wouldn’t let her see him. If she files, let her. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by telling her it doesn’t work for you if it doesn’t! She is not his mother, you are. Honestly she’s lucky you even continue to let her be in his life!

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Let her file first. The burden will be on her to prove anything. As long as you have evidence of cooperation and have not been keeping him away from her she can’t get her way.

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And you can ask for her to pay your attorney fees in your reply.

Since you come here to ask for advice… I will tell you what I personally would do in this case… one, it isn’t just about it being about her son being gone, but the child’s father was her son. They do have a connection. Is she good to your child while with she is with him? Does your son love her? Them two answers are more important than anything else. I would simply have a conversation with her about it. You don’t have to be ugly. Don’t text her. Set down like ADULTS let her know that you have done the best you can in the situation, let her know that you do it for your child bc that is a connection to his father and his childhood, let her know that you do try your best to work around her regardless of other things, let her know you are thankful for her and her love for your son (a child can’t be loved to much- if it’s healthy pure love) let her know that you have no intentions of preventing her from visits and spending time with her grandchild (unless, of course you are) BUT that it upsets you for her to be rude when you say no. Let her know that. Let her know that you are his mother and the parent and that for things to be healthy for you and your son AND her and her grandson that it would be helpful if she didn’t try and tell you how to raise him, understand that if he is sick or has other plans that you will tell her so and expect her to be kind and patient… that it’s a no that time not indefinite. Tell her that you do take into consideration her grief and fears, but that you also have some of your own and it isn’t always easy. Be honest, direct, mature, kind, and calm. Listen to what she says back. If at that point things don’t change then- just wait for her to file for grandparents rights. Which in doing so at that point she will have some LEGAL rights to your child. So, in my opinion I would try at least once to have a real conversation. Maybe even tell her a schedule that you are willing to do… every other weekend, one weekend a month, very Saturday from 8am-8pm, literally just what ever would work for you and your schedule… and then use whatever time that is to relax, shop, clean, date, whatever you want to do. But, yes let her know you will not be disrespected. Contrary to what most people thing you CAN set boundaries with clear communication. She likely does need to be reminded to think of it from your side.

I would sit down with her and do a monthly schedule. I am a grandparent and get kids every other weekend and certain holidays. But if they have school function s or Birthday parties if she has them then they should go to those activities. Document everything.

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She’s taking advantage of a good thing. In Ohio there’s no grandparents rights. She should take what she can get and be thankful

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It shouldn’t be a hassle to want to keep her in his life. Sounds like something needs to give. Have you tried sitting down with her? Are y’all not nice to each other? Maybe try to understand she has lost her son and maybe your son is what she is holding onto of her own son.

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I would speak with her regarding your concerns. Set some boundaries. She needs to understand her role as grandma and if she can’t, she has the option to file for visitation. The chances of her getting as much time with him after filing, are slim. Maybe she needs a taste of reality. I’ve had to set my MIL straight before and we didn’t see her for 3 months. She was more respectful after that. This is what I found online for NYS. I am also in NY but have not had any experience with grandparent rights…
In New York, grandparents have a legal right to request court-ordered visitation when: one or both parents die. they have a substantial existing relationship with their grandchildren, or the child’s parents have interfered with their efforts to establish or maintain a relationship.

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Grandparents have few rights in NY. Her lawyer would tell her that.
If she takes you, she’ll have to bear the burden of proof that you disrupted the child’s life and are withholding him (like say she was his normal babysitter) or can prove you neglect/abuse him. Next time the weather is bad tell her you’re not driving BUT she’s welcome to come for a visit and play a game with him or something. If he’s sick she can come over too and bring popsicles, or they can FaceTime. Sounds like she has good intentions and loves him. Flexibility goes both ways, sounds like you’re doing your part.

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If everything is in text form of visits and all then I do not see a judge giving more time when you are going out of your way. Can see about talking to legal counsel about it but proof that you are saying what you are is truth she wont have the upper hand.

NYS law supports grandparents rights if their is a death of a parent. She will win and you will be court ordered.

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I think at the end of the day this is a very complicated situation. Her son died and she is grieving and maybe your son is the only thing left of her son, and that might bring her a lot of comfort. Maybe try and have a heart to heart with her and come to an agreement before you consider court? I know you said you’re frustrated and that’s understandable, but the best way to solve something like this is by communicating :white_heart:

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My mom and my grandfather didn’t speak a word to each other for 8 years over something that happened. But you can bet your ass I was at his place whenever he or I wanted me to be. Every break, every long weekend, and whenever I just wanted to go. My mom never once tried to stop it. Grandparents are the staple to a family and if she lost her son then this grand baby is all she has left of him. It’s gross how many of you say just don’t allow it or cut contact. I’m some glad my mom put her feelings and differences aside when it came to me and my grandfather

Only thing court would do is a non mol and even at that she isn’t causing you or your child no harm so it won’t be granted. Just tell her no, and keep it to a set fortnightly visit. No extras no working around her. Let her be the one to travel and visit you then she will realise the effort you have been putting in. Let her do the running if she wants to see the child

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Most lawyers first visits are free. Find one and find out

Tell her he’s not her son and she’s not entitled to him she can get him when you feel like allowing it, wtf are grandparent rights? They don’t have any in Michigan.

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You don’t owe her any visits with your child. She needs to be thankful that you allow her to see him at all. Tell her, if she can’t show you respect then you will no longer be in her life nor will your child.

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What about her son it’s punishing him because it’s inconvenient for the mom seriously :neutral_face: maybe he loves being with her also. Everyone saying cut ties I hope one day you get same treatment. I go by my children if the don’t want to visit grandparents I wouldn’t ever push it,but if they enjoy being there which is always for mine I try to make it happen.

What would you be going to court for? You really aren’t even “required” to let her see him.

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I don’t know where you live but not all parents have grand parent rights. If your state happens to be one of them you do not have to let her near your child

Grandparents are a blessing and one day she will be gone and I’m sure he will remember the time spent w her. Try and be civil not everyone is as lucky as you

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Honestly, you don’t owe her anything. Stop telling her yes, stop working around her schedule. All of it. He is your son, you don’t have to let her see him. Start saying no and stick with it.

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Young one - patience- more than likely she took care of everything when her husband was alive (:pensive::pray:t4:) - she now has no one. Sounds like she is getting frustrated because she can’t control the situation. She probably looks forward to seeing you both. You might try getting her involved with other activities with other elders.
Which brings another point - our elders aren’t around for very long- many haven’t had the chance to meet them and many forget them. But to have memories of one’s elders is a blessing ,my friend. So be gentle - use “active listening skills” - have patience and understanding :heart::v:t4:

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If you feel like she could take it to court even if you aren’t trying to go that route. Start covering your own butt. Document everything. Try and do things over text or email. Write down every time she asks when it isn’t scheduled and when you say yes or no and her reaction.

I don’t understand why you would be thinking of taking her to court. For any kind of grandparents rights to go in effect she would have to petition the court for visitation. If she is being toxic then cut her off for a while…there’s no order saying you have to let her see him. If she can be civil with you and is good to your son then allow her to visit him and set clear boundaries.

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Kinda in the same situation but due to her almost endangering him he can’t go right now

There is no such thing as grandparents rights she could try to file and force you into mediation but honestly unless you’re unfit and even then the court doesn’t step in for grandparents the only reason I know this is because my husband is an attorney in North Carolina and I had to learn the hard way with my grand children’s father that I don’t have any rights at all as Oma

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Depends on what state your in, but if it’s a GP Rights type state, you could face essentially “sharing” custody with them since their son is deceased.
Obviously you will be his sole guardian, but she could be offered her son’s visitation schedule with your son.

However, since you have made every effort, most likely a judge would tell her to be happy with the time you already provide, but also set a visit schedule you must maintain to ensure the visits continue.

If I were you, I would sit down & work out a schedule that works for you & your son. Maybe have him go stay every other weekend, half of spring break, 2 weeks on summer break & offer 3 hour visits on every holiday.

Put it in writing & try to follow thru as much as possible. Encourage this relationship because it will become VERY important to your son when he’s older & missing that fatherly bond in his life.
I have 2 daughters who lost their father early, I bent over backwards to keep them in close contact to his parents & brothers, & now as adults my girls are very close to their dad’s family, which is a blessing to me. And them most of all.

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So her son dies and all these shitty women are really talking crap about this grandma wanting to be able to hold onto the last thing she has of her son… Let her see him. Let her spend time with him. Yall really need to just sit down one day and just talk about her having and seeing him.

Court will not benefit anything. She already gets visits so wouldn’t benefit her to file either. Set a schedule and explain that’s how it goes.

According to my lawyer nys doesn’t have grandparent rights

Why do you think you need court or that she might be taking you to court?
I live in TN and grandparents rights are NOT acknowledged here. Only in cases where there is no parents or the state has intervened and taken children from parents are the grandparents considered in court as possible custody options.

never heard of grandparents rights. :thinking: I’m in MN tho.
& that’s YOUR child, not hers. so why do you feel like she HAS TO see him? Tell her to back off

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Do you your the mom. Your rules or nothing. If she wants to go file- then let her.

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Grandparents are given like 8hrs per month minimum in my state

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I looked up grandparents rights for myself when I knew I would be getting a divorce and in my state they don’t have rights so it goes by state but what I found was usually the same they only have rights if they have been a big part of their care like if the child has been there near daily for care or you’ve lived with them and it would harm the child to not have them around. You have to check in your specific state but I’d keep visits to the minimum like you have and if anything is done I’d let her file and keep a record of visits and messages and times she has gotten rude. If you can do everything like planning canceling through text to keep a record but again look at your state specifically and go by that.

It seems this situation just needs boundaries. I would say try and have a civil conversation about your feelings. Give her an opportunity to be better as your son needs a village especially with his dad’s passing. Praying all goes well.

I would put my foot down and limit her to only one weekend a month. She can come to your house to see him if she wants more time but that way if she does file you aren’t showing the courts that you are constantly giving your son to her. If they think that your son is used to being with her all the time they may want to grant every other weekend. I’m sorry you are going through this.

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Before you cut her off make sure you never need her help or support.

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Suggest making a diary. Dates time situation what was said. Just in case she decides to persue anything

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Any grandparent that I personally know would want to see their grandkids if something like that happen. Just set a schedule keep to that schedule then if things don’t get better as she complains and I do say y’all need to sit down and talk it’s over. cuz I’m a grandparent and I wouldn’t know what to do if I couldn’t see my grandchildren or my great grandchildren . My sister hasn’t seen her grandchildren and hasn’t been able too see them 17 years and has never met one of her grandkids and great grandkids or her and my heart break’s for her .i feel for her cuz it’s a love that you don’t have for anybody else not like a grandchild or grandparent and I love my two sons more than anything but when it comes to grandkids and great grandkids they ain’t no better love

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Shut…her…down on the disrespect.

I’d try to make a schedule that meets both your guys needs. If it back fires at least you can prove to the courts you tried before it got to the point of needing court action. Bless ur heart

Have a sit down with her and explain how you’re feeling. Just try to remember that she lost her son. She is trying to hold on to the only things she has left of him. I think that would make any of us act out of desperation. It doesn’t give her the right to over rule you or make you bend to her every wish, but I think a good adult talk is definitely needed. Good luck, and I’m sorry for your loss x

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She can’t do anything. Noone really understands grandparents rights and it doesn’t even apply in most places

Don’t worry about it just keep record of visit that way if she does go to court ( not that it would do any good) you can show that you have been letting her see if… No need to worry on your part only if he’s neglected or abused she has no grounds to stand on

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You may not want to go to court my father went to court with my ex sil and he won every weekend and every other holiday he actually got more visits then my ex husband did when we divorced

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It sounds like you need to set up a schedule and set boundaries.
You don’t need court.

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Keep all text messages…screenshot everything sent and recieved…records phone conversations through an app…log everything just in case she files. Most states grandparents have no rights. Need to tell her straight up if she wants a relationship with her grandkid then she has to respect you. Disrespect equals less quality time with the grandkid.

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Well !! You are his mother. She didn’t carry him 9 months you did. I am quite sure you hold the reins here not her. She should find herself lucky that you have let her do what you do for her. If she doesn’t think that is good then she should be put in her place…She is the grandmother…not your boss. He is YOUR child not hers.

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In most states there are are no grandparents rights.

By the way I am. So sorry for your a your child’s loss.

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Unfortunately, She has lost HER child. Yes, by all means set a schedule and boundaries. If something comes up and she wants to do something outside of the schedule only do it if there’s no conflict in Your schedule. It’s not acceptable for her to berate or harass you. She will treat you how you let her. Your Child has lost his Parent. Do whatever is in your Sons best interest. Been There, Done That.

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Sounds like she is being a pain I would definitely keep a record of everything and I realize it’s not easy for you but she lost her son she is grieving and may know shes being a butt and is just having a really hard time with it maybe as your son gets older and she comes to terms with her grief things will get better

keep the grandma in his life, grandma are important youll regret when she passes away, some grandparents dont care my kids grandma is alive but dont ever call or check on them but when she dose it’s only about money u should be lucky to have her, dont be like that rearrange where he can stay with her a month and back to you. you’ll be able to do things you want and he’ll have time with his grandma she just want time with him that all, she sees her son in yours let her be a grandma’ life is to short to be angry especially with covid.

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Grandparents have no rights to their grandchildren. Unless they can prove that you’re unfit. Do not let her walk all over you set boundaries because it will be sad for your child if they lose contact because of pettiness.

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She might still be grieving the loss of her son, and filling the emptiness with your son. It is a delicate situation. I say if she treats him well and is a good influence on him, why not let her have him more often? Take advantage of her wanting to be involved to do things you need to do but cant take him with.

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There is no grandparents rights in ny .sad but true

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Did she spend much time with your son before her son died.??

She seems to be replacing Her child with Your child.

Keep a diary of All time she spends with your son, in case it goes to court.
Then she can’t claim your ‘keeping her grandson away from her’…
Sounds like a spoilt bit*h

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Allow the grandma visits. Be an adult. Grandparents are important to your son… just talk to her

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I don’t know about NYS but in a lot of states grandparents don’t have any rights! Talk with a lawyer

I’d do a lot of what people have said like keep all records of texts calls emails anything that it sent back and forward. You also have to live the life you lead you are being enough letting her have the time with your son. If things are arranged and for whatever reason you have to cancel it can’t be helped so try and make a new day with her. Don’t let her dictate to you when she should have him or not. I think she maybe using your son because she lost hers and that’s very sad. Don’t let her drag you down and if things do go over the top with her the keep records so if she does take you to court you have a record of everything said and done by you and her. You need to protect your son as she shouldn’t be treating you like dirt if she can’t have her visit because your son is sick or something else has come up that you can’t avoid. I’d also just look into the legal side of it from your point but I probably would mention or do anything about the courts unless things get really bad. My son had 2 grandparents my dad sadly died so he has just my mum. The other side grandmother didn’t even know about my son before she died and that wasn’t anything to do with me and I felt she missed out on my son. Good luck and remember he’s your boy.

Just keep doing what you’re doing if She sees you Give her one little inch And not set your boundaries then she will continue but I will only get worse. So stick to your guns and if she is still asking about her sometime that’s when you tell her look these are my boundaries and this is the way it’s going to be.

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*act out after some time.

I’m not getting into this , FYI no matter what or how she is with her, know that she loves that little boy never take grandparents out of a child’s life , maybe she isn’t that great with you , she seems that she has a great relationship with her grandson

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Keep 8n mind she has lost her son . That child is all she has left of him. It depends on the state. Some states grandparents have no rights and others they do. In this case it would be family court . Try to make a schedule that fits both ur needs. Sit down w her explain ur predicament. She will probably win some type of visitation since her son is dead. It really depends on the judge. Alot of courts have a mediator and what they do is cases like this that don’t need to be in court they give u the option to sit down both of u and discuss w mediator in the room. If they do offer that take it my attorney told me if u don’t and still want to go to court they’ll throw it out. I think if u go the legal route ur just making it harder on everyone including including child. One day that child is going to grow up . He may hold it against u. She is all he has left of his father. My oldest child’s father passed this yr. I went through something g similar the grandmother. She got cancer and died before my child was able to see her. I regret it soo much. If I could change things I would but I came out of a cdv relationship so it was different. I wanted the legal stuff to be in place before the visit . It back fired. If u can keep it out the court . She doesn’t have to prove u unfit to get partial visitation either. She’s grieving and ot helps to be w him. Stop and imagine what it would be like if u lost ur child . U would want to spend every min w the grand. This sounds more like a need for family therapy than getting court involved. They would probably court order family counseling. Talk to her ab seeing someone together. Play it like ur doing it for ur child and not her. Don’t be like me and make a huge mistake that u can’t change. It will forever impact my sons life the decision I made and I regret it so much. She was healthy one day and the next she started hurting and throwing up. Diagnosed w cancer and left the world after a wk. Her son died a few wks before and I really think that is what sped up the process of her dying so fast.

He her connection to her son and the death is still fresh. Let her see the boy she’ll get better as time goes on.

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Prob the odd person out, but I’d let her see him as much as she wants. Both of my parents have passed and it kills my kids.

Sit down and have an open conversation about your feelings with her. Definitely a relationship worth the work.

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Patience is a virtue many lack. Hopefully you and your mother in law can figure it, without going to court and hurting your child in the process

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court wont do anything, shes just the grandparent
and even if ur state has the rightsnfor gparents. its very rare shell get if they have rules that allow them to get the child or visitation…block her when she starts her shit. yes she lost her son but that doesn make it right for her to a t like a POS. stand ur ground. dont let her walk over your

NYS doesn’t have grandparents rights. They only consider something if the child lives with them or they spend the majority of their time with them.
I went through this and they got nothing lol

I don’t know why people keep saying grandparents don’t have rights in nys.
The woman has lost her son and trying to keep a bond with the piece of him still around. I’d continue to encourage their relationship, but have a heart to heart with her about your feelings.

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You need to sit her down and talk to her and put some boundaries. Tell her that it’s causing a conflict and that’s bad for her grandson.

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Communicate. Let her know how you feel. She lost a child and is replacing him with the one thing that feels like he’s still there. I’m so sorry shes making things difficult. To her it probably feels like yesterday that he passed. Just keep doing what you are and communicate and set boundaries.

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