How can I get my family to understand that we need help?

My dad has been sick of kidney failure for 3 years. We moved in with him 5 months ago to help him with transportation to and from dialysis and to take care of him. My 18 year old brother also lives here. So in total it’s me, my husband, my dad, my brother and my son. We had to clean a lot and redo stuff when we first moved in because my brother had let it get so bad in the house. My dad became an amputee so he can’t do anything to help really. My brother does not help keep the house clean at all. He will do dishes every now and then but they aren’t clean they are always dirty. He doesn’t pick up after himself. He doesn’t have a job doesn’t go to school. All he does is just sit at the house all day and do really nothing besides getting my dad food and drinks and taking his toilet bag out. My dad also does not keep his hygiene up. He hasn’t washed his hair in years and he gets a bath from the nurse twice a week. We tell him he can bath himself he just needs to ask for help but he never asks for help. We clean cook dinner take everyone to and from but we’re still get told we’re not taking care of no one and we’re just freeloaders. Like I’m at my wits end with living here. I’m tired of me and my husband having to pick up and clean after everyone. The house was infested with roaches so bad because the house was so dirty and 5 months later we are still trying to get rid of them. I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I’ve talked with them so much and yet it’s like they don’t listen. I’m also 5 months pregnant.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get my family to understand that we need help?

Many problems there but no way would my dad go years without washing his hair!

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Oh My goodness… you need to decide who’s more important… them or you and that baby !!! ?

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Unpopular option…. It’s your choice to leave. I would’ve never moved myself and son to a home infested with roaches. Even for my parents. And if they’re ungrateful, leave.

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Move out into your own place, take dad with you.

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Honestly it’s time for y’all to move out and as bad as it sounds put your dad in a facility and your brother on his own to grow up

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That’s a tough situation. It’s always hard when it’s family. But you, your husband and your kids are your priority. I don’t do bugs of any kind so I would have been out the door or not moved in until they were gone. But everyone is different. I hope you are able to find some helpful advice on here.

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Your brother is just 18 years old losing his father. He is probably suffering from depression. You need to get someone from outside, or nurse to help you out. Is too much for you too

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Roaches would have been a deal breaker for me

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Sounds like your dad needs to go to a inpatient facility so he can be properly cared for without it being to much for you and your husband. 2) leave your lazy a$$ brother the house. 3) get you, husband, and for the love of all sanity your babies out of that mess. Ain’t no way in this world would I bring a newborn baby into a roach infested house. Do it before it’s to late! Also I’m sure if your dad would lay there he would let you take a bucket of water and soap to his hair. #JS.

That’s a tough situation because it’s your family, and you want nothing but to be there to help them out… but you gotta put yourself and your babies first. Thats not a safe or healthy environment for anyone to be living in… as bad as it sounds… seems like you may want to look into a facilty or around the clock in home care for your dad. Your brother has got some growing up to do and can’t support your dad if he can’t support himself…but you have a family of your own now that you’re responsible for…

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Put your dad into respite care ( govermrnt run ?) so he can get the professional care he needs and give you snd your family a chance to regroup and decide if you can continue
Look into full time care or a carer coming into your home to help with food prep , hygiene appoinments etc etc which you wont hd able to do when you are heavily pregnant and then have baby

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Sounds like your dad doesn’t want care… have y’all thought of putting him into a faculty that will help him

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Move to your own place. Get dad into an assisted living place that will make sure he’s showered including his hair and take him to and from dialysis and any other things he needs. Sell the house to pay for dad’s assisted living place. Little bro will have to find a job and get his own place. Pay for his security deposit for an apartment from the house money. Otherwise he’s on his own.

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Your brother is still young and going through this all too, he is doing what alot of kids do his age, it’s a tough situation. I’m sorry about your dad, I know it’s hard but you can’t make him do thing’s. I would suggest moving out and helping him whenever you can instead of living in the house.

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Find a place And either put your dad with you or put them in a home sell his house and let the brother figure it out he’s a grown ass man. Talk to the nurse that comes and bathes him tell her you need a social worker to come out there to your home

Have you considered trying to find a place for your dad at an assisted living? Being on dialysis he should qualify for support and can probably get placed, you need to get a social worker, maybe ask through the company his nurse come from. Then leave. This is not healthy for you and your marriage and your kids. Your brother is 18 time to grow up, he’s not your problem, he can get a job and be a slob on his own.

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It’s time for you to move on. Call social services and let them know you are in over your head and your brother who is 18 is too immature to be the caregiver. He is your dad but your immediate family’s well being must come first.

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Your brother is an adult, a young adult, but an adult. I have 19 year old twins, both who live at home, and they contribute to the household, do household chores, work, pay their own bills etc.

And where are these family members that say you’re a freeloader? If they’re not coming around to help, they should close their mouths and mind their business. I would suggest looking into putting your dad into assisted living. They are equipped for situations like this and specially trained for proper care. He will receive the round the clock care that he needs, your brother can grow up, and you can spend time being his daughter rather than his care giver while trying to care for yourself and your family.

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I know you love your dad but leave. If not for yourself… your children. They will have to figure it out.

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Move out!! It sounds like your Dad refuses to do anything at all for himself and your brother is useless.

Leave. Let them fend for themselves.

You need to move out. I couldn’t have knowingly moved into a place infested with roaches.

Your dad needs to go an assisted living facility.

Your brother probably needs some therapy and medication, and an opportunity to do things on his own. Without the responsibility of caring for the basic needs of another adult.

If the house is your father’s sell it, and use the money towards his upkeep.

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I say try and find your own place in that area so you can still help with transportation. If a traveling nurse goes in to shower your father and the place is a wreck then they will report to aps and possibly move your dad to a nursing home if he cant take care of himself. The house will sell, and pay for your fathers care. As far as your brother, he can get off his ass and find a job to support himself. You are pregnant and need to start thinking long term wise as who is more important to you, your husband and children should be first, then your father. Its great you want to help your father out but to what end and with no help from your brother and dad its time to call it quits.

You need to move your health and your child’s

Time to find your own place .your son and unborn baby they need a clean healthy environment …with your father’s declining health I’m pretty sure he qualifies for free transportation to and from all medical care appointments your brothers there to " help" once you are gone they will realize ( too late ) how much you guys actually have done / do for them

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Move and put dad on assisted living maybe or nurse full time

Melanie Burgess he’s 18 and sounds like he’s doing a lot for his Dad empty his bag and everything he’s doing a lot more than many would at his age what is this lady doing for her Dad is my question sounds like to me she is expecting to much that poor boy is still so young :broken_heart:

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Kidney fair is rough… my dear husband is going through it now and does dialysis 4 times a week. But that man still contributes to our household with working and taking care of our kids. Hate to say this but your dad needs to make changes too, as a care taker I know you are probably drained. Take care of yourself too!!

I would get public health involved. Maybe move Dad to a facility and get your own place.

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Move out let them figure out how to clean for there self

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Say good by. See you when the house is clean.

It sounds like you my want to think about exploring other options. You can talk to the nurse who cares for him and get some guidance. She will most likely be able to help you find a social worker to help you as well. That is not a healthy environment for you and your family, especially your dad who is already very ill. I would definitely look into facilities in your area if that’s something you’re open to. Make sure you do all research you can on the places before sending him there if that’s what you choose. They have different kinds of places so that is something a social worker could help you navigate. I have worked as a caregiver for the last 14 years in memory care and hospice and just retired this year. They do have support groups for caregivers as well if that’s something you’d be interested in looking into for the time being. I know you care about your dad And I applaud you for everything he’s been doing for him because I know it’s not easy. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope everything works out for all of you.

Sounds like your brother and dad were comfortable in their own mess. You should move back to your home and take them dishes they can microwave and send a pest control to get rid of roaches!

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Yep move out and get him in care for assisted living.

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What you are doing is one of the hardest jobs there is, caring for your ill father. Personally I’d be telling your brother he should get a job and help out with the bills. He’s 18 thats considered and adult, adults pay their way?? Just saying. And he probably won’t. Maybe y’all should just find your own place, stop stressing over what others are saying cuz honey if they ain’t helping they need tp keep their mouths shut. If they ain’t trying to help they making them problem worse by flapping their gums. Your father sounds like he might need assisted living or a nursing home. If DHR gets involved they will remove him from the house and place him in a facility for the care he needs, it’s not and easy thing to do but he will get 3 meals a day, snacks have activities, people his own age range to socialize with. I work for a nursing home and have seen people that have come from similar situations placed with us and they are stress free and love it, cuz they don’t have to worry where their next meal is coming from or how to pay for medicines it’s all taken care of. It’s a pain to get set up and a lot of hoops to jump thru but it’s really worth it in the end for your sanity and the health of your baby and family. Just my opinion, I wish you the best in trying to figure out what to do. No judgment and don’t listen to what the others are saying or will say, they ain’t in it to help just let what they say go in one ear and out the other like they have been doing. All the best sweetie

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Move out to own place and visit. Nobody is keeping you there

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Please please move out if not 4 yourselves for the health of your unborn child. There is help available for him-24/7 if needed n documented by dr.

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Sounds like dad needs to be in assisted living. You need to reach out to the social worker at the dialysis center. She’s your best resource. I worked in a dialysis clinic for years.

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How long was your 18 year old brother the primary caretaker of your dad? Maybe the kid is trying process the absolute trauma of all that responsibility heaped on him at a young age and sounds like he’s suffering from depression. Empathy is such a hard thing to come by.

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Move out. You don’t want a newborn in there with roaches.

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Assisted living for dad and the rest of you get your own places.

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In a loud voice say “WE NEED MORE HELP!”

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Get your own place close by and just go over when you need to take him places

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I’m so sorry you have to go through this!!

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I would move out since they’re not grateful.

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Leave and show them all you do you need to worry about your child and yourself do you really want to bring a newborn into that environment

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I know it’s hard, but your brother was a kid having to be the caretaker for his sick father and for himself. He and your dad are probably both suffering from depression as a result of your father’s illness. These situations are so hard. I would hire a weekly cleaner if at all possible and work with a social worker to figure out what resources are available to you all to help with physical and mental health as well as the house.

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Skilled nursing home

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You need your own house especially with baby coming. Your dad should probably be in assisted living. He will get better care. You guys are miserable right now. Imagine how nice if you could just visit him. And not worry about his bathing or meals. I’ve been in this position

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If it was Me I’m not moving in with him to Start with for one thing you are Married

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Sounds like you need to start looking for another place to live. Your brother and the nurses can help take care of him and a caseworker can help with rides. It isn’t gonna get any easier with a baby on the way.

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Move get your own place no way would I be living with cockroaches let alone letting my child live in a home with them for as long as you already have. I guess your dad will need to get into assisted living or something and you and your husband should have your own place where you pay your own bills and raise your kids. It sounds like you and your family are living there for your benefit also but it’s not fair for your child to be living with cockroaches for how long already.

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Get a place of your own. Big hugs

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You, your husband, and child need to get your own place. You can run errands and transport you dad for dialysis without living with him. As for your brother he is your dads problem especially with him allowing it.

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Sadly, family sometimes doesn’t appreciate help from other family members. Maybe you should try to move out but still live close enough to help with your dad’s transportation. Your brother should help with everything else, since he’s not doing anything.

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I’m so sorry for all that is going on with you and your family. Time to find your own place. If family is calling you freeloaders then let them take care of your dad.

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Move out, your pregnant, you don’t need that stress!

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You need to find an advocate for the elderly or an attorney specializing in elderly issue and get financial advice. The price of assisted living can ru from $6000 to $8000 or more each month. The young 18year old son/ sibling of yours coukd end up homeless. He is old enough to help.out but nit old enough to have the primary role as caretaker for his dad. He does need therapy to help him deal with the loss of his dad and help planning to support himself financially. Not many 18 tear old guys can support themselves pHing fir a car and rental expenses on their own. Yes you need help too and are probably feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.Ask to speak with Shine counselor or social workers to learn about your options. Check with your dad to see if he has a power of attorney designated to handle his financial issues and a health proxy to handle any medical emergency. Ask him what he wants to do. The fact he is living in unhealthy and unclean situation shows he is depressed and needs help from his doctor. You can’t do this all on your own. Be there for your Dad to love him and help him solve his problems. Losing your temper with family or dad does not help. Dad needs help.Financial advice coukd save your dad’s home. Help your younger brother adjust to losing his dad.you have other family members ers to help you and tgat you can vent to about your worries.if you as an adult are upset imagine how scared your younger brother is feeling. Best of luck. Take it one day at a time.

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You should move out asap

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Sadly, you can’t make them understand. Speaking from personal experience. As a caregiver, you do what you can & need to. You’ll probably be helped more reaching out to his doctor & the agency on aging of the state you live in.

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Agree with all the other comments that you need to put yourself first for your unborn baby. If you aren’t happy there and let’s face it I can’t blame you then leave. You don’t have to move far away, you can still help with transportation for dialysis etc, but this honestly sounds like a grim situation that no one Is happy with.
There are resources to help.
The only thing I can give advice on is the washing part. Your dad probably hates that he can’t just bath himself fully independently, it’s sometimes easier for them to have personal care done by an outsider like a nurse or carer than taking the help from family, it’s embarrassing for them as much as it shouldn’t be. That just may be why he’s not washing more than only with the nurses

I hope you find a solution that makes everyone happy, I really do but at the very least you need to put yourself first to begin with. Best of luck to you

Move out for your peace sake.

That’s on you for taking up that responsibility. Either nut up or get out

Move out and get a place close by so you can still help with errands and dialysis appointments. Your brother can help, especially since he’s now an adult. Also, get social services involved to help find resources to help your father. Your children need to come first.

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First thing you need to do is put your brother OUT.

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I would move out let the 18 year old deal with it if they both want to be slobs then so b it!

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It’s depression. They are being swallowed up in it. And so will y’all eventually without any real help. Even if you move, they’ll still be in the same condition.
And screw whatever anybody says, if they’re not helping. But, I’d keep a video diary of everything in the house and regarding personal care and hygiene for the both of them. Not to display it to anyone, but to keep a log on how bad things can get if you weren’t there to look after everyone.

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You taking on too much stress while your pregnant and you can’t bring that baby into that environment especially with a roach infestation… Move out… Arrangements can be made for your father’s care…

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I’m sorry but it’s time you think of YOUR family ( child & self ) move on Mamma, all the best :+1:

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Move out, you need to make your health and the baby your priority.

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Move out on your own. The state will help with your dad.

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I would find about what assistance is available for your father, and your brother can fend for himself and you take yourself and your lil family right on out of there. It is not fair to put all the burden on you and your husband. I understand he is your dad but you can’t kill yourself taking care of him. Your brother needs a boot up his ass for not helping sooner and for the lil he does now. But that’s just my opinion

I’m not fucking reading all of that. Break it up into sentences and paragraphs

As for me and my family, we’d move out and I’d tell my brother to have at it…don’t call me, I’ll call you. Then let them both tell you you’re not helping.

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Not only is you dad eligible for silica services, he’s in a special category for elders. Frankly, your brother’s failure to maintain the home and personal environment in a safe, sanitary, and stable manner constitutes elder abuse. Every state has special office of Elderly and Disabled Citizens’ Care, and each county should have a regional or county office.

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Unfortunately sounds like you need to walk away. Especially being treated like that… it’s not worth the strain on your own family :heart:

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Move out and call for a welfare/ wellness check. If your dad is unable to care for himself they’ll make sure he’s taken to the hospital and discharged someplace that can help him.

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Good put them in a nursing home and put your brother under the bridge-!and move

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Move out. That’s unsafe for your son and unborn baby.

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I would move. Also your Dad can get transportation to and from dialysis and his meals from Meals on Wheels. They just don’t do weekends. You can set that up through your Dad’s social worker. You didn’t mention what your husband does for work but I am assuming you must have two cars for him to work and you to take Dad on appts. Three years with kidney failure is good you are blessed he’s still with you.
You also didn’t mention how old your son is but it doesn’t seem like a good environment for him. Maybe the 18 yr old brother needs some mental health intervention.
If you’re paying your way and not living off of your Dad ( too many young ppl do this :frowning: ) I don’t see why you would be called freeloaders.
I would also schedule a bath or showering and get Dad’s head cut very short (not washing hair for years is gross) cut it or shave it.

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Either help him get into assisted living or just leave.

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If y’all are such “freeloaders”
…then move out. Sounds like it would be a better situation for y’all anyways.

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Move out and on with your life. If the brother is not helping you might have to place your father in a assisted living place or nursing home and let your brother do for his self. You’re pregnant and also have a toddler it’s time to move on

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You and your husband don’t have to put up with this.encoverage your dad to get more home care.and remove your brother to a army base.he will learn skills that he never knew he had.eg.clean hygiene.respect.appreciating others etc.sounds harsh.but it works.congradulation on your pregnancy.and I wish you all the best.

Whoop your brothers ass lol

Time to move out. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves. They will only drag you down. Sad.

Not good conditions to bring a baby into the world.

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Your brother is probably devastated over his father your dad’s condition, he has a very hard emotional job he is dealing with, he is more than likely in a state of depression. Maybe you can let him know your there to help and maybe now he could go out and get some part time work

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You need to think about your well being and the well bring of your family. You cant make them see that they need help or make anyone help you. If they don’t appreciate the help that you do give, move out to ensure the health and safety of your family and your pregnancy and they will figure it out. Don’t feel guilty for letting go of doing too much and being under appreciated for it.

First of all, not all 18 year olds are housekeepers yet. Kudos to him for taking care of Dad with meals and his bag. Now, you’ve moved in to help so that’s what you do! Five months pregnant is NOT a get out of responsibility card! Call an exterminator to get rid of bugs, then start with deep cleaning cupboards, EVERYTHING! Thank brother for doing what he’s doing and to please continue while you get the house in order. Once that is done, focus on dad. Tell him you’re helping him bathe, what day and what time. Help the nurse do that. That’s what she’s there for! Once you get a routine have a talk with brother about getting a job. Good luck!

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I would say your brother needs to help out or get out.
I know how it goes getting siblings to help with parents and dealing with it right now.

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Kick the brother out, he needs to get a job and help out, hire someone to deep clean the house to reset standards, get help with a nurse a few times a week to help with hygiene with Dad.

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So your dad has been sick for years. Was your brother taking care of him until you moved in? A 15 year old boy was in charge of his care all the time except when the CNA came 2 times a week? Im assuming he went to school and you’re surprised that the house is a mess?
Are you living there free and do either of you have a job? It doesn’t take 2 adults to care for him.
5 months later you still have roaches? You need an exterminator!
Sounds like your brother cared for him and now its your turn to help.
You let him go a year without washing his hair? The CNA let him go that long with doing anything too? Thats part of the washing process! He’s an amputee in kidney failure on dialysis. Do you realize how that wipes a person out? You need to call the agency providing the inhome care and make sure she’s doing the job she’s paid to do.
You’re telling us that its entirely them making the mess? You and your husband are struggling to care for him and the house. Imagine what your teen brother went through doing it alone for 3 years.
Sounds like he needs care as well as your dad. How about getting them the care needed instead of complaining.
If you’re living there without paying anything and the house is still a roach infested mess, you’re not up to the task. I dont believe that your brother is making all that mess himself.
Maybe that’s why you’re being accused of freeloading.
Get the care needed for them and get your own place.
You don’t need to live with them. Home health will get him to dialysis. Im assuming he’s on SSD and Medicaid. His caseworker will arrange his care. The roach infestation is worse for him. You don’t need your whole flipping family there.

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You cannot help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves or accept help.

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You can either suck it up. Or play mom tell your brother he has 30days to get a job of some sort make him a chore list if need be, you may even have to be mom to dad . Take him into bathroom turn on shower maybe get him a shower stool . Your only other option is putting your dad in a facility leaving his home letting your brother take care of himself .

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First get dad out of that situation. Then get your own place.let brother fend for himself.

Move out and then just go over at your convenience to help him.

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My feelings r get back on ur own. Brother needs to step up an help nursing out. Sound like ur brother needs too grow up an realize u have a family of ur own too. GOOD LUCK