How do I deal with my boyfriends ex who is also his baby mama? Long story short, I take care of him when my boyfriend is at work and when we’re all together. She’s rude and disrespectful to me about everything. She even tries to change my plans over hers. On holidays we have to wait for her to give the ok when she wants us to get him. On my own kids birthday I have to wait to take him for plans we have because it’s also her dads birthday. I’m to the point where I don’t know if I can do it any longer. What should I do?
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Better get used to it! My husband has two baby Mama’s. It’s a process of give and receive and if there is no giving on her end things will be tough. Just do your best to ignore it, stay positive and just be the adult. Your kids are YOURS so give them the best life you can and the rest will fall into place. 
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Your kids birthday, if on her day, is not her problem. And based on custody order she may have every right to do that for holidays. Long story short, this is between him and her not you. And your kid doesn’t really have anything to do with their arrangement either. If you want his son at the birthday then have it on your boyfriends day.
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Either grow up and play nice with eachother or get a custody order.
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You, not much. Your Boyfriend, get a more detailed and specific custody order in place.
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Talk it out, work it out or move on. Baby mama drama not worth it.
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That’s what you signed up for sweetie… Just do the best you can and be flexible! Flexibility makes everything so much easier. She can be rude and disrespectful all she wants but her feelings and opinion of you don’t really matter. Those kiddos and your husband love you and that’s what matters. Keep that in mind!
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Get a custody order and follow that. Baby momma drama is a lot to deal with. It can eventually be a deal breaker. I know I’m getting to that point
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no, tell him to get a baby sitter at her place.
I have a boyfriend who has an extremely bitter BM … honestly it’s all about control and I hate to say it but if your boyfriend isn’t doing much about it continue your plans even if it doesn’t involve his child 
eventually it’ll come to their eye as they get older that the only reason they miss out on fun things is because of their mother
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its gonna be this way rest of your life-accept it or be gone
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Get a more detailed custody order, get used to it, or leave.
Pretty simple.
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how many of his babys are you willing to take on?
Look
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Unless he has a custody agreement then there is nothing you can do.
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If he doesn’t, then he should. If he does then he could take her to court for not abiding by it.
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As a mom, you should know what you get into when you are in a relationship with someone with a child.
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You knew she was gonna be part of your relationship 
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Holiday’s you can’t really change, on your kid’s birthday, honestly I would keep my plans the same. she doesn’t give you the kid in time to go somewhere ? Guess the kid isn’t apart of it. I’m sorry, but that part would make me mad… your child’s birthday doesn’t resolve around her. Or your bf stays home and waits for his kid then can meet you guys for the plans you already had made for your kids.
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I agree with #VickyBowley above. Until then your man’ child can do it for you, when your plans go forward without him. (I know seems cruel)
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Get it set in stone now … lawyer up! I’ve dealt with this and 10 yrs later still no change .
My advice, don’t date people with kids!
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I was in almost the same position before we got full custody. When it’s your kid’s birthday don’t change the plans because of her. Either his child misses it or he can wait on his child and bring him/her there. Holidays is always a struggle but He should be the one talking with her and getting a better visitation schedule. If he doesn’t put his foot down it will ALWAYS be like this. Sorry sweetie
I would start with showing some respect and calling her your boyfriends childs MOTHER. not baby mama. Because she’s always going to be around. Second I would talk with you S/O about your frustrations. See what he thinks and then he or both of you can address it. Good luck
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I’m glad you are trying to make the child part of your life even though the baby mama is difficult. That speaks volumes of your character 
As a mom it is hard to let your kids go. It could just be hard for her to see you being a big part of his life. Try to see it that way. I mean obviously she could be a straight up a hole but give her the benefit of the doubt. My fiancé’s BM is a turd. Their kids are 17 and 14 and she still causes problems. Just decide if you’re in it for the long haul or you may have to leave:woman_shrugging:t2:
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Tell him to file for custody order. If there isn’t a custody order then nothing y’all can do tbh. If you don’t think you can deal with it anymore then you need to leave cause sad to say you may start resenting the child due to the ex being difficult. The most you can do until a custody order is put in place you can Gray rock her unless it’s only about the child. You need to get a backbone and stand up for yourself when she’s being disrespect to u. Stop changing your plans because of her honestly because the more you do the more she’s going to expect you to drop everything when she wants which honestly is what she wants n gets n you guys are letting it happen n she’s going to continue to do it until she sees that you guys aren’t going to drop or rearrange your plans to suit her needs. Like I said tell him to file for a custody order it’s that simple
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Me and my fiance baby mama don’t like each other. I think she is scared of me cuz when she used to drop her son off or pick him up she stays by her car, or wait downstairs I have a sometimes mean personality and a resting b**** face but when my fiance is home she comes to the door. But u have to act nice to each other for the child’s sake.
Lawyer - parental agreement
Either get court orders and do it that way or walk away. I personally won’t wait around if I make plans and the child isn’t there oh well. All you can do is try and that means calling to invite saying the time and date.
Meet with her. Sit down and really try to hash the stuff out that you have a major problem with. Try to compromise where possible. Try to handle it like adults, but don’t forget that you have ZERO rights over her child. You’re not even married to that child’s father. If this isn’t a possibility, talk with your boyfriend and see if he agrees with anything you’re noticing, and then if he wants to take it to court, get something worked out, then he can. If not, and that’s a deal breaker for you, leave.
It’s her kid, so you work around her. 
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I dk why you are dealing with her at all?
She’s not your problem to handle. If your bf wants his kid to attend things then he needs to make the effort to do so.
If she’s not willing to be reasonable with you then don’t stress yourself over it.
Let him sort it out if he wants to and if not then it is their problem. But do keep in mind how he treats her and the child will be how he treats you if you guys ever break up. So just pay attention.
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Court order and then it’s always consistent and nobody can’t change plans. Then you can plan accordingly.
Call me a baby mama and we will have problems too. Respect me!
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Dating someone with children presents itself with these kinds of challenges. It personally was a dealbreaker for me back in the day. I don’t deal well with the predicament like the one you are in. The ex is calling the shots, and it doesn’t appear that your boyfriend can stand up to her.
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Tell him to get court ordered visitation and work around that , don’t switch weekends if she ask and it will change. . Been in similar situations, have your kids party even if the others miss it , it’s sad and seems off but it will all fall into place if he loves you and she knows you are not going to bow down to them .
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Yes best advice if you want to stay is go to court and get partial custody and that will solve everything if you, don’t have children with the man then you need to talk to him and tell him you are fed up and he needs to do something about it or you’re leaving
#lovetheoneyourwith been there done it 30 yrs ago it was hard but after 2 yrs bit my tongue and made my plans accord. they will come around
It’s up to your boyfriend to legally stop this abuse. Yes, this is abuse to everyone involved. Make your plans and don’t worry about the rest. If he’s not willing to put a stop to this, she won’t quit and will continue to make your life a living hell which will make you resent him.
Tell her to find someone else to watch the kid & YOUR kids come first when it’s their birthday !
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Run and don’t look back!
Let him deal with her 
Please think long and hard about marrying this man because this ex situation will not change. Your boyfriend needs to put his foot down also. It sounds like she’s running everyones life by being complicated about visitation. Is this man good to you, is he good to your children, is he a good provider?
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Don’t wait for the kid. Continue on with your own plans.
I do it with my own kids father and my bf kids.
If the kids miss out. Too bad. The other parent is just doing it out of spite.
And it will get better. My ex has been good for the last few years.
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Idk how his orders are… but my ex gets my boys for their birthday between 6pm-8pm if said birthday doesn’t fall on his visitation and vs for me. The only way to get through to her is go explicitly by the orders. No compromises. If she cant, he needs to file her in contempt and a judge will give him custody. I’ve seen it a hundred times where the ex is butter and withholds the child, only to lose custody. Judges hate it when a child is used as a pawn and a weapon against the other parent.
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We go through the same thing. This is going on 10 years now. I absolutely do not wait for her at all. Set a time and day you are supposed to get the child. If she isn’t ready then oh well, go on with your day. Stop letting her control your life. Also this is something the MAN of the child should be taking care of. These are things he should be teller her. If you don’t, your relationship won’t last! You can’t disappoint your OTHER children, because of your step children’s bio mother. Its not fair. But absolutely put in the effort to see the child. Dont just say ahh screw it and forget about him, because its to much of a hassle to deal with the mother. Because that would make you no better than she.
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Sometimes things are more complicated than it seems. Don’t listen to the people telling u to leave him or other stupid things. As parents u have to try to compromise as much as possible. Some times the other side is bitter and does not want to help or they just want to make your life hell or your boyfriend life hell. So u try to reason the best u can. Sometimes yes u just have to make a stand but just realize there will be repercussions that will come along with that. Most likely baby momma is not gonna change. If u love your man just try to understand what he goes through and that its not fun for him either. These can be very tricky situations. Its not always fun but don’t let the other person win by u leaving. That is what she would love to happen .
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Yea I would say that’s your bf’s responsibility to communicate pickup/drop off times with her. Maybe ask him to communicate those times with her ahead of the scheduled event so there’s no last minute pick up times being thrown around. That way you can plan accordingly.
The only thing you can do is talk to your bf about your concerns, it’s up to him to communicate with his ex and make better arrangements. If he’s okay with the way things are then you decide if you want to stay and deal with it or move on.
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Your boyfriend should be the only one talking to her and he should have a court order not wait for her to let him parent his own kid. So either he mans up and deals with her or it will continue
It is unlikely to change. My stepson’s mother is horrible! I understand where you’re coming from. My advice is to move on…
Make your own plans. You can’t let her say what you can so. She is still in control.
Been there done that some exes are worse then gum stuck in your hair I had to deal with his till they turned 18 I can’t stand his ex and at times we thought we would separate but that’s what she wanted and to piss her off I didn’t budge let her be petty and just do you if you both have plans then he needs to put his foot down and say well if you don’t bring the child then we can’t wait or fight for a better custody situation hopefully she doesn’t turn the kid against you like mine did because then you’ll have 2 against one and it’s not fun but I learned that if that happens eventually they sort of grow up and it won’t be so bad I have one of em living with me and he’s an adult I’m trying my hardest to make him get on his own because she fked them up really bad just ignore her she’ll never like you but things will change
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Thats is your child not yours. She will always be his mama.
Its his dads responsibility to communicate. You will never be his mom. You are complaining way to much.
Stop enabling her behaviour .go ahead with your plans your bf needs to get his shit together also
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Do what you have planned. She can bring the kid to you instead of waiting for him
Stay in there it does get better 
Dad only needs to communicate with her
Tell her ass to stay out of it it you child shit don’t ever let some one else take over
I say cut ties don’t answer the phone
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Girl stop letting that. Woman control you donyr thing either. The kid comes or left out sounds rude bit she’s being bitch …don’t throw away. A good man over some stupid immature female. Be bigger person disengage when. She starts shit. Don’t speak bad about her around the child. …
Respect is a 2 way street. I don’t call my hubby’s ex wife baby mama I call her dumb c*** cuz that’s exactly what she is… “you people” getting all offended with her saying “baby mama” need to lay off… could be worse 
Unfortunately im in the same boat except this woman is a DEMON…Like trying to ruin our lives demon…and honestly we have been through hell cause of her but once we stopped letting her control us and we just did what we wanted and ignored her temper tantrums, she backed off a little. Immature people like that want a reaction out of you. Don’t give it to her.
Agree. With. You. Heidi
Find another man! That child’s mom will always be more important than you. My suggestion is to find someone with no kids or older kids.
Already saw this one like a week ago lol
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Have your bf go to court and get visitation so she can’t say when you can and can’t get him. Problem solved.
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Tell him to get visitation in place. And honestly if it’s this annoying to you now you should just pack up and leave
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The dad should got court and get it all laid out. For my kids birthday I would just do whatever they wanted. I think the Dad needs to
Step up here
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Have your BF get a set visitation schedule
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Firstly don’t expect anything like gratitude or respect from BM you’ll only disappoint yourself. Secondly dad needs to man up and get a CO or this will be your life livung under BMs thumb. You don’t just have a BM problem your man’s lack of a back bone is the problem too. Time to reflect what u want for yourself bcus BM isn’t changing so change what u can control.
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Been there done that and the best advice I can give is to have you’re boyfriend go to court for legal visitation time that she doesnt have the option to change. My husband has 2 children by 2 different woman. Hes got a custody agreement with his daughters mother that states we get her every weekend and every other holiday. Shes actually really cool and would let us take his daughter whenever we want her. We have full custody of his son and have had it for about 5 years now, but before we went to court his bio mom went out her her way to make it impossible for him to be a father to his son simply because she didnt like the fact that he was dating somone else. The best way to handle shit like thos is to take it to court. And you cant do anything, he has to do it so you need to sit down with him and have a talk about the situation and figure out what hes willing to do before anything.
Wait, so… because she doesn’t jump for you when y’all have plans because she has them too, you’re upset?
The whole disrespectful thing is something he needs to address, but honestly, if she’s allowing him to see his child you shouldn’t make a big deal
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Why should she care about your kid’s birthday over her kid’s grandpa? You are petty.
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Get everything in writing. We get my husbands son every weekend… even tho it says the parties can change if they both agree his ex thinks it’s okay to do whatever she wants half the time to keep.us waiting. We took her back and had exact times added so she couldnt screw us over anymore. Go get it in writing
Until you’re married you have no say. You’re JUST the girlfriend.
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Ok for all of y’all saying she petty are rude as hell…it isnt petty to want to have some sort of schedule In place she has to deal with a kid thats not hers and she has to deal with a mom who has no regard for the others personal life…I would have ur bf sit down and make a schedule that way plans can be made around that if she wants to make last minute changes tell her she should have called the night before…just because he sees his kid doesn’t mean her plans should ruin the other kids birthday or hinder it y’all are petty for even thinking that’s an option no wonder y’all single
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This was already posted and we told you unless there is a custody agreement, she can do as she pleases. Also your a mom, would you do this as well? Not your kid not your rules
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She will always be part of the pic…so I would try to find a common grounds all together…but for the time being…and I hate to be rude but your the girlfriend…This would be your boyfriend’s and his ex situation for child purposes…been there done that!! They need to resolve their issues first…
Make plans for you guys, don’t wait for her. And if the kid can’t be there we’ll than that’s to bad. If you have to leave at 9am let’s say and she calls at 10am just say sorry but we already left.
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Go to court to get legal visitation. In my divorce everything was mapped out so there’s no discussion. This would be the dads issue though not yours so he needs to step it up. You taking care of the child during the fathers time doesn’t mean you have a say as you’re his girlfriend.
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My only advice is get used to it or leave. The SM roll doesn’t get any easier and BM’s don’t usually let up. Not to be rude but until you’re married you have no say so and even if you do marry you still have next to no say so. Been here done this…
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Stop making plans around her plans ask her once about it if it can work then just go about your plans…
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Damn, some of the babymamas on here are BITTER🤦🏽♀️
If you haven’t tried, talk to her. Maybe, she doesn’t realize it’s upsetting you, or maybe y’all just need to talk and find common ground. If Grandpa’s birthday is on the same day as your kids, ask her if y’all could swap it up every other year or something to that nature. Mixing a family is hard, sometimes on birthdays and such, everyone may not be able to celebrate together. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t plan to have a small birthday dinner to include all the kids, even if it’s not on the day of the birthday! You can still celebrate your child’s birthday on that day, I’m not saying not to at all! Sometimes, just working around and making 2 separate plans can save a lot of hurt feelings! We have a total of 5 and we’ve always had to work around everyone else. But you can make it work and keep your sanity. I promise. Keep your head up!! 
If you’re not his step mom and just the girlfriend, you can’t do anything. That’s between him and the child’s mother. It’s her kid and if it’s on her time, she can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t have to answer or cater to you.
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When people say your only the girlfriend that’s pretty shitty. Some people are together for ages and just dont want to get married. Doesnt change that the other person is still a parental figure.
Does he have visitation, does he have set times to see the child? If not he should and she will have to abide by it as well.
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I know it’s frustrating, but as a mom, I don’t tend to think about their dad when planning their life. Here’s why:
He chose a life away from us. Our lives continued on. Since he’s not the primary parent, we carry on my families traditions and plans. You don’t have to like her, but that kid loves her and your ex laid down and made a baby with her. My boyfriend still has a lot of love and respect for his babies mom and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So they didn’t work out,but she’s raising and loving their son, which, having done that with three boys myself, I absolutely respect that. Yes, her plans come first. As long as that little boy is loved and my boyfriend is allowed to make up that time later, I’m totally for it. In fact, even of she DID disrespect me, (which she never has) I’d deal with it and bite my tongue because I know what it’s like to be in her spot. Raising a kid 5 days a week along with other kids isn’t easy. She’s not doing it to be a jerk. But when you’re a mamma and your man leaves, you don’t just bend over backwards to accommodate his new life.
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Wasn’t this just posted like last week?? 
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Your bf needs to get a parenting plan in place
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Make your plans and let her know that her child can either be included or not but you’re not making plans around them anymore. She can respect you or she can kick rocks. the same way everyone here is telling you that she doesn’t have to wait for you it’s her child she can do what she wants you have your children and you can do what you want and if she’s not up to meeting you on your plans then that’s her fault and her kids will lose out.
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Stop being a free babysitter for your boyfriend and its bith their kid. Let the bio parents deal with it
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Just let the boyfriend know what time and where the party is and go have a good time with your child. Doesn’t seem like boyfriend is putting your child first as you do his.
You gotta think of it from her P.O.V. Being a mom and staying on schedule is hard sometimes. If your son wants her son there then there’s just gunna have to be some patience on your part. That’s his grandpa. And that’s how being a girlfriend or boyfriend to someone’s kid is. Many sacrifices have to be made. If you don’t want to sacrifice your time you honestly should leave. Baby daddy can find someone that’s willing to do that.
Just stick to your plan. If the mother tries to interfere then leave the kid to her and move on. My husband’s ex was always like this. She would have her own plan but I talked tomy husband about how I feel and glad my husband is always on my side. I know she’s just doing to it in purpose. We actually cut our ties to her, blocked her so she can’t bother us. We just talk to my husband’s oldest child who is 21 and he would ask his younger bro if he wants to come or not. It’s not really a big deal now if he won’t because of his crooked mom.
Here’s my 2cents, you and your bf have a life. She has a life. She’s aware that there is things happening cause you tell her. If she wants to be petty, let her be. Just don’t encourage or entertain her. If it means the the child misses out on things that he could have enjoyed, she’s going to have to explain to him one day why he couldnt be present at every event.
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This is the exact same post.
I had this same situation. I couldn’t make any plans. If they included my boyfriend &/or his son they’d be late or not come at all. If I made plans not including them they’d show up & change my plans. It was awful. I learned it wasn’t all her though. He did the same to her. He was really good at making me think it was all upto her & I was of lesser value because she was the first baby momma etc. My advise to you is to leave. It’s not going to get better. You’re always going to be at their neck n call.
Not much you can do. She is the mother. She probably feels threatened, what if he starts liking you more, wants to spend more time with you, etc? All parents worry about that. If you can calmly talk to her, try, if not, just care for him as best as you can. If you really can’t take it anymore, then walk because unless a talk happens, it probably isn’t going to change.
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How long have y’all been together?? My daughter is my only child that goes to her dads house and her stepmom (they are not married but they been together for like 5 years) takes care of my daughter while she is there. I use to worry about if my daughter was being treated right when I wasn’t around. And I use to be nervous about things that go on there so maybe that’s how she is. But I think once the trust is formed being able to coparent becomes easier. Or if his son is telling his mom things that happened at the house or whatever it makes the trust harder. Have you tried talking to her. Telling her your not trying to take her place as a mother you just want to be the best stepmom type figure in his life that you can be. If she has any concerns about anything you are there for her to come to you about it. Because in the end you guys want one thing and that’s for the little boy to be loved and cared for no matter who’s house he is at. So my suggestion is let her know that your there and you want to be able to coparent with her and that your not trying to take her place as a mother but you want to love him and care for him as your own while he is there.
How much do you love this man? Is he willing to step up and stand with you?
Also, sounds like baby mama is using her child to hold everyone over the barrel. NOT GOOD. How much do you like this child. Are you willing to be the bright spot in his life.
Things to think about.