Hi. I genuinely enjoy the outpouring questions on this group… I am hurting, and really bad. I have three grown children. All three were grown and out on their own when I divorced ten years ago. 2 of 3 of my children stay in touch with my ex, and I fight for their attention. ALL 3 have their own lives, none married yet. They are independent. I stress out daily for their attention. The only time they talk to me is when I am buying them things. They talk to my ex, plan outings with him, spend his birthday with him, and all major holidays. I invite them over; I beg to cook their favorite foods, ask them if I can take them to dinner; I’ve tried it all. What am I doing wrong? When I divorced, I asked for NO alimony, the ex got all three houses we still have mortgages on, and he rents them out. My name has to stay on the mortgages until they are paid off. My point here is this…I didn’t take him for anything in fear of my kids turning against me later on. I feel like they still did. I want my children in my life, and I’m almost out of energy by begging them. Please help. I can take criticism if it’s owed to me, so pls…if it’s me, tell me. Thank you. And I will add…I don’t and never have done drugs or alcohol abuse. I have been at my job for 19 yrs, way before the divorce. I’m so torn, and I need answers. Or advice…
My heart just breaks for you !
I am going through the same thing with my three grown daughters and their father.
I’m looking for advice too .
Stay strong and if you pray keep praying 
The age of your kids will play a huge role here, especially 20-whayever year olds are busy making their life.
My parents are together but I have a very strained relationship with my mother thats improved with age ( I realise she means well of even we disagree on methods)
And my relationship with my father is alot easier…
All I can say is be present, checking, dont be passive aggressive in your role, so don’t say im always here but never initiate contact.
Call for birthdays, check up if u know promotions/ even just seeing how things went like weekends away etc, don’t just become involved if your ‘needed’
Also be happy with yourself, look after yourself, get your nails done, hair etc, catchup with friends…
its hard to have someone use you for their self validation …
Also own yoyr part and listen, your kids will have their perception weather you agree or not, be honest and dont just shut down or play the victim.
There’s nothing more frustrating than someone who doesn’t make u feel heard.
I would honestly just stop bothering with them. It’s hurting you more by fighting for their attention than it would just ignoring them. If you’ve done nothing wrong they’ll soon realise they need to sort themselves out and make an effort with you.
Turn your back on them and see if they don’t have a different attitude
Quit trying so hard. You are acting needy and people hate that. Slow your roll and it will work out.
Momma I know its hard but STOP BEGGING! They are grown adults. When they are ready to interact with you they will. Forcing interaction will just push them away
They are grown adults. Ask them what you have done to push them away…only they know. But s previous person said…don’t be so needy. That turns people off.
Sounds like Dadhas money…the homes etc. Money talks! They’re hoping for some of it.
My guess is that your kids would have a different story. As someone who has no relationship with my toxic mom, she would absolutely make a post like this spinning herself as the victim.
Oh momma I am sorry 
I guess my question would be what caused this changed? Something transpired to change all 3 of them. No need to confess here but that’s the question you know the answer fix it.
Maybe just call them to see how they’re doing occasionally? Don’t ask them for anything, just start with saying hi and making some conversation.
Awe i feel for you. But you have to quit trying. Its going to run you to the ground. Enjoy your life and they will eventually come around…
Get involved in things you enjoy, make friends and do things with them. Live your life, they’ll track you down when they’re ready.
Be Straight up honest with them.
“Why don’t you guys associate with me? It really upsets me.”
Just stop calling and trying put the same effort in that they are and watch them start calling you wondering why you ain’t checking up on them. Sounds like they have took for granted that you will just be there when they want you to. Find some friends go out and enjoy your kid free life. Try new things that you always wanted to do and never got to do. Get a pet that you can take with you for walks or whatever you enjoy doing and focuses on that. Just live your life and stop worrying about theirs and I’m sure eventually they will realize that u went mia and come running to you wondering why you stopped putting effort in to be in their lives and at that point you can explain well I was trying but you didn’t seem interested in spending time with me so I put my time and energy elsewhere but I would very much love to be involved in your life if you would let me be.
I am guessing this is not the entire story. Your children know and I bet you do too. Be honest, don’t push, and don’t expect forgiveness.
They probably went through the same thing when they were little. Wanting attention and affection from the parents. They found out the hard way that it’s out of their control. It will take some time of healing. But definitely possible. Be patient. It will come… when it does…be prepared. There might be lots of questions on your way. Hugs 
Did you leave their dad for another man? Or anything? They could have resentment! I hate this for you either way. Sorry mama!
So why did you get a divorce and who’s idea was it? They could be resentful feeling like it was your fault 
There is some information being left out here… there is probably some healing your kids need to do… sounds like some repairing needs done here
I would say that you need to maybe try and have a discussion between you and them or see if they’ve discussed anything with your ex. We don’t know your history so we can’t say what’s going on. But good luck to you! Family is so important.
I would just leave them alone for awhile and if they reach out they reach out and if they don’t they don’t. You can’t keep trying to reach out to them cause all it’s causing you is stress and that’s honestly not good for your health trust me when I say this. Sometimes u gotta let go of toxic ppl even your own blood as hard as it is.
That hurts to read… I’m on the other side of this. I begged my mom to care and be a mom and…nothing.
I think you can leave the door open without begging. They should spend time with you because they want to, not just because you’re getting them things.
Ask them if there’s something about you that they dont like… Have a open and naked conversation with the 3 together.
Your situation its what I lived with my mom, I didnt stay so much in contact because I dont like how she always talks bad about other people, no my dad by still… And I go with my dad at least twise a week… Just talk to them and be open to change
If they don’t want to take the time to see you and love you then don’t force it fall back and let them do them. They will come to realize what has gone wrong. You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink. What they see is what they see regardless if it’s true or not. Only time will fix all things broken
Kids don’t just right off their parent for no reason. So there’s definitely some things missing from this story. So perhaps you need to reflect on actions or things you may have said or done prior to the divorce. Then you might be closer to understanding why they seem to have written you off essentially.
I have three kids that are in their 40’s I see my 2 daughter’s often and talk up them almost daily,but my son I haven’t seen since late December ,I stopped by his house once and knocked on the door and set in his driveway for awhile but no one came to the door, when I got home I texted him to tell him I stopped by, he said they were up stairs, I tried to see him ,I told his oldest daughter at least I tried.i know he loves me but I would like to see him, I know it’s hard but hang in there, things will work out
I would not beg, they probably see you as too clingy/needy. Just go about your life. Travel, join some groups, go out enjoy yourself. Dont be so concerned about them, they are grown. No amount of begging is going to get them to do what you want or they would be doing it now. Just take the focus off them and put it on yourself. Spend the money you were spending on them on yourself. I bet they start calling after that. If not, just enjoy your life, you cant make them pay attention to you.
So what the other side of the story… Or why did the divorce Happened? I feel there’s a part missing.
Just give them space my stepmom/mom is really needy … for my sanity. I’m taking a long break from her. I give and give and give. But I don’t get nothing back from her just complain, needy, jealous at my mother in-law and say how no one cares for her , if she died no one would care, that I don’t make time for her like before… God knows I would! etc. I can’t , especially with 4 kids … I need my sanity . I love my mom. But its for the best…
Just give them some space
You can’t force anyone to love you, not even your children, don’t beg for their attention, make your own life, your own path, your own happiness, I imagine the pain is very strong, but it’ll only wear you out and make your life miserable, the harder you try to draw someone in, the farther they’ll stray
Sounds like parental alienation from the ex to me.
My grandmother goes through this currently with my dad, aunt and is grandkids. She calls holidays obligated days. It’s just hard having our own lives while someone wants it to be all about them. My mom messages me every single day but isn’t hurt or offended when I don’t always respond. We were all raised to be independent adults and having someone ask us to be dependent again feels like being forced rather than being asked. I’d say to find individual hobbies, occupy your time as an individual adult. Stop buying them things unless it’s a holiday. Don’t bribe them for their time. They will decide to spend the time or not. Still offer here and there for holidays or lunches random weeks but otherwise all I can say is to give them their space. Check in here and there still do the mom thing but otherwise leave them be. They’ll come or they won’t. It’s a tough thing to accept but take the positive that they are independent on their own and don’t need you to carry them. Ya never know what they have going or how they are feelings.
I feel like we aren’t getting the whole story. Why would your kids just not like you but like your ex??
I have a 15 year old son. he will be grown soon and there is no way my heart would be able to handle it if he chose to stay away from me. I can’t imagine the immense hurt you have in your heart. No matter what’s missing from your story, any loving mother deserves her children’s love. I pray it gets better.
Toxic is toxic no matter who it is
I don’t know the history of the divorce and your children’s feelings about it. But from what you’ve said here I would stop focusing on your ex and competing for your kids attention. You won’t win favor with them by making them feel like you want them to choose or you resenting what they feel ( either directly or indirectly) with their father. You shouldn’t be wanting , expecting, demanding the same with them.
You should be happy and supporting that they have a good relationship with your ex post divorce. They aren’t doing that to spite you, or hurt you. If you want to make your relationship better with your kids tell them that you do and ask them what they need from you because you want to be closer and spend more time together. Make no mention of your ex, it has nothing to do with you ,just like any other close relationship they have with other family or friends. It’s not a contest. Stop keeping score .
Pretty sure for 99% something is missing in this story, there is no way, grown kids can abandon their mother for no reason. If only the father is brainwashing, but all of those three grown kids?or you did something your kids can’t forgive since they are distancing from their own mama.
Stop doing things and stop asking them I guarantee they will all start coming round when it’s not offered. As the saying goes you don’t miss something till it’s gone. Things will be ok in the end
Infidelity? If they were aware one party was having an affair they will pick a side.
I agree there has to be more to the story for them to completely not want to bother with you.
Does she have a partner who maybe the kids don’t like 
If it was 1 child then I would say there’s something between the parents, but all three kids? Either she’s (mom) not telling the whole truth or she’s leaving a major part out of this story. My opinion.
A lot on here are committing it’s probably her well let me tell you all have no damn ideal what your talking about. I have 4 kids and 1 of them never comes around unless he needs something. Our kids had the best life any kids could have… so stop with the comments that’s probably making her feel worse when you have no ideal what your even talking about. Mom just stop even trying to have contact with them it’s their lose. Some kids only like to use people and dad probably giving them everything to keep them around.
There’s always 3 sides to every story. My advice to you would be, just love your kids for where they’re at right now. Stop competing with your ex. Find a hobby. Start doing something you love for yourself and find like minded people you enjoy being around. Put your own mind at ease and everything else will fall how it’s supposed to.
I’m very sorry to hear, I know how terribly sad you are… Wish I had suggestions
There’s more to the story
It’s sad they treat you like they are, it’s hurtful
Love them from a distance. Take care of you. Find good friends. A group to be with.
You can’t compete with him so don’t try.
You won’t forget, nor will they. Stay busy
“Fight for their attention” 
There’s got to be more to the story and I think he’s telling it to your kids.
Leave them the He’ll Alone.If they want things that way so be it
I would stop begging and get on with your life. You raised independent children and they have their own lives. Take your time rediscovering you. Travel, after 19 years you should have some sweet vacation time, right? Make a life for yourself that other people, including your children, want to be a part of.
Talk to your ex. Mend that relationship first. If both of you are mature adults you should be able to be vulnerable with him and let him know how you feel. Maybe one of those special days they share with him you be a part of it. Whatever caused the divorce you got to get over whatever it is both of you. A relationship with your kids is worth it. You might be the one that can’t let whatever happened go. And if it is you let it go. We only have so much time left in the crazy world. The more love we can get in the journey of life it’s worth it
You didn’t say if you children are boys or girls
Dont fight for the attention of others no matter who it is. Know your own worth and go out, meet people, do new things, live your life for you now. You raised them and made sure they survived till adulthood now it’s your turn to do the things that you have always wanted to do. Tell them you love them and carry on with your life doing things to make you happier and feel fuller about life. Big hugs
Sad situation but if you love some one set them free and pray for them don’t beg.
They will come back
But remove everything negative in this and replace with positive things and actions.
Positive thoughts and actions draws positive results. And you will be a much happier person.
Stop trying to force their attention. Stop buying them things. And if he is renting the houses to pay off the mortgages & not asking for nothing, Leave it. but all 3. Maybe you should be in charge of at least one of them. They are in your name too. Let the kids come to you on their own. For whatever caused the distance. If the grown children aren’t willing to work it out and fix it. Don’t give yourself a heartattack worrying about. Hopefully in this case time heals all wounds
Sad…but my son favors his gma over me! She gives him money etc…I watch his kids monday to friday he drops.them off at 7 AM only time.I.really see him…his gma is in his pocket! She things its so cute all the idiotic crap he does and picks arguements with me over him! My youngest son she could give 2 cares for (she can’t control him hes 9) and the feeling is basically mutual.from him! Im done with it…eventually I will be needed as will.you be! Tue other party wont always be around or will do something to cause judgement and they will need someone…question is will anyone be there for them?
Have you flat out asked your adult children these questions? I’m never going to sit around and wait for someone to love me the way I love them. Get involved by talking to them. Ask them if there are things that need to be worked on/out between you all. Tell them you legit feel how you feel. If you’re able to ask a bunch of strangers these questions, ask your babies Mama. Be honest with them. 
Love n light to you.
Ask each child. Don’t take no or ask for a group meeting. Don’t beg, ask why the cold shoulder. Tell them you want the truth. Tell them you’d rather have the truth than silence. Blessings
Maybe the ex told the kids lies about their mom…You would think since she didn’t fight for money or anything that she’s obviously not being crazy but it could be when the divorce was mentioned the dad told his kids lies to make them pick his side.Guys do those things to not just women.This seems to have something to do with the separation.I would have a serious talk with each of them and tell them how you feel and ask what’s wrong.The worst that can happen is they don’t talk to you but they already do that.DO NOT BEG FOR ATTENTION OR ANYTHING ELSE.STAND UP FOR YOUR SELF YOU DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT JUST LIKE THEY WOULD WANT FROM YOU.DONT TRY TO FORCE IT BECAUSE IT DOESNT WORK IT WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY…YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.THEY GROWN YOU DID YOUR JOB ALREADY ITS NOW UP TO THEM TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES AND IF THEY DONT WANT TO SEE YOU THEN THATS ON THEM BUT STOP BUYING THEM THINGS UNLESS ITS A HOLIDAY DOBT LET THEM USE YOU AND THEN NOT TALK TO YOU…THEY WONT RESPECT YOU…You will continue to be miserable if you keep doing what your doing.Have the talk and let it go.I hope things change for the better…Praying for you
I went through something similar to this with 2 of my kids as well…and I never got an answer. What I did was put the ball in their court and not rely on them to boost my self worth. I found my own life and stopped badgering them for attention. I stopped sticking my nose in and being jealous.
They have started to come around and now I don’t need their re-enforcment, so we better then we have ever been.
Move forward and find a life. Show them you are independent and moving on. Right now you are saying it but not doing it. When you do not know or care what they do with your X…you will feel so much more confident.
This is a conversation you need to have with your children
No matter how well you raise your kids, they can still be assholes. My mother gave my older siblings EVERYTHING they wanted even to this day. I on the other hand got so so stuff. But I moved out when I was 15, got pregnant at 16 and now have 3 kids, a career and married to my high school sweetheart. My siblings didn’t take care of themselves and now have serious medical conditions. My mom has done done it all for them and they treat her like shit. Your kids are grown. They have a mind of their own. Don’t beg them. Just go out and do you. Worry about you. I know it can be lonely and make you sad. But you are still sad trying to get them to be around. One day, they will open their eyes.
Ugh…… I find it hard to give advice because you never mentioned why you got a divorce. Usually why I don’t comment on most of these post because if you can’t give us the ENTIRE story then any advice someone gives you is pointless.
To me it sounds like you may have left their father for a reason they did not approve of. I’m not saying you had to stay married, I’m speaking from experience in my own extended family. Even if the kids were grown they will almost always side with the one who was “left”. Though you said you had a stable job and used no drugs I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was an affair. Again I’m not judging I’m saying that no matter the age children are still affected by our decisions, especially when it includes destroying their family unit.
I’m not saying this is the OP specifically, but this is a common issue in the whole “I’m not your friend” mentality, where discipline was just riddled with power struggles and intimidation growing up, and unquestioning obedience from the child was valued over building a relationship. If this was how the OP was with their child then a lot of remorse needs to be shown in order to drown out the resentment they are feeling. Either way I recommend therapy where an unbiased third party can help to bring to light the underlying issues for why they feel the way they do.
I was married for almost 40 years, my husband left me for not someone but anyone. I had to leave my home. No maintenance was paid . My daughter on realising mummy would be poor turned her back on me, taking my grandson away from me. I was and for that matter was devastated . I will never get over it. I’m almost 70 and have not seen my grandson or his younger brother since. I live a singular life, doing menial work in order to survive. Now for a lot of years I was pretty much suicidal, I had therapy, and prozac . Nothing helped. However more recently I have learned to give up the past and with that I have almost stopped grieving my loss. I give this advice to you, stop buying their love, this commodity is not for sale, a mothers love is always there but is not for ransome. Be aloof. Yes stand back from them and ask yourself why are my children so mercenary, why is money above me? Stop being their doormat, dont invite them, wait for them to come to you, treat yourself…not them. Stand alone, be brave, be strong.
Stop buying them things and trying to win their affections. You owe them NOTHING! They need to grow up and and become adults. It is not your responsibility to bend over backwards. They’ve grown to expect all this from you. Take a step back and let them come to you for a change. Busy yourself with things, friends taking courses and learning new things if that’s what it takes to break this cycle. You deserve a life!
I just wrote this morning
… there are only just so many sunrises and sunsets and however ever many that is it is never enough…
Don’t let your last sunrise or sunset be regret for a life lost in begging for approval. You are whole, you are deserving, you are important!
Move ahead, if they come to you it was meant to be if they don’t they aren’t worth it.
LIVE!!
It may be the way you’re going about things. There is a book I read called “Boundaries, when to say yes and how to say no.” I found it to be extremely helpful to my own growth and my ability deal with relationships in a healthy manner. I used to be the type of person to say “how high?” when someone said “jump.” The book I mentioned above changed my life for the better and may be helpful to you. Its worth a shot! Best of luck to you!
How was your relationship before the divorce? I feel like there is more to this…
I am so sorry for you hun, you never said are you kids girls or boys hun, I have to grown daughters myself, and were so close, see them all the time holidays ect, anyways don’t be begging for them, take time out and go out with friends or siblings go away for a few days, spend time on yourself hun, I love my kids to bits, but do a lot of things for myself, as u will get no tanks in the long run hun, take time out for yourself, and look after you, you will see them changing then, and spend your money on yourself, you done enough for them, kindness can bring trouble on you, look after you first, and every thing will follow, best of luck 
The more you try and force it the more they will cut you off. Stop begging and get into some counseling work on getting yourself better and happy if they wish to be apart of your life great if not you can’t dwell on it.
No offense but when a parent of adult children says their kids don’t want anything to do with them and they don’t know why, they usually know exactly why and just don’t want to admit they are human and need to change.
A lot of us with estranged parents may be hesitant to give you advice on how to push your way back into your children’s lives. If your ex is an abuser and has been engaging in a smear campaign against you, I feel that would have been mentioned in the post, and I would have recommended therapy for that. My recommendation is still gonna be therapy at this point.
My only advice is stop begging. They’re adults. I know it’s hard but you’re devaluing yourself
There’s usually a reason why kids cut off their parents i am in their shoes now. My mother chose drugs and men over us and our relationship has never been the same my dad is a recovering alcoholic and he begs everyday for me to talk to him but I just can’t bring myself to do it because after years of lies you give up. Maybe that’s not the case here but something definitely upset them. Just stop trying and when they are ready they will talk to you. But like a few others said there’s a reason they didn’t just stop talking to you for no reason.
way to mch info left out to even know what you did wrong ….maybe i suggest some family therapy to fix things that may have been broken and jus remember everyone perspective on things are different (the way your kids see things)
Im so sorry this is going on! I wish i could tell you what is wrong but i cant. I would love for my mom to be like this! We havent hardly spoke in 4 years. She just recently started to get her life together. She has been an addict my whole life and she doesnt even know my kids. My son is 3 and just knows what she has told him because well i didnt want him to get hurt by her like i have so many times. I hope you continue to try for your kids. Thats all i ever wanted and thats what my mom is finally doing. Trying. Much love
There’s nothing wrong with my adult kids, or with me. We just seem to run in diverse circles. One of the problems is they all have kids, and they all work, and I’m retired. So we get together once in awhile on some holidays, or on a birthday, but other than that, I don’t hear from them, or see them. It’s sad, but I try to understand.
Did you leave marriage for another relationship? Did you break up your home? If so the kids are still mad, hurt…
I’d respect their decision and let them come to you. Being someone’s child doesn’t obligate us to want to spend time with them.
Maybe There’s something They don’t like that you do, maybe they themselves are exhausted with the constant badgering.
They are adults, not children, and they are free to choose the people that they put their emotional energy into.
In my case, my ex husband brainwashed my boys. They were distant for awhile and have come around some with time. I divorced their dad and he made me out to be the bad guy. I hope things get better for you! ((Hugs))
All I can say is to just relax. Let go so to say. You don’t have to shove them out of your life, but maybe a few days of no call or text or anything will make them think. Don’t buy them anything else. If they’re after you for money and you give it each time, that’s all they’ll expect. Instead of focusing your energy on them, focus on yourself. Buy a puppy. Go to the beach or creek. Go out to eat. Go out with friends.
They hang with him because he has more money. I’ve seen it in dozens of splits.
Talk to them about it.
Live your life for you not them. If they choose to not be in it then so be it. More than likely they’ll see they still need you when you stop doing for them.
it is time to take a hard look at yourself. Why do you think you need to “buy” them? what behaviors have you exhibited to make you feel like you would need to buy stuff rather than them want to see you on your own merit. You may not want to confront or admit this even to yourself but nothing will change until you do. Number one reason kids remove a parent once an adult is the parent is a narcissist. Look that up and really read about it. It isnt just someone who thinks grand of themselves or looks at them selves in the mirror. Sometimes they look like a helicopter parent or overly protective parent. That is the words they use for themselves rather than admit the narcissism. Narcissist always make excuses for themselves, they take little to no responsibility for what they do, they gas light rather than take responsibility for their actions and they manipulate everyone around them (or try to). This can be thru guilt, faking health problems, buying gifts that have strings attached, coercion among other things. Take a good look to see if you have narc tendancies because that will make adult kids run and never return.
I am going to give some very honest advice from an adult child who spent 6 years not speaking to a parent
It does NOT happen for no reason.
If you want your children to build a better relationship with you, they will need to be able to be totally honest about why they stopped. It could be a misunderstanding, could be them getting pulled in to parent’s drama by dad or it could be something you have done that you do not see as bad. Perception is reality, that will be important to remember as they give their account and you shouldn’t argue it. Apologize and move on to build something better.
I would stop buying anything for them. Creates an unhealthy relationship of taking advantage.
Mainly my advice is to communicate without any ego or expectations. Let them tell you openly what happened in THEIR perspective and remember that it likely won’t be a shared one with your memory but that’s ok.
You can choose to be right or be happy and with grown kids and wanting a relationship, choose to be happy and let go of whatever got you all here.
Sounds like you need to start taking care of yourself also make sure you get what is yours . That’s a great model for your children.
How was your relationship with your children before the divorce? Why do you think your kids won’t talk to you? You may get the best answer by directly asking all three of your children. They may be brutally honest and from there you can start rebuilding. Regardless of what they share with you, their perspective is their reality and if you want to mend the relationship you will need to be prepared for “their reality”. Good luck Momma!
When there’s smoke there is fire… you clearly did something to piss them off and that’s your own personal business, but try to make it right or find out why they may be hurting
They are adults with their own choices. Forcing them and creating issues for attention will push them away. Just because you birthed them doesn’t mean they need to be involved with you
If your children are grown then you need to be asking them these questions.
Adults… live your life… My oorlede ma se woorde, jy moet hulle groot maak, nerens se dit dat jy hulle moet oud maak ni,dont feel guilty, Hulle try jou…
Have you had a convo with them about it and how you feel?
We need more details to the situation
Did you cheat? Do you have a significant other? Were you physically or verbally abusive to your spouse or children? I have no idea why kids act the way they do unless there is something else going on, especially since you have reached out in multiple ways. Maybe time will bring them back.
Go on a cruise. Pursue your own interests. Stop buying them things.Give them a chance to miss you. Best!!! of luck!