My oldest daughter turns four on Thursday, and in 2 weeks, my youngest turns 3. My four-year-old is OUT OF CONTROL. At daycare, all in one day, she bit 3 teachers and headbutted the director. Another time she pulled her sister through the classroom by her hair. And this last time, she drew blood on another kid. She’s getting ready to be kicked out! When she’s home with me, it’s the same. She hits, kicks, throw HORRIBLE tantrums, bites, scratches, and SPITS AT PEOPLE. I’ve literally done everything I can think of, but NOTHING IS WORKING.
Maybe my answer will be a little different then the rest of these comments, maybe not.
As a teacher, someone specialized in early child development and a mother the answer is love and boundaries.
This isn’t easy, its probably a sensitive subject for you, your poor four year old who probably feels terrible, and the rest of your family. Here’s what I would do if I was working with her.
Let her know (during a calm moment) that things have been rough lately, and you’ve asked for help and learned how to make them better! Show her how confident you are and give her confidence to believe she is capable. Repeat to her many times that she is a great kid, she just needed extra love and nobody around her was understanding. Let her know you know understand! Make it clear you know that she truly is a sweet and nice child because (insert good things you’ve seen her do)! Let her know although you will need to set boundaries, that won’t be fun, you will make sure every step of the way she feels heard and loved
(I realize as I’m typing this you may think I’m saying you don’t do this. I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying your child needs to hear you say this so she can begin to mend her relationships. Typically behaviours like these are just a child calling for attention, taking advantage of boundaries that weren’t reinforced or responding to adult behaviors, such as teachers automatically treating her poorly before she has even messed up on that day)
Once that’s done you will sit with her (only her, no siblings, no phone, no no one else, she needs your undivided attention) and write some rules together. You will take turns. She will write one. You will write one. You’re main goals with your rules are 1. We help keep eachother safe 2. If we’re feeling angry, we must either find a safe corner or ask for a strong hug 3. Every day at (insert chose time) , it’s child and caregiver time ! That means for 10 minutes a day , you are going to do whatever she wants to do without any distractions or any one else. (This should never be taken away as punishment, this should not be related to electronics, it needs to be an active bonding time. Play with her, go on a walk with her, commit yourself to ten full minutes and set a timer). Have her sign these rules. Have her decorate these rules. Hang them in your home.
That being said, boundaries are so important. Boundaries are to be maintained at all times. Even when we’re tired, even when we’re exhausted, even if we are dying, keep the boundaries. You slip on those boundaries once with a strong willed child, they will understand they are more in charge than you are.
Every time she even begins to become aggressive or escalated, remind her of the boundaries. Call her close. Ask her if she’d like a hug. Ask her if she needs a pillow, a bug stuffy, a punching bag, to get the angry out. Ask her if she wants a teether, to chew ice, a wet cold cloth, to bite down on. Give her resources. Make her a special corner of your house where she can run to locate these items. Remind her. Guide her. Remind her again. It’ll be really hard the first two weeks. Then it WILL get BETTER.
Compliment every. Single. Time. She does the right thing. Then make a post it note, make a card, write it on a white board, take a picture, make it count! And at the end of the day you show her the list. You make sure she knows that the good things she does, you see them! You see her! Read them to her, show them to her! Let her know you know she is good and that even if sometimes it gets hard, you are there to make sure she gets through the hard things because you love her!
As for childcare, it seems to me you have yourself some teachers who aren’t qualified to manage behavior, it’s a pity. Either you let them know this is what you’re doing at home and have them try it (adapt to school setting) or you find a child care with professionals who care enough to try!
- Get her assessed at a psychiatric clinic, then proceed with the recommendations provided to you. (if you’re wondering how to do this, you can just visit a nearby KK, discuss about the difficulties and the Dr would provide you with a referall to the hospital with a psychiatric clinic if necessary).
- In terms of parenting advices, I would suggest ABA therapy techniques. Meaning clear rules, followed by reinforcements and punishments. The main goal is teach consequences to their actions and also to promote more good behavior. To do this having consistency in the parenting is truly important! If u decide to punish her with a time out if she uses physical aggression, make sure she is punished every single time. But keep in mind that managing behavior is not all about punishing, as reinforcement techniques are actually seen to be more effective. So be attentive to whenever she does a desirable behavior, and reward them. The actual tips of reinforments and punishments can be found online.
- Managing stress as parents is also as important as being a good parent. Ensure you take time for yourself whenever u can. Also to make sure u still perform your self-care routines. Because managing a disruptive behavior can be very stressful, and will remain stressful for years.
I am an intervention specialist working toward becoming a therapist for behavioral and traumatized children… I really recommend looking for a resource in the area for behavioral support/therapeutic support. The earlier you get support the better the result is. I hear about children displaying behaviors at 3 and 6 and parents write it off because there small and can manage but when they get bigger it gets worse
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get control of my daughters tantrums?
Speak with your pediatrician. Have them rule out everything they can. Positive thoughts for you mama!
Get some professional help. Sounds like she may be struggling with some big issues. Bless her little heart.
She needs to be spanked a really good one , and no not abused but spanked and explain to her why she got spanked and she shouldn’t be acting like that.
get her a counselor mayby they will evaluate and help
She needs to be screened for behavioral issues, the school district can help as well as pediatricians
Is this completely normal behavior for the child? Maybe talk to your pediatrician about the behavior.
Maybe a Stern punishment like taking away something they enjoy most or a bad girl/boy chair in the corner or maybe a good old fashioned spanking once. Good luck mama
Maybe something has happened at daycare and she doesn’t know how to talk about it. Try some 1 on 1 with her and listen to her talk (but doesn’t say).
“Control” really shouldn’t be the goal here. Find the why and the root of what’s motivating her and help her fix it. Give her some age appropriate coping strategies.
Maybe PCIT therapy maybe she is on the spectrum. I would speak to her primary and maybe have her referred for an evaluation.
I have heard of milk allergies causing the brain covering to swell…talk to your pediatrician asap…
Research Nutrition Response Testing.
Maybe change the diet
Maybe she or he is low on nutrients
You need to demanded her to be screened for behavioral issues, she may not fully be intending to harm others.
I’m sure it is so stressful mama, I hope you both get some help & relief
There’s a really good book called The Five Love Languages of Children. In short, humans express love in 5 ways: physical touch, words of affirmation, gift-giving, quality time and acts of service. When a child doesn’t receive love in the language they understand, they feel unloved and act out because of it.
Get her evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. If she has any sort of developmental delay, it could be causing her to lash out in frustration
Do NOT spare the rod and spoil the child… YOU must use spankings and standing in the corner and time OUTS …Stop ALL sugary foods and candy !
I feel this my son’s the same way he’s 5 he is in behavioral therapy and being evaluated
My nephew isn’t as old or this extreme but he is working with behavioral specialists. He has trouble expressing his emotions and needs and acts out when no one understands him. This has been really helping him. Good luck!
She needs to be evaluated. My son was like that and he was diagnosed with ADHD.
Aggressive behavior isn’t inherently normal, my son started with aggressive behavior at a young age and that was one of the major red flags that he had other issues. He is now almost 6 and diagnosed with autism, ADHD and ODD. I definitely would speak to her pediatrician and talk about possible evaluation or maybe even just therapy.
I agree with seeking help and support. Not only for her but you as well. I had a child with behavioral issues and you need support as well as your child. Sending hugs❤
Talk to the childs doctor. This is a behavioral issue.
No advice, just prayers
Good old fashioned butt whooping.
She needs to be put in the place of a child. My daughter started that and I had to tighten up our daily routine, stop so many sweets & rewards. Started punishing her with time outs in her room until she’s done crying & we will talk about it when she’s calm. She’s 3 so I had to nip that in the bud before it got too out of control, but I feel your pain…
I think it would be best to get to the root of the issue. Young children have a hard time controlling their emotions simply because they don’t understand them. You can look into behavioral therapy. They can really help get down to the issue. I do beg you to try this avenue first before taking medication from a doctor (this might be something they will try and push). If necessary the behavioral therapists will make the recommendation.
My kid did that and now he’s in the psych hospital for the millionth time, hopped up on Haldol because he’s a destructive tornado. He’s autistic and because I work and a single parent (I know, shame!), there’s practically no help. If I decide to quit my job, no one pays my bills.
If you dicipline her like spank her and put her in time out when she does these things and it’s she’s still doing them then she’s definitely acting out for a reason. But if you don’t spank her or give her any dicipline then that’s exactly why.
Behavioural therapy !!
You need to get him evaluated by a mental health professional. My son got diagnosed on the autism spectrum, once I got therapy for him, things dramatically improved. He is now 21, and working
An evaluation is needed to find the true nature of the behavior.
Even though you may not see anything wrong with her environment, she seems to be having a lot of feelings she can’t process. Every child is different with this. I would look into therapy and maybe a psychiatric eval for med management if it’s necessary. Don’t take it as you are failing at being a parent as most do. (I feel this a lot with my son) they just need to learn different coping skills and she may eventually grow out of it.
Sounds like she needs to evaluated my son did this he was on the Autism Spectrum not saying your daughter is and has ADHD but when a child is on the spectrum they can not express there feelings the way they should and there only way is to act out also lose the red dyes and a lot of processed foods but most of all talk to your pediatrician this is not normal behavior and advocate for her to be seen
Put your foot to her ass:joy: she be fixed real quick!
A good butt and belt it works
I would reach out to her pediatrician, maybe get her into behavioral therapy. They can give you some tips on how to deal with her specifically after spending time with her.
Get her to a dr and behavior therapy immediately
Bring her to me il have her for a few months Lmao
Definitely start counseling. I’m so sorry to hear your going through this
Dr. And medication time!! Sounds like she’s running and ruining your life. She’s out of control!! If you don’t get help now, you may have a huge crisis on your hands that can’t be fixed. Is it worth jeopardizing yourself and your family because this child is totally out of control???!! You have some very difficult hard decisions to make —make them the help of family and friends. Cover yourself!!
Wow! All of u saying to get her to a doctor…like really a kid acting out is not a cause to dope them up on medicine. Yes for some it may be needed but not every damn kid in this world needs medicine. And not every kid in this world is on the autism spectrum…most doctors say this shit just to sell u drugs. Maybe her daughter is just a kid and trying to show that something is bothering her.
FOLLOW THROUGH with EVERY rule. Have 15/30 min. chat time with her. Just you and her. Maybe while drawling. We often think because kids are little they don’t have worries or concerns.
We couldn’t spank my daughter when she acted out because she just got worse.
I mean think about it, if someone hits you, you’re defensive, right?
Get her involved with activities. Like gymnastics, dance, art, etc.
Explain to her how she’s hurting people when she “pinches” or “bites”
Also she may need to be evaluated for other behaviors like adhd, etc.
Family therapy or life coach can benefit everyone In the family also.
They can create a plan for you
You got this! Stay strong!
I now have a 16 year old child who knows what they want in life and are career oriented.
My son has odd, adhd, and spd. He is almost like that. He sees two behavioal therapists. Prayers
Get help with easter seal or something like that in your area to work with her
Id speak to your pediatrician about some type of therapy.
Have you sought therapy? It sounds like she needs to be evaluated for service. These behaviors may be beyond her control.
Do yourself, your daughter and those around her justice and seek a professionals diagnosis.
You need to get this child therapy with a child psychiatrist
Have her checked by doctor she may need to be on meds, OCC etc
First I’d say behavioral testing and then I’d recommend the book
How to talks so little kids will listen. My 4 year old will dig his heels in even harder if you get onto him but if you reward his positive behavior while he’s being good before he does something “bad”, he’s much more likely to continue to be good. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I know it’s so hard
Kids act out for a reason. We must remember they don’t have the ability to communicate their feelings like we do so it’s our job to find out what is behind the behavior
My Son has a mood disorder. His toddler-10 years old ages were a freaking beast. I tried discipline, physical and taking things away to time outs… what worked best?.. when your child is in the throes of anger…grab him/her up…not aggressively but in a manner of haste…and hug. Tight. The child is so much in their own head, that they gotta get back to the physical. So, hug. Hold hands down. Rock soothingly. And say in the child’s ear the whole time. “It’s ok, I know you’re upset about_____. It’s not ok to hit or hurt others, so I’m gonna hold you and love you until you’re ok again.” Really, you can be saying anything. So long as it’s validating, and coming from a place of love. Mindfulness is everything in this crucial moment, so make sure you’re calm, no raised voices. And just repeat and rock until that emotional surge has reached it’s limit…it honestly only takes 6 minutes for the emotional wave to peak then drop, if done properly. Best of luck! Cuz it’s still a challenge for my Son at age 24. I cannot express this enough: therapy is everything!
Do not use behaviourism on your child. The best behaviourism can do is force your child to internalise all that pain.
The behaviour is a symptom of a deeper issue. Find the true source of the problem which ends with the behaviours you’re seeing. Let compassion guide you, not harsh discipline.
“Kids do well IF they can.”
Call the Priest. Exorcism time
I’m sorry this is so tough right now, mama, it sounds like time to get an assessment with a licensed child psychologist. It may be that she needs some help, or it may be that she has had an experience that has caused her some trauma. Either way, mental health is just like physical health: If you’ve tried at-home treatment and it’s not working, you see the doc.
Give her chores when she acts out. Let her sisters hit her back so she understands.maybenlet them nip her back also. We’re old school so…
I find it odd so many people instantly go for the “beat it out of them” approach.
research. discipline. absolutely. but physical discipline? nah
next time you run into an angry adult in the store. a rude customer…whatever the case. reach out & smack the hell out of them & see where that gets you.
I agree with those who said take her to a doctor to be evaluated & go from there.
sending lots of love your way, mama.
Have you had her assessed on the spectrum? She literally can be out of control because she can’t express her shit properly.
I wish you the best good luck
Look up super nanny. She has all the best tips. The number one being ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH with what you say. Especially when it comes to punishment.
Child psychologist. I hope things start looking up.
My son and daughter are a a year apart also and are both ASD and ADHD. They throw epic tantrums like that as well. I would get an evaluation done. In the meantime when you’re home, I would try to do a bear hug with her. Sit down on the floor and hold her hands down and hug her tight. I rock mine while sitting on the floor and say “1 2 3 breathe” and squeeze them and release pressure. Once they’re calmed down enough I say I’m sorry you’re upset, I love you, and if they can I try to talk to them about why they are upset and then redirect afterwards. If the bear hugs don’t work I set up a crash pad area in the playroom and set them there, they can flail around and hit the pillows and let off some frustration, afterwards when they are calmer I hug them and tell them I love them and I’m sorry they are so frustrated. I tell them it’s not okay to hit, bite, scratch, kick, etc when we’re upset. Let’s do some calming breaths while we calm down. It’s hard to stay calm and execute this but the more you do it the more confident you’ll get with it and it’ll get easier. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now!
Treat her for worms 🪱
Time to see a dr! Duh
Girl if you don’t WHOOP THAT AZZ.
Definitely speak with her Dr. There could be some underlying issues.
Bring to get professional help/attention. Maybe a exorcism will help ASAP
go to your doctor and ask about parent child interactive therapy. it will help her and you
Gentle parenting. Just talk to her and give her a cupcake. That’s all parents seem to do anymore these days.
Talk to the pediatrician about behavioral health. My son has ADHA and autism. He was really bad about tantrums like that. It’s still a battle at times but it has made a difference
I’m going to open up a child ass whooping agency for the parents scared to whoop their bad ass kids.
A belt across her but half dozen times will work wonders .
Please for the love of god if you take any advice at all, do not take the “treat your kid for worms” advice if you feel like they potentially have worms go to the doctor. But your kid just sounds like a tiny satan going through a pretty rough stage. She may just need some gentle sit downs and if that don’t help then I’d ask a doctor. I like the whoop ass comment but your kid seems like she may whoop your ass back. Lol. Good luck though
My eldest was about 3 when he threw a big tantrum in Walmart over a candy. He was on the floor, kicking, screaming tossing and turning. So I got on the floor with him and threw my own tantrum. He stopped, got up and said he wanted to go home. So I started screaming my head off ,“No! I don’t want to go home. I want to shop!” And he was panicking and looked so embarrassed as I did it for about another 15 seconds. I stopped, got up and told him," See how dumb mommy looked? That’s how ridiculous you look EVERY TIME you throw a fit over the silliest things. When I say no, I mean it! So you better behave and earn your candy." Has NEVER thrown a fit since and he’s 11. Sometimes you have to get on their level. My middle child use to like to bite people. One day I bit her back and she didn’t like it. So I told her every time she bites someone they will do it back. She never bit anyone after the 2nd time of getting bit back. She’s now 9. I’m not saying to beat your child but a good pop will help. Time out, toys taken away, no TV, snacks, juices etc. Find what she likes and take it away. She’s 4. Not exactly old enough to know exactly how to let her feelings out but if you keep slapping her wrist then it can get worse. Good luck. Hang in there
When my 8 year old grandson starts getting very upset I have him lay across my lap and give him a massage then we talk
If you allow the behaviour to continue, it only gets worse. Nip it in the butt. Hand, belt, wooden spoon… Pick your poison.
Did you keep the receipts? In store exchange?
You know how when you are angry and all you want to do is scream or hit or throw something? Yeah… imagine that without having the knowledge of WHY you feel that way. But yeah, slapping her around a bit like so many here are suggesting will totally help her learn to express herself appropriately. Sorry for what you’re going through. I’d definitely talk to a counselor.
Sounds like adhd or possibly autism, you should definitely get an evaluation done before assuming you’re doing something wrong
Why automatically when a young child has behavioral issues people jump to ADHD or autism . Are children not allowed to demonstrate their frustrations? They need to be talked to on their level. Given some guidance not medication
Oppositional defiance disorder … Talk to her pediatrician.
Is she verbal? Maybe frustrated, might need routine or more structure. It’s hard to tell or give advice from minimal information. Talk to your pediatrician first.
When was the last time you had mommy and daughter time? Just you and her? It’s amazing what a little one on one time and a quiet relaxing space can so for behavior
Also make her go apologize for her actions and show her that she will not be allowed to go there if she continues to use hitting over words
Your child needs therapy.
Check her diet. Foods with dyes in them set my daughter in the same direction.
Spank her butt seriously! Take everything away from her too no tv no toys no electronics NOT EVEN IN HER ROOM etc until she stops with her tantrums n violent behavior. I’m surprised she hasn’t been kicked outta her daycare at this point especially after drawing blood from another student. Put her butt in time out too n if she gets outta time out take her back to it but don’t say nun to her n keep putting her butt back in time out until she does 4 minutes of time out n once she does it n is calm then explain what she is doing is not okay. A lot of ppl say not to spank your children but your child needs a good old spanking and you can spank as long as it doesn’t leave a mark past 24 hours so. And each time she spits put a little soap on your finger n rub it on her tongue n tell her if she spits she gets soap the same with biting.
Sounds like maybe play therapy and behavioral health would be beneficial for her.
Get evaluated my daughter was similar to this and she has adhd now treated along side therapy she isn’t harming self or others
My youngest is this way. I got him evaluated and he now gets ot and speech an hour a week for each for the next 3 months
Has there been any changes going on?I would talk to her have a mommy and me day and just have fun get her to relax then talk to her and see if anything is bothering her.It could be something as simple as she’s having bad dreams or she’s missing someone or jelousy.If it continues talk with her doctor and take her to behavioral health it does help alot.My kids all have been diagnosed with things but they also had alot of changes and craziness happen in thier lives so you gotta help her the best you can.Stay strong mama you got this
Take her to a child therapist ASAP! What you’re describing that is happening consistently is way beyond little people being overwhelmed by frustration, anger and emotions. A good therapist will be able to figure out if something has happened that is causing this or if she truly falls on a spectrum like Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Austin, or Asbergers…do not listen to these folks who have not and are not dealing with this. Seeing a qualified child therapist cannot hurt, and if nothing is wrong diagnostically, they will at least be able to give you coping mechanisms to help you deal with this. Good luck Mama, I feel your frustration.
Tell me when you figure it out because 4 has been ROUGH. We never had terrible 2s or a Threenager, but 4 has been a whole as$ mess.
I would ask to test her for some behavioral “issues”. sometimes what you’re doing just won’t work and you have to take an approach you didn’t even know existed. remember that for a long time kids depend on co-regulation if their emotions. big feeling about children’s issues and they don’t know how to deal with it. we have to teach them. my kids practice the breathing deeply thing. sometimes tough talk sometimes soft talk you have to be able to read your child and transition into what they need