Here is my dilemma

I have been with my boyfriend for several years and am already raising my daughters from a previous marriage. I have a 3-year-old son with my boyfriend and, not long after he was born, my bf got a vasectomy without telling me. It really hurt me. He didn’t confide in me at all and I have barely turned 30, which is still young enough to have more kids. He said it’s because he doesn’t want anymore. I don’t know where I see my future going with him. What would you do?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Here is my dilemma

He has clearly set his own personal boundary. Either respect it or move on. He doesn’t owe you more children

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If you want more than find another man or if you wanna be sneaky and stay with him, go get a donor

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Personally I’d leave. He had every right to do what he did because it’s his body but he should have atleast talked to you. It sounds like you lack communication in your relationship.

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You have two beautiful children so why not be happy with your family he took responsibility and didn’t create a bunch of kids he didn’t want or couldn’t take care of

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He is not married to you, and under no obligation to give you more children.

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Unfortunately you cannot force someone to want more children.
He did you dirty by having the vasectomy without your knowledge.
My trust would have been totally lost after that and if you don’t have trust, you don’t really have a future :woozy_face:

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For me, I wouldn’t stay with anyone that would try to make that choice for me without even a conversation.

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Sus he didn’t even mention it to the mother of his child and, assuming, live-in GF.
But ultimately it’s his choice. Either you love him enough to stay, or leave, if more children is what you really want.

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He made his choice and good for him!!

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This is something that would absolutely be discussed prior to having it done. It’s not wrong of him to have a vasectomy or to not want more children, but effectively he has decided for YOU and that’s not okay. How strongly you feel about it is up to you but personally I’d likely end the relationship.

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He’s made it clear he doesn’t want anymore kids. Getting the vasectomy was his choice. Yes he should have at the very least let you know about it, but Ultimately it was his choice. Be happy with the children you have or leave him and find someone else that wants more kids. I personally don’t see how anyone can afford to raise more than one child these days. I have a 16 year old and it’s hard financially raising him. I couldn’t imagine having anymore. Lol

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Unfortunately if your not married it was his decision and now u have to make the " if i want more kids do i stay decision" if u were married it should be a joint decision

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Although I feel like he should have talked to you first, I also feel that it is his body and his choice…I would say, if you truly think you might want more children, I would move on now, and not wait too long.

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He had every right to do what he did and didn’t “owe” you more children or even a conversation to get your opinion on the matter honestly but with that being said since you are in a long-term (and I’m guessing committed) relationship it would have been nice for him to at least have a conversation about what he wanted before he just did it. I’m not saying you could have changed his mind but you may have had points that he hadn’t considered. But again…his body, his choice. And if he decides later he does want more children (like if you guys end up getting married) he can always reverse it(but again…only if he wants)

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It’s his body and his choice. There’s honestly nothing to talk about. If he doesn’t want more kids then he doesn’t. If you had it done after you had your kid because you didn’t want more than that’s be your choice. Respect that. Now he could’ve told you he was going to do it but at the end of the day it’s his choice and not yours.

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Its his choice. You either accept it or move on. Plain and simple. Do you love this man? If so then stay with him because you love him dont be a lame and break up cause of one petty thing. I’m sorry to me this is petty. A 30yr old woman should realize this by now as 30 is when you start being a woman.

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I mean you aren’t married and it’s his body and his choice. I can see why you’re hurt he didn’t tell you before hand though. You’re entitled to your feelings. I would try to work it out, counseling etc. Also vasectomies can be reversed if he ever changes his mind, but if it’s a deal breaker for you (no more kids) that’s understandable too.

Some of this is constructive but alot of it is talking shit to her. I think she is more fucked up about the fact that he went behind her back and got fixed instead of discussing it with her. No they aren’t married but he at least owed her the respect of talking with her because she is still his partner. Does he owe her more kids? No but no man husband or boyfriend owes any women a child just like no woman owes any man a child.

Oh btw its his body his choice.

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If you love him and plan to love him forever, three children should be enough.

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But I wonder how he would feel IF she were pregnant and aborted without his knowledge. Is that the same as her body her choice? I’d be upset about him doing it without as much as I am doing it!

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His body his choice. He doesnt need your approval for it. Same with women. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Funny how some people think having a baby with a “boyfriend” automatically makes them a wife. Here’s the cold hard truth…you ain’t his wife, so quit trying to force him to be your “husband” he owes you no explanation for his actions and probably didn’t want the child you had. Did you ever communicate to him that you wanted to have the first child? Obviously he didn’t see you as wife material if he had a vasectomy knowing you wanted more children. If you split up, he can easily have it reversed if he finds someone else to marry and have children with. You decide, stay in a communication less relationship or move on.

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You said daughters so you have multiple children already from past marriage then you have had a son with this man. Have you ever stopped to consider that’s as many as he wants? Did you ask how he felt? Regardless that he got a vasectomy with or without your consent. Did he feel like this was something he could talk to you about without you blowing it up? If he loves your daughters and treats them the same way he treats your son together than I will promptly say this is a you problem not him. Most women on here bash us men most for a good reason and I agree with them on that some of you women on here just clearly hate men and that shows big time we are all not horrible people just because a relationship doesn’t pan out how you had in your mind guess what that’s life honey everyone has issues you will never not have issues the thing that’s separates a good relationship from a bad one is communicating and if one party feels that lack of communication than it’s most likely not going to work out. Learn a lesson from this. Before you get in a bonified relationship or possibility marriage then the things you need to know about that person. Financial expectations from you and him amount of kids likes dislikes how they want to handle the kids acting up whooping or just time outs these are important life changing decisions that couple normally run into you can’t have a family with someone you barely know it won’t work been there done that get these questions answered before committing to someone else or you will be dealing with shit problems along with a shit life with no help.

Wow these women are so cold. I definitely think he should have at least told you. Even if it was the day of before he went. Would you be able to change his mind? Probably not. Is that your right? Also probably not. But something as life changing as a vasectomy should be discussed. He has every right to do it without “permission”. I’m just saying he should’ve told you first.

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It’s his choice if he doesn’t want kids anymore HOWEVER it’s so wrong of him not to tell you he got the snip. If you really want kids in the future but you settle with a man who doesn’t then you will be miserable

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Lots of tough love in here! Lol But, ya, IF you were married, you would have had to sign off on the procedure, but since you’re not you didn’t. :woman_shrugging:t2: However I would be very concerned with how little he seems to think of you. The least he could have done was sit you down like an adult and tell you what he was planning on doing…

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If you’re in a committed relationship with him, he should’ve talked to you first. He’s decided you have no right to give him any input. That’s a sad place to be. I’d sit down with him & have a discussion about what the future with each other or without each other looks like. You need to know where you stand.

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It’s crazy that most of these comments are “he doesn’t owe you anything.” Like damn, that’s a pretty rude thing to say. Obviously her boyfriend isn’t the only one that doesn’t believe in communication when it comes to relationships.
I wouldn’t be with someone who goes behind my back and does something like that without having a conversation with me. Yes I understand what you want, but at least tell me. Not being informed of those kind of decisions obviously means your opinion and feelings don’t mean shit to him. (Sorry for the language or sounding so harsh) but damn girl….I don’t think it’s worth it being with someone who won’t communicate with you. Boyfriend, husband or whatever, you are in a relationship and both of you should be able to communicate everything, especially things like this.

I would do nothing ! Lol :joy: if he doesn’t want anymore you have to respect that .

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I’m sorry. Since he kept that from u, what else has he done? Yes I think he should of talked to you about it

That’s a major life decision when you’re in a relationship. I’d think it would be worth discussing out of respect for you at the least

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Secrets in a relationship will tear apart the relationship

You aren’t married, so you neither one have any rights to the other’s bodies

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Well honey he is your boyfriend, not your husband. And it is his body, his choice. If you do not see a future, and if you are upset that he did not tell you about it, then I’d think about moving on.

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I’m this day ad age one is probably plenty. We don’t know what this world is going to come down to.

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If you want another child go have it with someone else. Your body your choice. If he cared he would have consulted you before he did it.

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Sounds like he didn’t want to risk getting someone else pregnant, to me.

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It is reversible so that’s always an option. However he most def should’ve discussed it w/you prior. Do what’s best for you maybe let him know in this amount of time I’m ready for next one either reverse it or we are done.

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That’s a discussion both people should’ve sat down and discussed. That’s a huge game changer in relationships if one’s done and one isn’t. He had zero compromise or thought on your feelings. I would sit down with him and really explain how that felt, If it’s something you can’t get passed and you do want more and he doesn’t, thats something you decide to stay or leave.

His body his choice but it’s also your choice if you want to stay with him or not

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His body his choice :woozy_face: u can choose to leave aswell

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Sounds like he’d betrayed your trust as a partner would you really want to stay with him

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How did you not know this happened? He would have been in pain for a while and you wouldn’t of had sex for sometime.

People be like your not married what does that make a difference it’s a bit of paper not a life sentence

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If you love him you stay. If you want to be a parent again try fostering or adoption. Not everyone wants a lot of kids.

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I would have to leave just for the fact that he would never want more children in the future. That’s too big of a sacrifice to make. I’ve been there with my ex, and I couldn’t get over the fact of never having kids again.

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You need to move on.

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Bye Felicia? Lol that’s a decision that’s made together. What else is he not telling you? Nope.

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If it’s a deal breaker it’s a deal breaker. But I highly suggest talking about it with him first. If he’s not willing to get it reversed (not always a guarantee anyway) then you need to think about what you want to do. Stay and be content with the children you do have or split and find someone who’s willing to have children (got to make sure they accept the ones you do have and treat them like their own). Good luck.

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Can we please get rid of the troll that is Bruce.

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I would leave for a few reasons.,didn’t discuss it first. You want another child and he does not. He may have cheated or going to on his mind…there is more to this story I believe!?

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I definitely see a problem with that relationship!! No, you aren’t married, BUT a decision that huge should definitely be discussed with whoever his partner is!! I would tell him he either needs to be willing to get a reversal if you stay together, or tell him the relationship isn’t for you, since he didn’t even bother to consider you in the decision he made that affects you both!

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He doesn’t want anymore kids. That is 100% his right and you don’t get a say. If you want more, you leave.

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I wouldnt be mad. Its his body his choice. You dont get a say on what he does with his body. You cant make him have more kids. If you need more kids then you may wanna break up with your bf and find a guy that wants more kids.

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He isn’t the one for you. You both don’t share the same values. Don’t force it anymore. Unless you want to be foster parent, move on. It sucks but the alternative us being miserable.

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If he doesn’t want more children then he shouldn’t. If u want more leave and find some one who does. U are not married so no commitment right.

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Though I believe in his body, his choice- I also think he damn well should’ve said this is what I’m GOING to do, before hand.

Even if he felt so strongly about not wanting more kids, that’s something that should have discussed so atleast you were the given the choice at the time to say that’s a deal breaker or not!! In a partnership you sit down and discuss these things first.

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You just know having a problem with it seems like to me there is more going on that your not telling because you said he got it right after he was born and he is now 3

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So how did you find out? Were you having issues or separated when he did this? I feel like there is more to the story, but either way you have to decide if you want to be with a man that chooses he does not want any more kids

Keyword… Boyfriend… When did we as women start treating men like we’re their wives?? He doesn’t want anymore. It’s not up to you.

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Does he get a say in your contraception? Yes he should of discussed it with you but his body his choice 🤷

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Ok, you’ve been together several years and never discussed children or how big a family you want? Apparently communication is a problem for both of you.

I suggest marriage counseling to help you work through this, learn to be more upfront and communicate better (crucial whether you stay together or not), and get through some more big questions before deciding how you want to proceed with this relationship.

Do you earn any income? Do you contribute financially to the family? If not, what skills and training/education do you have and what is your earning potential? If you’re not currently employed, do you have plans to go to work in the near future, say when all kids are in school? You can’t just keep having babies and expect someone else to pay for them. What would you do if he left you? Could you manage on your own?

Sounds like you two need to talk about finances and budgets. Are you saving for emergencies? Vacations? Medical expenses? Do you have insurance? Retirement? College or career training for the children and/or yourselves? Do the dad/s of your older two pay child support? Does BF help pay for your daughters even though they’re not his? Sadly it costs a lot to raise one child ($200,000-$2 million over a lifetime) much less three or more, and you have to take that into account.

Maybe if you have baby fever all the time you could work at a day care, get certified and run a home child care, or volunteer for nursery duty at a religious institution or medical facility.

Good luck, and enjoy the children you have. They will all turn into teenagers sooner than you think!

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He has every right, it’s his body. If its a dealbreaker for you having more kids you need to let him go and pursue that.

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His body His choice.

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Well I’m on the fence about this. He doesn’t want anymore which I understand. But even though he’s just a boyfriend he should of talked with you about it. That’s a big thing. He didn’t even think of your feelings on it. Good luck doll

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The same people telling her to dump him are the same people that say a guy should have been snipped if he didn’t want to have kids and ends up getting someone pregnant smh. His body, his choice.

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I mean u waited 3 years to question this

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Young one - daughters and son - you are blessed. The decision to have a vasectomy is as personal as getting your tubes tied. Our Bodies is exactly that our bodies. He has been honest enough to tell you he doesn’t want anymore. Why would you try to force him. It wouldn’t be good for him, the child and you. In fact he may resent the fact you did force him and/ or the child. If he means a lot to you you’ll let it rest. If you are set on having more children - adoption is another option.

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honestly…
how many children can you afford :
braces for ?
cheerleading uniforms and everything and your time that goes with it or other sports ?
health insurance?
time spent daily on homework and school projects?
a house with separate bedrooms for each kid and multiple bathrooms?
new school clothes and supplies every year for 12 years?
college tuition, books and a car to get to college?
THINK about what it costs Now to raise the ones you have, and what it will cost in the future to raise them threw college…
What is your family’s income now? How much will it increase over the next 5 years, 10, 15 years?
I’m guessing this is what your boyfriend was thinking about although it was wrong very wrong for him to get a vasectomy without even Consulting you but maybe he knew trying to get you to understand the financial burden of more children would be frivolous and fall upon your deaf ears so he took matters into his own hands I have to say I can’t blame him because if he is the only Breadwinner the stress of more children could be more than he is willing to handle

If you want more kids then straight up tell him that what he wants and what you wanted are not the same so it may be time you move on. If you want more kids and he doesn’t find someone who wants a family like you want. Why waste time?

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I get what everyone is saying it’s his body his choice. But, if they were in a relationship then he should have discussed it with her!

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First off y’all aren’t married second he has no obligation to to tell you what he was doing third if he doesn’t want any more kids & you do then I say it’s over for y’all fourth if y’all haven’t communicated this with each sense being together it will never work for y’all

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Super smart of him to protect himself!! If you want more kids than leave now!!

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I believe he has the right to do what he did. How many more would you want?

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If you didn’t want anymore kids and your boyfriend did…would you still have more kids just because he wanted them? My body my choice . I am a firm believer that men have that same right.

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How many kids you want should have been discussed a long time ago. It’s his right to not want more kids and it’s your right to want more. If not having more kids is a deal breaker then it’s time to move on. Out of all of this the main concern is lack of communication in the relationship.

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My husband did that even though I wanted one more it’s still a patriarchal society. You have to decide if you can live with what he chose to do or leave and find a different partner

He made a decision that was best for him and maybe your family . He loves you enough to raise kids that are not his yet you will consider leaving him for a choice he made about his body. I would think about that before you make a hasty decision.

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Hes a selfish asshole and I personally would leave especially if you want more kids. He should of had a convo with you before and the fact he didn’t shows how much he don’t respect you.

Ooof. He told you he didn’t want anymore children, and he made the right decision foe himself. He is not obligated to tell you what he does with his own body especially since he’s protecting himself like a responsible adult. This sounds like you need to have a discussion with him and if he truly feels that way then let it be or move on. He has every right, it’s his body. Your tune would change if the roles were reversed. Sounds like you have problems communicating and that needs to be addressed especially if you’ve been together that long.

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There’s nothing to do, you can’t force someone to want more kids or guilt someone into having another because you don’t feel like your done. You either go find someone who wants a bigger family like you do or be happy with the kids you have and spoil your grandkids.

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Yes it’s his choice and you’re not married, but if you find it a deal breaker and want more children you have every right to end the relationship. I’m not saying to end it, you really just got to ask yourself if this is what you want. I’m not one to judge I have 6 living children and 2 angels. You really just need to do some internal soul searching.

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He didn’t want anymore kids.It’s his body and yes I know you’ve been with him for several years but you do have one child together…it wasn’t nice he couldn’t just come out and tell you that he went through a vasectomy without telling you….

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His body his choice. Three kids aren’t enough?

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The only thing what he has done wrong is he doesn’t want anymore. was not to tell you he was having it done . It is his choice maybe he thought you would try talk him out of it . Which u no u would have tried .your lucky u have children .why not just settle for the ones you have and enjoy them and life

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Is he paying his own way and does he treat you good? :face_with_raised_eyebrow::+1:t3:

If he had told you before the vasectomy and you objected, would you have left him?
Is your problem that he had one or that he didn’t tell you before he had one? Just wondering prior to getting pregnant with your son, did he want kids? Was it a planned pregnancy? Maybe he realizes that to give the three kids you all have now is all he can afford to support and give them the things he wants them to have.

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He doesn’t want more children so he made a decision for himself. You do, you made that decision for yourself. He is maybe thinking financially and because he’s helping you raise your kids from a previous marriage. Is he a good hardworking man? Does he treat you and your children well? Do you love him? If yes then respect him enough to have a conversation with him. If not leave him for a man that can give you a baby and nothing else. He sounds like a responsible partner and father.

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I don’t agree with doing something before talking to your spouse first. BUT, it is HIS body- HIS choice. You wouldn’t have had a say in it anyway, just as men don’t get a say in whether we tie our tubes or not. They don’t even get a say in whether or not a woman aborts his child. It’s not okay that you’re upset about it. You have children, you’re blessed. Don’t make him feel bad about his decision about his body or his future

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Well the fact he made such a big decision without mentioning it to you… let alone discussing it… should tell you a lot about your relationship.
What he did was his choice but at the very least he should’ve discussed it with you as his future wife/life partner.

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He’s in a relationship with you… I feel like it at warranted a conversation. Yes it’s his body … but out of courtesy for both of your relationships he should have discussed it with you.

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His body, his choice

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Good for him for making his own choice about his own body. Sns…his body his choice💁

If the 3 year old is an “oopsie” baby then I don’t blame him. He probably can’t trust you to take your pills.

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He should of told you he was thinking of it … but his body his choice

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It’s his body. Men are allowed to control their own bodies just like women.

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