I remember when I was going thru a divorce with my kids dad, my @the time 14 year old said ‘mama things aren’t gonna change much cuz it’s like you’ve been a single mom all these years anyways’
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I’d say start going out and make him notice your absence. Leave him with the kids a night or two a week and go enjoy yourself. He’ll notice quick and might start listening.
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That’s when you walk out for the day on his day off and do mom things alone 
My husband helped me with our babies. Even while he was going through college. Although he stepped back a lot once he kept getting promotions. Not because he’s lazy but because he truly is tired and stressed to the max. I’m in nursing school currently and let me tell you. We but heads during the week. But sitting back and looking at his perspective. He deals with some crazy things at work. I would be exhausted too. Maybe that’s your man’s thing? I did the SAHM for years. I would just dip on Saturday’s to get my nails done.
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Hold off on buying the house for now. Seek couples counselling until you’re able to communicate your needs and have them heard/ met. If there is no improvement then move on. You deserve someone who gives a shit.
Stay strong
i’d try a few things - one talk to a marriage councilor another is on the weekend like a Saturday tell him you and a couple of friends are going out for awhile and u should be back by 6 p.m. THIS WAY AT LEAST U GET TO RELAX a bit with friends have dinner out with your friends u do deserve a day off ! i would do this every 3rd. Saturday of the month ! try it out it just might work - if he get nasty with cause u have done this i would go to a marriage councilor
I really don’t understand how woman cope with men who don’t want to help 
… my partner does absolutely everything to help and support us and our house regardless of hours worked (I work also) but that’s not the point… we’re both adults, both parents and both capable of cleaning and keeping our house going and kids loved and happy 
… I honestly feel for mothers with partners like this 
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Honey, put those babies in daycare and get yourself a full time job. Tell him to enjoy the new house and go your own way. He’s not a partner. He’s just another child for you to take care of. You didn’t make that family on your own and you shouldn’t have to take care of it on your own. But if you are gonna do it on your own, you might as well be on your own!
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Stop asking. Just leave the baby with him, stop getting up in the night. Just stop doing all these things for him. Keep up with the kids’ needs and yours, only. Whenever the baby cries or needs something, just hand her to him and leave the room, or even leave the house. Dad’s don’t babysit, they parent.
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Well , one thing for sure he’s not going to change. Somehow men get the idea that their wives are their personal slaves.
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Been there… men think differently than us. They focus on the monetary side of things but don’t realize how taxing it is to be the nurse, clean up crew, meal planner, cook, caretaker (of the kids and them, we don’t have time for us to need caretaking) etc etc… the list goes on & on… it’s a lot. Find & keep some time for you, time that you dedicate to making you feel good; give yourself a pedicure, manicure, facial, read, meditate, something that grounds you. It’s important even if he doesn’t realize that. It’s not easy being the hub of the family but it is so worth the work. Hang in there mama, acknowledge & honor your hard work 
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From everything I just read I’m a little confused as to why you want to make things work? What exactly does he do that makes it worth staying?
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He only thinks of himself not you n kids I wouldn’t buy a house with him if you can’t talk nhe doesn’t want to listen n I think he’s the kind of man that doesn’t want to listen or care I’d definitely leave you shouldn’t have to live this way not only doesn’t help you but not good for kids either
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You need to let him know that it is bothering you, otherwise your resentment will only grow…been there myself and it ended in divorce
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Men do not have a clue that a woman/mothers job is never done. It’s the hardest and most unrewarding job that there ever was. It takes 2 to make a baby and for the love of God, it takes 2 to take care of them!
If he doesn’t want to help you when he comes home, stop doing shit for him. Let him do the cooking and making his lunch etc. Tell him that your focus is on your children and since he’s off work and a grown man, he can take care of his own needs.
Good luck!
I went through this I went out and got a part time job that works around his hours he will be forced to do more. It will also do you some good getting out of the house.
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God. I feel like this is a man thing or maybe I just don’t know how to pick them 
I’ve always had to do it all myself while he hasn’t done shit. For 15 years and 5 kids. Over it too Momma!
He will only change if you give him a push if you let him walk all over you and then lay with him you are as much to blame as he is
Make him parent and if he refuses then you know he is not goning to change. Leave and don’t look back you didn’t do this by yourself, but you have let it go on too long, hand him the kids, and leave for and hour or 2 then come back
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Honey if you find the answer please let me know. I have a 15 month old and I work 5 days a week, she goes to daycare, since I started this job a month agree, other than that she is attached at my hip. Literally!!! Plus I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby everything and he works 4 days 10 hours each day and comes home, car rides, anywhere and is on his dam phone. I ask him to do something to help out and he sighs and says here let me watch her… really mfer get off your butt and do something. Let alone I pay for all and I mean all baby items while he spends his on childish trading cards and bs. I but groceries and I would rather go through labor again and again before asking him for help anymore. I’m always angry and we haven’t had any sexual relationship since I was 4 months pregnant. So please let me know if you figure out how to deal with this situation cuz I’m still trying to deal with this too… just stay strong…
Communication. Talk to him about it - not yell or tell- talk to him. He is tired after work and you are tired after your day. Stop trying to get it all done every freaking day. I was a sahm for over 12 years, we have 5 kids. The younger 3 were all under 5 at the same time. I know what you are dealing with. If you love this man and want him there as the father of your children, you need to talk with him. Y’all need a compromise. Talk with him about how you feel and listen to how he feels. Come together to make it a little better with some give and take. Unfortunately this point of your life is going to be hard and you are just going to have to work through it. Or you can throw away the relationship and be a single mom. Both options are hard work.
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Make plans for when he gets home. Leave the house. Go … anywhere… Spa or library. Make sure he knows. This isn’t right. See how he likes making dinner and cleaning and getting the kids clean and in bed. Do you have a relative or friend’s you can visit ?? For a weekend ?? It really is time for counseling and a conversation.
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Yip I agree with what the others have said, if you are not ready for his actions stand down dear lady and while he is at work pack up and leave ….oh leave a note so that he doesn’t think you’ve been kidnapped… also explain why too. You have had enough of being his mum, you want your husband back the man you loved before kids, cos if he can’t accept his responsibility of being a parent to his children so be it you may as well manage on your own… don’t tell him where you are going cos he may want to follow you.
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I can totally relate… and from experience I can say that he most likely won’t change. The lack of affection is the worst because it breaks your heart and makes you question your self worth. I’d definitely not buy a house just yet and I’d try marriage counseling.
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Don’t ask him to take care of his children. If you need a break put the baby in his lap and walk away. If that doesn’t get the point across next time give him his kids and just leave for a few hours.
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Definitely don’t buy a house with this man
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I have 2 under 2, and it’s hard work! I can’t get everything I want done during the day but that’s okay. I’m not super woman, I tend to do things at night when the kids are asleep even then it’s not perfect lol. With your husband not helping it’s more common than you think your not alone girl. No matter how hard you try sometimes it’s in one ear out the other. Your children will know who the more present parent is when it comes down to it. Maybe look at daycare & after school care. You got this!
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You take the baby and he take the 5yo and go out for a day of fun together, like a picnic, a hike in the park, a walk in the neighborhood, etc. Get out and have some fun.
Gurl…take them kidz & get yo own place!!!
ASAP!!!
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He probably doesn’t realise how hard it is being a full time SAHM with multiple kids. He probably thinks you’re doing nothing all day because you’re at home.
Tell him, don’t ask him, that you’re going out for the day and leave the kids with him. Don’t come home until dinner time. Do what he does and open a drink and chill out when you get home. Let him experience what you experience so that he has an idea. If he has an idea he may be more understanding.
I’d definitely wait on buying a house for now. You don’t want to make any huge decisions while you are feeling this uncertain.
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Seems like he doesn’t really have any interest on you and the marriage, You should NOT buy a house together, you should be looking for a lawyer for a divorce
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Wat does he do for a living
I just came to read the comments. I divorced and became a single mom of 4 who was a stay at home mom who then became a work all the time mom with no time for my kids. I missed so much of their growing up because I had to work to support them.
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You need to hire some help so you can have a break. The ymca is really great for moms if you have one close by I highly recommend! You can work out and take classes while the kids go in the daycare and there are activities for the kids too. It doesn’t sound like a break but it really helps
My mother took care of house work. Us 4 kids. My dad worked hard to make a living. My mom stayed home. She did everything. I never once heard her complain about my dad not doing house work or whatever. I was raised the same way, when I was sahm I did everything I never asked my husband to do house work or feed babies. Whatever. When I started working he helped do his share. We both cleaned house, did yard work. Took care of our 2 boy’s. It takes two to make a marraige work. So mom quit complaining and do your job and let him do his. . On the weekends just tell him ok I am going shopping you keep the kids for a while and go.
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My partner was jsut like this and we divorced. He was like this even when I was working after having a baby.‘he still thought all childcare and household stufff was my job and flat out refused to take our daughter when she was a baby when he would get home from work. Never helped at all. I was already doing it all by myself so I left and was much happier and now I’m 13 years strong with a great man who is completely hands on with helping with our kids and the house no matter how much he works.
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The definition of insanity
Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.
Why did you have a second child with someone you knew wouldn’t help you?
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Being a single parent with the other parent around makes the job impossible. I suggest u have a final talk with him. Also found out what he thinks a man and a woman’s gender roles are? If he thinks his is just to provide have pay for extra help or for kids to both be in school and day care so u are not completely worn out.
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Kinda been going thru to same things, literally 
It is what it is I guess. Lol
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If you don’t make it clear to him that this is not what you want and how things should be running in the household, then you need to do it immediately. Marriage counseling could help. It will never get better if you continue to allow it. I am so very sorry . This is not right and not how things should be. I hope you guys can go to a counselor…and if he refuses, then YOU go alone. THye can help you with how to deal with it/him and how to set personal boundaries for yourself.
Being in charge of everything like this is not healthy, normal nor should it be accepted.
<3
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No man understands how mentally exhausting it is to be a stay at home mom and for you to have a man who doesn’t help at ALL on top of all that. I can only imagine your stress level. Honestly at this point the only thing he’s doing to help you is financially. So i say get a stay at home job or if you have family to help you with the kids then go out find a job and leave him. Don’t get a house with someone you don’t see a future with. I’ve been in your situation. I stayed until the sight of him was more unbearable than struggling on my own. Best decision I ever made. I was never happier.
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If you’ve tried communicating and he didn’t care, move on. You’ll end up hating him and leave eventually anyway.
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Here’s my thing. I’m not a sahm, I pay bills too, work full time, not an easy job, my husband also works, pays bills (he makes about three times the amount of money I make) everything seems to pretty “equal” in terms of paying bills (house, electricity, water) but I buy the groceries, I buy what my kids need, I buy things we need in the house. I also am solely responsible for ALL household chores (including trash duty) he works, comes home from work and sits down till he goes to sleep, his day ends soon as he leaves work, also he spends 80 percent of his time driving for work. Also gets plenty of naps during the day. Me, it’s non stop from wake till sleep. I’m not complaining, or trying to compare, but I’m about certain that he was raised to believe that a woman is supposed to do for him. BUT also wants the woman to pay bills too. He constantly tells me “just rest babe, don’t do laundry, you don’t have to cook, just rest” but I mean if I don’t…like it will NOT get done, and y’all know just how it can all pile up on you in just one day of “letting it go” I also have recently refused to cook because that’s some more work piled on me. I’ve mentioned my feelings on it and it’s an argument QUICK, lately, I’ve let lots of stuff go because I’m honestly just pissed that I’m so unheard and unappreciated, I’ve never in my life lived the way I’m living, unorganized home, laundry piled, literally just washing what we need when we need it, I’m so depressed just being in my home in the shape it’s in. I also will clean and clean and TRY and my husband will literally leave his trash all over the house, dirty clothes thrown wherever, he won’t raise the toilet seat to pee, and normally the floor will be wet, and doesn’t flush, I’ve begged and begged, and that too is an argument. I feel so disrespected and disposable. I’ve always had self esteem and self respect issues, but this has totally and completely ruined any self worth I had. I have so much resentment, and I too have zero desires in the bedroom because of all of this. It’s caused a Huge problem, he refuses to take any responsibility on the matter. And yes, NOTHING is sexier than a man being a father or helping his wife run a household, NOTHING. If I were given the luxury of being a sahm none of this would be an issue. Period. I’m trying to raise a 10 year old daughter and 3 year old son, I feel like I’m majorly failing them by teaching them that this “must be normal a d acceptable “ I love my husband, I do with everything in me, but my thoughts and feelings are IMMEDIATELY invalidated upon bringing them up, or it’s turned around on something I’ve done or not done. I’m at my breaking point to be honest. I’ve had cheaters and abusers, and so far, NONE of the men I’ve been in relationships with have been good mentally. It’s also making me be so angry all the time. I’d much rather have a man beat me daily than have one get in my head and break me down. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me I’m this and I’m that, nevermind I’m sitting here basically begging for your help and I get screamed at, begging for your time, I get 
ask for any help around the house it’s wow. Typing this out has put this entire thing into a new perspective. 
Don’t buy the house. Leave and get out
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Don’t worry about if he sighs. Give him the baby anyways. Don’t use sex as a weapon. It’s understandable you’re not attracted to him right now. You also may be hormonal as well, but sex and communication may help you two to be on the same page. Wear the baby. It will help tremendously to get things you want to do done when he’s not around. Can you and he go to counseling?
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He’s not going to realize it, it’s just him and most" sons of bitches" , he’ s not a man, but some men do bust there ass all day doing hard labor i can see they’re tired and burnt out, then i’ll be like hey baby I’ll take the kids for a few hours so you can have some down time , or your time, if he really loves and appreciates her, but then again what do i know , I dont have a wife or kids lol
Let him know you are not interested or attracted to him anymore, and that you are con sidering the single life and/or or seeing other men. I bet that would get him to act right, and if it doesn’t well then…let the ending be your beginning, you can do better by yourself. 
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I would tell him like you told us. This is too much and that things need to change or your leaving and filing for divorce. Let him understand the severity of the situation.
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Don’t take that plunge. You’re already miserable. Do yourself a favor and get out while you’re ahead. Boys like that do not change.
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Wow I’m sorry your going through this I really think it’s time to scare him a lot and start by looking for a place of your own and a job yes it’s hard but many woman and men have done it you can do it yourself.
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He might never change. Use his money to pay for a nanny or a house keeper.
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Book a holiday or a short break and leave him to it. He’ll soon realise how hard you work and will try and help when he gets home from work, instead of leaving you to continue working alone!
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Wym? Just tell him strait up. If he invalidates you then leave and if he doesn’t fix his shit then leave
I was able to stay home with my four children until the oldest was twelve. Loved it! My husband did not help much with them when they were infants but he did take all four with him on Saturday’s and gave me some free time! Great years! Two of the four were twins who arrived thirteen months after their sister! Had a few rough days now and then especially after taking birth control medication! Solved that problem and felt better. Wonder if you might need to see your doctor?
You’re already a single mom. Go ahead and make that a reality because he isn’t gonna help you
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Make him understand by leaving.
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Write him a letter explaing all this and go out to friends or family when he’s due in to read it…and go from there…Good luck
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No one should come home and check out from being a parent, even if they’ve worked all day. My hubby would come home from work and step right into dad mode. As for the night feeds, if he’s working then I’d do the night feeds regardless if of my older child and house work the following day, but no reason why he can’t help on the weekends with those nightfeeds. I personally would write it all down in a letter and give it to him, walk off into your room and let him decide his next actions. Make it clear that although you don’t want to leave him, you will if things don’t change, I look at it like this ‘I’d rather be on my own struggling then with a partner who refuses to help and acknowledge my worth and be struggling’. I hope he sees sense
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Set up a budget and hire someone twice a week to help out. If he doesn’t want to pay then he needs to step it up. Buy that house. Don’t listen to no one on here telling you not to, you get property in both your names and start putting money on the side for yourself. Go to school and get a job working once a week. He is bored of you, most men get bored of SAHM. There’s nothing exciting other than you are Providing security and a routine. So change your role as a SAHM. Take a couple of pole dancing classes at night. Have someone watch the kids, it’s coming out of his pocket (well yours too) but then he’ll have no other choice but to watch them. The point here is that you are tired of your role in your household. Change your role before changing your marriage. What do you want to do? Think long and hard and then do those things. Being a SAHM is not a prison sentence. Utilize your time towards something beneficial. Him helping you sometimes without sighing is not the goal. Living a fulfilling life is. Don’t wait for him when he walks in the door. Don’t be home so he knows what life will be like when you are gone if you decide to do that. Don’t ask, don’t nag, just do it!
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From my experience, working outside the house is a cinch compared to working at home raising kids.
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You need to talk to your doctor I think your depress and your going thru post pordarm
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- Get a mother’s helper so you can have some alone time OR
- Just go out as soon as he gets home and go for a walk/ shopping for a couple of hours.
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Should’ve gotten an abortion 
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i feel this deeply goodluck hold your head up
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If you’re so hell bent on moving forward with this man, quit complaining bc this is your life… get used to it.
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This is a season you are going through and it’s tough. You cannot control another person to do what you want but you can ask and inspire. Get a sitter once a week. If he does something for you praise him for it. The only thing you can do control how you respond. You might want to go see a dr about how your feeling and do some self care. So what if the house gets a bit messy? Order out a bit more. Have him grill supper ( guys are into that). If he won’t help, help YOURSELF!
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Exactly. Nothing is sexier than a good dad.
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Start leaving when he gets home and leave him with the kids so he can get a taste of what it’s like to have no help. Go to a relative’s or friends and take a nap
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When he comes home leave the children with him for 2 hours …drive somewhere and take 2 hours to yourself…don’t take his calls the children will be fine …I can’t stand men who think wives are their moms…
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On his next day off get up early and don’t come home for several hours. Leave him a detailed list of how to tend to the baby and what all needs to be done around the house while trending to the children. Tell him not to call unless it’s life or death and just take a day to yourself. Give him a dose of your day. When you get home play on your phone or the computer and ignore him. I would NOT commit to buying a house with him. At least not with things like they are between the two of you.
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I can tell u from experience being a single mum to two children is easier than u think. The age gap is the same between mine as yours and although we have our hard days I’ve done it on my own for the last 3 years. I now have a partner who helps when he visits. Don’t spend your life resenting someone because they refuse to help. U can do it on your own without the stress xxx
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That’s sad you both had a baby not just you gotta put your foot down now before it’s too late
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I would think about leaving because being a working full time mom is just as hard and just as stressful. I would focus on you and making you happy. If your not happy with yourself then no matter what anyone does it won’t make you happy. Self care is very important. Try to wake up early before kids and do something you love. Do things u like doing while they nap or in school. Also talk with him and see why he is checked out of the marriage too? Seems like both are checked out and not getting the respect and help each needs. He prob has just as much resentment as you and feels disrespected by you. You would be surprised how much power you have as a women when your husband feels respected and happy as well. Good luck
If you’ve already spoken to him & he’s not interested, I would leave if I were you. You don’t want to be miserable for the rest of your life
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so i was here 2 years ago and now my husband is the best man i could ask for. set your boundaries and if doesn’t meet them, know your worth and walk away. unfortunately this only works if you 100% believe in your own self worth and 100% believe that you deserve better. Set your boundaries mama. Make his bum ass sleep on the couch til the house is clean. stop lifting a finger. match his energy.
i know this doesn’t always work with men but unfortunately sometimes they think they want a mommy instead of a wife and it’s time to grow up.
I’ve read that book before my advice is don’t buy a house with him.
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Well first off let’s not have anymore babies by him idc if he is your husband… you started off saying he wasn’t hands on with the 1st child but you chose to have another one!! So work on no more babies and try to find Work from home jobs in the meantime… everywhere is hiring!! Save up your money and try to look for some daycares and put the smaller baby in there and start working outside the home and go from there. If your husband is still a prick then DIVORCE☺️
You don’t control other people. If whatever your individual therapist has you trying isn’t working, try a higher level of care.
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My hunny works 5 days a week and I’m home with our 4 and 2 year old and he still helps with the kids when he gets off work….
IMO you should not have to ask the father of your children to “watch” your kids……… he needs to step up and help raise those kids or step down so you can find someone who will
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Put up or shut up i have 5 hubby never lifted a hand i let him away with it, my fault he worked paid bills but house children were my buisness it was 40 years ago now noone should put up with it put ur foot down cos u will resent everthing about him eventually
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My best advice is leave him with the kids for a good long time. Run arrands, get your hair done, scream in your car at the beach… etc….
I got surprised with a disney trip from friends… i get this text
Im sure he will be more helpful when he gets home from work
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I wouldn’t be buying a house with someone who’s refusing to help…
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write him a letter… alot of times when trying to talk to someone about raw emotions things get heated and the message you to convey doesn’t happen… make a few rough drafts til you’ve got it the least argumentative and the most sincere and give it to him
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Maybe give him his hour to drink a beer or two and un wind after work then ask that he take the kids while you have your time, maybe even start a routine where he puts the oldest to bed. Explain to him that you know he has a long day at work but you also have long days too. Tell him that if he doesn’t think it’s hard work to take both kids for a whole day while you go do something and then he will understand. Make a to do list daily for yourself and check it off as the day goes and show it to him daily- add everything(make breakfast, do the dishes, do laundry, play time, make lunch, clean the house, clean kitchen, vacuum, fold laundry, play time, etc…)If you need to, write him a note explaining all of this. Sometimes men understand things better written so they don’t have to communicate and react right away, it gives them time to process everything. I’ve done this with my husband. If things need to be done around the house or I feel we aren’t communicating right, I leave him a note on the counter so he sees it in the morning and has the whole day at work to process it.
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show him your post if you cant sit and get him to listen
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The best advice I’ll give is leave I went through the same exact thing with my kids dad just because he worked he thought his job was done for the day and I got 0 help from that waste of space I did it for 5 years and couldn’t do it anymore and I left they won’t change ever.
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Last ditch effort of couples counseling?
If he’s a good guy otherwise, I’d try. Maybe a third party opinion might make him listen a bit more. You deserve some “me” time and just an hour or so at night with some assistance at home. I hope you can work it out but do not live a life of unhappiness. You’ll just look back at your life after another 5 years with additional regret. 
Get help, marriage counselor. If you really no longer want to work things out, then it is time to leave. A marriage counselor can be helpful either way.
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Among other advice you received try leaving him with the kids on a Saturday morning & staying out the entire day. Get up early & make your way. Don’t say you’re seeing how he handles it just be nonchalant & unassuming come home that evening with take out dinner for the family, plop in front of the TV & act like nothing happened. A few weekends or evenings of that might ready him for an adult conversation. Don’t feel bad or guilty about it, they’re his children too!
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I raised 3 kids on my own … geez… maybe you should know ur partner before popping out babies … our society is so messed up … girls give sex to hear I love you … boys say I love you to get sex … something my mom used to say and it stuck in my head … she also would say have another one when I was struggling … build ur character and strength
Mine never understood until we traded spots. I went back to work and he stayed home… then he understood. Now I’m back at home and he is working. He still wants to just relax when he gets home but if he sees me struggling he helps out. We have 7 kids.
Try marriage counseling with your husband. He seems totally unaware of all your doing and how you feel. If he won’t go, go alone. If possible pick a day you know he will be at home and leave him with the kids, go shopping, visit a friend, just leave him alone with his children
and take a day to enjoy yourself
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Sounds like a narcissist. I have a narc too. Planning my exit asap. I suggest you join a few narcissist groups.
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He’s not the one. Stop wasting your time on a loser!
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This ain’t 1950. You need a break too. Be dressed when he gets home and tell him you’re going out and go. No guilt just go. Drive around the block and sit in the car by yourself for an hour but do it. Unfortunately men don’t think what we do as a job, but it is. 24/7. No breaks. The fact that he can’t see that is disgusting, but neither did my ex husband. Notice I said “ex” husband.
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Last Month i get paid over $ 19785 w0rking from home. I never thought l’d be able to do it but my colleague makes over $ 20489 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
DONT BUY anything he wont change so YOU decide if this what you want for ever talk to dr for some help
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I will never understand fathers that do not want to spend time with their children.
He sounds very very selfish. And passive aggressive.
Ya know when we marry we make promises. Looks up what Cherish means.
Is he cherishing you?
What would I do? See if he will get counseling together. See how much the relationship means to him. And tell him that you do not desire him sexually because the way he refuses to Dad and also help you is very unattractive.
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Sounds like you married the wrong person.
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I m sorry if I m wrong but it feels like to me you have post natal depression and I think you need a Dr’s opinion good luck once you are OK then time to talk to husband
3 Likes
I would start by haven that talk about childcare go back to work go get a full time job and do you and maybe he might realize shit