How to get a nine-year-old daughter who claims she doesn’t care about anything, including taking toys away, time outs, completely cleaning out her room, so she doesn’t have anything besides necessities, getting hollered at…etc. She will sit there with the 'I don’t care" attitude, and nothing phases her. How do I get her to care about her hygiene (she showers when told, but sometimes I don’t think she truly washes real good)and how she matches(most the time) for school?
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Her “I don’t care” attitude may seem like rebellion but it’s most likely depression, anxiety or just plain defeat. She’s probably going through something emotional, but you’ll never know and only keep drifting farther from her because you’re “punishing” her instead of trying to support and connect with her. Sit down, let her know you’re there for her, let her open up and try being a mother instead of a drill sergeant before she turns 18 and cuts contact forever!
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She needs a therapist asap. Very concerning at her age.
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Bathing is a battle worth fighting, but her choice of outfits is not…as long as boobs and butt are covered.
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I’m going through something similar with my 9 year old, but its extra delicate because she’s a foster child, so parenting and punishing trauma kids is so much more complex! We have a marble jar with rewards that she can redeem for fun experiences like screen time or right now we are at a McDonalds playland.
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Stick with punishment and she’ll eventually care!!
Don’t react to her mouth or attitude. She’s setting you off on purpose.
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I’m in this phase right now too. Just hang in there. Pick your battles. As long as she is clean and healthy let her wear what she wants (within reason) if she has a bad attitude ignore it the best you can. She wants attention then she needs to act right. She wants a reaction. Don’t give it to her. Good luck.
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That’s a good thing. Material things don’t matter. Maybe try to talk to her and form a relationship based on feelings and listen to her
Take everything away. She doesn’t care right?
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I’d take her to see a therapist or at least talk to her pediatrician. When I was that age I was suicidal, seems young but I was being bullied and my parents knew. Didn’t know how bad it had gotten.
It could also very much just be a phase, some kids just don’t care about looks. As long as the clothing is appropriate for the weather and school policy then that’s a pick your battles moment.
A lot of kids go through the bad hygiene phase too.
Unless these things are super out if the normal for her I wouldn’t worry but never hurts to run it past her pediatrician for suggestions.
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Sounds like depression
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Is she left with other carers?
Look at who she’s spending time with away from you.
Could she have been abused? Bullied?
Make this a priority to investigate today.
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It sounds like she is beginning to test her boundaries and assert her independence, both are perfectly normal. As she ages, these issues with take care of themselves. If someone tells her she stinks or says something about how she is dressed, she will self correct. As much as some parents want to protect their kids, this is how they learn and no amount of talking from your end will be as effective as experience. You need to allow kids to learn to navigate on their own a bit. Unless it is something truly offensive, let her learn.
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So she seems to have given up on everything. It may be something going on at school, might be she’s suffering abuse at the hand of another family member that you don’t know of. Sometimes children/teens that are being sexually abused stop taking care of themselves and give up on hygiene in the hopes it repels their abusers. Hopefully it’s not sexual abuse but you really need to get her to a safe space and have a good one on one with her or to talk to a professional mental health professional.
Let her stink. The other kids will let her know.
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She’s most likely going through something. Talk to her instead of punishing her for her attitude. Be there for her.
It’s her age. Her body and hormones may be getting ready for puberty and she isn’t sure how to handle it. Has there been any drastic changes in your guys lives? That could also be affecting her attitude
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Get her in with a councilor that can work with her on healthy ways to express her self and her emotions. She probably has things going on she doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about. She’s either scared to get in trouble or you won’t take her seriously and judge her. Just talk with her like she’s person who’s going through something not a misbehaving child. Kids are no different then adults we just seem to always hold them at higher standards then we seem to hold ourselves.
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Instead of punishing your child maybe you should actually talk to her with no attitude. She got
Problem even if you don’t think they are real problems they are to her. If you don’t want to send her to a actual therapist one that will talk to her not
Just prescribe her pills to take
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My youngest suffers the same she is 12. Very active in therapy and on depression meds. She is ADHD extreme and being tested for autism. The attitude is a struggle but we hug. I encourage hot relaxing baths, journals, family game night, and lots of hugs! Taking away their things, isolating them more makes things worse. Saying a prayer for you❤
Every child I had went through the same phase around that age. They all grew out of it and are productive adults now. Also matching of clothes shows her creativity, could turn out to be a fashion designer. Unless it continues throughout her teenage years, I wouldn’t worry to much.
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Sell her on Esty. 🤷🤣
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Have the same problem with a 10 year-old girl I’m babysitting. Normally it’s because the parent doesn’t follow through with punishments and she knows privileges will be given back soon.
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Maybe talk to her and see why she doesn’t care? Or find a third party she’ll talk to because if you’ve punished her for so long over her feelings, I’d say there’s not going to be a lot of trust or vulnerability there for her to go on. Arbitrary punishments and rules and restrictions for things that don’t click to kids as being worth fighting or being punished for really only punish parents because they’re the ones left wracking their brains and missing out on experiencing and enjoying things with their kids 
There’s probably something happening, even if it’s as simple as her being on the verge of puberty and not knowing how to handle her own thoughts, feelings or hormones.
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It will fix when she’s in her
30 ‘s:rofl:
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Honestly as some people said it can be an underlying issue that may need to be addressed by a professional. I didn’t come from the most stable background as a kid and at my worst I felt numb. Just like nothing mattered. Idk if this is what she feels. Some said it could be a normal behavioral phase, and that may be, but it’s hard to tell from just the info I see here or even to you as a parent rn. Definitely try to level with her and see if she has any issues and professional involvement wouldn’t hurt if you see it worsens. There’s 2 main types of “I don’t care” the “testing boundaries” kind and the “everything is a meaninglessness void- aka depressive/mentally unhealthy” kind.
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Sit back and figure out what she DOES care about right now going out with friends, anything just watch her for a while it’s a relearning process when they get to this age
Make a time machine, travel to the future. You’ll have an older daughter that might possibly not have the “I don’t care” attitude.
As long as she “doesn’t care” she maintains the control. Is she ADD or ADHD by chance?
She’s only just getting to that point where kids get mean. You can try social stories (look it up) and discussing “hidden rules”, like we shower regularly so we don’t stink up others space. As far as punishment… it took us a long time to find what we could take from our daughter to motivate her. I would also see a doctor about it. It could be depression, or autism, or something else. Ultimately, her friends will tell her when she smells, and as for you, find her motivation and take it. My daughter is only motivated by removal of electronics, dessert/treats, and her brother (yes, I take away access to her brother.) There must be something, and if not, there’s something deeper going on.
The shower thing can be changed with effort on your part, it’ll be annoying and take time away from doing things but don’t give her any privacy. Make her shower in front of you and tell her what to do and when to do it. I had the same problem with my child. After two months she got sick of it and started to do it on her own.
I wouldn’t be too worried about the matching clothes thing. Just let her match her own clothes. It’s fine.
With general punishment, try making her write sentences. We took away all my kids toys, cleaned out her room, anything fun she wasn’t allowed to do (daily at school she was getting in trouble for playing, distracting others, yelling, hitting, etc.) I started making her write sentences and now her attitude is completely different at school after a month. She HATES writing sentences.
She could be depressed. My son was very withdrawn. Took him to counseling, he is on prozac but doing so much better
What about getting her some nice bath bubbles and things and some candles and face masks and stuff and have a girly night in either your room or hers with loads of junk food and movies , maybe spending some time alone with her will bring her back out to her normal self to me it sounds like it’s just her age I have a nearly 16 year old and trust me the attitude doesn’t get any better as they age lol 
mine still thinks she knows best and she has learned from many mistakes even tho I tried to tell her , the only thing u can do is be there when she makes the mistakes she will soon realise mum knows best x
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Give it right back to her for the most part. She doesn’t care when she goes to bed or if she eats? Neither do you. She doesn’t want to shower? Let her stink. She doesn’t care about toys etc being taken away? Donate them all to charity and make her take them there. The clothing matching isn’t a big deal. Take everything out of her room and leave a mattress, and a blanket. No pillow. And only 5 outfits. One for each day of school. She doesn’t care about what she has or what you say? Don’t care about her (hypothetical, don’t just ignore/neglect her). But give her the same things she gives you. She is rebelling. Rebel against her rebellion. Stop being on top of her with discipline and what not. If she’s late for school because she don’t care? Neither do you. She gets detention for too many tardies? That’s on her not you. She doesn’t do homework? Let her fail the classes. That’s on her not you. Show her how it feels when nobody cares. She wants to eat? Tell her to fix food for herself because you don’t care if she eats. Being tougher and harder won’t help. Just stop caring. Do the same things she does to you. I’ve thrown tantrums when my two year old has in public or even my 5 year old. They wanna do it just cause they’re frustrated? Cool fine by me but if they want to do it and get away with it then I don’t mind embarrassing myself by doing the same thing. Sometimes kids don’t understand what they’re saying all that well. You have to show them what they’re doing is wrong
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Discipline. Youve failed as a parent
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You sure you want my advice?
Just my opinion. This straightened both of my daughter’s attitude up real quick.
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Bust her ass… make her do burpees…
She is probably a bath girl my daughter friggin hated the shower so I let her wear a cute swimsuit and play in the bath tub
U think it’s bad at 9… wait till she’s 13-14… I wanted to drop my child off at the fire station…
it was terrible for a few years… its waaaaay better now… he just turned 16 this month…
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Trust me she cares and all that punishment will do is make her bitter later in life be kind. her body is changing and she is probably a little confused and shy.
something must be pretty important to her to risk losing everything she cares about all spanking proves is I’m bigger than you and I will hurt you
just try to find out what it is that is bothering her maybe she will talk to another trusted woman who isn’t you about it
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What is she doing that she is being punished for? I see the punishment but otherwise showers and her dressing for school? Don’t let that bother you. As a teens we got baths one day a week, the youngers every night. Actually wasn’t even a teenager yet. Are these the things she is punished for? Putting toys away in her room? Her room in my opinion should be her ‘space’. Doesn’t put them away let them lay where ever. Anywhere else pick them up and box them up. Put box in your closet. No biggy don’t say a word. If she mentions it ask her where she left it. Then turn around. Hygiene let her pick out some awesome smelling bubble bath and run a bath for her in the evening. Maybe she will relax a bit. Be patient and don’t be quick to punish, she is defiant to prove a point. She cares but you will never see that. Get to know her friends and parents. Makes a huge difference who she hangs with in school. Her grades? It will be okay Mom. She is going through allot of physical changes might be close to starting her periods. Have supplies on hand for that. I started at 10 at my grandma’s and mad dash to a store to get supplies for me. Mom took me with my little brother.
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Also sexual abuse can manifest in this way
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She will be orange before long
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This might help with the hygiene.
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She doesn’t care cause you parent based on power.
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with the showering and clothing… honestly I think all kids go through a phase about that when they start hitting puberty
I’ve seen people that will literally take everything out of the child’s room except for a bed. Then they get sent straight to their room after school only coming out to eat. I think that’s a bit extreme but maybe think of it as a last resort. It could teach her to appreciate and value things.
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Ignore the negative attitude and ignore the good attitude she gives when she wants something. I found nothing I did was good enough but when she wanted something and i refused or ignored it life began to change. Funny how that works.
My daughter just turned 11… it’s just the age. She still gets that way lol
A belt?. I don’t understand how anyone lets a child test them.
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Lol everyone saying to not punish her but then if she was a spoiled brat everyone would say she needs more punishing. I think most kids go through this phase. I remember going through it and I didn’t grow up hating my parents or life because they took things away from me. Maybe she needs to talk to someone? Maybe she’s just going through some changes.
Jeans and basic t shirts.
If she sees others dressing cute she will try harder.
Or hang her outfits and she can pick that way.
Headbands or helping her with doing her hair.
Get her a teen deodorant and some girli body sprays to help encourage her
Punishing a child for not bathing or dressing in matching outfits is not only unnecessarily controlling, it’s just going to drive a big wedge in the parent child relationship. If you are trying to push your daughter away this is exactly how to do it. The not caring could be the fact that the power struggle is so bad in the house that she’s now given up since she’s lost the only thing she has left… her bodily autonomy. It could also be a deeper issue that only a medical professional can diagnose, but either way, just stop. Let her make the decisions for her own body, and suffer the natural consequences as a result.
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Let her not care. Maybe do family therapy? Sounds normal though. Good luck.
My oldest was awful about age 14 /16 we both thought thats its we cut eachother off was so bad , now she is nearly 19 and we are so close , its like most things a faze , its so hard at times but will pass x
Spray her with the hose. Then you’ll kno if shes clean enough
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My uncle growing up had issues with hygiene. My grandparents stopped pushing it and he became the smelly kid in school, once kids started making fun of him for being smelly he started showering properly. 🤷 It was the only thing that got through to him.
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Lay off her. Stop nagging. Natural consequences. Dont punish.
If you are really concerned… look and see what triggers are in her life contributing to attitude. Usually… there is an underlying issue. Help her identify triggers and teach her coping mechanisms
take her to a therapist or a psychiatrist
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You smack that childs ass is how you do it
Best thing to do is take her to homeless shelters/missions and put her to work helping make food for them! Keep her by your side at all times! Ask local churches if they go to homes for really low income people to pray with them. You should go with them and take your daughter! Find ways for her to talk to children who don’t have their own parents around and miss them. Also take her to a children’s hospital to pass out toys or read books with patients. It may take a year of doing this stuff once a week but it sure straightens their attitude!
Another idea is to start asking for her thoughts on something the family is thinking of doing, what the consequences are, benefits, etc. is it necessary or just a desire. Have her tell you what’s the best decision and why. Then talk calmly about her good points and the points you disagree with and why. Do the same thing with things her friends are doing. Ask her if they made a good decision or not and why! Put her brain to work!
With me it was the starting of the new get ready hormones, made me depressed. I didn’t know it back then because no one told me about the chemical changes that was happening and what was coming. Time for the talk. Plus ask if someone is bullying her.
Girls are tough although it could be the age too. My 9 yr old son acts like a cat with water when I mention a shower. Try letting her pick out her own body care stuff (shampoo, soap, spray ect) see if that makes her want to use it more. He loves axe lol. As for outfits I hear you there too. Clothes are a nightmare here. Try going through weekly outfits ahead of time and hanging them up so it’s already set. Encourage her when she follows the system and does well. Sometimes I feel like I’m being too negative with punishment and getting no improvement that I step back and take the positive approach. When I’m lucky it helps 
lol
Maybe try giving her love and encouragement
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i take care of my 10 year old niece and she’s a pain in my butt i think my expectations are just too high 
i know what she’s capable of so i ride her ass 24/7. she hardly likes me, only when i buy her something 
I understand wanting her to care about her hygiene… but forcing her to match isn’t cool. If she likes to dress that way, why is a problem? Sounds like maybe you should stop forcing her to dress like the rest of the crown and embrace who she is and the rest might just become easy… sounds like this might be a case of “I don’t care about life period”.
Teach her how self care can also be self love. Don’t just yell and take things away. No child is going to care about their hygiene when they’re sitting in an empty room.
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Counseling! Most 9 year old girls definitely care about their appearance, friends, popularity, etc…
Mine certainly did! She cared about wearing cute clothes, fixing her hair, & popularly with the girls in her class. Something is up with her.
She can pick out her own outfits for school. That is an expression of who she is. As far as bathing, that would be a requirement. She wouldnt go anywhere or do anything fun until she has had a proper bath or shower. She would care when she is always sitting at home with no tv, computer, etc… she might not the first couple of times, she will when the other kids come back with fun stories and she is just sitting there.
She may be depressed. I remember not feeling like bathing or caring about much at all because I was depressed and exhausted due to it at about 11. I didn’t start seeing a therapist til I was 13
You can try a therapist just make sure you find a good one. The first one we tried with our daughter was awful and supported her bad behavior saying we expected too much of her by expecting her to clean up after herself and do chores at 10.
Kids are getting those “attitude” shifts earlier these days-you have to know kids learn by experiencing consequences more than anything else- it’s very hard on both parents and kids and it takes a great deal of time and much patience on the parents part-but hang in there & don’t give up on limits, etc-you may need some professional counsel on how to deal with your frustration to get you through these next years- have faith that one day you will seem to have gained more appreciation by your child- that may take a few years!
Sometimes there is an underlying cause. My daughter with this attitude had undiagnosed ADD and possibly depression. Sometimes bad additude is coverup for a hurting child.
It is a stage they go through I have an 8 year old!
First have her checked by a doctor to make sure she’s OK, if she is then go to the next step! Discipline! I know what kind of discipline I would use bit most people wouldn’t like it! But no parent should let their child disrespect them or anyone else! She will appreciate it in the future! It’s called tough 
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Make her do chores… sweep out the garage, alphabetize the books, dust the furniture, organize a junk drawer… what have you. Since she doesn’t care and all. 
My 10 year old son is the same exact way when he gets in trouble. I think he knows that irritates me to no end. 
My son is almost 14 and has been this way since i can remember. He will try anything even the most dangerous to his life as he still has that I dont care attitude. Literally has this attitude with everything. However i have fount taking games tablets etc does work after a bit of time passes. My son acts like it doesnt bother him but by a week in we see a different thing.
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During a time of non-conflict, explain why YOU care and how much you love her. Ask her why she doesn’t care. Listen and see if there is something you can work on together. I have a 12yo boy with ODD (strong-willed with defiance against authority). The majority of the time, it’s about control. After explaining consequences of his decisions (especially lack of showering and hygiene) I let it go. He’s one who has to see for himself “if the flame is really hot.” In the end, they all have a currency of some sort. Make her earn privileges by caring for herself. Offer a big reward if she does it all month long (special day out, something she’s wanted a long time, etc.). And remember that not everything others do with their kids will work for yours. I still dress mine like he’s an infant because he refuses to movein the mornings. Some days will be harder than others. Always tell her you love her and pray, pray, pray without ceasing. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling if you need it or think she needs it either. It’s not an easy road, this parenting thing. Hang in there!
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And , just fyi, it will ONLY get worse if YOU, HER PARENT, ALLOW IT TO GET WORSE! take charge of your kid and “nip it in the bud”!!
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There are certain stages that kids go through that have more to do with the hormones and growth than anything else. Also they struggle to get to know who they are, self identity. Make sure to take care of yourself with patience and not let this drive you crazy. Some kids are a little indifferent. Sounds like she has not developed a passion for any one thing in life yet. If she does too much extracurricular activities scale it back, she may be over tired. If she does little or no extracurricular activity add something in. You may take her to the doctor to make sure she does not have any health issues.
It doesn’t get easier… constant reminders every other day … shower or bathe her like a baby treat her as she is acting , if she wants to not be cleanly and take care of herself resort her make her an early bedtime of 7pm because she’s acting the way she is and that’s what children and babies do . Start acting as if you don’t care either as well if she wants to be made fun of then don’t come crying to you when she is picked on. Then when she starts to slowly transition back to caring show a lot of positive reinforcement for it by maybe buying her new makeup or showing her how to put on lipstick and make it fun
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Do what you say!! She cares!! Stick to it till attitude changes!! I promise it works, mine is 21 now! My son 20 people will come to me and tell me they the only ones there age they know with real respect.
Hormones are making her crazy, and she doesn’t know how to handle her moods… it gets better when they are in their mid twenties 
I had 2 daughters…good luck xx
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Seriously consider counseling or seeing her family doctor. The hygiene things could be a disorder, just saying it’s a symptom. It could be she’s going through hormonal changes too. But best to get her checked for sure. She might not be able to help it. Start there
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Maybe you should consider a doctor or counseling…maybe something deeper to consider. If they say all is good, then someone said a good spanking.
The shower thing will work itself out, it did with our daughter. When people at school ask her why she’s nasty. Another thing that worked with my niece is to threaten to get in the shower and wash the hair for her
She cares. She just doesn’t want you to know she does. I had a child like that.
Find her currency and use it. Computer, phone, time with friends…she has it.
Sounds like your daughter is suffering from depression. I went threw this with my daughter as well as my self. Please get her into a therapist a.s.a.p
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I have a grandson that is like that too he’s only eight I take away his electronics an make him play exercise actually works for him he gets happier and doesn’t give attitude
My son was the same way. It took kids making fun of him to care about his hygiene and appearance. As far as disrespecting you like that, I would make her clean out her own room right after I whooped her little ass in it!! But that’s just me!
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She may need to talk to a professional. Could be a lot deeper than just everyday life, bullying, sexual abuse, or that time of the of month is near. Be kind and thoughtful just love her.
Whip that ass and if that doesn’t help throw everything away except bed and chest, tell her if she wants nice things earn them that’s the reason my grandkids don’t have a cell phone they earn money but don’t want to pay so they do without and they are 17 and 15
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Find out what she is interested in besides shopping maybe a hobby or a sport explain to her she is part of the family and everyone else must do there part if she can’t or won’t do her part that she doesn’t have the right to expect presents or other things she wants to have
Pick your battles. Clothes aren’t a big deal. If she doesn’t care why should you? It took me a long time to learn that one. My daughter almost never wears matching socks. It drives me crazy but she doesn’t care so I choose not to.
Showers give her a couple years she’ll be in there all the time. For now, unless she gets really dirty, a couple times a week is plenty. There are those that say showering everyday dries out your skin anyway.
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im gonna guess she doesnt care because youve made empty verbal threats… unless youre following through on your punishments then no kids wont care what youre “going” to do
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Take her to the family shelter!!!
I work in an elementary school and mean kids are real. It starts young Have you thought about checking with her teachers and other people outside your home? Maybe there is underlying issues. Maybe she’s being picked on. Maybe she is hormonal. Maybe it’s easier to not care than to try and fail. I had a strong willed daughter and I got some advise that saved me a lot of anguish- give options where either one is okay. As the parent purchase items that will coordinate that way you both win with the options. My daughter had school uniforms so that helped but for a while she only had sweat pants and sweat shirts for outside of school. After my son showered at that age we did a smell test and if he didn’t pass he went back to the shower. That was a battle we knew we had to pick. Now when they get to 13- it’s all puberty 
.
Maybe it’s not an attitude but a defense or maybe it’s a bought of depression. The amount of stuff that is thrown at the youth these days is overwhelming for adults. I’d would check out every angle. Check with the pediatrician. Don’t give up on her. In the end it may be attitude but you can never be to cautious. Good luck.
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God let me know what helps my almost 4 year old is killin me!
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